ALAN ALL ARTEM BERNARD BRIAN CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN CROWD DEVIL_GIRL NICHOLE NICHOLES_MOTHER OLDER_WOMAN PILOT RONNIE BERNARD All right. Let the heathens board. RONNIE Maybe you should check that compartment first. RONNIE Happy birthday. BERNARD You know I can't eat your supermarket trash. I need to keep it tight for my party tonight. This is a milestone birthday for me. RONNIE Right. Because you're turning furixty. BERNARD People much smarter than you have tried to figure out how old I am. And they have all failed. RONNIE Relax. Your parties are always incredible. They get better and better every year. BERNARD You think that's by accident? It takes work. You don't just throw together an avant-garde Bible-themed "Fashion of the Christ" costume party. Speaking of which, what's the costume? RONNIE Uh, well, I was thinking of being a sexy Rachel from Laban, Genesis 2916. It's a deep cut. BERNARD No deep cuts! Stick to the hits. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey there, team. Enough chitchat, Bernie. Let's get to work. Two choices I've got sexy Nebuchadnezzar. Or sexy Goliath. I'm leaning towards Goliath because it shows off my thighs, and they're my second best feature. Meaty but lean, like a fine turkey chili. BERNARD Goliath will be fine. CAPTAIN DAVE Yes. BERNARD RONNIE There was no trash in there. It was a clean bag. PILOT Check all your lights. Northeast bound to Las Vegas. NICHOLES MOTHER Marsha Gimble is arguing that the commons doesn't need a car charging station. Honey, sit up straight. COLIN Ah, good afternoon. NICHOLE Hi. I'm Nichole, we've never met before. I'm on my way to Las Vegas for the very first time because my mother surprised me with backstage passes to Celine Dion. She's very well-connected because she's the Deputy Mayor of Calabasas, and frowns upon almost everything. It's nice to meet you. COLIN You, as well. And she was the normal one. CAPTAIN DAVE Are you tired of the same old restaurant experience? Then do what I do, and head down to Broth, Vegas' finest new eatery. Where everything's soup, including you. Because the dining room's a Jacuzzi. COLIN Hey, hey, hey. Is Bernard all right? I just wished him a happy birthday, and he said, "Why can't people just say 'Merry Christmas' anymore?" RONNIE Yeah. He's distracted today. He's just a little wound up about his party. COLIN Bernard can get wound? Ugh. I've only ever seen him be like. You know what, that's probably not an impression I should be trying. RONNIE Yeah, he just gets so worked up trying to top himself every year. Honestly, he probably shouldn't even be working today. OLDER WOMAN Oh, excuse me? I'm a very nervous flier. BERNARD Congratulations. RONNIE So you're coming tonight, right? COLIN No. No, I'm still going through this divorce nonsense. And Megan is determined to make the whole thing as ugly as possible. I mean, I married a magician's assistant, and now she's making all my possessions disappear. RONNIE Well, that's exactly why you should come. It'll take your mind off of it. We'll drink. We'll take pictures. I will help you pretend you're happy. The best revenge is an act of social media. COLIN Right now I am just using it to follow majestic boats and this adorable corgi. Oh, my God, he died? Piper. RONNIE So, party then? COLIN Yes. It's what Piper would have wanted. He loved parties. NICHOLES MOTHER So, how are classes going this semester? NICHOLE They're good. Actually, I have a friend who got me interested in Econ, so I'm thinking about may. NICHOLES MOTHER Oh, sorry.Hold that thought. Got to go use the little Deputy Mayor's room. ARTEM So, let me guess Your mother surpised you with a trip, but she doesn't know you're a stripper who always take this flight. What a big pickle you have become. NICHOLE How did you know? ARTEM Well, I have seven senses. I can detect lies and ghosts. NICHOLE Uh, I want to tell my mom the truth, but she just wouldn't understand. She's an old school feminist. I wasn't allowed to wear dresses growing up because, quote, "Mary Tyler Moore fought hard for our right to wear pants, and we have to honor that." ARTEM I understand your hesitance. Now, if there's anything I can do to make your first visit to Las Vegas more enjoyable, just let me know. NICHOLES MOTHER Hello, I'm her mother. ARTEM Oh, I thought you were younger sister. NICHOLES MOTHER Cute. ARTEM Yeah. NICHOLES MOTHER We're good. Thank you. CAPTAIN DAVE I'll tell you, Alan, I cannot wait for Bernard's party. This is the tush event of the season. ALAN Oh! Think you'll do another late night pawn shop engagement ring run? CAPTAIN DAVE No. I'm out of the relationship game for good. I already have my one true love, and that's the sky. That's right. This bee ain't looking for a queen. Tonight he's all about the honey. ALAN To The party's tonight? But it's my bowling championship. You promised that if I advanced, you would come. