ALAN ALL ARTEM BERNARD BOTH BRYAN CHEERLEADERS COLIN DAVE HEAD_CHEERLEADER JUSTIN MAN NICHOLE PASSENGER PILOT RONNIE THAD WAITER WOMAN WOMEN DAVE All right, Alan. You're not Alan. I am on the wrong plane. Tokyo, huh? Cool. Have a great flight. PILOT Jackpot Airlines. Northeast-bound to Las Vegas. ARTEM Papers, huh? I love papers wall, toilet, failing New York Times. COLIN These are divorce papers, so they're slightly less fun. ARTEM Tough break, my friend. COLIN I'm in a state of shock about it, Artem. I just got served in the airport. And the guy was very tricky about it. WOMAN Colin McCormack, please pick up the nearest white courtesy telephone. MAN Uh, excuse me. Are you Colin McCormack? COLIN Yes. MAN You've been served. Oh, there's no call. That was me. I love when they go for the phone. ARTEM So sad. I will hug you now. COLIN Okay, thank you. Thank you. Ay, oy! I'm good. Uh Could you do me a favor and not tell everybody about this? You know, I'd rather the whole plane didn't know my business. ARTEM Of course, don't worry. I'm very good at keeping secret. I will hug you again. COLIN Oh. Okay. Thank you, Artem. Thank you. BERNARD So did you hear we're gonna be grounded in Vegas for the night? RONNIE What? No. I had plans in L.A. tonight. I was gonna go to my friend Jeff's luau. BERNARD You hate luaus. RONNIE I hate Jeff, too, but that's not the point. This was gonna be my first night out in forever. God, this job makes it impossible to have a social life. Right now, my only social interactions are yelling at drunk passengers. PASSENGER This iPad is broken. RONNIE That's a magazine. BERNARD It seems like you're doing all right. What about all those fun party pictures on your Instagram? RONNIE I faked them. BERNARD But I saw your legs on a beach. RONNIE Those were two hotdogs and my Cancún screen saver. BERNARD I take my like back. DAVE Hey, Captain Dave here. If you're looking for a little female companionship, then head over to Madame's, the oldest strip club in Vegas that's now Vegas' newest retirement community. And those women could really use someone to chat with. Tell them Craig sent you. 'Cause that's what they think my name is. RONNIE Hey. I just wanted to come over and see how you were doing. COLIN I'm good. How are you? RONNIE Oh, I'm just asking because Artem told me about the divorce papers. COLIN Oh, come on. He swore he wouldn't tell anybody. RONNIE Yeah, well, it's Artem, so that's really on you. Anyway, you know, if there's anything I can do. COLIN Ronnie, honestly, I'm okay. I just don't want anybody else to know. NICHOLE Hey. How are you, Colin? COLIN Ah, good. So you know, too. NICHOLE Look, I know this is a really difficult time for you, but the good news is you now qualify for the Grapefruits Divorce Special. You get two free lap dances and then they flatten your wedding ring into a souvenir coin. COLIN Ah, two free lap dances. Artem! Is there anybody else you told about my impending divorce? ARTEM Me? No. I swear. DAVE Hey, Colin McCormack, this is your captain. Please report to the front galley to discuss your impending divorce. ARTEM I don't know why you're mad. Everyone on this plane is Team Colin, even the cheerleaders going to Vegas for competition. Isn't that right, girls? HEAD CHEERLEADER You should get a lawyer who will. CHEERLEADERS Be aggressive! Be, be aggressive! COLIN Thanks, mate. ARTEM Yeah. CHEERLEADERS NICHOLE Ugh. RONNIE What's up? NICHOLE I specifically took tonight off to hang out with my friend Krystal, and she bailed on me. God, it's so hard having a social life in the stripper world. RONNIE I have the same problem because of the weird hours, right? NICHOLE Yeah, and all the fun girls get exported by Saudi princes. RONNIE So you're not doing anything tonight? NICHOLE Not anymore. RONNIE Me neither. Would it be crazy if we hung out? NICHOLE Well, I don't know. We've never hung out before. Although, I did have a dream once where I braided your hair. RONNIE I have the perfect face shape for a braid. NICHOLE That's what I said in the dream! RONNIE Oh, my God! NICHOLE Let's do it! RONNIE Yay! NICHOLE And now you can finally post some fun, real pics on Instagram. RONNIE Aw, you follow