ALIENS BORTUS CASSIUS CLAIRE COMM_OFFICER DORSETT ED GORDON JANEL JOHN KELLY KRILL_CAPTAIN KRILL_COMMANDER KRILL_FEMALE KRILL_VOICE SECURITY_OFFICER TELEYA THARL THARL Hey, guys, sorry I'm late. KELLY Something wrong with your uniform, Lieutenant? THARL Well, I went for a jog in the simulator and lost track of time, figured I should get to my shift, but I'll go get changed if you want. KELLY Yeah, why don't you go get changed? ED He's got the night shift, he's fine. Tharl, you're fine. THARL Righteous. Mellow Alert. KELLY You've been very relaxed lately. ED Why, am I not usually relaxed? KELLY No, it's just you seem a little different. Like, your mood is different. ED I'm just doing my job, nothing new. KELLY Okay. ED I mean, I can be more uptight if that's what- KELLY No, no, it's-it's great to see. In fact, maybe now's a good time to let you know that we've been asked to make a supply run to Epsilon 5. GORDON Again? God, it seems like all we do lately is deliver supplies. KELLY Their synthesizers are down and we're the closest ship. GORDON Yeah, but we're supposed to be out here exploring. Instead, we're the pizza guy. JANEL Captain, I finished the dark matter survey you requested. It covers a radius of 25 parsecs. ED Thank you, Lieutenant. JANEL Will there be anything else, sir? ED That'll be all, thanks. You know, I think I might knock off early tonight. It's kind of quiet up here. KELLY All good. I'll see you in the morning. ED All right. ED Here we go. JANEL Scotch and popcorn. Perfect pairing. ED Yes. What did I miss? JANEL He's still singing with his shirt off. ED Oh. Oh, this is great right here, watch this. ED They'll be nothing left on Earth excepting fishes. JANEL How many times have you seen this? ED A lot. I--My parents felt it was important to expose me to the classics. So, yeah. You know, you got to pick a movie some night, I feel like I'm always the one doing it. JANEL Well, you're doing good so far. What was that one you showed me about the taxi driver? ED Taxi Driver. JANEL Yeah, what was that called? ED Yeah, it was, it was called Taxi Driver. JANEL Oh, right, yeah, I liked that one. Oh, it's chilly in here. ED It's the environmental controls. I keep telling John he's gotta fix them. Here you go. JANEL Thanks. ED JANEL You know, it's getting harder and harder to keep this quiet. Lieutenant Morris told me today I have a “glow.” ED Yeah, Kelly said something similar. I wonder if it's time to be open about it. JANEL You know what'd be great? ED What? JANEL We should take a trip. When was the last time you actually had time off? ED Not since I took command of the Orville. JANEL Well, then you're way overdue. And remember, you're dating a cartographer. I know all the best vacation spots. ED Does sound nice. JANEL So, what do you say? Shall we go public? ED Let me sleep on it? GORDON Janel? Like, Lieutenant Janel? ED Yeah. GORDON Like, smoking hot dark matter cartographer Janel? ED Yeah, I just want to make sure you're okay with it. GORDON Yeah. Yeah, no, no, it's-it's all good. ED 'Cause I know you had a thing for her at one time, and if it bothers you at all, it's- GORDON Oh, no, dude, it was just a crush. I'm totally good. Okay. To be honest, I've been wanting to see you get back on your feet ever since the divorce, so if she makes you happy, I love it. ED Yeah, she does. She's cool, she's smart, she's funny, sh-she checks every box. I've never met a woman who checked every box. GORDON You said Kelly checked every box. ED Yeah, well, I got more boxes now. She checks those, too. GORDON Can I add a box? ED Sure. GORDON Your best friend approves. ED Thanks, man. GORDON Have you guys done it yet? ED Have we-have we done it?Are you allowed to use that phrase after the age of 12? GORDON Well, have you? ED Look, there's something more important I want to talk about. I think I'm gonna tell Kelly. GORDON Really? ED Yeah, you think that's a good idea? GORDON Well, she's got a guy of her own, anyway, and if you guys are serious, she's gonna find out sooner or later. Yeah, you should tell her. CASSIUS Oh, hey, Captain. ED Cassius. Is, uh, Kelly here? CASSIUS Yeah. KELLY Hey, what's up? ED Can I talk to you for a second? Won't take long. KELLY Yeah, sure. You mind? CASSIUS Hmm, all good, I have to grade papers, anyway. I'll see you tomorrow. KELLY Okay. CASSIUS Okay. KELLY Bye. Everything alright? ED Yeah, it is. Um, I just wanted to be the one to tell you. I'm seeing Janel Tyler. KELLY I know. ED What? KELLY Come on, really? I see the way you smile when she walks onto the bridge. I know your smiles. You have 15. Three are for happiness. 