ALAN ARTEM BERNARD BRYAN CANADIAN CAPTAIN_DAVE CAROLINE COLIN DUMMY ERIC FEMALE_PASSENGER IRISH_FAN NICHOLE PASSENGERS RONNIE SAMDAN SEAN VENTRILOQUIST RONNIE Do the new uniforms feel weird to you? I am so itchy, my body is actively rejecting this uniform. This job ruins everything. My skin, my dating life. BERNARD Would you like to vent about your dating life? RONNIE Yes, do you remember Bryan, the cute chef that I met. Well, we still haven't found time to have our first date. I was supposed to see him last night but then we got delayed in Reno. BERNARD Oh, honey, if your plans hinge on Reno, there's something wrong with your plans. RONNIE No, the problem is when you spend 60 hours a week in the sky, it is impossible to have a normal relationship with a regular person. CAPTAIN DAVE You can't have relationships with airline people either. BERNARD Hot damn it. RONNIE What happened to you? CAPTAIN DAVE Love happened to me. It happened to me hard. And not in a good way. Gwen left me for another man. BERNARD Oh, no Who's Gwen? CAPTAIN DAVE She was the air traffic controller I fell for. She left me for a limo driver named Rod. He probably used a line on her like, my car's not the only thing longer than average. God that's a good line. RONNIE I get it, Dave. Love is the worst. CAPTAIN DAVE The absolute worst. RONNIE It's like, why even try? CAPTAIN DAVE The Universe is a cold bastard. BERNARD Sounds hard. I deal with systemic racism everyday. CAPTAIN DAVE At least you're getting laid. BERNARD Damn right I am. CAPTAIN DAVE Jackpot Airlines, northeast bound to Las Vegas. COLIN Is it me or is the gate more crowded than usual? ARTEM Oh, there is a big MMA fight tonight. McKnickerson-Kang II. NICHOLE It's a rematch. The Irish Volcano versus the Emerald of Samoa. ARTEM It's a huge betting weekend for me. COLIN Well, there is a lot of men, it must be a good weekend for you too. NICHOLE No, fight nights are usually dead at the club, so we have our intramural softball game. It's a make-up against “Momshells.” They canceled last week due to custody hearings. I hope they're ready to lose two weeks in a row. COLIN Dear god! NICHOLE I'm in charge of snacks! BRYAN Uh, excuse me, miss? RONNIE Uh, I'm a little busy here. BRYAN I just need to know where to put this. RONNIE Oh, come on, dude- Bryan. Hi. What are you doing here? BRYAN Well, I thought since we can't schedule a date in the world, I'd bring a date here. RONNIE You brought a date? That seems cruel, but fine, she's getting a middle seat. BRYAN Bad phrasing. I meant, we could have a date at your work. I bought tickets to fly back and forth all weekend. Which you'll either find charming or use as grounds for a restraining order. RONNIE Well, lucky for you, I can't afford a lawyer so I have to find it charming. But really, I don't know what to say. I mean, this is like the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me. FEMALE PASSENGER Miss, can I borrow your shoes to go to the bathroom? RONNIE I have to go explain society to someone. But I will be back. BRYAN Well, uh, you know, take your time. I'll have a whole date waiting for you when you're ready. CAPTAIN DAVE You're gonna have to handle the comms today, Alan. I don't think I can bear to hear Gwen's voice. ALAN Oh, Gwen's not working this week. She told me she's going on vacation with some guy named Rod. Said he's taking her to Poundtown? She says it's nice. I might take myself to Poundtown. ARTEM Oh, excuse me- that is unexpected reveal. You bought him his own seat? DUMMY Yeah. He gets real whiney when I try putting him under the plane. ARTEM Yes, still better than sitting next to chatty Canadian. COLIN Oh, uh, excuse me, I think you might have taken my seat. SAMDAN Nope, don't think so. COLIN Okay, well, that is my seat because that's my NPR tote bag and that’s my book. SAMDAN Oh, this book. COLIN Yes, yes it's actually a gripping tome on some of the nicer