ANDY ARTIE BEN BLAINE CLARA FEMALE_REPORTER FREDDIE GUS JACK KURT MAGGIE MAN MARTY MERCEDES MOTHER NURSE RACHEL RORIC SAM SANTANA WOMAN BLAINE So here's what you missed on Glee. Rachel's a hit in Funny Girl on Broadway, but she's on thin ice because she lied to producers and missed a performance. Mercedes is finishing her album with a duet with Santana and Blaine's getting wooed by a rich society dame who's dying to showcase his talent. KURT I'm a little jealous, but I'm not resentful. BLAINE And all Kurt's got is NYADA and the diner and his precious collection of neckerchiefs. And that's what you missed on Glee. KURT Hey, do any of you guys want to catch a matinee tomorrow? I have a late shift at the diner and I know Funny Girl is dark. SANTANA Uh, "dark" as in there are no performances, or "dark" as in it's kind of a downer. RACHEL Oh, my word. BLAINE I'm sorry, I-I would love to go, but June's got me taken up with dinners and rehearsals... SANTANA Yeah, I know, count me out-- I'm gonna be in the recording studio all day. RACHEL This is terrible-- look what I just found on Broadwaybuzzard.com. SANTANA I'll take that. "Blind Item! Liar, Liar Fanny on Fire! RACHEL Shh. SANTANA "What Broadway starlet has been calling in sick while secretly pursuing other job opportunities? Unnamed sources say producers are none too happy with the burgeoning diva's shenanigans, and wager that this starlet will burn out faster than you can say 'Milwaukee Dinner Theatre in the Round!'" RACHEL I missed one show. BLAINE Rachel, you should actually be glad that they don't know you're seriously considering leaving your show to do a TV pilot. RACHEL This is terrible, okay? I cannot be branded a problem child this early in my career. I-I might be ambitious, but I'm not a bad person. SANTANA You can't expect total strangers to know exactly who you are. I mean, look at Angelina Jolie-- she used to be that girl with the vial of blood around her neck who liked kissing her brother, and now she's Mother Earth. RACHEL How'd she do it? SANTANA Two things-- publicist and a cause. BLAINE She can't afford a publicist. RACHEL And I've always been my cause. KURT Inside voice, honey. RACHEL Sorry. SANTANA Well, you don't need a publicist when you've got Snixx on your side. If there's one thing I know about, it's cultivating an image. In high school, I was a huge bitch, but also most popular. I was voted Best Shoulder to Cry On and Most Likely to Poison Someone. RACHEL Excuse me. Excuse me, miss, I know that you have a dog in your purse. WOMAN It's a... service animal. RACHEL I would seriously think that zipping a Seeing Eye dog in your bag would hinder it from doing its job. You know, there are so many dogs out there that need good homes, and you're just treating it like some fashion accessory? You should be ashamed of yourself! WOMAN Screw you... PETA. RACHEL God, people are just unbelievable. I think I just found my cause. KURT Can I get you a menu? MAGGIE I was wondering if your boss would mind putting up a poster. Uh, tell him if he decides not to, that I'm gonna accuse him of elder abuse. KURT Uh, "The Lexington Home for Retired Performers presents Peter Pan." MAGGIE Yeah, we thought we'd take a shot at it. Well, in case NBC casts Clay Aiken and it's ruined for good. KURT You know, I won't even ask him; I'll put it up in the window. MAGGIE Hey, Pillsbury, why the long face? You look like the saddest dough boy in the world. KURT Oh, I wouldn't want to bother you with any of my problems. I usually just file it all away, and then wait for an episode of Long Island Medium to let it all out. MAGGIE Are you sure? KURT It's like everyone in my life has moved on to something except for me. When did I become the mother in a Nancy Meyers movie? I mean, all they need me for is to remind them how talented and beautiful they are-- it's like they don't care. MAGGIE I care. KURT I can't tell you how nice it is to talk to someone without them texting in the middle of the conversation. MAGGIE Oh, I know exactly how you feel. Most of my friends can't hear. KURT Mm. I'm Kurt, by the way. MAGGIE Maggie