ALAN ALL ARTEM BARTENDER BERNARD BRYAN CAPTAIN_DAVE CAROLINE COCKPIT COLIN CROWD DEALER NICHOLE RONNIE SONG TAXI_DRIVER RONNIE Hey. Thanks for coming early. We are in crisis mode. Dave is fresh off his breakup with Patricia and post-breakup Dave is the worst Dave there is. NICHOLE I thought "Hold the Phone, You've Never Heard of Fleetwood Mac" Dave was the worst Dave. BERNARD No. I'm not a racist, but Dave is the worst Dave. COLIN I'm not a particular fan of "You Were in My Dream Last Night" Dave. ALAN The only Dave I don't like is Dave Matthews. It's like, ugh, finish the song. COLIN What's in the bag? RONNIE The stuff to help him through this. He's going to be a mess, so it's up to us to get him back on his feet. Colin, you gave him those. Dave loves. COLIN Oh, these are disgusting. RONNIE To smell them. They're decorative soaps. COLIN RONNIE And this is Unlikely Animal Friends. A photo book of interspecies animals cuddling to restore his faith in love. ARTEM Oh, I have similar book. But it's a cookbook. RONNIE Nichole, here are giant sunglasses so Dave can hide his puffy eyes from all the crying. BERNARD What am I giving him? RONNIE You just have to pretend to care. BERNARD Ronnie, it's not called pretend when you're classically trained. It's called technique. RONNIE Mm. Oh, okay, here he comes. Everybody get ready. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, nerds. What are we smiling at? BERNARD David, I know this breakup was tough. But I'm here for you. When you hurt, I hurt. CAPTAIN DAVE Guys, I appreciate it, but the breakup is already behind me. I'm really okay. See you onboard. RONNIE Wow. I did not expect him to bounce back so quickly. Do we really think he's okay? BERNARD Who cares? I just left it all out on the stage, and for what? A pat on the back and "see you onboard?” What a waste of a brave performance. I'll be in my dressing room. NICHOLE He has a dressing room? RONNIE Oh, that's what he calls every bathroom he goes into. CAPTAIN DAVE Jackpot Airlines. Northeast-bound to Las Vegas. RONNIE Nichole, I need to talk to you about something. And I haven't told anyone yet. NICHOLE It's okay. I saw you sneeze into a pillow and give it to that guy. We all have hard days at work. RONNIE Oh, no, that was intentional. He told me I looked tired. NICHOLE Rude. RONNIE So, Bryan asked me to move in with him. NICHOLE Oh, my God, that's so great. I mean, I get that offer all the time, but I'm not about to breakup Dirk Nowitzki's marriage. RONNIE Our lives are different. Look. I've never lived with anyone. How do I know if I'm even ready? This is a huge decision and I'm going to see him this weekend. I have to tell him something. NICHOLE Okay, I get it. This is big. How do you normally make big life decisions? RONNIE Quickly and panicked. NICHOLE How's that working out for you? RONNIE Not great. You want to buy a moped? NICHOLE First thing you need to do is make a pro-con list. I do them for just about everything. Should I dye my hair blonde? Should I quit social media? Should I run for senate? RONNIE Ow! BERNARD Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want to help me with the drink service or stay here and play grab-ass with your little friend? SONG COLIN Artem, I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. ARTEM Oh, the fake English accent? Just drop it. We like you for you, man. COLIN No, this LA to Vegas commute. It's killing me. I don't understand the allure of the city. ARTEM There is something for everybody in Vegas. And if you are put in the right situation, you would realize there's more Vegas in you than you ever imagined. COLIN I think it's fair to say there's not an ounce of Vegas in me right now. ARTEM Oh, yes, there is. I see it so clearly now, as I can see how you're going to die. Natural causes. ALAN I'm really proud of how you're handling this breakup, Dave. You're my hero. CAPTAIN DAVE Thanks, Alan. I'm my hero, too. You know, there's a term for my evolution. It's called emotional growth. I'm at a point in my life where I give myself permission to feel what I'm feeling. And just, let it go. ALAN If you started a cult, I would leave mine and join yours. CAPTAIN DAVE Don't leave your cult for me. You love Weight Watchers. Okay, so what are we