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, you advanced. And hopefully, I will. ALAN No, I'm not gonna report it. I'm just saying it was a gross joke. CAPTAIN DAVE I'm sorry, Alan. NICHOLES MOTHER Excuse me. I need to speak to somebody about this flight. CAPTAIN DAVE Hi. Captain Dave. Go ahead and mainline that praise right to me. NICHOLES MOTHER Oh, the "praise"? For the lack of storage space? Or the uncomfortable seats? Or the white-knuckle landing? I mean, the autopilot could have done a better job. CAPTAIN DAVE Maybe. But let's see the autopilot take breakdancing classes at the Y. NICHOLES MOTHER This is a terrible airline. CAPTAIN DAVE I'll have you know that Jackpot is ranked number one in completed customer surveys. We're first-class. All the way. Just ask Nichole. NICHOLES MOTHER How do you know Nichole? CAPTAIN DAVE She's one of my regulars. NICHOLES MOTHER One of your? What is he talking about? NICHOLE Um.Okay, Mom, I haven't been totally honest with you. The truth is Captain Dave knows me because he's my boyfriend. CAPTAIN DAVE If I look surprised, it's because I didn't think we were using labels yet. NICHOLES MOTHER This man is your boyfriend? NICHOLE Yep. Uh, it's only been a few weeks. You know, we were nervous to tell you, for obvious reasons. Because he's so, so old. CAPTAIN DAVE It's still very early. Very early. NICHOLES MOTHER Uh, it's just, I'm It's It's so unexpected. I-I just don't, I don't know what to say. NICHOLE Oh, why don't you think about it, while you get your bag? NICHOLES MOTHER Yeah. CAPTAIN DAVE I don't like to be squeezed. NICHOLE Look, she doesn't know, Mr. Burt. Just pretend to be my boyfriend for five minutes. It'll be the fastest relationship of your life. CAPTAIN DAVE No, it won't. NICHOLE Hey, Mom. Well, I'm glad you two got to meet. We should probably get going. NICHOLES MOTHER Oh, no, hold on a second. I just met your boyfriend. I'd like to get to know him better. Would you like to join us for dinner, Dave? NICHOLE Oh, he can't. He has a coworker's birthday party. Yeah. NICHOLES MOTHER Oh, sounds fun. We'll tag along. NICHOLE It's a Bible thing, we'd have to have a costume. NICHOLES MOTHER Nichole, I'm your mother. If I want to get to know your boyfriend better and dress up like Jesus of Nazareth, that's what we're doing. CAPTAIN DAVE Your mother is terrfiying. NICHOLE Yeah. Well, you don't get to the top of municipal local politics without busting a few balls. CAPTAIN DAVE Mm. COLIN Wow. For my birthday I usually get a hotel room, so I can read in a different bed. ARTEM Hey, Bernard! This party's incredible. BERNARD Halt! Don't mock me. If it were truly incredible, you would be speechless. This party is still severely lacking. Just look. The magician is turning the water into Merlot, instead of rosé. We need one more big spectacle to put this birthday over the top, and I'm going to find it. Storm me off! I said, storm! COLIN I'm not sure how I feel about Birthday Bernard. ARTEM H-Hey, look! Ronnie came dressed like Mary. Joseph and Mary, right? You were meant to be. COLIN I think that Ronnie-Colin ship has sailed. ARTEM I have good news. The earth is round. So sailed ship is coming back, she asked you to come. That is good sign. COLIN Okay, okay, I'll go say hi. Although, I'm not gonna lie, half the reason is to end this conversation. ARTEM Yeah, it has run its course. COLIN Have fun, friend. RONNIE It's not gonna go over. COLIN Hey. The Virgin Mary? It's me, Joseph. RONNIE Hey. That's crazy. COLIN Well, it was the simplest of the costumes on Bernard's pre-approved list. RONNIE Oh, yeah. That's why Brian chose it, too. BRIAN Hey, babe. RONNIE Hey. You remember Brian. COLIN Nope. BRIAN Really? Because I feel like we met a bunch of times before. The plane, the restaurant. COLIN Hm, I go on a lot of planes, Ryan. BRIAN It's Brian. COLIN Oh. That's a beautiful name. CAPTAIN DAVE So I was looking to hook up tonight. How's our fake dating affect my chances? NICHOLE