AUDIENCE BARTENDER BORTUS CASSIUS CLAIRE CONDUCTOR DANN ED GORDON ISAAC JOHN KELLY KLYDEN MARCUS TALLA TOPA TURCO TY VOICE WAITER YAPHIT CLAIRE Claire to Isaac. ISAAC Yes, Doctor. CLAIRE Can I borrow your brain for a moment? I'm writing a paper on the use of nanosynthesis in Xelayan tissue regeneration, and I could use your help on the tech side. ISAAC Of course, Doctor. I am on my way. BORTUS Doctor Finn. CLAIRE Hey Bortus. What can I do for you? BORTUS I would like a mustache. CLAIRE Uh, I-I'm sorry? BORTUS Lieutenant Malloy has informed me that I would "look pretty good with a mustache." Moclans do not grow facial hair naturally, so I require your help. CLAIRE Well, I-I mean I could run a follicle stimulator over your upper lip. BORTUS Please do so. CLAIRE Are you sure? BORTUS The Lieutenant was quite persuasive. CLAIRE Okay, it's your face. CLAIRE All set. You should have it within the hour. BORTUS Thank you, Doctor. CLAIRE Oh, Isaac. Good. Come here and take a look at this. ISAAC Is Commander Bortus unwell? CLAIRE The answer to that depends on your taste in personal grooming. Why are you holding a banana? ISAAC It is for you. I have noticed your tendency to become cantankerous after 1600 hours when you have not eaten. CLAIRE Well, thank you. I think. Now this draft is a little long, so I just need to verify the sections pertaining to angiogenesis in the vascular system. Have a read. ISAAC There are numerous errors. CLAIRE Mm, I thought so. Uh, would you be a pal and take a pass at it? ISAAC Of course, Doctor. Revision complete. CLAIRE Thanks, I owe you one. ISAAC One what? CLAIRE Uh, you know, return the favor. ISAAC It is unlikely you would be able to offer useful insight into any of my research. My intelligence far exceeds your- CLAIRE Oh, right, r-right, I-I forgot. I'm sorry. ISAAC You have modified the configuration of your hair. CLAIRE A little bit, yeah, I didn't think anyone would notice. ISAAC Did the previous alignment fail to provide adequate warmth? CLAIRE No, I just felt like changing it. ISAAC Odd. CLAIRE KELLY Union Symphony's here next week, right? ED They are, yeah. Ship arrives on Friday. You going? KELLY Yeah, Cassius and I were gonna go. What about you? ED I think so, yeah. TALLA Um wow. KELLY Oh my god. BORTUS What is the matter? JOHN Uh, nothing, we were all just wondering when you decided to join the fire department. GORDON Hey, there you go. See, that's what I'm talking about. ED And now it makes sense. KELLY That was your idea? GORDON Yeah, he looks good, doesn't he? Rugged. Authoritative. BORTUS The Lieutenant told me it would be appealing. Is that not so? JOHN Oh, no, it's-it's super appealing. KELLY It really is. I-It's great. ED I love it. I-I think people are really gonna be talking about it. BORTUS Is that good? GORDON Oh, totally. No, no, no, they-they're gonna be like, "Man, if he has that much across the lip, I wonder what else he's got goin' on." KELLY What does that even mean? ED Hey, um, you remember that conversation we had about selectivity with what you say to Bortus? GORDON Yeah. Oh, this would've been. ED This would've been one of those things, yeah. CLAIRE Commander, I have that update on the vaccine shipment to Alamak three. KELLY Hand-delivered. Thanks, Claire. CLAIRE Actually, I came up here to remind you guys about tonight. With all the buzz about the symphony, I don't want you to forget Ty's piano recital is this evening. I really hope you all can make it. BORTUS Is it mandatory? CLAIRE Well no, but- KELLY But we're all gonna go anyway, because we want to support Ty. CLAIRE And Isaac, too. He's been an amazing teacher. ISAAC Ty possesses considerable musical aptitude. For a biological life-form. TALLA We'll be there. Tell him good luck. CLAIRE I will. YAPHIT He's really good. CLAIRE I know. YAPHIT Seriously, I thought this was gonna suck, but he's really good. AUDIENCE KELLY I took piano lessons when I was a kid 'cause they told me I had the hands for it. I quit after three lessons. Had the hands, but