Banks. KURT Wait a second. D-Did I just have a therapy session with-with the Maggie Banks, the-the Broadway legend? You were in one of the biggest Broadway flops in history. MAGGIE Well, in my defense, Helen Keller the Musical was the talk of the town. "She can't hear or see, but she has a voice of gold." Now, that was a tagline. Looks like my ride is here. How did you boys find me so fast? JACK You dropped a couple posters, Maggie-- we're just following the trail. BEN Yeah, 18 blocks-- it's a new record. MAGGIE Well, someone has to advertise. It was nice to talk to you, Pillsbury. KURT You, too. MAGGIE And if you don't have any plans-- and it would seem that you don't-- come and visit us in rehearsal. KURT I would love to, Maggie. Thanks. MAGGIE Good. See ya. KURT See ya. MAGGIE Okay, guys. Can I drive today? RACHEL So they really just stay in these cages all day? RORIC Oh, no, we give them five walks a day. We take them to a dog run for two hours of exercise every other day-- we really do our best, given the limited funding that we have. You got to remember, these are rescue dogs, you know? Most of these dogs have been living on the streets, or they were abandoned, abused... RACHEL Oh... MERCEDES So... you know, what happens to them eventually? RORIC Well, it depends on how old they are, really. We try to get as many of them adopted as we can, but when we can't, not much choice. You know, it's... it's the worst part of my job. RACHEL Well, that's why we're here, actually. We want to arrange a very public a-and great event for a cause that we are so passionate about animals. RORIC Yeah, you said something about Broadway? RACHEL Yes. I am starring currently in the acclaimed Broadway revival of Funny Girl. I don't know if you've seen it. RORIC I don't really get into the city much. I'm not a Broadway guy. But I liked Cats. RACHEL Okay, well, it doesn't really matter, you know-- we just want to spearhead a benefit, guided towards the Broadway community-- aka me... RORIC I got it, I got it. RACHEL Okay, well, you know, we'll take care of everything, um... RORIC Okay. That's great. RACHEL Really? RORIC Yeah, I'm in for sure. RACHEL Yeah? RORIC I'm in. Yeah. I'll get the information together; let's do it. RACHEL Okay. Amazing. Thank you. SAM We love you. MERCEDES Hi. SAM We should get one. Look at you. Ooh. MERCEDES Oh, no. Sam, I love animals, but I got my hands full taking care of you. You're more than enough. RORIC Uh, well, this happens sometimes. Uh, it's no big deal. When they get like this, I pipe music in through the P.A. system, but it's all busted now, so... SAM Today's your lucky day-- I just read John Mayer's bio, and he said you always have to have your guitar 80% of the time. SANTANA I've got it. I have got the perfect plan for how to get this thing off the ground. Later today, you are going to take a couple of dogs for a walk around the block, where paparazzi will be conveniently waiting. You're gonna get snapped, give a quote, bam, Broadway Bitches is off and running. And I also snagged you this designer number by a designer that is so fancy, I can't even pronounce his name. There's hardly any vowels in it. And if you wear it and get photographed in it, you get to keep it for free. RACHEL But how do we know that they'll be there? SANTANA I made a couple of calls and I tweeted from your account, and I used hashtag "living," so everyone sees it. RACHEL Oh, perfect. Oh, my God, Kurt! I have the best news that I've been wanting to tell you about. KURT Is Liza off her meds, running around Central Park again? RACHEL I'm starting a dog-rescue charity! And Santana and Mercedes and I are doing a performance. It's gonna be great. KURT Oh, could I perform, too? I-I've been itching to do something outside of school. One Three Hill's been on a hiatus ever since Elliot went to his yoga retreat and Dani's Roller Derby team became state champions. RACHEL I-I... I think we're just gonna keep it us girls. We don't want the event to be, like... KURT Amateur open mic night? SANTANA No, no, no, Kurt. This is not personal, okay? This is about Rachel and