ADAMS ALL ALL_EXCEPT_CHRIS BARKEEP BRITISH_SOLDIER CHRIS COLONIST DAN DAN_SINGING DEBORAH HANCOCK PAUL_REVERE STUDENT DAN Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yes! CHRIS Hi. Professor Chris Parish, History Department. DAN Yeah. I know who you are. We've met, like, ten times. CHRIS Look. My classroom is sweltering, and I've left several messages about turning down the heat. DAN I'm sorry. I'd love to help you out here, pal, but um, it's five o'clock. CHRIS It's three o'clock. DAN That clock says it's five. CHRIS You set that clock forward. It's not whatever time you say it is. DAN It kinda is. CHRIS Well, turn down the heat or I'm gonna have you fired. DAN Go ahead, pal. A lot of people have tried. Anyway, I'll see you Monday. I've got travel plans. DAN I'm a history professor. I'm gonna have you fired. Uh, do you think my classroom's a little too hot? Oh, I don't know! I have no opinion on the matter! DEBORAH I'm so glad that you're in town. I've never had that much fun at the Harvest Festival. DAN Oh, Deborah, I am, like, obsessed with the harvest. DEBORAH Will you show me how to do that dance you taught everyone? DAN The Bartman. It's so simple. It's just back, front. Do the Bart man. BRITISH SOLDIER Halt! DAN Halt to you, good sirs. DEBORAH Oh no. They're British soldiers. DAN Oh, okay. I'll handle this. Let's talk bro to bro. BRITISH SOLDIER Give me a good reason why I shouldn't kill you right now. DEBORAH We have ham. BRITISH SOLDIER My God! I've never seen one in person. It's beautiful. Let’s go! DEBORAH Soldiers come in, steal a woman's best ham. This world's gone crazy. DAN When did those British soldiers get here? DEBORAH Last night. DAN Last night? And no one rode around on a horse screaming, "The British are coming, the British are coming?" DEBORAH No. DAN No? what about the king? People hate the king, right? Last time I was here, everyone was talking about, like, an American revolution. Does that ring a bell? DEBORAH This is why I love you. Who else would talk politics with a woman. DAN Deborah, I have to go. I... I think I need to fix something very important. DEBORAH Where is it that you always go? DAN To infinity. To infinity and beyond. Byesies. DEBORAH Byesies. What an amazing, mysterious man. DAN What are you eating? STUDENT Um. Fish and chips. DAN Fish and chips? That's what British people eat. Oh my God. CHRIS John Hancock showed an incredible amount of bravery. How? Signing his name that big on The Declaration of Independence. It would be like using your own name in an internet comments section. ALL DAN Heh. CHRIS History isn't made by remarkable people. It's made by unremarkable people doing remarkable things. How are you going to make history today? Thank you. DAN Excuse me. Chris. Chris! I have questions about Colonial Massachusetts. It's urgent. CHRIS You have urgent questions about Colonial Massachusetts? DAN Yes! DAN So what would've happened if Paul Revere never took his ride? CHRIS Oh, well the rise would allow the colonists to surprise the British. DAN Tea. Not coffee, tea. You have to come to my house right now! CHRIS But I'm, like, so busy. DAN I have artifacts that you need to see. DAN It's a bunch of Colonial stuff. You're gonna flip your wig. DAN Everything's in the garage. CHRIS I'm not going in your garage? You got a pile of dead squirrels on your counter. DAN Those were a gift from my girlfriend. CHRIS Look, I'll go in your garage, but only if you give me a knife, because if you try anything, I am gonna stab you. DAN Fair enough. DAN Prepare to have your mind blown. CHRIS A really big duffel bag? DAN It's a time machine. I go to the past every weekend. Sometimes on Tuesdays. Get in. I'll zip you up. CHRIS Never. No. DAN Why not? CHRIS What story starts with a guy getting in a duffel bag in a garage and has a happy ending, Dan? DAN Our story! The one that begins right now! Look, something screwed up the American revolution. You must have seen the changes. CHRIS What changes? DAN The kid eating fish and chips. Starbucks has advertisements for tea! DAN Okay, you’re insane. DAN How do I have all this Colonial junk then, man? CHRIS This is a vintage postal rate chart from 1775. DAN