ALAN ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_CARL CAPTAIN_DAVE CAPTAIN_STEVE COLIN DOG FARLEY GIRL INTERCOM MICKI NATE NICHOLE NICOLE PASSENGERS PA_ANNOUNCER PILOT RONNIE BERNARD So, how was your date last night? RONNIE Ugh. Another guy turned out to be gay. BERNARD Are you still using my Tinder account? I told you it's not like Hulu, we can't share a subscription. RONNIE Looks like Captain Dave is late. Again. He always does this. RONNIE Then he waltzes in and says, "Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time." That's not a time zone, it's a tragedy. CAPTAIN DAVE RONNIE Oh, finally. CAPTAIN DAVE Sorry, I'm on Captain Dave time. Well, see you later. RONNIE H-Hold on. Why are you holding a bag like someone who's never held a bag before? CAPTAIN DAVE All right. Truth is I've finally found my Achilles' heel. It's my Achilles' wrist. BERNARD Ouch. CAPTAIN DAVE Wait, it gets worse. That's my high fiving hand. RONNIE What happened? CAPTAIN DAVE I was walking down the street, and I saw some poor schlub trapped under a giant armoire. I knew my only two choices were to heroically lift the thing off him, or to cut his arm off with my pocketknife. So I summoned up all of my strength, but alas, my will was stronger than my wrist. Anyway, the important thing is I'm all patched up now and ready to go. BERNARD You can't fly. CAPTAIN DAVE No, but until I can, I'll have to settle for piloting a plane. Let's do it. RONNIE Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, this is exactly why I was hiding it. I knew you two were gonna be dicks about this. BERNARD Sorry, I got to call it in. CAPTAIN DAVE Come on, Bernie, you can't ground this eagle, it need to soar, you know I can do this. BERNARD All right. Let's give it a try. RONNIE You know he's just calling in a replacement, right? CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. I know. Can you at least sign my cast? I have a date tonight, and want her to know I have friends. PILOT Check all your lights. Northeast bound to Las Vegas. INTERCOM Attention all passengers, we are now boarding flight. ARTEM Whoa, bag! What's in them? COLIN Uh, just some toys. ARTEM Toys! That's fun. Can I look? COLIN Um, I just. Oh. ARTEM There is many games. You know what game I like? The one about the hippos that are so very hungry. You know this game? COLIN Perhaps, not touch these. They're presents for my son's birthday. NICHOLE Birthday? Fun. You know at my club, Grapefruits, birthday boys get half off lap dances. Dads pay full price to watch, though. COLIN He's three. NICHOLE He is three, or he's turning three? COLIN I think I'm gonna go through security again. Just for fun. ARTEM On my third birthday, I dig hole for swimming pool. On my fourth birthday, I find out it's mass grave. RONNIE You know what? You should tell him. Bad news sounds better coming from you. BERNARD Okay. CAPTAIN DAVE So, Judas's, did you find my replacement? BERNARD Ronnie? RONNIE Yes. We did. But you are not going to like it. CAPTAIN DAVE What? Who is it? CAPTAIN DAVE Captain Steve. CAPTAIN STEVE Captain Dave. Looks like I'll be taking over the reins this weekend. Tough break on that wrist. I'd say, "No pun intended," but I knew what I was doing. And this must be my new flight crew. Good looking pair, you got names? BERNARD I'm Bernard. RONNIE I'm Ronnie. Hi, is it suddenly very hot in here? CAPTAIN STEVE It is. Oh, hey, Dave, didn't see you there. CAPTAIN DAVE You just said hello to me. CAPTAIN STEVE Heard about the divorce. How many is that for you? Four? CAPTAIN DAVE Excuse me, try three. It seems no woman could ever understand I'm married to the sky. CAPTAIN STEVE I'm married to a model. CAPTAIN DAVE A catalog model. CAPTAIN STEVE Internet catalog model. The whole future, it's all online. RONNIE So true. BERNARD Blogs. CAPTAIN DAVE What are you even doing here? You don't fly domestic. CAPTAIN STEVE No. The international skies are my playground. Then I got this call, and I figured it'd be a great way to get back to my roots. My American roots, God, I love this country. