ALAN ARTEM BERNARD CAPTAIN_DAVE COLIN JILL KATIE MAN MONICA NICHOLE PASSENGER PASSENGERS PA_ANNOUNCER PILOT RONNIE RYAN TSA_AGENT WIFE WOMAN_1 WOMAN_2 RONNIE Hi, Mr. Brightman, it's Ronnie Messing. We met yesterday. I was just calling to- Oh, wait! Sorry, not you. I'm yelling at a car. Anyway, I just want you to know I am very, very interested in the job. I still- Oh, wait! Again, not you. So, call me. I'm talking to you this time, not the car. Ugh! RONNIE Ugh. WOMAN 1 Hey, dick. TSA AGENT No liquids. RONNIE Ow. Ow. RONNIE Excuse me, guys. Sorry, I have to get through here. I know. Thank you very much. PASSENGER Whoa. RONNIE Oh, my God. Sorry. Excuse me. Oh. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Excuse me. Oh. RONNIE Welcome aboard. BERNARD Got dressed in the terminal again, didn't you? RONNIE Well, at least I wore underwear this time. Welcome. PILOT Jackpot Airlines. Northwest bound to Las Vegas. BERNARD That's the third time you checked your phone. Am I not enough for you? RONNIE I'm sorry. I'm expecting a call. You heard about Margie Kendall at Delta, right? BERNARD Yeah, they fired her after she freaked out and started sprinkling bacon all over the vegan meals. RONNIE Well, I applied for her job. I interviewed for it yesterday. BERNARD Girl, no. That's the JFK route. You don't want it. It's so sad. The only reason people fly to New York is for work, and, ugh to see plays. Even the name JFK, so tragic. RONNIE It's not just about New York, Bernard. New York leads to London, which leads to Hong Kong. I could see the world. Isn't that why we do this? BERNARD Let me tell you something. I've been doing this for a long time. I've been on flights with royalty, Hollywood royalty, Elizabeth Taylor. She threw an earring at a baby. RONNIE Okay. BERNARD And of all those destinations, Las Vegas is the most enchanting place there is. A place where tigers are liberated from their dirty jungles, and acrobats can make a living. Do you really want to leave this? RONNIE I need to be on a real airline where people aren't just looking to cheat on their wives and butt-smuggle molly. BERNARD Don't joke. I lost a friend that way. ARTEM Ronnie! Ronnie? Ronnie. RONNIE Okay, okay. Artem, what's the problem? ARTEM There's a baby man sitting in my seat. RONNIE We've been over this. There aren't assigned seats. ARTEM But you know this is my lucky seat. If I sit here, I lose. If I sit here, I lose. But if I sit here, I win. And I can hire some sexy dancing ladies. This seat is a job creator. RONNIE Then pay the extra $7 for priority boarding. ARTEM It's only a lucky seat if it's free. RYAN We don't care where we sit. We'd just like two seats next to each other. ARTEM He's adorable. RONNIE Okay. One moment. ARTEM Thank you. RONNIE Um. Oh. Hi. I'm sorry, would you mind terribly sitting next to this pain in the ass and letting the couple take your row? COLIN Oh, no. No, I'd rather not. I like to keep to myself, and he's a bit of a talker. ARTEM That's a nice shirt. How much percent cotton? RONNIE Okay. Thank you. That's helpful. All right. Anybody sitting next to an unoccupied seat and is willing to move gets free beer. PASSENGERS RONNIE You. Not you. Anyone drinking for one? PASSENGERS RONNIE You, sir. MAN Yes. PASSENGERS Aw. KATIE Thank you. RONNIE Of course. You're welcome. After you. You happy now, or is he bad luck, too? ARTEM Not sure yet. Are you Jew? CAPTAIN DAVE Take it from me, Muay Thai will change your life. I myself started taking lessons, but I'm picking it up so fast that I'm also giving lessons. RONNIE Captain, cabin's ready and doors are closed. CAPTAIN DAVE All right, gentlemen, it's time to get high. And also fly this old bird. Just a little captain's joke. I never get high when I'm flying, unless I mistimed the edible. Another captain's joke. RONNIE You really think that's a good use of everyone's time? CAPTAIN DAVE If I can't have some fun with my passengers, why am I here? RONNIE To fly the plane. Go do that. CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, I haven't taken orders since I was in the Air Force or married. Fortunately, I was honorably discharged from both. BERNARD He still