ANNOUNCER BARMAN BELGIAN_PRESENTER BRAZILIAN_PRESENTER BRITISH_PRESENTER CAPTAIN CARMEL CROWD DOM_CHABOL DRIVER DR_FRISIUM DR_LYNN_BRENNAN EMILIE_CHABOL ENZO ERIK ERIK_SCHULTZ FRENCH_COMMENTATOR FRENCH_RACE_COMMENTATOR IRISH_RACE_COMMENTATOR ITALIAN_COMMENTATOR JEAN_MARIE_LEBLANC JULIO KIWI LIONEL_DARDONNE LUC_BONHEUR NEWS_REPORTER ORLA PETER_BRENNAN RACE_COMMISSAR REPORTER_1 REPORTER_2 SETTOSA_RIDER SONNY_MCELHONE SPANISH_PRESENTER STEWARDESS TARTARE_MARINO TEENAGE_FAN UNCLE_JOHN VIKING WAITRESS SONNY MCELHONE Lazarus has raised. SONNY MCELHONE Good man! SONNY MCELHONE By the time your feet hit the pedals, you’ll feel like a teenager. SETTOSA RIDER Hey Chabol. SETTOSA RIDER I hear this is your last tour. SETTOSA RIDER Tough shit man. SETTOSA RIDER Tough shit. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the official ANNOUNCER start of the Tour de France 1998. ANNOUNCER Please join me for the countdown. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1… CAPTAIN Hello again ladies and gentlemen. This is your captain speaking. I hope you’re CAPTAIN enjoying the flight. We’re just about to make our descent now CAPTAIN into Dublin. May I take this opportunity to say what an honour it is for us STEWARDESS Time to put on your seatbelt sir. We’re about to land. CAPTAIN here in Ireland to host what is the first Tour de France to start CAPTAIN outside mainland Europe. CAPTAIN The very best of Irish luck CAPTAIN to all you cyclists travelling with us today. Goodbye and God bless you all. VIKING Okay ladies. VIKING Ladies, can I have your attention? VIKING This is your home for a couple of days. VIKING Remember, we have a training session after lunch. VIKING Don’t get distracted. TARTARE MARINO Hey Kiwi, will you take my bag? REPORTER 1 Please Tartare REPORTER 1 just a few questions? TARTARE MARINO Sure, go ahead. REPORTER 2 5 minutes Tartare. TARTARE MARINO Yes. TEENAGE FAN Any chance of an autograph? TEENAGE FAN Do you think you have a chance of winning? Should I put me money on ya? DOM CHABOL No, I’m a domestique. TEENAGE FAN A what? DOM CHABOL I’m a domestique. I’m a support rider. I’m not supposed to win. DOM CHABOL See that guy over there? That’s Tartare. That’s our lead rider. He’s gonna win. You’re gonna wanna get his autograph. Okay? DOM CHABOL Have you got another one? It doesn’t work. TEENAGE FAN Don’t worry about it. TARTARE MARINO Me. My face on the front page. TARTARE MARINO Two weeks ago I was nobody, right TARTARE MARINO now I’m famous in Ireland. Who wants a look? SONNY MCELHONE I’ll take a wee nosy boss! TARTARE MARINO Take a look. It’s fantastic, great. WAITRESS Now gentlemen, five plates of plain pasta? SONNY MCELHONE That’s us darlin’. WAITRESS A steak tartare with a raw egg? TARTARE MARINO Me. Thank you. WAITRESS And a double cheeseburger WAITRESS with extra chips. SONNY MCELHONE The cheeseburger’s mine. LIONEL DARDONNE Thank you. SONNY MCELHONE Mmmm. SONNY MCELHONE Mmmm. Mmmm. TARTARE MARINO I go. TARTARE MARINO I go. TARTARE MARINO I cannot sit here with this er TARTARE MARINO fat burger face. SONNY MCELHONE I’m on a pasta free diet. TARTARE MARINO What’s funny? No, what’s funny? Why you laughing? SONNY MCELHONE You remember when seeing your name in the paper was enough to power SONNY MCELHONE you through the whole tour. LIONEL DARDONNE That’s me. DOM CHABOL Ah, it’s the rookies. DOM CHABOL The protagonists for the white jersey, Farinelli… LIONEL DARDONNE Farinelli… SONNY MCELHONE Look at you. Your first tour. SONNY MCELHONE I forgot you were a young bastard once. TARTARE MARINO Dom! Dom! Bring me some water, please. DOM CHABOL He wants some water. Just keep the pace eh? DOM CHABOL Julio, ca va? JULIO Yeah, I’m OK, I’m OK. TARTARE MARINO I’m hungry too. DOM CHABOL Okay. DOM CHABOL Kids are hungry. DOM CHABOL How are you doing Sonny, are you good? DOM CHABOL See you’re smoking all the time again eh? TARTARE MARINO Thanks. DOM CHABOL Alright Tone, you good? DRIVER Oh Jesus! SONNY MCELHONE Who knocked the froth off his cappuccino? TARTARE MARINO Let’s go. Go, go, go! VIKING You did a good job. Finish, finish TARTARE MARINO I go, I go. VIKING Okay. TARTARE MARINO I will wear the other shoes, okay? VIKING Yeah, take the VIKING other ones. They’ll be better. DOM CHABOL Viking. DOM CHABOL Viking. DOM CHABOL I need to DOM CHABOL know about next year. My contract. VIKING Yeah. VIKING Let’s just see how you get on this year. SONNY MCELHONE Fuck him. He’s just playing SONNY MCELHONE hardball. He knows the team’ll collapse without ya. SONNY MCELHONE You’re part of the furniture for fucks sake! DOM CHABOL Ah hello, er, hey Brad, how’s it going? DOM CHABOL Listen, I have a question for you about erm, about next year and er… DOM CHABOL No no, two minutes. I just wanted to talk to you about next year because… DOM CHABOL Hello? I’m er DOM CHABOL I’m thinking about leaving Estrange. DOM CHABOL Yeah. no, I’m not gonna bother you too long. I just wanted to er… Yeah, no, Tartare – he’s good. He’s er… Yeah, he’s in shape, he’s in shape. Well, I don’t know what he’s gonna do next year. Erm… DOM CHABOL Goddamned, stupid motherfuckers. DOM CHABOL Patrick, how are you? It’s Dominic Chabol. How’s it going? DOM CHABOL No, I get it. You need to give the youngsters a chance. DOM CHABOL Thanks. OK, bye. DOM CHABOL Yeah. SONNY MCELHONE Alright big man? DOM CHABOL Hey guys. KIWI Hey mate. SONNY MCELHONE What’s your blood tag Kiwi? KIWI Erm… Madame Foo Foo. SONNY MCELHONE Madame Foo Foo. Was your pet a fuckin’ drag queen? KIWI Shut the fuck up mate! KIWI Was my sister’s Pekinese. SONNY MCELHONE Here you go Madame Foo Foo. KIWI It’s cold. SONNY MCELHONE All the better for boosting SONNY MCELHONE your blood son. SONNY MCELHONE Enzo. ENZO Milou. SONNY MCELHONE Who’s Milou when he’s at home? ENZO You know, it’s the dog from Tintin. SONNY MCELHONE Excuse me. SONNY MCELHONE Tintin’s dog was called Snowy. ENZO Well, in Portugal it was Milou. SONNY MCELHONE Hang on. I’ve got two bags tagged with Milou here. TARTARE MARINO No my dog was Milou. ENZO What?! ENZO It’s my dog too. TARTARE MARINO Are you after my blood Enzo? My dog was Milou. SONNY MCELHONE Oh bloody hell. So what do we do now? TARTARE MARINO What’s the worst that can happen TARTARE MARINO if we take the wrong blood? SONNY MCELHONE Lemme see. You’re the same blood type, so small chance SONNY MCELHONE of complications. ENZO Yeah, like what? SONNY MCELHONE Well, there’s always a possibility of an allergic reaction. TARTARE MARINO And that’s it? TARTARE MARINO Like no other possible side effects? SONNY MCELHONE No, the other