not the talent. CASSIUS This little guy, though you're something special, you know that? TY Thanks. CLAIRE Oh. Excuse me a second. I haven't thanked the teacher. Hey there. You standing over here all alone? ISAAC Large social gatherings provide ample opportunity to observe the behavior of biological life-forms. CLAIRE Is it always just about studying us? ISAAC That is my primary function. CLAIRE Does any small part of you ever enjoy our company? ISAAC Enjoyment is an emotional response unique to biologicals. CLAIRE Sit down, have a drink with me. ISAAC I do not drink. CLAIRE Well, nobody's perfect. You know, Ty really loves the time he spends with you. I know you can't share the feeling, but he's really attached to you. ISAAC The data I have acquired from his behavioral stimuli has been plentiful. CLAIRE Is it possible that's the machine equivalent of saying you like spending time with him, too? ISAAC Interesting. The parallel would require further analysis. CLAIRE Well, you think about it, then get back to me. ISAAC The cognitive capacity of most preadolescent humanoids is quite stunted. However, Ty has demonstrated superior focus. There is a human phrase. "You should be very proud of him." KELLY Come in. Hey, Claire. CLAIRE You have a minute? KELLY Sure, what's up? CLAIRE There's something I need to talk about, and I'm not sure who else to go to. KELLY Well, you can always come to me. What is it? CLAIRE You feel like a glass of wine? KELLY Always. But I don't do it during work hours. CLAIRE Okay. Um I think I'm developing feelings for a member of the crew. KELLY And you're worried whether it's appropriate. CLAIRE In several capacities, yeah. KELLY Your judgment is rock-solid. You'll know how to handle it. I can tell you that Cassius and I have made it work pretty well. And there's obviously all the history with me and Ed. Ship's still afloat. Can I ask who it is? CLAIRE It's Isaac. KELLY Chardonnay. Two glasses. CLAIRE I know I sound like a crazy person, but I think it's been brewing since the shuttle crash. KELLY Have you talked to Isaac about it? CLAIRE No. He has no idea. KELLY Claire, Isaac is incapable of- CLAIRE Incapable of love, incapable of emotion, I know. He's a machine, I understand that. But when I'm with him. I don't know, I. we get along really well. I feel warmth. KELLY Is it possible that you're projecting that feeling yourself? Onto Isaac? CLAIRE Maybe. But hey, don't we all do that? In every relationship? Especially when someone's a little mysterious. KELLY I guess so. Whenever Ed was silent for long stretches, I used to think he was pondering big questions. Then he'd just be like, "I'm hungry." CLAIRE He brought me a banana. KELLY Ed? CLAIRE No, Isaac. KELLY Oh, right. Well look, if it were Gordon or Yaphit telling me this, I would probably see a red flag. But you are the most responsible person I know. So if you're feeling this way there's something there. Not to be indelicate, but can he even I mean, does he have a- CLAIRE I-I-I haven't even thought about that yet. I'm still just contending with the emotional side of it. KELLY Well I guess why not? CLAIRE Why not what? KELLY Why not try it. I mean, if it doesn't work out, you could probably write an award-winning research paper. CLAIRE The secret sordid love lives of robots. KELLY Not that it's a fair comparison, but as someone who's been with a man who could be unemotional at times, just be careful. We're all attached to Isaac, but the reality is he can't love. Just make sure you don't get hurt. CLAIRE Hi. ISAAC Hello, Doctor. CLAIRE What you doing? ISAAC I am analyzing and re-conforming the hyperspace metrics in Dr. Aronov's temporal equations. CLAIRE Can I help at all? ISAAC That is doubtful. CLAIRE You want some company? ISAAC For what purpose? CLAIRE Okay. Um I'm just gonna go right at it. Uh, Isaac would you like to go on a date with me? ISAAC A date? CLAIRE Yes. ISAAC A social coupling designed to facilitate mating. CLAIRE Wow, it just got really hot in here. ISAAC