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, I'll be back in action any day, so don't get too comfortable. CAPTAIN STEVE I'll try, but you know me, I'm comfortable anywhere. I exclusively use public restrooms. CAPTAIN STEVE Yeah. I'm always looking for the next big thing. I mean, landing on water, it's been done. Sully did it. So I was thinking, what's the next thing we should land on? I say, the sky. ALAN I have no idea what that means, but I like how close I feel to you. CAPTAIN DAVE Hey, fellas. CAPTAIN STEVE Captain Dave. CAPTAIN DAVE How are things going in my cockpit? ALAN Great. Captain Steve let me wear his jacket. Look how floppy my arms are. CAPTAIN STEVE Uh, shouldn't you be at home resting up that wrist? Not that I'd know, I've never broken anything. Except a few hearts. ALAN I can believe it. CAPTAIN DAVE I thought I should fly with you this weekend, you know, in case you had any questions or you died. I'll just third wheel it in the jump seat. CAPTAIN STEVE Oh. Yeah. Sorry, the jump seat's occupied by my co-pilot. CAPTAIN DAVE A 200-pound kettlebell? CAPTAIN STEVE Great. That's embarrassing. Now, everybody knows how much I lift. Anyway, you can fly with us, but you're gonna have to ride in the cabin. CAPTAIN DAVE The cabin? You want me to sit in that flying refugee camp? CAPTAIN DAVE They made these tickets way too cheap. NICHOLE Here. COLIN I'm so sorry, those seats are taken. Maybe just find two other seats? ARTEM Yeah. NICOLE Yeah. ARTEM Yeah, okay, yeah. Ah, sorry. RONNIE Your pants are on fire. COLIN Sorry? RONNIE Oh, my God, you just lied to them. COLIN Well, yeah, clearly. They're both very shady. And also, I'm kind of preoccupied with finalizing my son's birthday party. He's turning three. RONNIE Oh. That's a.cute age.is something people say, right? I don't know anything about kids. COLIN It's his first birthday since his mother and I separated. RONNIE Mm. COLIN And I think I've rather outdone myself. Check out the play gym I've booked. Now, there's a puppy playpen, a cake pit, and all the princesses are actual descendants of exiled royalty. RONNIE Wow, that sounds a lot better than my third birthday party. God, what a disaster. COLIN You remember your third birthday? RONNIE Only 'cause my mom taped it. Then the tape was later used in the trial. It was also the first time I smoked a Marlboro Red. My family was a little trashy. I grew up near Bakersfield. Our town mayor was a Harley Davidson. CAPTAIN DAVE Sleep when you're on the ground. You're in the air for God’s sake. Show some respect. RONNIE Are you seriously gonna fly back and forth all weekend just to keep an eye on him? CAPTAIN DAVE You have a better idea? RONNIE Yes. Don't. CAPTAIN DAVE You don't know. RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE What's with this thing? If it's off, it's too hot. If it's on, it dries my eyes. You people live like animals. CAPTAIN DAVE Thanks for all your help with Captain Steve. What the hell happened to you? RONNIE I couldn't help it. I am very single, and that silver fox has a strong back and could probably carry me across a river. CAPTAIN DAVE Be a modern woman and carry yourself across a river, Ronnie. RONNIE I don't understand. What is your problem with him? CAPTAIN DAVE He thinks he's so much better than me, just because he finished first in our flight class. And beat me out for the international route, and won Jackpot Sexiest Pilot award six years in a row, despite me killing it in the talent category. Chick-a-Chick-a-Chick-a-Chick-a-Chick-a-Whoo-Whoo. RONNIE Oh, Dave. Nobody wanted to see your Magic Mike routine. BERNARD Yeah, that was all Mike and no magic. CAPTAIN DAVE This was the one place where I didn't feel like I was in Captain Steve's shadow. I'm not letting him take that from me, too. I can fly this plane, and I'll prove it. How many push-ups do you want to see me do? BERNARD 600. RONNIE None. CAPTAIN DAVE One..okay. I can't do a push-up, but my wrist is fine. It can do everything it used to do. I can do the Dirty Dancing lift. Bernard, run to me! RONNIE No. Dave, go home. Get some rest. BERNARD Nobody puts Bernard in a corner. CAPTAIN STEVE Welcome to Las Vegas. PASSENGERS RONNIE Bye. Thank you. Bye. ARTEM Whoa, that landed touched me. BERNARD Did we land? I didn't feel the wheels touch the ground. RONNIE I know, usually I have to take pills to feel this way. CAPTAIN DAVE And don't forget who gave you those pills. So.what'd you think of the LA to Vegas flight? Pretty boring, right? You should probably get back to your old route now. CAPTAIN STEVE Actually, it was kind of a nice break from the spotlight of the international route. I've already conquered that. It's probably time to conquer something new. Like when Nicole Kidman does TV. Yeah. I can