me. NICHOLE No, I follow Bernard. RONNIE Oh. DAVE So, I heard you got slapped with the big D. COLIN Excuse me? DAVE Divorce. It's rough. I've been there. I've actually had three big D's slap me right across the face. COLIN You have to know you're saying that wrong. DAVE The first month is the hardest. You re-evaluate everything. Month two, you start exploring. Go to Peru, do some ayahuasca, buy a fun bowling shirt. And the next woman that gives you attention, you marry immediately. But boredom brings that second divorce. You start drinking, get some tattoos, and on a bender, you marry your tattoo artist. But by the time the third divorce comes, you sign the papers at the dog track and realize Scientology's got some decent ideas. COLIN Huh. Well, if I'm honest, I am a little peeved at the way that my ex has been handling things. DAVE Yup. Let it out. Build that fire. COLIN I mean, we promised we'd be civil to each other, you know. I mean, my parents, they did their divorce right. My father grew a beard, mother went on a food journey with her "special friend" Charlotte. DAVE No one gets out unscarred. My first ex-wife took the dog. My second wife took the cat. And my third wife took the dog from the my first ex-wife. Her lawyer was amazing. You know what you really need? A night out with your boys to blow off some steam. COLIN Well, I don't have many "boys" anymore. I mean, honestly, it's tough maintaining friendships when you spend every weekend flying from L.A. to Vegas. I mean, really, I only do three things sleep, teach, and fly out to see my son. DAVE Well, I only do three things sleep, fly, and right wrongs when I see them. And if you don't have boys, it's on me to take you out for a guys night. COLIN That is really not necessary. DAVE Too late. This Bro-tisserie chicken is already on the rack and rolling. Bernie, saddle up. We're taking Colin out for a guys night. What's it gonna take you to go? BERNARD Free drinks and you have to buy ten tickets to my one-man show, Mother Eartha The Eartha Kitt Story. LA Weekly said it was, "lit well." DAVE Done, you're in. ARTEM Hey, I want in on this night with men, and I don't even care what we're doing. I just have crazy Fomo. ALAN What are you guys talking about? DAVE Your mom. ALAN Oh, what a slut, right? ARTEM No, we're talking about guys night. Right? ALAN Guys night? I want to come. Please. DAVE Fine, Alan, but no blow. ALAN What? COLIN Hold on, who's flying the plane? DAVE It's on autopilot. I save these hands for takeoffs and landings. I mean, does a surgeon do the middle of an operation? COLIN Yes. DAVE You don't know. Come on, Alan. Let's look out the window and play "Spot The Pools." ALAN Oh! RONNIE Hey, thank you for lending me this dress. It's surprisingly heavy, though. NICHOLE Yeah, it's weighted so I'm harder to kidnap. RONNIE Your life is so cool. Like, that's what I should be doing. I'm still young, I should be afraid of getting kidnapped. NICHOLE You really should. You're pretty enough. If you worked in the club, you'd be that cocktail waitress that all the guys are like, "Why isn't she stripping?" RONNIE Aw. Thank you. NICHOLE I bet, on the plane, all the drunk passengers "accidentally" brush your butt all the time. RONNIE Yeah, and they "accidentally" get hot coffee spilled on their junk. NICHOLE Hm. RONNIE That is the only action I've had in the last six months, so I'd love to meet someone where the groping is mutual. NICHOLE Well you know what? We're gonna make that happen right now. RONNIE What are you doing? NICHOLE This guy I'm sort of dating has a friend who'd be perfect for you, so I'm gonna see if he's around. RONNIE Wow, okay. Oh, wait. If he's just home with no plans, does that mean he's lame? I didn't have plans, so we're both lame. Maybe this is a bad idea. NICHOLE He said he's available. RONNIE I'm in! NICHOLE BOTH Tequila soda! DAVE It is officially cool o'clock. ALAN All right! Dope! BERNARD Oh! DAVE All the homies are here. We're gonna pregame at the most exclusive joint in town. ALAN Nice! COLIN Oh, wow. COLIN So, this is the most exclusive joint in town? DAVE We're the only ones here, aren't we? It's got everything we need free drinks, free