looks at pictures of his ex-wife and cries. CAPTAIN DAVE You wanna do the honors, Alan? ALAN Yeah. CAPTAIN DAVE No. You never touch this. This is Captain Dave time. Good afternoon, everyone. This is your captain and friend. I'd like to welcome you on Jackpot Airlines Flight 1610, service to "lost wages." Hm. Why aren't you laughing? ALAN I've heard it, like, 1,200 times. BERNARD Okay, I saw you talking to the British invasion before. Shut up right now and tell us everything. RONNIE Oh, it was magical. I ask him to move, he said no. BERNARD But that accent. Does he call his pants, "trousers"? JILL Ooh, I bet he likes warm beer. Do we have any? RONNIE The fridge is broken, that's all we have. BERNARD Maybe he's a secret agent like James Bond, who keeps falling in love with the witnesses he's sworn to protect. But, oh they keep getting killed. RONNIE Well, he's terrible at his job then. Explains why he flies this airline. JILL You know what? I'm just gonna find out British guy's deal myself. I might as well, right? Today is my last chance. RONNIE Why? What's going on? JILL Oh, I didn't tell you? Delta hired me for their JFK route. RONNIE You got Margie Kendall's job. BERNARD Oh. RONNIE Wow. That's so great. What a big, big deal for you. CAPTAIN DAVE Ladies and gentlemen, if you're looking for a high quality steak at a low quality price, go to Ernie's Steakhouse off the Strip. Trust me. I don't get paid to say this. Free steak. KATIE Bye. RYAN Bye. NICHOLE Oh, my God, are you a stripper? KATIE Um no. NICHOLE Why not? You have an amazing body. You could totally be a stripper. I'm a stripper. Kelly's a stripper. We go to Vegas on the weekends because you can make, like, ten times more there than you would in LA. Especially if there's a big fight in town or a trade show for phones or toilets or whatever. I mean, you would not believe how lonely urinal salesmen are. KATIE That all sounds neat. Um, but actually, I'm going to Vegas to get married. NICHOLE Oh, that's so romantic. Marriage is the best. KATIE Are you married? NICHOLE No. But a lot of the guys who ask me for oral are. Anyway, if you ever want to come by the club and dance, ask for Nichole. I get a bonus for every new girl I bring in. And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything. KATIE Trap? NICHOLE Tell you that we're gonna go and strip and party, but then force you into prostitution. KATIE Oh. Well, I wasn't worried about that, but now, it's the only thing I'll ever worry about. NICHOLE RONNIE I trained Jill. How could they give her that job over me? BERNARD So you didn't get JFK. Personally, I think you dodged a bullet. Unlike a certain president on a cold November day. RONNIE I did not take this job to be stuck on the same stupid route forever. I thought I was going to travel the world, meet interesting people. I thought I would have adventures. ALAN I thought I was gonna be a dancer. RONNIE Oh, my God. Is that how crazy I sound? BERNARD Ronnie, this is where you belong. You are great at this job. You speak these people's language. RONNIE I don't want to speak their language. I want to speak French or Italian or whatever accent Madonna's faking right now. BERNARD You leave Madonna out of this. RONNIE I can't do this anymore, Bernard. I've had enough. I quit. BERNARD No, you don't. RONNIE Yes, I do. I'm done. And the raving bitch in 5E needs a double screwdriver. BERNARD There's no one in 5E. RONNIE There is now. NICHOLE And don't worry, I'm not gonna make you trap or anything. RYAN Hey, we don't even need a chapel. This guy will come to our hotel room and marry us for free if we let him film the. Never mind. ARTEM Hello. I would like to apologize for my earlier rudeness. I didn't even say congratulations for wedding. KATIE Aww. Thank you. ARTEM So, give me the deets. You are eloping? KATIE Well, we actually aren't calling it that, but yeah, I-I guess that is what we're doing. ARTEM Marriage is such a beautiful institution. I'm married. The first time I see wife, it was like Cupid hit me. RYAN Yeah, yeah, that's how we felt. We're high school sweethearts. ARTEM Yeah. So why you elope? He knock you up? RYAN No. God, no, she's not