ANNOUNCER APPLE APPLE_SONG BEEF_JERKY BEEF_STEAK_1 BEEF_STEAK_2 BURGER CHEESESTEAK CHEESE_STEAK CHICKEN_NUGGET CROISSANT FALAFEL HOAGIE HOTDOG ONION PATTY PIZZA TATER_TOT TRAILER PIZZA Here’s your donut and coffee Tater Tot. TATER TOT Oh, thank you. This will help me prepare for my upcoming role as a Police Officer in my next movie. ANNOUNCER Tater Tot! Movie Star! TATER TOT All I gotta do now is find someone for my sidekick role. He’s gotta be one thing and that’s…naturally funny. BURGER What? ONION Oh, absolutely nothing, no nothing at all. HOTDOG Oh, absolutely nothing, no nothing at all. APPLE Well, actually there is uh…. PIZZA Hey, you guys good? Need anything else? APPLE Yeah, Uh, could we please have some uh.. BURGER APPLE Could we please have some… BURGER APPLE We… BURGER APPLE Can we ha BURGER APPLE Burger, can you turn down the volume on your eating so I can order please? ONION Burger, can you turn down the volume on your eating so I can order please? APPLE What? So, anyway can I please have a Oh wait I forgot what I was gonna order now because of Burger’s eating sounds. Ah! You know what it is, it’s like how I imagine a pig sounds when it eats. BURGER Hahahaha! APPLE Burger, do the pig thing to my food. TATER TOT You. APPLE What? TATER TOT Were casting a sidekick who’s naturally funny for my next movie, Cop Buddies, and I think that could be… you. APPLE Are you being serious? TATER TOT Here, just come to my audition. And make sure to bring your funny formula. APPLE My what? TATER TOT Trust fall. BEEF STEAK 1 Trust fall. BEEF STEAK 2 And I’m not going to do a trust fall. I’m just going to walk out. BURGER Holy hamburger, that was Tater Tot! ONION He was talking right to you, Apple! APPLE Wicked! I'm going to audition to be Tater Tot's sidekick! All I have to do is bring my funny formula. Now can someone tell me what a funny formula is please. APPLE Yes, ok, I will ONION See, the thing about you Apple, is that you have three distinct parts that make you funny. ONION One: you say things exactly as you see them. Like how you pointed out that Burger eats like a pig. APPLE Yeah, cause that’s what it reminded me of. ONION Exactly. We'll call that one "S-squared" because you "Say" what you "See". APPLE Very clever Onion ONION Number two: you are unaware of the rules of society. You see, most people would think it's rude to point out that Burger eats like a pig. APPLE Why if it was true? ONION Exactly again! We'll call that one "U" for "Unaware." Which brings me to... ONION Number three: you say true things without any meanness whatsoever. We'll call that "M". ONION So, S-squared plus U, minus M, equals "Funny!" Any questions? APPLE You know usually at a time like this I would say I would have a question, but this actually seems to make sense to me. ONION Now all we need is an opportunity to test it out. APPLE I know, let’s look at the door. ONION Good Idea. APPLE/ONION Perfect! FALAFEL I wake up happy for first time in one year! I decide, I should finally go fixes their floorboard. APPLE Alright, here we go. APPLE Ok, "S-squared" say things exactly as I see them. APPLE Or smell them. APPLE Falafel your breath stinks. FALAFEL What? APPLE Plus "U", unaware of the rules of society. APPLE And no one would would ever tell you that because of how embarrassing it must be to have such disgusting breathe. APPLE "Minus M", with no meanness. APPLE No offense! FALAFEL How dare you. You have ruined my happy feeling. Now I have to wait another year to be happy! APPLE What happened? ONION I don't know but if you upset the movie people like you did Falafel, then you won't get the part! APPLE Uh! The formula doesn’t work! ONION I know I know! Argh! ONION We need to adjust the formula! FALAFEL Ok. Instead of the formula coming out of your mouth, what if it comes out of someone else’s mouth. Ventriliquisim, "V". APPLE What, like puppets? APPLE Hello! PATTY Ahh! Oh, hello there little mouse. APPLE Why do you sell only absolutely rubbish things here? PATTY Excuse me? APPLE I mean, I'm a mouse and not even I would eat this one dollar rubbish cheese. Ha ha ha, no offense. PATTY What a nasty little mouse! PATTY You better get out of here before I call the exterminators. APPLE Well, I guess that wasn’t that bad. APPLE Easy for you to say ONION Not to worry, we'll get rid of Ventriloquism... by multiplying it against itself... and add a new element... APPLE Political Correctness? ONION No…Physical Comedy APPLE Hey you! Look at you! APPLE Say things exactly as you see them. APPLE You’ve got melted cheese on your head APPLE Ignore the rules of society. APPLE Can I eat some of it? CHEESESTEAK APPLE With no meanness whatsoever APPLE Please. APPLE Don’t forget physical comedy. APPLE Here step on a rake! CHEESE STEAK Uh! APPLE Was that funny? ONION I still don’t understand why he had to beat me up as well. So, physical comedy's out. Goodbye! APPLE More like physical calamity is out, goodbye. ONION How 'bout impressions! APPLE Yeah, ok. ONION We’ll call that “I”. Try to do an impression of me to start. APPLE