ADAMS ALL BOTH CHRIS COLONEL_SMITH COLONIST DAN DAVEY DEBORAH HANCOCK MAN NARRATOR PAUL_REVERE NARRATOR Previously on Making History. DAN I have questions about colonial Massachusetts. It's urgent. CHRIS You have urgent questions about colonial Massachusetts. DAN It's a time machine. I go to the past every weekend, sometimes on Tuesdays. CHRIS It's real? DAN Yup. DAN Something screwed up the American Revolution. CHRIS CHRIS I'm going to give a speech that will rally a revolt. CHRIS Show me the money! CHRIS Your girlfriend is Paul Revere's daughter? And your friends with John Hancock and Sam Adams? The founding fathers? DAN Oh yeah. CHRIS You guys go back to 2016. Leave me behind. DEBORAH Chris Parish, killed at the Battle of Lexington, April 24, 1775. That's tomorrow. ADAMS I love Philadelphia. HANCOCK Oh, yes. They have the Philadelphia cheesed beef. ADAMS Oh, on a hard roll? CHRIS John Hancock. Sam Adams. ADAMS Chris. HANCOCK Show me the money. You said it, so now I'm saying it. CHRIS I have news about the British that is going to-- ADAMS Oh, God. You're obsessed. HANCOCK You're certain you want to do this again? Last time all your British stuff completely sucked the life out of the room. ADAMS You bombed up there, brother. CHRIS Listen. You must gather everyone. HANCOCK Hang on, Chris. It sounds like you're trying to say something important. CHRIS It's very important. ADAMS But you're not wearing a wig, so. HANCOCK So it doesn't feel important. Do you see our problem here, Chris? ADAMS You got no hair, man. HANCOCK You look like a baby mouse. ADAMS Imagine, a baby mouse naked, blind, pops out of his little nest made of hair and sticks and starts talking to men in a bar. CHRIS You're right. HANCOCK And yet, transpose that against a fully furred adult mouse rising up on its hind legs, waist coated and stockinged, addressing you in a mature manner. ADAMS Well, you damn well sit up and listen. CHRIS All right, everybody. Settle down. Hey, settle down please. COLONIST Decent wig. I'll hear him out. DAN Sorry we could only stay in the future for those few seconds. DEBORAH I understand. Your honor wouldn't permit you to leave Chris behind. DAN Yeah, honor. Totally. Plus, I wouldn't want to have to walk by that statue every day. Did you see the eyes on that thing? Pure nightmare fuel. DEBORAH That glimpse of the future was so overwhelming. There was Chris's statue, a building, and that miraculous, shiny paper. DAN That was a York Peppermint Patty wrapper. DEBORAH It was the most splendid thing I've ever seen. DAN Well, if you like that, wait till you see our other trash. Now let's go get Chris before he gets himself killed. CHRIS Now revolution, we've all heard that word, but what are some reasons someone might have one? Anybody? Paul Revere. PAUL REVERE When somebody's mean, like when somebody hurts somebody. CHRIS Good. Yes. Did everybody hear Paul's answer? Like if somebody hurts somebody. For instance, the British killed your daughter. PAUL REVERE What? CHRIS They killed your daughter. ALL HANCOCK Terrible way to deliver that news. ADAMS I liked it. Get to the point, get on with your day. PAUL REVERE Elizabeth's dead? CHRIS Not Elizabeth, Deborah. PAUL REVERE Oh. Drat. CHRIS Where's your sense of pride, huh? Where's your sense of freedom? PAUL REVERE All right, fine. How about this? We shall form a committee to consider a revolution. That committee shall meet in a fortnight. HANCOCK Ooh, a fortnight's no good for me. ADAMS And I have a thing two fortnights from now. I told you all about it last fortnight, so don't get mad at me. PAUL REVERE Well, then it's settled. We shall reconvene in a year. CHRIS Guys, listen. We have to do this now, all right. We're all here and nobody looks busy. HANCOCK Don't be nasty, Chris. CHRIS I'm trying to help. The British are going to find your hidden cannons. ADAMS They know about our cannons? CHRIS Yes. They're going to take all of your weapons. PAUL REVERE They're coming for our guns? CHRIS My God, this is America. Yes. Yes. The British are coming to take your guns. PAUL REVERE I will die for my right to kill others while defending myself. HANCOCK If they take our guns, then how are we supposed to fight the people who would take our guns? ADAMS My gun! Mine! My gun! Oh, gunny, gunny, gunny. They'll never get you. PAUL REVERE The committee be damned. We shall revolt. ALL PAUL REVERE Finally, these American colonies will truly be free. ALL CHRIS Yes. DAN Chris. Chris. Chris. Chris, what's up, man? HANCOCK Paul, it's your daughter Deborah. She's