AIR_CONTROLLER ALAN ALL ARTEM ARTEM_RABBIS BERNARD BOTH BOY CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN JEWISH_PASSENGERS NICHOLE OLD_MAN PASSENGER PASSENGERS PILOT RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE What are we looking at? RONNIE Unattended bag. We're debating how long it has to be there before it's considered suspicious. BERNARD The only thing suspicious about that bag is why someone would buy it. It's not dangerous. It's probably just some girl's. RONNIE Some tacky girl's. She's better off without it. CAPTAIN DAVE I don't know. It's not that bad. BERNARD You know whose it is? I bet it's Nicole's. RONNIE She doesn't need a bag that size. She goes to Vegas just to strip. All her clothes fit in her wallet. Oh, it could be Artem's, though. He could've won it off another gambler. BERNARD No, he stopped accepting luggage as payment ever since that duffle bag gave him bedbugs. RONNIE I think it's beds that get Artem bugs. CAPTAIN DAVE Well, it's got to be somebody. Probably that Brit. What's his name, your makeout buddy from the bathroom? RONNIE Colin. CAPTAIN DAVE I bet it's him. British men are basically American women. BERNARD No. That bag is way too expensive on a professor's salary. RONNIE This is dumb. We can't stand here all day staring at a bag. I'm gonna call security. They'll take it away or explode it or whatever. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, don't. It's my bag. RONNIE What? CAPTAIN DAVE I've been looking for it for 20 minutes, and I come back here and you guys are talking about how it's ugly and a girl's bag. BERNARD It's both. RONNIE Sorry. CAPTAIN DAVE I was waiting for you to leave to pick it up, but you know what? I am not ashamed. I am a modern man. I do not subscribe to labels. I can own whatever bag I want. I am Captain Dave, and I am proud to own a pink tote. BERNARD Hot sales lady sold it to you, didn't she? CAPTAIN DAVE Ugh, she was so hot, Bernie. I was trying to impress her. I haggled her up. ARTEM It was Captain Dave's bag? RONNIE Mm-hmm. ARTEM Ronnie is winner. RONNIE Drinks are on me tonight. ALL PILOT Jackpot Airlines. Northeast-bound to Las Vegas. COLIN ARTEM Don't you worry. She's here. COLIN Who? ARTEM Ronnie. That's the one you're desperately looking for, yes? COLIN Nope. I was just sitting here studying up for my weekend fatherhood duties. It's like a 48 hour test every week, and I won't know how I did for 20 years. ARTEM Don't lie to me. I'm a professional gambler. I read people. COLIN I'm just trying to read my book. ARTEM A book. Hey. You know what book I like? That one about the girl who's gone, and Ben Affleck had to look for her. Did you ever watch that book? COLIN No feels like the quickest way to end this conversation. ARTEM Hi, Ronnie. See? Desperately, your head was like. COLIN What just fell out of your hair? Are those muffin crumbs? ARTEM No feels like the quickest way to end this conversation. RONNIE Oh, God, I would love for today to just be easy. I'd settle for one flight without any fighting, vomiting, or fake emotional support animals. BERNARD Hey, Earl isn't just some duck in a vest. He's helped a lot of people. RONNIE No, I know. He has. I'm sorry. I'm just, I'm in a weird mood. I had a date last night. BERNARD And it didn't go well? RONNIE I wouldn't know. I didn't actually show up. I bailed ten minutes before, then hid my phone in a box of Kashi Go Lean in case he texted back. BERNARD Really? Kashi GO. RONNIE Okay, it was an empty box of wine. Can we just focus on my almost dating, please? BERNARD I'm sure you had a good reason for not going. RONNIE Yes. And that reason is I'm a terrible person. CAPTAIN DAVE Hello, friends and colleagues. Guess who has two thumbs, nine toes, and just nailed an interview with Aviator Magazine. That's right, this guy. Favorite part of flying? Easy, the rush. If I had one wish? More wishes. Personal hero? Latinos. They've been through so mucho. Yup. It appears old Captain Dave Pratman here has been named one of Aviator Magazine's top ten pilots to watch. So keep your eyes open, kids. But don't stare for too long because this superstar burns bright. BERNARD Well, it sounds like a straight white guy is doing great. So at least there's some justice in the world. JEWISH PASSENGERS NICHOLE This seat's open. Oh, these? They're just coupons for the club I dance at, Grapefruits. Free fruit salad with every lap dance. OLD MAN NICHOLE Oh I didn't realize you were sick. Um, that's fine. You can still come to the club, just ask for Danielle. She can take it. She beat super gonorrhea. OLD MAN Is there a coupon to make you stop talking. COLIN Ah, long time no see. RONNIE Hey. Hi. COLIN Ah, before I forget, I have something for you. It's the