plugging today? "Hey there folks, Captain Dave here. You smell that? That's love in the air. And if you're feeling ready to make that special relationship official, head on down to Wedlocked, Vegas's first escape room slash wedding chapel." ALAN Oh, God. CAPTAIN DAVE Folks, I'm going to go off-script here and get real with you. You know, I used to believe in love. Then I realized love sucks. It's a total waste of time. I'm done with it. RONNIE Artem, I need that book. CAPTAIN DAVE Done! I don't need love anymore. Lots of people don't have love and they're doing great. Like my friend Colin. The pale gentleman in the tweed jacket. He has the air of a widower, but really, he's just divorced. Hey Colin. Let's you and me disappear into the woods and live off the land, sustaining ourselves in our shared hatred of romance. RONNIE Look at this one, Dave. It's a German Shepherd and a baby owl. He should be eating him, but they're touching noses. CAPTAIN DAVE So, to sum it all up folks, I hate love. I don't need it. And neither does Colin. Right Colin? COLIN Right. Just to be clear, Captain Dave and I are on very different emotional paths. I'm not that lonely, I just like to read books. SONG Aye, papi. COLIN Come on, mate. SONG RONNIE What the hell was that, Dave? CAPTAIN DAVE That was a punch in the face called truth. And your first taste of the new me. It might get bitter. RONNIE Yeah? CAPTAIN DAVE That's it. BERNARD So, it looks like our flight to LA is going to be delayed. Apparently there's a warning light on in the cockpit they need to check out. RONNIE Do you know anything about this, Dave? CAPTAIN DAVE Why. Wasn't. I. Enough. COCKPIT Warning. CAPTAIN DAVE Nope. RONNIE Look, I know you're hurting right now, but you've got to pull it together. You have a job to do. So while they're fixing this warning light, why don't you go blow off some steam and get your head right? CAPTAIN DAVE I'm going to go to Hudson News and tip over a rack of Nora Roberts novels. If I can't have romance, no one can. CAROLINE Bernard. I should have known you were behind this delay. BERNARD Caroline. I knew I caught a waft of soup breath and eczema cream. CAROLINE Listen, you sour-faced contempo-casuals manikin come to life. The gate agents are not taking the fall for this mess, because you two screwed up. BERNARD You look like a Moray eel with a wig. CAROLINE You look like a Snapchat filter called "Ugly Tyrese." RONNIE Ohh-kay, guys. Let's not do this again. Come on, we're all in it together. The plane will be fixed soon, so until then, hands in, go team! CAROLINE Know this, Bernard, I'm going to get you. And you're little dog, too. RONNIE Why does she hate us so much? BERNARD It's probably because I slept with her boyfriend. I didn't want to. But I could. So I did. ARTEM Oh, hey! Look what the Kat Dennings dragged in. What are you still doing here? COLIN It seems my ex took my son to Phoenix to visit her mom without telling me. So apparently I just flew to Vegas to use an airport toilet. What are you still doing here? ARTEM I'm going to get a ride as soon as surge pricing goes down. How about now, Serge? Hey, Captain Dave. The sadness that is usually on the inside is now on outside. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie said that the flight was delayed and I should blow off some steam but I don't know how to do it. Everything reminds me of Patricia. Even you guys. Artem, your long, beautiful hair. Colin, your soft, feminine bone structure. ARTEM Captain, I know what you need. Let me take you to a very special place. A place where you can think, reflect and relax. CAPTAIN DAVE A casino? This is where you go to think and reflect? ARTEM Yeah, just listen. COLIN It's like a thousand game shows having an orgy. ARTEM Exactly. Everything in here is designed to distract you from thinking about anything else. All that matters is right in front of you, Captain Dave. What do you say? Just one roll and see where it takes you. DEALER Seven! Winner! ARTEM What? COLIN What? CAPTAIN DAVE Let's do it again. ARTEM No, wait. We must adhere to the powers of superstition. Colin, what were you doing just before he rolled? COLIN Just leaning on the table and taking a drink. ARTEM Then you do exactly that, and I stand here