possible side effect is, if you don’t take it, you won’t win. TARTARE MARINO Ah give me, give me, give me. TARTARE MARINO So oof… TARTARE MARINO This is me. This is me, this is me. ENZO What if it’s not you? TARTARE MARINO This is me Enzo. I can feel myself inside this bag. This is me. ENZO Think it’s safer if I don’t. Okay? TARTARE MARINO What? Go sit down TARTARE MARINO and take the blood. What’s the worst TARTARE MARINO that can happen? Please! TARTARE MARINO What an arsehole! SONNY MCELHONE Well, I guess SONNY MCELHONE that’s settled then. SONNY MCELHONE Now, Dom… DOM CHABOL Do you know Sonny that I’m Belgian. Tintin’s dog’s actually called Bobby. SONNY MCELHONE Fascinating. Absolutely fucking fascinating. SONNY MCELHONE That should do ya. DOM CHABOL Thanks. SONNY MCELHONE How ya feeling? DOM CHABOL I need to see a doctor. SONNY MCELHONE Give Strocatti a call. He’s probably in his room… DOM CHABOL Sonny, not the team doctor. SONNY MCELHONE Are you okay? DOM CHABOL Just wanna get it checked. I don’t want the whole team to know about it. Especially not Viking with the way he’s been lately. SONNY MCELHONE Sure. DOM CHABOL I just wanna be 100% fit okay? SONNY MCELHONE Leave it with me. DOM CHABOL Thanks. DR LYNN BRENNAN One more time. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DR LYNN BRENNAN Aaaaah. DOM CHABOL Aaaaah. DOM CHABOL Aaaaah. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. You can relax. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well, your chest sounds clear. Your heartrate is pretty low, but you are an athlete. How long have you had it? DOM CHABOL Erm for about a week. DOM CHABOL I wake up coughing and then feel like I’m choking. DR LYNN BRENNAN Any other symptoms? DOM CHABOL Erm dizziness. Er shivering. Er DOM CHABOL sweat when I wake up. DR LYNN BRENNAN That’s strange cos they’re all flu symptoms, but I don’t think it’s the flu. DR LYNN BRENNAN Can I ask you about your diet? DOM CHABOL Erm it’s limited. DOM CHABOL Protein and er carbs on races. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well your immune system may be low. It’s hard DR LYNN BRENNAN to fight infection with an imbalanced diet. DR LYNN BRENNAN You might have caught a little virus here in Ireland. DR LYNN BRENNAN With a virus you just have to ride it out. If you’ll excuse the pun. DR LYNN BRENNAN Er the UCI gave DR LYNN BRENNAN me one of these while I’m working for them. DR LYNN BRENNAN So I’ll, I’ll give you my number. DR LYNN BRENNAN If things get bad, just erm, just give me a call. DOM CHABOL Thanks. DR LYNN BRENNAN Oh and er be no harm to see a nutritionist after the race. Just help build you up. DOM CHABOL Listen, erm… Dr Lynn Brennan, would you mind not - DOM CHABOL telling anybody about this meeting please? I just don’t want the team to know. DR LYNN BRENNAN Patient doctor confidentiality prevents that Mr… DOM CHABOL Dom. DR LYNN BRENNAN Mr Dom. DOM CHABOL Dominique Chabol. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DOM CHABOL Sonny. SONNY MCELHONE Thanks for doing that Lynn. DR LYNN BRENNAN Sure, no problem. See you round. SONNY MCELHONE See ya. DOM CHABOL Thanks. SONNY MCELHONE All good? DOM CHABOL Where’d you find her? SONNY MCELHONE Nice eh? SONNY MCELHONE Medical graduate. SONNY MCELHONE Placement with the UCI for the Irish leg of the tour. SONNY MCELHONE Message from Viking. SONNY MCELHONE Good news? DOM CHABOL It’s from my sister. SONNY MCELHONE Your sister? DOM CHABOL Yeah, yeah. She wants me to call her. SONNY MCELHONE Don’t talk to me about families. EMILIE CHABOL Hello. DOM CHABOL Hi Emilie. How are you? EMILIE CHABOL Dad died this morning, Dom. DOM CHABOL Oh. EMILIE CHABOL The funeral is next week. DOM CHABOL When? EMILIE CHABOL Friday probably. You are coming, aren’t you? DOM CHABOL Yeah, but I’m in Ireland. EMILIE CHABOL So what? DOM CHABOL The Tour’s about to start. EMILIE CHABOL When are you back? DOM CHABOL It’s three weeks, Emilie. You know that. EMILIE CHABOL DOM CHABOL But I can’t… I can’t say yet. DOM CHABOL I’ll do my best. I’ll… DOM CHABOL Hello. EMILIE CHABOL Dom? DOM CHABOL Yes. But… EMILIE CHABOL You have to be there. DOM CHABOL Listen, Emilie, I’ll let you know. I’ll call you. OK? EMILIE CHABOL Fuck the Tour, Dom. This is about your dad. DOM CHABOL Yeah? TARTARE MARINO Dom? DOM CHABOL Yeah? TARTARE MARINO Please come to my room. I cannot breathe. DOM CHABOL No, just relax, relax. Okay. Yeah, keep breathing Tar. Okay, see you in a bit. TARTARE MARINO The pressure’s too much. I could not sleep. I need to see the road, Dom. DOM CHABOL Okay, I know but you’ve gotta relax. Open up, open up. TARTARE MARINO No. I was laying in that bed for two hours and I couldn’t sleep Dom! I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t see the finish line. DOM CHABOL You get this every time. DOM CHABOL Okay? It’s always before a stage you get this. TARTARE MARINO No Dom, I couldn’t see the finish line TARTARE MARINO and cannot do anything. Okay? DOM CHABOL Okay, can you breathe? Can you breathe? Just breathe in. DOM CHABOL You know the routine. The routine. Put your hand on your nose. TARTARE MARINO I was laying in my bed and I did not see, I could not see the road. I need to see the finish line. Dom. DOM CHABOL You focus okay? You listen to - DOM CHABOL me. Close your eyes. Put your hand on your nose. DOM CHABOL You see the road. You see the road. DOM CHABOL You see the finish. Okay, calm down. Relax. DOM CHABOL Calm, calm down. Hand on your nose. Alright. DOM CHABOL Alright. Alright. And deep. LIONEL DARDONNE I’m nervous, Dom. But that’s normal, right? I don’t want to let the team down. LIONEL DARDONNE OK, it’s my first Tour, but I’m so excited. I feel strong. LIONEL DARDONNE How was it for you? Got any advice? DOM CHABOL Advice? Listen… DOM CHABOL You have to rest. Always, properly. OK? LIONEL DARDONNE OK. DOM CHABOL And remember… Never stand up when you can sit down. Never sit down when you can lie down. LIONEL DARDONNE OK, got it. DOM CHABOL OK? DOM CHABOL And drink your coffee. LIONEL DARDONNE OK. DOM CHABOL And every night… DOM CHABOL You wank. To clean the pipes. LIONEL DARDONNE Really? DOM CHABOL Yes, it’s important. Sonny? SONNY MCELHONE Absolutely. Tug the sausage, every night. LIONEL DARDONNE Yeah, yeah, always. DOM CHABOL You do? Every night? LIONEL DARDONNE Yes, always. DOM CHABOL Without fail? LIONEL DARDONNE Yes. Every night. LIONEL DARDONNE You fuckers. DOM CHABOL I told you he has a big arm didn’t I? DOM CHABOL You believe everything. LIONEL DARDONNE Yeah, yeah. DOM CHABOL Listen…You’re excited . It’s your