Negatively. CAPTAIN DAVE Damn it. You owe me for this. Not sexually. Just give me a gift card. NICHOLE Okay. Oh, hi, Mom. CAPTAIN DAVE So, Patricia- or should I call you Madam Deputy Mayor? NICHOLES MOTHER Oh. Patricia is fine. I'm not just a politician. I'm also a co-owner of Calabasics, Southern California's number one retailer of tasteful ponchos for women who work. CAPTAIN DAVE I love that store. Those ponchos are not just for women who work. They're also for men who want to be comfortable. NICHOLE Aw. NICHOLES MOTHER So Dave, tell me, what made to decide to become a pilot? CAPTAIN DAVE Well, Patricia, it all started when I first read the story of Icarus. Who flew so close to the sun with no repercussions. NICHOLE Okay, Bernard, what are you doing with that? BERNARD Damage control. Not one person has yet said, "Bernard, you've outdone yourself." Not my brunch club, not my champagne club. Not even anyone from my gossip and cheese group, the Crass Remagerie. What I need is a big biblical set piece. Which is why I'm setting up a burning bush smores station. NICHOLES MOTHER Smores seems a little off theme. BERNARD I'm sorry. Who the hell invited her? RONNIE Oh, the foot washing station is open. Brian, do you want to go get your feet washed in public? BRIAN No, I'm good. RONNIE Okay, your loss. COLIN So So you're a chef? Um, how did you get into that? BRIAN It started in the Marines. I'd cook for my unit sometimes. COLIN You were a Marine? BRIAN Yeah. COLIN Like Rob Riggle? BRIAN Yeah. I joined after college. Uh, I had a professor who changed my life. COLIN No way. A professor had a profound effect on you? BRIAN Yeah. COLIN Huh! BRIAN He sat me down one day and he said, "Whatever you do. COLIN Hm. BRIAN do not be a professor. Do something that actually matters." So what do you do? COLIN I'm a professor. BRIAN Professor. CAPTAIN DAVE Wait, wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What. You-You leaving? COLIN I was thinking about it, Dave. Yes. CAPTAIN DAVE Look, if there's anything I've learned from being trapped in a long term fictional relationship over the past two and a half hours, it's that you got to enjoy your freedom while it lasts. Dude, look around. There are chicks everywhere, and, like, five other straight dudes. COLIN I don't know if it's the helmet, but you're kind of making sense to me. There are several Eves looking for their Adam. CAPTAIN DAVE It's too bad Alan's not here. He's a great wingman. ALAN I'm here! CAPTAIN DAVE Oh. ALAN And I won! CAPTAIN DAVE He is here. ALAN Let's go back some strange. COLIN Stand back. I'm going to go enjoy myself. ALAN Ah. NICHOLES MOTHER Hello, Dave. I thought we could have a word. Without Nichole. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh. I knew this was coming. Patricia, I know as a politician, a pilot's endorsement is very valuable. NICHOLES MOTHER I want to be really clear about something. My daughter is not just some play thing. Okay. I know what you are. You’ve been divorced—what—three times? You’re lonely, you’re not man enough to admit it, so you hide behind these empty declarations like “The sky is my mistress” and similar nonsense, and you seek out relationships with women 30 years younger, who can’t hurt you as much as you’ve been hurt before. So I see what you’re doing, and I don’t like it. ALAN Hey, do you want to borrow this? It's a total chick magnet. COLIN Uh, that actually won't be necessary, Alan. I'm a Brit in America. All I have to do is up the accent, do a bit of Hugh Grant fumfering, and, uh, everything I'm, uh, rather falls into place. Um, uh, hello, old chap. Uh, a pint of, uh, whatever you're pouring. DEVIL GIRL And I'll have one of those, too. COLIN Pardon me for saying so, but it's as if I'm looking at an angel, uh, in, uh, as it were, devil's clothing. DEVIL GIRL You sound like Love Actually. COLIN Oh. DEVIL GIRL I'm Rose. COLIN And that, Alan, is how you. Oh. Oh, dear God. Oh. RONNIE Hey. Where'd Colin go? BRIAN He's over there talking to the devil. RONNIE Who is she? BRIAN I think she's actually the magician's assistant. RONNIE He's flirting with the magician's assistant? All right, seriously? BERNARD I finally figured out how to take this party to the next level. I'm going to walk on water. Ronnie, I just need you to come out to the pool, squeeze me into my harness, and set up my wires and pulleys. RONNIE Yeah, okay. Uh, can you help him with that? BRIAN I don't think anyone