looking cool because that's what I was doing. CAPTAIN DAVE DEALER Yo, 11! Winner. ARTEM Wha? Yes. COLIN Come on. ARTEM Looks like we're staying. Hey, Serge. You can leave. RONNIE Okay. Moving in with Bryan pro-con list, page 3. Pro Bryan is super thoughtful. He said if we lived together, he would keep his fancy wine fridge stocked with cheap beer for me. NICHOLE Aw. He's not going to change your trashy. RONNIE Mm-hmm. Con Sometimes he wears this Lenny Kravitz-y scarf he thinks is cool. NICHOLE That's a grievance, not a deal-breaker. RONNIE He knitted it himself. NICHOLE Keep reading. RONNIE Pro He has fancier shampoo than me, and I can use it everyday. Con He has fancier shampoo than me. NICHOLE Okay Ronnie. We've been at this for 30 minutes and I got to say, you haven't listed one real reason why you shouldn't move in with Bryan. RONNIE Okay. What about Bernard? He would be devastated if I left. BERNARD I'd be fine if you left. RONNIE Won't you miss my Sunday morning pancakes? BERNARD Those were pancakes? NICHOLE I guess we can cross Bernard being devastated off your con list. CAROLINE Sorry to interrupt your Mensa meeting, but we fixed the warning light issue, so I hope you sky trash are ready to go. BERNARD Oh. I'm ready to go. After your next boyfriend. This time make it a straight one. Give me a challenge. RONNIE Oh-kay. Enough. Caroline, we'll be ready, don't you worry. Thank you. BERNARD Tsssssssss. RONNIE Okay, she is looking for any reason to take us down. We have to get moving. Where is Dave? We can't go anywhere without a pilot. BERNARD Not a clue. NICHOLE I should fly Delta. DEALER Fives! ALL CAPTAIN DAVE Oh! COLIN Unbelievable. That's like 10 winners in a row. CAPTAIN DAVE I know, I kind of can't lose right now. ARTEM A roll like this is incredibly rare. It's like a unicorn fighting another unicorn. They're usually very friendly. COLIN Oh, uh, just checking. This drink is free, too, right? BARTENDER Yes. You don't need to ask me that every time. COLIN Gosh, this must be how LL Cool J feels everyday. Probably not. ARTEM I'll take it. You just keep on rolling. Hey, Captain Dave's telephone, Artem speaking. ALL RONNIE Artem, where did you take Dave? And what is all that cheering? ARTEM Oh, we are at the casino and he's playing craps. Captain Dave is on fire, just like left-handed children in my village. RONNIE What? No. Our plane is ready. We have to take off. You need to get him back to the airport right now. ARTEM All right. Hey, it's Ronnie. She says she needs you back at the airport right now. CAPTAIN DAVE I just hit another winner. I can't leave. Tell her I ain't going, baby. ARTEM Okay. He says he's not coming. CAPTAIN DAVE I said, ain't going baby. ARTEM He says he's not going, baby. CAPTAIN DAVE Ain't going baby! ARTEM Uh, he says. RONNIE I heard what he said. ARTEM But did you hear how he said it? Yes! ALL BERNARD Dave's not coming back because he's on a run at a craps table? This is ridiculous. He's been gone for five Oscar acceptance speeches. RONNIE One, I still can't believe that's how you keep time. And two, I am going to find Dave and drag him back here. Whatever it takes. NICHOLE Maybe I should go with you. It was my mom he was dating, maybe I can talk some sense into him. CAROLINE I already told you the plane is ready. Why are you standing around like a bunch of thick ankled moms at Disneyland? BERNARD Oh, my God, Caroline. That joke was eczemazing. Your wit like your scalp is bone dry. RONNIE I'm so sorry, Caroline. It's just going to be another 15 minutes, I promise. It's a personal matter. I'm just having a lot of and it's just doing like a whole thing. CAROLINE Fine. But if you're not back in 15 minutes, I'll have no choice but to report you. BERNARD What the hell with all the noises? RONNIE I don't know, but whatever, she's gone. BERNARD For 15 minutes. That's not enough time to get to the strip and back. RONNIE That's why were tag teaming this. You stay here and stall Caroline. Nichole and I will go get Dave. RONNIE Can you run in those? NICHOLE Are you serious? These are my gym heels. RONNIE Is there another way to go? We're kind of in a hurry here. Oh, that's another con for the list. Traffic. Vegas has tons of traffic. NICHOLE Traffic? We live in Los