key lime pie from Foundry. Well, since you never showed to try it, I though you might like a piece. BERNARD You are the spurned rendezvous. COLIN Oh, that's good. People know. I was worried it wouldn't be embarrassing enough. RONNIE There's nothing in here. COLIN Yeah, that's right. The key lime pie actually texted at the last minute to say it couldn't make it. RONNIE I'm sorry. I know that I should've texted you earlier. COLIN It wasn't just the timing. It was the content. All you said was, "I just can't." That's not an explanation. That's a clue on Dateline. "Her last text was, 'I just can't.' Then they found her hand buried in a dumpster in Jacksonville. BERNARD Isn't all of Jacksonville a dumpster? No? Bad time? COLIN I just don't understand, Ronnie. We spoke every day. There was flirting and chemistry and suggestive emojis. RONNIE That wasn't suggestive. I really was washing an eggplant. COLIN At least finish the text for me. You just can't what? You can't find parking? You can't pick an outfit? You just can't what. RONNIE I just can't this. You want to know why I cancelled, Colin? Because you freaked me out, okay. You freaked me out. Excuse me. ARTEM Pie. What kind? COLIN Symbolic key lime. ARTEM Oh, I like coconut cream. COLIN That's nice for you. ARTEM No, it's not. I'm allergic to coconut. RONNIE Uh Shalom, guys. BOY One large beer, please. RONNIE How old are you? BOY 13, but I'm a man tomorrow, so. RONNIE Well, give me a ding in eight years. BOY I can't. Men and women can't be alone together unless they're married. RONNIE Wow. That actually sounds really good to me right now. Maybe I should convert. BOY Well, we're always looking for girls like you. CAPTAIN DAVE This is your captain- and one of Aviator Magazine's top ten pilots to watch- here to give you a little reminder Just because you pay for sex doesn't mean you have to pay a lot. So do what I do. Go to Madam Kitty's Ranch off the six. Because you deserve to get a hando, without paying an arm and a leg. Ten pilots to watch. Can you believe it? Lot of big names have been on that list. Sully, Travolta, Chewbacca. ALAN The wookie? CAPTAIN DAVE No, the hairy Austrian that flies for Delta. And you know who's never been on that list? Stupid Captain Steve. ALAN Isn't he married to a model? CAPTAIN DAVE Catalogue model. And this isn't about him. This is about me. I tell you, Alan, this article is the thing that's finally gonna make my career take off. ALAN Are you okay? CAPTAIN DAVE Uh. Yeah, that was nothing. I think it was your fault. ALAN I'm not touching anything. CAPTAIN DAVE Well maybe you should have been! ARTEM Becaue everyone believes that Ben Affleck killed her, so he has to go to Madea for help. Turns out the girl is not gone. No, she is at Doogie Howser's house. NICHOLE I thought she was at Barnie at "How I Met Your Mother's House." ARTEM You read it too? What about you my friend? Hello friend, are you okay? Hello? Oh, no. Yeah. No. I think he's "Gone Girl." BOTH Ronnie! CAPTAIN DAVE Are we sure he's dead? RONNIE I don't know, I never checked the emergency manual. He's checking. Yup, he's super dead. CAPTAIN DAVE I never had anyone die on my watch before. We should cover him with something. ALAN We could cover him with my Hogwarts Cloak. CAPTAIN DAVE Damn it Alan, nobody cares about "Star Trek." RONNIE Even if we wanted to use Alan's gross cloak. We can't Airline protocol says we can't officially acknowledge death on the plane. We have to wait until we land, then he's pronounced dead on the tarmac. ALAN That's how I wanna go. RONNIE It's probably best not to draw attention to it anyway. We don't want any of the other passengers to start freaking out. CAPTAIN DAVE Like that chick? COLIN It was the Ruth Bader Ginsburg comment wasn't it? That's what freaked you out. I was joking. Of course I believe she has legs under that robe. RONNIE I can't even describe how not the time this is. COLIN You can't just tell someone they freaked you out and then drop it. It lacks cuth. You lack cuth. RONNIE I have a buttload of cuth. You were just so damn intense, okay? Like when we were planning the dinner should be pretty simple, right? I counted. You sent me 14 Yelp pages, 5 different menus, and 1 article about how L.A. is in the middle of a pickle boom? COLIN Renaissance. Pickle renaissance. NICHOLE Hi. Um, I think my button's broken. RONNIE Nichole, did you need something? NICHOLE Yeah, I don't want to be a pain, but is there anything you can do about, um. RONNIE I'm sorry, it's a full flight, there's nowhere to put him. And we're trying to be discreet, but I do have something that I think will help. These were in the lost and found. Yolo. So true. NICHOLE Um, okay. There's gotta be something you can do to make me