11 are passive-aggressive, and one is for being in love. I've seen it before, you know. ED What are you, Jane Goodall? KELLY Yeah, and you're the primate. ED Why didn't you say anything? KELLY I figured you would tell me when you were ready. Plus, it's really none of my business. ED Well, we were thinking of taking a trip. I have some shore leave piled up. KELLY Wow. You really do like this woman. ED Sensoria Two is just a few light-years away. We could hop on a shuttle first thing in the morning. KELLY It's no problem, I'll handle the supply run. ED Thank you. KELLY Please, it's just a quick delivery ED No, I mean, thank you for being so cool about this. KELLY Number four. JANEL You okay back there? ED Forgot my toiletries. Can you believe that? Toothbrush, shaving cream, shampoo, all of it. JANEL Synthesize new ones. ED I-I can't, I have this special floss that I use from Navidian micro-silk. I have very tight spaces between my teeth, I don't know if you noticed. JANEL No, I hadn't. Come on up here and look at the nebula. ED Oh wow, look at that. JANEL Isn't that pretty? ED That is really something. JANEL What are we listening to, again? ED This? This is, uh, Billy Joel. JANEL Earth guy? ED Old Earth. Yeah, like, 400 years ago. You're not really into that kind of stuff, are you? JANEL I'm into anything we do together. ED Well, you know what, I'm glad we did this. JANEL Me, too. And I'm relieved Commander Grayson doesn't hate me. ED No, she does not hate you. In fact, she told me that she- JANEL What is it? ED It's a convoy. About 20,000 kilometers off the starboard bow. JANEL Oh my God. Ed, they're Krill. ED Yeah. Three marauder-class fighters, closing fast. I'm taking evasive maneuvers, stand by to cloak. ED Engage cloak. ED They're still closing. 10,000 kilometers. 5,000. 2,000. JANEL Here they come. ED A little excitement to start the trip, huh? JANEL Yeah, I think I'm gonna need a massage when we get there. ED Yeah. There shouldn't be any Krill activity in this sector. JANEL Should we warn Union Central? ED Let's wait till they're out of range first. JANEL Ed, they're turning around. ED All right. It's okay, they still can't see us. JANEL Then why the hell are they coming back? JANEL They're venting drive plasma. ED Oh no. ED I'm raising deflectors. JANEL They're targeting our engines. ED You okay? JANEL Yeah, I think so. You? ED Power's almost gone. JANEL Look. ED Oh my God, we're in trouble. KELLY Thought you'd be glad to know they've finally assigned us a new Security Chief. She'll be here next week. BORTUS There are many on board who will be pleased to know this. KELLY Tharl driving you crazy, too? BORTUS He does not stop talking, and he makes loud noises when he consumes food. He comes to the Mess Hall wearing sandals. KELLY Come in. GORDON Oh, if-if you guys are busy, I can come back later. KELLY Not at all, what's up? GORDON Commander, I would like to formally submit a request to be considered for the Shipmaster Qualification Program. KELLY You want to take the command test? GORDON I-I've been thinking about it for a while now, and I'm ready to move up in the ranks. Maybe even have my own ship one day. KELLY What brought this on? GORDON Look, I-I love flying, but it's all I've ever done. I have 56,000 light-years under my belt. KELLY Well, you're one of the best pilots in the fleet. GORDON Yeah, but that's the problem. You do one thing well and they expect you to do it forever. KELLY You realize that there's a tremendous amount of training involved. Course work, simulator runs, psychological testing. GORDON Yeah, bring it on. I'm ready. KELLY Okay. Well, first you'll need a medical and psych evaluation. I'll