her image. And you are so good that you would just be pulling focus from her. KURT No, I-I get it. I get that I haven't exactly made a name for myself like the rest of you have, but... gosh, you'd just think after everything, someone would throw me a bone for once. RACHEL Kurt, wait. MAGGIE All right, boys, I don't want... MAGGIE I'll leave the window unlocked. That strange boy may come looking for his shadow. Oh, Pillsbury, you made it! KURT I hope I'm not interrupting anything. MAGGIE Sit down. Take in the magic! ANDY Debbie, it's your... it's your cue. MAGGIE Debbie! Rule number one hearing aids on during rehearsal! ANDY Uh-oh. Peter's dead, folks. MAGGIE Of all times she chooses to die, less than a week away from opening night. Oh, she was always so selfish. MARTY We have to cancel. Debbie was the only one with hips strong enough f-for the harness. MAGGIE Take a walk down the halls here. Room after room of beds filled with people who won't get out of them anymore. Not because they can't, but because they can't find any reason to. This show, uh, getting out in front of an audience-- this was my reason. KURT Oh, I'm sorry. MARTY Yeah. KURT Wh-Wh... uh, when is opening night? MARTY Uh, Monday at 4 00 p.m. Incidentally, that's also closing night. KURT I-I could fill in, unless there's a rule about residents only being in the show. MARTY First of all, we only have two rules. One, remember your teeth. And your teeth. And... don't mix up your night pills with your day pills. It's simple. GUS I thought I was a pterodactyl. MAGGIE Are you sure, Pillsbury? Peter Pan is a very vocally demanding role for a woman. Can you handle it? KURT Oh, yeah. I-I'm a countertenor, and I practically have the score memorized. I was obsessed with my tape of Mary Martin's version when I was a kid. She was my childhood hero. Which explains a lot now that I think about it. MARTY We have a piano. Uh, could you audition with any music or anything? You know, we just can't hand you a part. We have standards. Right? KURT I-I do. I always carry sheet music with me just in case. MAGGIE Oh. Oh. MARTY Oh. MAGGIE That's our Peter! KURT Yay! SAM Aw... ARTIE This is an unusually violent game. SAM Hey, McConaughey. Hey. All right, all right, all right. Grr. SAM We're working on his impressions. ARTIE It's like watching Goofy teach tricks to Pluto. Mercedes is gonna freak when she gets home. MERCEDES Hush. She's gonna fall in love with him, just like I did. You have to help me sell it to her so she, like, thinks he's really awesome when she gets here, okay? ARTIE Don't worry. I got your back. MERCEDES Sam? Did you go back and adopt that dog? SAM Uh... uh, hey. ARTIE I tried to stop him. SAM Uh, baby, yeah. Sorry I didn't, uh, talk to you about it first. It's just that when I saw McConaughey in his cage, something inside me just clicked and I knew that we were meant for each other. ARTIE I blame Sarah McLachlan. MERCEDES I don't mean to be patronizing, but we have a kitchen full of dead Chia Pets that you can't take care of. This is a living, breathing creature. SAM So is Artie, and I take care of him. ARTIE Hold up. Did you just... SAM Look, hey, look, I know I can take care of him, okay? I just... Give me a chance. Look, look, look. Oh, McConaughey loves you. He lo... Oh, oh, look at the face. The pooch. He d... The face. MERCEDES Okay. Fine. If it's that important to you, we will try it. SAM Okay. She's gone. Let's go. MERCEDES Did you pay the gas bill? SAM Yeah. Uh, no. Uh, I've... Artie was just into this video game. MERCEDES Did you take out the recycling? SAM Um, Artie was gonna do it on his way out. ARTIE Am I still here? Am I invisible? MERCEDES Hold up. Is that my faux-huahua? SAM Uh... SAM Oh, I did that. MERCEDES Okay, you better clean this mess up. Okay, just because McConaughey is cute, it doesn't mean... Oh, no. Oh, I know that that dog is not eating my hair. I know that you did not let that dog near my bedroom or my wardrobe or my makeup! ARTIE Um, can one of you guys bring me down the stairs? ARTIE I got to go. MERCEDES Sam! Don't. Don't you even speak. Don't you even