AGENT_1 AGENT_2 AL AMELIA ANNOUNCER AUDIENCE BARTENDER BLIP BUCK CJ_NITKOWSKI COLIN_COWHERD COWHERD CROWD ELIOT ERIC EVELYN FRANK GINNY JOE_BUCK KATIE_NOLAN KEVIN_BURKHARDT KIMMEL KRISTINE_LEAHY LEAHY MAN MATT_VASGERSIAN MIKE NOLAN OSCAR PLAYER PLAYER_2 RACHEL REPORTER REPORTERS REPORTER_1 REPORTER_2 REPORTER_3 SCOTTY SONNY STUBBS TEAM TOMMY VASGERSIAN WILLIE WOMAN GINNY Previously on Pitch. MATT VASGERSIAN The San Diego Padres have called up Ginny Baker to start today. OSCAR Ginny, hi. GINNY Hi. OSCAR Oscar Arguella, Padres' GM. FRANK Your teammates are excited to meet you. GINNY 75% think I'm the next San Diego Chicken. The other 25 just want to see me shower. BLIP Ginny Baker. Get your big ol' bubble butt over here and give me a hug. GINNY I didn't see Mike Lawson back in there. AL He likes to make a grand entrance. Total diva. GINNY Hey. Find another scene partner. I'm here to pitch. JOE BUCK This is one of those moments where you'll remember where you were when you saw it. GINNY I don't know what's happening. I just I just. AL Okay, okay. GINNY Get me out of the game. BLIP She needs your help. MIKE She quit. MIKE You got a lot of people telling you who you're doing this for, and I wonder if it's not about time you start doing this for yourself. You do this for you. JOE BUCK Welcome to the big leagues, Ginny. We've been waiting for you. CJ NITKOWSKI Of course the big story today, the only story, really. KEVIN BURKHARDT Yeah, it's Gin-sanity in San Diego. Ginny Baker becoming the first woman in history to win a major league baseball game. KRISTINE LEAHY I'm not saying a word. COLIN COWHERD Uh, listen, my grandmother throws harder than that. That's not sexist; it's factual, and Gram Gram threw heat. LEAHY And Gram Gram has a shot at the majors. KATIE NOLAN Leave it to the men to try and rain on our lady parade. There are already reports of dissention in the Padres locker room after Baker's first win. Guess some of those big, strong men don't like the pretty, little girl getting more attention, huh? Come on, boys, haven't you seen the movie? There's no crying in baseball. AMELIA This L.A. road trip could not be coming at a better time. Kimmel wants to book you lead guest, two segments. GINNY Jimmy Kimmel? AMELIA They've got this idea for a comedy bit, "Ginny Baker's clubhouse decorating tips." GINNY I got to give decorating tips? AMELIA It could be funny. You just have to tell a few jokes. We'll talk about it on the ride up. GINNY I really ought to take the players' bus. I got to be one of the guys right now, Amelia. AMELIA Ginny, look in the mirror. You are never gonna be one of the guys. ELIOT Great movie. Just One of the Guys. '80s high school flick. She pretends to be a guy, end of the movie she has to take off her shirt to prove that she's a girl. First time I saw boobs. I'll be quiet now. AMELIA Take the players' bus. REPORTERS GINNY Okay, guys, one at a time. ELIOT Game ended two hours ago. They're still here. AMELIA Yeah. She's come a long way from San Antonio. ANNOUNCER Hey, fans, welcome to Wolff Stadium, where your San Antonio Missions are warming up for today's game against the Midland RockHounds. Take your seats. We'll be starting in just a minute. ANNOUNCER And that's strikeout number nine for Ginny Baker. WILLIE Good win. GINNY I keep hanging sliders. You see the one I hung to Archer? WILLIE Oh, yeah. GINNY This new catcher's game-calling sucks. WILLIE So, wave him off. You throw what you want to throw. GINNY He's the catcher. WILLIE And you're the boss. Oh, whoa. Do you think for a second you got on that mound by following anyone else's calls? GINNY You're just saying that 'cause you're a good brother. WILLIE I'm just saying that 'cause you're a good pitcher. GINNY You're a cheeseball. WILLIE Slider-hanger. AMELIA Ginny? WILLIE Hey, I'm sorry, but she only does autographs for kids. AMELIA No, no, no, I'm not. I'm an agent. GINNY I already got an agent. AMELIA Oh, you do? Who are you with? WILLIE Hi, Will Baker and I'm with Stay the Hell Away from My Little Sister and Company. GINNY You. WILLIE Hey, that was a good one, right? AMELIA Just let me buy you guys a beer. It'll be the most important beer of your life. I promise. MIKE SCOTTY You know your knees aren't getting any younger, Mike. When are you gonna bite the bullet and move to first? MIKE After I get to first with your mom. SCOTTY