ALAN ALL ARTEM BERNARD BRYAN CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN FOOT_GUY NICHOLE PATRICIA PILOT READING_WOMAN RONNIE TALIA RONNIE Rock! Paper! Scissors! Shoot! Oh-ho! Rock beats scissors. I win. BERNARD These aren't scissors. It's how many months rent you owe me. RONNIE I was hoping it was you. That's not how this works. This is my boyfriend who called because he missed me. BRYAN Yes, that is totally the reason why I called, but also this. Is there anything you can do about that. RONNIE I'm sorry. I can't help. Jackpot's official position is, "You do you. We've seen worse." BRYAN Well if this is what I have to put up with to see you for the next three days, it's worth it. It's probably worth it. RONNIE It is. I'm so excited. This is your first time staying in LA with me. You finally get to see me in my element, outside of work. And once I peel off these sanitary gloves, it's all fun all the time. BRYAN You're not wearing gloves. RONNIE Oh, my God. I-I touched the bathroom door. FOOT GUY Can you believe this guy. PILOT Jackpot Airlines. Northeast-bound to Las Vegas. RONNIE Ah, thanks again for letting Bryan stay this week, Bernard. And, don't worry, we're barely going to be home. I have a jam-packed few days planned. Look. I have a list. BERNARD Paddleboarding? Hiking to the Hollywood sign? Yoga at Griffith Park? You don't do any of these things. RONNIE No, but they're things I want to do. Okay, fine. They're things I want to want to do. Look, this week is a big relationship test for me. Bryan is going to see my real life outside of this plane. I don't want to give off any red flags that might make him second-guess our whole relationship. BERNARD Yes, like when I first saw Tristan wearing flip-flops to dinner. Slide away, child. RONNIE I'm just trying to put my best foot forward. BERNARD Honey, I get it, but this ain't your foot. A linguine tour? That's not you. I mean, look, this whole list is written on an old Taco Bell receipt.a 1000 a.m. Taco Bell receipt. RONNIE Yeah, they serve breakfast now, Bernard. BERNARD You had three burritos and a cup of cheese. RONNIE Breakfast cheese. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey there, passengers. As we approach LA, a little reminder. Next time you're in Calabasas stop by Cala-basics, the destination for premium business casual ponchos. Half blanket and half shirt. They're the beautiful biracial baby of women's fashion. Check out a sample on our model in the aisle. CAPTAIN DAVE How'd you like the plug for your store, babe? PATRICIA Loved it. Next time, could you mention our new Frances McDormand signature collection of shapeless apparel for middle school art teachers? CAPTAIN DAVE Anything for you. I'll call you when I land. ALAN Hey! Can I keep this? It hides all my problem areas. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. Patricia has a such an eye for sensible cover-wear. ALAN Hmm. CAPTAIN DAVE God, she's amazing. Alan, can I tell you a secret? ALAN Do not blow this, Alan. Yes. CAPTAIN DAVE I think Patricia might be the one. ALAN But I thought the sky. CAPTAIN DAVE is my first love? She was, but let's face it, Alan, that's just stuff losers say when they're not getting laid. COLIN Ooh, I've heard that's a good book. Ask me, did I ever read Joan Didion? READING WOMAN Okay. Have you ever read Joan Didion? COLIN Ask me, did I ever read Joan Didion? READING WOMAN Did you ever read Joan Didion? COLIN No, I Didion't. Hi, I'm Colin.and of course I did. NICHOLE Colin, what's up? That's the third woman I've seen you talk at today. You can't blitz on every down, man. COLIN I know, I'm just. I'm trying to put myself out there a bit more. You know, I haven't met anybody in ages, and I can't keep holding out for Ronnie. NICHOLE Smart move. And I'd lock down somebody quickly. British men age like that Hemingway quote, "slowly, then all at once." COLIN Ooh! Ask me, did I ever read Hemingway? NICHOLE Do you want to die alone? RONNIE I think he's gonna. Oh, Bernard! I was thinking, and you were right. I want to show Bryan the best version of me, but none of the things I planned were actually me, so I talked to Nichole, and she knew exactly what I needed. NICHOLE A new bra. BERNARD Finally! NICHOLE Right? RONNIE No! The other thing, a dinner party! NICHOLE Oh! BERNARD At my house? No, thank you. RONNIE Bernard, I need to do something where I can be relaxed and confident and I cannot spend the next few days pretending I like going to those art zoos. NICHOLE Museums. BERNARD Museums. RONNIE It'll be small and tasteful. I promise. Just a few friends