ALARA BARTENDER BORTUS BOY CASSIUS CLAIRE CLUBGOERS COMPUTER DANIELLE DANN ED GORDON ISAAC JAMES JODY JOHN KELLY KIDS KLYDEN LIEUTENANT MARCUS MOOSKA NATHAN SIMULATION TY TYLER WOMAN ED How long you had that thing? BARTENDER I had the computer replicate it last week. I'm trying to warm the place up a little bit, you know? Get a nice vibe going. ED The late night jazz, depressed-guy-at-the-bar vibe? I can help you with that. BARTENDER There you go. ED Thanks. BARTENDER Yeah, I'm going to have to request a extra monthly shipment of this stuff just for you, Cap. ED You know what the worst days are, Olix? The days when you can't stay busy. No Krill confrontations, no spatial anomalies, just nothing going on. And all your thoughts just march inward. BARTENDER So most days. ALARA Hey. Mind if I join you? ED Alara, no. Pull up a chair, I can use an extra liver. ALARA Xelayans don't have livers. I'll have a d- BARTENDER Double Xalayan tequila. Here you go. ALARA Oh, boy. Am I that much of a lush? BARTENDER ALARA If you want to be alone, I could take off. ED No, no, you're all good. ALARA It's just, um, I see you in here a lot lately, you know? After hours. ED Oh, my God, don't tell me the crew's talking. ALARA No, no. Nothing like that, it's just. Look. I know it's none of my business, but if you ever need an ear, I've got two big pointy ones. ED Well, that's nice of you, but there's nothing I can tell you the whole crew doesn't already know. ALARA Believe me, I get it. I'm used to people talking about my love life. ED You know, there are times when I feel like you and I are more alike than any two people on the ship. ALARA How so? ED Well, we both know we're good at our jobs. And yet we also seem to be the only two people who are haunted by this little voice that's always whispering that we don't really deserve to be here. And we're both alcoholics. BARTENDER Head's up, it's a party. ED Hi, Bortus. Pull up a chair. BORTUS I do not wish to imbibe, sir. I am here to request that we alter course. ED Alter course? To where? BORTUS Moclus. ED Whoa, whoa, whoa. Back up. This is-This is not another baby thing, is it? BORTUS No. Sir, you are aware that Moclans urinate only once per year. ED I am, yeah. BORTUS It is my time. BARTENDER Well, you wanted something to do. ED Okay. Now, I know this is gonna sound utterly insane to most of you and your first instinct may be to laugh, but we're all going to take this seriously. So, I don't want to hear any jokes, no snide remarks, nothing. Now Kelly? KELLY We're diverting course to Moclus. To watch Bortus pee. JOHN You want to, you want to elaborate on that? BORTUS I am sorry to be late, captain. ED No, Bortus, actually you're just in time. I think it's best if you explain the ceremony to the group. BORTUS Yes, sir. Once a year, every Moclan must prepare for his Ja'Loja, "the great release." They must travel to their N’kafas, a place they select during childhood. There, amidst family and friends, a Moclan urinates, signifying a cleansing of the spirit and the beginning of a new year in his life. As you are my closest friends, I would like you to be there. GORDON What if it's, like, a windy day? BORTUS The ceremony is followed by a celebration. For which, the captain has allowed the use of The Orville's mess hall. You are all invited to attend with a mate. KELLY Okay. Any questions? JOHN Yeah, like, a million, but I'm not gonna ask. ED Union Central has granted clearance for the diversion as the course aligns with Outpost 58, where, as you all know, we're scheduled to take on board our new dark matter cartographer. And Bortus, if you need any time off to make preparations, feel free to relieve yourself. GORDON Nah, it's-it's okay, man. He's just taking the piss out of you. JOHN ED Okay, that's it. Dismissed. We're done, we're done. ED Come in. Hey. KELLY Hey. Listen, I know we haven't talked much lately, but I want to have a conversation with you. About us. ED You know what? Stop right there, you don't have to say it. KELLY I don't? ED No, you don't. Look, I have been drowning in late-night bourbons and I haven't been myself for a while. I should have communicated with you, and I didn't. KELLY That's totally understandable. ED But, but, let me finish. Let me finish. If you want to give this another shot, I'm in. KELLY I'm seeing someone. ED Oh, my God. I am, I am an idiot. I am a complete and total jackass. KELLY No, no, you're not. Ed, you are not an idiot- Listen to me. ED Who-Who, who is it? Who are you seeing? KELLY It's not important. ED Why, is it someone I know? KELLY It's not important. Look, you're gonna meet him, I just, I