AIR_TRAFFIC_CONTROLLER ALAN ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN CROWD JACK JACK_SILVER NICHOLE OLD_MAN PASSENGERS PILOT RONNIE TANNER WOMEN


RONNIE
Did I miss him?
BERNARD
Yes, that's why we're all standing here like fools, because he's already arrived.
RONNIE
Ooh. Someone's on edge. You back on those Norwegian diet pills?
CAPTAIN DAVE
We're all on edge, Ronnie. We're about to meet the owner of Jackpot Airlines. He's an actual billionaire.
RONNIE
I've never met a billionaire. Or a millionaire.
BERNARD
I used to love being around rich people, but now they're all just nerds riding fold-up bicycles.
RONNIE
It's crazy. This guy can change our lives or destroy us with a snap of his fingers.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Oh, no, no. Jack Silver isn't like that. He's not your standard snobby rich guy. He's self-made, chill and totally down to Earth. He's a recovering addict. He's on all 36 steps.
BERNARD
Twelve.
CAPTAIN DAVE
He's done it three times.
OLD MAN
I am not Jack Silver.
JACK SILVER
I am Jack Silver. Greetings, my Jackpot family.
CROWD

CAPTAIN DAVE
See? He's totally down to Earth.
RONNIE
What was that?
CAPTAIN DAVE
He's totally down to Earth!
PILOT
Check all your lights. Northeast bound to Las Vegas.
JACK SILVER
Hi, Jack Silver. Nice to meet you. Jack Silver.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Captain Dave. I'll be your pilot. It's my honor to be the man who gets to please you today.
JACK SILVER
Let me tell you something, Dave. Can I call you Dave? Of course I can, I own the airline. I could call you Tessa if I wanted to. Make you wear a baby bonnet, put a pacifier in your mouth and fly the plane that way. But I'm not gonna do that.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Thank you.
JACK SILVER
You see, Tessa, between us boys, today's flight is kind of a PR move. Show that I'm a man of the people. You know that I've been suffering a little bad press lately. Turns out one of my companies manufactures allergy pens in converted peanut factories. Man, that got people really mad. And sick, I guess.
CAPTAIN DAVE
When I was a kid, there weren't allergies. Just swollen days and unswollen days.
JACK SILVER
I got a good feeling about you, kid.
RONNIE
Mr. Silver. Hi. We just wanted to introduce ourselves. We're your flight crew today.
JACK SILVER
Oh. You guys are the heart and soul of the airline. That's why I look in-house when I hire crew from my private plane, Jack Force One. It's a heck of an opportunity. World travel, exotic locales, real expensive and real funky cheese. Play your cards right, who knows? One of you could be next.
COLIN
At the risk of sounding profoundly British, what's all this, then?
NICHOLE
Oh. Jack Silver, who runs Jackpot Airlines, is gonna be on our flight today. Artem's not happy.
ARTEM
Yeah, when I heard there's gonna be a celebrity on our flight, I put a bet on Michael Jackson.
COLIN
Um, he's dead.
ARTEM
Yeah, I know that now. I'm on a cold streak.
COLIN
There's no such thin as "cold streaks." Uh, you're more likely making poor bets. You have to select wagers that are pragmatic and mathematically advantageous. That is why, not to brag, I've yet to lose a wager.
NICHOLE
You think you're so smart because you've never lost a bet? I think Artem and I can come up with a bet you'll lose.
COLIN
Okay. Well, good luck. You know, I welcome the challenge. Also, did you really not know that Michael Jackson was dead?
ARTEM
Uh My internet was out for most of 2009. But it's working now.
BERNARD
What are you doing?
RONNIE
Nothing.
BERNARD
Don't lie to me. You reek of citrus and deceit.
RONNIE
Fine. I'm trying to impress Jack, okay? I read on his Wikipedia that his favorite drink is rainwater and lime.
BERNARD
Oh, Ronnie. Much like chunky jewelry, desperation is a bad look on you.
RONNIE
Really? Okay, well, what's in your bag? Well, well, well. If it isn't the pot calling the kettle bla- African American.
BERNARD
Let's just admit it, we both want that job. You get to travel the world, I can finally go to Morocco and deal with my rug trader in person. I know Umar is scamming me.
RONNIE
Bernard, you don't want to get into a competition with me. You know I do all the dirty work around here.
BERNARD
If Cher held your hand during her "Heart of Stone" world tour, you wouldn't use it to touch filthy duffle bags either.
RONNIE
Oh. Let's just ask Nichole. Nichole, who's a better flight attendant, me or Bernard?
NICHOLE
Come on, you guys. You're putting me in a really difficult- Bernard.
RONNIE
Wh--Are you serious?
NICHOLE
Bernard just makes it look so effortless. You're always running around all pissed and stressed and pit stain-y.
RONNIE