Angeles. RONNIE Yes, but our traffic is famous people. At any given time, you could get into a fender-bender with Steve Harvey. NICHOLE Okay, Ronnie, what is going on with you? Why are you so scared to move in with Bryan? Because things seem to be going great. RONNIE Yeah. We're great now. But what about in six months? Hell, six days? NICHOLE You're worrying about things that haven't happened yet. And if there is a problem, you guys will figure it out. RONNIE I won't. My family sucks at relationships. Growing up, I never saw a normal one. It was always a disaster. They all ended in divorce, jail, arson and even worse, kids. NICHOLE Well, it doesn't have to be that way with you. RONNIE I don't want to risk it. NICHOLE Guess you have your answer then. RONNIE Yep. TAXI DRIVER I don't mean to eavesdrop, but if you're single now, I've got a great guy you should meet. His name is Jesus Christ. RONNIE Oh, my God, this place is packed. How are we going to find him? CROWD Captain Dave, Captain Dave, Captain Dave, Captain Dave. NICHOLE I think he's that way. RONNIE Mm-hmm. CROWD Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! RONNIE Hey, guys. What are you still doing here? We have to get Dave back to the airport. ARTEM First rule of gambling never interrupt a man during an epic roll of craps. COLIN Yes, just don't do it. ARTEM Shh. No. NICHOLE Are you are you drunk, Colin? COLIN Shh, this isn't about me. It's about Dave and me. It's about me and Dave and just the point is, every time I put my hand on the table and take a drink, he wins, so just watch. CAPTAIN DAVE What time is it? CROWD Captain Dave time! CAPTAIN DAVE What time is it? CROWD Captain Dave time! CAPTAIN DAVE Hey! Ladies! Aw, you made it. RONNIE Dave, I'm so glad you're having fun, but you've got to go fly the plane. CAPTAIN DAVE Fun? No, it's way more than that. This is the most alive I've felt since Patty and I broke up. RONNIE Look, Dave, I know you're winning a lot of money, but. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, it's not about the money. It's about this moment. Something magical's happening, and I can't walk away from it. I got to stay here and see this through. I need this. Please. RONNIE $20 on the hard ten. ALL Yeah! RONNIE CAROLINE Bernard! BERNARD Shirley Temple black! CAROLINE Bernard, did you take a window to try and stall the plane? BERNARD No. I was trying to take a seat belt to stall the plane and the window just fell out. This is a terrible airline. How are we not dead? CAROLINE Save it, Bernard. You don't have a pilot. You don't have a full crew. You don't have any more time. I'm calling this in. BERNARD Caroline, wait. I'm truly sorry about what happened with your boyfriend Steven. CAROLINE Mark. BERNARD We didn't do a lot of talking. The point is, I was wrong to take him from you. I should've respected what you two had. So, why don't we stop fighting? If two boss bitches like us teamed up, we'd be unstoppable. Come through, Caroline. CAROLINE Burn in hell, you hairless cat. No! What are you doing? BERNARD I don't know. I haven't thought this through. Alan, get over here. ALAN Hey, Bernard. BERNARD Shut up! Now, stand here and make sure Caroline doesn't come out of the jetway. No matter what. ALAN I'm helping. ALL COLIN Ah! ARTEM Hey, what did I tell you? You had a bit of Vegas in you all along. COLIN Not only do I have some Vegas in me, old friend, I've become Vegas. My body is equal parts smoke, liquor, strip club flyers and Guy Fieri donkey sauce. Mwah! BERNARD Let me through! Let me through, let me through, let me through. RONNIE Bernard, what are you doing here? What happened to Caroline? BERNARD I locked her in the jetway. RONNIE What? BERNARD Don't act so surprised, Bakersfield. At some point every person in your family has been locked up. And what the hell are you still doing here? RONNIE I'm sorry, Bernard. I got caught up in Dave's roll. It is the most incredible thing I've ever seen. CAPTAIN DAVE Bernard! You made it, get in here and let me feel the Bern. BERNARD Not now, Dave. You're supposed to be flying back to Los Angeles right now. CAPTAIN DAVE You're right. I'm supposed to be flying a plane. Because I'm. ALL Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! BERNARD Ronnie, stop