wanted you to know. ED Wh-Where? Where, where am I gonna meet him? KELLY I was I was thinking about bringing him to Bortus' Ja'Loja party, and I-I didn't want you to be caught off-guard. ED How long has this been going on? KELLY About a month. ED A month? KELLY Ed, I know what happened between us has been hard on you, and I-I don't know, I guess I just... I wanted to give you time to heal a bit. ED Wow, you-you really do not know what is going on in my head, do you? Kelly. This is not a heal up and move on kind of thing. Okay? I still love you. I haven't been able to function, I've been trying to figure out how to keep my brain busy just so I can stop thinking about- You know, I-I played backgammon with Isaac last week, Kelly. Backgammon. That is a low point for a man. KELLY You're trying to tell me you still don't understand why this doesn't work? ED Do you still love me? KELLY Let me pitch a hypothetical, here. We're orbiting a planet, and you have to assemble a landing party for a mission that's essential to save lives, but guaranteed to be fatal to the team. Whoever goes down there dies. Bortus and I are equally qualified to lead the mission. Which one do you send? ED What are the specifics of this scenario? KELLY Doesn't matter. Who do you pick? ED What's the required skillset? KELLY We both qualify. ED See, I would have to have more information. KELLY You can't answer, and that's the point. You shouldn't have to. ED Come on, any two officers, that would be a tough call. KELLY You're trying to tell me you would send the woman you love? Really? And, in that scenario, just think about how that devalues Bortus’s life. ED How do I know what I would do in that situation? Who would? KELLY I don't want either of us to ever have to make that choice. Ed, timing is everything. ED Oh, come on. That's a cliché and it's a bunch of crap. KELLY No, it's not. ED It is. People love saying that, but it blows free will out the airlock. If two people care about each other, the choice to love should transcend timing, and anything less is cowardice. KELLY I'm going to go check in with Outpost 58. TYLER My God. This ship is amazing. ALARA Your file said this is your first posting on an exploratory vessel? TYLER First time, yep. Can't wait. ALARA Well, it's a great crew. You're gonna like it here. And this is our captain. Sir, this is Lieutenant Tyler, our new dark matter cartographer. ED Oh, hey, pleasure to have you on board. TYLER Oh, please. The pleasure's mine, sir. I've been posted mostly on science vessels and outposts, so I am really excited to be here. ED An explorer at heart, huh? ALARA Hmm. TYLER Since I was a kid. You've no idea. Visiting uncharted planets and meeting new species? This is a dream come true. Uh, can I ask our course heading? ED We're on our way to watch our Second Officer go to the bathroom. Anyway, welcome. ALARA ALARA Our First Officer, Commander Grayson. TYLER Lieutenant Janel Tyler reporting for duty, sir. KELLY Commander Kelly Grayson. Welcome aboard. TYLER If you don't mind, I'd like to familiarize myself with your navigational array. KELLY It's all yours. TYLER Thanks. GORDON Hi. Gordon Malloy. Welcome to The Orville. TYLER Thank you. I was just telling your security chief how excited I am to be here. GORDON That's awesome. Awesome. Yeah, it's It's pretty great. TYLER I bet. GORDON Yeah. I, I, I love it here. Like, I know for a lot of people, work is “work.” You know? But for me, coming. Coming in here every day is like. That's not work. You know? I'm al-I'm always like, really? This is my job? How did I win at life? But I did. I won. Yeah. I mean. Look, if I'm, if I'm not playing my guitar, this is where I want to be. Right here. TYLER You play the guitar? GORDON Hmm? TYLER I-I said, you play the guitar? GORDON I do. I do, yeah. Yeah, I th-I think it's important for a man to know how to play an instrument. You know? Yeah. If these fingers could talk. ISAAC Now, you try. Very good, Ty. You a have been practicing. TY Yeah. Mom makes me practice a half hour everyday. How long did it take you to learn piano? ISAAC Approximately one millionth of a nanosecond. TY Wow. CLAIRE Hey, there. How's my little Mozart doing? ISAAC His technique is improving, doctor. I believe he is ready to begin exploring more challenging pieces. CLAIRE Looking good there, big guy. TY Isaac said I'm very adequate for a human. CLAIRE Oh, yeah? Well, go get cleaned up for dinner. MARCUS Hey, Mom. Can James and I go to the simulator? CLAIRE I assume this is James? MARCUS Yeah. CLAIRE Hello, James. I'm Marcus' Mom. JAMES Hey. CLAIRE Dinner's in half an hour. You finish your homework? MARCUS