AIRPORT_WORKERS AISLE_PASSENGER ALAN ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE CAPTAIN_STEVE CHUCK COLIN DAVE KATHY LADIES MERNINE NICHOLE PASSENGERS RONNIE TRIPPING_GUY KATHY Okay, how about here? RONNIE Uh-uh. KATHY And this one. RONNIE Uh-uh. KATHY And. RONNIE Uh! KATHY Oh. Yup. Okay, yeah. You have a serious abscess on tooth number 18. How long has it been since you last saw the dentist? RONNIE Um.four. KATHY Months? Years? RONNIE It's hard to find the time. My job schedule is so unpredictable. But my tooth has been killing me lately, so my friend referred me here. KATHY Really? Your friend referred you here? RONNIE Well, she said you have great lollipops. KATHY You are in luck. You've got the best dentist in our practice. He's brilliant and gentle and handsome. God, what I would give to have him in my mouth. RONNIE Oh.weird. That looks like a young. ARTEM Ronnie! RONNIE Nope. CAPTAIN DAVE Jackpot Airlines, northeast bound to Las Vegas. LADIES Cheers! ARTEM It's Ronnie! What happened the other day? Why did you run out on me? RONNIE I'm sorry, Artem. I was in shock. I had no idea that when you're not gambling, you're a dentist. I just assumed you were a guy who sold weird fruit out the back of a tire store. COLIN I'm sorry. Uh, did you say Artem is a dentist? ARTEM Yeah, pediatric dentist. Here's my card. Oh, the doll's head is there so you remember I'm good with kids. COLIN Well, this will be hard to ever, ever forget. ARTEM So when are you going to reschedule? RONNIE No need. It's all fixed now. Laughter and prayer. It turns out, that's all you need. ARTEM Well, that's good it's better, because if you still had that abscess, flying now would be excruciating. RONNIE Uh.okay. E-excruciating how? I'm asking for a friend. ARTEM At higher altitudes, trapped air in tooth expands against a nerve causing unbearable pain, and I don't know why I'm telling you. I should be telling this to your friend. RONNIE ARTEM Are you the friend? CAPTAIN DAVE Damn it, you're fast. ALAN I was captain of my high school hand-slap team. No big deal. CAPTAIN DAVE No, Alan, that is a big deal. I'm tired of you selling yourself short. RONNIE Hey. I had an idea. This flight, why don't we keep our altitude, say, below 10,000 feet. CAPTAIN DAVE Sorry, Ronnie. I don't tell this old girl how high to fly. She tells me. ALAN That's not how it works at all. CAPTAIN DAVE Alan, what did Dr. Becker say about contradicting me in front of other people? It's like, why do we go to therapy if you're not even gonna try? BERNARD Beverage? CAPTAIN STEVE Hello, Bernard. BERNARD Captain Steve. CAPTAIN STEVE Ow! PASSENGERS CAPTAIN STEVE What is your face made of? CAPTAIN STEVE No, it's just Steve now, ever since I got suspended for punching Captain Dave. I lost everything that day. My wife, my Miata, my mustache. I didn't deserve it anymore, so I shaved it off and buried it in the backyard, next to my dad. BERNARD Oh, I'm sorry for your losses. So, what are you doing here? CAPTAIN STEVE I'm going to Jackpot HQ to meet with the Review Board about getting reinstated so I can get the life back that you all took from me. BERNARD Well, we know you have a choice of airlines when traveling to this or that disciplinary hearing, so we thank you for choosing Jackpot. COLIN Hey, that's weird. Uh, what are you doing? RONNIE Uh.I-I'm scanning my tooth on the WebMD app. You're supposed to get an instant diagnosis. And my tooth has.Lou Gehrig's disease. COLIN Would it not be easier just to go to the dentist every six months? RONNIE What am I? The Queen of England? Every time I try to do something for myself, something comes up. Like I have to work an extra turn or cover for a sick flight attendant. Nichole gets it. We're both active professionals on the go. We don't have time for the dentist. NICHOLE Oh, no. I go to the dentist every three months. Teeth are very important to strippers. It's the first thing customers notice. No, breasts. It's breasts. BERNARD Ronnie, we have a problem. Captain Steve is on the flight, and he's very bitter-and not adorably bitter, like a late-in-life Lena Horne. Scary bitter, like a late-in-life Bette Davis. COLIN Love a reference to this century once in a while. BERNARD Hamilton. RONNIE This is not good. The last time Captain Steve and Captain Dave were on a flight together, it did not end well. We can't let them anywhere near each other. BERNARD We? I've already done my part. I identified the problem, deflected it with a withering bon mot, then kicked it over to you. RONNIE Okay, just don't let Dave anywhere near the cabin. BERNARD I'll try, but. RONNIE Oh, I'm sorry. This just feels so good right now. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey there, passengers. If you find yourself in Vegas on a Friday night, why not celebrate the Sabbath the way Captain Dave does? Praying the night away at Temple Beth Vegas. Where you'll find the best all-you-can-eat Oneg and the loosest slots this side of Haifa. I'm gonna go do my rounds-kiss some hands and shake some babies. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, hey Bernie. BERNARD Hey. CAPTAIN DAVE What? Can I, uh.get through? BERNARD Um.you know what I just realized? You never told me what it was like going vegan. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, I am so glad you asked. You see, Bern, if you stretch the human digestive tract and lay it next to that of a true omnivore, like a grizzly bear, there's only one conclusion-we're herbivores, my friend. CAPTAIN STEVE Can I get through? RONNIE Sorry, we're going to be doing beverage service indefinitely. Why don't you sit down and go back to your Doobie Brothers or whatever? CAPTAIN STEVE Doobie Brothers? Please. This discman only plays Seger. Mainly 'cause it's been stuck closed since 2004. AISLE PASSENGER Excuse me, miss. Could I get a diet soda? RONNIE Uh-huh. AISLE PASSENGER This is all foam. RONNIE Okay, you know what? Why don't you just take the can? Beverage service today is if you're thirsty, you should've thought about that at the airport and gotten something then! CAPTAIN DAVE Of course, after eight days of no erections, I realized I needed some red meat, so I'm back on steak and now, I wait. RONNIE Ah! PASSENGERS Oh! NICHOLE Oh no! ARTEM We have a Ronnie down! CAPTAIN DAVE Make way, I'm a Captain. CAPTAIN STEVE Make way, I'm a Captain. CAPTAIN DAVE Captain Steve. CAPTAIN STEVE Captain Dave. RONNIE I'm okay. Oh crap. CAPTAIN DAVE What the hell are you doing on my plane? CAPTAIN STEVE It's not your plane. Your name isn't Dave Jackpot. CAPTAIN DAVE It is on several dating websites. You don't know. CAPTAIN STEVE I know you ruined me the moment you ran your weird face into my fist. CAPTAIN DAVE You're lucky that was a sucker punch. If it had been a real fight, I would've given you a one-way ticket to Pain Island. Population you. CAPTAIN STEVE I'm standing right here. Now's your chance. CAPTAIN DAVE No, I'm on duty. Unlike some people, I don't fight my passengers. CAPTAIN STEVE That's fine. I can wait till we land. How long's your turnaround? CAPTAIN DAVE An hour. CAPTAIN STEVE Perfect. Gives me a half hour to warm up, 10 minutes to kick your ass and 20 minutes to high-five all my fans. That is, of course, unless you're scared. CAPTAIN DAVE The only thing I'm scared of is your naked under-nose. Have some respect and cover that thing up. CAPTAIN STEVE It's on. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, it's on. Lost luggage room 300 p.m. Barring any weather delays. CAPTAIN STEVE Oh, of course. What's the wind shear at today? CAPTAIN DAVE About 20 knots. CAPTAIN STEVE That's not so bad. We could maybe push it to 250. CAPTAIN DAVE The way I fly make it 245. BERNARD This is so dumb. LADIES ARTEM Oh no, this is worse than I suspected. Your mouth looks exactly how other people are sure my mouth looks. RONNIE Artem, you have to help me. I cannot take another flight like this, and my turn is in an hour. Is there anything you can do? ARTEM Ronnie always help Artem on the plane, so it would be an honor to help you here on the ground. BERNARD Ronnie. What are you going to do about this Steve-Dave thing? We can't actually let them fight. RONNIE I have my own problems, Bernard. I have to get this tooth fixed before our next flight. I don't have time to worry about what those two dummies are doing. BERNARD Forget them. I'm the dummy I'm worried about. This flight could delay our turn back to LA, and I have a date at Musso & Frank's with a married Swede I met in a chat