That's very mature. MIKE So is your mom. AL Guy's strike zone was inconsistent for her for the whole damn game. BUCK Yep. AL Their guy's nibbling, getting calls on both sides of the plate. Us, nothing. BUCK Yep. AL Another good talk, Buck. Lawson. MIKE Yeah, Skip. AL My team's broke. Look, I got pitchers taking swings at center fielders, I got a girl getting dressed in a closet, I got a pissy owner, and, on top of that, now I have psoriasis on my elbows. So I'm gonna fix my psoriasis, you fix the other stuff. MIKE I'll talk to the guys tonight. We'll all go out and celebrate her first win. AL How's the knees? MIKE Good, good. Yeah. Never been better. AL Good. That's good, kid. MIKE Yeah. TEAM SONNY Ginny, when I got my first win, you know what I did to celebrate? BLIP You went out drinking with Babe Ruth. TEAM STUBBS Baker, what's your deal with men? You a nun or what? GINNY No, not a nun. STUBBS Lesbian? MIKE GINNY Sorry to disappoint, but no. TEAM PLAYER Pay up. PLAYER 2 Stubbs goes down. SONNY You ever, uh you ever hook up with another player? GINNY Between us. I've got a bit of a weak spot for a certain type. Every time I'm in a locker room with 'em something happens to me. Physically. I just get a little hot, you know, inside. And sometimes. No, I don't hook up with players. TEAM GINNY Are you out of your damn mind? MIKE Light turnout tonight. BLIP Wonder why. NOLAN howling at their sacred little tree house. BLIP Oh, this isn't gonna help. Look who's on the tube for a change. NOLAN to the ground. Aw. Are the big boys on the Padres crying? Does it get their panties in a bunch that a girl's getting asked more questions than they are? PLAYER I'm over this, boys. I'll see you at the yard tomorrow. PLAYER 2 All right, man. NOLAN Guys, the facts are clear. Two starts and one. GINNY Anyone want another beer? MIKE I'll get it. GINNY I got it. NOLAN Ginny Baker wears the pants on the San Diego Padres, and her whiny, whimpering teammates. GINNY Hey, you mind changing the channel? BARTENDER Sure thing. NOLAN Ginny Baker isn't going anywhere. COWHERD I mean, two starts in, and this kid has a 12 ERA. I-I'm just saying, Nolan Ryan she ain't. GINNY One more time? COWHERD Let's just settle down. I'm thrilled she. RACHEL There's nothing fuzzy about the facts in the Florida case. The track star's own locker room was under renovation, so she used one of the men's empty ones, where she's assaulted by a member of the men's track and field team, who now has the nerve to call it- wait for it- "a misunderstanding between friends." Hey, I wonder what Ginny Baker would have to say about this. She's in a locker room with men. MIKE That should do it for tonight, huh? Shots, anybody? GINNY REPORTER Well, even on a travel day, fans are lining up to see Ginny Baker, as the Padres head up to Los Angeles for a three-game road trip against the Dodgers. EVELYN Ugh! That was such a great game. You were dealing! GINNY Yeah, the guys love that the slowest fastball in the league gets the most media attention. EVELYN Well, Blip said you won over some of 'em last night. GINNY I lost some of 'em, too. EVELYN Well, I'm driving up later. I'll see you then. GINNY Bye. EVELYN So good. So good. GINNY Stop. Hey. BLIP Did you find it? EVELYN Not yet. Irma might have washed it. BLIP Washed it? That's my slump-buster. You know it can't be washed. EVELYN Honey, calm down. You're hitless in two games. I will find that awful, smelly T-shirt. I'll drive it up later. BLIP No, but if it's been washed. EVELYN What, your Grandmaster Flash T-shirt will lose its magic powers and you won't make the All-Star team? Say it out loud. Go on. Hey. Hey! Look at me, Sanders. The only all-star team that matters is mine, and you're already the leading vote-getter there. BLIP What would I do without you? EVELYN You'd die. BLIP I will die if you don't find that shirt. And it better smell like your mother's cookin'. EVELYN Okay, okay. MIKE Uber. MIKE You waved me off 17 times last night. GINNY I didn't. MIKE No, you did. That's 16 times more than I've been waved off by anyone this season. You need to trust your changeup more. See here, I called for it, you waved it off, you got hit. Buck, she needs to trust the changeup more, right? BUCK Yep. MIKE She needs to be willing to throw the fastball when I call for it, right? BUCK Yep. MIKE Guy's a genius. And now I'm going to L.A., where