ALAN ALEX ANNOUNCER ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN CRAIG DANNY FEMALE_STUDENT FEMALE_STUDENT_2 HILLARY_EILEEN JARED MERNINE NICHOLE PEOPLE PILOT RICHARD RONNIE STUDENT STUDENTS WOMAN CAPTAIN DAVE This is your captain. As we make our final descent to Los Angeles, we here at Jackpot would like to thank you for being a. BERNARD Thank you, sir. RONNIE Thank you. Can you just push that up? CAPTAIN DAVE Son of a bitch! You bunch of useless bastards! CAPTAIN DAVE How do you miss that shot? ALAN Should you be doing that right now? CAPTAIN DAVE Got a lot of money running on this game. More than your car is worth. ALAN You bet $80,000 on a game? CAPTAIN DAVE What? No, what the hell kind of car do you. Somebody grab a rebound! ALAN Well, if you want to focus on that, I can land the. CAPTAIN DAVE Stop talking. Every time you talk, the other team scores. ANNOUNCER Amazing, oh my goodness. CAPTAIN DAVE Damn it. Now that you're not talking, the other team is scoring more. Talk again. ALAN Um, well, when, when I was young I-I saw my best friend get kidnapped from a movie theater. I didn't say anything. CAPTAIN DAVE Come on, come on, shoot. Shoot! Shoot! Oh, God. ANNOUNCER And that will do it. One of the most stunning comebacks for a team. ALAN Did you win? PILOT Check all your lights. Northeast bound to Las Vegas. BERNARD Remember that announcement I made a few minutes ago? About everyone closing their laptops before landing? COLIN Yeah. BERNARD You're right. I didn't mean you. You're different. You're special. You're not understanding sarcasm. COLIN I'm sorry, Bernard. But my professor evaluations just came through. And I only got one apple out of five. I once got a staph infection at an Airbnb, I still gave it two stars. NICHOLE Well, you could think of it as a challenge. And you have no idea how boring it gets getting only good reviews all the time. COLIN Hmm. NICHOLE Especially when those good reviews are covered by nothing but a thin layer of sweatpant. BERNARD I remember the good old days when people would dress up to be perverts. I once saw Gregory Peck walk into a strip club in top hat and tails. COLIN You know the worst part? None of the students even left comments. How am I supposed to know what I'm doing wrong? ARTEM Wait. I say, it's better without comments. Hearing the truth never helps. I'll give you example. Hey, you have weird neck. And you gave it to baby. You see? BERNARD That was pathetic. RONNIE Thank you for flying Jackpot. Thanks. Oh! Wait, no, no, no, that's not garbage.My life is in here. I got evicted from my apartment and only had ten minutes to pack. This is everything I own worth keeping. BERNARD Oh, Ronnie. You continue to teach me that "sad" is a diamond with infinite facets. How did you get yourself evicted? RONNIE Well. RONNIE Instead of focusing on the negative, they could've just been happy I'm trying to quit smoking. BERNARD I wish it was 2005, so I could call you a hot mess. I mean, I can tell how many glasses of wine you had last night just by looking at you. Three. RONNIE BERNARD Oh, girl, and it was boxed. RONNIE Actually, it was canned. COLIN Bernard, that's brilliant. That's the kind of insight I need. Could you come to my class and tell me what's wrong with my teaching? I need your brutal but cheeky honesty. RONNIE No, don't help him. Help me. BERNARD Okay, you have the posture of a Disney witch. RONNIE No, not more insults. I need somewhere to stay until I find a new apartment. BERNARD Okay, fine. You can stay with me. Briefly. And you, King's Speech. I'll come to your class and rip you apart. But I need to know. Do you have a family history of insecurity and depression? COLIN Well, I'm British. So, yes. Yeah. ARTEM Hey, Captain Dave. Captain Dave! Run to my voice. Captain Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, hey, Artem. I didn't see you there. ARTEM No, that was a tough loss. You know, I wish everyone could be winners, but then there would be no one that owed me money. By the way! You owe me money! CAPTAIN DAVE