points- oh, my God! Well, now you have a problem with me and with the Pasadena Public Library. But no matter, I will find another seat. Mmm. RONNIE So sorry to keep you waiting, I'm all yours now. BRYAN Hey. Well, I hope you brought your passport because our date begins by you getting whisked away to Argentina, circa 2012. Now you can't bring in a whole bottle of Malbec but you can smuggle it in three ounces at a time. COLIN Ronnie, we have a problem. RONNIE Oh, I'm in Argentina right now, Colin. COLIN Oh, look, it's the restaurant guy from the restaurant. What's all this then? BRYAN Just a little makeshift plane date. COLIN 'Cause who doesn't love a shampooey finish under a buttery chard? RONNIE Is there a problem, Colin? COLIN Yes, I'm sorry, um, that guy over there took my seat. RONNIE Okay, well just find another one. COLIN Well, that's the problem. There aren't any. RONNIE Oh, God. Don't tell me we're. BERNARD Overbooked? RONNIE By four people. I talked to the gate agents, who blamed ticketing. Then I talked to ticketing, who blamed the website. Then I talked to the web guys who hacked my Twitter. BERNARD I blame the gate agents. They love calling names off the standby list and watching the world burn. CAPTAIN DAVE It's ironic, isn't it? The plane is overbooked, yet the seat in my heart remains vacant. BERNARD Don't tell the gate agents, because they'll stuff two people in there. RONNIE Well, I guess we have to deal with this now. All right, everyone. Like a '90s rap video, this plane's got too many butts. So four lucky people willing to take a later flight will receive $100. BERNARD Ooh! RONNIE Okay, 200 and 50 five dollars. Come on, guys. The average roundtrip ticket on Jackpot costs, like, 12 bucks. With that money, you could buy yourself, like. How many flights will that buy? BERNARD If I could do that math, do you think I'd have this job? ARTEM We're holding out for big money. PASSENGERS RONNIE Big money? This is Jackpot. They buy refurbished seats from plane crashes. This is all we're authorized to give. Please, someone take this deal, because it only gets worse from here. All right, I'm sorry everyone, but Jackpot protocol says until four of you take the offer there's no food, no drinks and no bathrooms. PASSENGERS BERNARD Now you understand why I ooh'ed when she offered the money. ERIC Hey, I'll give you $5 for. NICHOLE Ew, no. ERIC No, for the water. I'm dying here, and they won't give us anything. NICHOLE I'll sell it to you for $20. ERIC Deal. Just wondering, what made you say, "Ew, no" and, uh, how much for that? BERNARD Uh-uh. RONNIE Okay, I'm ready for more date. BRYAN Don't you have to focus on getting four people off this plane? RONNIE Oh nah, someone's gonna crack. In the meantime, we've had shampoo, what's for conditioner? BRYAN Well, I'm glad you asked. RONNIE Is that supposed to be sushi? BRYAN May I present to you freshly caught Swedish Fish on Rice Krispy Treats. I call it the "Hudson News Roll." I know how much you like crap. RONNIE I love crap. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, report to the cockpit. RONNIE Oh, crap! I'll be right back. RONNIE Hey, Dave. We are totally on top of this overbooked thing. I'm sure people are gonna start dropping soon. I'm actually not sure why they haven't yet. NICHOLE Cheez-Its are $10, waters are $20. I do not make change. CAPTAIN DAVE I don't care about that. I called you in to talk about how love is the worst. And to rip up photos of our exes. I don't actually have any photos of Gwen, so I had to improvise. RONNIE I'm sorry, Dave. But I'm actually feeling pretty hopeful about love right now. CAPTAIN DAVE You're abandoning me, too? Traitor. This is you now. Sorry, Alan. I know how hard you worked on that. BERNARD Listen to me, Caroline, this is the gate agents' fault. You're the gate agent. It's your fault, Caroline. Then come in here and talk to me. Well, I'm not coming