I have to see my pain-in-the-ass ex-wife who's just hellbent on ruining my life, even though we're no longer married. She wants me to go through my things, you know, before she sells them. What she really wants to do is get back together with me. Why did God make me so damn appealing to women? I mean, it's a it's a curse, Baker. Really is. Why'd you call me off? GINNY My fastball tops out at 87. I don't always trust it. MIKE All right. Well, you may not trust your fastball. You need to trust me. All right, see, same thing. OSCAR At the end of the day, Davey McGee. He's the best guy available if you want a manager tomorrow. FRANK Davey McGee. We already have a caveman for a manager, Oscar. I want somebody fresh, somebody inspiring. Somebody who doesn't drive to work using their feet to power their car. Someone like you. You think I hired you as my GM just 'cause you're good at your job? OSCAR I hoped so. FRANK Well, that and you look like Spanish Superman. OSCAR I'm Mexican. FRANK Yeah. Uh, I know Al was your old skipper, Oscar, and I know that he gave you your start. OSCAR He didn't just give me my start, Frank. I-I was a lifetime .230 utility infielder, and look at me now. He bought me my first suit. He's godfather to my daughter. FRANK This is exactly why I don't like to get too close to the people that work under me. This is why you have never been to my house for dinner. OSCAR And here I thought it was 'cause I was Mexican. FRANK No. It is because, if I had to, I could fire you like that. I'm giving Al the season. Don't get too attached. VASGERSIAN But first a little bit more now on this breaking story out of San Diego, where the eyes of the sports world have been on Ginny Baker. AL It's about time. VASGERSIAN This just surfacing, video from two years ago of Padres manager Al Luongo, commenting on Ginny Baker, then only a Double-A minor leaguer. MIKE Oh, crap. Blip. AL Yeah, well, I hope she makes it to the show one day. I mean, have you seen her? Easy on the eyes. I'm sure a lot of the guys would love to have her in the locker room. VASGERSIAN Well, the comments are obviously troubling, especially in light of the ongoing track and field incident in Florida. AL What? OSCAR Ginny, we got a little P.R. problem on our hands. Have you seen Al's comment? GINNY You want me to issue a statement supporting him? OSCAR We don't require it. It's up to you. But if you'd like to. AMELIA Ginny, can I speak to you for a minute? OSCAR Yeah. GINNY Sorry. AMELIA You want to come out in support of a misogynist who made comments about your looks? GINNY I told you I want to be one of the guys. AMELIA How many of the guys are being asked to make statements? GINNY I know you're just trying to protect me, I know you're just doing your job, Amelia, but this is my life. AMELIA It's my life, too, Ginny. When I met you, it became my life, too. WILLIE So, after our father died, Ginny was pretty much doing this whole thing by herself. Felt too big for one person, so I quit school. GINNY You flunked out of school. WILLIE Really? Okay, fine. I didn't make it past one damn semester. AMELIA Now you two are living out your dream together? WILLIE Eh, her dream. My dad's dream. Me, I'm just along for the ride. AMELIA That stadium was half full of little girls tonight. I hear it's because you convinced the team to do a "Little Ladies Night." WILLIE A stupid idea. AMELIA No, it wasn't. It really wasn't, Will. WILLIE Thank you. AMELIA Ginny's endorsement deal with Big Joe's Sports Apparel? That was your stupid idea, Will. Another round? 'Cause this is when our meeting gets really important. MAN Game one of the Padres at the Dodgers. Will Gin-sanity be too much of a distraction for San Diego? MIKE You're here early. GINNY Got biology working against me. Need to work harder than everyone else. What's your excuse? MIKE I'm a 36-year old catcher with bad knees. I have to work harder than everyone else, except apparently you. RACHEL Ginny. Rachel Patrick. GINNY I got to get to work. RACHEL Look, I'm sorry to corner you like this, but I was hoping to get you on my show? Maybe we could talk about what's happening with the Florida rape case? GINNY Yeah. That feels like a big win for me. RACHEL Ginny, you have a huge megaphone right now. Be a shame to not use it. GINNY Really, lady? By just being on this team, my manager may lose his job. My