Yeah. That's because I'm the one actually doing stuff. You know, I can't believe you. We almost went to the Women's March together.
NICHOLE
You're the one that overslept.
RONNIE
Yeah. I said “almost.”
CAPTAIN DAVE
Captain Dave here. You know when you're on a roll at the tables, and you don't want to go to sleep, and your dealer's M.I.A.? Then do what I do. Get a B-12 shot, with Dr. Legit on level three of the Bellagio parking structure. Cash only.
BERNARD
What are you doing so close to a piece of meat you can't afford?
RONNIE
Oh, it's Jack's lunch. He personally asked me to prepare it for him. So it looks like all my hard work is finally gonna pay off, and I'll be the one traveling the world. Jet-setting from Bangkok to.
BERNARD
It should not take you that long to think of a second foreign city. Also, you're doing that wrong. You forgot the sauce.
RONNIE
There was sauce?
BERNARD
I love you, but this is my destiny.
RONNIE
No, hey! Give that back! It's okay. Five-second rule.
BERNARD
It's not okay. I've thrown away shoes that have touched this carpet. Just make another one.
RONNIE
There isn't another one. Jack's personal chef prepared it for him. He has a very sensitive stomach.
BERNARD
What do we do?
RONNIE
Okay, here. Just, um. There. Wipe it off. All right. Here we go. See? Good as new. It's like it never happened.
RONNIE
Mmm.
JACK SILVER
Thank you.
RONNIE
You see? All good. Crisis averted.
BERNARD
Crisis enlarged.
RONNIE
Oh! That's bad.
BERNARD
This is officially the first time I've ever hated being on camera.
JACK SILVER
You boys mind if I fly the friendlies with you for a while?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Mind? We'd be honored. Alan, get your ass up.
ALAN
Yes, sir. Have a seat, Mr. Silver.
JACK SILVER
Thank you. Ah, this takes me back to my old flying days. I still use a lot of lessons from back there like, "Wherever you go, always carry a gun and a parachute." And don't buy either from an Irish.
CAPTAIN DAVE
You're a fountain of knowledge I can't stop drinking from.
JACK SILVER
Well, you see, Dave. The secret to business and life is to underthink it, buddy. I talk about it all in my book, Underthink It, Buddy.
CAPTAIN DAVE
I loved that one. It was so brave to release a book with so many spelling errors.
JACK SILVER
What about you, Dave? You got any big swings left in those arms? What's your dream?
CAPTAIN DAVE
I'm living my dream. I'm a pilot.
JACK SILVER
If you're doing it awake, it can't be your dream. Come on. What is it?
CAPTAIN DAVE
I I don't know.
JACK SILVER
Let me underthink it for you. Your dream is to open a bar. You look like a guy that can swing drinks.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Oh, wow. I never knew it until this moment, but you're absolutely right. I can see it now. I'm pouring drinks, there's a band playing. My accountant comes in and says, "Captain Dave, you've run out of funds. We have to close the bar." But I say, "Wait, this is just the beginning of my dream. I never got to serve my signature drink
beer."
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER
Jackpot 1610, we got a call in for Jack Silver from someone named Tito.
JACK SILVER
Oh. It's my attorney. Hey, Tito. W-What's that now? Oh. Gonna be a ton of media waiting for me in Vegas. Okay, FBI is gonna be there, too. It's the allergy pen thing. I'm being indicted.
ALAN
Ooh, indicted? Like into the Hall of Fame?
CAPTAIN DAVE
No, that's inducted, stupid. Indicted means he's probably gonna be arrested.
ALAN
Oh, you should meet my dad. He's a lawyer. Oh, but he's in jail. Oh, but you could meet my dad!
RONNIE
Hey, buddy. I was just coming over to see if you need anything. Pretzels? Soda?
TANNER
Are you gonna rub them all over the floor first?
RONNIE
Oh, my God. You saw that? Cool, cool, cool. Uh, just wondering, when you had your phone up earlier, were you taping it?
TANNER
Obvi.
BERNARD
That's short for obviously.
RONNIE
Yeah, I know what it's short for.
TANNER
Once we land, and I get Wi-Fi, I'm posting this thing all over my social media.
BERNARD
Why would you do that?
TANNER
Because people love bad airline videos. I'm finally gonna go viral. I'm gonna dab with Ellen on daytime TV.
RONNIE
Quick side bar.
ARTEM
Okay, Mr. Brain Boy. Uh, we've been talking, and we have a bet for you.
NICHOLE
You think you're so good with math and probabilities, but we bet you can't predict what time this plane will land.
COLIN
Oh, dear. See, this is why I don't lose at bets. Because that is a bet I would never take. Here's why. Firstly, I have to control over the outcome. I'm not flying the plane. Secondly, there are too many variables
weather, wind speed, if Captain Dave forgot his keys again.
ARTEM
So much talking.
NICHOLE
Hey, that's a bet. We bet that you can only say 150 words for the entire flight.
COLIN