out there. Fine. We'll meet in Switzerland. CAROLINE I don't know what's taking you sky waiters so long, but we need this gate. Believe it or not, other flights need to take off, too. The world doesn't revolve around you and your little plane. BERNARD We would've been long gone if you hadn't kept tossing bodies in here like it was a Malaysian rickshaw. CAROLINE Well, when corporate calls to ask why they're entire schedule's delayed, I'll be telling them it's because you couldn't handle your business, Bernard. BERNARD You keep my name out of your Ramen-breath mouth. CAROLINE It's not Ramen. It's pho. BERNARD Ronnie, two things one, Caroline has a surprisingly international palate. Two, she's gonna pin this all on us if we don't take off soon. Why won't any of these people leave? RONNIE I don't know. I mean, who cares this much about a fight. If you offered me $250 to get off this plane, I'd be knee-deep in Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuits by now. BERNARD We need to do something. We already have Jackpot's second worst on-time departure rating. Any worse and we lose to Tampa. Tampa, Ronnie! RONNIE Well, what are we supposed to do? We already took away everything. BERNARD Not everything. PASSENGERS BERNARD Let's see how long they last without AC. ARTEM Sir, since we overbooked, would you mind stowing your wooden boy to free up a seat? DUMMY Hey, I paid for this seat. I'm sitting in it. ARTEM Hey, can we talk like humans? I mean, he should move. He's not even real man. DUMMY Neither are you, and you're not getting up. ARTEM That is so immature. You're using Dummy to be mean to me? DUMMY Dummy? This dummy's got three sold-out shows at the Rio this weekend, you trash-humper. ARTEM Hey, what did you just call me? DUMMY Nothing. Trash-humper. ARTEM That's slander! I don't do that with trash! DUMMY Oh, no? Then what are you doing with that can of Pringles? ARTEM Oh, I'm using this as my wallet. BERNARD I don't know what you're up to, but your vibe is all wrong. I'm trying to get four people off this plane. Are you with us, or against us? NICHOLE I don't know what you mean, Bernard. I'm just a clueless stripper. BERNARD Uh-huh. One eyebrow is already raised. Don't make me raise the other. SEAN Do you mind, bro? COLIN Oh, excuse me. Um. I don't know where you expect me to stand, though. It's a packed plane, and this gentleman took my seat. SEAN Yeah, well, he's a Kang fan. They don't respect anything. SAMDAN Hey. You talking about us? SEAN Yeah, maybe I am. What are you gonna do about it? COLIN Okay, let's calm down. Everybody put the veins in their necks away. BRYAN Hey. RONNIE Hey! I was just about to sneak you a water. I swear not all dates with me will end in an epic struggle for survival. But no promises if we move into a relationship. BRYAN Ronnie, this is crazy. I should go. I mean, I am the only person on this flight that doesn't actually need to be in Vegas, and you seem so stressed. RONNIE Don't you dare. You are the one person I actually want on this plane. COLIN Ronnie, new problem. I mean, there was a problem, but I solved it. So it's fine. Yeah, the-the two groups of angry shoulders in the cabin were getting ready to fight, but I averted disaster by pointing out we should all be supporting the troops. SAMDAN It's the ultimate sacrifice. SEAN They're protecting our freedom. COLIN So they're fine for now. Although I would keep an eye on them. As my father once said, "A watched pot never boils." That's right, my father was the homemaker. RONNIE Well, now I have a fight to worry about. Great. That's just one more thing- I'll be right back. RONNIE When those guys almost fought, what set them off? COLIN Well, it was a number of factors. Uh Cultural differences, performative masculinity, me. It was- It was me. RONNIE Great! Go do that again. COLIN What-What'd you mean? BERNARD You sweet, devious genius. If they fight, we have a reason to