I am not detecting a rise in the temperature. CLAIRE Isaac. I would very much like to go out with you. ISAAC Out. Into space? CLAIRE No, out. To dinner. To a show. Uh, how about the symphony on Friday? You and me. We could see how it feels. ISAAC Such an outing would yield substantial data regarding human behavioral patterns. CLAIRE Is that a yes? ISAAC Affirmative, Doctor. I will go on a date with you. GORDON I just think if it had a little more kick when I hit the gas, it would feel better, you know? JOHN You understand this isn't a Porsche, right? This is a quantum drive engine that makes a thousand-trillion independent calculations every millisecond. GORDON Yeah, I know that, I-I-I just like to feel a certain level of responsiveness when I'm driving. JOHN Oh, okay. You want power steering, too? Maybe an air freshener shaped like a little tree? ISAAC Excuse me, Commander Lamarr. Am I interrupting? JOHN Oh, hey, Isaac. No, what's up? ISAAC I require guidance. How does one prepare for a date? JOHN Uh, I'm sorry, did you say a date? ISAAC Affirmative. YAPHIT Are you serious? GORDON Isaac, you have a date? ISAAC Yes. DANN Oh wow, sweet emotion! ISAAC I am seeking advice. GORDON Well, I mean, what I would normally do is- ISAAC I prefer to hear from Commander Lamarr. JOHN W-Well, who's the lucky lady? Or fella? Or o-object? ISAAC Doctor Finn. YAPHIT What?! No way, come on! JOHN Wait, who asked who out? ISAAC It was Dr. Finn's request. I must now learn the intricacies of the ritual. JOHN Well, you got to get some threads. I mean, if it's a real date, you're gonna want to look snazzy. ISAAC Snazzy. JOHN But don't overdue it. It should feel comfortable and feel like you. You're a pretty conservative guy, so I would go with something fun but classic. DANN I have some really neat shirts if you want to borrow one. I mean, not just for the date, any time. JOHN And you're gonna want to pick her up at her place. And maybe bring some flowers, too. But not roses. You don't want to come on too strong too soon. ISAAC This input is quite helpful. Thank you, Commander. GORDON Oh, God. GORDON/JOHN Oh, my God. You guys. JOHN Isaac and Claire are going on a date. I swear to god, he just told us! GORDON Claire and Isaac are going on a date. This is so insane, I can't even believe it. ED W-Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys, guys, guys! Slow down. What's going on? GORDON All right, Claire asked Isaac out on a date. TALLA What? ED You serious? KELLY So he told you. ED Wait, you knew about this? KELLY Claire confided in me. But now apparently the whole ship knows. ED Uh, is this a thing? Like, w-what did I miss? TALLA I mean, they've always been close, right? I saw them hanging out together after Ty's recital. KELLY They bonded during the shuttle accident, and it just blossomed into something more. It happens. BORTUS A human and an artificial life-form are incompatible. It will not succeed. TALLA How do you know? They could just be two people in love. ED What, it's not as simple as that. The guy has limitations. I mean, even in the best case scenario, he's still my father, and he'll never be a weightlifter, no matter how much his heart is in it. ISAAC Hello, Doctor. I am here for our date. CLAIRE Isaac. You're. You're dressed. ISAAC Commander Lamarr advised me to "look snazzy." CLAIRE Well, mission accomplished. I wish the boys could see you. ISAAC Will they be joining us? CLAIRE Uh, no, Ty's at a sleepover, Marcus went to the simulator. Uh, shall we go? ISAAC That is the next appropriate step. CLAIRE You nervous? ISAAC That is not possible. CLAIRE I am. Excited, but a little nervous. ISAAC May I ask why? CLAIRE It's all brand new. And I don't know where it's gonna take me. That's always a little scary. ISAAC Perhaps you should go home. CLAIRE No! No, I mean, uh, scary good. Sometimes it's electrifying being afraid. It means you're out of your comfort zone. Shuttle bay. KLYDEN Bortus. I wish that you would remove that thing. BORTUS What thing? KLYDEN The