first Tour. But you have to know your place. DOM CHABOL We’re here for Tartare. He’s going to win stages, not you. LIONEL DARDONNE OK. DOM CHABOL OK? Got it? LIONEL DARDONNE Sure. And I want to ride clean. No doping, no steroids. LIONEL DARDONNE I didn’t take anything and I’m here, I’m here in the team so I can do it. DOM CHABOL That’s good, kid. SONNY MCELHONE Good work son. Very good. LIONEL DARDONNE I need this power for the mountain. SONNY MCELHONE Have you tried sit up explodes? LIONEL DARDONNE What? SONNY MCELHONE They’re the best exercise that maximise power. Lie back, stretch your arms out like you’re Christ on the cross. Dom, you grab hold of his ankles. I’m gonna lay this towel across your head and shoulders. When I pull it away you sit up as fast as you can. Ready? Here we go. SONNY MCELHONE And up. SONNY MCELHONE Can you feel the power it gives ya? Come on, one more time. And up… DOM CHABOL Faster. SONNY MCELHONE One last time. really fast now - SONNY MCELHONE and up… LIONEL DARDONNE You fucker. DOM CHABOL Hey, hey. It’s OK, it’s OK. It’s a joke. VIKING Team meeting. VIKING Let’s go. VIKING Okay ladies. VIKING I want to give you your race numbers for tomorrow, but first some news. Last night I VIKING heard Team Settosa selected a new young domestique, Jan Mertens. VIKING He’s very fast and very strong. This VIKING has forced me to rethink strategy. VIKING Erik Schultz… ERIK Yah? VIKING You will replace Dom Chabol for the tour. LIONEL DARDONNE You can’t do that, boss. How come? VIKING Quiet! VIKING Quiet please. VIKING I want to take this opportunity to say – thank you Dom for being there when we needed you. For all you have done for us. To Dom, the… VIKING For the rest of you… TARTARE MARINO Dom, Dom, Dom. My friend. TARTARE MARINO If this was my decision, you’re riding tomorrow. Believe me. Dom… Mate. TARTARE MARINO Thank you. Thank you. DOM CHABOL Erik fucking Schultz! VIKING Erik is younger, lighter, faster and stronger. DOM CHABOL He’s not a lead out man! DOM CHABOL Does he know I have to put Tartare to sleep like a little baby every night? VIKING Look at yourself Dom. VIKING You’re nearly 39 years old. What do you want me to say? DOM CHABOL The team needs experience! My experience! VIKING The wheels spin VIKING spins again, then spins again. VIKING That’s all the fucking experience you need! VIKING The tour starts tomorrow. 10am. After the Grand Départ, you’re out of contract. Free to go. DOM CHABOL That’s it? VIKING That’s it. DOM CHABOL Bastard. Fuck! SONNY MCELHONE You alright big man? I just heard the news. SONNY MCELHONE What a cunt! Dom, open up. SONNY MCELHONE We can get a bevy. SONNY MCELHONE Open up! DOM CHABOL Fucking bastard. SONNY MCELHONE I’ll see ya later, okay? BARMAN What can I get ya? DOM CHABOL You have a wine list? BARMAN Wine list?! BARMAN There you go sir. DOM CHABOL That’s it? BARMAN That’s it. DOM CHABOL Australian. DOM CHABOL No matter what they tell you. No matter what they do. Ah stupid song. Stupid song. DOM CHABOL Aaaaargh! DOM CHABOL Fuck! DOM CHABOL Aaaargh! DOM CHABOL Yeah, West County Hotel. Yeah, can I speak to Sonny McElhone please? Room 249. He’s not there? DOM CHABOL Fuck! DOM CHABOL No, thank you. DOM CHABOL Argh! DOM CHABOL Yeah, hello Dr Lynn? Yeah, hi, it’s Dom. Dom Chabol the cyclist. Yeah, hi erm you told me to call you in an emergency if things got worse. Yeah, things got worse. A lot worse. DR LYNN BRENNAN Are ya hurt? DR LYNN BRENNAN What happened? DOM CHABOL Fell off my bike. DR LYNN BRENNAN Are you sure you’re okay? DOM CHABOL Yeah. I don’t wanna talk about it. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well where is it? DR LYNN BRENNAN Your bike? DOM CHABOL Threw it away. DR LYNN BRENNAN You threw it away? DOM CHABOL Yeah. I threw it away. DOM CHABOL Yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. Well you look like you need a drink. DR LYNN BRENNAN And I know just the place. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well don’t get too excited. ORLA No matter what they tell us. ORLA No matter what they do. PETER BRENNAN Dom is it? DOM CHABOL Yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN This is my father, Peter. DOM CHABOL Hi. DR LYNN BRENNAN And this is my uncle John. UNCLE JOHN Hiya. DOM CHABOL Hello. DR LYNN BRENNAN Dom is going to be riding in the Tour de France on Saturday. PETER BRENNAN Oh he’s in the Tour de France. PETER BRENNAN Fair play to ya. PETER BRENNAN Carmel. PETER BRENNAN Carmel! Here a sec. PETER BRENNAN Dom here is in the Tour de France. CARMEL How are ya Dom? Is it true you fellas shave your legs? DOM CHABOL Yeah. CARMEL And arms? DOM CHABOL Yeah. Some do. CARMEL Anywhere else? PETER BRENNAN Here Dom… DOM CHABOL Hm? PETER BRENNAN The race – are you gonna win? DOM CHABOL No. I’m a domestique. PETER BRENNAN A what? DOM CHABOL I’m a domestique. I’m a support rider. DOM CHABOL I’m not supposed to win. PETER BRENNAN You’re not supposed to win? DOM CHABOL No. It’s not my job. DOM CHABOL The lead rider wins. DOM CHABOL So I set the pace. He’s close behind me at the wheel and I push the air. DR LYNN BRENNAN Push the air? What, like a slipstream? DOM CHABOL Yeah, block the wind. When the sprint comes DOM CHABOL I move over so he flies out of my wheel towards the finish line. DOM CHABOL So I use my energy for him to use it at that moment. PETER BRENNAN You’re not supposed to win? DOM CHABOL No. DR LYNN BRENNAN But don’t you ever wanna win yourself? DOM CHABOL Yeah, of course every rider DOM CHABOL wants to win a stage, but… it’s a dream. DR LYNN BRENNAN Dom. Dom. DR LYNN BRENNAN You need to go. DOM CHABOL What? DR LYNN BRENNAN You need to go to your own room. DOM CHABOL Why? DR LYNN BRENNAN I’ve got work in a few hours and so do you. DR LYNN BRENNAN Come on, let’s go! DOM CHABOL Yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN Just it wouldn’t be good for either of us if anyone saw. DR LYNN BRENNAN Know what I mean? It’s kind of unprofessional. DR LYNN BRENNAN Don’t take it personally. DR LYNN BRENNAN And we can meet later on. DR LYNN BRENNAN After the race. Will you be free? DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DR LYNN BRENNAN Erm… Well, see you at the bar downstairs at DR LYNN BRENNAN – 8. Okay? DOM CHABOL Okay. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay, go DR LYNN BRENNAN – go, bye. VIKING Dom, open up. VIKING Dom! DOM CHABOL What? VIKING You’re back on. VIKING Enzo is sick. He’s in hospital. VIKING We registered you. VIKING Look Dom, I know I said a lot of shit in the gym. But VIKING now I need you. The team needs you. DOM CHABOL And what about next year? VIKING I haven’t got time for this Dom. VIKING The fact is, you’re still under contract. So get VIKING your shit together. DOM CHABOL Yes! SONNY MCELHONE Lazarus is raised. BELGIAN PRESENTER Who will attack first? All eyes are on the two teams… SPANISH PRESENTER And the whole city seems to be here to welcome them. BRAZILIAN PRESENTER Because of the World Cup, which is being held in France… BRITISH PRESENTER Yes and here we are on an unusually sunny day in Dublin, the capital city of the Emerald Isle BRITISH PRESENTER where the Grand Départ is not far off. Today there’s BRITISH PRESENTER there’s a carnival atmosphere. And Irish BRITISH PRESENTER eyes are smiling. ANNOUNCER Welcome ANNOUNCER to the official start of the Tour de France 1998. Please join me for the countdown. ANNOUNCER 5… 4… 3… 2 CROWD 5… 4… 3… 2 ANNOUNCER 1… CROWD 1… IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR There they go, all 164 riders roll through the ceremonial zone neutral. A Parade for the IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR fans before the actual race start on the outskirts of the city. At the head of the peloton IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR are tour favourites Team Settosa and Team Austrange. On the left is Luxembourg rider Stefano Drago, who was disqualified last year for throwing his water bottle at Flemish domestique Dom Chabol. Interesting to see how they’ll get on this year. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Commencing in the centre of Dublin city IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR the route takes the riders out to Bray, County Wicklow and concludes back in Dublin, for the sprint finish in Phoenix Park. LIONEL DARDONNE Alright, Dom? TARTARE MARINO God! What the fuck are you doing? DOM CHABOL Come on! DOM CHABOL Watch the turn, watch the turn! IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR This is classic Dom Chabol. Forging ahead. Setting the pace at the head of the peloton. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Being jostled for prime position by prime position by fellow Flemish rider Jan Mertens. Both domestiques trying to clear the way for their lead riders Drago and Tartare as they enter the final 5K of the stage. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Look at the powerhouse that is Chabol, sucking sprinting Tartare along in his slipstream. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Peeling off to let him sprint ahead in the IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR final 200 metres! IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Tartare fights it out with Drago IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR in the final 100 metres of the stage. ANNOUNCER Sprinting for the finish line. ANNOUNCER He’s passing, he’s passing. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Surely… Yes, he has it! The Italian takes the yellow jersey. Narrow… DOM CHABOL Yes! ANNOUNCER A win ANNOUNCER Tartare! The winner of the yellow jersey. ANNOUNCER Team Austrange does it again! Winner of the first stage of the 1998 Tour de France. SONNY MCELHONE That was pure fucking poetry! SONNY MCELHONE Hey Dardonne, you won the Maillot Blanc. The white jersey. You won it! DOM CHABOL The white jersey. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Belgian rider Lionel Dardonne. Winner of the white jersey. The young rider classification for the first stage of this year’s tour. FRENCH COMMENTATOR Originally from Charleroi, Dardonne made a strong impression today in his first stage in Ireland. ITALIAN COMMENTATOR As to be expected, Tartare Marino wins the yellow jersey for today’s best time. TARTARE MARINO Hey, where’s Settosa? Where’s Settosa? VIKING Big congratulations to Tartare! TARTARE MARINO Thank you very much. Thank you. VIKING Bravo! Bravo Dardonne for the white jersey. KIWI Good on ya mate! TARTARE MARINO Guys, I want to say something. I want to say something straight from my heart. TARTARE MARINO Great teams work like TARTARE MARINO like machines. You know, you’ve got all different parts and they work alone. But it’s better all together as one. TARTARE MARINO And today we showed that we’re a great team! TARTARE MARINO Let me finish, let me finish. And you are my family. I mean it. All of you. And, Kiwi… TARTARE MARINO you’re my little sister. My sister. And to win TARTARE MARINO I need you. I need you. I need all of you. TARTARE MARINO But Dom… TARTARE MARINO Thank you. Thank you for everything. TARTARE MARINO You’re the great domestique, the best lead out man on the road. TARTARE MARINO So to Dom. Back where he belongs! KIWI Good on you mate! To Dom, yeah. VIKING Dom, cheers. TARTARE MARINO Thank you. You’re the best. VIKING Dom. DOM CHABOL Sonny, the guys you rode with back in the 70s. What do they do now? SONNY MCELHONE Well, lemme see. You know what happened to Jacamo? He landed on his feet, the jammy bastard. Marco B, he became a sports coach in his home town. Who else was there? Jannis. Ah no Eddie… What’s his name? No, no, Jeff or some… DOM CHABOL Eddie de Cavort. SONNY MCELHONE Aye. De Cavort. He became a taxi driver man. Owns his own business now by the way. SONNY MCELHONE Yeah, some didn’t make it. Johannes, Drier, Bert, Uster, Bosh. Went to bed and never woke up. SONNY MCELHONE Right. Over you go. I’ll finish SONNY MCELHONE you off so to speak. DOM CHABOL What about you Sonny? You still happy here at Estrange? SONNY MCELHONE Well, I don’t know about Estrange, but I love this circus. I SONNY MCELHONE fucking love it. SONNY MCELHONE I couldn’t do anything else anyway. My heart was fucked. Doctors SONNY MCELHONE advised me to pack it in. SONNY MCELHONE I didn’t mind. I’d had enough. Enough of the bike that is. DOM CHABOL And then? SONNY MCELHONE Well you know Bonheur? DOM CHABOL The Director of Sportif of Settosa? SONNY MCELHONE Aye. One day he gave me a box of oil and tells me to rub down one of the guys. SONNY MCELHONE And I’ve been doing that ever since. Happy as a pig in shite. LUC BONHEUR Dom? DOM CHABOL Aah. DOM CHABOL Luc, how are you? Doing OK? LUC BONHEUR Nice to see you. DOM CHABOL Everything OK? LUC BONHEUR Yeah, yeah. DOM CHABOL You look good. LUC BONHEUR Oui. DOM CHABOL Sit down. Do you want something? LUC BONHEUR No, I don’t have much time. DOM CHABOL DOM CHABOL How are things with you guys? LUC BONHEUR Really good. Tell me, Dom… I haven’t seen you since Drago was disqualified from the Tour last year. DOM CHABOL Well… I don’t know what his problem is. LUC BONHEUR I