food, and sweet, sweet tunes. I just downloaded this killer karaoke app. I got the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" all cued up. Bernie, you want to sing first? BERNARD Do I look like I'm playing hacky sack on the quad at Dartmouth? DAVE Good call. Rest the pipes. In the meantime, the oxygen bar is open. COLIN Oh. So we're all gonna share that, are we? DAVE Yeah, man. Puff, puff, pass. NICHOLE Oh. RONNIE Oh, they're cute. I think. I don't know. It's so dark in here. NICHOLE Is it? I-I spend so much time in strip clubs, I can practically see in the dark. It's called stripper vision. It's a real thing. Hi! JUSTIN Babe. NICHOLE Ronnie, this is Justin and Thad. They're magicians. They have the hottest show in Vegas. JUSTIN I don't know about hottest, but we're certainly on fire. WOMAN MAN Oh! What? What? RONNIE Oh. Wow, that's crazy. JUSTIN That wasn't me. That was me. WOMEN JUSTIN They were both me. RONNIE Whoa. They did not teach that in the magic kit that I had growing up. I only knew the cup-and-balls one. NICHOLE That's not magic, that's just good technique. RONNIE Hey. NICHOLE Thad is the guy I was telling you about. RONNIE Hi. JUSTIN Oh, Thad doesn't speak. That's kind of our thing. RONNIE Isn't that Penn & Teller's thing? JUSTIN Thad, don't yell. I got this. THAD JUSTIN We're nothing like Penn & Teller. Their tall guy talks; ours doesn't. Okay? RONNIE Okay. But you can talk tonight, though, right? I mean, it's not like you're performing. JUSTIN Well, that's the about us, we're always performing. WOMAN RONNIE Oh, God. Now you're just torturing that poor woman. JUSTIN Let's go eat. RONNIE Hm-hm-hm-hm-hm. You sure about these guys? NICHOLE Oh, yeah, no. They're a little weird, but they're completely harmless. I can spot a creep from a mile away. Stay away from that guy. COLIN Movie. Movie. ARTEM Mm-mm. COLIN Artem, that means movie in charades. ARTEM Oh, we're playing charades? Oh, I didn't know. Wait. Okay.I love charades. So I. Three words. I give you hint. It's a song. First word Stairway. BERNARD To Heaven. I win. And as winner, I say it's time to get off this plane. Dave, what's next? DAVE Oh, I got a great night planned. We're gonna get steaks at Ponderosa, then take a helicopter ride over the Strip. But don't worry, if it's too windy, I got a plan B. A buddy of mine can get us into this corporate event. Apparently, Beyoncé and Jay-Z are gonna play a set. COLIN What? BERNARD Bitch, that's plan A! DAVE I thought tonight was gonna be about bonding over Colin's D, but if you guys want to go to the party, let's bounce. BERNARD Yeah! "Crazy in Love." ARTEM Hey, what happened to Jetway? COLIN Yeah, are we stuck here? BERNARD Dave, didn't you tell the Jetway guys we were gonna be up here? DAVE I was planning a guys' night. This is Alan's fault. ALAN I didn't even know we were coming back here. DAVE That's your problem, Alan, you don't anticipate. COLIN That's a 25-foot drop. DAVE Good news I spoke to the Jetway driver. Bad news he's at his anniversary dinner with his- wait for it- husband. This guy knows what I'm talking about. COLIN Okay, so what does this mean for us? DAVE It means we can finally live in a society where love can win. COLIN No, what does it mean for the plane? DAVE Oh. We're stuck for a couple of hours. ARTEM Oh, I have to cancel my son Roy's hike club. DAVE Guys, I'm bummed, too, but tonight is about Colin. Right? We have a unique opportunity here. We have the whole plane to ourselves. Isn't there anything you ever dreamed of doing on an airplane? ALAN Sit in the captain's seat. DAVE Be serious, Alan. Now, we could spend the next few hours being miserable or actually having some fun. Which is it gonna be? DAVE Guys' night! ALL Yeah! ALAN Guys' night! COLIN Bleh! DAVE ? One, two ? ? Princes kneel before you ? ALL ARTEM ? And go ahead now ? COLIN ? If you ? ? Want to call me baby ? ALAN Okay. Okay, go. Wait. COLIN ? Just go ahead now ? ALAN COLIN ? And if you ? ALAN All right. Okay, close it. COLIN All right. ALL Oh! COLIN Woo! COLIN ? And if you ? ? Want to buy me flowers ? ? Just go ahead now ? ALAN Guys? COLIN How does it open. Is there, is there a catch? How does it. ? Just go