Yeah. CLAIRE Okay, let's see it. MARCUS I don't have it on me. CLAIRE Then where is it? MARCUS I did it at school. CLAIRE Then go get it and maybe you can go to the simulator. JAMES Bro, is your mom always such a pain in the ass? CLAIRE James, do I know your parents? JAMES I don't know. CLAIRE Well, I'm sure they want you home for dinner, too. So I suggest you scoot your own ass on out of here. Now. JAMES Later, man. MARCUS No. Mom, what the hell's your problem? That was my friend. CLAIRE A, you watch your mouth. And B, that's not the kind of friend I want you hanging around with. MARCUS Well, everybody at school likes him. And you don't even know him, so how can you talk? CLAIRE You really want to be friends with someone who calls your mother a pain in the ass? MARCUS I'll be in my room. CLAIRE Nobody told me it would be this bad. ISAAC Is there a reason your son has become uncharacteristically combative? CLAIRE Isaac, I have no idea. I never raised a teenager before, and I don't have a clue as to how to get to him. It's like he hates me for no reason. ISAAC Have you examined him for unidentified viruses or neurological disease? CLAIRE No, of course not. ISAAC If he is carrying a biological foreign agent that could infect the rest of the crew- CLAIRE No, Isaac. He's-He's not sick, he's just growing up and I can't stop it. ISAAC Are there not chemical compounds that could effectively stunt his physical development? CLAIRE My gosh, what's the matter with you? ISAAC I am merely trying to assist. CLAIRE Okay, well then, just play something sweet and jazzy. MARCUS We shouldn't be doing this. JAMES Shut up. I'm almost there. MARCUS What if somebody comes in? JAMES These are empty corridors, chill. BOY My mom is gonna kill me if she finds out. JAMES I'm gonna kill you if you don't shut up. Ah! Yes! One bottle of vodka. Come on, let's go. GORDON I'm not asking for a complete security manifest, I'm just curious what you know about her. ALARA I don't know anything. I met her yesterday, just like you. GORDON Yeah, but, you have to clear all incoming personnel, so you see all the files. BORTUS May I join you? GORDON Sure, have a seat. Okay. Did she say anything that had the word "boyfriend" in it? ALARA No! She literally just talked about how excited she was to be on The Orville. That's it. BORTUS What is the problem? ALARA Gordon has a crush on the new cartographer. GORDON I don't have a crush, for God's sakes. I’m. ALARA GORDON Just want to know what her deal is. You know? And I thought maybe I would see if she wanted to go to Bortus' Ja'Loja party. ALARA Well, then ask her. GORDON Well, how do you think I should do that? Hey, I'm Gordon, you like pee? ALARA Please. I am the last person you should be asking for dating advice. You know what kind of luck I've had on this ship. Maybe you should ask John. This is more his department. GORDON John. I need to talk to you. JOHN Yeah, what's up? GORDON It's sort of private. JOHN Okay, so what is it? GORDON I need your guidance. You know the new cartographer, Janel? JOHN I sure do, how could you miss her? GORDON Well, I want to ask her to be my date to Bortus's Ja'Loja, but I have, like, zero game. And I know you're kind of like the girl guru on the ship, so I figured you could help me. JOHN Oh, you must've heard about the Keribex. GORDON The what? JOHN It's why everybody thinks I'm the guru. You ever met a Keribex? GORDON No. JOHN It's an alien with two heads. I dated one for about two months last year and here's the thing I dated both heads at the same time and neither of them found out about the other one. GORDON Wow. JOHN Yeah, it'd still be going on, but the left head always wanted to go hiking and that-that's just sort of a deal breaker for me. GORDON Well, Janel only has one head. JOHN Yeah, I can help you. CASSIUS Now, the star itself has a number of planets and moons in its orbit, but which one of them caused a dispute that led to the battle of Terra Zed? Anyone? James, which planet? JAMES I don't know. CASSIUS It was in your reading last night, did you do your homework? JAMES Yeah, but Commander Bortus ate it, so. KIDS CASSIUS Marcus. Maybe you'd like to answer that question. MARCUS I don't know either. CASSIUS Did Bortus eat your homework, too? Well, the Moclan digestive system is indeed fascinating. So, for tomorrow, James, Marcus, each of you can write a 1,000 word essay on its internal mechanisms and how they function. Class dismissed. Hey. KELLY Hi. CASSIUS How're you doing? KELLY Hmm. Better than you, apparently. Man, those kids are rough. CASSIUS Yeah, I've seen a lot worse. You know, I expect it from