BEGGAR CHARYBDE CIRCE DATES DIOMEDES GREECHES GREECHES_1 GREECH_1 GREECH_2 GREECH_3 NISA OWL PENELOPE PHILO POSEIDON SCYLLA TELEMACHUS TITAN ULLYSSES ULYSSES ZEPHYR PENELOPE Hummhummhuhumm. TELEMACHUS Uh! What is wrong with father? He must have forgotten us, or he'd have gotten back ages ago! PENELOPE Ulysses could never forget his family. PENELOPE In fact, right this very instant, I know he's doing everything he can to get back home. BEGGAR This is the home of the Greeches. So old and wise, the very gods come to them for advice! DIOMEDES Heh! NISA Ah! PHILO He! Haaah! Ohhh! What a collection! The wisdom of the ancients at our fingertips! ULYSSES Haha! Speaking of "ancient", where are those three old ladies we've heard so much about? PHILO Ha! Ohoho! PHILO Waa!!! Huhuhu!!! GREECH 1 Ahh! Ladies - we've got company! GREECH 2 Let me look! GREECH 3 Ahhh! NISA Eeew! Gross! GREECHES Hahahahahaha! ULYSSES I, Ulysses, and my crew, seek your assistance, that we may return to Ithaca, our island home. GREECH 1 Lost, are they? Silly mortals! What do they think we are - tour guides? GREECH 3 So what? I say we lend them a hand... GREECH 3 ...That big one is kind of cute! GREECH 2 No! In that case, lend me the eye! You don't have a clue where to look! GREECH 1 Both of you are as blind as bats, with or without that eye! GREECH 2 Ah! GREECH 2 No! Give it back! GREECH 1 No NO its mine. NISA If the gods come to them for advice, they're more desperate than I thought! GREECH 2 Hey, wait a minute! ULYSSES Haha! GREECH 2 Who's got the paper? GREECHES 1 & 3 Not... I can't see a thing! I thought you had it! ULYSSES Whh hoo. Ladies, if you want it back, we're going to have to start seeing things eye to eye! GREECH 1 Oh, dear, yes! GREECH 3 Of course! GREECH 2 Anything you say! ULYSSES Hoh! So you didn't need your eye to find it, after all! ULYSSES And I can see why! There's no map here. It's a blank page. GREECH 1 Of course it's a blank page, you dunderhead! It's a magic map! You have to concentrate on your destination, and then you'll be shown the way. But beware! If you follow a different route, the correct one will disappear, forever! Now may we have our eye back? ULYSSES Just a second... Ithaca, where are you? DIOMEDES Eh! It's working! I can see the way already! ULYSSES Thank you, fair ladies! Catch! GREECH 1 It's mine! ULYSSES Thanks, old man. Running into you was an excellent stroke of luck! BEGGAR Mhm. Mhmhmm. Fare thee well! ZEPHYR Huuhhggghhhhh! Oohh! She runs towards them, followed by Ulysses, Philo and Diomedes. Ulysses waves the parchment triumphantly. NISA We've got a ma-ap, we've got a ma-ap! NISA A magic, magic, ma-ap! DATES Watch out! Haaah! OWL Huhu! ULYSSES There's no doubt about it! This time, we're going home!! GREECH 1 No! It's mi... Ahag ribbitdsf! GREECH 2 No! It's mi... Ahag ribbitdsf! GREECH 3 No! It's mi... Ahag ribbitdsf! GREECH 1 Was our performance acceptable, oh mighty one? POSEIDON Perfection, itself, my lovelies. Ulysses didn't suspect a thing! And now, all that remains... Is for Ulysses to follow this map to his doom! DATES Are those rocks on the map? ULYSSES Right where they're supposed to be! ULYSSES Further along than I thought! Nisa! Ooh, let me see! Let me see! NISA Hu! NISA Aah! NISA I'm getting bad vibes from those rocks. Please, let's go around - not through! ULYSSES Nisa, you know we can't. You heard the Greeches: If we follow a different