alive and right there. PAUL REVERE So she is. You're a liar. ALL HANCOCK After I loaned you my favorite wig. COLONIST I have to stop trusting wigs. PAUL REVERE I thought you were dead. DEBORAH I'm happy to see you too, father. PAUL REVERE Now you can do my laundry. And the chapeau. DAN Wow. My dad was kind of a jerk, but that was the meanest thing I've ever seen. DEBORAH Forget him. Soon we'll be in the future starting our lives together, and nothing that he can say will ever change that. CHRIS What are you doing? I'm supposed to be fixing the American Revolution and you are supposed to be in the future. DAN You want to know what we're doing, pal? We're saving your life. CHRIS That's me? But how do I die? DEBORAH There's a plaque on the back that says that you were hit by two cannonballs at the same time. CHRIS Wow, so I die at the Battle of Lexington. DAN Actually, you die the day after the Battle of Lexington. You choke on a walnut. CHRIS So the British are here. The colonists are here, and we just need them to fight. DAN Easy. We tell George Washington to write a letter to the troops instructing them to... CHRIS Why are you pointing at me? DAN I'm brainstorming. Haven't you ever brainstormed before? One guy starts the idea. The other guy... CHRIS Finishes the idea? DAN Okay, yeah, so you've brainstormed before. CHRIS Dan, the most helpful thing you can do right now, stop helping. DAN What? Well, where do I fit? I have so much to offer this team. I got a ton of heart, an abundance of skill, and when the battle is going I'm a full-blown berserker. DEBORAH I've made a decision. I'm not going to wash my father's clothes. DAN Get it, girl. DEBORAH After seeing the future, the bigotry of this time is too hard to ignore. CHRIS You were there like three seconds. DAN You're being very judgey. DEBORAH After seeing that Peppermint Patricia wrapper, I knew that any society that could mix two separate flavors like mint and chocolate is more open-minded than I could ever fathom. We must start this revolution so that the women of the future can feel the freedom that I felt in those brief moments. DAN You'll feel that feeling again, my love. I promise. DEBORAH Oh, Daniel. CHRIS Guys. Guys. Guys! Hey. One thing has always been true about Americans, huh? They freak out if you try and take their guns. So, let's try and make the British take the colonists' guns. DAN Right. You just lost me. CHRIS So the colonists will freak out and start the revolution. DAN Okay, yes. I'm back on board. DEBORAH Oh, I'll ride from Boston to the outer boroughs to warn my fellow colonists. I'll wear my father's clothes so they think I'm a man and believe me. DAN I've fallen for stuff like that. CHRIS Perfect. So, you tell the colonists to defend their guns, and we'll make sure that the British are coming for them. DAN All right. See, I don't always have the idea, but a lot of times I have the idea that gets us to the idea. Great brainstorming, everyone. DEBORAH You're just so wonderful. DAN Oh, you have no idea. DAN Hey, pretty cool how I saved your life, huh? CHRIS Yeah, and I already thanked you for it like nine times. DAN Yeah, but I mean I saved your life. CHRIS Oh my God, that is so great, but maybe right now we just focus on the revolution. DAN Very cool. Very cool. Still not clear on how we're going to use the berserker in all this. CHRIS When you were a kid did your parents ever play the quiet game with you? DAN Yeah, I sucked at it. CHRIS Okay, well here's your chance to redeem yourself, buddy. When we get captured you just shut up. Shut up. DAN Chris, don't be nasty. DAVEY Hello. Will you come with us, please? COLONEL SMITH Davey, who are these men? DAVEY We found them outside the camp, sir. They say they're spies for the crown. COLONEL SMITH Hmm. Is that so? CHRIS Lieutenant Colonel Francis Smith. It is an honor to meet you. COLONEL SMITH And who exactly are you? DAN My name's Jason Bourne. The government made me the perfect killing machine, till I became the target. CHRIS Stop it. COLONEL SMITH How did you know where to find our camp? CHRIS General Gage had us undercover with the colonists, and now we're reporting to you. COLONEL SMITH General Gage? Well, nobody told me. DAN Well, that's classic Gage, isn't it? He's out of control lately. COLONEL SMITH And you have something to report? CHRIS We do. The colonists are stockpiling guns in a barn outside of Lexington. COLONEL SMITH Guns. How many guns? CHRIS Like a thousand. DAN Like a million. COLONEL SMITH Oh my God. What is there obsession with guns? CHRIS