look like you're about to speak to me. You just pack up that dog and you take him back where you got him or, so help me, I will go full-on Carcosa on you. RACHEL Easy. Okay. BLAINE Oh, my God, is that Rachel Berry, star of Broadway's smash-hit musical Funny Girl? ARTIE I love her! I saw Funny Girl five times! She is just so likeable! RACHEL Oh! BLAINE Ms. Berry, what on earth are you doing walking all these beautiful dogs? RACHEL Well, someone has to. Did you know that New York City shelters are the most overpopulated in the state? SANTANA What? No, I didn't know that. That's such a shame. RACHEL That's why I'm starting my own dog rescue charity, Broadway Bitches. Okay. Wait, just stay right there. At the, uh, Spotlight Diner. RACHEL Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. No! Oh, my God. SANTANA At least you were wearing underwear. RACHEL I got dragged four blocks and now I have to pay for this dress, and that man got bit by a shih tzu. Seriously, is this a good idea? Because I feel like I look worse now. SANTANA No. Yes, this is a good idea, okay? Um, everybody's talking about your activism. And, in fact, out of the 500 Broadway Bitches Evites that I sent out this morning, over half are confirmed. And I even have a reporter from NYTheatreNews.com ready to do a piece on it. So just stick to the plan and don't go soft on me. RACHEL Guys, I got good news. I landed a role. RACHEL "The Lexington Home for Retired Performers presents Peter Pan"? KURT And I'm Peter! They needed an emergency replacement because the woman playing him dropped... out. She dropped out. SANTANA You cannot possibly be serious. KURT I am, actually, and I'm very excited about it. Opening night is Monday, and I'd love to have you. SANTANA No, sorry, can't make it. As much as I would love to watch Homocchio and the Geriatric Puppets put on a depressing sub-community theatre show, Rachel's event is that night. KURT Well, that shouldn't be a problem because the show starts at 4 00. RACHEL I'm sorry, Kurt. Santana has me doing all these photo ops and interviews, and my reputation is at stake here. Seriously, you know, I could lose jobs if I don't clean this up. KURT I bend over backwards for you every time you need something. Well, I need you now, so please support me in this. RACHEL I am doing something good for the animals. KURT No, you're doing it for yourself. You treat me exactly like the world treats these dogs-- you just cast me aside. Well, I'm done being a friend only when it's convenient for you. SAM Mercedes doesn't want me to get rid of the dog, okay? She just wants him to stop tearing everything up. ARTIE You seriously think you can train that dog? I had to teach you how to use Velcro. SAM Okay, yeah, well, Velcro's hard. It's like black magic. But, look, I can do this, okay? Doggies crave discipline. We'll just run him through the Doggy Gauntlet of Doom-- it's a working title, don't judge me-- and then once Mercedes gets home tonight, he'll be groomed, trained and ready to melt her heart with those big, beautiful puppy dog eyes that he gets from me. ARTIE Let's do it. SAM All right, good. KURT Boys, I've returned to Neverland! ANDY Peter, we killed a giant bird while you were gone. GUS Maggie, you're supposed to be on the ground. MAGGIE If I get down, I'm not getting back up. ANDY Oh, we look ridiculous! What were we thinking when we chose to do Peter Pan? GUS Well, we wanted to show our families that we were still energetic and young. Right, Freddie? KURT But you guys are still energetic and young. You know, if you want to seem young, you got to feel young. ANDY I don't know about all of that. KURT I was thinking of changing up the music. You know, maybe updating it a little bit. ANDY I still think that we should do The Importance of Being Earnest. MAGGIE Ever since you were a question on Jeopardy!, you have been such a know-it-all. NURSE Maggie, flowers came for you. MAGGIE Oh. Oh, they're from my daughter, Clara! She's a defense attorney. "Mom, sorry I have to miss opening night. I have to be in Reno for a deposition." Oh. She is so thoughtful. She