ADAMS BARKEEP BOTH CHER_SINGING CHRIS CROWD CROWLEYS DAN DAN_SINGING DEAN_WILEY DEBORAH DOLL DR_COBELL HANCOCK LORI MAN WOMAN DEBORAH Previously on Making History DAN Sometimes I use things from the future to make them like me more here. DAN My name's Jason Bourne. DAN I'm Tom Cruise. This is Magic Johnson. DAN I wrote you another song. DEBORAH Oh. DAN SINGING ? Every night in my dreams I see you, I feel you. ? CHRIS Super pathetic. DAN Ready to go to the future? DAN So, do you miss 1775? DEBORAH Not really. Picnicking with you is even better in the future. What is this called again? DAN Oh, that's spray cheese. That's inspired by cheese. DEBORAH Your neighborhood is so lovely. There isn't even a children's graveyard. DAN Oh, yeah. One of the cool things about the future is that most kids live. DEBORAH Oh, I love that. DAN Me too. BOTH Clink! DEBORAH The only thing that would make this even more perfect is if you sang me one of your songs. DAN Okay. This one's about... DEBORAH Oh! A flying crucifix! It's the end of days! DAN Babe, that's just a plane. That's an airplane. DEBORAH DAN Okay, a lot's different in 2017. Picture one. DEBORAH Car. DAN Very good. Picture two? DEBORAH Cat. We had those. DAN Great, so you'll know what they are. Picture three? DEBORAH Asian person. DAN And what do we say when we see an Asian person? DEBORAH Nothing. DAN Nothing. There is nothing... DEBORAH There's nothing about seeing an Asian that I need to comment on. It's totally normal. DAN Really good. I am really proud of you. You've been studying really hard. DEBORAH I have a great teacher. DAN All right. I have to go to work. DEBORAH I really wish I could go with you. DAN All right. Let's give it a whirl. DR COBELL Ahh, what if I was to tell you, mentee, that this is a victory sauna? Your name is being bandied around for tenure. CHRIS Wait, for real? DR COBELL Yes. CHRIS How does one theoretically seal the proverbial deal? DR COBELL You're going to be under intense scrutiny. You have to walk and talk and even hand me that water as someone who is tenure-worthy. Very good. You know, I wasn't always Dr. Theodore Anthony Cobell. I used to be Ted Tony. Then I got tenure and I murdered Ted Tony. CHRIS Message received. DR COBELL You know, come talk to me while I shower. DAN So, this is where I eat lunch. DEBORAH Dan, that woman is holding a skateboard. DAN How do you know what a skateboard is? DEBORAH Do you think I wasn't listening when you told me of all your inventions? DAN So, I call it the panini press. Basically you take any food on the planet, heat, flatten it. And it's delicious. DAN So my new invention is a mask. When you put it on people think you're a gorilla. DEBORAH DAN The next book I'm writing picks up five years after Tokyo Drift left off. Dominic finds out that Letty has been murdered. DEBORAH Was she working undercover, too? DAN You never know with these guys. They're too fast, and they're way too furious. DEBORAH I can't believe it. Your inventions are everywhere. Oh, that man is even wearing your Beats by Dan headphones! Let's go say hi. DAN Oh, no, no, no. You know what? I'm blowing up. They're telling me work is done for the day. Just got an email. DEBORAH Another wonderful creation of yours. DAN Um, let's go home. Quickly, out the side door. DEBORAH That wasn't overwhelming or scary at all. And I loved seeing all the different colors walls can be. DAN Yeah, walls can be whatever. Oh, no. There's an emergency at work. I have to go back. DEBORAH Okay. I'll miss you. DAN I'll miss you, too. DEBORAH Perhaps you can sing me one of your songs to think of while you're gone. DAN Deb, the thing about my songs... DEBORAH You're such an amazing talent. It's as if you read my private thoughts and put them to wondrous melodies. DAN Well, here are some more of your thoughts. DAN SINGING ? If I could turn back time ? ? If I could find a way ? ? I'd take back all those times that I hurt you ? ? And you'd stay. ? DAN Is that enough? No? Okay. DAN SINGING ? If I could reach the stars ? ? I'd give them all to you. ? DEBORAH Oh, Daniel. You're a genius. DAN All right. See you at 5. DEBORAH Byesies. DAN Bysies. DEBORAH Bysies. CHRIS Good afternoon, class. As Robert Oppenheimer once said, "Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds." You know what that means, huh? Pop quiz. Hey, hey, hey. If you don't have haters on this job, it means you're not