ARTEM
That's so good! Because he never shuts up. I'm gonna put $1,000 on that bet.
COLIN
Well, I am in control of what I say. So I will take that bet. You're on.
ARTEM
Okay.
COLIN
Poor choice of bets, my friend.
ARTEM
Oh, that's nine words.
COLIN
That was six.
ARTEM
Now it's nine! Ah, this is gonna be like taking shoes from baby. Don't you want to ask me what I do with those baby shoes? You should. It's pretty weird.
RONNIE
It's okay. Five-second rule.
RONNIE
We are screwed, Bernard. Why did you have to steal that steak from me?
BERNARD
Why'd you have to drop it? What's the point of your lumberjack hands if you can't hold on to anything?
RONNIE
You know what? The next time there's a bird loose in the house, you're catching it yourself.
BERNARD
It doesn't matter anyway. If we don't get that video back and he posts it, we're gonna lose our jobs.
RONNIE
Oh, man. The only think worse than working for Jackpot is being fired from Jackpot. I mean. What do you even do after that?
BERNARD
You work for Greyhound.
RONNIE
Oh, my God.
RONNIE
We have to get that video back.
BERNARD
We have to get that video back.
BERNARD
It's not okay. I've thrown away shoes that have touched this carpet.
CAPTAIN DAVE
The FBI clearly has the wrong man. Ugh. It's so easy to blame the white billionaires.
JACK SILVER
Eh, it's no big deal. A guy like me, being indicted is like a rite of passage, like buying your first Congressman.
CAPTAIN DAVE
That's so cool. Most guys would run away from that type of thing, but you face it head on, like a man.
JACK SILVER
You damn right. So let's turn this bird around and fly to Mexico. Like a man.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Wait, what?
JACK SILVER
Keep up, Dave. The police are waiting for me in Vegas. We can't go there. The sad truth is, there's only one place that a man of my stature can get justice in America, and that's Mexico.
CAPTAIN DAVE
I can't just fly all these people down to Central America.
JACK SILVER
Come on. It'll be an adventure. Two handsome fugitives on the run. We don't even have to learn Spanish. We'll just speak English louder.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Actually, I already habla Spanish, but no. This is un poquito crazy.
JACK SILVER
Dave, I didn't have to play this card, but I am your boss. There's two ways this can go Stay on course to Vegas, I fire you, or fly me to Mexico, and I bankroll your bar.
NICHOLE
Hey, Colin. I guess spilling your tea on that old lady really shaved some words off, huh? That was quite the apology.
COLIN
Yeah.
NICHOLE
63. You know, I recently heard a phrase, "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach." Do you have an opinion on that? Oh, I realized you never finished telling why economics is technically a romance language. He's holding up better than we thought.
ARTEM
Mm-hmm.
NICHOLE
Guess there's something new at Cambridge education.
COLIN
It’s Oxford! It was Oxford! I wouldn't be caught dead at Cambridge. Haven't you heard the song, "Cambridge, we're lame-bridge, we're Oxford's drainage?"
NICHOLE
Got you.
ARTEM
Got you good.
RONNIE
Hey, buddy. I don't know if you know this, but once we hit 30,000 feet, there's no age limit. So if you want a beer, we could totally work that out.
TANNER
Alcohol isn't even cool anymore. You know what is? Keeping all of your brain cells.
RONNIE
All right, let's get down to business, kid. Between the two of us, we have.
BERNARD
I've got $213.
RONNIE
We have exactly 200 bucks. I need to borrow $13.
TANNER
I don't want your money. My family is rich. We eat at Benihana even when it's not my birthday. You are never, ever getting this video back.
RONNIE
This is not fair. I have been working for this company for five years, and this is the moment that everyone's gonna see? No one notices that I work my ass off for this airline. I have sacrificed friendships, my health. Look what the altitude's done to my hair.
BERNARD
Damn. One of your split ends just shanked me.
RONNIE
Just once I would like a little recognition. A little credit. A genuine thank you.
BERNARD
Thank you.
RONNIE
I said genuine.
BERNARD
Thank you!
RONNIE
Your fake sincerity is scary good.
BERNARD
Thank you.