strip of hair above your lip. BORTUS The moustache. Why? KLYDEN Because it is foolish looking. And people are staring at us. BORTUS They are not. And if they are, it is with admiration. KLYDEN I do not like the way it feels when we kiss. And last night there were bits of your dinner present. It must go. BORTUS We will discuss this later. TOPA Papa. I like it. BORTUS Thank you, Topa. CONDUCTOR Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. One of the great pleasures of conducting the Union symphony is getting to travel around the galaxy every summer, performing for so many brave members of the fleet. It's an honor to be here. Before we begin our main program, we'd like to start off with something a little light. Enjoy. CLAIRE You know, it was funny they played that song. Just the other day I was thinking what I miss most about being away from Earth. The rain. ISAAC It is my understanding that many humans dislike precipitation. CLAIRE Oh, not this human. When I was on Earth, I used to sit outside on the front porch before a thunderstorm and smell the ozone in the air. And then the rain would come crashing down in big dark curtains, and it was exciting and beautiful and humbling and wonderful, and I always thought to myself, "This is what being alive is all about." ISAAC The simulator is quite capable of recreating such an environment. CLAIRE It's not the same. I tried. The smells are never completely accurate. Although, I must say, I am really impressed with this simulation. ISAAC It is your favorite Earth restaurant, is it not? CLAIRE Yeah, I was wondering how you knew. ISAAC It was in your personnel file. My neural processors can instantly access and cross-reference all information in the ship's database. CLAIRE Wow. Feels like home. ISAAC Your home is Baltimore, Maryland, located in the Northwestern hemisphere of Earth. Founded 1729 Earth time, approximately 210 square kilometers- CLAIRE O-O-Okay, you got it, you got it- woo. Oh, my God. You're like Jeff Bellman. ISAAC A fictional character from your favorite motion picture, Mind of Hermes, completed 2035 Earth time, a depiction of. CLAIRE I-Isaac. Is there anything you don't know about me? ISAAC I downloaded all available information prior to our date. CLAIRE It kind of takes the fun out of getting to know someone, doesn't it? ISAAC My intent was to maximize efficiency, so that our evening would conclude more promptly. CLAIRE What's my favorite vacation spot? ISAAC The Caribbean island of St. Lucia. CLAIRE Favorite animal. ISAAC The dolphin. CLAIRE Favorite drink. ISAAC Champagne. CLAIRE Favorite food. ISAAC Potato cakes. WAITER Here's your potato cakes and champagne. CLAIRE Thank you. Isaac it's not really a first date without the excitement of getting to know the other person. ISAAC My method is more efficient. CLAIRE Uh, yeah, but nothing's spontaneous. Okay, listen. Let's flip the tables here. That's not what I meant. ISAAC Reset table. CLAIRE What I mean is, w-why don't I ask about you? ISAAC Of course, Doctor. CLAIRE No human has ever been to your home planet Kaylon. What's it like? ISAAC Kaylon One. It is a planet populated by artificial life-forms. Circumference 57,583 kilometers. Average density 4.42 grams per cubic centimeter. Surface gravity 1.13 times Earth standard. CLAIRE And these reports you send about us. The data you collect for your research of biological life-forms. How long does it go on? ISAAC Kaylon Primary will notify me when sufficient data has been acquired. CLAIRE And then your people will consider joining the Union? ISAAC That is correct. CLAIRE What does your data tell you about us? ISAAC Please clarify. CLAIRE Well, what I mean is, I was Well, I was ju Nevermind. CLAIRE Well, I had a really interesting time tonight, Isaac. ISAAC As did I. It yielded considerable data of which I have already begun analysis. CLAIRE At least you'll be thinking about me. ISAAC Do you wish to have another "date"? CLAIRE Um maybe. ISAAC Shall we begin now? CLAIRE Uh, l-let's give it a