Ok, ok. Apple it’s time to wake up, stop sleeping ONION That’s not what I’m like! APPLE Apple, when are you going to tidy up your side of the room you’re so messy man. ONION Wait, I’m not that naggy, am I? APPLE Oh, ok. Apple make things messy and don’t worry about finishing the toilet paper. Do whatever you want. Also can you come mess up my side of the room now as well please? ONION That’s more like it. Now, let’s take it to the streets. APPLE To the streets , to the streets, it’s time to take it to you streets, Bwrarh! CHICKEN NUGGET Hey, you can't be in the street, that’s jaywalking. HOAGIE But I'm just doing my job! I'm sweeping the street! CHICKEN NUGGET I don't care what your job is. I'm the law! HOAGIE I know you’re Uncle we work in the same… CHICKEN NUGGET I'm gonna write you a ticket. HOAGIE Ugh ONION Alright, yeah, yeah, now. APPLE Oh, I know. Hey Bird! CHICKEN NUGGET Huh? APPLE I will assert power over you to overcompensate for the fact that I feel inferior to a bird. CHICKEN NUGGET Tell me you're not impersonating a police officer! APPLE Yeah, I’ve got an audition for Tater Tot’s new movie. CHICKEN NUGGET Oh, I love that guy. Anyway, You’re under arrest for impersonating an officer! APPLE What? CHICKEN NUGGET And you're under arrest for aiding and abetting an impersonator. ONION Aw, come on! APPLE What are we gonna do? The audition is in an hour! I'm never gonna get that movie role. ONION And were in jail. BEEF JERKY What's wrong this time, guys? APPLE You been sitting here this whole time Beef Jerky? BEEF JERKY I live here. APPLE Anyway. I had a very straight forward formula that made me funny. It looked like this. ONION But Apple's formula is broken, and we need to fix it before his big audition! APPLE In which I would get to play Tater Tot's sidekick. ONION What? Why are you still making the impression of me? We’re done with that bit. APPLE True. BEEF JERKY Hmmmmm... Oh yeah, this is your problem here, the "S". People don't want you to say what you see. Your formula offends people, no offense. You need to say the opposite of "S"! APPLE/ONION Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. APPLE That’s still an ‘S’. BEEF JERKY You find the comedy in telling people what isn't true. ONION Well it does seem odd but the advice is from Beef Jerky and he has yet to steer us wrong so far. APPLE I’m going to go get that role now, thanks to you. BEEF JERKY Go. APPLE/ONION Bye Beej! CROISSANT Up next is Apple for the role of Sidekick. Which it says here needs to be naturally funny. TATER TOT Oh, this guy's really good. APPLE I'm Apple. CROISSANT Yeah, yeah, we know. Whenever you're ready. APPLE Alright well.. APPLE Say the opposite of what you see! APPLE You look young. You don’t have any wrinkles, here, and here, and here, and that one’s just an optical illusion, and in no way do you resemble a cracked up area of land that hasn’t had any rainfall in hundreds of years. CROISSANT TATER TOT What the? APPLE Now do Tater Tot. APPLE Tater Tot is definitely not far too short to be an actor. I bet they never put you on those platforms while filming to make you look normal height. TATER TOT What? APPLE Why is no one laughing? Say more opposite things! APPLE You don’t look like a vampire. You don’t have dots for eyes. I am not absolutely terrified of you. CROISSANT Uh! APPLE And I bet you Tater Tot, never get mistaken for a small, insignificant, rubbish, smelly, tiny, cheese. APPLE That one was the best one so far. CROISSANT Well, I think we've seen enough. We’ll, call you. APPLE Yeah…uh-hmm, yeah ok bye. I didn’t get it. ONION I'm sorry, Apple. APPLE I made them all angry. I wasn’t funny even for one second just incredibly offensive, is what she said. I just want to go back to when there was no formulas. When I just did whatever I did whether it was funny or not. ONION Yeah, those were good times back then. APPLE APPLE Are we recording? APPLE SONG do you remember when ... there were no formula-a-as, in a time when we laughed and i didn’t offend everyone i just was what i was without having to make equations to work out why oh-oh, where'd the good times go when we were just what we are when we were just what we are oh-oh, where'd the good times go just wanna be what we were when we were just what we are shoulda been what we were or what we are APPLE I’m sorry for hurting your feelings everyone. I’m going to stop trying to be funny from now on. Thanks, for all coming around to watch the movie, Let’s see who became Tater Tot’s side kick in the end. TRAILER You've seen... Tater Tot as Detective Frank Johnson... TATER TOT I guess this case will never be solved. TRAILER Now get ready for his hilarious new sidekick... Chicken Nugget! CHICKEN NUGGET We’ve been sitting here for three hours now, how many takes are we going to do? Did you guys not say lunch was included? You want me to cry for nothing? You want me to crisp up there and be nothing? I’m gonna be a little piece of bacon. You want me to be bacon not chicken nugget? I can’t believe I used to be a fan of yours. Get out of my face!