James, but I'm a little concerned Marcus is getting caught up in it. He's a good kid. KELLY Well, he has a great mom, and a really great teacher. CASSIUS Hmm. KELLY So I'm not too worried. CASSIUS We still doing dinner tonight? KELLY You bet. And there's something I want to ask you. CASSIUS What? KELLY I'll tell you at dinner. CASSIUS Oh, no, no. Come on, you can't do that. KELLY It'll keep you in suspense. CASSIUS Just tell me. KELLY If you're charming enough tonight. CASSIUS I'm always charming. KELLY Good. Then you'll get to hear it. CASSIUS ED Lieutenant, I'm gonna take a shuttle out, I'll be back in a little bit. LIEUTENANT Okay, sir. Do you want me to assign a co-pilot? ED Uh, no. I'm just gonna go for a drive. LIEUTENANT Yes, sir. ALARA Commander, I have the status report on the weapons upgrade. BORTUS Thank you, Lieutenant. And Lieutenant. ALARA Yeah? BORTUS I could not help overhearing you discuss your complaint in the mess hall. ALARA Complaint? BORTUS I am led to understand that you are a failure in the practice of mating. ALARA Well, I don't think I'd put it exactly like that, but, yeah. Things could be better. BORTUS There is a young officer under my command who, I have noticed also has no mate. If you wish, I will order him to mate with you. ALARA Wow. That is the sweetest and most totally wrong thing anyone has ever said to me. BORTUS I have no reason to doubt his seed is fertile. ALARA Okay. Let's just slow down. Bortus, are you trying to fix me up on a date? BORTUS It is bad luck to attend a Ja'Loja unaccompanied. ALARA Well, we wouldn't want to invite any bad luck, would we? BORTUS Then you will accept him? ALARA Well, don't order him to do anything. But if you want to let him know that I'm up for meeting him, sure. Only because I am totally and completely fascinated by what's happening here right now. Who would've thought you were a yenta? BORTUS A what? ALARA Ask Kelly. CASSIUS Okay. Out with it. No more suspense. KELLY Mmm. Okay. Well, I think I would like it a lot if you came with me to Bortus' Ja'Loja. CASSIUS Really? KELLY Yeah. CASSIUS That's going public. KELLY It's going public, yes. CASSIUS Well, what about Ed? KELLY I told him I'm seeing someone. CASSIUS Does he know that it's me? KELLY No, but he knows I'm gonna have a date to the party. CASSIUS Guys are weird, Kel. The first time you see your ex with another man, it can be pretty debilitating. KELLY Well, he's gonna have to get used to it eventually. And yes, Ed can be an intense guy. CASSIUS KELLY But he also, at the end of the day, is very capable of adapting to new situations. I mean, he may balk at first, but he's going to want to at least appear to be classy about it. CASSIUS All right. You got yourself a date. KELLY Yeah? CASSIUS Yeah. ED Oh, no way. CASSIUS What's wrong? KELLY What do you say we take that bottle of wine to the simulator? Fire up a little moonlight on the beach? CASSIUS Sounds good to me. KELLY Let's go. MARCUS Oh, man. MARCUS What's the big deal? It was just a little vodka. CLAIRE First of all, I will ask the questions and you will answer the questions. Do you understand? Do you understand? MARCUS Yes. CLAIRE And second of all, it is a very big deal. Not just because you drank, but because you-- Ty. Go back to your room. TY But I want to watch Marcus get yelled at. CLAIRE Now, Ty. TY Aw. CLAIRE You hacked a food synthesizer, you're in a lot of trouble. MARCUS James is the one who hacked it. I didn't even touch it. CLAIRE Oh? Your new best friend, James? That James? Well, you're not gonna be hanging out with him any more, I can tell you that. MARCUS Oh, come on, Mom! CLAIRE Marcus, if anything else that does not reek of contrition comes out of that mouth, you will be grounded for the rest of your life. You understand? Look. All I want to know is where this is coming from. You haven't been yourself at all lately. And you're acting like you hate the universe. Now I'm pissed as hell at you, but I love you. I- I just want you to talk to me. All right. Go to your room. I'm starting to think that I suck at this parenting thing. ISAAC I must agree with that assessment. CLAIRE Well, what would you have done? ISAAC My anthropological studies have revealed many different methods of discipline employed throughout human history. Perhaps compulsory consumption of further quantities of alcohol would diminish his desire for the substance. CLAIRE Pour booze down his throat until he can't handle anymore? ISAAC Precisely. CLAIRE Yeah, that's called murder, Isaac. That's not gonna work. ISAAC I see. I thank you for allowing me to observe this conflict, doctor. It has been most