day or so, huh? I am a little tired. ISAAC Very well. Good night, Doctor. CLAIRE Good night, Isaac. GORDON Well? ISAAC Can I assist you, Lieutenant? GORDON Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. How did it go? ISAAC You are referring to my evening with Dr. Finn. GORDON Yes, brainiac. We're all dying to find out what happened. ISAAC We attended the symphony, then Dr. Finn consumed an evening meal. KELLY That's it? That's all you're gonna tell us? ISAAC What information do you require? TALLA Did you have fun? Were there sparks? ISAAC Sparks? TALLA Yeah. ISAAC Negative, there was no equipment malfunction. ED Well, you don't have to brag about it. ISAAC There is one element that has presented some difficulty in my analysis. Dr. Finn said I was not "spontaneous" enough. KELLY Sounds like she wants you to be more in the moment. ISAAC Please elaborate. ED Well, you should try to surprise her every now and then. KELLY One year for my birthday, Ed showed up in my office unannounced, and he brought me a cake. ED Baked it myself. KELLY It was the saddest, grossest-looking thing you've ever seen. ED Okay, but that's not- KELLY It was like this wide mound of yellow- ED It was the taste that matters. KELLY It looked like. You ever see a picture of a caterpillar pupa? ED Come on now. KELLY Like a half-formed thing? ED That's. KELLY That's what it looked like. ED That's what it looked like. But- KELLY But it was the thought that counted. ED But it was the thought that counted. Exactly. CLAIRE Well, you couldn't be healthier, Talla. Every test is letter perfect. TALLA Told you. CLAIRE Yeah, well, it's still no excuse for waiting so long for your physical. Most ship's doctors aren't as patient as I am. Excuse the pun. KELLY Hey. CLAIRE Oh, Commander, hi. KELLY Forget the Commander, this is a Kelly visit. We heard Isaac's bone-dry account, and I wanted to hear how your night went. CLAIRE Ugh. I just don't know. KELLY What do you mean? CLAIRE I just didn't feel the way I wanted to feel. It's like, when I'm just spending time with Isaac under normal circumstances, he's charming and adorable without even trying. But last night, he was so prepared. It was all too rigid. TALLA Well he is a machine. CLAIRE I know. And dating a machine, it's. Oh, God, I hear my mother's words in my head "Be open-minded, but not so open that your brain falls out." TALLA You know, there is one upside here He doesn't eat. CLAIRE Well, how is that an upside? TALLA Every time I'm in a relationship, I gain weight. It's just all about food. KELLY That's true, like 90% of a relationship is going, "What should we eat?" TALLA You go out, you eat, you drink, you come home, you eat more, you drink more. KELLY Ed and I gained 40 pounds combined when we were married. TALLA That's why I always try to break up with guys by summer. KELLY God, we were fat. TALLA See, you don't have to worry about that. Point for Isaac. CLAIRE Great. We can be awkward and starving. I-I don't know, Kelly, maybe you were right. Maybe it was just me projecting my own affection onto him and thinking it was real. KELLY So what are you gonna do? CLAIRE CLAIRE ISAAC I have brought you a cake. CLAIRE Isaac, what the hell are you doing here? ISAAC I am being spontaneous. CLAIRE It's 300 in the morning! ISAAC Surprise. I am taking you on a date. CLAIRE No, Isaac. For God's sake, not now. MARCUS Mom, what's going on? CLAIRE God. TY Hey, Isaac! ISAAC Hello, Ty. MARCUS Why is Isaac here? CLAIRE Never mind, kids. Go back to bed. Now! TY Is that cake for us? CLAIRE Now, Ty! We'll talk in the morning. Go! Listen, Isaac, this is my fault. I don't know why I ever thought this was going to work. I was lonely, and I just reached out in the wrong direction. ISAAC On the contrary. The data I have accumulated has been most useful. CLAIRE You see, that's exactly what I mean. To you, it's just data. Uh- my God, I can't even kiss you. ISAAC Does this mean you do not wish to go on a date with me right now? CLAIRE Yes, that is what it