see myself doing this full-time. CAPTAIN DAVE Captain Steve is moving in on my route. We got to do something to stop him. RONNIE What do you expect us to do? CAPTAIN DAVE I don't know. Something. The alternative is he replaces me. We can't let that happen. We're a team. Think about all our history. Your first week on the job when you forgot to lock the exit door. Who blamed the ground crew and got that guy fired? RONNIE Yeah, but I felt so guilty afterwards, I had to date him for six months. CAPTAIN DAVE So, I got you laid too. And Bernie, we've been together for years. We're like brothers. You came out to me. BERNARD Uh, no. You just flat out asked. Your exact words were "Gay, right?" CAPTAIN DAVE The point is that we look out for each other. That's why you got to help me. You got to help me. What do you think? RONNIE Oh, right now, all I can think about is how good Captain Steve smells. Does anyone know what that is? CAPTAIN DAVE It's a pamplemousse facial scrub. Not available in the states. RONNIE Don't get me wrong, I want to help Dave, I do, but would it really be the worst thing in the world if Steve was our new boss? BERNARD It's probably less work for us. We wouldn't have to babysit. I mean, he's actually got a life off the plane. RONNIE Yeah. He doesn't want to waste time with us. He's got a catalog model to go home too. He just clocks in, clocks out. Imagine working for a pilot who says "thank you" every once in a while, and doesn't make us check his hair for grays before each flight. BERNARD What are you complaining about? You only have to check his head. RONNIE Colin? COLIN Oh, thank God, you answered. Ronnie, it's all coming apart. The universe is getting back at me for my hubris. I had a petard, and I've been hoisted by it. RONNIE Colin, you're using high-scoring Scrabble words, I don't know what you're saying. COLIN I'm talking about the play gym I booked for my son's party. It's been shut down. An anti-vaxxer held a party, I don't know, something about a long dormant super-virus. It's a disaster. RONNIE Okay, just calm down. COLIN I can't calm down. I'm holding a party tomorrow for 24 children. I've got nowhere to throw it. I need help. I know it's weird I'm calling you, but you're the only person I know in Las Vegas. RONNIE Well, not the only person. ARTEM Hey. Ronnie says that you need help throwing party to buy your son's love. COLIN Ronnie called you? ARTEM Yeah, and Artem is big helper. Hop in, I have candy. COLIN Oh, no. You want me to get in this.with you? ARTEM Yeah, don't worry, it's not even my van. RONNIE Let's just say, for a minute, we actually considered lodging a fake complaint against Captain Steve. What could we possibly say that would make a difference? BERNARD We'll just say he grabbed my ass. RONNIE Um, if he's grabbing anybody's ass, it's mine. BERNARD Please. Have you seen your ass? Because I haven't. RONNIE He's not even gay. BERNARD I transcend sexuality. Do you know how many pilots I've turned? RONNIE Shut up. Like who? BERNARD You'd be surprised. The drink carts aren't the only things that go both ways. CAPTAIN STEVE I'm sorry to interrupt, but don't you think you guys should be working? RONNIE It's the Saturday afternoon flight from Vegas to LA. There's nothing to do. CAPTAIN STEVE Yeah, see, it's that attitude that makes you both.such remarkable failures. I demand excellence every moment you're on this plane. RONNIE Right. But, Steve, there's literally. CAPTAIN STEVE Oh, sorry, Steve? Try Captain. Or sir. I don't know how you got away with this garbage before, but it ends now. RONNIE Can you believe that? Who the hell does he think he is? BERNARD I'm gonna march right into that cockpit and make him grab my ass. COLIN Wow. This place is really impressive. ARTEM Yeah, business is good, eh, Farley? FARLEY Yeah, man, things have blown up for us ever since that Stranger Things kid nailed a paparazzo with his scooter. Follow me. FARLEY So, you need something for tomorrow morning. 