illuminating. CLAIRE Well, always here to entertain. JOHN Yeah. Yup. Yeah, yeah. I like that. That's good. Yeah, you look like the guy who's on the list 'cause you know the DJ. GORDON Does it work? JOHN It does, yeah. GORDON Feels like too many zippers. JOHN Oh, no, no. Always go with one more zipper than you're comfortable with. GORDON Oh. JOHN You know what it says? GORDON What? JOHN Boom. GORDON Really? JOHN Yeah. GORDON Cool. JOHN And that's where you want to start. You want to walk in with boom. GORDON Boom. JOHN Yeah, yeah, not like that but yeah. GORDON Right. JOHN Just let the threads do the work. Yeah, you're just a passenger kicking back along for the ride. GORDON Just a guy riding a jacket. JOHN Feel good? GORDON Yeah, I do. I do. I'm still nervous, but yeah. JOHN Why are you nervous? You're a good-looking dude, you're funny. Just be yourself. GORDON I've just, you know, I've-I've only ever been with women who liked me. You know? Never the other way around. I mean, I'd ask girls out and get rejected, but if she made the first move? We'd end up dating. JOHN Ah, I get it. GORDON This is a perfect example. When I lived on Earth, I actually once had a stalker. JOHN No way. GORDON Yeah. This girl from work, she used to hang around outside my house and it got really weird. And one night, she broke in, I told her I was going to have to call Union Security. But we ended up talking, turned out we actually had a lot in common. Ended up seeing each other for five months and then she dumped me. JOHN What? GORDON Said I was too clingy. JOHN You got dumped by your own stalker? GORDON That's nuts, huh? You think I should call her? JOHN Yeah, I think we need, like, one more zipper. DANN Hey. ALARA Hey. Can I help you? DANN I'm Dann. ALARA I know. DANN You're Alara. ALARA Right again. Wait. Did- Did-did Bortus send you? DANN Yeah. Can I sit down? ALARA Oh, my God. DANN He thinks we'd be a good match. ALARA I don't believe it. DANN I wonder what kinds of things we have in common. ALARA Um. Well, uh, we obviously both know Bortus. DANN Well, there's one. ALARA DANN So, uh. Want to get a drink some time? ALARA Look. Dann, I'll be honest with you. I'm not so great at the whole dating thing and I don't think we're as good of a match as Bortus thinks we are. DANN Well, I guess you never know until you try. ALARA Yeah, but I-I. DANN It's my big ol' stupid dumb head, isn't it? ALARA No, no. It has nothing to do with that. It's DANN You don't have to be nice. My species has a hard time meeting people outside our home planet. We're just not super appealing, I guess. But sometimes a person can be special on the inside. And if you don't look under the surface, you could miss something great. ALARA And possibly be single the rest of your life. DANN Or at least for Bortus' Ja'Loja. ALARA Okay. All right, you know? What the hell. Let's do drinks. DANN Sweetness. ED Come in. Hey. KELLY Did you take a shuttle out last night? ED Uh. No. KELLY The shuttle bay log says you did. ED Oh. Gordon. KELLY What about Gordon? ED We- We have this running bit that we do where we put each other's names in the shuttle log when we didn't actually take a shuttle out. And then when the other one finds out, it's just like, oh, my God! Embarrassing! I didn't take that shuttle! Ah! It's, it's- it’s that. KELLY You did a drive by. ED Huh? KELLY Don't deny it, I saw you. ED I did not do a drive by, that's insane. KELLY Your name is in the log and you did a drive by. ED I had to get some air. KELLY We're in space. Did you see what you needed to see? ED Cassius, really? KELLY Oh, my God, I knew it. ED Is it, oh, is it Cassius or is it "Cass-ee-us?" KELLY It's Cassius. ED Ca- Okay, so you're dating "Cass-ee-us." KELLY Yes, yes I am. ED Okay. KELLY Go ahead, say it. ED Say what? KELLY Whatever snarky jab you're about to make. ED I saw him in the mess hall using both hands to sip his tea. KELLY Okay, here's what's gonna have to happen. We're all living and working on the same ship together, so you're going to have to somehow find a way to make peace with this. Because if what happened last night ever happens again, I'm going to request a transfer. ED Gosh, you know, I'm really impressed that you can adjust your feelings like a knob on a radio. But I can't do that. KELLY You think moving on was any easier for me than it was for you? ED Apparently, since you're the one dating the two-hand tea man. KELLY We've been over this, we cannot be together. ED I still love you, okay? Do you still love me? KELLY It's not that simple. ED Yes, it is- Kelly, it is that simple. If two people love each other, it is exactly that simple. KELLY