They say they're for self-defense. DAVEY All right, but if that's true then why have so many? It makes me think they intend to use them against us. COLONEL SMITH I've heard claims they're for hunting, but bows and arrows are for hunting. A musket fires a bullet a minute. It's a mass killing machine. DAVEY Perhaps between wanting a gun and purchasing a gun there could be some period of waiting. COLONEL SMITH I don't want to take their guns! But having so many makes me feel like I need to take them away! But how can I be certain you're not colonial rabble rousers? You don't speak the king's English. DAN That's because we're so deep undercover we've forgotten our accents. The only thing I do know, I'm a human weapon. DAVEY Sir, I know I'm speaking out of turn, but my gut tells me this Chris chap is on the level. COLONEL SMITH But Davey, you're a natural skeptic. DAVEY I know, sir. But I've got a good feeling about him. I'd wager my entire reputation on Chris's good word. COLONEL SMITH I've never heard Davey say that about anyone before. DAN They've made quite a connection. COLONEL SMITH Very well. Tomorrow morning we will march on Lexington, and we shall secure their guns. DAN My liege, is there any way we could march around noon so it's not super early? COLONEL SMITH It's going to be early. Super early. DEBORAH The British are coming! The British are coming and they want to take your guns! The British are coming! The British are coming and they want to take your guns! ADAMS If Paul says it, then it must be true. We will defend our guns. DEBORAH The British are coming! HANCOCK Wow, Paul lost a lot of weight. Now I feel fat. I'll be in the larder. DAVEY All right, Chris, what's your favorite bit of Chaucer? CHRIS Uh, the Miller's Tale. DAVEY Oh my God, mine too. DAN DAVEY Oh, you've read it as well? DAN I have not. DAVEY All right. CHRIS Hey Davey, thank you for backing us up in there. DAVEY Oh, no problem. I could tell you were a good bloke. That's why I didn't knock you out. But this one. DAN Try it again. Seriously, try it again while I'm looking. CHRIS Thanks. Been looking for a way to quiet him down. DAN Nice try. But my doctor told me I actually can't get any more concussions. CHRIS No, he probably meant that you shouldn't, not that it's impossible. DAVEY Tea? For my favorite spy. CHRIS But of course. DAVEY Wait, do you take your tea milk first as well? CHRIS Yeah, absolutely. It helps get the-- CHRIS Temperature right. DAVEY Temperature right. DAN What the hell is happening? DAVEY What did we just do? CHRIS It's called a high five. BOTH DAVEY I love it. CHRIS Here's to the milk first boys. DAVEY Now and forever. BOTH DAN Oh my God, a couple of dorks. DEBORAH My love, you look ill. Were you tortured? DAN Yes. They made us wake up super early. CHRIS You guys, this is incredible. The Battle of Lexington, the moment America was born. DAVEY Hmm. DAN If this is a battle, why is no one shooting? HANCOCK You'll never take our guns! COLONEL SMITH Why do you need so many guns? ADAMS Because we need to stop you from taking them! COLONEL SMITH We weren't planning on taking them until you had too many! HANCOCK Then we were correct to have them! DAVEY Gentlemen, stop. There's got to be a reasonable solution to this. Perhaps gun regulation could be some sort of compromise. HANCOCK He is wearing an excellent wig. CHRIS Come on, Davey. Let history happen. DEBORAH Who is Davey? DAN The guy that's tearing Chris and I apart. DAVEY For instance, if a person is daffy in the head, maybe they shouldn't be allowed to procure a gun. ADAMS I don't want to have this conversation in front of the guns! HANCOCK Yes. Let's adjourn somewhere away from the guns. CHRIS I know what I have to do. I have to fire the shot heard round the world. DAN Well, let me do it. CHRIS What? DAN I want to do it. CHRIS Stop. You don't deserve this. DAN I haven't done anything yet. I'm kind of bored. CHRIS You're being an infant, man. DAN I'm not. I haven't gotten to do anything. CHRIS Stop. COLONEL SMITH They're firing their guns! HANCOCK They're trying to take our guns with their guns! ADAMS Three, two, one, fire! BOTH I did it. CHRIS No, I did it. DAN No, I did it. CHRIS No, are you kidding me? I did it. DAN Clearly, I did it. I fired a musket. CHRIS I just changed history. DAN Deborah, you were here. Who shot it? DEBORAH Chris. COLONEL SMITH Present! Fire! COLONEL SMITH Fire! ADAMS Fire! HANCOCK Fire! DAN Okay, the revolution started. America's been born. Now feels like as good a time as any to bail. CHRIS Hold on, this isn't