kick them off. COLIN Hold on. How am I supposed to make them that angry? RONNIE Just tell them one of those things you say like, "A touchscreen will never replace the feel of a book." COLIN Oh, so you just want to hear a bunch of men loudly agree? COLIN Ah. CAPTAIN DAVE I hear you're carrying. NICHOLE That depends. Am I talking to Dave, or Captain Dave? CAPTAIN DAVE I'm just a guy whose feelings got out of the pen, and now I'm looking for some chocolate cowboys to round them up. NICHOLE I've got what you need. Not here. CAPTAIN DAVE I know a place. ARTEM Nichole. Can you please help me? I'm very thirsty. NICHOLE I'm sorry, Artem. Business is booming. I'm all out. DUMMY Hey, buddy. You want a sip of this? ARTEM Oh, thank you. That's very generous of you. DUMMY Oops. ARTEM H-How can you be so cruel? I'm just a simple man trying to get to Vegas, so that I may spread the ashes of my beloved father in the canals of the Venetian. DUMMY Was your dad a trash-humper, too? Who was your mom, a wadded up napkin? ARTEM Ronnie! RONNIE COLIN So, I don't want to cause any trouble, uh, but I believe I heard some of the Irish fans i-insulting your-your Samoan heritage. COLIN Insulting your Irish heritage. COLIN And referred to Samoa as Earth's third nipple. COLIN They also said that Liam Neeson is aging into an old woman. IRISH FAN What the? COLIN Saying that Samoa is barely a Guam. COLIN And they said your music sounds like a "busted ass ringtone." COLIN Then he said the most common blood type for a Samoan is chocolate milkshake. RONNIE Come on. Seriously, Artem? You're fighting with a puppet? ARTEM Well, he started it. VENTRILOQUIST Miss, I'm as surprised as you are. I politely explained that my dummy is too valuable to be stowed. He just started yelling and sweating at me. ARTEM That is untrue, and yes, I know I'm doing both things right now, which doesn't help my case. I know. RONNIE Look, I know everyone's going a little crazy right now, but don't worry, we're gonna be getting people off this plane any minute. SAMDAN I hear you're talking smack, Lucky Charms. SEAN I'm just saying that you and your wee buddies here should stop ruining this for everyone and get off the plane. SAMDAN I'll send you off this plane in a bodybag. SEAN At least I fit in a bodybag. BRYAN Hey! Stop! Hey, come on, guys. Back off. COLIN Uh, I don't think you understand what we're trying to do here. BRYAN Look, the whole point of watching MMA is to get your aggression out in a healthy, non-violent way. Now for me that's hate-whisking a stiff-peaked meringue. Uh, for you guys, that's watching Kang McKnickerson. Now, those guys fight so you don't have to. SAMDAN That actually makes sense. SEAN Okay. We'll let Kang and McKickerson settle this for us then, won't we? RONNIE What just happened? ARTEM Ronald, this is not resolved! DUMMY Aw, what's wrong? Miss your mommy, trash-humper? RONNIE What did you just do? BRYAN Uh, saved the day. Those guys were about to kill each other. RONNIE Yes, that's what we want. If they fight, we can kick them off. If we kick them off, we can leave. BRYAN Well, if I knew that was the plan, I still would've stopped it because that's a terrible plan. RONNIE Physical violence was our best chance out of here. Now no one's gonna fight. ARTEM For the last time, I'm tired of your insults! PASSENGERS VENTRILOQUIST What the? What-What are you doing? BERNARD Oh. I do have a fetish. DUMMY Trash-humper! ARTEM Ay. Careful I bruise like a peach. Yeah. BERNARD Well, that's three off. We just need one more person. Any ideas? ALAN I'll do it. RONNIE Not you, Alan. ALAN Oh, the. BRYAN Hey. Hey. So, uh, obviously this didn't really turned out the way I planned. Uh, the whole date on a plane thing was obviously a bad idea. I think I'm gonna go. RONNIE No. No, Bryan, don't. I'm-I'm so sorry about before. BRYAN Uh, look, you're-you're stressed. It-It's cool. I get it. I just- I think it's better