ALAN ARTEM ATTENDANT BAGGAGE_EMPLOYEE BERNARD BRYAN CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN JILL MAN MARK MEGHAN MERNINE NICHOLE ONLOOKERS PASSENGER PASSENGERS PATRICIA RONNIE WOMEN ARTEM Hey, Ronnie! Why was I forced to check my carry on? I made sure it fit this little bag prison. RONNIE Normally I would blame Jackpot, but this one's on me. I needed the bin space. I'm moving all my stuff to Bryan's apartment, and this is the cheapest way to get it from LA to Vegas. BERNARD No, the cheapest way would've been a pack of matches to light it on fire. RONNIE Aw. Bernard's just lashing out because he's gonna miss me. BERNARD Yes. Who else would be there every morning to wake me with a rhythmic hum of a mustache trimmer? RONNIE Oh. I'm gonna go before he misses me into a shrink I can't afford. WOMEN JILL Ronnie! RONNIE Oh, my God! Jill! I haven't see you since you got that JFK route on Delta. JILL I know. I've been wanting to call you guys, but I've been so busy. And I'm about to be even busier because I just got promoted to the New York to Paris! Dreams come true! WOMEN Dreams come true! RONNIE Wow. You got promoted already. JILL And it's all because of you, Ronnie. I didn't even know about that LA to JFK job until I heard you talking about how much you wanted it. RONNIE Ah! I'm so happy my dream worked out for you. JILL How are you? How's the LA to Vegas? RONNIE Amazing, too. Every day is such a- MAN Heads up. RONNIE Blessing. Dreams come true. WOMEN Dreams come true! CAPTAIN DAVE Jackpot Airlines. Northeast bound to Las Vegas. ALAN So, you're really gonna propose to Patricia this weekend? CAPTAIN DAVE That's right. What a relief. I was starting to worry I was doomed to wander this earth alone like some lonely fish god, forever searching for the right woman to drag underwater and feed me eggs. ALAN Oh, I love The Shape of Water. CAPTAIN DAVE What the hell is that? No, I'm just saying. After three failed marriages, this one is different. Patty is strong. Decisive. Insightful. Yep. Captain Dave has finally found a co-pilot. ALAN I have to go to the bathroom. CAPTAIN DAVE You just went. WOMEN RONNIE I'm just so annoyed. Jill's getting a promotion for a job that should have been mine. How come she gets to go to Paris? NICHOLE Paris is overrated. Hong Kong is where you want to go. I've been there for several Taken-like auctions. Both as a sale item and a bidder. RONNIE I've never been anywhere. I've never even been east of Des Moines. NICHOLE You don't want to ask me one follow-up question about that? RONNIE I just can't believe stupid Jill is stealing my dream. NICHOLE Forget about Jill. She has to focus on work because she has nothing else. And you're doing great. You're moving to a great place with a great guy. RONNIE You're right. Bryan's the best. You know he actually stops for ambulances, instead of following them to cut through traffic? COLIN Why are you looking at me like that? ARTEM Why don't you just kiss her already. I know you want to. COLIN Because she has a boyfriend she's moving in with. ARTEM Exactly. It's now or never. COLIN Well, then it's never, because right now I am not in the head space to even consider it. I mean, this unending divorce, Artem, is killing me. I sent Meghan the divorce papers. She sends them back, unsigned, with a list of more demands. ARTEM Colin, you need to end this. You have to be strong, put your foot down and say no more. That's also an excellent way to get rid of poltergeists. COLIN Oh, it's a shame. This was almost a normal interaction. ARTEM Maybe next time. NICHOLE Uh, Dave. I got a text from my mom before, asking me to meet her in Vegas at a Michael Bublé themed Cirque du Soleil. Do you kow anything about that? CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah, Cirque du Bublé. They sell you the whole seat, but all you need is the edge. NICHOLE No, she said she won the tickets at a Jackpot Airlines raffle. What the hell is going on? CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, I needed an excuse to get her on the Vegas to LA flight on Sunday because that's where I'm going to propose. I already bought her a gorgeous ring. You wouldn't believe how many karats it has. NICHOLE That is crazy. You