20 heads. COLIN Yup. FARLEY What's the chick to stick raish? COLIN I'm so sorry, the, um? FARLEY Girl to guy, girl to guy ratio. We like to keep it three to one. COLIN Oh, I-I think it's about even. FARLEY Oof. You're lucky Artem's a friend. So, tomorrow is going to be lit. Egypt Keys Beats is hosting. Bottle service only. Let's say, uh, ten of the magnums? Also, you're gonna want the table out by the ball pit. That's where it all goes down. COLIN Okay. ARTEM Uh, what is that? VIP? FARLEY Peanut allergy. So, with the bottles, the table, and, of course, the party favors. COLIN Why is he winking? We really do need party favors. FARLEY Your total comes out to $8,000. COLIN What? ARTEM That's a good price. COLIN No, no, no, no. There's no way I can afford that. Look, I want this to be special for my son, but I'm on a budget. What can I get for $400? COLIN I paid $400 to get back to exactly where I started. ARTEM Eh, welcome to Las Vegas. RONNIE Oh, we have to do something about Captain Steve. BERNARD But first, which one of us is more sexual harassable? Before you answer, consider my bedroom eyes. RONNIE Relax, don't pop a contact. Steve is going to make our lives hell if he takes over this route. We have to stop him. We're thinking smear campaign. BERNARD Same thing we did with Klepto-Kathy. Although, we may have jumped the gun on that one. RONNIE Well, just because we found my bracelet doesn't mean she didn't want to steal it. CAPTAIN DAVE Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, let's slow down here. We can't just go around besmirching Steve's reputation. RONNIE What? This was your idea. Where is this coming from? BERNARD And when did you learn "besmirch"? CAPTAIN DAVE All I'm saying, we should consider our options before crucifying him. ALAN Corporate said Dave could have Steve's route if Steve took Dave's route. CAPTAIN DAVE Damn it, Alan. BERNARD What? CAPTAIN DAVE All right. I called corporate to ask, hypothetically, if Captain Steve took LA to Vegas, could I take international, and they were onboard. RONNIE So, when it was your job on the line, you needed our help. But now that it's ours, you don't care. CAPTAIN DAVE Don't you understand? This international route would be huge for me. I need this. Just look at me. Look at my wrist. RONNIE We're supposed to be cool with you screwing us just because you couldn't help some guy under an armoire? CAPTAIN DAVE No. You should be cool with it, because I was the guy under the armoire. I was the one I couldn't help. RONNIE What? BERNARD You own an armoire? CAPTAIN DAVE I bought it. And I was moving it back to my place when it tipped over on me. I was trapped underneath of it for hours. Hours. When I picked it up from that Craigslist perv, he even said to me, "Don't you have someone to help you move this?" But I didn't. Because the truth is, I have no one in my life to help me move a gorgeous piece of antique furniture. So am I being a little selfish? Yes. But when you're a guy stuck moving armoires alone, you get to be selfish. RONNIE Oh. ALAN What's a armoire? COLIN What are we doing here? We still haven't found a place for the party. ARTEM We'll find place. For now, we focus on entertainment. COLIN You think this is the place for the entertainment? ARTEM Yeah. COLIN I.Oh, okay. Okay. NICHOLE Hi! ARTEM Mmm. NICHOLE Oh! It's so fun when my friends come by. My family almost never comes to visit me at work. ARTEM Hm. COLIN I'm sorry, did you say "almost never"? NICHOLE And don't worry, you came to the right place. We have so many talented ladies who want to help with this party. Girls? PA ANNOUNCER Next to the stage. NICHOLE This is Staci. She makes awesome balloon animals out of condoms. COLIN Yeah, oh. ARTEM Mmm. COLIN Oh. Jesus Christ, that's disgusting. NICHOLE This is Juli, she has an amazing singing voice. She actually came here to be in one of the shows, but, well, life is hard, so she's here now. COLIN Okay. NICHOLE And this is Micki. She's like an animal trainer. Her dog can do the craziest tricks. Watch. MICKI Shake. DOG What's up? COLIN Pleasure. We will take the balloon animals and the singer. Thank you, Mr. Dog, I think we're gonna go another way. ARTEM Well, you see one problem solved. Now we just have to find birthday house. COLIN NICHOLE Wait, you still don't have a place for the party? COLIN No. So the possibility of ruining my son's childhood is still very much in play. ARTEM Yeah. DOG Hey man, don't sweat it. My dad ruined all my birthdays growing up, and I turned out just fine. COLIN Oh, dear God. NICHOLE If you guys are still looking for a venue, I might know a place. COLIN I still can't believe how well this all came together. And they were okay with shutting down the strip club for this? NICHOLE Oh, yeah, no, Sunday's are slow anyway. You know, actually, it's really nice to have customers on our laps for