A captain and his first officer cannot be in a relationship together. For God's sake, Ed, you know that. ED Do you love me? KELLY How I feel is not the issue. ED Okay, then. Have fun with Cass-ee-us. KELLY You know, if you got to know him, believe it or not, I I think you'd actually like him. ED I doubt it. I have a bunch of work I have to do, so. CLAIRE Come in. Hi. Can I help you? JODY Hi, Dr. Finn. I'm Jody Duncan, this is my husband, Nathan. We're James' parents. CLAIRE Oh, nice to meet you. JODY Well, I wish it were under more ideal circumstances. We wanted to talk to you about what happened with the alcohol. CLAIRE Yeah, I know. This is uncomfortable for all of us, but I just think, given the circumstances, that it's best if Marcus doesn't spend time with James right now. NATHAN Well, of course we agree with you, but um, we feel it's more serious than that. CLAIRE Well, h-he is your son. But if you're here asking for my professional advice, I think maybe talking- NATHAN No, this isn't about our son. This is about Marcus. CLAIRE What about Marcus? JODY Marcus was the one who hacked the synthesizer, you do know that, right? CLAIRE No, I don't. JODY Oh. It was his idea to steal the vodka. Now, James shouldn't have gone along with it and we will be punishing him, but we just don't think Marcus is someone James should be spending time with right now. All due respect to you. NATHAN We're gonna request that Marcus be transferred from the class, we just wanted to let you know first, out of courtesy. CLAIRE Are you on drugs? NATHAN Excuse me? CLAIRE James was the ringleader, not Marcus. JODY That's ridiculous. James told us what happened. CLAIRE Yeah, well, Marcus tells a different story. JODY Our son doesn't lie. CLAIRE How well do you know your son? NATHAN What does that mean? CLAIRE He called me a pain in the ass the other day. JODY That is insane. There's no way James would say that. Now, he is a very independent, strong-minded young man, but he is always respectful. CLAIRE Respectful, my butt. JODY Dr. Finn- I have great admiration for you. Being a single mother is challenging and I am sure that it's easy to make mistakes. Regardless, we will be scheduling a parent-teacher conference, you are more than welcome to join. CLAIRE Count on it. KELLY Are you kidding me? CASSIUS What? KELLY What do you mean, what? “We've all been there?” That's your response? CASSIUS I don't know, haven't you ever done a drive by? KELLY No, have you? CASSIUS Well- I might've, once or twice. KELLY Oh, my God. Every man in the galaxy is a psychopath. CASSIUS Look, he's hurt. It sucks, we all can relate to it. He acted irrationally, but I think it's okay for us to be understanding. KELLY Do you always have to do that? CASSIUS Do what? KELLY Be so evolved? CASSIUS I just don't understand why you're upset with me. KELLY Honestly? Because your "high road" attitude is making me feel like I'm overreacting when I know for a fact that I am right. CASSIUS Do you want me to be jealous? KELLY No! I mean- I don't know. Yeah. Yes, maybe a little. CASSIUS I don't see how that's productive. KELLY Cassius. This is not your classroom. I am your girlfriend and right now I'm feeling completely disconnected from you. CASSIUS I am not going to be angry with Ed if I don't feel it. Look, if you just calm down a little, there is no reason- KELLY Oh, man. CASSIUS What? KELLY Never mind. JOHN Program Lamar, three-five, nine-four. CLUBGOERS JOHN Okay, here we go. Begin simulation. Be yourself, go over there, and ask her out. GORDON Hi, there. WOMAN Hi. GORDON I'm Gordon. What's your name? DANIELLE Danielle. GORDON Hi, Danielle. I'm Gordon. DANIELLE Want to go back to my place? JOHN Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. Hold. Uh, what's the difficulty level? COMPUTER Difficulty level, one. JOHN Oh, there's the problem. Reset difficulty level to eight. COMPUTER Resetting. JOHN Okay, go. GORDON Hey, there. SIMULATION Ugh, God. Not another one. GORDON My name's Gordon. Mind if I sit down? SIMULATION Listen, guy, I have been hit on by four different dudes from four different species tonight. One of them had his organs on the outside. My boyfriend just dumped me and all I want to do is drink alone. GORDON Well then, why'd you come out? SIMULATION I like the noise. GORDON Well, if you just want to talk and- SIMULATION I don't. GORDON Okay, this is level eight? What's level nine? JOHN Level nine, she's still dating the guy. GORDON And level ten? JOHN She's married and has a gun. GORDON So what do I do? JOHN Just be creative, be charming. Just figure it out. SIMULATION GORDON I have six months left