broke up with her two weeks ago. You can't propose to someone you're not even dating. CAPTAIN DAVE I know this is all happening fast, but love has only one speed fast. Don't worry. You could be maid of honor. You'll be walking down the aisle with my best man- a rescue dog named Maverick, who's never been on a leash. BRYAN So, I'll come by the airport around 600 to pick up your stuff. RONNIE And then I'll officially be moved into our place! I'm bringing a bottle of champagne to break on the door to christen it. BRYAN I think that's only for boats. RONNIE Oh, well, in that case we'll just get drunk on champagne and go to bed with headaches. BRYAN I'll see you at 600. NICHOLE Ronnie, I need your help. We cannot let Dave marry my mom. I mean, I'm already a stripper, who knows how this issue will manifest. RONNIE Yeah, I can't believe he's actually doing this. I will help you talk some sense into him. JILL Let's go to the Paris because I'm going to Paris! WOMEN RONNIE Actually, I'm sorry. I have to go do something, but good luck with Dave. BERNARD Where is she going? She only walks that speed towards costly mistakes and free meatballs. COLIN What are you doing here? CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie took all the crew bins, so I had to check my bag like some dirty ground-o. Thank you for flying Jackpot. Wait till you see this ring I got Patricia. It cost a fortune. Most expensive thing I ever bought. That's how you know it's a smart move. ARTEM My most expensive purchase was buying back my daughter from a local crime lord. No, it was pizza oven. BAGGAGE EMPLOYEE All right, that's the last of them. CAPTAIN DAVE Wait, wait, wait. That's it? Where's my bag? BAGGAGE EMPLOYEE I don't know, bro. That was the end of it. Ah, sweet. I'm on break. CAPTAIN DAVE No, no, no, no, no! ARTEM What's wrong? CAPTAIN DAVE My engagement ring was in that bag. COLIN That seems unwise. Airlines lose luggage literally all the time. CAPTAIN DAVE They do? COLIN Yes! Why do you think people hate air travel? CAPTAIN DAVE People hate air travel? Oh, God. What am I gonna do? COLIN Don't worry. It's okay. Jackpot Airlines has lost my luggage plenty of times. CAPTAIN DAVE And they always found it? COLIN Nope. Not once. I'm sorry. I don't know why I thought that would be reassuring. BERNARD How was your meeting? RONNIE Oh, uh. What meeting? BERNARD Don't bother lying. I saw you sneaking around the Delta offices. I followed you. What were you doing? RONNIE All right, I went to see Delta HR. Since Jill got that promotion, I was just curious to see if they needed someone for the JFK route. BERNARD I knew it. You're still pining for New York, like some high school theater beard. RONNIE I just needed to see if it was possible. But don't worry, it's not. They remembered me from last time, and they're not interested. BERNARD Fine. If this job is still something you care so much about, I will help you get it. RONNIE You can't. The HR guy won't even see me. The universe does not want me to ever get this job. BERNARD Then that's even more reason for us to get it. You hear me? You dried up old bitch. Bernard is coming for you. CAPTAIN DAVE This is a disaster. I have a stunning proposal on Sunday, and no engagement ring, or money to buy another one. ARTEM Hey. I have a good idea. Captain Dave needs a ring, and you, Colin, you have a ring from the flaming wreckage of your marriage. Just give him yours. CAPTAIN DAVE Perfect. I'll buy it from you. Name your price, and I'll write you an I.O.U. right here. I don't care what it looks like. At this point, I'll settle for anything. COLIN Right, well, it is not anything. It is a beautiful family heirloom passed down from Nanaba McCormick, and I already told you my ex-wife took everything. She still has the ring. If I ask her for something now, the divorce will just drag on forever. ARTEM Yeah, it will drag on forever if you don't stand up to her. And besides, our sad, pathetic Captain Dave, he needs you, Colin. CAPTAIN DAVE Come on, Colin. I've been there for you through your divorce, because I consider you a friend. And as a friend, right now I need you there for me. RONNIE There he is. There's the HR guy. This is pointless Bernard. He already