teammates don't even want to sit next to me on the bus. And you want me to comment on a sexual assault that happened on the other side of the country? RACHEL Yet you'll doll yourself up and go on a late night show? Woman to woman, this girl was in your exact shoes. GINNY No one's in my shoes. And woman to woman, screw you for putting that on me. You want to book me, call my agent, and she can say no. You don't like it, tough luck. The line of people who are pissed off at me forms on the left. Have a good day. BLIP What is this? TOMMY Just a little girl power. Don't pretend like you never rocked this out in karaoke. BLIP Who's starting today? SONNY I am. I picked the music. TOMMY He's being inclusive. BLIP He's taking a shot at Ginny. Sonny. Shouldn't you be long-tossing? SONNY Oh, what, you mad, Blip? Huh? You gonna charge me, now? AL Knock, knock. GINNY Come in. AL Are you decent, Baker? GINNY Yeah. You're good. AL I, uh I'm, uh I'm gonna read their, uh, statement now, or whatever, but, uh. But I personally wanted to say I'm sorry if I offended you, or, uh made your life harder, or anything. GINNY You did, a little. Because I'm here to play baseball. AL Yeah. I have three daughters. Just so you know. One of them's a doctor. Smartest person I know. Also happen to think she's beautiful. I don't think that's the most interesting thing about her, it's just a fact. I'm probably missing something here. The world kind of passed me by when they made the Internet. Anyway, um won't happen again. You can put on some clothes. GINNY I'm already dressed. AL It was insensitive at best, offensive at worst and simply has no place in this organization. And even though my statement was made well over a year ago, I recognize that words matter, and I apologize to those whom I offended, and particularly Ms. Baker. So that's that. Now, any questions about, you know, baseball? REPORTER 1 I have a. REPORTER 2 Al, Al! Your players look frustrated, there's reports of a divided clubhouse. How broken is this team? AL My team's fine. REPORTER 3 According to many sources, Ginny is a distraction. AL Well, if I can keep my trap shut, there'll be no distraction. Geez! Guys, can we just go back to talking about how pretty the girl is? What? KEVIN BURKHARDT We head to the eighth. Dodgers have two on, they're down one, and this is when things get interesting for San Diego. Pop fly to left center. This will be the second out, but then the fun begins. Sanders's throw, way off the mark, as the runners advance. His throw is bad, that goes in the outfield. Not done, hold on. Voorhies coming home. Airmail time. Both runs score. And that's really the Padres' week in a nutshell. Yikes! Yeah, Al. you're having a bad day. And you've got to wonder now, if Gin-sanity has become a bigger distraction than this team can handle. Dodgers win it five to four. GINNY Issue a statement supporting Al. AMELIA Ginny. It's too soon in your career to wade into gender politics. GINNY He apologized. The team's falling apart because of me. Because I walked into that clubhouse. I can help. ELIOT I'll draft something tonight. AMELIA No. ELIOT But she wants us to. AMELIA If she knew what was good for her, she wouldn't need me. BLIP I went oh-for-four, with three strikeouts. And now I'm fielding like I'm playing T-ball. EVELYN I was there. BLIP Where is it? EVELYN The T-shirt was barely a T-shirt. It was held together by sweat. It disintegrated in the wash. BLIP Oh! God! EVELYN Hey, baby. What do you always say to the boys before their games? Huh? Contributing to your team isn't only about home runs and great catches. Sometimes, it's. EVELYN about moving your runner along. BLIP Hey. BLIP Careful. EVELYN Beating out a double play. EVELYN Being the most well-rounded center fielder in the game. The best-looking man in National League. BLIP National League? EVELYN You know I have a thing for Mike Trout. EVELYN Ooh! BLIP Can Mike Trout do this? Huh? EVELYN Maybe a little bit. I believe he could, yeah. BLIP I believe he could! EVELYN I do! I think he could! He can't do the spinny thing, though. BLIP He can't do. EVELYN No, he can't do that. OSCAR Didn't say anything awful. FRANK He didn't say anything great. OSCAR Yeah. FRANK I'm gonna wait until next year to hire a new manager. As you suggested. OSCAR I appreciate that, Frank. And I think you'll see that this this is where Al's the