route, the correct one will disappear! DIOMEDES What could be dangerous about that? TITAN Anyway, me like danger! PHILO Oh boy... OWL Hoo oo Hoo Hooo Hoo ooooo? NISA Where'd all this weird wind come from? DATES These cross-current's are impossible! Urgh! ZEPHYR A-a-and that rock's making a face at us ! ULYSSES If there's one thing I hate, it's a smart-aleck rock! Dates! Steer to port. Maybe the current is less on the other side. SCYLLA Howl! NISA Huh! ULYSSES On the other hand, at least the giant head was quiet. Dates, steer us back again! ZEPHYR In the name of the Gods, Titan! Didn't anyone ever teach you manners? TITAN It weren't me! ZEPHYR Look! It's the head!!! DATES Zeus preserve us! We're gonna be swallowed whole! ULYSSES We've got to get out of here! Row for your lives! Dates steer for the other rock! PHILO Oh my gosh! I've just realized where we are! It's like the old poem says: "Beware, sailors, of Charybdis and Scylla. If the one doesn't get ya, the other will kill ya!" TITAN Shut up and row!!! POSEIDON Row, row, row your boat... gently to your doom! Hehehheheehe! And now, my darling Scylla, it's your turn to play! SCYLLA Howl! ULYSSES Aah!? DIOMEDES Ahhggh gghh hhh! NISA Let go of me, you gross monstrosity! ZEPHYR Hah! It's got Nisa! ULYSSES AAAAAAAAH! ULYSSES Oh No! The map ULYSSES Aahhg! I've nearly got it! Aahhg! PHILO, Aarrgghhh! ZEPHYR Ahaha! ZEPHYR Aaaaarghhh! SCYLLA Hssshsssss. DIOMEDES Hhhuhu! E-E-Excuse me, ma'am, b-but what could you possibly want to do with s-s-simple travelers like us, trying to find our way home? SCYLLA Hmm. Possibly a "simple" seaweed marinade would be best, with just a pinch of salt. DATES Eheheheh?! NISA Eh?! SCYLLA You call that simple? I say we just munch 'em up raw! DIOMEDES Urrrgh! NISA Eheheheh?! OWL Hoo hoo TITAN Urgh! ULYSSES Huh huh hhuh huuh! PHILO Thanks, Titan. If it hadn't been for you, we'd be shrimp soup! ULYSSES Where's Zephyr?! ULYSSES He was stuck on the ship and got... Hehhu! swallowed! Boohoohoo ULYSSES Ooh! Get it together, big guy. We may have lost Zephyr, but we've got to cross the channel to rescue the others. PHILO Are you kidding? What happens if all that water comes rushing back out again? ULYSSES We move really fast, so we're on dry land before it sweeps us out to sea. TITAN Boou hoo! PHILO Looks like the remains of another ship that didn't get away. PHILO Aahhg gghhhhhh! Help! TITAN Urgh! PHILO Huh He! ULYSSES Hay! Nice look, Philo. Hehehe! SCYLLA Hugghhghgsssyuh DIOMEDES Hehe heheh! DIOMEDES Aahh! Huh huh huh! SCYLLA Time to meet your maker, old fella! SCYLLA Mmm. You're a feisty little appetizer, aren't you! SCYLLA We smell humans outside! PHILO Can we go over that plan one more time? I wanna make sure I've got everything straight. TITAN Aahhgg! ULYSSES Switch to plan B! PHILO Er, which one's Plan B? PHILO Aaah! ULYSSES Huh! Heg! SCYLLA Hasssshhhh TITAN Euh?! ULYSSES Scylla must be protected by the magic of immortality. I only wish the same were true for Philo! PHILO Ahh Ahh Ahhh! TITAN Move it!!! SCYLLA Haaa! OWL Hoo TITAN Why'd she stop? ULYSSES What? SCYLLA Haahh Hhhaahh CHARYBDE Ggrrhhh! SCYLLA Ooohhhh oooohhhh TITAN Let's keep going. ULYSSES Wait. That monster's not going anywhere. But I wonder why. OWL Hoo ooh hooo POSEIDON Hey, get away, you feather dustmop. The last thing I need are spectators. You heard me... Get lost! OWL Ho oohh ooh hhoo! TITAN Youhoo! three heads! You