can. RONNIE Thanks. I just, I ha-I have to Colin before he does something he'll regret. BERNARD Have you ever operated a lift line in a theatrical production? BRIAN No, so I probably shouldn't. BERNARD Your hair is one strike, don't make it two. DEVIL GIRL And then I was like, "Is it really credit card fraud if it's your sister?" COLIN No. No. DEVIL GIRL No. COLIN No. DEVIL GIRL Oh, I'll be right back. I've got to do one quick thing. RONNIE Hey. COLIN Hm? RONNIE Hi. COLIN Hi. RONNIE Uh, I just thought I'd come over and stop you from making a huge mistake. COLIN Uh, what're you talking about? RONNIE Talking about that girl. Colin, she's exactly like your ex-wife. COLIN RONNIE That whole look, and that vibe, and that, like, that wide-eyed head tilt thing that she does. I mean I mean, for God's sake, she's even a magician's assistant. CROWD Whoa. COLIN Okay. Did not know that. But so what, I have a type. And all I'm doing is having some fun and some drinks. RONNIE Okay. Yeah, well, the last time you got drunk with a woman like that, it lead to a nasty divorce and you following dead dogs on Instagram. COLIN Oh, Piper. I had forgotten about that. Thanks a lot, Ronnie. RONNIE Sorry, I'm just trying to look out for you. COLIN I don't need your help. Honestly, I can make my own decisions. So why don't you go back to the Joseph you rode in on? BERNARD Ugh! I can't believe you messed that up. BRIAN Really? Because I was nonstop screaming, "I don't know what I'm doing!" CAPTAIN DAVE Your mom just came up to me and broke me down like a cardboard box on trash day. NICHOLE I'm so sorry. She can be intense. CAPTAIN DAVE No. I'm hard into it, she gets me. I'd like to take her to a steak dinner. Is that all right with you? NICHOLE Are you serious? No. No, that's not all right. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, come on, please. Your mom is strong, smart and sexy. And not just physically, but emotionally. And also physically. She's got the body of a stripper's mom. Why can't you just tell her who you really are? NICHOLE I wish we had the kind of relationship where I could tell her the truth, but we just don't. CAPTAIN DAVE But I have to be honest, I think I'm in love with her. NICHOLE Oh, my God. You fall in love with every woman you meet. CAPTAIN DAVE Not you. You're really annoying. DEVIL GIRL RONNIE Can you believe Colin? I mean, what is he doing? BERNARD Ronnie, I have my own crisis. I don't have time to deal with your jealousy. RONNIE I'm. Oh, no, I'm not jealous? No, that's ridiculous. I have my own boyfriend. Who's here. Somewhere. BERNARD Good. Because I don't remember Mary having two Josephs. Although, that is a Bible I'd read. RONNIE Oh, my God, you're right. What am I doing? I should be focusing on Brian, not worrying about. BERNARD Shh. Okay. Can you read my order back to me? No, not one, it's two llamas, two giraffes. Do you not know how to fill an ark? Put your supervisor on the phone. RONNIE Oh, Go. I am gonna tell you what you told me when I tried singing Dream Girls in the shower You have to stop. BRIAN Ah, hey. ARTEM Oh, so you are Ronald's boyfriend. BRIAN And let me guess, Artem? ARTEM No. Baby Jesus. Just kidding! Now, I'm Artem. BRIAN Yeah, Ronnie told me all about you guys. You, Bernard. Only one she hasn't really talked about is Colin. Is there a history there? ARTEM Oh, yeah. I have much history with Colin. BRIAN No, no, I meant Ronnie. ARTEM Well, I have more history with Ronnie. BRIAN I'm sorry. I meant Colin and Ronnie. ARTEM Yes. I know both of them. BRIAN All right. ARTEM Yeah. BRIAN This feels like I got the full Artem experience. ARTEM Yeah. COLIN Hey, hey, Dave. My, uh, my lady asked me to take her home. So thanks for the pep talk. CAPTAIN DAVE That was the old Dave. The new Dave sees the emptiness of cheap sex and meaningless flings. You know, Colin. COLIN Yeah. I'm sorry. I was just really swinging by for a high-five, but we'll discuss whatever this is on Sunday. CAPTAIN DAVE I want to. NICHOLE Hey, boo. We just finished our New Testamint Chip ice cream sundae, so I'm gonna take Mom home. NICHOLES MOTHER Good-bye, Dave. Nice to meet you. Look, I I was out of line before. I mean, as a single a woman, it's just hard to see a handsome man my age dating a woman young enough to be his daughter. Well, in this case, this is my daughter. But it was wrong of me to take my frustrations out on you, and I'm sorry. CAPTAIN DAVE Wait. Don't be sorry. You were