ALAN ANNETTE ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE CHUCK COLIN CROWD DAVE IZZY MAN NATE NICHOLE NOT_IZZY ONLOOKERS PA PASSENGERS RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, old girl. You ready to bend gravity over and have our way with it? Hola, amigo. IZZY I'm Hawaiian. CAPTAIN DAVE Sorry. Aloha, amigo. Listen, Izzy. We go way back, so I don't mind saying, you guys are slipping. Your job is to clean this plane from soup to nuts, and you're doing a great job on the soup, but the nuts need a little more attention. I can't spend my time cleaning my own cockpit. Unless any of you know how to land a plane and want to switch jobs. IZZY I'm actually at 1300 pilot hours, so. CAPTAIN DAVE Exactly. So moving forward, let's see some of that extra effort. Kobe. DAVE Jackpot Airlines. Northeast bound to Las Vegas. RONNIE Oh. Look at the bag on this one. Good luck getting that in the overhead. BERNARD Ugh. Tiny white women have no idea how much trouble they are. You're a nightmare. NATE Pick me up. RONNIE This feel like a trap. COLIN Sorry. I'm so sorry. Uh. Awkward introductions. This is my son, Nate. He had an accident and escaped mid-change. Don't worry, all the poop's been wiped up. It's just standard airport filth on him now. BERNARD If I had knees like that, I'd never take off my pants. COLIN It's his first time coming to LA with me, so as you can see, it's incredibly stressful. RONNIE Oh, well, um. Hello, Nate. It's nice to meet you. COLIN What are you doing? RONNIE You're supposed to let them smell your hand first so they know you're friendly. COLIN You're thinking of dogs. You don't have a lot of experience with children, do you? RONNIE No, but in middle school, I did go to a lot of my friends' baby showers. COLIN Oh, look, Nate. There's the pilot. He's gonna be flying the big plane. CAPTAIN DAVE Captain Dave. Don't do drugs. Yet. COLIN Um. NICHOLE Is that my little Nate-ball? Aw. I could just snort you up. ARTEM Hi there, big boy. Do you remember us from your birthday party? I'm your uncle Artem. COLIN Just Artem. That's fine. ARTEM What is that? Behind your ear? Ooh! COLIN Thank. NICHOLE Aw. He's a natural. ARTEM Yeah. CAPTAIN DAVE There he is. Z. Hope you don't mind the tough love before. IZZY No, in fact, it inspired us. I feel like we did an extra good job today. CAPTAIN DAVE Good, good. I mean, obviously, I'll be the judge of that but I like the confidence. Another bit of advice When you smile at stuff, it looks suspicious. ARTEM Are you okay? I can see your body glitter, but that usual sparkle is gone. NICHOLE It wasn't a great weekend. Last night, I'm at the club wearing my school girl outfit, ready to dance, and the DJ intro'd me by saying "Don't worry, guys. She's legal." ARTEM So, legal is no good? NICHOLE No, don't you understand? Before, I was "barely legal" now I'm just "legal." You take out that "barely" and I'm just another middle-aged girl dancing the brunch shift. ARTEM But, uh- NICHOLE Oh, my god, I can smell the middle age on me. It smells of old and death. ARTEM No, that's not you. And I have smelled death before. It has relief in it.Oh, this is much worse. PASSENGERS NICHOLE Ugh, what is that? ARTEM NICHOLE I can taste it. ARTEM Don't worry, I'll get to the bottom of this. Ronnie! PASSENGERS RONNIE BERNARD Yeah, it's rough back there. The smell has moved up to row eight, we have to do something. ALAN I can't smell anything ever since I snorted wasabi on a dare. CAPTAIN DAVE I'm sorry Alan, you should have said truth. RONNIE Does anyone know where the hell it's coming from? CAPTAIN DAVE Have we checked if anyone brought on. RONNIE It's not ethnic food. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, one of these stinky grounders brought something, because my boys didn't say anything about a smell. BERNARD Your boys? CAPTAIN DAVE The cleaning crew. I talked to them this morning. BERNARD That'll explain. RONNIE There it is. CAPTAIN DAVE It's not like that. I came on, gave a pep talk, shot some hoops, they called me Kobe. RONNIE Well, we can't make people fly like this. So I guess it's time to make everyone angry. BERNARD So sorry. Thank you for your patience. Don't worry, the smell isn't him. COLIN No, I know, this just smells much better. Ew. PASSENGERS PA Flight 237 with nonstop service to Los Angeles has been delayed until further notice. We apologize for the inconvenience. MAN Excuse me, uh, the contents of this briefcase need to be in Los Angeles by 500 p.m. RONNIE It should just be a minor delay. MAN The contents of this briefcase need to be in Los Angeles by 500 p.m. RONNIE Okay. Sit tight. COLIN Uh, Ronnie, hi. Yeah, I know, I know the plane has