You know what? I don't have it on me or near me. ARTEM I will get it the day after today. CAPTAIN DAVE Tomorrow? ARTEM Deal! Just tell me where you live. I'll come, get money. CAPTAIN DAVE I'm actually flying out to Wyoming, but don't worry, I'll let you know as soon as I'm back in town. Oh, here's my ride. ARTEM Say hello to Wyoming. Of all Tetons, they have the grandest. RONNIE Hi, roomie. BERNARD Here are the house rules. No shoes on the Bowron sheepskin, pillows are decorative unless otherwise noted, and your bathroom is the Bristol Farms down the street. This is the whole list. RONNIE I didn't know they made a font this small. BERNARD 600 is Kimono Hour. If you don't have a kimono, you'll be rented one at a competitive rate. RONNIE I think I have one of those. BERNARD That is a sari. What're you trying to pull? RONNIE Okay. So, lots of rules. But that's okay, I can handle this. Anything else I should know? BERNARD Yes. Never, no matter what you see, what you hear, never, ever, open that red door. So, welcome, girl. RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, hey, Artem, I know I said I'd be back soon, but I'm still in Yellowstone. Three, two, one, wow, that's a reliable geyser. Well, got to go. No reception. Ronnie? RONNIE Hands off, I have Hep C! Um, I'm sorry, that's a little technique I learned at a self-defense class. CAPTAIN DAVE Did you sleep here? What happened to staying with Bernard? RONNIE It just didn't work out. BERNARD Ronnie. RONNIE BERNARD Was I not clear? RONNIE So, we mutually agreed to part ways. It was just so many rules, and rules are for work. You know? When I get home, I just want to relax and open any door I want. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, you can't stay here. Sleeping in places like this is probably how you got Hep C in the first place. RONNIE No, I don't-I don't actually have. You know, I'll be fine. When I'm in LA, I'll sleep here, and on layovers, Jackpot puts us up in a hotel anyway. Lots of flight attendants do it, just look at Mernine. MERNINE This is my favorite episode of Friends. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, hey, Mernine. Look, I hate seeing you like this. And as your mentor. RONNIE You are not my mentor. CAPTAIN DAVE it's my job to help you tap into your potential. So I'm gonna make you an offer I've never extended to anyone before. I'm inviting you to stay with me until you get back on your feet. RONNIE Thank you, but I'm fine. This place isn't that bad. I have a roof over my head, comfortable couch. CAPTAIN DAVE Mernine is 34 years old. RONNIE Yeah, let's get out of here. MERNINE Thank you for flying Jackpot. ON-SCREEN TEXT MERNINE COLIN And so the principle of opportunity cost, as demonstrated very clearly in this next slide is. Why are the lights on? What's going on? BERNARD I'll tell you what's going on. You. And on and on and on and on. You bored everyone out of here. COLIN Well, not everyone. Thank you for staying, Alex. Oh. ALEX It was too dangerous to leave with the lights off. I thought about it. Thought about it a lot. COLIN So how did I do? Give it to me straight. BERNARD I'm gonna start with what you did right. You asked me to come here. That's it. COLIN Okay, that can't be it. Come on, this is a compliment sandwich situation, I'm assuming. There's going to be more at the end? BERNARD This sandwich is open-faced. You're so dull. You're like a textbook that made a wish to become a real boy. COLIN Well, what do I do? I mean, I need your help. Improve me. BERNARD Sorry. I don't build people up, I just tear them down. But, I do know someone who's very good with men. And up for the challenge. NICHOLE Who's horny for sex-onomics? COLIN That's "economics." NICHOLE Are you serious right now? RONNIE Thanks again for letting me crash with you, Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE You don't have to thank me, Ronnie, that's what I'm here for. That and herbal life supplements. It worked for me, it can work for you. But we'll get to that later. RONNIE Hey, you