ALL ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE CAPTAIN_JADEN CARTER COLIN EXECUTIVE FLIGHT_ATTENDANT2 FLIGHT_ATTENDANTS FLIGHT_ATTENDANT_2 GATE_AGENT JESSE LEILA MAN NICHOLE OLD_LADY OTHER_PILOTS PASSENGERS PHIL RONNIE TECHNICIAN RONNIE Hey, guys. ARTEM Ronnie, where's your uniform? You look like a pheasant. NICHOLE You mean peasant. She looks like a peasant. Pheasant is a bird. ARTEM I'm so confused. When I was a boy, we used to hunt both. RONNIE I'm not working today. Actually, me and Bernard and Dave are flying over to Phoenix for Jackpot training. COLIN Huh. Jackpot training. What, you need a refresher on how to tip a can when you pour a drink? BERNARD Are you sure you want to be that condescending to the people who pour you those drinks? COLIN I instantly regretted it. I'm truly sorry. You're a national treasure. RONNIE Mm-hmm. Yeah, to be honest, it's called training, but it's really two days of partying, drinking out of ice luges. BERNARD And sexual assignation. Last year, we went through two Olympic villages worth of condoms. RONNIE Mm-hmm. You see, Jackpot doesn't do things like bonuses, or health insurance, or bathroom breaks, so this is their unofficial way of making it up to us. NICHOLE Grapefruits' training is just a few dance lessons and how to say "help" in Russian in case you wake up in a shipping container. BERNARD Hmm. CAPTAIN DAVE I can see by your sad faces you've been delivered the bad news. Your flight today will be lacking a certain Je ne sais Dave. That's French for moi. Come on, fellas. We got a party to get to. COLIN Did he just drive way on his suitcase? ARTEM Wow. It carries your stuff and you can ride it. Sorry, donkeys. You had a good run. CAPTAIN DAVE Check all your lights. Northeast bound to Las Vegas. RONNIE This couldn't be coming at a better time. After these last few months, I could use two says of guilt-free sanction partying. BERNARD Looks like you already started. What is that? RONNIE A Bakersfield mimosa. Sparkling wine and orange Jell-o mix. You want some? CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, you're using the purse I got you. BERNARD No, thank you, Ronnie. I want to be alert and clear-eyed for my pending rendezvous with flight attendant tonight and flight attendant tomorrow. I have no intention of learning their names. RONNIE Your loss. Dave? CAPTAIN DAVE No. I have a cigar and a snifter scotch waiting for me when I get upstairs to meet the boys. It's gonna feel real good to kick back, light one up and trade stories with Captain Gus and Captain Al. BERNARD Oh, look. There's your hallway back to the Golden Age for white guys. RONNIE Tell the misogyny we say hi. CAPTAIN DAVE I will. RONNIE I'm so excited, Bernard. I hear this year there's gonna be a martini station, a mash potato bar, and a surprising amount of those bummer desk chair things. BERNARD How the hell are we supposed to have sex on those? Never mind, I figured it out. RONNIE Hi. Hi, excuse me. You look official. What's going on? Where's the bar? LEILA Oh, sorry, Ronnie. Uh, there's not gonna be a bar this year. RONNIE Okay, so w-what are you saying? It's just kegs? LEILA No, what I'm saying is that the parties are off. Jackpot has had a significant number of complaints lodged against them this year, so they brought me in to implement a new policy. This training seminar is going to be structured, rigid and mandatory. Fun's over. BERNARD I'm gonna sulk in a sex desk. CAPTAIN DAVE It's Captain Dave time. CAPTAIN JADEN Are you the flight instructor? Hi, I'm Captain Jaden. CAPTAIN DAVE I'm not your- What's a Jaden? Where's Gus and Al? How come I'm not choking on cigar smoke right now? CARTER Hunter, Aden, Jaden, can we get this guy a chair and some water? His confused. Sir, it's going to be okay. PHIL Captain Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, Phil. Thank God. Did I walk into day care? Where's the crew? PHIL Sorry, Dave. I thought you heard. You're the last of the old guard. Now that Al's with United and Gus is reunited with his wife, you're training with all the newbies this year. CAPTAIN DAVE That's no problem. We're all pilots. We all speak the same language. Hey there, boys. Sorry for the confusion. What are you drinking over here? Macallan? Glenlivet? CAPTAIN JADEN Kombucha. CAPTAIN DAVE Gesundheit. COLIN So, I spoke to the gate agent. Apparently somebody tampered with the smoke detectors. NICHOLE It happens all the time. Usually Ronnie and Bernard