tell Doctor Finn to expect you. GORDON Thank you, Commander. I won't let you down. Future Captain, right here. BORTUS He will fail. KRILL CAPTAIN Welcome aboard, Captain. ED Where's Janel? KRILL CAPTAIN You will not ask questions. You will answer them. ED What questions? KRILL CAPTAIN Your command codes. I want them. ED I want to see Janel. KRILL CAPTAIN I am capable of causing you great pain, Captain. ED Look, my command codes wouldn't be any good to you. We're not on a Union ship. KRILL CAPTAIN Your shuttle's computer can be used to access the Union deployment strategies. I want the codes! ED I'm not a Fleet Admiral. Okay, even if I gave them to you, I don't have clearance for that level of classified information. KRILL CAPTAIN ED What are you doing? KRILL CAPTAIN The command codes. JANEL ED No, stop, stop, we can talk! KRILL CAPTAIN We are talking. The codes, Captain! ED Look, I can't just KRILL CAPTAIN A Krill can survive up to level 8. Humans are less resilient. Go to level 6. JANEL Oh, God. Please. KRILL CAPTAIN I can see that this is torture for you, as well. Level 9! ED Look, stop! Just let her go, okay? I'll give you the codes! All right? I'll give them to you. Alpha Charlie 27 Gamma 42 Delta 6. KRILL CAPTAIN If you're lying, she dies. GORDON I didn't think I'd be this nervous.It's like, like the first day of school. CLAIRE Well, just relax. There are no right or wrong answers. Now, I'm going to show you a series of different shapes, and I want you to tell me what you see. Just say the first thing that comes to mind. GORDON Got it. Yeah, I uh I'd rather not say. CLAIRE Why not? GORDON It's kind of embarrassing. Can we move on to the next one? CLAIRE All right. What do you see? GORDON Oh man, that is disgusting. CLAIRE This is all confidential. No judgment. GORDON That's even worse than the last one. CLAIRE What do you see? GORDON Let's move on! CLAIRE Moving on. GORDON My God, who makes these things? CLAIRE Okay, try this. GORDON Okay, this is a hostile work environment. CLAIRE I suggest you move on to the simulator test, we can get back to this. GORDON Can I have a drink of water? KRILL FEMALE I've been looking forward to this moment for a very long time. ED Teleya. TELEYA You seem surprised. Did you really think we would not meet again? ED Where's Janel? I gave you the codes. I want to see her. TELEYA Lieutenant Tyler? That would be difficult. She no longer exists. ED What do you mean? TELEYA She never existed."We should take a trip. When was the last time you actually had time off?" ED Janel. TELEYA I know how this must feel, Captain. The humiliation, the confusion. It is just as I felt when you infiltrated my ship. You offered kindness. All the while preparing to murder my entire crew. ED You were human. TELEYA Trans-cellular micro-grafting. An extremely painful process, but the only way to fool your bio-scanners. ED I am an idiot. TELEYA For once, we agree. ED So, none of it was real. Your background, your service record. TELEYA An invention. Lieutenant Tyler was designed to be the ideal Union Officer and the perfect lure. ED Well done. TELEYA It was not difficult. You are simplistic and easily manipulated. ED I don't--I don't understand, you were a teacher. TELEYA After I was interrogated by your Union, I escaped. ED How? TELEYA That is unimportant. I chose not to return to my post. To become a soldier in the divine fight. When I was assigned to this vessel, I learned of the plan to capture a Union Captain. I volunteered for the mission. Choosing you was my idea. ED So, what, what, do you just want revenge? TELEYA The Anhkana teaches that vengeance is the will of Avis. His will shall be done. ED What's going on? TELEYA We are under attack. ED What's the fastest way to your shuttle bay? TELEYA This way. KRILL VOICE Ha'jakuvo! Me'skah! TELEYA We've been boarded. ALIENS TELEYA We must find an escape pod. TELEYA Emergency power is down. ALIENS ED You realize we're sitting ducks if they decide to come after us. TELEYA The pod is programmed to seek out the closest habitable world. There is a planet not far from here. Oxygen atmosphere. TELEYA Get up. ED TELEYA I was