said he's not gonna meet with me. BERNARD Never give up. Hey, Alan. Can you help us with something? ALAN Sure. As long as I don't have to lift anything 'cause my back has this- No! ONLOOKERS Whoa! BERNARD You killed our friend! MARK Oh, God. I'm so sorry. I'll call a medic. BERNARD They're on their way. And while we're waiting, you have time to give my friend Ronnie a fair shot. RONNIE Look, I know that maybe I didn't make the best impression the last time I applied for this position. But when I'm in the air, I work my ass off. I have tendonitis in my shoulder from closing overhead bins. Carpal tunnel from opening soda cans. My voice used to be three octaves higher, and my hair used to be three layers thicker. But I still love this job more than anything I've ever done. And I have coworkers who are willing to throw someone in front of a cart and get hit by a cart for me. So come on, Mark. I deserve that job. All I'm asking is for a chance to prove it. CAPTAIN DAVE Can you just look again? It's black. Cool handle that can go up and down. Tag not filled out because why would I? NICHOLE Dave, Artem told me you were here. We have to talk. CAPTAIN DAVE Did you know that airlines can lose your bags? How is it possible? It's a foolproof system. You give your bag to a stranger, it goes on a belt into darkness, and shows up a thousand miles away. How do you mess that up? NICHOLE Okay. Listen to me. You cannot propose to my mother. That would be a huge mistake. CAPTAIN DAVE NICHOLE and deep down you know that. Why else would you have broken it off and walked away? CAPTAIN DAVE I walked away thinking she'd chase after me, yelling, "Dave, don't go." And then it would start raining. NICHOLE No. You did it because your relationship is dysfunctional and now you're trying to find an easy answer to fix it. CAPTAIN DAVE Every relationship is a little dysfunctional. You lie to your mom about being a stripper. NICHOLE Okay, that's.don't, n-no! This isn't about me. Just admit, the only reason you're proposing to my mom is because you're scared to be alone. CAPTAIN DAVE I know you don't understand, but I believe your mom and I have a chance at something that could last. I at least have to try or else I'll never know. Any luck with that bag? I really hate you. COLIN Okay, the strategy is good cop, Artem. I ask her nicely for the ring, when she says no, you say something weird to throw her off. ARTEM At home my wife and I play good cop, Artem in bed. But I am good cop and she is Artem. COLIN Yeah, something like that would be fine. ARTEM Yeah. MEGHAN Oh! Oh my God. I made you appear. COLIN MEGHAN Colin! What are you doing here? COLIN I'm here to discuss something very important. Um, I would like my family engagement ring back. MEGHAN What are you talking about? The ring is in your pocket. COLIN This is a crumpled up eight of spades. MEGHAN Ta-da! COLIN That was impressive. Although annoying. Uh, listen, Meghan, I have been so accommodating with every one of your unreasonable demands. I-I'm just asking for such a small thing in return. MEGHAN Sorry, baby. My lawyer told me the ring was a gift, so I don't have to give it back. COLIN I told you this was a waste of time. Let's just go home. ARTEM No, if you walk out now, nothing will be changed. Colin, no more good cop. COLIN You know what? Keep the ring. Consider it a parting gift. 'Cause from now on, things are going to change. These are the divorce papers. You're gonna sign them. You’re gonna return them, and if not, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. ARTEM And that's me. COLIN No, I have an actual, real, legitimate lawyer. RONNIE Hey. BRYAN Hey. I was just game planning on how to fit all of this stuff in my car, and I was thinking, if I fold down the back seat, none of it will fit. RONNIE Forget about that for a second, come sit down. I have very exciting news. BRYAN Okay. RONNIE I got a job for Delta. BRYAN Wow! That's incredible. I mean, that's an airline that I'd actually feel safe flying. RONNIE I'm going to be on the LA to JFK. It's the job I’ve wanted forever. BRYAN Okay.that's good, but I'm just a little confused. You're going to be flying from Los Angeles to New York, but living in Las Vegas? RONNIE Yeah, but