know. You got him disqualified. DOM CHABOL He threw his water bottle at me. LUC BONHEUR You boxed him in. DOM CHABOL I protect my sprinter. I moved right and blocked him. I didn’t know he was there. LUC BONHEUR Just kidding. We both know what sprinters are like. DOM CHABOL Idiot. You had me worried. You bastard. Damn you! LUC BONHEUR You’ll never believe this. Guess who I saw last week in Antwerp. DOM CHABOL Who? LUC BONHEUR Our former team member, Jenssens. DOM CHABOL Antoine? LUC BONHEUR Antoine. DOM CHABOL Tell me, I heard he’s as fat as a pig now. LUC BONHEUR Mhm. He works in a karaoke bar, he’s a barman. LUC BONHEUR If a customer asks him to sing, he sings. DOM CHABOL How does he sing? LUC BONHEUR Out of tune. LUC BONHEUR No, he has the words there, karaoke. LUC BONHEUR How is Viking doing? LUC BONHEUR Has he cracked a smile yet? DOM CHABOL No. Viking never smiles. LUC BONHEUR Yeah, that’s true. DOM CHABOL So look… DOM CHABOL I wanted to talk to you because… You gave me my first contract. LUC BONHEUR Yes, I remember. DOM CHABOL Yeah. And… I have the feeling that now is the time to come back to Settosa. DOM CHABOL I’m in good shape. I’ve trained like crazy, day and night. I’ve taken care of myself. The Classics were good. LUC BONHEUR And your contract with Austrange? DOM CHABOL Haven’t signed yet. LUC BONHEUR You haven’t signed yet? DOM CHABOL No. LUC BONHEUR But I have a full squad for next year. DOM CHABOL Already? LUC BONHEUR Of course already. DOM CHABOL It’s just that Sonny told me you might have a place. LUC BONHEUR Ah, yeah… Yeah. I have the Tour of Turkey. DOM CHABOL What’s that? LUC BONHEUR Lars Boltz and I are setting up an exhibition race. LUC BONHEUR Turkey is nice. DOM CHABOL Tour of Turkey… DOM CHABOL Fuck. SONNY MCELHONE Two minutes in, two minutes out. SONNY MCELHONE Do you want me to get that? DOM CHABOL No, it’s probably DOM CHABOL Tar or my sister. Leave it. SONNY MCELHONE What is this, Glasgow Central? SONNY MCELHONE Oh hello. DR LYNN BRENNAN Is Dom there? DR LYNN BRENNAN We had an arrangement to meet in the bar at 8. SONNY MCELHONE Just… gimme a wee second there. SONNY MCELHONE That young doctor. SONNY MCELHONE Did you arrange to meet her? DOM CHABOL Yeah, I forgot. SONNY MCELHONE No bother. SONNY MCELHONE Aye, he’s er SONNY MCELHONE he’s coming now. DOM CHABOL Sorry. DOM CHABOL I told Sonny to come down and tell you that I was gonna be late. DOM CHABOL ‘Cause of the race and… SONNY MCELHONE Slipped my mind. The madness of the first day and everything. I’m sorry. DOM CHABOL You wanna come in? SONNY MCELHONE Isn’t this lovely? I’ll see you later, okay? DOM CHABOL Yeah, I’m really sorry. DOM CHABOL Erm… DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DOM CHABOL How was your first day on the Tour? DR LYNN BRENNAN Well, my medical training DR LYNN BRENNAN wasn’t exactly put to the test. DR LYNN BRENNAN Zero action. Praying for a big pile up tomorrow. Lots of nasty gashes and concussions so I can get my hands dirty. DOM CHABOL Erm I’ll see what I can do to help. DR LYNN BRENNAN What’s with all the ice? DR LYNN BRENNAN I mean, I can’t believe it. Here I am on work placement with the Tour de France and I get to stay in a hotel. What a buzz. DR LYNN BRENNAN And I tell you what. I am fucking lucky to be doing that rather than interning at some shitty hospital. DR LYNN BRENNAN I mean, to my mind, to do anything well, I mean to be really fucking good at it DR LYNN BRENNAN you’ve got to feel it. Especially DR LYNN BRENNAN when you’re dealing with people’s lives. DOM CHABOL Yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN I mean it must be the same with you guys, all or nothing. How long have you been cycling? DOM CHABOL Yeah, oh… Since DOM CHABOL I could walk. Been DOM CHABOL competing for erm for 25 years. DOM CHABOL Yeah. That’s probably longer - DOM CHABOL than you’ve been alive. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well, I wasn’t gonna say that, but erm but yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well, I mean you must have been to DR LYNN BRENNAN some amazing places. Seen some incredible sights. DOM CHABOL Seen a lot of bad hotels and a lot of macadam. DR LYNN BRENNAN Do you mean tarmacadam? DOM CHABOL Yeah, macadam. DOM CHABOL Uh, you know, I’ve probably raced on every continent in the world. Like DOM CHABOL I go to Rome for a race and then you know, we’re in the city and I’m there with 150 other guys on a bike. And all I see is men’s asses. DR LYNN BRENNAN Well, I can think of worse things to be looking at. DOM CHABOL Hello? TARTARE MARINO Dom… DOM CHABOL Tartare. Yeah, no, no, relax. Relax. DOM CHABOL Yeah. Breathe. Breathe Tar. DOM CHABOL I’ll be there in five minutes. Okay, yeah, bye. DR LYNN BRENNAN He does not sound very happy. DOM CHABOL No, he’s erm… That’s my lead rider and he’s a bit… erm… Look, do you wanna stay here? I’ll be back in five minutes. Okay, so… TARTARE MARINO …second time. No, I promise you, I cannot. I stop. I fucking stop. DOM CHABOL Tar. Every single night you get this. You know the routine, can you just please think about it. Just put your… TARTARE MARINO Yeah, but why? Why? Why am I doing this? Why? He asked me? DOM CHABOL Crazy. Jesus Christ. Okay… That’s good, that’s good, that’s good. DR LYNN BRENNAN Dom? Dom! DR LYNN BRENNAN Dom. Dom! DR LYNN BRENNAN Wake up. DR LYNN BRENNAN I don’t know, he can’t catch his breath. SONNY MCELHONE Jesus! We need to get him moving. DR LYNN BRENNAN I’ll call an ambulance. SONNY MCELHONE Come on, up you come. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay… SONNY MCELHONE Come here! Come here! SONNY MCELHONE Keep walking him up and down. I’ll be back in a sec. Keep walking him! DR LYNN BRENNAN Hey, hey. Dom, Dom. DR LYNN BRENNAN It’s okay. It’s okay, just walk. Walk. Just keep walking. Here we go. DR LYNN BRENNAN Just keep walking. Just keep walking. Dom! Dom! Come on. Come on! SONNY MCELHONE Right, here we go. DR LYNN BRENNAN What are you doing?! Fuck! Dom, Dom… What are you doing with that Sonny? What’s going on?! Okay DR LYNN BRENNAN Dom… DR LYNN BRENNAN Dom? Hey, Dom? SONNY MCELHONE Alright big man. You know the drill. Come on, up ya come! SONNY MCELHONE Unless you wanna die in some grubby hotel on the arse end of… DR LYNN BRENNAN What are you trying to do with him?! SONNY MCELHONE Just get him on the bike! DR LYNN BRENNAN No, no. He’s got to go to the fucking hospital! SONNY MCELHONE Do as I ask! DR LYNN BRENNAN God! SONNY MCELHONE After three. DR LYNN BRENNAN What?! SONNY MCELHONE Help me with his leg. 1, 2, 3… Uh… DR LYNN BRENNAN