that I want Bryan to meet. BERNARD All right, I will allow this party. You may invite your gaggle of Kelseys and Callies and other girls whose names pumpkin when they turn 30. RONNIE Yay! We're gonna have a dinner. NICHOLE You still need a new bra, though. CAPTAIN DAVE This dinner party sounds great. What time do you need me? RONNIE Oh, I'm sorry, Dave. I'm trying to keep this separate from work. CAPTAIN DAVE Come on, Ronnie. Tonight was gonna be the night I ask Patricia to be exclusive. I want it to be special and in front of people required to applaud, because I'm their boss. RONNIE Okay. Dave, you're invited, but please do not do that thing where you wear to much cologne. CAPTAIN DAVE It's not too much. It's too many. I layer musk, citrus, sandalwood, musk, musk. ARTEM Hey, Nichole. I waited all week. Why have you still not responded to my email? NICHOLE I didn't get an email from you. What did you send me? ARTEM A screenplay! Turns out some of my juices are creative. I've written a movie. NICHOLE Mm-hmm. ARTEM and, as a friend, I would like you to read it. NICHOLE I would be honored. Send it to me again. Do you have my right email? ARTEM Nichole@email.stripper NICHOLE No. That's not my or.anyone's email. ARTEM Email.stripper@Nichole NICHOLE That's even further. RONNIE I can't wait for you to meet my friends! Callie works at this fancy Italian market, so you can talk about how everyone mispronounces "mozzarella" or whatever. BERNARD It's actually moo-tza-rell. RONNIE Can you just.give me one minute? BRYAN Yeah, I got to wash the Jackpot off my hands anyway. RONNIE Nichole! Kelsey and Callie just texted me. They're not coming. They both came down with a case of greyscale. BRYAN That's a rare disease from a fake world. What a terrible lie. RONNIE To be fair, it's the same lie I used to get out of both their baby showers, but what am I gonna do? They were my most interesting friends. I needed them for cultured conversation. Bernard, will you talk to Bryan about cheese? BRYAN I will scream at Bryan about cheese! NICHOLE Wait, I have an idea. C-Colin? What are you doing tonight? COLIN Funny you should ask. Some online pals and I plan to debate who's the best Doctor from Doctor Who. NICHOLE Instead, you should come to Ronnie's dinner party and talk about literally anything else. COLIN Oh, a dinner party. The modern day salon, as it were--a meeting of minds and mouths. NICHOLE Nevermind. COLIN No, no, please let me come. I'd like to come. ARTEM Did I hear something about a party of dinners? I assume I am invited, because you can't spell "party" without "Arty." RONNIE Oh I don't know, Artem. I'm not sure it's your scene. ARTEM Yeah, right. I only swam across two oceans to get to America, so, yeah, I guess I'm not a very interesting dinner guest. RONNIE Okay. Okay, fine! You can come tonight, Artem. ALAN Did you say Artem or Alan? RONNIE Artem. ALAN Okay, because it sounded like you might have said Artem or Alan. RONNIE It was Artem. ALAN 'Cause there's a lot of similarities between Artem and. BERNARD You know damn well she said Artem! RONNIE Okay, it's fine. You can come tonight. ALAN Yes! RONNIE You can all come. Just figure out what you're gonna bring. NICHOLE Well, we have our guest list. RONNIE What are you doing? BERNARD Calling pharmacies to see if they Purell by the keg. BERNARD I have to admit, I'm impressed. You have hors d'oeuvres, tasteful napkins, and you showered and didn't just dump baby powder on your roots. RONNIE You see that, Bernard? I'm a regular Barefoot Contestant. Uh, will you excuse me? RONNIE You-You don't have to drink Artem's wine. I've got fancy stuff. BRYAN No, it's-it's okay. It's Diane Keaton's new wine. Look, there's a cute little turtleneck. ARTEM Hey, did you ever see Something's Gotta Give? It's a wonderful movie about Diane Keaton's kitchen dream. BRYAN No, no, no. That's It's Complicated. Something's Gotta Give is where she dates her daughter's ex-boyfriend. ARTEM Oh, that is complicated. BRYAN No, no. It. You know what? Just pour me some more wine. All the way to the top. ARTEM It's good. RONNIE Hey! Welcome to my. BERNARD RONNIE Bernard's apartment! COLIN Oh, what a smashing flat! Good show, Bernard. RONNIE What is that? Why are you playing up the British thing? There it is. You brought a date. COLIN Well, I wasn't planning on it, but, uh, then Talia and I had a cinema-quality meet-cute, and, uh, here we are. RONNIE Ah, where'd you meet? COLIN Just on an app. RONNIE Mmm, Tinder? Bumble? TALIA Uber. I drove him here. Mint. PATRICIA Thank you for vote, Councilman. As the Deputy Mayor, I'm