just go in with a pack of Kools and smoke it back online. COLIN Huh. Well, clearly the replacement crew don't know that trick, so we're gonna be delayed a while. NICHOLE Hey, Artem, bad news. We're not making it back to LA any time soon. So you have to find someone to run your hot sauce booth at the farmer's market. ARTEM Shh. I'm concentrating. That slot machine has not paid out in weeks. And according to my numbers, in the next 200 spins there will be a huge payout. Yeah. COLIN And that payout is more than $100,000. ARTEM Well, the problem is that old lady. She hasn't moved for hours. She's very stubborn, like stain in a Tide commercial. NICHOLE Hey, if we help you get that machine, will you split the winnings with us? I could use the money. Grapefruits has really been struggling ever since that bowling alley went topless. COLIN Well, yeah. And I want to put a down payment on a house. Oh. I could be the rarest of unicorns a homeowner and an educator. ARTEM Okay, you got a deal. We can split the money, if you can get that old lady off. NICHOLE Well then we better get that lady off quick. COLIN Let's maybe stop talking about getting an old lady off. BERNARD I can't believe they're treating us like this. No one needs this party more than me. RONNIE Uh, I don't know, except maybe the person who does most of your work. BERNARD Jean Chris, my exfoliator? Please. He loves what he does. JESSE Hey, this is a bummer for everyone. We all needed this. FLIGHT ATTENDANT 2 Yeah. I'm furious. What am I gonna do with all these shrooms? RONNIE I think you ate them. FLIGHT ATTENDANT2 Oh, yeah. Well, what am I gonna do with all these shrooms? RONNIE Okay, that Jackpot Reno crew knows how to party. BERNARD Is terrifying. LEILA Everyone, take your seats. So, you've all heard about the revamped training. Up here you'll see the revised itinerary. FLIGHT ATTENDANTS LEILA We'll start every day 700 a.m. RONNIE Okay, I have to say something. This is total horse crap. We all work out asses off, and we deserve two days a year to enjoy ourselves. LEILA There have been quite a few co. RONNIE Complaints. Yes, I know. But news flash, we're an airline. Of course we're gonna have complaints. People hate lines, hassles and facing their own mortality. And we make them pay for all three. So we demand to know what was so bad that now we're being punished. ALL Yeah! LEILA Okay. I didn't really want to single anybody out, but since you demand to know. What caught our attention. Here it is. BERNARD Sir, I'm sorry. You won't stay in your seat, so you've given us no choice. Thank you for flying Jackpot. RONNIE 2 millions hits, though. Pretty cool. RONNIE Hey, guys. Wow, it is rough out here. No one will even look at us. BERNARD I know. Is this what it feels like to be a seven? Answer me, Ronnie. JESSE What are you doing? You can't sit here. RONNIE What, you're pissed at us, too? Oh, come on. Who hasn't had to duct tape a passenger to his seat? We were just unlucky enough to get caught. JESSE I've never been caught because I've never done that. BERNARD Yeah, because you fly the Albuquerque to Vegas. It's all stoic cowboys and rustic lesbians. RONNIE Well, we'll make it up to you. We'll have our own party. I'll make Bakersfield Marys. It's just vodka and ketchup. JESSE You should find somewhere else to sit. Why don't you try the Reno table? CAPTAIN DAVE And then Gus said, "I don't care if it's just my head and your boxers, I can still fly this plane," and they let him. It was a different time. CAPTAIN JADEN I-I I don't think I get it. So So he flew in his underwear? CAPTAIN DAVE No, my underwear. That's why it's such a good story. CAPTAIN JADEN Now, a good story is the time I flew from Newark to Dallas in 112, at a 39 wind shear. CARTER No. You didn't. Stop it. Tell me everything. CAPTAIN JADEN Yeah. I can't believe I haven't told you this. CARTER I would love to hear more. CAPTAIN DAVE You guys look like I feel. Well, not you, Bernard. You're always a stunner. RONNIE What happened to you? CAPTAIN DAVE Ugh. Just these young guys. They look at me like I'm a fossil. They don't appreciate my war stories. All they care about is their stats. They don't get that flying is about the shared human experience. No one has ever gotten off a plane and said, "Oh, I'm so glad we got here so quickly." RONNIE Yes, they have. BERNARD That's literally all people say. RONNIE At least everyone isn't pissed at you for ruining their party. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. Heard about that. So one person got duct taped, big deal. We never claimed to be the friendly skies. RONNIE I guess it's just the three of us versus the Jackpot world. We have to stick together till this is over. BERNARD Yeah. If we're gonna survive this, we need to be like Lew Wasserman and Joel Stein when MCA turned its back on them. I'm agreeing with you. We have to stick together. CAPTAIN DAVE For the love of God, man. Just say that! ARTEM Oh, we're now in payout window. Every spin could bring big money. COLIN Artem. I got this. I used to work in the British Tea Museum, and the median age was 82. I spent my days leading elderly ladies down chamomile scented halls, steeping them in the history of our national beverage and dusting their crumpets. NICHOLE I got lost in that story. Is he gonna bang that old lady? ARTEM Yeah. OLD LADY Hey! NICHOLE Get it. ARTEM Ah. Mwah. Nichole, you are the luckiest, both spiritually and genetically. You give her a pull. ARTEM No! COLIN What happened? TECHNICIAN Sorry about that. I was working on this machine, and I must've tripped the circuit. It'll just be a little while. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, this? It's just 1.2 pounds of time-keeping magic. It's my IWC Big Pilot's watch. The Rolex of wrist watches. CAPTAIN JADEN That's nothing. Take a look at this. This baby monitors my body temperature, monitors my serotonin levels. I can Bluetooth it to the on-flight computers so I can track my performance. You can probably even link it up to your hearing aid. OTHER PILOTS CAPTAIN DAVE Well, I have you know my hearing was injured from all my standing ovations I get from my LA to Vegas flight. Also, from my time as a roadie for The Huh, a Who cover band. CARTER Wait, you fly the LA to Vegas? CAPTAIN JADEN So d-do you know those two flight attendants that they caught on camera? CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. Ronnie and Bernard. That's my crew. CARTER CAPTAIN JADEN Oh, my God. Th-They seem crazy. You must have, like, a hundred stories. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, I might have one or two. There was one time when buried an unruly passenger under a pile of rolly bags. ALL CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, that's nothing. I've seen those two use defibrillator paddles to make a grilled cheese. ALL CARTER I'm lactose intolerant. CAPTAIN JADEN We all are, Carter. Shut up. He's holding court. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah, shut up, Carter. ALL GATE AGENT Sorry for the delay. Jackpot flight 1610 service to Los Angeles is now boarding. PASSENGERS COLIN That's out flight! Sir, how much longer before that machine gets fixed? TECHNICIAN Hey, these things take time, man. COLIN Well, then that's it. Yeah. Let's go home. So much for being a unicorn with a mortgage. Guess I'm back to being a horse who rents. NICHOLE We can't give up. Since the delay, we're out $72 on overpriced airport hamburgers, $21 on water bottles, and $11 on Artem's Judith Krantz book. ARTEM Yeah. They say her books are formulaic, but when the formula is perfect. NICHOLE We're in too deep. We started something, and we have to finish it. I say we ditch the flight and wait for the machine to be fixed. Who's with me? ARTEM I am. COLIN Is this really going to hit? ARTEM Oh, it's gonna hit big. COLIN Then I'm in. Who has a fun way to pass the time? ARTEM COLIN Ah. ARTEM "It was never more difficult for a woman to be beautiful than during the 1920's." RONNIE Hey, why do you think Leila just called us in for this meeting? BERNARD Whatever it is, just deny. Like Bjorn, my Swedish orthopedist, does to our love. LEILA Ronnie. Bernard. We would like to have a little chat with you about some of the stories that we have been hearing. We had assumed the video was an isolated incident. EXECUTIVE But among other things, there's talk of smothering a passenger with luggage, and a culinary use of the defibrillators. LEILA What do you have to say for yourselves? BERNARD I. RONNIE We did every single one of those things, and I'd do every single one again. BERNARD I just realized I do not know this bitch. RONNIE When we're in the air, we have to act quickly for the safety of everyone. And sometimes that means grilling a cheese for a screaming kid. Or using 18 pounds of luggage for a woman who forgot her weighted blanket. LEILA We have protocol for things like that. RONNIE Well, protocol