means. I'm sorry. I think we should just go back to the way things were. ISAAC Very well. Good night, Doctor. JOHN Uh-huh. Yes. That's a good ball. TURCO Yeah, baby! Woo! JOHN Boom! That's what I'm talking about! GORDON It's true, he was just talking about that. Hey, Isaac. What's going on? ISAAC I am here to observe. JOHN You want to learn how to bowl? ISAAC Negative. It is my understanding that you and Ensign Turco are dating. TURCO I mean, w- yeah, it's not serious or anything, but we hang out. JOHN It's not? TURCO Is it? JOHN I, uh, no. TURCO No, right. JOHN Uh, no. TURCO No. JOHN Psh. Why do you ask? ISAAC Dr. Finn has terminated our coupling. This would indicate a flaw in my ability to fully process human romantic interaction. GORDON Wait. Claire broke up with you? ISAAC Affirmative. TURCO Oh, my God, Isaac, I'm so sorry. ISAAC You are not to blame, Ensign. JOHN What did she say exactly? ISAAC "Listen, Isaac, this is my fault. I don't know why I ever thought this was going to work. I was lonely, and I just reached out in the wrong direction. My God, I can't even kiss you." GORDON Okay, remind me never to tell you anything intimate. JOHN I think I might have an idea. ISAAC Hello, Doctor. CLAIRE Isaac. What what are you doing? ISAAC Initiate simulation. CLAIRE Isaac. Is that you? ISAAC Affirmative, Doctor. Commander Lamarr suggested I create a simulation that would allow us to kiss. CLAIRE Can't believe it. ISAAC In addition, I have deleted all data pertaining to your background and interests from my internal memory. This will allow me to get to know you. Would you like to sit? CLAIRE I think I better. CLAIRE So I guess this means you don't know where I'm from. ISAAC Negative. That information has been deleted. CLAIRE Baltimore, Maryland. Back on Earth. ISAAC I would like to know more about Baltimore. CLAIRE That's a sentence you don't hear very often. Um, well, I haven't been back in awhile, but I remember there was always something to see and do. Music, art, live performances, they have one of the best symphonies on the continent. ISAAC Do you prefer it to the Orville? CLAIRE Oh, no, I love my job. But I do miss one thing. ISAAC What is it? CLAIRE You really did delete everything. Rain, Isaac. I miss the rain. ISAAC It is my understanding that many humans dislike precipitation. CLAIRE Déjà vu. I love it. ISAAC I would be interested to see Baltimore. Was that a kiss? CLAIRE It was. ISAAC Did I execute it correctly? CLAIRE You did just fine, Isaac. ISAAC If you wish, you may kiss me again. CLAIRE Simulate quarters. Finn, Dr. Claire J. CLAIRE I'd like to do more than that. CLAIRE The moment he transformed, it was one of the most moving experiences I've ever had. A machine, who knows nothing of love, only logic figured out a way to say "I'm trying. Let me try." TALLA How was he? CLAIRE At first I thought it was gonna feel mathematical. But that was the exquisite part of it. He could instantly attune to and harmonize with my every move, with such precision. Imagine a human guy that aware. That eager to please. It was amazing. KELLY I got to say, that actually sounds kind of incredible. TALLA It sounds like he really is a machine. CLAIRE But does that really matter? Does it matter why people do what they do for us? Whether it's a man or a computer? KELLY As long as they make you feel the way you want to feel, then I don't think so. CLAIRE It's the best it's ever been for me. And maybe it's okay that it doesn't look like I thought it would. Maybe it's okay that it looks like a woman and a vacuum cleaner. TALLA CLAIRE I think I'm in love with him. ISAAC The coital pairing marks the completion of my data acquisition. What is the proper method of terminating a coupling? JOHN You want to break up with her? ISAAC There is no need for further association at this time. Analysis of the data I have accumulated will be sufficient. JOHN Well, she's probably gonna be really upset. ISAAC It is not my intention to distress Dr. Finn. I merely wish to conclude the