pregnant. ARTEM Oh, because you're virgins? It's religious, and now, you want to get married quickly so he can make entry. KATIE I'm sorry. So he can. what? RYAN Uh, we're-we're not religious. It's just. Our parents are throwing this giant wedding for us that we don't want. We finally decided to just do this on our own terms. ARTEM Well, I wish the both of you a lifetime full of happiness, luck, and love. KATIE Thank you. ARTEM Yup. KATIE What a sweet man. ARTEM It is to piss off the parents. RONNIE Hey, King George, you want to have a drink with me? COLIN Seems like you're doing fine by yourself. Vodka, scotch, tequila. It's like you're hosting the Olympics in your liver. RONNIE Oh, yeah. Well, Russia's in the lead, but Mexico's coming on strong. Oh, come on. One drink. I'm having a bad day. Hm. COLIN Fine. I'll have one. But only 'cause I'm concerned about what all this liquor is doing to somebody of your body mass. RONNIE Oh, you've noticed my body mass. COLIN Yes, well, you have to have a keen eye when you're an MI 6 agent. Even a terrible one who kills all his witnesses. RONNIE No, you don't kill them, you're just so incompetent they die on your watch. COLIN Oh right. I need to do a better job of eavesdropping next time. RONNIE Mistakes like that get people killed. COLIN Yeah. RONNIE You know, in eight months of flying, I think this is the most I've ever heard you talk. COLIN Well, I guess it's 'cause you haven't got me drunk before. RONNIE You want another one? COLIN No. No, no, no. One more and I'm gonna have to attend a tiny AA meeting. RONNIE Okay, so what do you really do? COLIN I am a professor of economics at, uh, UCLA. RONNIE Oh, well, are you at least, like, a rogue professor who plays by his own rules? COLIN No. I generally operate within university bylaws. NICHOLE Wait, did you say you teach economics? Okay, you might know this. So, I'm an exotic dancer, and I get naked at work, but I also get naked in my home. Can I write that off as a home office? COLIN I don't believe so. NICHOLE I'm gonna kill Amber. CAPTAIN DAVE Nice to see ya. Well look at that, you two kids getting married this weekend? KATIE Uh-huh. CAPTAIN DAVE That's fantastic. You know, if you need an officiant. RYAN Oh, actually, we might. Are you ordained? CAPTAIN DAVE Uh, yeah. You're sitting in my ordination. You know how a boat captain can marry anyone? I'm a plane captain. It's the same thing. ARTEM It's not the same thing. CAPTAIN DAVE Yes, it is. What the hell do you know? ARTEM I know that you should be flying this plane and not talking garbage. CAPTAIN DAVE If you understood anything about modern aviation, you know these planes fly themselves. This baby is a technological marvel. And besides, my job isn't just about flying the plane. It's about connecting with the passengers. ARTEM Connect with us by not crashing the plane. CAPTAIN DAVE I'll connect however the hell I want. ARTEM Hey, you still owe me $300 from, uh, Vikings last week. CAPTAIN DAVE I'm good for it. RONNIE I really thought that Delta job was my chance. I-I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. COLIN Uh-huh. RONNIE Uh-huh, what? COLIN Oh It's nothing. I was just clearing my throat. The accent makes it sound, um, judgmental. RONNIE No, it's fine. You can tell me. I'm a big girl. COLIN Well, I've observed that you are quite impulsive. You did just quit your job on this airline because you didn't get a job on another airline, which is precisely when you would need a job on this airline. RONNIE Thank you very much, but I don't need to get lectured by you. COLIN People literally pay to get lectured by me. RONNIE Okay. TED Talk, what would you have done? COLIN Well, since you asked, I would have analyzed current hiring trends in the job market, cross-referenced those with my experience in particular. RONNIE Oh, my God. COLIN If nothing else, I wouldn't have quit on the outbound flight 'cause now you're gonna have to pay for your own way home. RONNIE Damn it. Yes. That was dumb on my part, but I go with my gut, unlike some overthinky British know-it-all with an NPR tote bag. COLIN Okay, their programming is brought to us by listeners like