spoils me. KURT Oh, that's too bad. I know how important Clara is to her. She talks about her constantly. All about their lunches, and their late night phone calls, and their double dates. NURSE Except none of it's real. Those flowers aren't from her daughter. Maggie sends herself flowers once a week to keep up appearances. Clara hasn't been here in years. MERCEDES You are shredding my last nerve. SAM Before you say anything else, you should know that Artie and I tamed the beast that is McConaughey. He's not barking, he's been off his leash for the last few hours, but didn't poop anywhere he wasn't supposed to, and he didn't eat any of your weird, strange, Indian hair. MERCEDES All of that is great, Sam, but we talked about this, and we both agreed, you can't take care of a dog. SAM Really? Because it looks like I'm doing a pretty good job of it right now. MERCEDES For the moment. But what's gonna happen when you have, like, a 20-hour shoot, and you can't walk McConaughey, or-or put out his food? SAM I don't know. I thought maybe you could help. MERCEDES Well, I would, and I could, but what happens when I go on tour? SAM Uh, we could get a dog-sitter. I don't know. MERCEDES Who's gonna call the sitter? Who's gonna make sure that they have a key to get in? Who's gonna pay them? SAM I am, and you know what else I've been thinking about? You going on tour, and me being in this brownstone, all alone and wanting some company. SAM You know, last time I checked, New York's a pretty lonely town. MERCEDES Is that what this is really about? SAM Maybe. Partly, yes. But if we're being honest, I think it's also about when I suggested we take McConaughey home, you couldn't even imagine me being able to take care of him, okay, and that's just... that's just crap, okay. It's like you're looking at me like I'm a boy and not a man. MERCEDES Sam... SAM Look, I took care of my whole family when they had nothing, okay. When they were as poor and as homeless as McConaughey. I made sure they ate, I made sure they had a roof over their head, I made sure my little brother and sister got to school on time. Me, Sam, the slacker. MERCEDES Oh, Sam, I... I know. SAM But, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know... I know that I forget about appointments sometimes, and I leave my clothes around the apartment, and I get distracted playing video games, but that doesn't mean I'm a joke. MERCEDES I never called you a joke. SAM Mercedes, look, I.... I want to marry you eventually, when we're ready, and I want to have a family with a house and a yard and kids and stuff, but that's only gonna happen if you start taking me seriously, and that starts with me proving to you that I can take care of McConaughey. MERCEDES You-you did, and I'm giving you your props for that. SAM Okay, great. MERCEDES But I... I still don't think that you should keep him. SAM Why not? MERCEDES Because it's not good for him, Sam. Like I said, I'm about to go on tour, and you-- your schedule's crazy, and it's just gonna get worse. So, what's the point of having a dog, even one as cute as McConaughey, if you can't take care of him, and you can't enjoy him? SAM You heard what they do to the pets that you bring back to the shelters, right? MERCEDES Well, then, you're gonna have to find a home for him. And I promise you, someday, we're gonna have everything that you want. Okay, and that includes a dog. But we're still figuring things out between you and me, like who we are together and where we're gonna be. I just don't think that we should drag McConaughey into that, do you? CLARA Liz, send in my 1000. KURT Hi. Um, I'm Kurt Hummel. Um, I-I didn't actually cause a major chemical spill in National Park. Uh, your receptionist said that you were really busy, and that was the only way that I could make an appointment, so... Oh. Uh... CLARA Liz, call security. KURT Well... CLARA They should only need one guy. KURT No. It's-it's about your mother. I'm-I'm friends with her. CLARA Wait. Is this some kind of Martha Raye-Mark Harris thing? 