a? Guitar! DAVE NICHOLE Tell me how you do the coin-in-the-box trick? JUSTIN Nichole, there is a magician's code, and I cannot betray it. NICHOLE Well, if you tell me, I'll. JUSTIN Mirrors, it's all mirrors. NICHOLE RONNIE Anyway, that's why my friend Stacy has an eye patch and I'm permanently banned from the Sunglass Hut. Good talk, Thad. What are you getting? Oh, good. Cards. JUSTIN This is a good one. Pick a card, memorize it, see what happens. RONNIE I don't get it. Hey, Nichole, do you want to go get a drink at the bar? NICHOLE But we have a waiter. RONNIE Yeah, I know, but let's leave. NICHOLE Oh. Okay. COLIN You know, I was initially skeptical about what exactly tonight was gonna be, but, um turns out a bit of nonsense was exactly what I needed. DAVE See? Nights like this recharge the system. COLIN Ah. DAVE Listen, I wish I had some guys to take me out after my divorces. ARTEM I don't have many male friends, either. I relate to women better, probably because I'm willing to go there. BERNARD Oh, I have so many friends. Too many. Actually, I'm in the midst of a cull. But you're all on the list. COLIN Well, at least that is one good thing that this divorce hath wrought. DAVE That's not the only thing. Don't you feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders? Dude, you're officially free. ARTEM Yeah, the road has been paved for you and Ronnie. COLIN Ronnie? Aw, come on, we're just friends. DAVE Friends that almost boned in the bathroom. COLIN Guys, Ronnie and I would drive each other mad. I mean, she's literally maddening. You know, she's-she's stubborn and she's combative and and then there are the days when she goes out of her way to do something incredibly thoughtful, like she'll she'll leave you the last airline magazine with a blank crossword, and-and you know, you're left kind of amazed that somebody so beautiful and delightful would spend even 30 seconds of her day doing something just because she knew it would make you happy. And and that makes all the stresses in your life seem to fade away. I'm sorry, what was the question? BERNARD None of us have talked for, like, 20 minutes. COLIN Oh, dear God. DAVE News flash, amigo you dig Ronnie. COLIN RONNIE Okay, why did you think I would like Thad? NICHOLE Well, he's a good listener. RONNIE Can't argue with that. NICHOLE I mean, if you're not into it, no worries. I can make him disappear. I made a joke my dad would like. RONNIE No, I came here to have fun. I'm gonna give it another shot. I just need a drink, or two. Probably two. NICHOLE Uh, you have something in your bra. RONNIE God, I'm surprised he hasn't given me a paper cut. BRYAN Rough night? RONNIE Uh, yeah. It's probably rougher for the two women my date set on fire. BRYAN Oh, is he an arsonist? RONNIE Magician. BRYAN Oh, so an arsonist in sequins. RONNIE Mm-hmm. You know, I thought I wanted a crazy, fun night out, but this place is so douchey. I mean, what is the theme? Too loud and cocaine on the floor? BRYAN You throw in jean shorts and a Raiders jersey and that's pretty much the theme of Vegas. RONNIE Maybe I'm just trying too hard. I wish I'd stayed home and had a grilled cheese and a beer. Well, I'll see you later. BRYAN I hope your night gets better. I'll keep on the lookout for any cute blondes bursting into flames. RONNIE Well, if it ends the date, I'm fine with it. BRYAN Okay. RONNIE COLIN Okay, here's what we know I'm a little drunk, I like Ronnie, and when I get nervous I like to recap. What do I do? DAVE You got to go tell her. COLIN What? Now? This is the exact wrong time. I just got my divorce papers. BERNARD This is the exact right time. She's been texting me all night. She's on a terrible date with a magician. You could swoop in and rescue her. ARTEM Hey, this is like the reverse ending of a romantic comedy. You are at airport running to girl in other location. COLIN Do you really think I should do this? DAVE No, chico. You have to do this. COLIN Okay, I'm gonna do it. That's right, we're trapped. BERNARD I have an idea. According to the Jackpot handbook, as senior flight attendant, it is within my authority to declare an emergency and deploy the evacuation slide. Did you guys hear me? We