doing it right. DAN Chris, I need to talk to you. I need to talk to you. CHRIS Our heater's fine. Thank you. DAN Chris. CHRIS What are you doing? Get out! DAN It's very important. CHRIS Okay, this is a classroom. They're taking a quiz. DAN Is it a hard quiz? Is he a hard professor? I bet he's hard, but he's fair. CHRIS Okay, you know what? Let's go outside. DAN If he's hard it's because he cares about you. He cares about you enough that he wants to challenge you. CHRIS Out! What could possibly justify you interrupting my class? DAN Chicks, brother. CHRIS Oh, my God. Can you please just be normal for one second? DAN Okay, so Deb and I are at this really weird stage in our relationship where I've been lying to her the whole time about everything. And I'm about to be found out. CHRIS What are you asking me? DAN Well, I guess I'm not really asking a question, per se. More trying to engage you in a dialogue. CHRIS Well, what have you been lying about? DAN I maybe told her that I invented most aspects of modern society. And pretty much every work of art. And kind of every song. CHRIS Hmm. Well, it sounds like you have two options. Option one being you tell her the truth. And she probably leaves you. DAN Pass. Can't do that. CHRIS Option two? She finds out on her own and she definitely leaves you. DAN Nah, can't do that either. Maybe I'll Truman Show her. Create a whole fake world under the guise of reality television. DEAN WILEY Chris? CHRIS Hello, Dean. DEAN WILEY Chris, I just peeked in your classroom. All their students had their phones out playing Poke Hey Man Go. CHRIS I will get back in there immediately. DEBORAH Surprise! DAN What is this? Did you hunt, farm, and woodwork a chair? DEBORAH Your song inspired me to make a loving gesture. I trapped everything myself in yon woods. DAN Deb, kids play in yon woods. DEBORAH Well, children know to be on the lookout for traps. DAN And those candles are quite lovely. What are they made out of? DEBORAH Crushed butterflies and squirrel lard. I fashioned the squirrel pelts into a cushion. And the bones into a tiny piano. DAN That is so cool. And what a way to honor that squirrel. You're amazing. DEBORAH Pitiful. Your inventions are far superior to this. DAN That's kind of why I think we should talk about my inventions. DEBORAH Let's eat before the roasted possum gets cold. Oh, I only wish I had my butter churn to make fresh butter to complete the meal. DAN You know what? We have a time machine. Let's go get it. DAN Oh, right. That's why I don't use this thing inside. DEBORAH I hope you won't think this too forward. But can we go out tonight? DAN Sure, yeah. Let's go out. DEBORAH I've waited all my life for this. In 1775 women weren't allowed in taverns. Unless, they were, of course, whores. DAN Of course. Although we should get you something to wear. I don't know what you should wear. But I do know it's not a 200-year-old housecoat covered in squirrel's butt. DEBORAH Oh, right. DAN Okay. Here's everything in my closet that could possibly considered lady clothes. I have PJ pants. My girliest sweater. My Octomom Halloween costume if you cut off the baby dolls. DOLL Momma DAN I got my Big Baby Davis jersey. You could belt it. DEBORAH I like the green. DAN Nice. Green looks good on you. DEBORAH Do you have any beet juice? DAN Girl, I got better than beet juice. DAN Don't blink. Stop blinking. DEBORAH I'm not blinking. DAN You're blinking. DEBORAH No. Go, go. Do it. DAN Do you want your eye to be smoked or not? ON-SCREEN TEXT CROWLEYS DAN So, this is a bar. WOMAN Hey, cute shoes. DEBORAH I like your front teeth. DAN Hey... DEBORAH Daniel, they have one of your televisions here. DAN So they do. Very cool. Oh, hey, Chris. Hey, look, it's Chris. You remember Chris from when we all time travelled. DEBORAH Yeah. CHRIS What are y'all doing here? DAN What am I doing here? I live a block from this place. What are you doing here? No one else from the college comes to this place. CHRIS Yeah, exactly. Trivia Night with townies? I always dominate. DEBORAH What is Trivia Night? CHRIS It's a contest of knowledge. DAN Nerds talking about dumb stuff. DEBORAH This will be a grand exchange of ideas just as I imagined. LORI What was the primary unit of time in the Mayan calendar? Yes? CHRIS Day. LORI Correct. In 1787 Levi Hutchinson invented the first… CHRIS Alarm clock. LORI Yes. CHRIS Eaten up, boy! LORI What ship was