it's okay. I mean, a lot of flight attendants live in a city that's different from their base. I mean, Mernine lives here, but she's based out of St. Louis, and that works. Right, Mernine? MERNINE Howard Hughes wants to put me in a picture. RONNIE I really have to stop using her as my model for things. But, we can figure it out. BRYAN Look, I just thought we were moving forward. I'm...not sure how I feel about you being gone all the time. RONNIE Oh well it's not. I mean, this is.we can make it work. I know we can. BRYAN Yeah. Sure. Uh, I'm going to get a cart to carry all this stuff. BERNARD There's something very wrong when I'm the one doing all the work. RONNIE I'm sorry. I am just trying to figure out all this Bryan and job stuff. I figure eight flights, three layovers a week, that leaves me 20 hours a week in Vegas. Some of them might even be awake. Damn it. I was just so excited about this route, I didn't think how it would affect me living in Vegas. BERNARD Well, this Delta job is your dream. So, staying in LA makes the most sense. RONNIE Yeah, I guess.hey, how come you suddenly decided to help me get this job? You hate New York. You said it's your least favorite character on Sex and the City. BERNARD I just wanted to help you achieve your dream. RONNIE Bernard. BERNARD And I don't want you to move out, okay. And I knew if you got that job, you'd have to stay in LA with me. RONNIE I can't believe this. I-I thought you were helping me, because we were friends, but you somehow made an unselfish act selfish. BERNARD I don't want to lose you, Ronnie. I'm telling you I want you to stay. Do you know how devastated John Stamos was that I could never say those words to him? RONNIE Oh my God, this is not about you. Stop bragging. BERNARD I'm not. If I were bragging, I'd tell you my Clooney story. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, fellas. ARTEM Captain Dave. COLIN Sorry again I couldn't get the ring back. ARTEM He got something even better. Testicular manhood. CAPTAIN DAVE How does that help me? I can't propose with that. NICHOLE No, but I have something you can propose with. CAPTAIN DAVE My bag. Oh thank God. Where'd you find it? NICHOLE Jackpot didn't lose it. I took it. COLIN You had it? NICHOLE I know it was rash, I was just trying to stall so you couldn't propose today. But you were right. You and my mom deserve a chance to figure it out for yourselves. CAPTAIN DAVE Thanks, Nichole. Though I wish I'd known sooner. I got so many people fired for this. Oh, well. The proposal's back on, boys. PATRICIA That Cirque du Bublé show was incredible, wasn't it? NICHOLE Mm-hmm. Yeah. PATRICIA Next year we should go back for Cirque du Shaday. NICHOLE Mm. PATRICIA My treat. I know how tight money can be on a student's budget. NICHOLE Yep. Very tight. Absolutely no traceable income. RONNIE COLIN Everything okay? RONNIE Oh, it should be. I got the job I thought I always wanted. The guy I thought I always wanted. But now I have to choose. Or I could just say screw it all and go to Hong Kong. I'd settle for anywhere no one speaks English, so there's no one I could disappoint. COLIN Well, if you're looking for somewhere they don't speak English, you should join me in my family home in Manchester. They communicate only using long judgmental sighs. RONNIE Sounds like your my best option right now, McCormick. You just kissed me. COLIN Yes, I did. I-I know this is terrible timing, but I can't keep lying down and waiting for things to happen and I wish these words were as good as that kiss. That kiss was good, right? RONNIE Y-You just kissed me. Dave's starting. I have to go. CAPTAIN DAVE Attention, passengers. There seems to be a problem with the lighting. If you could please reach into your seat back pocket, pull out your signal lights, and guide the path to love. PASSENGER Neat. ALAN CAPTAIN DAVE Patricia. CAPTAIN DAVE The seat belt sign has been turned off. You may now move freely about the cabin. PASSENGERS NICHOLE So, is this part of the proposal? CAPTAIN DAVE No. I got out there and my adrenaline was pumping and I realized, I don't have to do this. You were right, Nichole. I thought marriage was the answer, so I wouldn't keep feeling alone. And I looked around and saw the faces of my friends and I realized.I'm not alone. NICHOLE Of course you're not. And you're making the right decision. Just.with the worst possible timing. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. That was a little humiliating. I got to be honest. I'll let this plane crash before I walk past your mom again. NICHOLE Come on. I'll go out there with you. CAPTAIN DAVE And how do I explain all this? NICHOLE Maybe it's time to just start being honest. CAPTAIN DAVE Nah, I’ll think of something. PATRICIA Dave, this clearly isn't just some normal flight. I think someone needs to explain to me what is going on here. CAPTAIN DAVE Okay, Patricia. NICHOLE Um, no, Mom. Here's what's going on. I'm a stripper. I take my clothes off for money, and I've been lying to you about it for a really long time. We have to be honest, our relationship is dysfunctional and there aren't any easy answers to fix that. PATRICIA No. That's.I need that. CAPTAIN DAVE Cards on the table, I was going to propose. I'm glad I didn't. It's a real emotional growth moment for me. RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE Weird day, huh? RONNIE Who the hell knows anymore? So what are you going to do with that? CAPTAIN DAVE No point in keeping it. Got to find a pawn shop to sell it off. Unless you're interested. In buying it. Not marrying me. Like you could handle all this. RONNIE No, I'm good on both. CAPTAIN DAVE Heard you got that JFK route. It's a good job. RONNIE It would also probably be the end of me and Bryan. CAPTAIN DAVE He's a good guy. Never actually talked to him, but I respect the courage it takes to have that ponytail. RONNIE He cut the ponytail. CAPTAIN DAVE Coward. RONNIE So if I stay with Bryan, I miss out on an opportunity that could change my life. But if I take the job, I end the best relationship I've ever been in. Which maybe I should do anyway if I have feelings for Colin. I just don't know. CAPTAIN DAVE Sounds to me, like you could either do what's right for your career, or you could do what's right for your relationships. RONNIE So what do I do? CAPTAIN DAVE You do what's right for you. But, just for my sake, hypothetically, if I had been asking you to marry me. RONNIE Like you could handle all this. ARTEM Nichole! How did your mom take the news? NICHOLE Well, she's still processing it. And she kicked me out of the house. But I learned a valuable lesson. Never be honest again. COLIN Hm. Oh, Bernard-Bernard! Uh, is Ronnie here yet? Do you have any idea what she decided to do? BERNARD No, I haven't seen her. Ever since my true motives were exposed, it's taught me a valuable lesson. Never be honest again. ARTEM Captain Dave! How you doing? NICHOLE We know it was hard, but we're all really proud of what you did the other day. You made the right decision in not proposing. CAPTAIN DAVE Your damn right I did. Because right after that, I met someone even better. BERNARD What? CAPTAIN DAVE You heard me. Captain Dave is in love again. I went to a Vegas pawn shop to sell the ring and there she was. Like an angel from heaven, selling her old ring. Can you believe it? COLIN W-W-Wait, you-you met a woman? CAPTAIN DAVE That's right. She came back to LA and we had two heart pounding nights together. Hey, babycakes! Come out here and meet my amigos. MEGHAN Oh! Hi. CAPTAIN DAVE Everyone, this is Meghan. MEGHAN Oh, hi. Colin. COLIN Meghan. CAPTAIN DAVE How do you two know each other? BERNARD CAPTAIN DAVE Hey there, passengers. As we start our descent into Sin City, here's a little Captain's wisdom for you. If you think you know what's going to happen this weekend, guess what. You don't. So, if I were you, I'd ditch those best laid plans and follow your heart. Gamble on yourself. Or on the Pacers minus six. Take a risk. Maybe it works out. Maybe it doesn't. But that's why you have your friends. Because this town can chew you up. And that's when you'll need 'em the most. So from all of us at Jackpot, good luck. Wherever your adventures may take you. ATTENDANT You're hitching a ride with us? Is this your first time going to Hong Kong? RONNIE It's my first time going anywhere. ATTENDANT How long are you going for? RONNIE I haven't decided. About a lot of things.