strongest, pulling a team together. FRANK You got to let me finish my sentences, Oscar. Huh. Al is done. Or should I say, I'm done with Al. Choose an interim manager, I I want it done by week's end. RACHEL The track star's father issued a statement through his son's attorney saying, I quote, "What my son is going through I wouldn't wish on any parent." Meanwhile, the school had no comment on the father's statement, nor did the coach. Or the teammates of the accused. No one. MIKE Geez, Baker, you just order one of everything? GINNY Work hard, eat hard. MIKE GINNY I started early. I'm going on Kimmel this afternoon. MIKE You're doing Kimmel? GINNY Last thing I need. "Ginny Baker's clubhouse decorating tips." MIKE That's funny. Yeah, those guys are good. GINNY You think it's too soon for this. Think I'm a media freak show. I should keep my head down, focus on the game. MIKE Actually, no. I don't. You're bigger than the game right now, rookie. Nothing you can do to change that. So at least use it for good. GINNY And how, exactly, do I do that? MIKE Well, our manager's on the hot seat, partially because of, uh, what are they calling it now, "Gin-sanity"? GINNY I issued a statement last night. MIKE That's weird, 'cause, uh, I can't seem to turn on the television without seeing that thing you call a face, and somehow I haven't seen a word about that. AMELIA Excuse me. MIKE Who's the blonde? GINNY My agent. Maybe my former agent. You didn't release a statement? AMELIA No, I didn't. GINNY Come here. AMELIA It wasn't the right call. It would have been bad for your brand. GINNY I'm not a brand, Amelia. I'm a ballplayer. AMELIA Ginny, I didn't travel to bumble-ass Texas two years ago to sign a ballplayer. That wasn't our deal, and you know it. WILLIE She makes two times the minor league salary with her Big Joe's endorsement. That's not chump change. AMELIA And that deal's for how long? WILLIE Guaranteed two years with an option at three. AMELIA I'm assuming their option, not yours. Uh-huh. Ginny, how long till you make the majors? Come on, what's the timetable? The quickest possible timetable? GINNY Two more seasons. AMELIA So, hypothetically, when you make the majors, when a woman who looks like you becomes the first woman ever to play in the major leagues, she's gonna be exclusively bound to Big Joe's Sports Apparel? I'll get you out of that deal right now and keep you clean. GINNY And then what? You make me Michael Jordan? You might want to remind yourself that my fastball tops out at 87, lady. AMELIA Ginny. I don't even know what that means. I'm not a sports agent. I represent stars. Movie stars, television stars, the most famous stars on the planet. And if you make a deal with me, in two years, they'll be trampling one another to get selfies with you. GINNY Have the bartender walk you to your car if you end up staying late. Will, we're out. WILLIE You heard her. We out. AMELIA You clearly love her. You clearly want what's best for her. But, Will, you're in so far over your head I can barely see you. BUCK OSCAR Hey, Buck. BUCK Oscar. OSCAR You free for dinner tonight? BUCK Yeah. I'll check with Al, but I'm sure he's okay. OSCAR Actually, let's do dinner just the two of us tonight, okay? Some things I want to discuss with you. RACHEL Almost done? MIKE What was our first dance to? I'm completely drawing a blank. RACHEL "Beauty and the Beast." MIKE Oh. That's right, yeah. How could I forget? RACHEL It killed. MIKE Yeah. Hey, could you cut Baker some slack? Okay? With all the over-the-top feminist stuff? RACHEL The "over-the-top feminist stuff"? MIKE Is that not what it's called these days? RACHEL She's a big girl. So is that why I needed to be here when you came over? So you could tell me that? MIKE My body's breaking down, Rach. I don't know how many years I've got left to play. RACHEL I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that. MIKE Well, you said that baseball always came first, and you were tired of coming in second. I I know that's why you left, and I know that's why you had the affair. And I-I can't necessarily blame you. What if I called it a career? End of the season, maybe next? Would you take me back? RACHEL Mike. MIKE I'm just, uh tired of being a life coach to these 23-year-old boys. I'm I'm tired of not having anyone to talk to at night. God, I miss you. I want my wife back. RACHEL I'm