sunk bringing the US into World War I? CHRIS Lusitania. CHRIS Damn Yankees. CHRIS Trotsky. LORI Yes. DAN Oh, I know this one. Michael Jordan! LORI No. CHRIS Carbon Dioxide. DAN Eh, I was close. LORI You were right. You're always right. Riboflavin is the scientific name for what vitamin? DAN Riboflavin? Rib CHRIS Vitamin b2. DAN I'm going to get us another pitcher of beer. LORI Round two after the break. DEBORAH Chris, may I ask you something about Dan? I know he's brilliant, but why doesn't seem to know anything? CHRIS There's different kinds of smart. DEBORAH No, there aren't. LORI Okay, it's time for a pop culture round. DAN Pop culture. Right in Dan's wheelhouse. LORI Who sings this song? CHER SINGING ? If I could turn back time ? DEBORAH Finally, one I know! DAN No, Deb. No, you don't know it. DEBORAH Dan Chambers, my boyfriend. CROWD MAN Idiot, it's Cher. Who the hell is Dan Chambers? WOMAN What a dummy. CHRIS Well, at least you were honest with her. CHER SINGING ? I don't know why I said the things I said ? ? Love's like a knife, it can cut deep inside. ? DAN Deb? Deb? DAN Hey, Deb? DEBORAH I know this banana is yours, but I was really looking forward to opening it. I hope you'll have the decency to let me take it. DAN Take it where? Where are you going? Why are you wearing your travel bonnet? DEBORAH I'm moving into the woods. DAN Yon woods? DEBORAH Yes, yon woods. DAN Deb, please, listen. DEBORAH I gave up everything. My family, my sisters, because I trusted you. Have you even done one of the great things you claimed? DAN Yes, I saw all the Fast and Furiouses. I saw the seventh one seven times. DEBORAH Good-bye, Daniel. DAN No, no. Wait, look, I wanted to tell you the truth. I just, I couldn't figure out how. I turned myself into someone that I thought you would like because I didn't think you'd like the real me. No one ever has. DEBORAH I fell in love with Cher's words. Not yours. He knows me better than you do. CHRIS Hello? DR COBELL What type of man do you want to be, Chris? CHRIS Dr. Cobell? What are you doing here? DR COBELL You gave me a key. For emergencies. CHRIS What's the emergency? DR COBELL Tenure! CHRIS Okay. I'm sorry. I don't understand. DR COBELL I tell you you're going to be under intense scrutiny. I tell you, you must watch the company that you keep. And how do you respond? By traipsing about with Dan, Dan the Heating Man? CHRIS No, we only talked a couple of times. DR COBELL Well, the Dean tells me he interrupted you in quite a hallway rumpus. CHRIS That gossipy bitch. DR COBELL That gossipy bitch bandied your name for tenure. And I suggest if you want it, you fall in line. Am I clear? CHRIS Yes, Dr. Cobell. DAN Hey, dude, Deb's moved into the woods. I need you to come help me find her. CHRIS Dan, you know I like you. DAN Yeah, I love you, Chris. CHRIS Right. I'm up for tenure. Things are getting weird between me and my mentor. People are watching me. DAN Watching you? CHRIS Shhh. DAN I get what's going on. You don't want to be seen with Dan, Dan the Heating Man, Takes a Pee in a Garbage Can. CHRIS I hadn't heard that second part. DAN Well, it's part of it. And it wasn't a garbage can. It was a recycling bin. But it's okay. You're friend dumping me. CHRIS No. Tenure is my Deborah. I've wanted it since I was 18. And I am so close. DAN Yeah, you know what, Chris? Good luck. I think you're going to make a really great tenure. CHRIS That's not how it works. Dan. DAN I'm going to go see my real friends. HANCOCK Short service today, huh? Just eight hours. ADAMS I am completely full of holy fervor. DAN John Hancock! Sam Adams! ADAMS Dan, I'm shocked to see you here. You told me your religion was Phish concerts. DAN It's an emergency. I have a problem with Deborah. HANCOCK Daniel, you've come to the right place. DAN Outside of a church? ADAMS Where better to receive erotic counsel? HANCOCK From two of the world's most accomplished lovers. I have drunk deeply of Aphrodite's waters. ADAMS And I once saw an ocelot pubis. HANCOCK Hello, Reverend. DAN I just need some advice. If I lost Deb, I really, I don't know what I would do. ADAMS Oh, love, thy fair and foul demon. Why must you torture Dan so? Take me instead! HANCOCK Easy brother. Dan, what gestures have you made to win back Deborah's heart? DAN Well, I went out to the edge of woods and cried really loud hoping that she would hear me and come out. ADAMS That's