think you can take me? Hunh? Hunh? Come on, I dare ya! ULYSSES D-Don't push it, Titan. Philo's still in range, and if any of those three heads smell him, he's done for! PHILO If I get out of this alive, I promise I'll make a sacrifice to Apollo, Aphrodite, Athena and Zeus, every single day for the rest of my life! Huhu! PHILO It worked? Thanks, guys! I'll get started on those sacrifices first thing... tomorrow! SCYLLA TITAN ULLYSSES No, it's not. It's camouflage! The reason Scylla didn't sniff out Philo is because his human scent was masked by the delightful fragrance of pond scum! TITAN Uuugghhh hhhhhGg! ULYSSES Hmmm. This could come in handy, as well. POSEIDON Seaweed perfume and a conch shell - against a three-headed monster the size of a ship! Heheh This is one battle I'd hate to miss! DATES For the love of Aphrodite, would you HURRY UP, you heavy clo-o-o-od! DATES Ah! That's more like it! Wait a minute. How d'you do th-? Aaaaaa! DIOMEDES Ahhhh!!! SCYLLA Going somewhere, my scrumptious little snackie-poos? NISA Hold it! NISA I wouldn't do that if I were you! Those two are way past their sell-by date! Whereas I'm both fresh and delicious! DIOMEDES Auuuhhhhh! NISA Hey, go easy, girls! I'm too small for all three! You're gonna have to choose just one! SCYLLA You won't trip us up on a technicality! You're not the first to try the divide and conquer method, you know! We'll draw for it, fair and square Eanie, meanie, miney mo, Catch a taste-treat by her toe...! SCYLLA Not so fast, sunshine! SCYLLA Ruugh ghguhghughgu! NISA Tried and true works again! Let's go! SCYLLA You're just a hard-headed harpy!... Huh! You can talk, you shameless shrew!... Ooh, that hurt - not!! ULYSSES Come on, that's our cue for the rescue! PHILO What? Oh, right! We'll just scuttle between Scylla's legs, shall we? I'm sure she won't notice! TITAN She will when I pummel her three ugly heads to a pulp! Titan rushes forward but Ulysses grabs hold of his arm and holds him back. ULYSSES We can't do that either! She's immortal! No. I've got a better idea... PHILO Are you trying to get us killed?! Talk about indiscreet! SCYLLA Charybdis?! ULYSSES She came running the last time that big head opened its mouth, so I thought we might be able to call her, as well! Now, let's go! DATES Uh neehuh!Oh no! Here we go again!! ULYSSES Hooray! TITAN Friends! NISA You've saved us! Wo, seaweed city! You guys stink! PHILO Enough with the compliments! Time to go, before we end up as monster meal... two persons per head! NISA What do you mean, two per head? There are three heads and seven of us... TITAN WAhhh hhah! NISA Hang on, where's Zephyr?! TITAN Waaaahhh!!! Poor Zephyr!!! NISA Waaahhh!!! DIOMEDES She's coming back! ULYSSES This way. PHILO I knew we shouldn't dawdle! But would anyone listen? No-o-o-o! PHILO She's right behind us! And where are we running, might I ask? Straight to her dining chamber, no doubt! SCYLLA Gghhrr! ULYSSES Actually, it looks as if we're on our way to Charybdis. NISA I'll bet Scylla dug this tunnel herself. It's got her claw marks all over it. PHILO Waahh! So will we, if we're not careful!!! PHILO Aahha ahgghagh! ULYSSES Ahahahah! PHILO And what are we supposed to do now?! NISA Somebody say something! ULYSSES Spread out and follow my lead! PHILO Aagghhh! TITAN Waaoohhh! DATES I told you I didn't taste good! ULYSSES Come with me sweety! TITAN Ggahhh! NISA C-C-Can't catch me! DIOMEDES