room. RONNIE I'm sorry, but I cannot always be fixing everybody else's stuff. If you want to stop the fight, be my guest and stop the fight. Let's go, Artem. ARTEM No, oh, just a moment, I have to give Nichole my secret recipe for.queso. ARTEM 'Kay so, there's gonna be a lot of action on this pilot fight. Hashtag pilot fight. I have no time for bets, but as my protégé, you are in charge. NICHOLE Artem, I'm so honored. Wait. We're gonna be splitting that money 50-50, right? Because I'm gonna need cash if I'm gonna start buying fresh water lakes. It's what the wars of the future will be fought over. ARTEM Of course, we're equal partners. Hey, I have a strong feeling that Captain Dave will win this fight. He has this sad rage in him. That means you have to encourage hefty bets on Captain Steve. NICHOLE You can count on me. ARTEM I know I can. NICHOLE ARTEM That's why the little black book is yours. NICHOLE Wow! Steffi Graf? Angela Merkel? Sade? ARTEM I'm sorry, that's the wrong little black book. Here. NICHOLE Oh. CAPTAIN DAVE BERNARD Dave. You and I need to talk. CAPTAIN DAVE We do. Which of these do you like? I'm looking for something intimidating that breathes and doesn't skimp on style. BERNARD You don't have to do this. You're the guy who's still flying. You already won. And I'll be the real winner when I'm sharing a shrimp cocktail with my Swedish orthopedist, Bjorn. The 'j' is silent, just like his love for me. CAPTAIN DAVE Look. I have to fight Steve. My honor is at stake, here. Like, when I was a teenager my dad was gonna buy that ski resort to turn into condos until a scrappy ski instructor beat me in that race down Devil's Backbone. COLIN So you were the villain in an 80s ski movie? CAPTAIN DAVE No, I was the good guy. Those condos would’ve been state of the art. Look, everyone that works in this airport knows that Steve challenged me. If I back out now, I'll lose their respect and maybe never get it back. I can't let them see me as a coward. BERNARD Colin, will you please talk some sense and tell Dave this fight won't solve anything? COLIN Well, actually, it may solve quite a lot. As a University-trained boxer, I believe that physical confrontation is an effective and downright zesty means of conflict resolution. You know, I have some time before I pick my son up from school. Maybe we could train together? I'll show you some tips. CAPTAIN DAVE Let's do it then. Donna, put this on my tab. BERNARD And here you stand, Bernard, forsaken and alone—like a young Hedy Lamarr's Joan of Arc—with no around to tell you they don't get that reference. RONNIE All right, we don't have time to go to a real dentist's office, so hopefully this place will have to work. ARTEM Oh, this is like a little airport hospital. Is this where sick airplanes go? RONNIE This is the Vegas airport medical office. It's mainly used for hangovers, stripper heel ankle sprains and people still tripping from last night's EDM show. TRIPPING GUY I need to lick something or else I'll die. RONNIE I just don't know if they have any dentist stuff here. ARTEM Don't worry. I got my own dental emergency kit. I have some fun pokey things, and some fun scrape-y things. RONNIE Whatever. Just use all of it. You have half an hour, so start scraping and start poking. ARTEM Okay, listen. One important question before we start. Which tablet would you like to use for cartoons? The panda or penguin? RONNIE Artem, I'm not a child. Penguin. ARTEM Good choice. COLIN Okay, David, we are gonna start with a simple combination. Jab-cross, then you slip when I counter. CAPTAIN DAVE Ow. That's not cool. COLIN That's okay. We'll go again. Remember to dodge when I counter. CAPTAIN DAVE You don't have to tell me twice. COLIN Okay. CAPTAIN DAVE Try again. COLIN Why don't you use your martial arts training for this fight? CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, I would never. Muay Thai is a sacred discipline whose purpose is the enrichment of the soul. Besides, they moved my book club to Tuesday nights, so I had to make some hard choices. COLIN Yeah, schedules can be difficult. That's fine, we'll go again. Okay. Jab-cross, slip. Just.slip means get out of the way, so, again, that's jab-cross-get out of the way. CAPTAIN DAVE Damn it. This would be easier if I knew which hand you were punching with. Just tell me, right or left, and then I'll move. COLIN Steve's not gonna announce which hand he's gonna punch you with. CAPTAIN DAVE He will, if we make it a rule, like in pool. You call the pocket first. Eight ball, corner pocket. Same thing, left hand your face. COLIN Oh, God. This is gonna be harder than I thought. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh. COLIN Come on, man, I was wiping my brow. CAPTAIN DAVE Then do my rule. Call out left hand, wiping brow. CHUCK Wait, so Captain Steve and Captain Dave are gonna fight? NICHOLE Oh, yeah. We're calling it Pilot Pummel One The Rematch. 10 to one, Dave wins in a knockout. Are you in? CHUCK Hell yeah. With those odds, uh, put me down for $50 on Steve. NICHOLE Just $50? Come on. If you put in $250, I'll make one of those whisper videos where I talk real quiet while I fold a napkin. CHUCK Deal. NICHOLE $250 on Steve. NICHOLE $100 on Steve. NICHOLE $500 on Steve. NICHOLE Steve. NICHOLE $1,500 on Steve.and Dave falling in love? ALAN I'm a romantic. CAPTAIN STEVE BERNARD Steve, listen. Happy birthday, Mr. President. Listen, you. I'm calling off this fight. CAPTAIN STEVE Stay out of this, Bernard. BERNARD Say my name again. No! This is crazy. You are two grown men. You shouldn't be settling your differences in a lost luggage room in the middle of the day. You're not fighting. Now, say my name again. CAPTAIN STEVE This is happening. There's nothing you can do to stop it. BERNARD You just got caught up in the moment. Take a step back, and think about this. CAPTAIN STEVE Think about this? Please. That's all I've thought about for months. I'm not meeting with the Jackpot Review Board. The only reason I was on that plane was to get Dave to fight me, and I've spent every day since that flight waiting, watching, training. BERNARD White lightning. CAPTAIN STEVE That's right, Bernard. This isn't gonna be a fight. It's gonna be a massacre. ARTEM Okay, Ronnie. So I cemented the temporary cap to your molar. I want you to bite down on this cotton roll until the cement is dry, okay? RONNIE Uh.mm-hmm. BERNARD Ronnie. Problem. This pilot fight is getting out of hand. Steve is gonna murder Dave. RONNIE What are you talking about? BERNARD I saw him warming up. He's so powerful and raw. In my Revenant fantasy, he'll now be starring as the bear. ARTEM Hey. Captain Steve is gonna win? BERNARD Yes. I need you. This is not my department. This is like sporting goods, and I'm men's fragrances. RONNIE Ah, if Dave is really in trouble. ARTEM No-no-no, you're not going nowhere. Open mouth. RONNIE Ah! Mm. ARTEM Close it. Today you have to be patient. Both as a noun and adjective. RONNIE But I have. ARTEM No buts! Dr. Artem's order. You have to wait here until the cement is dry. It's gonna be like 20 minutes. No moving, no talking. BERNARD What about the fight? ARTEM I'll fix it. ARTEM Okay, Captain Steve is gonna win, so we have to change the betting line immediately. BERNARD This was your plan to handle it? ARTEM Yes, because Nichole and I were gonna lose money. Wasn't that everybody's concern? NICHOLE Artem, I've already taken thousands of dollars of bets on Steve. ARTEM Thousands? Oh, we have to stop this fight. BERNARD Bitch, I've been saying that for the last half hour. CAPTAIN DAVE So, what do you think? Not too bad, huh? COLIN Well, you stopped yelling "punch" every time you threw a punch, so that's progress. Why don't we take a short break? Okay, you catch your breath. Maybe put your affairs in order, and we'll meet back here in five. How's that, champ? CAPTAIN DAVE Punch-punch! Ah! I'm doing it again. COLIN Quick update get here immediately. RONNIE Is this about the fight? Artem and Bernard are handling it. COLIN Right, nobody is handling anything. Do you know how I know? Because right now I am watching Steve walk into this room. RONNIE I am not supposed to move. I shouldn't even be talking. COLIN Look Ronnie, I know you don't want this role. But you are quite possibly the only person in this entire airport capable of stopping an imminent calamity. We need you. CAPTAIN DAVE Punch-punch! Woo! COLIN CAPTAIN DAVE So what are you saying? He punched a wall? Big deal. I've punched hundreds of them. Besides, Colin's