get to go down the slide! ALL Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! Slide! ARTEM Rope made of pants! Rope made of pants! Rope made of pants! Rope made of pants! ARTEM Rope made of pants! DAVE Rope made of pants! ALL Rope made of pants! RONNIE I just asked for a napkin, dude. WAITER Sorry for the wait. RONNIE I'm sorry, I didn't actually order this. BRYAN Uh, compliments of the chef. RONNIE And that would be. BRYAN Me? Yup. Also the owner of this whole loud, cocaine-y place. Love you guys, by the way. JUSTIN Ah, you've seen our show. BRYAN No. RONNIE COLIN The rope. How will you get down? DAVE Don't worry about us. Just go get the girl! ARTEM And hamburgers! I'm hungry! RONNIE Thanks for the grilled cheese. My date loved it. BRYAN Oh. You know, that's not even my specialty. You should let me make you breakfast. That sounded sleazy. I meant to say I'm really good with eggs. Let me try again. You're really cute, let me make you breakfast. Nope, that was the same. RONNIE I'm gonna let it slide this time because I bashed your restaurant right to your face. BRYAN Well, you weren't wrong, you know. This place isn't me. I opened the first restaurant in Portland. Then Vegas threw a bunch of money at me to open one here. And in Portland, we were farm to table. Here, we're farm to freezer to truck to distribution center to train to truck to here. RONNIE Wow, so you're a sellout? BRYAN Yeah. Total sellout. RONNIE BRYAN Um We took care of that grilled cheese, but I still owe you a beer. You want to go some place better than this and grab a drink? RONNIE Thank you, but I shouldn't leave my friend with those guys. If they try to cut her in half or something, I'll feel responsible. BRYAN It's cool. Totally cool. Everybody knows getting cut in half sucks. RONNIE Well, thank you for the grilled cheese. BRYAN You got it. NICHOLE What are you going? He was totally into you. RONNIE Yeah, he asked me out for a drink, but I didn't want to bail on you. NICHOLE Thank you. I get it. Girl code, Lena Dunham, traveling pants, but I came here to get you a guy, and that's the kind of guy you ditch your friends for. RONNIE Aww, we're friends? NICHOLE Yeah, you're wearing my dress and we feel the same way about Ryan Gosling. BOTH Hot but not sexy, except in Drive. NICHOLE You're crazy not to to out with that guy. He's cute, he cooks, he's clearly willing to listen to you complain. Why are you still standing here talking to me? COLIN Excuse me. Excuse me. Hello. Hi. Excuse me. Hi, I'm sorry. No, I don't have a reservation, but I do have a, I have a. RONNIE Hi. COLIN Hi. Wow, I just realized I've never seen you out of your uniform before. You look amazing. RONNIE Thank you. What are you doing here? COLIN Ah, it's a long story. I got trapped in a plane, I climbed down a-a rope made of blankets. It was a whole situation. RONNIE I've had a bit of a weird night, too. But things are looking up. COLIN Okay, that's that's exactly why I wanted to talk to you. Uh. BRYAN Ronnie, you ready to go? RONNIE Yeah. Uh, this is Bryan. He owns the restaurant, and he saved me from my terrible date. We were just about to go get a drink. But we-we could stay. COLIN No. No, God, no, no. You guys go. No, I've got my lads meeting me here in a bit anyway, you know. Actually, I hear this place has really excellent food. BRYAN We do have food. COLIN Great. I will order some of that then. RONNIE All right, so I'll see you Sunday? COLIN Yes. Yes, get out of here, kids. Have fun, have fun. NICHOLE Hey, Colin, you missed the magic. COLIN Seems like I did. ARTEM Oh, no. She rejected you. Here comes another hug. COLIN No, I didn't even get to tell her. How did you guys all get here? BERNARD Uber. Oh, you mean from the plane. The Jetway guy showed up literally one minute after you left. DAVE So you didn't get the girl, but you got something else, four ice cold bros. COLIN That I did. And I thank you all so much for this, really. DAVE Of course. No one should ever have to handle the big D alone. Yup, now I hear it. Oh, man, I said it so many times tonight. COLIN Well, here's to my four. Hold on a second, where's Alan? DAVE Yeah. Where'd we leave that little man? RONNIE ALAN RONNIE