AIR_TRAFFIC_CONTROL_SUPERVISOR ALAN ARTEM ATC_GWEN BABY BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN CROWD DEAN DYANA JACK_SPARROW JAMES MALE_PASSENGER NICHOLE PASSENGER PASSENGERS PATRONS PILOT RONNIE WOMEN


ARTEM
Ronnie. Ronnie.
RONNIE
Oh, hey, what is it, Artem?
ARTEM
I'm not very happy right now. If I were an emoji, I would be frown face.
RONNIE
Oh, if this is about your cologne, I already told you, you can't bring that stuff on board, they use it in explosives.
ARTEM
No, that's a separate infuriating issue. This is about luggage. Now Jackpot charge $10 for carry-on. This fee is no good for gambling problem.
RONNIE
I know, it sucks, it's just Jackpot following the other airlines' lead. They're squeezing out every dollar they can.
BERNARD
It's better than when they tried charging for overhead bassinets.
BERNARD

PASSENGERS

BERNARD

BABY

BERNARD
I still have nightmares about the babies I didn't catch.
ARTEM
Well, I'm outraged. I'm gonna give this flight zero stars on Airbnb.
RONNIE
Okay, wait, um, how about I let you use the beverage cart, so you can make that weird tomato juice iced tea thing you're always talking about?
ARTEM
I can finally make a Artem Palmer? You have deal, Rodney.Oh. If I were emoji, I would be smiley face or lady in the bathtub. Because I pamper myself.
BERNARD
Hm. Have to admit, pretty impressive how you handled that. I was expecting cologne to start exploding any minute.
RONNIE
Well, I know how to manage my passengers, it's my job to know what they need. They're my people. Like, uh, like that guy. That's James. He always shows up for his flight so drunk he forgets the name of his hotel. So, I write it down for him. Hey, James.
JAMES
Thanks.
RONNIE
Mm-hmm.
JAMES
Ooh, the Wynn. Sober me must be doing pretty good.
RONNIE
And that's Ben. He says he's here visiting family, but I'm pretty sure he's just stalking Nichole.
BERNARD
Stalking Nichole?
RONNIE
Oh, he's harmless. It's her other stalker, Kristen we really have to worry about. And that's Dean. He's always one of the first to board, orders his coffee black, two sugars, and every week flies with his lovely, lovely wife, who is suddenly blonde and 20 years younger.
PILOT
Check all your lights. Northeast bound to Las Vegas.
WOMEN

COLIN
Oh.
NICHOLE
You have to pay to open it now.
COLIN
Oh, I see. So they're holding my biography of Patty Hearst hostage up there.
NICHOLE
Well, it could be worse. I heard Vegas Air has a staircase fee just to get off the plane.
CAPTAIN DAVE
This is your captain here with a little reminder. Now that marijuana's legal in Vegas, you deserve to treat yourself to a little puff, a Korean massage and a sandwich. So, head on down to Kim Bong Dill's Dispensary, Spa and Deli. Supreme Leader says, "It's the bomb."
ATC GWEN
Jackpot 529, winds 280 at ten, should be a smooth flight.
CAPTAIN DAVE
It is now that I'm talking to you, Gwen.
ATC GWEN
Always the charmer, Captain Dave. Once you get to Vegas, feel free to buzz my tower and say hi.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Will do. I'll be the handsome brunette flying a plane.
ALAN
I think ATC Gwen likes you.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Nah, she's just a flirt, that one.
ALAN
I don't know, she doesn't talk to other pilots like that. You should ask her out.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Yeah, right. A pilot dating an air traffic controller? Can you imagine?
ALAN
Yeah. It wasn't that hard.
COLIN
Hey, as a frequent flyer, I'm used to this plane being a capitalist hell state, but I'm swiping my credit card and my seat won't recline.
RONNIE
Oh, it looks like the guy behind you paid double to keep yours in the upright position.
COLIN
Well, in that case, how much would it cost to scream into a pillow?
RONNIE
Um. Nothing to scream, but a pillow is $10. Oh, I take it back, screaming is $5.
COLIN
I'll pay $50 for a drinks cart to block my view of those two.
RONNIE
You want to know the most disgusting part about them?
COLIN
I saw it. He touched his arm rest, and then touched her face. The best she can hope for now is debilitating pinkeye.
RONNIE
No. That guy's cheating on his wife, and that poor girl probably has no idea. He's not wearing his wedding ring.
BERNARD
Wedding rings don't mean anything. Rock Hudson had one and I had Rock Hudson.
COLIN
How old are you?
RONNIE
Nichole, you're a woman. Back me up, here.
NICHOLE
Your generation is so obsessed with labels. But, yes, as a cis-female polyamory-tolerant monogamist, I find cheating repulsive. But, as a stripper, cheating is the backbone of my industry, and mama can recline her chair all she wants.
BERNARD
This whole thing is disgusting.
RONNIE
Thank you.
BERNARD
They make you pay now just to recline your seat. Back in the old days, we'd carve our complimentary roast beef right in the aisle.
COLIN
I'm losing track of this conversation. Let's everybody go around and say what we're angry about. So far I've got cheating, gender labels, and roast beef.
BERNARD, RONNIE AND NICHOLE
Yes.
COLIN
Okay, good to know.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Hey, Ronovan. Can I ask you something?
RONNIE
Mm-hmm.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Let's say there's a woman I know, professionally, and I wanted to ask her out. That'd be okay, right?
RONNIE
No.