lame. I'm not surprised you're losing her. DAN So what do you suggest I do? HANCOCK When I was courting my beloved, there was another competing for her affections. A suitor she preferred openly. He sent her a carriage filled with a thousand roses. DAN What'd you do? HANCOCK I drowned him in a distant well and told no one. DAN Okay. Well, I don't think she has another suitor. So I wouldn't even know who to drown. ADAMS The point is get creative! What does she like? DAN Well, actually, she likes these little songs I've been singing her. ADAMS Then you must become the greatest singer she has ever known. Give her the performance of a lifetime. DAN The performance of a lifetime. I think I know exactly what to do. See, I've talked to… HANCOCK No, no, no. Don't say it out loud. Part of the magic is never checking it with anyone. DAN You're right. I'm going to do it, and not check it with anybody. HANCOCK Hey, we're doing great too. ADAMS Yeah, our revolution's coming along. HANCOCK Toxic narcissist. DAN Clear eyes, full hearts. I'm Cher. DAN Deb? Deb? Deb? I have a treat for you. Deborah? Debra where are you? Deb-- Oh, Deb! Deb?! Anyone!? The police!? Mom?! BARKEEP I'll be right with you. CHRIS Deb? Deb? Hi, what are you doing? DEBORAH Guys, right? CHRIS Is this about Dan? DEBORAH How did you guess? CHRIS Because Dan is literally the only person you know. DEBORAH He was. When I uncovered his lies, I went into yon woods to reflect. And then I went back to reconcile. And he was gone. He never came back. I think he left me. CHRIS No, no, no. I just saw Dan yesterday and was going into the woods to find you. DEBORAH He could be lost in there! CHRIS Maybe. DEBORAH We have to go find him! CHRIS Deb, I don't think I should be involved, you know. This is like a complicated situation for me. DEBORAH He went back to 1775 to find you. CHRIS Yeah, but when we went back in time I barely knew Dan. And now he'll be costing me my chance at my dream job. DEBORAH So this is about money. CHRIS And status. DEBORAH I'm shocked you find those things more important than friendship. CHRIS Look, I like Dan, you know? I really do. DEBORAH Well, he idolizes you. When we're together you're all he talks about. CHRIS No, all he talks about is you. Fine. Let me cancel this Tinder date I'm on. Beth?! Nope. I'm out. DEBORAH Daniel! CHRIS Dan! DEBORAH Daniel Chambers! DEBORAH Daniel! Daniel! DAN Hey! DAN I'm down here! DEBORAH He must have fallen in one of my traps. DAN Over here! DEBORAH Daniel. Oh, I'm sorry ma'am. DAN No. No, no. It's me. It's Dan. Hi, Deb. DEBORAH Why are you dressed like that? DAN I'm Cher. CHRIS Oh, my God. DAN Cher sang "If I Could Turn Back Time." But I did turn back time. For you. CHRIS This is so gross. DAN Can you shut up for a second? 'Cause I'm kind of, like, working on a relationship. Thanks. So I dressed up as Cher and wrote a song for you. And I came out here and fell in this trap. I realized I made a horrible mistake. DEBORAH Because I don't even know what Cher looks like? DAN So there were a few mistakes made. I've been drinking my own breast water to survive. If you didn't teach me about pine needles as foods, I wouldn't have made it an hour. CHRIS Yes, you would have. DAN Chris, don't talk down to me because I'm a pit person. DEBORAH Let's get you out of there. I know it's hard for us to communicate. But you must love me to have done whatever confusing gesture this was. DAN Deb, I don't always know what I'm doing. But I know I'd do anything for you. CHRIS And send. DAN Chris, you're out here looking for your missing bro. I think that means that we are friends. CHRIS It means I'm glad you're not dead. DAN That's the definition of friends. CHRIS Can we leave? DAN I fell in a pit. Ate only pine needles. And I still gained four pounds. DEBORAH Maybe you gained it before the pit. DAN No, I checked before I left. I wanted to see how much I weighed as a girl. DEBORAH Well, I'm going to go to sleep. DAN Right. Yeah. DEBORAH Good night. DAN Oh, good night. Good night. DEBORAH Yes? DAN Do you still want to hear that song I wrote for you? DEBORAH Yes. DAN Good. I know we're all made up, but I worked really hard on it. DAN SINGING ? Deb, your heart is like the ocean ? ? Your eyes are like the stars ? ? That's why you got me going ? ? I like ooh, brratatata. Deb, Deb, Deb ? ? Smoking hot in that corset, Deb. ? DEBORAH I love it. DAN Thanks, don't steal it