to live and all I want to do is get to know you before I die. SIMULATION Are you serious? GORDON Yeah. SIMULATION You're dying. GORDON So totally dying, it's ridiculous. Nobody's dying more than me. It's probably my last night out ever 'cause I'm dying. SIMULATION Well, I guess I'd be a jerk if I didn't at least let you get me a drink. JOHN Boom, there it is. Hold simulation. GORDON I can't tell Janelle I'm dying. JOHN That's not the point. The point is, you're thinking on your feet, you're improvising. That's what it's all about. GORDON Okay. JOHN I think you're ready. ISAAC Hello, doctor. CLAIRE Isaac, do you think I'm a bad parent? ISAAC Yes. CLAIRE Well, a computer doesn't lie. ISAAC You appear displeased. CLAIRE James' parents are accusing Marcus of hacking the food synthesizer and I have to ask myself, is it possible they're right? Did I go wrong somewhere along the line with my son? Parenting is always guesswork, but have I made too many bad guesses? ISAAC What do you intend to do? CLAIRE They want a parent-teacher meeting to decide the issue. ISAAC I would be most interested in observing such a ritual. May I accompany you? CLAIRE You'd come with me? ISAAC Yes. CLAIRE Well, then it won't be two against one. ISAAC Two against one? Do you anticipate hand-to-hand combat? CLAIRE Hmm. Possibly. MOOSKA Hey, there, Lieutenant. I hope you're not getting stood up. ALARA No, I'm actually just early. MOOSKA Would you like me to get you a little booze or something while you're waiting? ALARA It's okay. Thanks, Mooska. MOOSKA You got it. DANN Hey, hey. ALARA Hey, hey, there. How's it going? DANN Amazing. Got a massage today. Feel like a noodle. ALARA Cool. DANN Listen, I I felt like we really connected when we met, and uh, I, uh, Well, a little more nervous than I thought. ALARA What is it? DANN I wrote a poem. ALARA A poem. DANN I write poetry as a hobby, and I felt inspired. Okay, you ready? Yearning. Passion. Search. Who will feed the coals of joy In the stove of emotion? My fingers ache to penetrate the hearth- ALARA DANN Love is the fish hook that hooks the fish. What do you think? ALARA It's really good. DANN Be brutally honest. I need absolute honesty or I can't grow as an artist. ALARA No, it's- It's great. DANN You won't offend me. Just tell me the truth. ALARA W-Well, um. It's maybe a little surface-y? DANN Oh. ALARA Like, i-it doesn't ask anything of the listener. The imagery's a little obvious, so there's nothing to unearth and there's no room for subjective interpretation. DANN Okay. Boy, got a little chilly in here all of a sudden, didn't it? ALARA You said to be honest. DANN Yeah, well I didn't say take a dump all over my spirit. I didn't say that. ALARA I'm just- I'm gonna go to the bathroom. DANN ALARA CASSIUS Come in. Captain, hi. ED No, no. You don't have to get up. CASSIUS No, no. It's fine. Can I get you a drink? ED Yeah, actually, a drink would be good. CASSIUS So, what can I do for you? ED Well, I owe you an apology. CASSIUS Apology? For what? ED That's, nice of you to say, but I think we both know what. Listen, Cass-ee-us- CASSIUS Cassius. ED Damn. Yeah. Um. Look, this is a small ship, and it's just gonna take me a minute to adjust to this new reality. CASSIUS Well, trust me, your learning curve is nothing compared to mine. ED What do you mean? CASSIUS Kelly and I had a fight, she walked out on me, and I am so sorry, this is probably the last thing that you want to hear. ED Well, nobody fights better than Kelly, huh? CASSIUS I've just- I've been independent for so long that I think the way I think and I sometimes forget that another person's involved. ED Were you ever married? CASSIUS Yeah. Yeah, I was an aspiring palaeontologist. I wanted to be the one to discover the next unclassified species. Make a name for myself. And my work drove me to succeed, but it also drove a stake right through my marriage. ED My God, she definitely has a type, doesn't she? CASSIUS Huh? ED Do you love her? CASSIUS I do. Very much. ED What, um, what was it you said that made her walk out? CASSIUS Well, I I was actually defending you and she said that I was being too evolved, and I told her to calm down, and- ED Ooh. Ooh. You didn't say "calm down"? CASSIUS I i did. ED Oh, boy. Yeah, that's um. CASSIUS Oh, well, I was just trying to see things reasonably from all sides. ED And that's great, and I appreciate that, it's just here's my theory. A woman can't really love a man unless he's part dope. Be a little stupid every day and really stupid once in a while, but just don't be perfect. CASSIUS That's not easy. ED Journey. CASSIUS What? ED She likes Journey. CASSIUS