feel better about this. RONNIE What do you mean? NICHOLE Well, like, in college, if your roommate dies, you get straight A's for the rest of the sememster. I would know because my roommate actually tried to kill herself but totally blew it at the last second. It got me so upset. I don't even want to talk about it. RONNIE Wait, were you upset because she tried or because it didn't work? NICHOLE No, Ronnie, because she broke the ceiling fan. Look, all I'm saying is that some people might say that dead seat mate is way more traumatic than a dead roommmate. RONNIE Fine, how about I start counting strippers as military for early boarding purposes. NICHOLE Great, people are always thanking me for my service. CAPTAIN DAVE Landing, landing, no problem. I've done it a million times before. What the hell? ALAN Why are your hands all weird? CAPTAIN DAVE You keep paying so much attention to me. Are you in love with me? ALAN No. ALAN This is the back of the plane. RONNIE What are you doing back here? ALAN Well, Captain Dave said I was getting too worked up so I needed a juice time out. RONNIE Fine, here just dilute it with water so don't go hyper again. ALAN Aww. RONNIE Okay. So Nicole seems to be under control. How is Artem handling it? BERNARD Well. ARTEM I feel so guilty. You know my first thought when I saw he's dead? I shoulda made airplane death pool. I'm a terrible person. I feel no better. This duck is broken. BERNARD He'll be fine, Darryl's a pro. RONNIE Call me crazy but I think we're actually gonna get away with this. PASSENGER Wait, uh. ALAN What? PASSENGER Hey, what the hell are you doing? ALAN Everything's okay, the dead guy's alive. NICHOLE That's not the dead guy. This is the dead guy. PASSENGERS He's dead? He's dead? RONNIE And that everyone why you should always turn off your cell phones. ALAN So true. RONNIE To anyone feeling uneasy, don't worry, we'll be starting our decent at any moment. And for the rest of you, I can't believe I have to say this, please stop taking selfies with the body. BOY You look bummed. ARTEM Yeah, a man's death forces you to consider your own legacy. And for me, that legacy is a black hearted coward, confused with the films of Ben Affleck. BOY Well, there's still time to change that. But the Talmud says that a man's legacy is not sealed upon his death, but upon every moment which he lives. ARTEM That's comforting. BOY Yeah. ARTEM And Talmud says that. BOY I don't know. People listen to you more when you say the Talmud says it. You one's actually read it so no one can call you out. ARTEM Thank you, I feel much better. BOY Yeah. Hey, can you get me a beer? ARTEM No, you cannot trick me little police man. NICHOLE Ronnie? RONNIE Yeah. NICHOLE Hi, um, since the secret's out, can you do something about this? RONNIE Just hang tight, okay? We're gonna be landing any minute. CAPTAIN DAVE Just be normal! NICHOLE Can you please just move him? I can suppress anything but even I'm reaching my limit here. RONNIE Okay. RONNIE Ooh! You wanna play a game? Heads or tails? COLIN Heads. COLIN Ooh! Yeah. I'm not sure this game had a winner. RONNIE I'm sorry you're stuck doing this. I asked Bernard for help but he just reminded me how much his hand cream cost then walked away. COLIN It's quite all right. In many ways this is the perfect metaphor for us. RONNIE Huh? Pretty quippy for a guy holding a dead body. COLIN I am pretending he is a rug. RONNIE I'm pretending I've never done this before. BERNARD All right, what's going on? CAPTAIN DAVE Nothing. What are you talking about? BERNARD Tell me. Or I'll tell everyone what happened the night we were grounded in Billings. ALAN You wouldn't. We both agreed Billings was a mistake. Okay, look. When I was in high school I was the star football player, big man on campus. Hands down the best punter in the district. In fact, it was my punt that got us into the state championship game. BERNARD That sounds wrong. CAPTAIN DAVE It was right after that game that I got a hitch in my kicking motion. Almost like a stutter kick. BERNARD You talking about the yips. CAPTAIN DAVE That was the most challenging time of my life. BERNARD That was the most challenging time of your life? I watched my neighbor drown. CAPTAIN DAVE The point is, the same thing's happening to me right now. Every time I grab my yoke, my hands go crazy. I can't land this thing. BERNARD Well, if we're gonna die, I'm gonna have some carbs. RONNIE Ugh, God. Thank you, and I am sorry for cancelling. COLIN In retrospect I should have just said let's bang one out and hit the pancake house. ARTEM I like pancakes house. RONNIE Look, Colin, we're just too different. I really did us a favor by not showing up. It's like when you know a massive storm is rolling in. You