know what? I'm actually not parked in this lot. Do you want to just give me your address and I can meet you there? CAPTAIN DAVE No need. We're already here. RONNIE I don't understand. CAPTAIN DAVE This is my home. Welcome to Parking Lot B. PEOPLE CAPTAIN DAVE So, we've got a ping pong table and dining patio. There's a fire pit over there and that's Richard. He's a beautiful theremin player. Well, we're guessing. None of us heard a theremin before. And that little honey right there? Is my place. Her name's Lucy. The trailer, not the mermaid. The mermaid's name is Sea-yonce. RONNIE Wait. This is really where you live? In a trailer park in an airport parking lot? CAPTAIN DAVE A trailer park? Please. Parking Lot B is a trailer aviation community. It's our sanctuary. Everyone has a story of how this place saved them. For me? It pulled me out of the rubble of my third marriage. RONNIE Yeah, yeah, it does have FEMA vibe. CAPTAIN DAVE And the people here? Are the finest you'll ever meet. We have a true kinship. Like a group of teenagers who accidentally killed a man last summer. CRAIG Captain D in the place to be. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, Craig and Danny. They're structures mechanics for American and two damn fine carpenters. And that cool kitten is Hillary Eileen. She's a customer service agent for Spirit, but around here, she's known as our Chief Vibe Officer. How's the vibe today, Hillary Eileen? HILLARY EILEEN Chill. CAPTAIN DAVE You're damn right it is. Oh, you hear that? WOMAN CAPTAIN DAVE That's Manny's drum circle. Gonna be some fire in the mountain tonight. RONNIE Okay, uh, you know what, Dave? This-This all seems really, uh, interesting, but I just, I just don't know if this place is for me. I mean it's not for. CAPTAIN DAVE I missed that. You have to time your talking to the flyovers. You'll pick up on it eventually. It happens every three minutes. RONNIE I was saying this is really weird. CAPTAIN DAVE Hmm. RONNIE And I'm just gonna go back to the crew lounge. Mernine's making a corned beef for dinner. CAPTAIN DAVE I was skeptical at first, too. But that was before I realized what this place is really about. Freedom. You don't have to worry about anyone giving you a list of rules here because there are no rules. In Lot B, we switch our lives to "airplane mode." RONNIE That actually does sound pretty good. CAPTAIN DAVE So. What do you say we head over to Manny's Winnebago for a Craig-blown glass of Cheryl's homemade wine? RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE CAPTAIN DAVE Shoo. Shoo. RONNIE I love Parking. Lot B! NICHOLE Before I can teach you anything, I need to know what I'm working with. So get up here, pretend it's your class, and show us what you've got. COLIN Okay. Oh. Hello, class. NICHOLE I'm gonna stop you right there. BERNARD Thank you, that was torture. COLIN I'm sorry, no offense, I don't see how you can help me. I mean, we work in, let's just say, vastly different fields. And I don't doubt your ability to command an audience. But you do have the advantage of being, what's the word? Naked. NICHOLE So? Every girl on that stage is naked. Sit down. Who can tell me the difference between a girl who makes one dollar tips and ten dollar tips? BERNARD Scars. Literal and emotional. NICHOLE Confidence. The ten dollar girls believe in themselves enough to take chances. So tell me. Are you a one dollar stripper, or are you a ten dollar stripper? COLIN I suppose I'm a ten dollar stripper. NICHOLE No. COLIN Yeah, you're right. I'm a one dollar stripper. NICHOLE No. COLIN Well, what do you want me to say? NICHOLE I want you to say you're a $20 stripper. COLIN Well, that's not fair, that wasn't one of the options. NICHOLE Say it. Say "I'm a $20 stripper!" COLIN I'm a $20 stripper! NICHOLE Do you believe it? COLIN I don't know! NICHOLE Louder! COLIN I am a $20 stripper! NICHOLE Good. Now we can begin. FEMALE STUDENT Excuse me. Are you guys gonna be using this room for a while longer? 