doesn't exactly help when you're breaking apart a bachlorette party fight between three girls named Jessica, because Jessica 2 forgot the penis pops. Bernard and I work on a flight that has monsters, and, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want us on that flight. You need us on that flight. Who's gonna do it? You? You, flight attendant Wineburg? LEILA You are both suspended until further notice. And when we return to Vegas tomorrow, a disciplinary committee will decide the best way to move forward with you. BERNARD I'd like to switch and become a star witness for the prosecution. CAPTAIN DAVE So it's always four cologne blasts. Two to the chest, one to the neck and one to the bean bag. It burns like hell, but let me tell you. RONNIE Hey, what the hell have you been saying about us? CAPTAIN DAVE What do you mean? BERNARD See he's smart enough to deny it. RONNIE Let me guess, all those young guys were making fun of your old man shoes, and you resorted to stories about us to get some laughs. CAPTAIN DAVE No. It was my old man watch. RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE And yeah I told some stories, but nothing that wasn't true. RONNIE You got us suspended. We are screwed now because you put yourself first like you always do. BERNARD To be fair, it's not all Dave's fault. You're the one who went rogue and started yelling at everyone. RONNIE Excuse me. At least I tried to do something to fix this. All you ever do is raise an eyebrow, cross your arms and wait for me to finish so you can pipe in a snarky comment. BERNARD Are you done? CAPTAIN DAVE Knew he was gonna do it. Still loved it. BERNARD Don't you take my side. I should go tell everyone all the crazy nonsense you do on the plane, but I won't because I know how insecure and desperate to be liked you are. CAPTAIN DAVE Thank you. RONNIE He just insulted you, Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE I know. How? BERNARD Now you're defending him? Please. You've been lying for years about not watching Game of Thrones so you don't have to deal with all his questions. CAPTAIN DAVE How could you? You know how bad I am with history. I had to read the books, and the books don't have boobs. RONNIE Well, maybe I'm just tired of you relying on me for everything. Both of you. You expect me to have the answers all the time, and I am sick of bailing you both out. BERNARD Oh, look. It's Ronnie the martyr. I didn't recognize you without your crown of thorns. CAPTAIN DAVE No spoilers. I haven't seen season seven. RONNIE I think I see the problem here. We've been flying together for way too long. We make a terrible team, and I don't know if I want to be a part of it anymore. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh. And cue Bernard's snarky comment. BERNARD No. This is one Ronnie speech I agree with. Even if her hair looks like something a goat sleeps on. COLIN Ah. Is the machine fixed yet? NICHOLE Not yet. COLIN I don't understand. How are you two still functioning right now? NICHOLE You're with a stripper and a gambler. 300 a.m. is the middle of the day for us. After this, we're going to get lunch. ARTEM Now transition into tadasana. Mmm. Garudasana. CAPTAIN DAVE So, we're almost halfway there. You want to do a little switch and let me jockey this thoroughbred? CAPTAIN JADEN I'm good. I've seen guys your age drive before, and I don't want to have the right blinker on for the entire flight, so. Just sit back and think about all the clothing you own that was made before I was even born. CAPTAIN DAVE Fashion cyclical, Jaden. RONNIE I am still not talking to you, but I wanted you to have this. It's from my white suede outfit you threw out. BERNARD Oh, please. You didn't even buy that outfit. You stole it from your mom. RONNIE No. The one I stole from my mom had a red wine stain. The one you threw out was payment from that lawn mowing nerd I fake dated to make popular. BERNARD Fine. Since we're doing this. This is a bill for two months back rent. RONNIE Okay, well these cancel each other out. So I'm just gonna tear this up, and now I'm gonna go be the hero and get our jobs back. RONNIE Look, Leila, I'm sorry about yesterday. I reacted badly. And if you were generous enough to lift our suspensions, moving forward, I promise that I will stick to protocol. What do you think? LEILA I'm sorry. I'm I'm just trying to figure out how you said all of that without a mouth. RONNIE What? Oh, no. Where did you get