taking the lead on this, and I don't forget my friends. Sorry about that. CAPTAIN DAVE Ah. PATRICIA We have a big vote tomorrow about whether to start watering the Calabasas medians with potable water. Some people just love drinking from sprinklers. CAPTAIN DAVE Not me. I think all water's gross. So, I've been meaning to ask. We might some new people tonight, and I wasn't sure. PATRICIA You can call me your girlfriend, Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE Yes! I guess that makes tonight our coming out party. Let's show Bernard how it's really done. PATRICIA Oh, I'm vibrating. Can you hold this one second? CAPTAIN DAVE Uh, yeah. Hey, you think tonight we could just put our phones away and.focus on us? PATRICIA Absolutely, Dave. Tonight, I am all yours. NICHOLE ARTEM Nichole! Do not keep me in suspense. Have you read the script? NICHOLE Uh-huh. ARTEM Uh-huh. Hey, wait! Can you tell me what was your favorite part? NICHOLE Well. ARTEM Oh, yes! The well! Oh, that is a good scene, and I know just the well to shoot it in! What else did you like? NICHOLE Artem, I have to be honest, I didn't like any of it. After I read it, I actually deleted it off my phone and then switched carriers so it couldn't find me. ARTEM You read it on your phone? Oh, that's the problem. And it's not meant for the little screen. You must read it on the big screen. NICHOLE The screen wasn't the problem, Artem. It didn't make any sense. ARTEM But it's based on my life. NICHOLE There were werewolves in it. ARTEM Yeah, that was embellishment. In real life it was just dog man. RONNIE Ah, I'm sorry Artem. I need to steal her. ARTEM Yeah. NICHOLE Thank God! RONNIE Um Dave is here with your mom. Does she still think we're dating, because I have guests to entertain, dinner to prepare I can't be a fake lesbian on top of all that. NICHOLE Don't worry. I told her we broke up a while ago. RONNIE Oh! Good. NICHOLE I said your drinking was out of hand and that you were a selfish lover. RONNIE Well, maybe the drinking just makes me tired. BERNARD Ronnie. BERNARD Not judging, but when does the dinner part of this dinner party start? We're our of hors d'oeuvres. Artem ate all the blankets off the pigs. ARTEM Now I'm full, and you are cold. RONNIE We can eat now. I just have to heat up dinner. It'll take five minutes. I got Blue Apron. BERNARD To be clear, do you think there's a fully cooked dinner in that Blue Apron box? RONNIE Yes. It's a gourmet meal delivery service, Bernard. BERNARD Wait. Before you open that, let me grab my wine. Okay. Proceed. RONNIE What the hell is this?! BERNARD Yes, this pairs very well. RONNIE You have to cook?! No! I thought this came already prepared. Why the hell would I pay to cook my own dinner? I don't have time for this. BERNARD You are sleeping with a chef. RONNIE No. I can't ask him to help. This-This whole thing was to prove that I am responsible and sophisticated and I'm fine. You go stall an entertain Bryan, while I put all this together. BERNARD Stall? Ronnie, I don't stall. When I entertain it's an event, a sacrament, an occasion. At worst, a moment. PATRICIA CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, Alan, can you give us a sec? Patty and I are gonna take our first official relationships selfie. It's our social media debut. PATRICIA Aw. ALAN Oh. PATRICIA Hold on. Let me fix my hair. As a public figure, I have to look appropriate and hide my hands so no one Photoshops a penis into them. CAPTAIN DAVE Ugh. Disgusting. We can shoot a car into space, but we can't think of a better place to Photoshop a penis? PATRICIA Oh, sweetie. Come here. Get in this picture. She's a big hit with the base. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh. PATRICIA Here we go. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah, sure. NICHOLE Hi. PATRICIA Hi. Oh, Bernard! Come here, come here. He checks off a lot of boxes. BERNARD What the hell am I doing here? PATRICIA Just smile for the camera. BERNARD Oh. Why didn't you say so? CAPTAIN DAVE I-It's hard to get all four of us to fit. PATRICIA Just this way a little bit. Perfect. Nice. BERNARD Your skin is incredible. PATRICIA Oh, thanks. BERNARD I like the BERNARD Oh, my God! What happened to the dinner? RONNIE The recipe was gonna take too long, and I don't know what to do with a game hen. So I'm just doing what we do in Bakersfield and turning a bunch of things into a casserole. BERNARD Ronnie, that looks like something already ate it. RONNIE I know. That's why I need your help. Grab some of that food. Try to make it look like a salad. BERNARD