for everybody if I leave. We'll figure out something else. I'll-I'll call you. RONNIE Bye.Is there any chance he meant that? BERNARD Oh, sweetie. I think you know my sarcastic reply. ALAN Good news. We got four people off the plane. Well, three people and one pre-wish Pinocchio. But we can take off. CAPTAIN DAVE Great. Now I talk to ATC and remember that Gwen's not there because she's with Rod. Why him? I've been saving up my miles. I could have taken her to Poundtown. NICHOLE Oh, Dave. Look, when it comes to love, there are two types of people Kangs and McKnickersons. Kangs play defense, protecting their hearts, throwing out the occasional jabs, but McKnickersons leave themselves open to taking those bigger swings. CAPTAIN DAVE What are you saying? Put money on Kang in the third? NICHOLE No. I'm saying you're a McKnickerson. Always throwing emotional haymakers, which leaves you open to some pretty painful gut punches, but that's okay. Because when you connect, you're gonna connect big. You're gonna find love. You're too good of a guy not to. CAPTAIN DAVE You know, I've been piloting planes for so long, sometimes I forget how to pilot my own life. NICHOLE Okay, but don't say stuff like that because it makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. CAPTAIN DAVE Hmm. RONNIE Well, Dave. I'm back with you. Love is the worst. Bryan did everything he could to make it work, and I still screwed it up. Maybe it's not the job. Maybe it's us. CAPTAIN DAVE Hmm. It might be us, but it's not me. Sorry, Ronnie. The bitter Captain Dave caterpillar has emerged from his grief cocoon as a hopeful butterfly, looking for a sexy flower to pollinate. RONNIE Bees pollinate, stupid! CAPTAIN DAVE Butterflies do it, too. They're just less efficient. RONNIE You're a traitor. Alan, do you have any Dave drawings in that pile? ALAN Um. RONNIE Is this a nude? CAPTAIN DAVE I didn't pose for that. ALAN You didn't not pose for it. RONNIE Where did everyone go? BERNARD You'll never believe this. The fight's off. Kang missed the weigh-in. He was on the Jackpot flight out of Tampa. They never even left the gate. We're not the worst. NICHOLE Bye, guys. I'll see you next week. RONNIE Wait, you're out, too? Don't you have to work this weekend? NICHOLE Not anymore. I made a fortune today. Which reminds me, this is for your troubles. Bye. BERNARD We're all gonna be working for her one day, aren't we? COLIN I know this sounds crazy, but, um, that's actually my seat. RONNIE COLIN Remind me never to run out of ink in front of you. RONNIE COLIN Do you fancy a drink and a talk? RONNIE I don't know if I want to talk, but I definitely want a drink. COLIN Okay, perfect. Well, how about this you finish whatever you're doing here, and I'll meet you at the bar. RONNIE Yeah, I'd like that. COLIN Okay. BRYAN Excuse me, Miss. Is this what you're looking for? RONNIE Bryan? Hi. W-What are you doing here? BRYAN We said we'd figure out things later, and I figured out that if I bought a ticket on Southwest it'd get me here in half the time as it takes Jackpot. RONNIE Yes, but do they also lose your bags? BRYAN I thought that if we can't make a date work out in the world, or on a plane, the least I could do is take you to dinner in Terminal 3. Do you still need this? RONNIE No. BRYAN Great. RONNIE The airport has so many good options. COLIN Love is the worst. CAPTAIN DAVE I know, buddy. Rip these up. It might help. COLIN Who am I tearing up? CAPTAIN DAVE I don't know. Alan sucks at art. ARTEM Oh, excuse me. CANADIAN Oh, hey there, eh. This is my first time to Vegas. You want to know the rules about hockey? What's your name, eh? You got to speak up. I blew an eardrum out at a Rush show a few years back, and then I took a puck to the other ear. Oh, bit of a shy guy, huh? That's all right. I'll do all the talking. I got a lot to talk about. You ever had poutine? I don't like it, but I eat it. ARTEM Ronnie!