been cleared. Is there anyway I can pop back on and get something? RONNIE What do you think this is? September 10th? COLIN It's just I left Nate's Yellow Bear and he's very attached to it. If he wakes up, it's not there, he's gonna have a meltdown. RONNIE Can't you just feed him a treat and rub his belly? COLIN I'm very concerned about your understanding of human children. RONNIE Fine, I will get the bear. But I want him to know I'm the hero. I mean, I don't want hugs or affection, but I want the credit. COLIN I will teach him the concept of credit and have him direct it toward you. RONNIE Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Where are you two going? CAPTAIN DAVE Away from the smell. RONNIE No, you have to go back in there and fix it since this is your fault. CAPTAIN DAVE You're way, way off base on this. Those guys love me. I'm like an inner city principal that finally got through to them. RONNIE Then it's time to "stand and deliver." You still have to find the smell. CAPTAIN DAVE Why? RONNIE Because you're the captain, damn it. And they didn't give you that title because you run away from smells, they gave it to you because you're a leader. CAPTAIN DAVE You're right. It's all up to Captain Dave. BERNARD You played to his ego. Smart. RONNIE And I need you to go in and help. You're the only person I trust to watch him with those beautiful ageless eyes that hold the wisdom of a thousand Oprahs. BERNARD I see what you're doing. And it worked. ARTEM Hey. I'll have what she's having. Like the movie. You're Sally and I'm old Jewish woman who wants orgasm. NICHOLE I'm sorry, my day just keeps getting worse. The bartender didn't even card me. I might as well start wearing jackets with shoulder pads and posting on Facebook. ARTEM Hey, listen, I have good news. I'm gonna teach you poker. You will be natural. You see, poker is not just a card game. It is art. It requires intuition, deception and sometimes flirting. NICHOLE Like stripping. ARTEM Bingo is your name-o! Now I will whip out my deck and teach you how to play with it. Which one is bigger number, seven or ten? NICHOLE Ten. ARTEM You are a fast learner. Just like Sheldon on that Big Bang Bazinga show. NICHOLE ARTEM Should we touch fists and make them explode? NICHOLE Okay. ARTEM Explosion! RONNIE Sorry, no bear, but I did find half a joint so I guess I will go see Cirque du Soleil with Artem. COLIN Oh, Yellow Bear wasn't in there? Oh, my god, that means it could be anywhere. Um. Okay, let me think. Uh, I know I had him in the lift. RONNIE The elevator lift or the car lift? British people say things weird. COLIN The car lift, I was holding the bear while Nate finished off his aubergine parmesan. Well that means it must be in the airport. I have to go and find it. We can't start our first week together like this, he'll never want to come back. RONNIE Okay, wait, wait, wait. You're not gonna get anywhere in this place without me, so I'll, I'll help you find him. COLIN Uh, what do I do about Nate? RONNIE Uh, oh, Alan. Can you watch Nate for a little bit? ALAN Sure, I'm great with living things. RONNIE It's true. He tried to help his goldfish find her birth parents. COLIN Perhaps we should be quite quick about this, then. RONNIE If yellow bear is anywhere, he'll be at security. 90% of stuff that gets lost is left here. COLIN This damn bear is the bane of my existence. We never should have given it to him in the first place. Stuffed animals only breed irrational emotional attachments. And if left in the wrong puddle, diphtheria. RONNIE This guy has been left in several puddles and he hasn't given me anything but kisses and hugs. COLIN What is that? RONNIE My irrational emotional attachment. His name is Gonz, well, actually, his full name is Gonz Deeter Gonz. He's from the German hinterlands and he's a former Olympic gymnast who retired to become a coach. COLIN Well, it's funny, 'cause his tag just says "China." RONNIE Would you rather hear about how my dad traded all his cigarettes for him at Wasco State Prison just so I'd have a date to my third grade daddy-daughter dance? COLIN I've never met an Olympian before. RONNIE Mm-hmm. Hey, Annette. Do you have a minute? ANNETTE Ugh, Ronnie, you picked a great day to come. There are some very shady characters we need to keep our eye on. Oh, check out this one. He's trying to smuggle a thermos in his pants. COLIN Hi, we're looking for a stuffed yellow bear. Uh, might have been left here. RONNIE Mm. COLIN Have you seen anything like that? ANNETTE Maybe, but they just did a pickup, so it'd be in the TSA vault by now. RONNIE Okay, thank you, Annette. Let's hit the vault. BERNARD We're making progress. We killed the power to stop air circulation and my candles are containing the smell at row eight. CAPTAIN DAVE You really travel with all these? BERNARD I have a very specific bath to bed ritual. If it's good enough for Angela Bassett, it's good enough for me. RONNIE No, I don't want it contained, Bernard, I want it dead. Find that smell before we screw up the whole day's schedule. BERNARD You married three of those? CAPTAIN DAVE Bernie, give it to me straight. You really think the cleaning crew did this to me on purpose? BERNARD I do. CAPTAIN DAVE But why? Those guys love me? BERNARD They don't. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, maybe not as much as the ground crew. BERNARD They don't either. CAPTAIN DAVE Okay bu- BERNARD They really don't. CAPTAIN DAVE You don't even know what I was gonna say. BERNARD It literally could have been anyone. CAPTAIN DAVE You're crazy, I have a great relationship with everyone in this airport, especially the support staff. I make friendly eye contact, I give away my leftovers, I cover them with newspaper when they look cold. Oh, my god, I treat them like homeless people, I am a monster. BERNARD David, you need to focus. We have to find the smell. I will not let these candles give their lives in vain. CAPTAIN DAVE No wonder people don't like me. I thought I was beloved. But I'm behated. RONNIE COLIN Wow. So this is where all my shampoo and pointy tweezers end up. RONNIE Yep, this place has everything. It's the best place to go if you need face creams, lotions, suspicious vibrators, it's where I do all my Christmas shopping. COLIN Really? Your Christmas shopping. RONNIE Excuse me. Holiday shopping. COLIN No, that wasn't the part I was- it's- doesn't matter. CHUCK Ronnie! RONNIE Chuck, hey. Uh, hello. What're you two doing here? ARTEM Well, this is my poker game during delays and today I bring Nichole, she's my pupil. The best way to learn is to throw her in water, like baby you want to teach swim or to get rid of. NICHOLE I see your Château Lafite-Rothschild and raise you one gold denture and one koala snow globe. COLIN Are you betting with contraband? Doesn't this belong to people? ARTEM Yeah, people not smart enough to hide their things in their tush. RONNIE Ooh. CHUCK No, actually, um, we're looking for a stuffed yellow bear. I think he might have been left in security. COLIN Actually, um, we're looking for a stuffed yellow bear. I think he might have been left in security. CHUCK Narc? RONNIE British. CHUCK Well, we can check in the back. COLIN Okay, great, so uh, how is this organized? Is there somewhere we should look first? CHUCK Start with that shelf. If it's not there, try all the other shelves. COLIN Oh, my God. RONNIE I know. Pretty cool, right? COLIN No, "Oh, my God, this is gonna take forever." RONNIE Oh, yeah. That, too. COLIN I better call Alan to check on Nate. PA Flight 237 has been further delayed. Boarding will now begin at 330 p.m. PASSENGERS MAN The contents of this briefcase need to be in Los Angeles by 500 p.m. ALAN I got your nose! NATE No, I got your nose. ALAN NATE NICHOLE I'm all in. ARTEM Yes, so what do you have? A flush? Kimmy Gibbler's full house? Okay, I fold. NICHOLE Yes, I totally bluffed you. Look, I had nothing. Most of them weren't even the same color. CHUCK Damn, Artem, she owned you. NICHOLE Making money with your clothes on is fun. Who wants to play again? ARTEM No more, I'm done. I will make like Christian and "Bale." CHUCK Whoa. RONNIE Hey, was Nate's bear hollowed out and filled with cocaine, by any chance? COLIN Hm. Don't believe so. RONNIE Then it's none of these. COLIN This is impossible. We're never gonna find a small bear. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack full of terrible life choices. RONNIE Maybe we're looking at this the wrong way. We should be using all this stuff to help us. COLIN How? COLIN Oh. I think I can see something on that shelf over there. Can you check it out? RONNIE I'm on it. RONNIE COLIN Anything? RONNIE No. RONNIE COLIN How is that helping? RONNIE I don't know, it just seems fun. CHUCK Hey, guys. I think they found the bear over by A16. BERNARD I could use your help. The smell is getting stronger.And smarter. What do you want from us? CAPTAIN DAVE Go, Bernard. Save yourself. BERNARD What are you doing? CAPTAIN DAVE I'm gonna let it take me. I understand now, I am the smell. I am the unpleasant thing pushing people away. BERNARD All right. I've had enough. Get up. Here's the truth. Sometimes you can be condescending, oblivious and think you're fancier than you are. You're like the sorbet of people. CAPTAIN DAVE At least I'm low fat. BERNARD But it's okay. You can do what I