CAPTAIN DAVE
Ronnie, can we chat in my office? I've got a delicate situation. This is a highly sensitive matter, Bernard, or I'd invite you, too.
BERNARD
Thank you.
RONNIE
So, let me get this straight, Jack Silver's wanted by the FBI and offered to you buy a bar.
CAPTAIN DAVE
My lifelong dream.
RONNIE
if you agree to turn this plane around and fly him and all of our paying passengers to Mexico. And you're asking me if that's okay?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Yes, that's right.
RONNIE
Dave!
CAPTAIN DAVE
Fine, fine. I was hoping to get Fun Ronnie on this one, not Rules Ronnie. I know I can't actually do it. Damn it. I hate being right all the time.
RONNIE
Can we leave the bathroom now?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Oh, yeah. Sure.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Hey, Jack. I'm a little locked out. Can you let me in?
JACK SILVER
Sorry, man. No can do. I'm the Captain now, and we're headed to Mexico.
BERNARD
Jack hijacked the plane?
RONNIE
Shh. If the passengers hear that we've been hijacked, they'll freak out.


CAPTAIN DAVE
All right, let's calm down. Is this technically even an HJ? I mean, it's his plane. He owns it. You can't HJ yourself.
COLIN
I have to talk quickly while Nichole and Artem aren't watching. Please tell me what's going on. Should I be worried? What's with all the hush tones?
BERNARD
Okay, here's the update. That's 26 words, Artem.
ARTEM
You're down to five words.
COLIN
Et tu, Bernard?
BERNARD
He just used Latin. Does that count?
NICHOLE
Uh, that counts double.
ARTEM
Yeah, no more words for you.
RONNIE
Everything's fine. Just go back to your seat. Oh. Jack.
JACK SILVER
I just want to say thanks for being so cool about me taking the plane.
RONNIE
No one is cool about this. You can't just freak out every time you don't get your way and say, "Let's go to Mexico." You're not my dad after a custody hearing.
JACK SILVER
It's just a quick stop. You'll drop me off, and then you'll do whatever all this is.
RONNIE
Alan, can you hear me? You're the only one who can stop this. Do something!
ALAN
Okay. What did I miss?
BERNARD
Just an opportunity to prove your life matters.
ALAN
Wow. My horoscope was dead on this morning.
RONNIE
Oh, we should use the override code to get into the cockpit.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Ah, Jack changed it once he took over.
RONNIE
Oh, my God. Well, if that's the case.
CAPTAIN DAVE
How'd you do that?
RONNIE
The code was 1111. He underthunk it. That guy I should regular think, sometimes.
JACK SILVER
Hey. You guessed the code. You must've read my book.
RONNIE
Yeah. It wasn't a hard read. The last 20 pages were you just thanking your boats.
WOMEN

ARTEM
This must be hard for you, eh? Because you can't say anything, and I can say everything. So, have you been to Redondo Beach? I like Redondo Beach. Isn't Redondo a very funny word? Redondo. Redondo. Re-don-do. Re-don-do. Ree-don-do. Ree-don-doo. Ree-don-doo.
RONNIE
Jack. You can't take this plane to Mexico.
JACK SILVER
Let's talk about this when I get back from Mexico. There's nothing you're gonna say that's gonna talk me out of it. But I give you A for effort, and you make a heck of a steak.
RONNIE
Right. You're steak. There is something you should know about that, and your delicate tummy might not like it.
JACK SILVER