right. The British are winning. COLONEL SMITH Fire! DEBORAH So I led my people hear to die. DAN No, absolutely not. This is Chris's fault, a hundred percent. DEBORAH No. DAN Their lives are on his head. DEBORAH I have to help them or die trying. DAN Wait, wait, Deb. I have an idea. CHRIS You do? DAN Yeah. So in that barn are the weapons, right? Explosives and guns? CHRIS Yeah. DAN Okay, so it's like a video game. We just have to lure the British into that barn. CHRIS And then blow them up! DAN Yes, that's brainstorming! We're brainstorming! CHRIS Wait, wait. There's a cannon buried nearby. This could work. But we have to get the colonists to retreat from the barn. DEBORAH Retreat? They'll never do it. These are Bostonians. They're loud, pig headed, sunburned buffoons who would rather die than lose. DAN I'm a Bostonian too, and the only thing worse than dying and losing would be not dying and then winning. And that's what I intend to never have happen to me. CHRIS He has a concussion, and I have a feeling he's had a lot of 'em. DAN Berserker! DEBORAH It hasn't hindered his brilliance one bit. DAN Timeout! Timeout! HANCOCK Look, it's Daniel! DAN Timeout! ADAMS And he's running like a coward. DAN Timeout! Retreat! ADAMS What? DAN Retreat! They're going to murder you! Retreat! COLONEL SMITH What on Earth are they doing? Are they retreating? DAVEY It appears so, sir. DAN This is a slaughter! They're going to kill you! BOTH COLONEL SMITH Is that Jason Bourne? DAVEY I believe so, sir. COLONEL SMITH Hmm. BOTH DAN Retreat! Run! Run! ADAMS For a grown man to lose all his dignity and composure screaming and begging like a child. HANCOCK The enemy must be too terrifying to contemplate! ADAMS Retreat! Retreat! Retreat, lest we all debase ourselves like Dan! Run away! COLONEL SMITH Hold your fire. CHRIS Davey. DAVEY Chris, the enemy are retreating. The day is ours. I knew I was right about you. CHRIS Look, I need you to cram as many soldiers in there as possible and secure those guns. DAVEY You got it. COLONEL SMITH All right, boys, in we go. DAVEY You heard Chris. All the way to the back. CHRIS And no matter what happens, Davey, you, you stay outside, okay? DAVEY All right. But when we're done we're going to have one of our teas, milk first buddy. Milk first forever! CHRIS Davey? DAVEY Chris? CHRIS Davey, no! No! Davey. DAN There's a chance he lived. ALL ADAMS A tremendous victory. Surely this battle will spark a great revolution. HANCOCK And if we are to form a new nation, we must guarantee unrestricted gun access for all! ALL ADAMS Paul, thank you. DEBORAH I'm not Paul. It's time you all knew that you were led into battle by a woman. HANCOCK Fie! PAUL REVERE Well, obviously, that won't do. Everyone say I did it. COLONIST Three cheers for Paul Revere, the hero of the revolution. ALL DEBORAH That's not fair at all. DAN Who cares what these tools think? I know what you did. DEBORAH No, I need to stand up to him. Father, you are a liar and a tool. ALL PAUL REVERE Young lady, you are embarrassing this family with your outbursts. Now get back to the house at once for stockade time. DEBORAH No! Never! I am going to find my freedom as an independent woman. So, wash your own damn clothes. PAUL REVERE HANCOCK It's okay, Paul. It's this generation. They're just so selfish. ADAMS Young people these days have completely lost it. PAUL REVERE She said that, right? I wasn't the only one who heard. DAN That was amazing. I could never stand up to my dad like that. I'm really proud of you. DEBORAH I'm so proud of you for putting your cowardice on such public display. It's so brave. That's why I love you. You aren't afraid to show your feelings, even the ones you should be ashamed of. DAN How'd you like to be ashamed of me in the future? DEBORAH I'd love that. CHRIS Aw man, Davie. I didn't know our milk first was going to be our milk last, you know. DAN You faker. You knew him like a day. DAN Well, let's see if we saved America. Excuse me, excuse me. What do you think of the British and their culture? MAN Who cares? This is America, you bitch. DAN Yes! We did it. We're back. DEBORAH Chris, I'm sorry you lost your friend. CHRIS Yeah, it got pretty dark. But it was an experience I'll never forget, so thank you guys for bringing me along. DAN Until next time, friend. CHRIS Right. DAN Hey, Chris. CHRIS Yeah? DAN I love you. Well, we're in the future. What do you want to do? DEBORAH Cloud walking, talk to a ghost and ride a tunnel to the center of the Earth. DAN I'll do you one better. Do you know what pizza is?