'Cause she doesn't have any money. KURT No, no. We're performing together at the home. Uh, Peter Pan. Uh, she's Wendy, I'm Peter. CLARA Okay. Weird, but whatever. Well, I hate to break it to you, but the minute the show's over, she's gonna lose your number. KURT I... I don't know what happened between you two, but, uh, I can't imagine a sweet old lady like that hurting anyone. CLARA Well... she wasn't always a sweet old lady. She was young and ambitious and so hungry to get back in the game, she tended to forget little things, like her daughter at school and birthdays. KURT And I bet that was very painful, but your mother is 86 years old. I mean, don't you want to forgive before it's too late? CLARA Oh, I've forgiven. Wasn't her fault. She never should have become a mother in the first place. KURT Did you know that she sends herself flowers from you, and that she talks about you constantly? I know all about the scar on your elbow from the time that you climbed on the counter trying to get the box of Frosted Flakes, and your fear of balloons, and that you aced the SAT. CLARA Wow. Did she also tell you that she missed my high school graduation? KURT She had a dream, and she got lost in it. But she is clearly full of regret. My mom died when I was eight, and I spent my entire life pretending that I had one. Whatever she did to you, yours is still here. Don't you see that by coming to see her perform and celebrating the very thing that you blame for taking her away from you that you could heal all of this? Well, your mother couldn't take care of you when you were little, but you could take care of her now. RACHEL Oh, this is better than I could have ever imagined! I mean, a dozen dogs have already been adopted, and we just started! Hi. SANTANA Okay, um, Beverly Stevens from NYTheatreNews.com is going to be here later today, and I've picked out the perfect pooch for you to pose with. He's a three-legged dog! RACHEL Oh. Come here. SANTANA Who doesn't love a lady holding a three-legged dog? You know, it's like a ticket to Heaven. RACHEL Oh, Santana, you're really good at this. Have you ever thought about doing this professionally? SANTANA I sure have, every time I watch Scandal. MERCEDES Okay, come on, Sam. We have to turn McConaughey into the doggie rescue. SAM No way, Jose. ARTIE Guys, I think we have an issue. RACHEL I'm going to have to take the dog. MOTHER You're telling me I can't take this dog? RACHEL Just, I need to take the dog. MOTHER No, I can't believe that! No, no, no, no, no. No. RACHEL Yeah, 'cause I have to take a photo with that dog later, so... MOTHER But this is the dog my son wants to adopt. Isn't that the whole point of this event? RACHEL Um, well, maybe you could just wait a couple of hours? MOTHER I have to catch a train back to Long Island in 20 minutes. SANTANA Okay, I'm so sorry, lady, but hand over the tripod, and nobody'll get hurt. RACHEL I'm sorry... MOTHER I can't... I get it. I know who you are. I read the Broadway blogs. You can't redeem a lie with more lies. You may get away with this farce this time, but you're a fraud, and it's gonna come out soon enough. You don't care about these dogs. I doubt you care much about anyone but yourself. Come on, honey, let's go home. SANTANA Don't listen to her. Look at her shoes. KURT Thanks. I just don't want the harness to show. I mean, the show's tacky enough. BLAINE Well, I am missing dinner with June and Diane von Furstenberg at Annie Leibovitz's house, BLAINE but... there's no other place I'd rather be. KURT Drop all the names you want, my old ladies are much cooler than yours. BLAINE It's really nice to see you so happy. I never thought that a retirement home can make someone smile so much. KURT You know, for the first time since I moved here, I... I feel like I'm doing something with purpose. Besides school, of course. BLAINE Should I save some seats? KURT No, no, I'll see you after. BLAINE Okay. Love you. KURT Me, too. Oh, uh, don't sit in the first row. I don't trust the harness. And Gladys has been having a hard time keeping solid foods down, so... BLAINE Okay. Break a leg. KURT Thanks. MAN Oh, here you go. And one for you, too. Enjoy. KURT