RONNIE
All right, someone go point us back to Vegas.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Hey, passengers. Sorry for the delay. We are now starting our descent. Flight attendants, please prepare for landing.
JACK SILVER
Well, that's my cue. All right. Hold that. It's been a strange flight. Mostly 'cause of me. I think it'd be better for everyone and mostly me, if I just left. Can I get that parachute back? Thanks, champ. You're easy to talk to.
ARTEM
What are you doing? Why making T? Oh! Ronnie, Colin wants his tea.
COLIN
Everybody, a man is about to jump off the plane.
PASSENGERS

JACK SILVER
I know you have a lot of choices when you fly. Thanks for flying Jackpot.
ARTEM
That was ten words. You lose the bet.
RONNIE
On behalf of Jackpot, we apologize for the incident on the plane. Please accept this $100 voucher for your next flight on any other airline.
NICHOLE
Hey, are you okay? That was really scary for all of us, so it must have been terrifying for you.
RONNIE
Jackpot lawyers will not let me confirm nor deny that our CEO jumped out of a plane, so legally I'm not allowed to feel any emotion about it.
NICHOLE
I know all about nondisclosures. I'm a finalist to be Tom Cruise's next wife. I'm not gonna do it, but they fixed my teeth. But the good news is, you didn't do anything, so they can't blame you.
RONNIE
No. But I'm still probably gonna get fired. That dumb kid took a narc-y video of me on the plane.
NICHOLE
That sucks. Maybe I can help. Here's the deal, kid. Delete that video of my flight attendant friends, and I'll pretend to be your girlfriend for the next three months.
TANNER
I already have a girlfriend. Her name is Kelsey, but she's a Mormon so she doesn't have a phone.
NICHOLE
Okay. Here's what I'm offering. One FaceTime a week, four flirty text messages, and you can pick one of three reason to break up with me
I'm too jealous, I'm too clingy, or I didn't laugh enough at Rick and Morty.
TANNER
Throw in one of your bras, and you got yourself a deal.
NICHOLE
No.
TANNER
Deal.
RONNIE
Ah. That was amazing. Thank you so much for doing that.
NICHOLE
Of course. You're the best, Ronnie. I didn't want to tell Bernard, but the only reason I fly Jackpot is 'cause you take care of me.

RONNIE
Oh, my God! You have no idea how bad I needed to hear that today. Thank you.
COLIN
A-Artem. Do not worry. I have been doing the math, and if I buckle down shoot to six kids a week, I will have your money in 68 months.
ARTEM
Don't worry. It's okay. I've wiped out your debt in my book. And I will also cover the loses for Nichole.
COLIN
What? Why would you do that?
ARTEM
It's my thank you to you, because I won my first bet in weeks. You have ended my cold streak.
COLIN
I I'm happy to help.
ARTEM
Besides, when I lost my first bet on a rigged chicken fight, I lost a lot of money, and my dinner. But my father, bless his heart, he covered my debt. So I thought, do the same for you.
COLIN
Thank you, Artem. You're not just a good gambler. You're a good man.
ARTEM
I'm your daddy now, Colin.
ALAN
Sorry you ended up with nothing.
CAPTAIN DAVE
I didn't end up with nothing, Alan. I realized my dream of opening a bar. That's a lot more than most people can say. I think I ended up with a lot.
ALAN
No, it seems like you ended up with nothing.
RONNIE
Good news, Bernard. Our national nightmare is over. Tanner deleted the video.
BERNARD
Oh, thank God. Now I can go back to fighting my real nemesis, Father Time. Ronnie, you deserve that job with Jack. You're the hardest working person on our plane. You make us all look better. So the next time an eccentric billionaire offers us a life-changing opportunity, I promise, in that one situation, to stand down.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Today was one for the books, my friends. To that crazy bastard. Jack Silver. Wherever he is. Finally free. Living it up. Not a care in the world. To Jack.
RONNIE
To Jack.
BERNARD
To Jack.
ALAN
To Jack.
JACK
Euch.