not able to transmit a distress signal. The magnetic ore in this valley is causing interference. We must seek higher ground. You will carry that. ED Who the hell were those guys? TELEYA The Chak'tal. They reside on the border of Krill space. ED Why did they attack you? TELEYA We destroyed one of their colonies during our expansion into that sector. It is ours by divine right, but they do not see this. They are savage and do not retreat. And they never leave survivors. They will be here soon. Move. COMM OFFICER Sir, the Krill are hailing us. GORDON Put them on. KRILL COMMANDER You will release the prisoners immediately. GORDON They were part of a raiding party that nearly destroyed one of our outposts. Now, I can release them to you, but only if your people agree to establish diplomatic channels so that we all can- KRILL COMMANDER There will be no negotiations! Comply with my demands or we will open fire. GORDON Okay, see, let me, let me tell you why that is a terrible idea. We've recently installed a crazy new deflector that'll bounce back anything you throw at us, so you're basically shooting yourself in the face. KRILL COMMANDER Our scans show no such device. GORDON Well, maybe not. But you know what we do have? We have heart. Yeah, we got a lot of heart. Lot of passion. You know, so, watch out. KRILL COMMANDER You will release the prisoners, or you will die. SECURITY OFFICER Sir, they're charging weapons. GORDON We also eat a lot of protein. You know, fr-fresh fruits and vegetables, that kind of thing. Very, very healthy diet. Makes us tough. You know, you don't want to mess with that, trust me. Very little dairy. I mean, occasional sweet- KELLY End simulation. KELLY You just blew up. GORDON Sorry, I kind of choked there at the end. KELLY Well, the deflector thing was novel. GORDON I really thought I had him this time. KELLY You're thinking on your feet, so that's a start. I'm just not sure that good digestion is a persuasive deterrent. GORDON Well, what am I doing wrong? I mean, how can I beat this thing? KELLY I can't tell you that. There is a diplomatic solution, but you have to find it. GORDON All right. Ah, let's go again. KELLY Why don't we call it a day, come back fresh in the morning? GORDON Oh, come on, I feel like I'm so close. KELLY Look, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but you don't pass the command test overnight. It can take months. Part of being a leader is knowing when you've reached your limits. GORDON Right. KELLY Get some rest. That's an order. GORDON ED It's a lucky thing we hit the night side of this place. TELEYA Our escape pods are programmed to seek out the night side as a default. ED Must've been hard for you, being on our ship. All those bright lights. TELEYA I survived. ED So why don't you just kill me? TELEYA You will carry the beacon to high ground, then you will die. ED Can I ask you something? TELEYA What? ED Did you actually like any of the movies I showed you, or was that a lie, too? TELEYA There was one. ED One? One out of twenty? Wow, tough audience. Which one? TELEYA The one about the Ark. ED Raiders of the Lost Ark. You like that one. Okay. That was the only one? TELEYA I found the hero sympathetic. What was his name? Belloq. ED Belloq. That-those-those are the Nazis. They were the bad guys. TELEYA I have a question for you. ED What is it? TELEYA Your command codes. Were they authentic? ED Decoys. You punch them into your computer, it feeds you mountains of fake data. Would've taken you weeks to figure it out. I gambled we'd be rescued by then. TELEYA I see. ED Did you feel anything at all? TELEYA No. ED It was just your mission? To get close to me? TELEYA That is correct. ED Man, I liked you a lot better when you were using contractions. TELEYA Move. ED I-we canoodled. You canoodled with me. That was all fake? TELEYA Janel was created to appeal to your desperation for companionship. The interactions were superficial. ED No, you're wrong. She was kind. She was funny. She was thoughtful. I-She made me a grilled cheese sandwich. Why would you do that? You didn't have to do that. TELEYA You are a fool. ED I-I just can't