No, no, no. He needs to go to fucking hospital. Okay… SONNY MCELHONE That’s it. Come on Dom. Now push down. That’s it. Push down. Come on now. DR LYNN BRENNAN Are you okay Dom? SONNY MCELHONE Push down, that’s it son. Where’s his monitor? DR LYNN BRENNAN Huh? SONNY MCELHONE His heart monitor! Where is it? DR LYNN BRENNAN It’s in the bathroom. SONNY MCELHONE Get it! DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. SONNY MCELHONE That’s it Dom. That’s it. You’re doing good. You’re doing great. Come on son. SONNY MCELHONE Help me put it on him eh? SONNY MCELHONE Give it to me. Come on Dom. Keep going. Keep going. DR LYNN BRENNAN This is insane. SONNY MCELHONE That’s it, keep going. DR LYNN BRENNAN He’s on something isn’t he? SONNY MCELHONE You’re coming up Dom! You’re coming up. DR LYNN BRENNAN I can’t watch this. I’m calling an ambulance. SONNY MCELHONE I’ve got this from here darling. SONNY MCELHONE That’s it Dom. Come on now. Keep going. SONNY MCELHONE 37. SONNY MCELHONE 38. SONNY MCELHONE 39. SONNY MCELHONE Come on now, push down. SONNY MCELHONE That’s it Dom, you’re, you’re doing great. Come on son. Come on. SONNY MCELHONE Alright big man? DOM CHABOL Lynn. Listen, about last night - DOM CHABOL I’m just, please, I’ll try and explain. DR LYNN BRENNAN You don’t need to explain anything to me. DR LYNN BRENNAN I’ve actually learned quite a lot in the last DR LYNN BRENNAN few hours and realised you guys are all off your heads on EPO. DR LYNN BRENNAN EPO. You might as well be putting fucking glue in your veins. It’s DR LYNN BRENNAN amazing you ever wake up. How DR LYNN BRENNAN do you think that made me feel? As a doctor? DR LYNN BRENNAN Do you know what I cannot wrap my head around is DR LYNN BRENNAN why risk your life like that. DOM CHABOL Everybody does it! DR LYNN BRENNAN You’re not even allowed to win, Dom. DR LYNN BRENNAN You’re a professional loser. DR LYNN BRENNAN Professional fucking loser! DOM CHABOL I don’t blame her. It’s like being on a date with somebody that shits themselves. DOM CHABOL I didn’t shit myself did I? SONNY MCELHONE No. No you didn’t shit yourself. Dom, that was a close fucking call. If it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t have forgotten to wear your monitor. The team needs your focus now. Nothing to distract ya. LIONEL DARDONNE Dom! Sonny! LIONEL DARDONNE Did you hear? They arrested Settosa’s soigneur at the border. SONNY MCELHONE Who? Manni Torche? LIONEL DARDONNE Yes. LIONEL DARDONNE His car was loaded with enough EPO for every team on the Tour. LIONEL DARDONNE Can you believe it? LIONEL DARDONNE What an idiot! SONNY MCELHONE We need to get you watered down. NEWS REPORTER The Settosa team car was stopped and searched by French police at a border crossing in the early hours of this morning. NEWS REPORTER Authorities say the haul of 160 capsules of testosterone - NEWS REPORTER 82 vials of human growth hormone and NEWS REPORTER 234 doses of EPO was unlikely for NEWS REPORTER personal consumption. As a result, the UCI will now carry out random mandatory drug testing before every stage. SONNY MCELHONE Keep munching those pills and drinking that water. JEAN MARIE LEBLANC This decision is very important to us. We hope it has a positive outcome. SONNY MCELHONE What the… TARTARE MARINO Who’s this? SONNY MCELHONE Alright, alright. I’m coming! VIKING There’s a doctor from the UCI downstairs. VIKING He wants to test some of the team. SONNY MCELHONE Okay, stall him as long as you can. VIKING Sonny, we’d better be okay. KIWI What is it mate?! SONNY MCELHONE Uci are downstairs. DOM CHABOL They’re here now?! Fuck! SONNY MCELHONE Come on, get that stuff into ya. NEWS REPORTER …meanwhile a team soigneur and doctor NEWS REPORTER have been suspended and charged with drug offences. DOM CHABOL How’s it look? SONNY MCELHONE Still over 50%. SONNY MCELHONE Kiwi, you’re fine. SONNY MCELHONE You two won’t pass. DR. FOEGOL Come in please. SONNY MCELHONE Do you see who I see? DR. FOEGOL Hello gentlemen. DR. FOEGOL My name s Dr Dirk Foegol. DR. FOEGOL I’m here officially on the 12th of July DR. FOEGOL 1998 at the behest of the Union Of Cyclists DR. FOEGOL International Blood Screening Programme. We are here to perform mandatory random DR. FOEGOL testing for banned substances. This will DR. FOEGOL entail extracting blood samples from three members of team Austrange. TARTARE MARINO Fucking vampires! DR. FOEGOL The competitors who have been DR. FOEGOL randomly selected for testing here today DR. FOEGOL are… DR. FOEGOL Mr Lionel Dardonne. DR. FOEGOL Make your way to the testing table. DR. FOEGOL Mr Erik Schultz. DR. FOEGOL And finally Mr Dominic Chabol. DR. FOEGOL Mr Chabol are you here? DOM CHABOL Yes. DR. FOEGOL Thank you Mr Chabol. If you could please approach the testing table. LIONEL DARDONNE Thank you. DR. FOEGOL Thank you Mr Dardonne. DR LYNN BRENNAN Thank you. ERIK SCHULTZ You’re welcome. DR. FOEGOL Thank you Mr Schultz. DR LYNN BRENNAN Arm please. DOM CHABOL You said you’d be helping us if we’d fall off our bikes. DR LYNN BRENNAN He’s the boss. I do what he asks. DR LYNN BRENNAN Hold out your arm please? DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DR. FOEGOL DR LYNN BRENNAN Shit! Oh my god! DR LYNN BRENNAN I’m so sorry. Should I… DR. FOEGOL Just leave it. Prepare another sample. DR LYNN BRENNAN Okay. DR. FOEGOL Mr Chabol. VIKING Foegol. VIKING One rider, one sample. Your rules. DR. FOEGOL He’s correct. DR. FOEGOL Each rider is obliged to provide only one sample. VIKING Let’s go Dom. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR This is the steepest climb of the Irish leg of the tour, with only 50 kilometres to go, the gradient has split the peloton. Team Austrange at its head, protecting yellow jersey winner Tartare Marino as they make the climb up the Wicklow gap. DOM CHABOL How are you, okay? TARTARE MARINO Dom. My friend. TARTARE MARINO You need to help me. I need to make pee pee. DOM CHABOL Now? TARTARE MARINO Yeah, now. DOM CHABOL Kiwi… KIWI Yeah, coming. TARTARE MARINO Help me, okay? Aaah. KIWI He’s pissing like a bloody racehorse! IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Great to see the fans out here today. Some of them in IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR fancy dress. And keenly watching IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR and waiting to see who will break away and take this second stage. VIKING What the fuck? Sonny, Sonny catch up with Dom! SONNY MCELHONE Alright, will do. LIONEL DARDONNE I’m shattered. VIKING Dom! What’s with Dardonne? DOM CHABOL What? VIKING He’s bonking back there! DOM CHABOL Who? VIKING Dardonne! He’s, he’s like a fucking donkey! DOM CHABOL I’ll go check. DOM CHABOL Are you OK? LIONEL DARDONNE I’m shattered. What a fucking awful route. DOM CHABOL Go on, go on. Want a drink? LIONEL DARDONNE No. Yes. TARTARE MARINO Dom! Leave him alone! You should be here right now! Dom! DOM CHABOL There’s an attack. Let’s go. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR It’s an attack from Stefano Drago of Settosa. He’s determined to redeem himself after last year’s disqualification. VIKING Dom, it’s an attack! Dom! IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Austrange have got some work to do to catch him on the downhill slope. ANNOUNCER Ladies and gentlemen, from Luxembourg, Stefano Drago! TARTARE MARINO You fucking piece of shit. You shit, you think about yourself! What the fuck are you doing? You piece of shit. You piece of shit. I lost because of you. And it’s about the victory of the team. About my victory. DOM CHABOL Calm the fuck down, he had a bad day! TARTARE MARINO Where were you? I didn’t see you. I lost 50 seconds because of you. You left me with the . Where were you? DOM CHABOL didn’t see you okay? That’s all… TARTARE MARINO You didn’t see me? DOM CHABOL No. TARTARE MARINO Then you go to the doctor and gets eyes tested. Fuck you. Up yours! VIKING Okay, let’s go. Let’s go. TARTARE MARINO No, we need to resolve this. And because of Stevie Wonder here, I lost 50 seconds! VIKING Get in the fucking bus! TARTARE MARINO Fucking Stevie Wonder! DOM CHABOL It’s okay, it’s okay. LIONEL DARDONNE 164th out of 164. And I had a hard time finishing. What’s my problem, Dom? What is it? I was doing fine and now I can’t even keep up. I… I can’t go on like this. I can’t. What am I going to do? What? LIONEL DARDONNE No, I don’t want to. LIONEL DARDONNE No, I don’t want to. No, I’m not fucking doing it! LIONEL DARDONNE What a jerk! DOM CHABOL Lio. LIONEL DARDONNE No. DOM CHABOL Lio, wait. DOM CHABOL Lio. LIONEL DARDONNE So, that’s how it works? LIONEL DARDONNE I have to join the “programme”. Is that it? Is that it? LIONEL DARDONNE So you too? LIONEL DARDONNE Hm? DOM CHABOL That’s how it is. LIONEL DARDONNE Dom… OK, fine. LIONEL DARDONNE You can tell Sonny from me, I prefer losing clean to winning doped-up. LIONEL DARDONNE OK? DOM CHABOL Sonny? Sonny! DOM CHABOL Sonny! Hey! Hey, Sonny! DOM CHABOL Sonny, hey! Goddammit. DOM CHABOL Okay, breathing. Okay, okay, okay. You’re okay. DOM CHABOL Shit! DOM CHABOL Yes, emergency. There’s a man on the floor. Yes, he’s breathing. I’m calling from the Slaney Hotel. DOM CHABOL Lynn! Lynn, it’s Dom. Please open up. Lynn. Er it’s Sonny. Sorry to bother you. He’s on the floor. He’s DOM CHABOL sick. I don’t know why. I think it’s his heart. DR LYNN BRENNAN Did you call an ambulance? DOM CHABOL Yeah, yeah, they’re on their way. DR LYNN BRENNAN Sonny? Hey? DR LYNN BRENNAN Get some aspirin. DOM CHABOL What? DR LYNN BRENNAN Aspirin! Surely you have aspirin? You have every other fucking drug! DOM CHABOL I’ve just known him for such a long time. DR LYNN BRENNAN How long? DOM CHABOL 13, 14 years. DOM CHABOL You know he’s given up everything for cycling. His DOM CHABOL family, his friends. He’s so passionate about it. DOM CHABOL Like erm I was riding up L’Alp d’Huez this one time in the tour and DOM CHABOL I’m in so much pain. Like uh DOM CHABOL and team car pulls up to me. DOM CHABOL And Sonny pops out his head and he gives me a sandwich DOM CHABOL and I take out the sandwich and DOM CHABOL it’s, it’s wrapped in a porno mag. DOM CHABOL And, and just for this one second DOM CHABOL I forget about the pain. DOM CHABOL And he knows me so well, you know? DOM CHABOL How is he? Can I go in? DR FRISIUM There’s not much more we can do. DOM CHABOL Thank you Doctor. DOM CHABOL Er… He’s… yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN You go. DR LYNN BRENNAN I’ll see ya back at the hotel. DOM CHABOL Alright big man. DOM CHABOL Thank you. VIKING I’m so sorry Dom. I know you guys were close. He always said you’d do something special. VIKING You remember that time in Grenoble years ago? That time you came close to winning the stage? VIKING He was hanging out the team car window, screaming and banging on the door during the race. VIKING He was heartbroken when you lost. VIKING I had to get the car doors fixed after that race. Cost me a fucking fortune. DR LYNN BRENNAN Is that for Sonny? DOM CHABOL Yeah. DR LYNN BRENNAN Hey. DR LYNN BRENNAN Got ya something. DOM CHABOL What’s that? DR LYNN BRENNAN Open it. DR LYNN BRENNAN It’s a little mini you. TARTARE MARINO No, no, no, he’s like James Dean. You know James Dean? That’s you. From me, that’s you. DR LYNN BRENNAN The batteries are in the saddle bags. It’s his er, it’s his EPO stash. TARTARE MARINO Hey Dom. TARTARE MARINO Sorry to break up your little party. I TARTARE MARINO need to talk to you. It’s important, it’s about today. DR LYNN BRENNAN Actually, we’re in the middle of something. TARTARE MARINO I’m sorry, who are you? Oh wait, yes I know you. TARTARE MARINO You’re the doctor, no the vampire lady. TARTARE MARINO Ooh what’s going on? Dom TARTARE MARINO are you with the enemy now hm? DR LYNN BRENNAN The enemy? TARTARE MARINO Excuse me. Do you love him? TARTARE MARINO I mean, do you love this guy? ‘Cause I’m gonna tell you this. A lot of women they love riders. We got women everywhere. So don’t let this Casanova TARTARE MARINO break your balls. TARTARE MARINO You remember the time that we fucked that same lady Dom? TARTARE MARINO Hm? TARTARE MARINO I mean not together. I was first TARTARE MARINO but we did. DOM CHABOL That’s enough Tar. TARTARE MARINO It was a small race in a TARTARE MARINO small town. It was a nice lady. Like a TARTARE MARINO big nice lady, you know. TARTARE MARINO I wink. She smiles. TARTARE MARINO We make like eye contact and it keeps on going, lap after lap. DOM CHABOL Tar. TARTARE MARINO Lap 50 TARTARE MARINO I thought there was one button open here. TARTARE MARINO At 51 there was another button open. I saw like a small titty coming out. TARTARE MARINO I was going crazy, you know? Lap 60 TARTARE MARINO I was way out in front. So think oh, let’s do something. I was alone. So I will stop beside her. We went behind some bush and I fucked her. And guess what? TARTARE MARINO I still managed to win the race! What do you say to that? DR LYNN BRENNAN You mustn’t last very long. DR LYNN BRENNAN Now why don’t you just DR LYNN BRENNAN fuck off! TARTARE MARINO Dom, for God’s sake, are you going to let this whore speak to me like