Help! PHILO Aaah!! Aaah! Aaah! SCYLLA Urgh! SCYLLA Arrgh! NISA Huh!? CIRCE Charybdis, you wretched little shepherd!.. CIRCE ...Since you find Scylla's beauty more tempting than the love of Circe, the most powerful witch in the world... I'll make sure you can contemplate my interpretation of that beauty for eternity! Ha ha ha!!! CHARYBDE Gorrrrrrrrr... SCYLLA Aawwww! NISA I-I-I've... I... I think Scylla was... ULYSSES No time for talk! ULYSSES Follow me! POSEIDON What is taking her so long?! Don't tell me she can't get her three jaws around a few measly mortals! Scylla! The god of the sea is waiting! ULYSSES Hurry up, or we'll be crushed! ULYSSES Aaahhhgggg! ULYSSES Oh no! It's a dead end! ULYSSES Aaahhhgggg! TITAN Maaaahuuhuuhhuhuhuuh! ULYSSES Way to go, Titan! DATES Actually, it's no way to go, because we ain't going nowhere. And I'm stuck in here with the stinko seaweed brigade! ULYSSES I wonder why Scylla dug this far...? NISA Probably to try and get to Charybdis! They're in lo-o-ve, but a horrible witch put a spell on them both... PHILO And where, exactly, did you get that from? CHARYBDE Aaagghhaaahh! ULYSSES Can you hear that? It sounds like Charybdis is directly below us! Scylla almost made it! TITAN We must dig! TITAN Uhh hhuhu! ULYSSES Titan, be careful with that! ULYSSES Aaaaaah!!! Uuhhhuh! PHILO At last! A lovely, relaxing bath! ULYSSES Enjoy it while you can, because once that rock starts spewing out all this, your bath is gonna turn into a sandblast! OWL Woo woo! NISA You don't know how lucky you are to have wings! ZEPHYR YouuHHooo!!! It's the ship, with a proud Zephyr at the helm! NISA HuH!? ULYSSES Zephyr! Ha Ha ! Hooo Raaayyy! NISA Hay hooo! POSEIDON Huh!, You can't rely on anyone, these days. NISA Hahahaha! You're alive!! You're alive!! TITAN Sniff, sniff, Boo-Hoo!!! DATES Oh, my sweet, darling ship! I thought I'd lost you forever! DATES The water level's rising fast! Everyone at the ready!! Prepare for high water! TITAN Heave! NISA Uugghh! POSEIDON Oh, mighty Zeus, Master of Olympus! I ask that you cancel Circe's ridiculous curse. ULYSSES We're nearly out! Get ready to row! CHARYBDE Grrrooooorrrrr? NISA Hay! It's Scylla! ULYSSES And Poseidon! POSEIDON Charybdis! Flush these rats to the center of the earth! CHARYBDE Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! DATES Ulysses! Do something!! ZEPHYR Waahh! ULYSSES Zephyr! Wrap this rope round the mast! ULYSSES Huhh! Ha! SCYLLA Hahhh hagghgh! POSEIDON How dare that annoying little human defy me! ULYSSES Pull! ULYSSES Don't do it, Ullysses! POSEIDON Oh No! SCYLLA Help! Charybdis!! Help! CHARYBDE Grrooooorrrr?..! DATES Incredible! Charybdis would never drown his beloved! And you knew that! Ulysses, you're a genius! POSEIDON Flush these disgusting creatures to the center of the earth?!!! CHARYBDE Grrroooaarrr!!!... POSEIDON I can't believe it! That great stone face defied me, Poseidon, for the love of a three-headed monster? The world is going to the dogs... But mark my words, Ulysses -- the last bow-wow will be mine! NISA I'll bet the only reason Charybdis and Scylla were so angry is because they weren't allowed to be together. But now they are. Are you upset we lost the map? ULYSSES Nah! There's no telling how many other traps it might have led us into, down the road. Besides, I know that one day, my own true love and I will be together again... Just like our two enchanted friends.