Yeah. CHRIS Look at the date! What are you doing? Stop! Are you eating it? DAN I don't care. I could get so much more of that crap. What about this? Huh? This classic Colonial pipe. CHRIS Okay, all right. Dan... CHRIS God! Stop. Okay, okay. Dan, think. DAN Look at this clock. CHRIS It is priceless. What are you doing? DAN I'm offering you a chance to start the American Revolution. If there's even a point zero, zero, zero, zero one percent chance that I'm right about this, don't you owe it to yourself to find out? CHRIS This is so stupid. What's at my feet? DAN Ham. You can eat it, trade bites for favors... In the 1700s, ham was pretty much like diamondcovered heroin. CHRIS It's real? DAN Yeah, I don't know why you're breathing so heavy. It's not like we ran to the past. We were just lying down, okay? Oh, I forgot to tell you, the past smells like poop because there is doody everywhere. CHRIS This is amazing! DAN What, that alcoholic eating a pumpkin? CHRIS No, man, we're like in the past! DAN Yeah! CHRIS You invented time travel! DAN Yep. Well, sort of. Either way, welcome to April twentyfirst, 1775. Just so you know, I think the guys in red are British. CHRIS This is really bad. The American Revolution was supposed to start two days ago. What have you been doing back here? DAN I don't know. Stuff. So, fix it. CHRIS The Founding Fathers, they used to gather at this place called Buckman Tavern. DAN I know Buckman Tavern. CHRIS Yeah? DAN Last time I was here, I got trashed there. You like to party? CHRIS Been known to have a white wine or three. DAN Oh my God, this is gonna suck. CHRIS Are we close to Buckman Tavern? DAN Yeah, we're close. I just gotta see my girlfriend real quick. CHRIS You're dating someone in the past? DAN Look, I told you. I'm really popular around here. CHRIS We have to start The American Revolution. DAN It already didn't happen. What's the difference if it doesn't happen for another ten minutes? Now, could you please, like, give me some privacy? I don't want her to see you. She'll be here any second. CHRIS Where am I supposed to go? DAN I don't know. It's the woods. Burrow! DEBORAH Daniel! Daniel. DAN Deborah. DEBORAH I've missed you. DAN I've missed you, too. DEBORAH Here. DAN Oh, what is this? DEBORAH A gift. It's nothing really. I just was thinking about how cold you must be, so I made you a hat. Put it on. DAN Oh, yeah. Okay. DEBORAH I disguised myself in a female bear carcass and then slaughtered the male when he became aroused. DAN Wow. Whoa. Um. I didn't get you anything, but, um, I wrote you another song. DEBORAH Oh. DAN SINGING ? Every night in my dream, I see you, I feel you.? ?That is how I know you go on.? ?Near, far? DEBORAH Who are you? DAN Deborah, this is, um, KweeKwag. He's going north, and I'm helping him. CHRIS Hello. DAN KweeKwag is from the West Indies, so the only word he knows is hello. DEBORAH Oh, well, then he must speak some Dutch. DEBORAH KweeKwag, . DAN KweeKwag got ran over by a bunch of loose mules, and it kinda scrambled him. DEBORAH Oh. DAN So... How do you speak Dutch? That's amazing. DEBORAH You're the amazing one, helping this halfwit to freedom. Well, I should go. My parents will be looking for me. Byesies. DAN Byesies. Don't make fun of the byesies thing. You know how couples get when they're in that in love stage. CHRIS What are you doing? DAN What? CHRIS You travel back in time and then pass yourself off as some male Celine Dion? DAN No, it's just... these Colonial people, they don't know any better. Sometimes I use things from the future to make 'em like me more here. CHRIS Oh. Super pathetic. DAN The Buckman Tavern. If The American Revolution started here, we just need to restart it. Right? CHRIS Oh my God, some of the Founding Fathers are here. That's James Swan and Joseph Warren and William Dawes. I'm gonna give a speech that will rally a revolt. DAN I've been here a lot. I'm not sure these people are gonna listen to you. CHRIS I think I got it. Pardon me, gentlemen. BARKEEP Slave! Slave! Who brought a slave in here? CHRIS Wow, good to see Boston hasn't changed. DAN Ezekiel, we've talked about this. BARKEEP Sorry. CHRIS Taxation without representation. COLONIST