CAPTAIN DAVE
Let's say it was okay. How would I, you know, do that?
RONNIE
Do what?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Ask her out. I'm about to be brave and tell you something personal here. Well, you see, I haven't asked a woman out on a date since my last divorce.
RONNIE
Oh, you're a good person to ask about this. Didn't all your ex-wives cheat on you?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Yes, that's right.
RONNIE
So, if there had been someone to expose the situation, that would've been a good thing, right?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Well, yeah, that's why for number three, I hired a PI. But, he just got himself in on the action.
RONNIE
This is helpful, thanks, Dave.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Wait, we never talked about me.
ARTEM
Oh, you having trouble tricking woman into love. Listen. Here's what you say “I spend most of my time in the clouds, but you are real angel.”
CAPTAIN DAVE
I'm not taking love advice from someone who mixes tomato juice and iced tea.
ARTEM
I don't mix. I stir with a tiny sword.
BERNARD
So you're just gonna walk right up to that girl and tell her he's married? Have you considered she might already know and doesn't care?
RONNIE
Oh, now you're being rational? Last week, you tried to get someone kicked off the plane for watching La La Land.
BERNARD
I don't need Ryan Gosling to white-splain jazz to me.

COLIN
I'm overhearing all this, I'm not eavesdropping, you're both screaming. And it all sounds terrible. Okay, intervening in other people's lives is such a poor idea, I'm actually ignoring my own advice to intervene and tell you that.
RONNIE
How come when I butt into other people's lives, I'm nosy. But when Bernard does it, he's charming?
COLIN
Well, that's just a likability issue. Look, I know you think you're being helpful, but it's not your place to tell this woman anything. You're her flight attendant, not her friend.
RONNIE
Up here, I'm friend, bartender, human rights champion.
COLIN
That African American man wanted to sit in the back row. He was with his friends.
RONNIE
Look, this girl deserves to know what she's getting involved in, I'm trying to help her. Just watch. I'm gonna save her 20s without her even noticing.
COLIN
No. 
RONNIE
Hi, let me know if you guys need anything. Oh, that's a nice shirt, did your wife get that for you? Did you see that? I just lit the fuse on a ticking time bomb.
BERNARD
If it's a time bomb, it wouldn't have a fuse.
COLIN
Yeah, I believe it would have a timer.
RONNIE
Okay, then I lit the timer. Who cares. Just watch.
BERNARD
Looks like the fuse went out.
RONNIE
We just agreed it didn't have a fuse.
COLIN
Perhaps we should all stop talking about bombs.
PASSENGERS

BERNARD
Yeah.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Okay, that's enough screen time for you.
ALAN

ATC GWEN
Hey, there JP 529.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Hey, Gwen. Where you been? Cheating on me with other planes?
ATC GWEN
No way, you know I'm a Jackpot girl.
CAPTAIN DAVE
I bet you say that to all the airlines.
ALAN

ATC GWEN
I'm gonna need you to turn right heading zero six zero.
CAPTAIN DAVE
As you wish. Anyway, I was thinking- and call me a relief pitcher because this is coming out of left field- I spend all my time with angels in the clouds. Anyway, nothing.