a change. GIRL My giraffe is slippery. NICHOLE Oh Wow. COLIN Whoa, oh, uh, uh. Thank you both so much for all of this. I suppose I'm not used to people going out of their way like this for me. NICHOLE Well, of course. We're friends. ARTEM Yeah. After all our flights together we like to think, uh, that you're one of us now. COLIN That's really nice. I think. NATE Daddy, we're going to the sparkly cider room. COLIN Oh. CAPTAIN STEVE Hello, passengers. This is Captain Steve. As we're approaching Vegas, a little reminder. If it's magic you're looking for, head over to Caesar's for Pascal the Magnificent. I've seen him myself, and let me tell you, the only thing that man can't make disappear, is the smile on your face. Boned his wife. I'm gonna get a cup of joe, you want anything? ALAN Oh, I'll have one, too. CAPTAIN STEVE Get it yourself. Oh. Captain Dave. Something I can help you with? CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah, I wanted to ask you to take it easier on Ronnie and Bernard. CAPTAIN STEVE Ronnie and Bernard? You mean, those flat-ass soda machines with bad attitudes? I don't know why you're even defending them, they're just a couple of losers who should be grateful to have a job at all. In fact, frankly, it was up to me, they wouldn't. CAPTAIN DAVE You know what? CAPTAIN STEVE What? CAPTAIN DAVE Those are my friends you're talking about. And I don't care what it costs me, you will never take over this flight. CAPTAIN STEVE What? Y.take over this flight? Why the hell would? Oh. This is pathetic. Did you think that I wanted to trade routes with you? CAPTAIN DAVE Well, it crossed my.no. I mean, a little. CAPTAIN STEVE I-I was never serious about taking over this godforsaken flight. I mean, come on, Dave, look at me. I fly international. CAPTAIN DAVE Okay, stop calling it international, Steve. And let's call it what it is. It's Canada. CAPTAIN STEVE Well, it counts. They have their own money. CAPTAIN DAVE That doesn't even fit in wallets. CAPTAIN STEVE It fits in wallets. You just have to fold the bill, what's your problem, man? CAPTAIN DAVE My problem right now is I'm talking to an overrated hack whose stick-work is pedestrian. CAPTAIN STEVE What did you say? CAPTAIN DAVE I said, I've seen groundo's with better air-feel than you. CAPTAIN STEVE You take that back, you son of a bitch. CAPTAIN DAVE Why don't you make me? CAPTAIN STEVE Ow! PASSENGERS CAPTAIN STEVE Ow. What is your face made of? RONNIE You punched him! Oh. Oh, my God. This is amazing. CAPTAIN STEVE Oh. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, just amazing. He hit me in the face. RONNIE That's good, too, but I mean, he's screwed now. CAPTAIN STEVE It's nothing, it's just a little scrape between a couple of pilots. RONNIE But he's not a pilot. You made him sit in the cabin. You just assaulted a passenger. CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. BERNARD Boom, bitch. RONNIE Ooh. CAPTAIN DAVE Whoa. ARTEM I know.no. COLIN That was.that was weird when you did that. It was weird. ARTEM Ronald! Look. Colin gave us socialist gift bags. RONNIE Wow. Looks like you had a fun weekend. COLIN Oh, you mean the T-shirt? Yeah, well, they're party favors from my son's birthday. He said it was the best party he'd ever had. He's also insisted I buy him the kid's bop version of "Turn Down for What." CAPTAIN STEVE I'll see you all in hell! COLIN Seems like you had a pretty interesting weekend yourself. RONNIE No. Pretty much the ush. Hey, um, I wanted to thank you for sticking up for us back there. Even if it meant losing out on the international job. CAPTAIN DAVE Eh, it was nothing. We're a team, right? RONNIE Damn right we are. Which reminds me, I have something for you. My phone number. Just in case you ever need someone to help you move an armoire. CAPTAIN DAVE Thanks. I actually took your number off the crew list a while ago. RONNIE Creepy. CAPTAIN DAVE As a symbolic gesture though, this is very nice. And the good news is, since Captain Steve has a broken hand, looks like I'll be the one flying back to LA. RONNIE No-no, not so fast, cowboy. You still have a broken wrist. Bernard called in another replacement. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, whoever it is, they can't be any worse than Captain Steve. CAPTAIN CARL Captain Kyle. RONNIE Hi. CAPTAIN CARL How are you? RONNIE Oh. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh. Damn it.