Boo. Boring. CHRIS Well, how long must we live with King George's boots upon our necks? COLONIST Hey, that's our king you're talking about. DAN Try something from a movie. CHRIS It's Friday. You ain't got no job, and you ain't got nothing to do. DAN A White movie. CHRIS Show show me the money. Show me the money. Show me the money! Show me the money! DAN Show me the money! ALL Yeah! CHRIS Show me the money! COLONIST Show me the money! DAN Show me the money! HANCOCK Show somebody the money! ADAMS CHRIS Money! BARKEEP Give me the money! DAN Ezekiel! Show me the money! Show me the money! CHRIS Show me the money, Dan, what the hell was that? DAN That's 1775. Hey, I was thinking, maybe we just go talk to my friends, John and Sam. They seem like pretty big players around here. CHRIS Are you talking about John Hancock and Sam Adams? DAN Oh yeah. HANCOCK Show me the money. ADAMS HANCOCK I don't know why I like that, but I do. CHRIS So have you two heard anything about fighting the British? HANCOCK Month ago, it was all anyone could talk about, but then Paul Revere sort of fell off the map. ADAMS I haven't seen him in a few weeks. HANCOCK So he's probably dead. CHRIS Dead? ADAMS Which might be a boon. At our meetings, he would just keep talking, and talking, and talking until everyone agreed to do whatever he said. HANCOCK Anyway, would you like to try Sam's new beer? CHRIS Yeah, absolutely. Thank you. HANCOCK You like it? CHRIS That is... That is really good. HANCOCK Oh really? You think it's good? Because you just drank from the chamber pot! ALL EXCEPT CHRIS CHRIS Oh my God! HANCOCK Don't worry. We've all fallen for it. DAN These guys are the best. ADAMS Daniel, tell me. Is it true that you've been courting Deborah Revere, you sly cad? CHRIS Your girlfriend is Paul Revere's daughter? DAN No! What else are you guys doing tonight? ADAMS Eh, some of the churchmen get together for a wild Satanic orgy in the woods that we all deny in the morning. HANCOCK Well, I'm gonna amble down to the creek, take a sip of the cool water, contract a parasite, and diarrhea my brains out. CHRIS Since you want to be such a pompityfaced idiot and date Paul Revere's daughter, now it's up to us to get him back on track. All right, here's a little bit of backstory on him. His father was a French Huguenot named DAN Got it. CHRIS That is Paul Revere. DAN I know, take a selfie with him. PAUL REVERE Yes? CHRIS He had something he wanted to tell Tell him. DAN Um, we we are, uh, good, ordinary common folk who are thinking about waging war against the British, and we thought that you PAUL REVERE The British? The British? Have you any idea what's going on in my life right now? DAN No. CHRIS Is that is that pewter? PAUL REVERE I arranged for my daughter Deborah to marry a blacksmith for quite a dowry. Then I find out she's sneaking around with some blaggard. DAN Your daughter is probably a PAUL REVERE What do you know about my daughter? DAN Ham? PAUL REVERE The British can wait until I find and kill Deborah's suitor with this weapon I've been forging. DAN Cool. That's cool. That's a that's a you get you have a patent on that? Um, if you do change your mind, I'm Tom Cruise. This is Magic Johnson. We're the Blues Brothers, and uh, let's keep a line of communication open just in case anything, like Goodbye! PAUL REVERE They're not brothers. CHRIS You have got to break up with her. DAN What are you, out of your mind? CHRIS Paul Revere wants to kill you. DAN Wow. CHRIS Is this all a big joke to you? Toying around with the history of the world so you can have a girlfriend. DAN She is not just a girlfriend. I am in love with her. Deborah is a brilliant and intelligent woman who was treated like garbage in 1775. CHRIS You're tricking her with the Titanic soundtrack. DAN I am using those things to... help me tell her how special she is when I can't find the words. In 1775, I have an amazing girlfriend. In 2016, I'm, like, a colossal screw up. CHRIS You're not a screw up. You invented time travel. If anything, you're, like, the smartest dude in the world. DAN I didn't exactly invent time travel. I discovered it. CHRIS What's the difference? DAN I discovered it amongst my