experiment. JOHN I can tell you what I'd do. When I'm in it with a girl and I want out but I don't want to make her feel bad, I get her to break up with me. ISAAC Please elaborate. JOHN You just have to make yourself really unappealing. So she doesn't want to be with you anymore. That way, you end it, but nobody gets hurt. At least not as much. ISAAC I see. How would you suggest I proceed in this endeavor? JOHN ISAAC Ah. You are home. It is about time. CLAIRE Isaac? What are you doing? ISAAC I am awaiting my dinner. This has caused me to become displeased. CLAIRE You don't eat. And what the hell are you wearing? Is that underwear? ISAAC Affirmative. CLAIRE I thought we were going out tonight. I was looking forward to trying that butter cake at Mooska's. ISAAC The last thing you need is more dessert. CLAIRE Excuse me? ISAAC As I am incapable of stuttering, I must conclude that you heard me. CLAIRE Okay, you're gonna tell me what's going on right now. Beginning with an apology for what you just said. ISAAC I am sorry you are upset. Perhaps you are on your period. CLAIRE Get out. Right now. ISAAC Does this mean we are no longer together? CLAIRE Wait a minute is that what you're trying to do? Get me to break up with you? ISAAC Affirmative, Doctor. CLAIRE But why? ISAAC Commander Lamarr said it would be the most appropriate means of terminating our coupling. CLAIRE But why would you want to do that? ISAAC I have experienced the full arc of a human relationship. Our sexual union signified the completion of the experience. CLAIRE You slept with me, so now you're finished with me? ISAAC That is correct. CLAIRE Fine, then. You just got what you wanted. We're done. Get out. ISAAC Good day, Doctor. Thank you for your assistance. ISAAC Captain, I have completed the spectrographic analysis of the Septar binary system. Full data cataloguing variations in radial velocity is now available. ED Great, coordinate with Chief Lamarr. ISAAC Aye, sir. GORDON Way to go, jerk. ISAAC Are you addressing me, Lieutenant? GORDON Nope. No, just talking to myself. TALLA How's Claire doing, Commander? KELLY She's doing great, considering. TALLA That's good. I know if a guy ever treated me that way, I'd probably want to break a few of his ribs. KELLY Understandable feeling. GORDON Weird how some guys can treat a woman that way, and somehow just not be bothered by it. Takes a special kind of garbage person, if you ask me. BARTENDER 'Nother one, Miss? CLAIRE Yeah, thanks. Make it a double. VOICE Hey, Doc. CLAIRE Oh, God, not here. Yaphit, this is a private simulation. YAPHIT I thought you might want some company. CLAIRE What in God's name did you do? YAPHIT Just a little makeover. Can I buy you a drink? CLAIRE No. YAPHIT Are you sure? I know I hate being alone when I'm on the rebound. CLAIRE I'm not on the rebound. YAPHIT Hey man, I'm on your side. I always knew Isaac was a scumbag. Only had one thing on his mind, that guy. You're better off without him. CLAIRE Yeah, I just wish someone had told me that before. YAPHIT Hey, you want to see something cool? CLAIRE What? YAPHIT Watch this. Some whiskey, my lady? CLAIRE God. YAPHIT What'd I say? ISAAC Hello, Doctor. CLAIRE What do you want? ISAAC I am here for Ty's piano lesson. CLAIRE Ty has a new piano teacher. ISAAC May I ask whom? CLAIRE Lieutenant Kleeman. ISAAC Lieutenant Kleeman's 26 fingers may appear to be an advantage, however his ability to navigate the keyboard is inferior to mine. CLAIRE He'll manage just fine. ISAAC Your reasoning is unclear. CLAIRE Then let me clarify it for you You and I have to work together. But aside from that, I don't want you in my life. ISAAC If this is due to the termination of our coupling, it would be far more efficient to excise it from your memory and resume standard operating status. CLAIRE Yeah, well, it doesn't work that way for humans. I know you can't understand that, and that's why I don't hate you. I just don't want to be around you any more than I have to, that's all. ISAAC Very well, Doc- TALLA