ALAN
Did you just have a stroke?
CAPTAIN DAVE
You're not supposed to be in here, so let's make this quick. I just need you to help me ask out Gwen.
ARTEM
Okay. You do like this. "Gwen, I'm not a man who easily says feelings. But when that flying love, baby, it's you." You have to answer into the call. "I believe the airplane gods connected us for a purpose. And that purpose is for the making of love."
CAPTAIN DAVE
Hey, Gwen. This is Jackpot five-two-niner, just letting you know that I'm not a guy who opens up easily, but when you're shot by Cupid's arrow, you have to act.
ARTEM
Cupid that is name.
CAPTAIN DAVE
I think this universe put us on this radio for a reason, and that reason is to take you out for a steak dinner tonight. You don't have to answer right now, just think about it.
ARTEM
How does it feel?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Feels good. In fact, it feels real good.
ARTEM
Okay, because you just said that to the whole plane.
CAPTAIN DAVE
is to take you out for a steak dinner tonight. You don't have to answer right now, just think about it.
CAPTAIN DAVE
You can get out now.
ARTEM
Please, can I stay until a bird explodes on the windshield?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Get out.
RONNIE
Come on, Dave, we talked about this. No passengers in the cockpit.
RONNIE
I guess I'm wrong. Maybe she does already know he's married. Or maybe she had earbuds in and didn't even hear me, I have another chance.
COLIN
Oh, please don't. Second-hand embarrassment kills 13 Englishmen a year.
RONNIE
So what? I'm just supposed to sit back and do nothing, while that poor naive girl falls deeper into love. With no idea the reason her name is Ikea in that guy's phone is not a cute reference to where they first had sex, but to hide her from his chiropractor wife, and by the way, if he ever thinks he's getting his Jethro Tull T-shirt back, he's out of his mind.
COLIN
Oddly specific. Who was he?
RONNIE
His name was Eric, I met him in Junior College in Bakersfield. He was older, swept me off my feet, vacations, fancy dinners, those movies where the actors are like, right there.
COLIN
You know they're called plays.
RONNIE
Anyway, I dropped out of school and moved to LA to be with him, only he was a little too busy. With his wife. Do you know what I would've given to have someone who could have warned me?
COLIN
I feel terrible that that happened to you. But even if this were any of our business, which, again, to be clear, it's absolutely not, this is hardly the time or the place to be delivering such delicate news. I mean, for God's sake, we're three feet away from a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator.
JACK SPARROW
For legal purposes, I’m just a Gender Fluid Rum Pirate.
RONNIE
Fine. God, I liked you better when you kept your rational ideas to yourself.
NICHOLE
Okay, so from my experience, the way to get a woman's attention is to completely ignore her. Or buy her an island.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Like a kitchen island?
NICHOLE
No, like, an island island. Like, "Treasure" or "Long."
ATC GWEN
Vegas approach, Jackpot 529, level 15,000.
NICHOLE
Wait, no, this is your chance. Just play it cool, don't answer.
ATC GWEN
What the hell is going on there?
NICHOLE
Why did you answer? You totally had her.
BERNARD
You know we're charging to lower tray tables now? They've taken all the dignity out of flying. Judy Garland once said she had the best bowel movement of her life after eating a salmon mousse on a TWA flight to Paris. Now look what we've become.
DYANA
Excuse me.
RONNIE
Oh, hi.
DYANA
This is embarrassing to ask, but am I doing something wrong?
RONNIE
Wow.Okay, I-I mean, I know that it's not really my place to say anything, but I know when it happened to me, I blamed myself for a really long time. So, I guess my question is, how much do you know?
DYANA
I know that the little slide says "vacant," but I can't get the door open. Am I-Am I doing something wrong?
RONNIE
Oh. No, yeah, I mean, we-I mean, no, you're not. You're not. It's j-- we, uh, we're charging 50 cents to use the bathroom now. Or you could get a Potty Pass for $9.99. But, you know what? This one, um, this one is on me.
DYANA
Thank you.
RONNIE
Yeah.
DYANA
Wait. I'm sorry. What did you think I was talking about?
RONNIE
What's that?
COLIN
This is decaf, right?
BERNARD
Sure.
RONNIE
Before you judge me, I'm gonna start at the end. She is so happy I said something.