don't fly into it. They cancel and you go get drunk at the airport bar. COLIN Out of curiosity, how many of your analogies end with and get drunk at the airport bar? BERNARD Ronnie, we have a problem. And it's not even that. RONNIE The yips? CAPTAIN DAVE Would everyone please stop saying that word? RONNIE I have dead body all over my hand, I will use whatever word I want. Why don't you just let Alan land the plane? CAPTAIN DAVE Because Aviator magazine named me a "Top Ten Pilot to Watch." The only list Alan is on is the "Top Ten People Who Can Suck It!" RONNIE Ew! God! Alan! We need you, buddy. You're up. ALAN Me? RONNIE Yeah. Oh, my God! BERNARD Out of my way! Out of my way! ALAN Oh. BERNARD It's okay, everyone. According to the manual, he's still alive. COLIN I'm just curious, how terrified should we be about all of this? RONNIE Depends, you know how to cure the yips? NICHOLE Wait, my friend Crystal had that. Her fingers kept snapping up every time every time she tried to unsnap her bra. She had to stop dancing, but now she runs the club's day care, "Little Grapefruits." BERNARD I still can't believe they got a approved as a Montessori. COLIN So, what are you gonna do. RONNIE Uh, God. RONNIE All right, we're landing this plane. CAPTAIN DAVE Oh, you can fly, thank God. RONNIE No, but you can. And I'm going to help you through it. This all started with a magazine article, right? That's good. That means it's all mental. Just like your high school football thing. So how did you get over it when you were a punter? CAPTAIN DAVE I quit the team, transferred schools, and now can't go near a football without having a panic attack. RONNIE Okay, that's not helpful. CAPTAIN DAVE I guess the best way to get over this is to quit Jackpot's, switch careers, and become a train conductor. Conductor Dave, yeah. That sounds good, I'll be one of "Railroad" magazine's Top Ten Conductors To Watch." Oh, God, the pressure. I can't land this train! RONNIE Oh, my God. BERNARD This is the most depressing landing experience I've ever had. And I was on the Titanic. ARTEM Huh? BERNARD Movie set. Billy Zane has some demons. COLIN I've never seen a dead body before. In Brittain, you try to die like a cat. In a quiet corner, burdening no one. ARTEM Yeah, listen up everybody. Enough sadness. This man is dead but we're not. And if I've learned anything from this tiny rabbi here today, it is that we must make most of life while we have it. So come, let's celebrte that we're not dead or Alan. No, let us rejoice. Hava nagila? Hava nagila. BOY ve-nismeha. ARTEM yeah. BOTH Hava, nagila hava ALL nagila hava nagila ve-nismeha, hava nagila. RONNIE Look, I know this whole top ten thing has gotten to your head, but that's not pressure. Real pressure is safely flying a plane full of people who are all counting on you to get them to their jobs, to get them to their families, to get them to the people they're going to help, and you already to that everyday. So put aside the what ifs and all the ways this could go wrong and just do it. AIR CONTROLLER Jackpot 320, you're clear to land. RONNIE So, what do you think, Captain? You wanna land this thing? CAPTAIN DAVE Las Vegas tower, this is Jackpot 320, marker inbound. Ready to land. ARTEM Yeah! That's the spirit! We are going to Vegas! ALL CAPTAIN DAVE Hello passengers, sorry for the delay, it wasn't my fault. Welcome to Las Vegas. NICHOLE It's called Grapefruits, and as long as you have a letter from a rabbi saying you're a man, they'll totally let you in. ARTEM RABBIS and when you try ready, which slot machines will play, hey! RONNIE Colin! Colin! Hi! Hey! Um, I've been thinking. Let's do it. You and me. Let's put aside all the what ifs and all the thing that could go wrong and the public arguments in restaurants, the breakups, the makeups, the pregnancy scares, so many pregnancy scares. So I say let's fly into the storm, let it tear the plane apart and see if we both survive, what do you think? You wanna do this thing? COLIN Ronnie, that sounds awful, why would we put ourselves through any of that. Up to that, our relationship has been 90% fighting, 7% holding a dead body, and 3% making out in a tiny bathroom. This isn't gonna work. RONNIE Yeah. Yup, COLIN Yeah? RONNIE Yeah, you're right. You're totally right. I think I was just coming off a high from landing the plane, uh, but now that you say it. It makes sense. COLIN Well, okay. I'll see you Sunday. CAPTAIN DAVE Hello. This Captain Dave Prattman, "Top Ten Pilots to Watch" returning a call about a photo shoot tomorrow. Just want to confirm that it's not a practical joke. I've been burned before. Great. CAPTAIN DAVE I like it dirty, and I don't mean the martini. CAPTAIN DAVE This is the smoking section. Boom.