do. Be your fiercest self and not care what people think. CAPTAIN DAVE Or, I can be better. I can be the leader this airline needs. Tell me honestly, Bernie. Do you like me? BERNARD I don't hate you. And that's the most I could like anyone. NICHOLE Do you want to talk about it? ARTEM I've been playing poker for 40 years and in one hour, you have surpassed me. Artem is in retrogade. NICHOLE No, you should feel good. It means you're a good teacher. ARTEM It means that I wasted my life. All those hours I could have been with my six daughters. I live for those beautiful eleven eyes. Now those eyes will only see failure. NICHOLE I think it was just beginner's luck. I promise. You know, I bet if we played again, you'd totally win. ARTEM No, I'm like an old greyhound whose hips have gone bad. Might as well take me to the kitchen, cook me for dinner. NICHOLE Come on, just one more game. All right? Winner take all. Shuffle up and deal. ARTEM Okay, but this time, we play with chips. Hold the salsa. RONNIE Oh, there's Yellow Bear! Over there! Over there! COLIN Yellow Bear! ANNETTE Sir RONNIE No ANNETTE Please RONNIE A-Annette, that's- that's his son's bear. ANNETTE Step back. It's out of my hands. It's been unattended for too long and it's marked for elimination. COLIN Elimination? What does that mean? CROWD RONNIE COLIN Oh. COLIN I could only find one eye, but this purple skittle will pass for the other one, right? RONNIE Oh, it's okay, Colin. Yellow Bear is in a better place now. Several better places. COLIN I mean, what kind of monster lets this happen to his son's favorite toy? RONNIE Hey, I- I don't know much about kids, but I do know that what's better than having a yellow bear is having a dad who's willing to run all around the airport trying to find it. COLIN I'm sorry. I know you're trying to help, but um, I didn't find it in time. And that's all Nate's gonna care about. RONNIE Oh, you just have a chunk of his face- never mind. RONNIE Hey, what's going on? BERNARD Nichole's giving Artem one last chance to win back his money. RONNIE With the plane. What's going on with the plane? BERNARD Dave said he could handle it himself. I called him sorbet and he took it very personally. RONNIE Don't you call me sorbet? BERNARD No, honey, you're sherbet. ARTEM I'm going all in. NICHOLE I call. ARTEM Okay. Trip kings. NICHOLE You got me. ONLOOKERS ARTEM Looks like the student has become the student. COLIN There's my boy. NATE Shh. Daddy. Where's Yellow Bear? ARTEM Whup. No, no, no, I'll get check. It's the least I can do since you let me win. NICHOLE No, I didn't let you win. ARTEM Whatever you say. But me and my five daughters, we appreciate it. NICHOLE You said you had six daughters. ARTEM Did I? NICHOLE Wha? Wait, you said all of that so- No, butyou were so sad. ARTEM Well, I can bring sadness on command, I've seen many people being ripped apart by horses. You may be good at cards, but you have a lot to learn about hustling. Lesson number one, listen. The game is happening even if the cards are not out. COLIN So, um, I got to talk to you about Yellow Bear. Um. How do I put this? Um. You know how we don't see Grandma anymore? Well- RONNIE Hey, Nate. So, it turns out, Yellow Bear got a spot on Heaven's Olympic team. But, he sent his very special friend to keep you company. And if it's okay, he'd like to come and live with you. NATE I love him. I'm gonna call him Purple Elephant. RONNIE Gonz. His name is Gonz Deeter Gonz. So call him that. He's been around for a long time and he took care of me through some very tough times, so I know he will take good care of you. COLIN That was an incredibly kind gesture. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. Thank you so much. And especially as you could have just given him any one of the stuffed animals from the vault. RONNIE Uh-huh. U-uh-huh. MAN The contents RONNIE of this briefcase will be in Los Angeles by 500 p.m., now sit down! MAN If not, I'll just take my chances with the cartel. RONNIE Great. MAN Sorry to bother you. RONNIE Mm-hmm! CAPTAIN DAVE Amigos, I owe you an apology. I haven't been treating you with the respect that you deserve. You're my engines on the ground and my behavior should reflect that. So, from now on, I promise you'll be seeing a whole new Captain Dave. NOT IZZY We appreciate this but, we're not the guys who clean your plane. You think I'm Izzy, don't you? CAPTAIN DAVE Uh-huh, okay, in that case, these aren't "I'm sorry” pastries, they are "let's keep this between us” pastries. BERNARD So did you fix it? CAPTAIN DAVE I'm oh for three on my apology tour. BERNARD Well, the bakery's out of bear claws. CAPTAIN DAVE We're gonna need a new plane.