'Cause, uh, we're still trying to study. BERNARD News flash, study group. Nerd chic is over. Loveable losers are just losers again. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, we need to talk. I'm glad you're embracing Parking Lot B. And we're all especially impressed how quickly you picked up timing the flyovers, but as your mentor. RONNIE Not my mentor. CAPTAIN DAVE Fine, then as your friend and as your mentor, I'm saying you have to take it down a notch. RONNIE What are you talking about? CAPTAIN DAVE All right, let's start with Danny and Craig. Don't get me wrong, I'm all about sexual liberation, but they are brothers, and you did make out with both of them, and again, brothers. RONNIE In my defence, I thought they were the same person. CAPTAIN DAVE Which brings us to your drinking. Look at this. The life vests are meant to serve four. CAPTAIN DAVE And what about Hillary Eileen's garden? All those pigeons cleaned it out. RONNIE It's a garden, it grows back. CAPTAIN DAVE It's seasonal, Ronnie. We won't see gorgeous tomatoes like that till next harvest. I think we need to set some guidelines. RONNIE Oh, so rules. CAPTAIN DAVE No. Guidelines. Lot B doesn't have rules. And will you cover up? There are children landing in this flight path. RONNIE Ugh. You know what? You sold this place like it was a paradise where we could do whatever we want and now you're getting pissed off just because I'm having a little fun. I mean, what's the big deal? CAPTAIN DAVE The big deal is that I vouched for you. And now you're taking advantage of my generosity. Everything that you do reflects back on me. RONNIE What are you talking about? None of this affects you. ARTEM Captain David, you lied to me. CAPTAIN DAVE Artem. How do you know where I live? ARTEM Oh, Ronnie posted many party pictures on Instagram. Proving you never went to Yellowstone. No, you tried to disappear like the frown on my face when I see bubble. CAPTAIN DAVE You put this on Instagram? I told you, we live off the grid. We switch our lives to "airplane mode." RONNIE I thought that was a metaphor. CAPTAIN DAVE I don't speak in metaphors. They confuse me. ARTEM If you're not gonna pay me my money, I'm gonna take some items from your "Windy-bagel." CAPTAIN DAVE Come on, Artem. I'll get you your money in a few days. ARTEM And until you do, I'm gonna hold onto your food TV. CAPTAIN DAVE What have you done? This was supposed to be our place away from grounders. Especially grounders I owe money to. RONNIE How was I supposed to know that? You can't blame this on me. CRAIG Ronnie. You have to choose. Which one of us do you like more? RONNIE Okay, this one you can blame on me. DANNY She clearly likes me more. We made out first. CRAIG Which means you weren't enough for her. RONNIE Okay, okay, you guys. You guys it's all right. ARTEM Oh, I'm taking your watch and also your milk, so I don't have to stop on my way home. RONNIE CRAIG Holy. DANNY It's not fair. I get the next girl. RICHARD Fellas, cool it. Come on. My theremining hand. I think it's broken. CAPTAIN DAVE This is a disaster. Hillary Eileen. What's the vibe? HILLARY EILEEN Harsh. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, no. This is the first time it's ever been below dank. CRAIG You know what? You can have her. I am out of here. DANNY Craig, wait. RONNIE See? It fixed itself. I know a guy who can patch that right up. RICHARD This is all your fault, Dave. Why would you bring her here? CAPTAIN DAVE I think it's time for you to leave. BERNARD Is he ready? NICHOLE I don't know. We just went over a few things, but I threw a lot at him. STUDENTS COLIN Ladies and gentlemen. Today's class is gonna be a little different. So sit back, and let Professor Colin stimulate your brain. FEMALE STUDENT 2 Oh, my God. COLIN will trickle down to the rest of the market. But it doesn't, does it? Huh? You're a bad little textbook, aren't you? Oh, yeah. You're bad. COLIN And the danger of too much growth is the bubble bursts. COLIN And when supply drops. Oops. STUDENT COLIN To meet demand, prices will slowly rise. COLIN And what's