father's possessions after he passed away. CHRIS I should've known. Dan, you brought me back here and asked, What do I do? Here's what you do. Break up with Deborah and clean up this selfish mess you've made. DAN I'm selfish? CHRIS Yes! DAN You teach history. I brought you back in time. You haven't even said thank you. CHRIS Thank you for what? All that's happened is I puked, I had an axe thrown at my head, I was treated like a slave, and I drank John Hancock's urine! He is my idol, Dan! My number one. And I drank the pee of the man who's my number one! DAN Well, I don't think it was just John Hancock's, FYI. I think everyone had a squeeze. CHRIS You get treated better than me in this time. DEBORAH And there's this house I think we should look at. It's five dollars. DAN I'm just not ready for a commitment right now. DEBORAH What commitment? There's a flu going around. We'll be lucky to live through the winter. DAN You should probably marry Blacksmith Gish. He's a good man. He can provide a life of stability and various kinds of steel. DEBORAH He's a dunce. I once saw him challenge a bag of grain to a duel. DAN But didn't he win that duel? DEBORAH No. Why are you doing this? DAN You wouldn't believe me if I told you. DEBORAH You owe me the chance. DAN This is gonna sound crazy. I'm from the future. DEBORAH DAN I am. I'm from the future. 2016. And I was bored there and lonely, and living in the shadow of my father, so I found a way to travel through time. Every place I went, I tried to become someone else. Until I met you. But unfortunately, us being together has changed some things in history. It's just breaking my heart. It's okay if you don't believe me. DEBORAH I believe you. DAN You do? DEBORAH Yes! It all makes sense now. Your odd language, your wondrous songs, and how you believe everything that I say that others call nonsense about women being equal and everyone deserving opportunity. DAN You're so ahead of your time. It's happened in the future. Women can even die in war. DEBORAH That's so wonderful. DAN It's fantastic. DEBORAH I can't imagine my life without you. You're tender and caring and sensitive, and almost feminine in a way that the men of 1775 never allow themselves to be. And you always know just what to say. DAN Deborah, you complete me. And you had me at hello. DEBORAH Aw. DAN You had me at hello, Deborah. CHRIS Take your hands off me, you miscreant! BRITISH SOLDIER Get on the horse and shut up! DAN KweeKwag! DEBORAH Something's happening. CHRIS Get off of me. Let me go! Hey! Hey! BRITISH SOLDIER You shut your face. CHRIS Dan! Deborah! Help me! DEBORAH They'll kill him. We have to get him back. DAN Yeah, I guess we do. CHRIS Help! CHRIS Help! Somebody help! DAN We're losing 'em. DEBORAH We can head them off this way. CHRIS Dan! Help me! Aah! BRITISH SOLDIER Ugh. I love you, Jeremy. CHRIS Aah! BRITISH SOLDIER A woman? DAN That's right, a woman. Don't act so shocked. Yeah, ride away, you sexist pig. CHRIS I love you, Deborah. Girl, I love me some Deborah. DAN My God, that was an amazing shot. CHRIS Untie me, untie me, untie me. DEBORAH It's a miracle. KweeKwag speaks. DAN Deborah, I'm sorry. This is not KweeKwag. This is my friend Chris from 2016. He came back with me to help me fix things here. DEBORAH Oh, so in 2016, black people and white people are friends. DAN Yes, exactly. CHRIS Not at all. DAN What? You don't think so. CHRIS Look, I have a plan. You guys go back to 2016, leave me behind. DAN What? Why? CHRIS I'm gonna start The American Revolution. DEBORAH So, I get to leave this miserable time. DAN Deborah, are you sure you're ready for this? You know, in the future, I'm I'm not some special guy, I'm just I DEBORAH I can't imagine anyone anywhere in time more special than you. CHRIS Save it for the duffel bag. Okay? And Dan, I apologize. I misjudged you. DAN Well, Chris, I was right about you. You're the type of guy that can help save history. Take this. CHRIS What's this? DAN Weed. CHRIS Makes sense. DAN You ready to go to the future? DEBORAH It smells wonderful here. DAN Does it? Where you going? Wait. DEBORAH Chris Parish, killed at the Battle of Lexington, April twentyfourth, 1775. That's tomorrow!