Avocado. Honey. Oatmeal. Where'd you get all this from? RONNIE I raided your beauty drawer. BERNARD My quail eggs. RONNIE I also raided your earthquake kit. BERNARD My preserved quail eggs! RONNIE Sorry, Bernard. Don't be mad. BERNARD Well not I can't get mad. I don't have anything to smooth the lines. ARTEM Hey. Bryan, tell Nichole what you just told me. BRYAN Please don't come into the bathroom while I'm using it. ARTEM No, after that. You see, I told him the idea of my movie and he said. BRYAN Sounds interesting. Please get out. ARTEM Interesting, like the movie Get Out. NICHOLE Artem, I didn't like it. I thought friends were supposed to be honest. ARTEM Friends are supposed to focus on the positives. Like when I tell Bryan, "Oh, that's a nice shirt," but never ask, "Why stupid bracelet?" NICHOLE Well. BRYAN I was just trying to pee. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, Patricia. So, we never actually got to take that picture before, if you want to take it now. No big deal. Full disclosure, I want to. It's a big deal. PATRICIA Oh. You're right. Let's do it. Let's take it. Right now. Um Oh, my God. We lost two more votes. My non-potable bill is not gonna pass. I'm sorry. I have to deal with this. ALAN I'll take a picture with you, Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE Shut up, Alan. All right, two regular, one silly. COLIN Okay, and this is my children's book Fish and Chips. It's two cops, Carl Fish and Wesley Chips. TALIA That's so cute. Are you happy with the temperature? I can make it warmer. COLIN I'm good. And now here they are uncovering a cash of stolen art. The twist it, you see, that Chips is the fish. TALIA Oh, your battery's almost dead. Here, I have a charger. COLIN Oh. NICHOLE Hey, Colin. I don't want to be a bummer, but I've been watching your date. Are you sure you're her date, and not still her passenger? COLIN Yeah, of course it's a date. Or do you see any entry level hybrids around here? NICHOLE Okay. But I'd check the app if I were you, because she's being tip-conscious level nice, and you're cute, but not "pick up an Uber driver" cute. COLIN Thank you for the ego bruising concern, but I've- NICHOLE TALIA Tiny water? RONNIE Okay, Bernard, what do you think? BERNARD It needs more eye cream. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, we need to talk. RONNIE Oh, don't worry, Dave. Dinner will be ready any minute. CAPTAIN DAVE No, I came to say we have to delay dinner. Patricia is still on the phone. Tonight has been a bust. You seem like you're really stressed. Why don't you put all that stuff down and focus on me? COLIN Ronnie, quick question. I'm trying to log on to my Uber account for, um, nothing, but I can't seem to get a Wi-Fi signal. RONNIE Yeah. Bernard doesn't allow any type of wave in the apartment. He says it's bad for aging. BERNARD Well, not we're eating the last line of my defense, so just put the cell tower right on my face. RONNIE Okay, if you're not in the kitchen helping, could you please leave? ARTEM Ronnie. You have me sitting next to Nichole, so I need to switch seats. RONNIE What is the problem now? ARTEM She doesn't respect me as a friend nor as an artist. NICHOLE Oh, so you're an artist now. ARTEM Yes. You can't spell “artist” without “Arty.” NICHOLE Fine. If you want to be a baby about this, then I don't want to sit next to you either. Colin, will you switch seats with me? COLIN Oh, no, I'm sorry. I have a window seat. I don't like the middle. RONNIE Hey, Dave, why don't you deal with this? CAPTAIN DAVE I'm sorry, everyone. I know you are all hungry and want to get our food, but there's been a minor delay. We're still waiting on Patricia to come in from the hall. Once she's arrived at her seat, we'll have this dinner up and running. RONNIE No. There will be no delay. NICHOLE Um, Ronnie. BERNARD Oh, Dame Judi Dench! RONNIE Oh, no! Why didn't the smoke detector go off? ALAN Oh, I tempered with and/or disabled it so I could smoke a J. CAPTAIN DAVE Alan, weed? Really? The deputy mayor of Calabasas is out there, man. BRYAN Is everything all right? RONNIE Oh, i-it's fine. I have everything under control. TALIA Is the smoke bothering you? Should I open a window? COLIN Ronnie, I really need that Wi-Fi. ALL RONNIE Oh, everybody get out of here! We are cancelling this flight! NICHOLE Flight? RONNIE Oh, my God. That's what this is. Bernard and I serving you while dealing with your problems. Trying to manage Dave, getting complaints about Wi-Fi. COLIN Yeah, for normal reasons. A sports game. RONNIE I wanted to throw this dinner party to show Bryan my life, and