You know, Maggie, I was thinking, since your daughter and my friends are always so busy, why don't we become each other's family? I mean, you'd be doing me a favor. I-I could use someone to talk to. MAGGIE Well, as long as I'd be doing you a favor, I'd love to. RACHEL Hello? KURT Hey, it's me. Um, my show is about to start, and I just wanted to wish you good luck at the benefit. I know things have been really tense between us this week, um, but I would never want you to think that I'm not proud or supportive of you. Um, I'm-I'm very glad you're doing what you're doing, because... my life would certainly be dull without friends like you to inspire me every day. RACHEL That is very sweet of you, but I have to go, because, um, my best friend's show is about to start. KURT Oh. MAGGIE Clara. Seeing you in the audience makes this the best performance of my life. CLARA A friend of yours told me it was one I couldn't miss. I'm so glad he did. MAGGIE I have so many things to say. So many "I'm sorrys." And I so want to know about your life. RACHEL Oh, my gosh, you were amazing! I couldn't stop smiling watching you perform with all these sweet old folks. It's like, this is gonna be us in the future when we're older, and be so cute. KURT It is, and we'll be very cute. SAM Oh, dude, hold up. KURT Well, hello. SAM This harness cannot be good for the sack puppies. KURT Oh, years of skinny jeans have prepared me for this performance. RACHEL Well, you look great. KURT The costume and the key. Yeah, I just wish more people could see Maggie and the gang perform. I mean, they're the real stars. GUS Hey, there's a bus outside. There's a... Freddie, wake up! GUS Wake up! Freddie, there's a bus outside, and it's got a lift. FREDDIE Oh, a lift? A lift. GUS Yeah, okay. FREDDIE Oh, boy. KURT Why is there a bus outside? RACHEL Artie was able to get the film school to loan it to us for the day. This is your opening night gift. SAM Hey, everybody! I'm Sam, and there's a bus outside. Old people usually freak me out, but in this case, you guys are pretty cool. BLAINE Anyway, Rachel has asked us on behalf of the adoption charity, Broadway Bitches, to personally invite all of you to be our guest performers at an event we're holding this evening. KURT Well, what do you say, Maggie? Do you think you have a second act in you? MAGGIE I never used to believe in second acts, but you've proven me wrong. KURT Great. MARTY To the bus, everybody! RACHEL Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for coming and supporting Broadway Bitches. You know, as New Yorkers, we get so wrapped up in our careers and making it that we forget the importance of really creating a legacy that we can be proud of. Um, and what better way and what's more rewarding than giving back to man's best friend and to all of our friends, really. So please join me in giving a warm welcome to some very special friends who are here today to help us out. From the Lexington Home of Retired Performers, give it up and enjoy the song. SAM If he's not going home with us, we need to find the perfect home for McConaughey. MERCEDES If not, Sam, then we'll just... we'll figure something out, but we're not gonna take him back to the shelter. RACHEL Oh, hi! FEMALE REPORTER Rachel, this was inspired, to say the least. New Broadway mixing with old, plus this amazing cause. Where did you get the inspiration to put on an event like this? RACHEL Well, it's funny that you ask, because, um, I actually have an amazing publicist. SANTANA Well, thank you. SANTANA Hi, uh, Santana Lopez, public relations. My motto is "If I can make Berry work, I can do anything." RACHEL And it was actually my really amazing friend, Kurt, who had the genius idea of bringing back all these incredible retired Broadway performers. FEMALE REPORTER Oh, well, we are uploading the video that my cameraman shot on our site immediately, and I am betting that we are going to get a lot of hits. KURT Thank you for all your support, but Rachel isn't giving herself enough credit. I mean, this is a true collaboration, and we're just happy to be giving back. RACHEL Yay!