believe that there wasn't a single genuine moment between us, I just can't believe that. TELEYA If I was not going to kill you, I would give you some advice. ED Please, love to hear it. TELEYA You are painfully attentive. The failure of your marriage has caused you to overcompensate in the moment. And yet, paradoxically, despite this, your work remains your first priority. You have no balance. ED My God, you sound like my ex-wife. TELEYA You feel entitled to educate others, but your own worldview is self-defeatingly narrow. ED Yeah, well, at least I know who Billy Joel is. ALIENS TELEYA What is it? ED Look. It'll be dawn soon. TELEYA Then we must reach high ground before then. ED There isn't time. We gotta be another thousand meters up before we can send that distress signal. TELEYA Then climb faster. ED Teleya, the sun will kill you. TELEYA If I die, you die. ED Look, even if we could sprint up this mountain, we'd never make it in time. We just have to find some shelter and wait out the day. We can get some rest, and head out when the sun sets. TELEYA There may be caves in the rock formations below that ridge. GORDON Did I tell you I'm taking the command test? DORSETT No way. GORDON Yep. DORSETT That's amazing. Is it as tough as everyone says? GORDON Tougher. But I'm feeling pumped. And killing it so far. DORSETT I'm impressed. GORDON Yeah, me, too. I mean, I'm happy things are going so well. DORSETT Well, make sure to invite me to your promotion ceremony. GORDON Well hey, why wait? I mean, feel like having a drink later with a future Captain? DORSETT Yeah, why not? GORDON Cool. KELLY Hey, Lieutenant. Can I talk to you for a minute? GORDON Yes, sir. I'll catch you later. KELLY Gordon, why are you taking the command test? GORDON I told you. I want to branch out, move up in the ranks. KELLY Yeah, but why? GORDON To be more successful. KELLY And what does success mean to you? GORDON You know, respect. KELLY So it's a status thing. GORDON Well, no, I mean that's not the whole- KELLY Are you doing this to pick up chicks? GORDON What? KELLY Honesty is a command requirement. GORDON Well, look. Did it cross my mind? Sure. I mean, wh-when you're the Captain or the Commander, it changes how people see you. KELLY Gordon, this isn't some club you join in high school to hang out with the cool kids. When you're in command, you're making life and death decisions, not dinner dates. GORDON Okay. I can see I'm an open book whether I want to be or not. I guess lately I've been feeling bored with myself. Like, is this all I am? A guy who drives ships from one place to another? And if I'm not enough for myself. what if that means I'm not enough for other people? KELLY I hope you know that's not true. Look, just be sure you're doing this for the right reasons. When you're in command, the last person you think about is yourself. Make sense? And by the way, if your goal is to prove how charming and awesome you are, as far as I'm concerned, you've already passed that test with flying colors. GORDON Thanks, Commander. ED You don't have to point that thing at me, I'm not going anywhere. TELEYA That is correct. ED You know, at some point, the Krill and the Union are gonna have to find some common ground. If we don't, eventually one of us is gonna be destroyed. TELEYA There is no common ground. ED Don't you remember The King and I? “Unless someday somebody trust somebody, there'll be nothing left on Earth excepting fishes?” TELEYA You lead a godless existence. You have no soul. You reject the guiding hand of Avis. And without belief, there can be no moral code. ED I don't know about that. We seem to be doing a lot less killing than you. TELEYA My brother would disagree. ED You know I'm sorry for that. But he would've destroyed a colony of a hundred thousand people. TELEYA Your own scientists claim your species is just another kind of animal. Animals have no souls. ED So, if I believed in Avis, then I would have a soul. TELEYA No. Avis created the Krill independently of all other life. And He created the universe for our dominion alone. ED Look, from what we've seen, when planets first achieve space travel, and