that cookie? JESSE We have an emergency. Leila accidentally ate a Reno cookie, and now she's high and she thinks she's a pirate. LEILA Land ho, Captain. CAPTAIN DAVE That's hilarious. I have a hanger in my carry-on, if she wants to do a hook thing. RONNIE It's not just Leila. The entire Reno crew is high. I'm not sure on what, but it has a very "cooked in a motel bathtub" vibe. JESSE This isn't funny. This is an emergency. CAPTAIN JADEN There are too many people in this cockpit. CAPTAIN DAVE Everyone relax. Bernie! CAPTAIN JADEN You're inviting more? CAPTAIN DAVE What's the sitch? BERNARD Seth is peaking, Allison's crying, and Skyleigh is trying to do a Die Hard crawl through the overhead vents. CAPTAIN JADEN We have to make an emergency landing. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, my little Jaden. That's the inexperience talking. You got this? RONNIE Piece of cake. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, wait. This is important. Save me one of those cookies. RONNIE I already have. CAPTAIN DAVE Nice. PASSENGERS RONNIE What the hell? JESSE I tried to make things better. I don't think I did. JESSE I tried to warm up a lavender eye mask to calm down Leila, and then this happened. RONNIE You never use the microwave. That's what the paddles are for. BERNARD I'll handle this, you handle them. RONNIE Let's get to work. CAPTAIN DAVE Now would be a good time for the Captain to reassure the passengers. CAPTAIN JADEN Hey, everyone. I I just want to let you know there's no reason to panic. We are. CAPTAIN DAVE What the hell are you doing? CAPTAIN JADEN I don't. CAPTAIN DAVE Never say "panic" to a plane full of passengers. This calls for the soothing, gravely whisper forged by a thousand cigars. Hey there, folks. Captain Dave here. I know we got a bit of an unexpected situation, but nothing we just don't call a Tuesday on the old LA to Vegas run. This whole thing actually reminds me of something Captain Papa Dave once told me. He said, "Son, do all the drugs you want, just don't do them with people from Reno. Because they're sickos." Now sit back, relax, and enjoy our decent to Las Vegas. I'm gonna go ahead and turn the fasten seatbelts sign off. Because it's gonna be a smooth landing. RONNIE Leila. Trust me. If you let you, you're not gonna float away. LEILA Good. Gravity's back. BERNARD Are you feeling better? LEILA I think so. Thank you. And I'm sorry, 'cause now I understand how your way of doing things can sometimes be just necessary. BERNARD And our suspensions? LEILA Never happened. RONNIE And the party? LEILA Back on next year. RONNIE We were thinking next Wednesday. BERNARD And we want a mash potato bar with one of those desk-chair combos, in a private room with a blind harp player. LEILA Whatever you want. No problem. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to go rub my face against that wall. Okay. NICHOLE Artem, hours ago you said, "Trust me. This thing is ready to pop." ARTEM Yeah, but earlier I was mistaken. But now believe me when I say trust me, this thing is ready to pop. COLIN You know what? I'm done. This- This is ridiculous. I can literally taste my own breath. ARTEM No, listen to me, my friend. Life is a slot machine. Sometimes you're wasting hours in a chair where nothing really happens, and sometimes things line up just in the right way, and just in the right moment and really seems like magic does exist after all. I hate you! Stupid machine! Stop embarrassing me in front of my friends! COLIN Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no, no, no, no. He's not worth it. NICHOLE Oh. Artem, no. There. stop it. RONNIE So. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. BERNARD Me, too. CAPTAIN DAVE Listen, I might not say it enough, but I want you both to know it's an honor to share the sky with you. And next time, I won't. RONNIE Yes, you will. But I will try really hard not to. CAPTAIN DAVE No, you won't. BERNARD No one interrupt me. I'm still gonna make smart ass comments, and they will sting. COLIN RONNIE Hey. What are you guys still doing here? You haven't flown home yet? COLIN It's a long story. Please, just get us back to LA. RONNIE Okay. Okay, come on. Let's go talk to a gate agent, get you on a flight. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, wow. Looks like someone just won the jackpot. NICHOLE Wait. Was that our machine? ARTEM Don't turn around. Never turn around. MAN The money! It won't stop coming! I'm rich!