I guess this is it. It's one never-ending flight. Well, I have to put up with that at 30,000 feet, but I don't have to do it here. And I can finally do something that I have always wanted and just leave. BERNARD Ha! She thinks that was a dramatic exit. This is a dramatic exit. CAPTAIN DAVE Bernie does it again. BRYAN Hey. Can I hid in here with you? Artem's trying to lighten the mood by acting out scenes from his movie. It's an action musical, in case you were wondering. I'm still not sure what language it's in. RONNIE I'm sorry about tonight. I wanted to show you this other side of me, but I realized I'm out of sides. Right now you get the choice between two Ronnies the Ronnie who spends 60 hours a week in the sky fixing other people's problems, or the Ronnie so exhausted from doing that, she can't even finish this heartfelt whatever. BRYAN Well, let me finish this heartfelt whatever. Those are the only two Ronnies I need. RONNIE Oh, good. Because we both like you, too. BRYAN Also, I was hoping to get the recipe for that casserole to serve at my restaurant. RONNIE Really? No. BRYAN No. No. Oh, I thought you would laugh at that. But seriously, we need to figure out what else to feed all these people. RONNIE Dinner tonight will have an international flare. Special thanks to Bernard for allowing this many carbs and saturated fats into his home. BERNARD Yes. I've always enjoyed eating foods that are given out for free at the teen mix free throws. BRYAN Well, I think it's great. And don't worry, I'll handle beverage service. RONNIE Oh. TALIA I have to use the restroom. Is there a specific way you want me to go? COLIN Oh, that's- PATRICIA Yeah, I'm just curious. Have you ever been waterboarded with non-potable water? NICHOLE Welcome to my childhood. CAPTAIN DAVE How did you manage it? NICHOLE You can't play games. If you want to get anywhere with my mom, you have to be focused, direct and honest. CAPTAIN DAVE Doesn't she still think you're a lesbian? NICHOLE Don't be a dick, Dave. Hey, Artem. So, I'm really sorry about before. ARTEM Oh, Nichole, I'm sorry. I-I know, I overreacted. I asked you for your honest opinion and thank you for giving it to me. NICHOLE Thank you for letting me read it. It takes guts to show your art to somebody. Which actually you inspired me to show you something creative I've been working on. Uh, they're sketches from when I was interested in fashion. I've been playing with dress designs. What do you think? ARTEM Uh, you want my honest opinion, or supportive friend opinion? NICHOLE The second one. ARTEM I love them. TALIA What is it? COLIN Okay, look. Do you want me in the front or the back? That's not a euphemism. It's just, if I sit in the front, this was a date. If I sit in the back, it was just a really long ride. TALIA No, of course it was a date. I stopped charging you as soon as you asked me in. COLIN Fantastic! TALIA So, do you want to go back to you place? COLIN Okay, just to be clear, are you asking as an Uber or. TALIA I'm asking as a woman who'd like to take your clothes off. COLIN In that case, I will take a mint. RONNIE So, you make dinner for people every night. Not even people, strangers. That's your job. BRYAN Worse than my job, it's my passion. RONNIE Seems terrible. I think my dinner party days are over. BRYAN Well, maybe you'll have better luck with them at our apartment. RONNIE What? BRYAN I've been thinking, I want you to move to Las Vegas and live with me. BERNARD Ronnie, I'm stepping out. But if the doorbell rings, please answer it. It's my interior designer Lamar Bougelais. He'll be burning everything. PATRICIA Thank you. Good news. We got the votes. Ah, those hose water junkies are gonna have to pay for their water, like nature intended. CAPTAIN DAVE Honestly, Patty, I don't care how potable your water is, all I wanted was one picture with you. And you couldn't even give me that. I thought tonight was about us taking a step forward in our relationship. PATRICIA Look, my job comes first. Of all people, I thought you'd understand. You and the sky. CAPTAIN DAVE I'm ready to put the sky aside for you. And I thought you would do the same for me. PATRICIA I'm sorry, I can't do that. I mean, I like the way my life is right now and how you fit in it. CAPTAIN DAVE I don't waste my time being a co-pilot in your life. I don't think this is gonna work. Good-bye, Patricia. That was fast. COLIN Hey, Dave. She missed out on a lot of fares tonight, so, um. CAPTAIN DAVE Who cares? Take me to the nearest high school. I'm gonna lie in the 50 yard line and talk about where it all went wrong.