they venture out into the galaxy, and discover that they're just one single species among a vast diversity of life-forms, they usually react in one of two ways. They embrace and adapt to the fact that they're no longer the center of the universe or they ratchet up their xenophobia. Now from what I've learned of your history, the Krill were a lot less fanatical before you left your home world. TELEYA You know nothing of our history. ED I know fear when I see it. You're afraid to accept the fact that your superiority may just be a comforting myth. TELEYA Who are you to lecture me about myths? You fell in love with a woman who did not exist. ED You know what? She did exist. For me, anyway. And I think that there is a lot more of her in you than you're willing to admit. And if she is in there somewhere, tell her tell her I miss her. I'm gonna get some sleep. TELEYA Lie on your side. ED What? TELEYA When you sleep on your back, you snore. It is irritating. TELEYA What are you doing? ED Change of plans. We can't wait for nightfall. TELEYA Why not? ED I've been tracking the position of the sun. It's barely moved half a degree in the last hour. That means a day on this planet is 23 Earth days long. I'm gonna have to do this alone. TELEYA No. We wait until dark again. ED We don't have enough rations for three days, let alone 23. And it's only a matter of time before your friends hunt us down. TELEYA I said we wait. ED The sooner I can send that distress call, the sooner we get rescued. TELEYA I will not allow you to leave me here. ED I'll come back, you have my word. TELEYA Why should I believe you? You have every reason to let me die. ED Well then, you can either shoot me, or trust me. I'll see you soon. TELEYA BORTUS Commander. I am picking up a distress signal from Captain Mercer. On a Krill frequency. GORDON Krill? KELLY Track the coordinates. BORTUS It is a planetary system two point six light-years away. KELLY Gordon, set a course. Maximum speed. GORDON Aye, sir. ED They're coming. We got to go. TELEYA Did you send the signal? ED Yeah. There are three of them, heading this way. TELEYA I cannot go outside. The sunlight. ED Come on. BORTUS The distress signal is emanating from the fourth planet in the system. GORDON Commander. BORTUS A Krill ship. KELLY What's left of it. KELLY Gordon, Bortus, take a shuttle and find the Captain. GORDON Aye, Commander. BORTUS I have located the distress beacon. GORDON Bio-signs show one human, one Krill. BORTUS There is no place to land. GORDON Don't worry, I'll make it work. BORTUS How? GORDON Hey, man, I'm a pilot. ED They found us. TELEYA A Union shuttle. ED Yeah. What are you doing? TELEYA I will not allow myself to be taken prisoner. ED Teleya, don't do this. Give me the gun. Teleya, give me the damn gun. KELLY I want to go on record here This is not right. ED Well, we'll find out. KELLY Ed, she impersonated a Union officer. She abducted you, and she could've killed you. ED I'm alive now. KELLY That doesn't change the fact that she's an enemy combatant. This is for the Admiralty to decide. You don't have the authority. ED Objection noted. KELLY You could be court-martialed. ED Noted. ED Teleya, I want you to contact your people. Tell them to send a ship to come pick you up. TELEYA I do not understand. ED I'm letting you go. CLAIRE Would you look at that. JOHN Not every day you see one of those without its guns blazing. GORDON I don't understand why Ed's doing this. The Admirals are gonna cut him to pieces. KELLY Maybe. Maybe not. It all depends if they see value in his decision. GORDON Yeah, but why take the risk? Especially for someone who wanted you dead. KELLY Lieutenant, that's command. Still interested? TELEYA If you believe releasing me will somehow improve relations between our people, you are indulging another fantasy. ED Defect of my species. We never give up hope. Just do me a favor, okay? Take this message back to your people We can keep fighting each other, or we can talk. TELEYA Very well. ED Oh, this is for you. TELEYA What is it? ED Best of Billy Joel. And if you ever get the itch to do movie night again, you know where to find me.