been training me. I'm good. COLIN No, you're quite literally the worst boxer I've ever seen. BERNARD You should walk away now while you still have the use of your legs. ARTEM Yeah, you might die. CAPTAIN DAVE Why the hell didn't you tell me all this sooner? I can't back down now. Look at all these people watching. I'll lose their respect forever. NICHOLE There is another way. You could fight dirty. It's cheap, and you'd have to completely abandon your dignity. CAPTAIN DAVE Great, let's do that then. ARTEM So, stick to biting, pulling hair and, if in doubt, you throw sand in his face. COLIN Wait, you carry sand around in your pocket? ARTEM Yeah, it's a good thing I do, right? CAPTAIN STEVE You ready to rumble you son of a bitch? CAPTAIN DAVE Am I? BERNARD Go get 'em. COLIN Why not? Okay. AIRPORT WORKERS AIRPORT WORKERS CAPTAIN STEVE I've been dreaming about kicking your ass for a long time, Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, that's not gonna happen so keep dreaming, Pam Ewing! CAPTAIN STEVE Huh? CAPTAIN DAVE From Dallas. All of season 9 was Pam Ewing's dream. You never watched Dallas? CAPTAIN STEVE I believe it's pronounced Die-as. CAPTAIN DAVE Say good-night, Steve! RONNIE Stop! That is enough. What the hell are you two doing? You're acting like children. CAPTAIN DAVE Show me one child with a mustache like this. Foreigners don't count. RONNIE Oh, if you two idiots could forget about this stupid grudge for one minute, I bet you'd realize you have a lot in common. CAPTAIN STEVE Like what? RONNIE Uh.well, um.oh, Seger! You like Bob Seger. So does Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE I don't like Bob Seger. I love Bob Seger. RONNIE Okay, okay. What else? Uh. BERNARD Steve drives a Miata! RONNIE Oh! You both love cars marketed to women. CAPTAIN STEVE What's wrong with a sporty car that's tight around corners? CAPTAIN DAVE My Pontiac Sunfire used to have 'em screaming. Just ask my ex, Keisha. CAPTAIN STEVE Keisha? I dated a Keisha. Distefano? CAPTAIN DAVE Berardi. CAPTAIN STEVE Both Italian. DAVE Both Italian. RONNIE Now do you see what I'm talking about. CAPTAIN STEVE Huh. This might be weird, but do you also, um, sometimes feel like the sky is the only one that understands you? CAPTAIN DAVE Sometimes? Try all the time. CAPTAIN STEVE My God. CAPTAIN DAVE We're like the same person. RONNIE You see? You were both about to beat up the only other person in the world who truly gets you. CAPTAIN DAVE Friends? CAPTAIN STEVE Brothers. AIRPORT WORKERS Ah! Oh, man. RONNIE Oh my God, people. Get a life! MERNINE Fight already! COLIN Hey, champ. How's the tooth? RONNIE Oh.Artem has to redo the whole thing. But luckily the luggage knocked out another tooth, and that hurts a lot more. COLIN Well, even though it cost you a pair of teeth, at least you can feel good knowing that yet again you saved the day. RONNIE Yeah. At least being the person who fixes other people's screwups makes my life seem less like a mess. COLIN Well, you're in luck because none of us are in any danger of getting our acts together.ever. Hey, guys. You two must be happy. You narrowly avoided losing heaps of money. ARTEM Mm-mm. We lost a bundle. To Alan. RONNIE But the fight didn't even happen? NICHOLE Right. Because Steve and Dave fell in love. ARTEM Mm. ALAN Ronnie. Will you hold this money for me? Otherwise, it'll go right up my nose. CAPTAIN STEVE I can't thank you enough for helping me earn back my wings. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, we're brothers. And I told those Jackpot suits, if my brother can't fly, I can't fly. And now look at us. Two straight-up Norse Gods ready to conquer the sky. And to think, I almost gave you a beatdown. CAPTAIN STEVE Don't make me laugh, old man. I would've kicked your ass from here to Die-as-Fort Worth. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, time to fly. Let's do this. CAPTAIN STEVE Uh. What are you doing? CAPTAIN DAVE What do you mean? I'm the pilot. You're the co-pilot. CAPTAIN STEVE I don't co-anything. I'm the Captain. CAPTAIN DAVE You are loco in the cabeza if you think you're gonna fly this thing. Out of my way! CAPTAIN STEVE No, get out of my way! CAPTAIN DAVE Get out of my way! CAPTAIN STEVE God! BERNARD This is so dumb.