the best way to visualize the central limit theory? Oh. Oh. I'm gonna make you wait for it. It's a bell curve! COLIN And when Adam Smith talked about the "invisible hands," what two theories did that inspire? JARED Creative destruction and, um. COLIN Come on, Jared, you can get there. The invisible hands, manipulating the market, working the knots out of the market. JARED Spontaneous order! STUDENTS BERNARD Oh, how I miss the theater. NICHOLE At Grapefruits, we ring a cowbell anytime that happens. ARTEM Hey, Ronnie. Look at this, Captain Dave gave me a greeting card with a picture of an apology cat. Makes me feel bad for yelling at him. Now I am apology cat. RONNIE Did he also give you the rest of the money he owes you. ARTEM You are completely missing the point. RONNIE Tough week? COLIN Yeah. RONNIE What happened to you? COLIN Inadvertently made a student sexually climax. You? RONNIE Got kicked out of Dave's perfect society for no reason. COLIN Really? No reason? RONNIE Really? "Inadvertently"? I-I guess I got a little out of control. Dave tried to do something nice for me, and I completely screwed it up for him. COLIN So? What are you gonna do now? RONNIE I know, I know. Put that judgemental eyebrow away. RONNIE Captain Dave, it's Ronnie. Come on, open the door. I'm not leaving until you talk to me. RONNIE Hey, why did you turn on the. BERNARD Saw that coming. RONNIE Not cool. NICHOLE I bet you've got five apples now. COLIN Indeed. But I do feel kind of dirty. NICHOLE That's what happens when you dance the day shift. But if it makes you feel better, I'm really happy I came to your class. Even if it meant turning down that guy who offered me a grand to sit by his pool and eat a hamburger. But hey, I guess $1000 is my opportunity cost, right? COLIN Wait! What did you just say? NICHOLE Some short guys pay pretty girls to. COLIN No, no, the other thing. That is the perfect example of opportunity cost. Did you learn that from my class? NICHOLE Yeah. I'm thinking about taking an economics class next semester. COLIN Good for you, Nichole. And I'm glad I got through to one person. Even though, she's not my student. NICHOLE And another positive thing- those moves I taught you can be used outside the classroom. COLIN Okay. Like in the hallway? NICHOLE Like in the bedroom. COLIN I don't teach a class in the bedroom. NICHOLE Oh, my God, are you serious right now? RONNIE Captain Dave! CAPTAIN DAVE We're not here. ALAN But we are. RONNIE Come on, Dave. Let me in! CAPTAIN DAVE Hello. RONNIE So, uh, how's Lot B? CAPTAIN DAVE Well, we replanted the garden, and Hillary Eileen says the vibe is back up to "bueno," so that's something. RONNIE Hey, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for any of that to happen. I just wasn't thinking. CAPTAIN DAVE I get it, Ronnie. You spend half your life confined to a 500 square foot tube, breathing recycled air. So you want to spend that other half running naked running naked through the streets, screaming, "I am alive!" RONNIE Yeah. That sounds kind of right. Hey, Alan, so you mind if I? CAPTAIN DAVE When I was a young pilot, on my days off, I used to go to restaurants and send back perfectly prepared food just to feel. ALAN I had a massive cocaine problem. RONNIE So, how did you get over that? ALAN The trick is to give yourself just a little taste sometimes to keep the demons away. CAPTAIN DAVE No. You learn your limits. You find a balance. RONNIE So, you're saying I grow up. CAPTAIN DAVE No, you're saying it. Which is better. And as your mentor. RONNIE Today, in this very specific situation, I'll give it to you. CAPTAIN DAVE You're welcome back at Parking Lot B. We had a vote and unanimously invited you back - well, not unanimous. Craig abstained because he's still missing. RONNIE Thank you, Dave. But if I really want to change, I know where I need to go. RONNIE Before you say anything, I brought my own kimono. BERNARD That's a barbecue grill cover. But at least you're trying. Get in. RONNIE Where's the red door? BERNARD What red door, Ronnie?