BERNARD
Something to who about what?
RONNIE
Dyana. The mistress. I told her Dean is married, and then we planned a lunch, but I'm probably gonna cancel.
COLIN
You told her? Didn't we agree that was a bad idea?
RONNIE
It just happened. We had this delightful bathroom misunderstanding and we started talking, and then we were hugging, and then she got mascara on my shoulder, which I said "don't worry about," but it does kind of bother me.
BERNARD
Mascara On My Shoulder. Isn't that the title of a Joan Collins memoir?
COLIN
Now, is that a real question or a burn? I honestly have no idea with him.
RONNIE
She was upset, yes. But she was also so sweet and so grateful to know the truth and maybe I will do that lunch with her.
COLIN
And you're okay being trapped with these people in an enclosed space 20,000 feet up.
RONNIE
She promised that she wouldn’t say anything until we landed and that she’d totally leave me out of it.
DYANA
You're married? You son of a bitch!
DEAN
What? Who told you that?
DYANA
Her.
PASSENGERS

RONNIE
Well, that lunch is totally off.
DEAN
I have no idea what she's talking about.
DYANA
Oh, really? Why would she lie to me?
DEAN
I have no I don't know!
RONNIE
Hey, Kelly, Gary. Anything to drink? Okay. Artem, you want some pretzels?
ARTEM
Yeah, I’m sorry, Ronald, but I would prefer you stay out of my personal business, okay?
RONNIE
Are pretzels that personal?
ARTEM
Yeah, the way I eat them, they are. Oh, yes.
RONNIE
Hey, what's going on? All the passengers are acting so weird.
BERNARD
Can you blame them? They just saw what happens when you let Hurricane Ronnie into your life.
RONNIE
No, I was trying to help. Nichole, you get that, right?
NICHOLE
Please don't tell my dad I strip at Grapefruits. Also, don't tell Grapefruits I love my dad, it's a real bummer for customers.
RONNIE
No, I I thought I was doing something good. I love my passengers, they're my people. I mean, l look. James, hey, I-I wrote down the name of your hotel again in case you lost the first one.
JAMES
I don't want it. Take this. It's a note for you to give to sober me, telling drunk me not to let you give me notes anymore.

ATC GWEN
Hey there, Jackpot, you're cleared ILS28 right for landing.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Copy that, and can I just add congratulations on being a strong woman in the workplace?
ATC GWEN
Uh, thanks. So, I guess it's time to sign off?
ALAN
Come on, Captain. Ask her out, she's your sky-mate. Captain Dave likes you and he wants to ask you out, bye.
ATC GWEN
Sorry, Jackpot, could you repeat?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Uh, yeah, Gwen. There's a bar in Terminal C next to the noodle place with the great noodles.
ATC GWEN
Noodles? Yeah.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Would you want to go and grab a drink with me when we land?
ATC GWEN
It's about time you asked.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Copy that. And prepare for landing.
ALAN
Ay! Captain Dave, I knew you had it in you!
CAPTAIN DAVE
Hey, I've been out of the game for a minute. How far do people go on first dates these days? I've heard butts are very popular right now.
ATC GWEN
Still here, Jackpot.
RONNIE
Thank you. Thank you for flying Jackpot. I'm still your friend. You can trust me with your secrets. Hey, black coffee, two sugars to go?
DEAN
I don't know who the hell you think you are, but what I do is none of your business. What? You think just because we fly on the same plane that you have this unique insight into our lives? That's pathetic. You are a nobody to the people on this plane. And when we want something from you, we hit the call button.
COLIN
I'm sorry, is there a problem?
DEAN
Stay out of it, Frenchie.
COLIN
Frenchie? Hey. Hey, hey. Um, you all right?
RONNIE
Mm-hmm. Yeah, oh, I'm fine. I'm fine. I just-You were right, I was really stupid to get involved, is all, I- Excuse me.Oh, my god.
COLIN
Um, hi. Excuse me. Uh, yeah, you. Um, I don't know exactly what it is you said to that flight attendant back there, but she's pretty shaken up, so I think
DEAN
What is it with all you people? Why can't anybody on that plane mind their own business?
COLIN
Hey, buddy, I'm the Lord Chancellor of "Mind Your Own Business," but that woman you accosted, she is my business. So, if you were any kind of man, you would go back in there and you'd apologize.
DEAN
Oh, I will show you exactly what kind of man I am if you don't get out of my face. Gerard Depardieu.
COLIN
Gerard Depar I'm clearly English. You, on the other hand, are a bully and a philanderer.
DEAN
I really wish you didn't just poke me.
COLIN
Hm, why? What are you gonna do? Are you gonna hit me?
DEAN
No, I'm gonna detain you.
COLIN
Oh, go
RONNIE
Oh.
COLIN