me. RONNIE Well, I don't have to listen to you just because you have a sexy accent. COLIN Well, I don't have to engage with you just because you're uncommonly beautiful. RONNIE Why are you complimenting me? COLIN You complimented me first. RONNIE This is a very confusing fight. COLIN You're a very confusing woman. RONNIE Well, I know how to make it more confusing. Ah, that's wet, that's wet, that's wet. COLIN This is so much grosser than I ever imagined it would be. RONNIE Never touch that with your hand. CAPTAIN DAVE You two banging in there? COLIN Rain check? RONNIE God, yes. COLIN Yeah, okay, okay. CAPTAIN DAVE Ladies, and gentlemen, welcome to Las Vegas. RYAN Okay, so, it looks like the chapel is next to a gun range. KATIE Ooh. RYAN Wait, the chapel is a gun range. RONNIE Hey, look, I've never done anything like that before. I don't want you to think that. COLIN Oh, I don't. Also, by the way, neither have I. So I don't want you to think. RONNIE I don't. COLIN Good. So, neither of us think. PASSENGERS Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! COLIN I'll call you when I'm back in LA. RONNIE I'd like that. PASSENGERS Vegas! Vegas! Vegas! BERNARD Well, bad news, folks, Flight 1322 with service to Los Angeles will be delayed at least another hour. MONICA I just want to throw up in my own house. NICHOLE Hey. How'd you do this weekend? ARTEM Ah. So-so. What about you? NICHOLE Pretty good. ARTEM Maybe I should quit card, become stripper, huh? NICHOLE Well, what are you working with? 'Cause you'll clean up if you’re bigger than eight or smaller than three. CAPTAIN DAVE And then she says, "I can't be with someone who's always somewhere else." So I say, "Booboo, I'm a pilot." And she says, "No, emotionally somewhere else." Then I don't know what she said. I had to end the FaceTime because we were landing. Mmm. One more for the road, Scotty. I'm wheels up in ten. It's club soda. PA ANNOUNCER Flight 1322, now boarding. RONNIE Hey, there. COLIN Hi. Uh, what are you doing here? I thought you quit. RONNIE Oh, well, you were right. That might've been a little too impulsive, and besides, this job is not all that bad. I meet some interesting people at least. Right? COLIN Uh Yeah, that's good. Uh, pleased for you. Here's the thing, uh, quick update. WIFE Honey, all the bins are full. I hate other people's stuff. Hi. Can you check this for us. RONNIE Us? You two are together? WIFE Yeah. We're married. Isn't he lucky? Can you take it, please? RONNIE Yes. Absolutely. I didn't realize you had so much baggage. COLIN Ahh. Ehh. WIFE For the new trick, Pascal the Magnificent wants to make me disappear and then reappear in Jerusalem. But I don't know. I don't like hummus. COLIN Excuse me. WIFE Oh, no, it's guacamole I don't like. I don't like guacamole. RONNIE Attention, passengers. You are now free to move about the cabin. COLIN Hello. Can I please explain? RONNIE No need. I get it. Mystery solved. You go to Vegas every weekend to see your wife. COLIN No. I go to see my child. RONNIE Of course you have a family. You didn't think about maybe mentioning that to me before? COLIN Oh, yeah, while you were unbuttoning my pants, I kept on thinking, "I can't wait for her to meet my son." Look. RONNIE I can't believe how stupid I feel. I was just having such a bad day, and I really thought something nice came out of this. But you're not nice. You're just another guy who will do anything to get a woman into bathroom. COLIN Just listen. A few years ago, I was in Vegas for a conference. I met a magician's assistant. I didn't overthink it for once. We spent the night together. Ta-da. She's pregnant. I mean, what are the odds? ARTEM Well, it depends on her age, time in cycle, and which pocket you keep your cell phone. It's roughly five to two. COLIN That's not helpful. RONNIE Sit down, Colin. We're done. COLIN Can we please just discuss. RONNIE Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign. Please return to your seat. COLIN The seatbelt light isn't on. COLIN Right, but we're not experiencing any. Wow. That is a terrifying trick. CAPTAIN DAVE And the thing that took my Muay Thai to the next level was when I realized... there