engaged. MIKE To that guy? RACHEL Yeah. MIKE Oh. RACHEL To David. MIKE That's good. That's good. Boy, do I feel stupid. RACHEL No, don't. No. MIKE No, I. Yeah. You know what, I'm just gonna have a clubbie swing by later and pick up, um, some of these boxes, if that's cool. RACHEL Mike. MIKE No. He'll swing by later. Actually, he'll just take 'em all. Uh, yeah. It was good to see you. I'm happy for you, Rach. This is good. This helps. BLIP I'll see you after the game tonight. We're going out. Wait, is that. EVELYN Same exact one. eBay, from the 1982 concert in Pittsburgh. I had to drive all the way to Chatsworth to get it. BLIP You really did all that for me, baby? EVELYN Let's be real. Beating out double plays is not gonna get you into the All-Star game- you need special powers. BLIP It smells just right. EVELYN Yep. I swung by my mom's house and picked up some of her pot roast. Mm. Yeah. SONNY Ginny's gonna be on Kimmel. TOMMY Oh, not she's doing Jimmy Kimmel? SONNY Mm-hmm. TOMMY Oh, great, now they can, uh, read her teammate's mean tweets about her. SONNY You know damn well you'd tweet against yourself if Kimmel ever asked your sorry ass. TOMMY Shut up. SONNY You would tweet against yourself. TOMMY Shut up. AUDIENCE AMELIA Let me look at you. Girl! Just, wow. GINNY I'm gonna fall over in these things. AMELIA Hey. Ginny, look at me. World leaders make fun of themselves here. It's all good. Just do what you feel comfortable with. Be you. GINNY Okay. Thanks. AMELIA Don't be silly. That's why I'm here, right? That's why you hired me. WILLIE Hey. Um. I'm gonna head home for a little bit. Take care of a few things, check on Mom. GINNY What are you talking about? WILLIE You should sign with her, sis. GINNY Will. WILLIE You should sign with her. Look. she called every local news outlet. Story's already going viral and national, and I don't know how she did it. GINNY So she made a few phone calls. WILLIE No, no. You're not hearing me, sis. I don't I literally do not know how she did that. I can't do stuff like that. I don't know how to do stuff like that. I talked with her, checked her out. She's the real deal. GINNY But I don't trust her; I trust you. WILLIE And you always can. GINNY Will. WILLIE You know you're the most important woman in my life. This woman is going to make you the most important woman in the in the world. GINNY What if I don't want what she wants? WILLIE Then you call her off. You're the boss, don't you ever forget that. GINNY You're just saying that 'cause you're a good brother. WILLIE I'm saying it 'cause it's true. And Dad would have been so proud of you. Of course, he wouldn't have said it. GINNY WILLIE But he would have been so very proud of you. GINNY Cheeseball. WILLIE Don't make that face. Come here. Come here. KIMMEL Hello, welcome back. AMELIA We good? KIMMEL It's not every year that a woman gets to be starting pitcher for the San Diego Padres, but this is not every year. Please welcome athlete, icon, trailblazer, and overnight sensation, Ginny Baker. AUDIENCE KIMMEL Well, you look fantastic. You look much better than you do, even in a Padres uniform, GINNY Thank you very much. KIMMEL as beautiful as those are. GINNY I appreciate it. KIMMEL Thank you for being here. Wow. This has been a crazy time for you, I would imagine. GINNY Yeah, kind of crazy. KIMMEL How are you feeling? GINNY I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. KIMMEL You are? GINNY I mean, two weeks ago, I was in the minors, and now, I'm on Jimmy Kimmel, and I can see myself. AUDIENCE KIMMEL Yeah, I know. I mean, I'm on the show, too, and, uh, so I can really. I have equal amounts of excitement. Yeah. GINNY I'm sure. KIMMEL You are probably the biggest star in the whole world right now. I mean, yeah. AUDIENCE TOMMY This ain't a team. SONNY You got a problem? Let's take it outside. MIKE Enough! Enough! I'm so tired of this crap. I'm gonna be a 30-something retiree soon. It's a hell of a lot sooner than I'd like. Love of my life is getting remarried, too. So, so much for a family. And you bickering idiots is all I have to show for it. KIMMEL You're making some big changes in the Padres clubhouse. Some decorating changes in the Padres clubhouse. And now it's time for "Ginny Baker Redecoraker." AUDIENCE GINNY Um. KIMMEL The teleprompter's right there. GINNY Um, I'm I'm sorry, Jimmy. I can't talk about decorating