Traveling? ED No, no, the old band, Journey. You'll find them in the archives. Look, just get some Merlot, cook a dinner, put on "Open Arms." CASSIUS And what is-? ED Just do it. And, you know, I'm gonna go now and, uh, bang my head against a wall. So, good night. CASSIUS Okay. JODY All we're asking is that Marcus be placed in a different class. We want to rest easy knowing that James isn't being influenced by negative elements at school. CLAIRE Marcus wasn't the one who started this. Look, I know you think your son is this sweet little angel, but trust me, he's got you snowed. CASSIUS Okay, let's all just try to calm d- Try to be respectful of the process here. We all want to get to the bottom of this. Now, truthfully, both of your boys have shown rebellious tendencies lately. NATHAN James? CASSIUS Yes. NATHAN Well, then it must've begun when he started hanging out around Marcus. ISAAC May I ask how James is faring in his studies? JODY James gets straight A's. CASSIUS That's not completely accurate. JODY I've seen his report cards. CASSIUS Oh, I mean, he does fine but he's a a B-minus student, occasional C. Not worth being overly concerned but he definitely has more smarts than he gives his work. JODY Okay, wait. This doesn't make any sense. ISAAC May I access your class files? CASSIUS Of course. ISAAC As I suspected. His official report card shows consistent A's. JODY That's right. NATHAN Mm-hmm. ISAAC Further analysis reveals a recent alteration using external algorithms. The entry code corresponds to your comm scanner, Lieutenant. JODY Mine? ISAAC Doctor, would you describe Marcus's academic performance? CLAIRE Um, he gets B's usually. Maybe one or two A's. ISAAC That is accurate. It is reasonable to surmise that whoever hacked into the food synthesizer would also possess the resourcefulness to enter the student records database. As James's grades have been altered and Marcus's have not, one must conclude James is the guilty party. NATHAN I I can't believe it. ISAAC It would seem that your accusations were unwarranted, Nathan and Jody. I will be forced to report your son's violations to Commander Grayson. In the meantime, I would recommend you discipline your son accordingly. CLAIRE Oh, my gosh, you were amazing. I love you. ISAAC I merely inferred the most likely scenario using the available facts and my own observations of the children. CLAIRE Isaac, would you be my date to Bortus's Ja'Loja? ISAAC If you wish. CLAIRE I wish. JOHN Okay, there she is. She's all alone, so this is your chance. You can do this, all right. GORDON Yeah, okay. Here it goes. Can't do it. Thanks for the help. ED All hands, this is the Captain. We are entering orbit of Moclus. BORTUS In the sight of those who stand with me and those for whom I would sacrifice my being, I begin the release. Kalaskacha. M-Mech-gadlas fekto roschas. ? Bamval ? Ja'Loja! BORTUS I hope you enjoyed the ceremony, Commander. KELLY I did. I did very much. I can honestly say I've never seen anything quite like it. CASSIUS Hope you washed your hands. KELLY Well, I can't wait for the next one. KLYDEN We will certainly include you, Commander. Topa, come along. KELLY Hey. You're the best, you know that? CASSIUS Oh, come on. KELLY Red wine and "Open Arms." I knew I liked you, but that right there was the moment you won me over. CASSIUS What can I say? You inspire me to be creative. KELLY You, sir, are forgiven. DANN "My fingers ache to penetrate the hearth. Love is the fish hook that hooks the fish." GORDON Oh, my God. DANN What do you think? GORDON Dude. That-That is just like an emotional sucker punch. DANN Really? GORDON Yeah. Like, I-I've had a really bad week, where I've just been grappling with insecurity and self-doubt, and then here comes this lyrical compass that just instantly guides me to my special place in the universe. You should write a book. DANN Well, I was thinking I might, but now I definitely will. All right for me. GORDON Yeah. CLAIRE Isaac, I know it doesn't mean anything to you, but what you did for me and for Marcus is really special. I wish you could feel that. ISAAC That is not possible for an artificial life-form, but it was fascinating to observe. MARCUS Isaac, I owe you one. ED I tell you, you know what would be great right now? A Krill invasion. BARTENDER Well, for what it's worth, it sounds like you did the honorable thing. ED Well, if those two wind up together because of me you may have to shoot me. BARTENDER My friend, I have learned never to make predictions in matters of love. I'm usually dead wrong. ED Well, here's to being wrong. BARTENDER TYLER Hey. Is anyone sitting here? ED Uh, no.