CROWD
Oh!
DEAN
You have no idea who you're dealing with, buddy.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Whoa, what's going on? Did Frenchie do something wrong?
COLIN
What? I'm the one being assaulted.
CAPTAIN DAVE
Yeah, by an Air Marshal.
RONNIE
Wait, you're an Air Marshal?
DEAN
Yes. And that woman I've been flying out with every week was my trainee. Dyana is my girlfriend.
RONNIE
Huh.
DYANA
Oh, my god, that is the first time you called me your girlfriend.
DEAN
Well, that's what you are, baby.
DYANA
Aw.
COLIN
Oh, that's nice.
CAPTAIN DAVE
I have a date tonight, too.

RONNIE
So the good news is they're letting you go with a stern warning. Bad news is we have definitely ruined the start of Dean's vacation.

COLIN
You know, as I sit here rapidly losing feeling in my hands, it does occur to me shouldn't you know the Air Marshals on board?
RONNIE
They stopped telling me and Bernard a while ago because we were abusing the system.
PASSENGER
Can I have a coffee and a water?
BERNARD
Hey, Air Marshal. You need to taze this bitch.
RONNIE
For what it's worth, thank you for sticking up for me like that. It was kind of badass hearing you be all like"She is my business."
COLIN
Wait, what accent is that?
RONNIE
French.
COLIN
Clearly.
RONNIE
But really. I appreciate it. Especially since I alienated everyone else on the plane. So much for saying they're my people.
COLIN
Well, if it's any consolation, I'm still your people. Anyway. Consider confronting that Air Marshal as my apology on behalf of men everywhere for Eric, the chiropractor's husband.
RONNIE
Well, in a way, Eric did me a favor. If I hadn't followed him to LA, I probably would have just stayed in Bakersfield, married a guy with a neck tattoo who eventually gets pinched for driving the getaway car in an avocado heist.
COLIN
Again, oddly specific.

RONNIE
His name was Randall.
COLIN

PATRONS

ALAN
Is she here yet?
CAPTAIN DAVE
I don't know. I have no idea what she looks like.
ALAN
Hey, wait. Are you allowed to be back there?
CAPTAIN DAVE
Jill loves it when I sling. Don't you, Jill?
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SUPERVISOR
Excuse me, are you Captain Dave Pratman?
ARTEM
What! You've been catfished? Listen, I've been on both sides catfish many times. But remember, this man is hurting more than you.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SUPERVISOR
No. I'm Gwen's supervisor from Air Traffic Control. Gwen's not gonna make it tonight.
NICHOLE
Oh, my God. Was she on her way here, but then got hit by a car and was horribly disfigured, and is now too embarrassed to see him? That's so romantic. Tell her to come, he'll love her anyway.

CAPTAIN DAVE
Whoa, not so fast. Just how broken is her face, doc?
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SUPERVISOR
What is wrong with you people? She was not in an accident. Gwen's filling out citation paperwork. Your conduct today was thoroughly unprofessional. Lot of people were on that channel. What were you thinking?
ALAN
We were thinking this is still a world where true love exists, you bastard.
NICHOLE
It’s okay.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SUPERVISOR
She's getting off with a warning. But from now on, that radio is just for ATC guidance only. Understand?
CAPTAIN DAVE
I do. That's the end for Gwen and Captain Dave. It was beautiful while it lasted. Turns out, we were just two planes crossing in the night.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SUPERVISOR
Or just call her on the phone like a normal person. Here's her number. Stop being a weirdo. See you tonight, Nichole.
NICHOLE
Bye, Lewis. Remember to eat a light dinner!
CAPTAIN DAVE
Well, look at that. Turns out old Captain Dave still got it. So, when do I call?
ARTEM
Still think catfish.
BERNARD
What's going on?
RONNIE
Oh, you got your wish. Jackpot had so many complaints, they're getting rid of all the credit card swipers. Plus, everyone's identities were stolen.
BERNARD
Well, at least they brought some of the dignity back to flying.
RONNIE
Yeah, they found another way to make money. For a small fee, Jackpot passengers can now purchase in-flight flu shots.
MALE PASSENGER

BERNARD