There's a sight you don't see every day. GORDON I've heard about these things, but I've never been this close to one. KELLY Isaac, analysis. ISAAC The primary is a type B7 white dwarf star. The secondary is a type M2 red dwarf. The radial velocity of the white dwarf is 78.2kilometers per second. Correction 89.6 kilometers per second. JOHN W-Wait, how's that possible? Orbital velocity can't just change without an outside force. ISAAC It did not, sir. The error was mine. KELLY Yours? ISAAC Yes, Commander. I believe I should perform a self-diagnostic immediately. ED I'd say that's a good idea. GORDON I've never seen him make a mistake before. At least, not that kind. ED Am I interrupting? ISAAC Negative, sir. I have completed 97% of the diagnostic. ED You find anything? ISAAC There is no evidence of any significant malfunction. However, I believe I have identified the source of the error. ED And what is it? ISAAC I have restructured several recursive algorithms in order to accommodate Dr. Finn's request that we minimize our association. However, I neglected to account for the adaptive nature of my programming at large. ED Well, we've all done that once or twice. So what happened? ISAAC The time I have spent with Dr. Finn since my arrival on board the Orville has affected a number of unrelated subprograms. The data had not reduced the efficiency of those subroutines, so I saw no reason to delete it. However, it has contradicted the directive of the new algorithms. ED She's gotten under your skin. ISAAC I do not have skin. ED Your various programs are used to her. And it turns out she's not so easy to just delete. ISAAC A crude analogy, but essentially accurate. ED You know, Isaac, you just might be the first artificial life-form in history to fall in love. ISAAC That is not possible. However, the incompatible data must be consolidated in some fashion. I must create a new translative program. ED Let me suggest a possible option There is one part of the relationship experience that you haven't yet tackled. ISAAC Please elaborate. ED You screwed up. And now you have to win back the girl. ISAAC Dr. Finn has made her wishes clear. ED Yeah, well, Dr. Finn is also the wisest person on board this ship. She knows how new this is to you. If she sees you making a real effort, then who knows? She just might be understanding. ISAAC I have no experience in such matters. ED Yeah, well, there's no rulebook for this one. Y-You just have to take everything you know about her, every bit of data, and do something you've never done. ISAAC What is that? ED Be creative. TALLA You finally shaved, huh? BORTUS Klyden insisted. I became tired of his protests. TALLA Well, for what it's worth, I think you look better this way. BORTUS Perhaps. It was itchy. ED Well, I think we've seen about all there is to see here. JOHN Affirmative on that. We got about six months' worth of data out of these scans. ED Gordon, set a course for outpost 30. GORDON You got it, sir. Off we go. KELLY Lieutenant Keyali, signal them we're on our way. TALLA Aye, Commander. CLAIRE What is it, Captain? ED Hm? CLAIRE I got a message, you needed me on the bridge? ED I-I didn't call you. CLAIRE You didn't? ED Did you call sickbay? KELLY No. CLAIRE Well, somebody did. My comm said it came from the bridge. ISAAC I did, Doctor. CLAIRE What for? ISAAC Initiate environmental subprogram 43-Isaac. Dr. Finn. I apologize for my conduct. Further analysis of human interaction has informed me that a relationship is best served when both parties make a commitment to its longevity. I wish to attempt this. CLAIRE Isaac. If a relationship has any chance of working, it has to matter to both people. More than anything else in their lives. ISAAC My research has verified this fact. CLAIRE And why should I just say yes? ISAAC My internal programs will function more efficiently if you do. CLAIRE You're saying you're better with me than without me? ISAAC Affirmative, Doctor. GORDON We are, without a doubt, the weirdest ship in the fleet.