are no levels. You want to fly the plane? WOMAN 2 Okay. RONNIE What are you doing? CAPTAIN DAVE Just taking a walk. RONNIE Mm-hmm. And what's in your pocket? Is that. Oh. A sock. Were you gonna put a sock on the cockpit door? CAPTAIN DAVE Yeah. I'm doing it for all of you. It's bad enough Alan has to watch. RONNIE This is not okay. You cannot just go around putting socks wherever you want. CAPTAIN DAVE Captain Steve, who flies international, says he has sex all the time with the passengers. How come I'm not allowed to do anything cool? How come I can't bond with some 21 year old bros or officiate a wedding or make it with some EDM ho? WOMAN 2 Excuse me. I'm into House. CAPTAIN DAVE And I cannot wait to hear all about that. You think this is how I pictured my life? I grew up wanting to be a fighter pilot, not flying the puddle jumper to Vegas. All I wanted to be was a hero. Now, I'll just settle for one decent story. Please, don't cockpit block me. RONNIE CAPTAIN DAVE Ronnie, can I at least have my sock back. My foot's freezing. NICHOLE Hey, newlywed. Where's the wifey? I just wanted to say thanks 'cause of her, I got a gift card. RYAN What are you talking about? NICHOLE Well, she came to my club and danced and said I referred her. RYAN To dance, you mean, to strip? NICHOLE Well, yeah. You didn't see? RYAN No. Last time I saw Katie was Friday night. ARTEM So the wedding did not happen? RYAN No. Okay? When we got to the hotel, she decided that I've been holding her back. So, she broke it off and stayed in Vegas. That's the story. You happy now? ARTEM No, I lost "Girl stays in Vegas" six to one. You're a winner, Gary. RYAN Wait, you bet on my marriage falling apart? ARTEM Eh. RYAN What is wrong with you people? Before she got on this plane, she was just a normal girl. Two hours with all of you, and suddenly, she's leaving me to go take her clothes off for a Saudi Prince. NICHOLE Oh, you guys met Raja. No, he's not a Saudi Prince. He's just a Mexican with a pet falcon. RONNIE What's going on? RYAN This plane is full of monsters. RONNIE Okay. You're not wrong, but the best thing you can do right now is just take a deep breath and relax. RYAN Oh, now you want to get involved? You're not too busy having sex in the bathroom with that guy? PASSENGERS RYAN Yeah, everybody knows about that. WIFE Wait, you had sex with her? COLIN No, we did not have sex. It was just a bit of over-the-trouser stuff. BERNARD Trousers. Told you. COLIN But, frankly, even if we did, it's none of your business. We've been separated a year. RONNIE You're separated? COLIN Yes! That's what I was trying to tell you before. RYAN Oh, my God! Who cares? BERNARD Okay, just calm down. Let me get you a nice warm beer. RYAN Do not come near me, or I swear I will go Passenger 57 all over this place. BERNARD You leave Wesley Snipes out of this. RYAN You people are the villains, and you know what happens to the villains? They go down. PASSENGERS RYAN Yeah, that's right. I'll take out this whole plane. They'll call me a hero. They will throw parades in my honor! CAPTAIN DAVE Muay Thai! PASSENGERS RYAN Okay, too far. I get it. That was too far. CAPTAIN DAVE Consider yourself grounded. PASSENGERS RONNIE This is a pretty good story. CAPTAIN DAVE Making love in the cockpit would have been a better one. ARTEM Oh, good luck, my friend. We're all betting you're out on good behaviors, so be nice, but don't be bitch! COLIN May I? RONNIE Where's your wife. COLIN Ah, I got her a ticket back to Vegas. She wanted to come to LA to work things out. My instinct was to say no, but um. RONNIE You overthought it? COLIN Yes, I did. RONNIE Hmm. COLIN So, where do you suppose this leaves me and you? RONNIE I don't know. COLIN Okay. RONNIE I'll have to think about it. COLIN And I would say don't overthink it. RONNIE COLIN cause I kind of like your impulsiveness. RONNIE I kind of like your NPR tote bag. NICHOLE Aw, that's so sad. I really thought they were gonna end up in another bathroom. CAPTAIN DAVE What the hell? ALAN Yeah, I've got a black light and a little dance floor in my apartment. Bye guys. CAPTAIN DAVE Is that my sock? Alan! Give me back my sock! Alan!