this? TARTARE MARINO You fucking cunt. DOM CHABOL Is your hand okay? DR LYNN BRENNAN Such a prink. I don’t know how you put up with him. DR LYNN BRENNAN What’s that one from? DOM CHABOL Erm that was in the La Vuelta 1994. I smashed my shoulder. DR LYNN BRENNAN Uh huh. And this one? What’s that from? DOM CHABOL Er reconstructed my shoulder blade after a fall in the descent… DR LYNN BRENNAN And that? DOM CHABOL Er sprint in the Giro. DOM CHABOL I have another scar here. DOM CHABOL It’s from 78 at Antwerp. It’s erm… DR LYNN BRENNAN That’s your appendix. I did study medicine. DR LYNN BRENNAN You really need to start looking after yourself Dom. DR LYNN BRENNAN Get out of this fucking circus! DOM CHABOL Lynn, I’m a domestique, okay? DOM CHABOL That’s what I do. Without a bike DOM CHABOL I’m nobody. DOM CHABOL I’m fucking nobody. DR LYNN BRENNAN Do you want me to get that? DOM CHABOL No, it’s er… probably my sister. My father died four days ago and she was call me. DR LYNN BRENNAN Oh my god! Dom, why didn’t you say? DOM CHABOL ‘Cause… DOM CHABOL I haven’t spoken to my father in many years and not to my mother either. And it’s not like we had a bad relationship or anything. It’s just that… DOM CHABOL It’s not like your family you know? Like everybody goes to the pub together and tells their stories. And they’re all together and you’re all having fun. It’s DOM CHABOL it’s not like that with us. So my sister, she calls me when we land here in Ireland. And she says, “Dad’s dead. You gotta come to the funeral.” I’m like, but… DR LYNN BRENNAN Aren’t you going? DR LYNN BRENNAN He’s your father, Dom. DR LYNN BRENNAN You need to go home. DOM CHABOL Are you going? DR LYNN BRENNAN Yep. DR LYNN BRENNAN I, I need to go. DOM CHABOL Lynn… DOM CHABOL That blood sample. Did you drop it on purpose? TARTARE MARINO I’m sorry. It was wrong what I did, what I say, I… TARTARE MARINO You know how I am under pressure, no? TARTARE MARINO Are you okay? DOM CHABOL Made these armbands, you know, as a memory to Sonny. Maybe you can wear one during the race like this? TARTARE MARINO Give it to me. RACE COMMISSAR Excuse me. Sorry, sir! RACE COMMISSAR Sir. You can’t wear that RACE COMMISSAR without prior permission of the Tour de France Executive Committee. DOM CHABOL Yeah, our Soigneur died yesterday, so I’d like to wear it as a tribute. Is that okay? RACE COMMISSAR I am sorry about your soigneur RACE COMMISSAR but we can’t allow teams to change uniforms without… DOM CHABOL Viking! DOM CHABOL Viking! VIKING What is it Dom? DOM CHABOL Listen, there’s a problem with the armband. DOM CHABOL It’s just an armband. Come on. VIKING What’s the problem? DOM CHABOL He’s making a problem of the armband. VIKING Well what happened? RACE COMMISSAR Unless I receive official clearance, there is no way anyone can wear armbands in any capacity. Your team could RACE COMMISSAR face disqualification. DOM CHABOL It’s just a fucking armband! VIKING What if he wears it underneath his jersey as a compromise? RACE COMMISSAR That could work. ANNOUNCER Madame et monsieur.. DOM CHABOL What? Under? VIKING It’s the fucking Tour de France, Dom! ANNOUNCER Our riders are ready. Let’s start the countdown. 5… 4… 3… 2… 1… Go! DOM CHABOL Stupid French arsehole. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR The peloton departs Enniscorthy on the IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR 200th anniversary of the 1798 rebellion in the final Irish stage of this year’s Tour de France. FRENCH RACE COMMENTATOR This is not the most difficult stage but it is one of the fastest. It requires extreme focus, especially in the bends. DOM CHABOL Come on, Lio. SETTOSA RIDER Let’s go. Go! IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR And Settosa have attacked, making a break from the peloton. And oh my goodness, Stefano Drago has just crashed. What a IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR disaster for the current yellow jersey holder, Stefano Drago. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Oh a spectator has run onto the road, causing utter chaos. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Four riders left in this incredible stage. Headed up by Dom Chabol. Tartare pulling up at the rear. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Chabol glances around to make way for Tartare to sprint over the line. TARTARE MARINO Don’t fuck with me Dom! IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR But what’s happening? I’ve never seen anything like this. Chabol IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR is actually racing against his own team leader. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR Oh and Chabol wins a stage for the first time… DOM CHABOL Argh! ANNOUNCER Dominique Chabol wins the yellow jersey! TARTARE MARINO Fuck you. TARTARE MARINO Dirty bastard. IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR And after an amazing stage win, donning the Maillot Jaune – the yellow jersey for the first time in his long and illustrious career as IRISH RACE COMMENTATOR a domestique, Dom Chabol revels in the glory of the winners podium. Sporting a black armband in memory of his soigneur, Sonny McElhone, who unfortunately died of a heart attack yesterday, Sonny an ex-rider himself will be sorely missed by team Austrange. But today it’s all about Chabol and his extraordinary victory over his own team leader. DOM CHABOL Emilie? Yeah, it’s me. DOM CHABOL I’m going home. VIKING What? DOM CHABOL I’m out. VIKING Why? VIKING This is about you and Tartare? VIKING All families have their ups and downs. VIKING Don’t quit on me now. VIKING You won a fucking stage. DOM CHABOL I have a taxi waiting. VIKING Dom, Dom, Dom, talk to me. VIKING I was gonna renew your contract. Take VIKING you past your 40th birthday. Not many riders get that kind of security my friend. VIKING Not at your age. Have a think about it. TARTARE MARINO Dom, wait. TARTARE MARINO Dom, wait. Wait, Dom. TARTARE MARINO You won. You won the yellow jersey, no? Well done, congratulations. TARTARE MARINO We are a great team you and me, no? We’re the best, simply the best. Like TARTARE MARINO the song. TARTARE MARINO I can’t go on the bus without you. DOM CHABOL I gotta go home. TARTARE MARINO What do you mean, go home? TARTARE MARINO To do what? Like, are you gonna work in a bar? Drive a taxi TARTARE MARINO like that guy? TARTARE MARINO Let’s go to France. TARTARE MARINO I’m fucking sick of this Irish place and the shit coffee. Let’s go to France and win. Let’s win together. My friend. TARTARE MARINO I love you.