tips tonight. I mean, the jokes are really funny, but I just I. KIMMEL Well, now I know you're making excuses, because the jokes are not funny tonight at all, but it's. AUDIENCE KIMMEL You know, it's exciting. I mean, it's exciting for the audience to have you here. GINNY Thanks. KIMMEL In person to see you like this, right? GINNY Oh. AUDIENCE GINNY Thanks. Um, yeah. I'm sorry. I didn't want to make it weird about the decorating tips. KIMMEL It's fine. It's okay. It's no-no problem at all. GINNY Yeah. Um, it's just, I'm a ballplayer is the thing. KIMMEL Mm-hmm. GINNY And I'm just working really hard right now to be one of the guys. KIMMEL Yeah. Well, sure. GINNY Yeah. Yeah. MIKE Our manager's in trouble, guys. Hmm? He could get canned any day. This is the same guy who takes the blame when we lose, when it's us who plays Hacky Sack with the baseball. Yeah, same guy who didn't just convince Stubbs' ex not to sell their honeymoon pictures to a tabloid. He bought 'em, all to protect his own player. Is Ginny getting us more attention? Huh? Yeah. Yeah, she is, man. Which sucks, 'cause we're losing in front of sold-out crowds. I gave my life to this game! Ugh. So I got a radical idea, mooks. Hear me out here. How about we start winning in front of sold-out crowds? How about we start winning for Al and his job? How about you start winning for your captain, too? GINNY It's a weird line to draw, I guess. KIMMEL Not everyone loves interior design, I guess, you know? GINNY Yeah. I mean, I'm a 23-year-old girl with a high school education. How did I end up with a bunch of microphones in my face, and everyone wanting my opinion? It seems like I'm sort of making a statement just by existing lately, so, right. I mean, what the hell. Why not make a few more? My manager says a lot of stupid things, and some of them are about me, but he's a great manager, and he's a really good man. And he knows that he messed up, you know. MIKE We're gonna shock the world. MIKE And yeah, we're gonna do it with a pretty girl in the dugout. MIKE Yeah, pretty girl, who, by the way, works a hell of a lot harder than you lazy losers. GINNY So everyone can worry about some idiot comment that he made, what, two years ago, 'cause I won't be. I mean, there's bigger things to worry about. I mean, a a woman. KIMMEL You need a minute? You okay? GINNY Yeah. KIMMEL Yeah? GINNY A woman's not responsible for her own sexual assault because she went in the wrong locker room. That's not only wrong. It's dangerous. We don't need to make sure that every girl goes in the right room. We need to make sure every boy knows it's wrong to rape. AUDIENCE MIKE So maybe. MIKE we all start working as hard as her. MIKE Maybe we start acting like a team instead of a bunch of spoiled brats. MIKE Then maybe I'll feel lucky that you guys are all I have. Lucky to be a Padre. MIKE For every last flickering minute of my damn career. KIMMEL Well, thank you for being here. You're an inspiration to so many people, and it's really a pleasure for me to have you here. Ginny Baker, everybody. AUDIENCE CROWD MAN Yo! BUCK They're gonna fire you. GINNY From now on, I talk where I want to talk, I say what I want to say. I call you off, Amelia, not the other way around. I'm the boss. Why does a high-powered movie agent come to South Texas in high heels to sign a minor league baseball player? AMELIA We'll try again. We've only done two rounds. ERIC I think I'm done, Amelia. AMELIA We can afford another round of IVF, Eric. ERIC No, I mean, I'm done. Having a baby is not gonna fix us. I don't want this life anymore. I don't want a life with you anymore. Aren't you gonna say anything? AMELIA You just obliterated my life in two sentences, Eric. Forgive me if I don't give you the satisfaction of seeing me cry. AGENT 1 We need to talk about this X-Men thing. They want to do a prequel to the prequel, so I guess with, like, what, four-year-olds? AGENT 2 I actually think that's kind of genius. MAN We need a kid's director, but we need somebody with an edge. WOMAN Robert Rodriguez. He's edgy. MAN Who's the guy that did The Rugrats Movie? Maybe we could get him in here. AMELIA I quit. ELIOT I will go with you! AMELIA I came to South Texas, Ginny because I knew you needed me. GINNY Oh, I love this song! Who's gonna dance with me? Lawson. Whatever. MIKE All right, bud, I'm out of here. Later. BLIP Bye.