right about everything. I'm vapid, I'm scared, I'm a shell of a man inside an empty uniform, who came here tonight for one reason only tush. But you made me realize that's just a distraction. I need a connection. And it's you. Would you like to have a steak and share a wedge salad with me? NICHOLE Dave! NICHOLE'S MOTHER You're in a relationship with my daughter. CAPTAIN DAVE That's the good news. I've been lying to you. Nichole, tell her. RONNIE Oh, hey. What are you doing? BRIAN Well, the magician asked me to hold it for him, and now no one will take it from me. RONNIE Oh. Gross. Anyway, uh, I'm sorry that I disappeared, but now I am back and for the rest of the night, you have my full at. Are they leaving together? Uh, I'm sorry, I-I have to go stop this. NICHOLES MOTHER Nichole Hayes, I want the truth right now. NICHOLE Okay, Mom. The truth is I'm not dating Dave. He was just covering for me. The real reason I know everyone on that flight is. I'm dating Ronnie. NICHOLE'S MOTHER Who's Ronnie? RONNIE Hi. NICHOLES MOTHER Wait, you're dating? COLIN Devil, won't we? DEVIL GIRL Yeah. Oh, yeah. RONNIE Yeah. Big time. We.Yeah, I. We, We are. So, just so glad that it's out in the open now. We-We were nervous about telling you for obvious reasons. NICHOLE Because she's so, so old. RONNIE Because we're gay. CAPTAIN DAVE Just to be clear, I'm not gay. NICHOLES MOTHER Oh, honey. I always felt like you were keeping something from me. And I'm-I'm just so sorry that I made you feel like you couldn't tell me that you were gay. NICHOLE No, I'm sorry that I put a riff between us by not telling you. NICHOLES MOTHER Well, you don't have to keep that a secret. NICHOLE I'm just so glad to be honest with you, Mom. I love you. NICHOLES MOTHER Oh. RONNIE Jeez, I thought my relationship with my mom was messed up. God, one time she asked me. CAPTAIN DAVE Shh. This is a beautiful moment for me and my future new family. ARTEM Hey, Bernard. What are you doing? BERNARD I don't even know. I'm trying so hard to wow everybody, and I can't do it anymore. But what choice do I have? If these parties don't get bigger every year, that means I've already reached peak Bernard. It's all downhill from here. ARTEM Listen. I think you're trying too hard to please everybody, including yourself. Why not celebrate your birthday with just the people who make you feel good about being Bernard. BERNARD And who would those losers be? BERNARD Thank you to my friends and Nichole's mom and to the chef and Alan's improbably attractive companions for being so boring that I will seem fabulous in comparison no matter what I do. ALAN Aw. BERNARD And since it's just you people, I can finally get into my comfy clothes. RONNIE Hey. Um, I'm sorry about tonight. I should've been spending time with you, and. BRIAN It's okay. You know, honestly, I did for a minute think there was something going on with you and Colin. RONNIE There's not. BRIAN I know. 'Cause I saw what you did with Nichole, and I realized you're just always looking out for your friends. RONNIE Right. CAPTAIN DAVE So I know lying about dating someone's daughter isn't the best way to start a relationship. NICHOLES MOTHER Well, Dave, anyone who's willing to help my daughter and forgo what I hear is the "tush event of the season," must be a decent man. So, here's my number. If that dinner is still on the table. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, no, we'd have to go in order at first. NICHOLES MOTHER CAPTAIN DAVE Is it? NICHOLE So I guess you and my mom are going on that date, huh? CAPTAIN DAVE Yup. Just so you know, I don't expect for you to call me Dad. But I look forward to your wedding day, when you finally do. COLIN Where is everyone? RONNIE Bernard kicked everyone out. What are you doing back here? I thought you left with New Megan. COLIN I did. But then we got into the Lyft and I saw that her rating was a 3.6, and I realized she was a bloody monster. You were right, I was about to make a huge mistake. RONNIE Well, lucky for you, I'm good at spotting huge mistakes. Not avoiding them, but spotting them. COLIN Yeah. BERNARD Everyone! Dinner is served. ARTEM Admit it, best birthday ever. BERNARD I suppose. I still wish I had come up with that one last Biblical finale, but this will have to do. CAPTAIN DAVE Alan, who sets a table like this? COLIN I mean, there aren't even enough chairs. CAPTAIN DAVE And then I said. RONNIE Hey, is there a light in there or no? ALL