it. You're the wrangler. Why aren't you wrangling? RONNIE Bernard. This is no longer just about us. Earlier today, this man told an entire plane of people that he didn't need love and now, look at this. He did this and these people, they love him. Dave, they love you. CAPTAIN DAVE You hear that, Bernard? CROWD Captain Dave! Captain Dave! Captain Dave! CAPTAIN DAVE They love me. I think I'm done. Sorry, guys. I've gotten everything I need here. CROWD RONNIE Okay, Bernard, let's do this. We've got to free Caroline, beg for forgiveness and get all these angry people on the plane. BERNARD Got it. RONNIE Bernard, didn't you say you locked her in the jetway? BERNARD It got out. CAROLINE BERNARD And it's taunting us. ALAN Oh, hey, guys. Guess what we just did? BERNARD I will not. RONNIE That's okay. Um, uh, so w-we got our pilot back and if it's okay with you, w-we're ready to go now, Caroline. CAROLINE I'm going to need 15 more minutes. ALAN It's finally my turn. RONNIE Well, we're in the clear. But it'll be a little while before the plane is ready to go. They're doing a floor-to-ceiling wipe down of the front galley. CAPTAIN DAVE So, I guess it wasn't practical to burn the whole plane then. RONNIE Mm. We are so lucky. Today could've gone wrong a thousand different ways. CAPTAIN DAVE But it didn't. And when fate pulls up and offers you a joyride, you can't walk away. RONNIE Yeah, but it was such a huge risk. CAPTAIN DAVE Of course it was a risk, Ronnie, but if you don't take any risks you'll miss out on so many good things in life. And the more things you try, the easier it is to figure out what you really want. RONNIE Let me know when Bernard snaps out of it. BERNARD I saw every muscle in Caroline's back. RONNIE Bryan? Hi, what are you doing here? I was just about to call you. BRYAN Well, I hadn't heard from you today and I saw your flight was delayed, so in order to get through security, I bought the cheapest ticket I could find. RONNIE Let me guess. Bakersfield? BRYAN Bingo. But, it was worth the $18 just to see you. And I was a little worried that you might be freaking out about this whole moving in situation. RONNIE Bingo. BRYAN Look, I know that it's a big step in a relationship, so if we're moving too fast, we can take it a little slower. So, here's a key to my place and you can come and go as you please. RONNIE I'm not going to need this. BRYAN Oh. Well, that's harsh. RONNIE No. No, I'm not going to need it because I want to move in with you. Look, I am so terrified that I'm going to screw this up. But you are caring and thoughtful and you love all my faults. BRYAN I like to think of them as quirks. RONNIE And that's why you're worth the risk. Oh wait! I guess I will need that key. Actually, I'll need multiple copies, because I will most likely use it. BRYAN Great. We'll make copies of the key I just gave you. RONNIE I already lost it. BRYAN Great. Then I'll change the locks to my house. RONNIE ARTEM Colin, you have the beautiful afterglow of a man who has just consummated his relationship with Lady Vegas. COLIN Oh, she certainly had her way with me. Oh, there's half a cigarette in my hair. ARTEM At least you know you did Vegas right. CAPTAIN DAVE Artem, thanks for taking me to the casino. You really helped me get my swagger back. ARTEM It's my pleasure, Captain Dave. What are you going to do with all your money? Hey, you should buy a PT Cruiser. Imagine owning a car that people can only rent. CAPTAIN DAVE I already know what I'm going to do. I'm buying an engagement ring for Patricia. COLIN What? I thought today was all about getting over Patricia. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, it was. But as I was standing at the craps table in the middle of all those people chanting my name it hit me. I know I said I don't need love. But the truth is, I need love constantly. All the time. ARTEM And proposing to Patricia will get you that? CAPTAIN DAVE Well, I'm pretty sure not proposing won't. COLIN Dave, I know we're all on a bit of a high from today. But this is a really big decision. CAPTAIN DAVE Will you keep it down? I'm on the horn with my ring guy. Hey Harry. It's Dave Pratman. I met another "the one." So give me the usual. Thanks buddy, and mazel tov right back at ya.