ALL BARTENDER BECKY BLAINE DAVE JACOB KURT MALE_CAB_DRIVER MALE_OWNER MAN MAN_2 MAN_3 MARIO MERCEDES RACHEL SALVATORE SAM SANTANA SIDNEY SUE TINA WILL WOMAN KURT Rachel. Rachel. Rachel, come on. Rachel. Come on. You're on. TINA Here's your c-c-costume, Rachel. Steak a dreg. RACHEL There's nothing on the hanger. SANTANA Yes, well, apparently the emperor wears no clothes. DAVE Little trouble chewing on something? JACOB Love me. I love you. Why can't you love me back? MAN Hey, Rache. It's all riding on you, kid. SUE Even though you have no business being up there, shouldn't you be onstage? RACHEL Where's my purse? Or my Finn necklace. Where's my Finn necklace? BECKY Get on with it! KURT I don't know why you're so anxious. You killed it in the previews up in Syracuse. RACHEL No, you didn't read any of the reviews. KURT Yes, I did, I read every single one of them. RACHEL No, you only read the legit ones. You did not read the independent bloggers or you didn't read the comments sections. KURT I told you to stay out of that comments section. RACHEL I know, but I couldn't help it, and now it's like they're my anxiety avatars. Like the people in my dream. They're the voices of all the self-doubt that I've ever had about myself. And, you know, why do people become actors in the first place? You know? It's because we want to be loved. We're like a like a bottomless cup that just constantly needs to be filled with love and validation. KURT Give me your phone. You're being unplugged until after your opening night. RACHEL Wait KURT No going on the Internet for anything. All the greats do it. Scorsese, Woody, Miley. None of them read reviews or blogs or check Twitter. Okay? We are going to hermetically seal this loft into a big love bubble and fill it with positive affirmations and validations from people who know you and love you and have no doubt that you're going to be amazing. If you need your cup filled, we'll fill it right here. RACHEL Okay. SUE Hey, William. How's your day going, huh? WILL Honestly, it's been a little rough SUE Yeah, I don't care. Listen, it's come to my attention you have an extra plane ticket to New York City. WILL That's right, yeah. I'm going in for Rachel's opening. Yeah, uh, Emma and I booked it months ago, but she's obviously too pregnant to fly right now, and Coach Beiste said that, uh, Southwest wouldn't let her fly because she takes up two seats. SUE Well, I'll take the ticket. I have to see New York. WILL What are you talking about? You hate New York. SUE Western Ohio, there's a scab on the face of America. It's an island. It's shaped like a dong and smells like hot pee. This island is called New York City, and it's high time the real America told New York to take a hike. New York is a loud, overcrowded cesspool of ten million people and 70 million rats, SUE where the best one can expect after a Central Park wilding at one of the city's hundreds of ethnic day parades is a soggy, pork anus frankfurter that a cockroach walked across. New York is not just the playpen of the mega-rich WILL Honey? SUE billionaires who crushed and snorted our nation's retirement savings-- it's also the home of Broadway. That great American institution that bores us to death one night a year with that bi-curious minstrel show of self-congratulation the Tony Awards. That broadcast lit up the switchboards with thousands of angry callers, and the network brass did their research and they discovered I've never been to New York City. WILL What? SUE You see, I've been taking my cue from cable news lately, just lying a lot. But now I need to actually visit that hellhole and see how soulless, empty and bullet-ridden it really is. WILL Well SUE Or I'll lose my credibility. WILL Okay. Fine, the ticket is yours if you want it. But you have to pay me back for it. And you have to come with me to the opening night of Rachel's show. I mean it, Sue. No excuses. SUE You drive a hard bargain, Butt Chin. I'll do it. WILL Great. Actually looking forward to it. WILL New York City. Huh. What's that gonna be like? SUE This place smells like barf. WILL Come on, Sue, follow me. KURT Tina. TINA Hi. Hello, big fat Broadway star. RACHEL Hey. MERCEDES Hi. SAM About time. TINA These are for you. TINA Oh, no. Do you have laryngitis? KURT Oh, no, she's just resting her voice. TINA Oh, thank God. This would not be a good time for your tonsils to flare up again. Remember that? First year of Glee Club? Hey, where is everyone? Rachel's opening night on Broadway is a big deal. And where's Artie? I was hoping to get to see him. KURT Oh, his short film Bags in the Wind got accepted into the Ft. Lauderdale International Short Film Festival. TINA Oh, that's too bad. I mean, what about Quinn and Puck and Santana? I mean, are they just not being supportive? MERCEDES Tina! Why don't you catch us up? How's Brown University treating you? TINA Ah, I love everything about it. Except for my dorm room. My roommate-- she's nice-- but she's from Pakistan and she speaks almost no English and she's always watching that Al Jazeera channel. And, no, I don't have a boyfriend, but I was dating this really nice guy, but he turned out to be SAM Gay. MERCEDES Gay. BLAINE He's probably gay. KURT Homosexual. TINA No. Yes. Anyway SAM Knew it. TINA Rachel, I read this amazing story about you on BroadwayWorld.com, and they are predicting that Funny Girl is gonna be a huge hit. And so is everybody else, except for a few moronic bloggers. BLAINE Oh, hey, Tina. TINA But, I mean, who are they to call you pitchy? BLAINE Let's go get an iced mocha. TINA And do not get me started on those anonymous comment trolls. I mean, that You are not that short. ALL Shut up. RACHEL It's fine. It's fine. Frankly, the only opinions that I care about are you guys. And I love you guys and you love me. So, you know, if I ever need any validation, I just turn to my buffet of people right in front of me. If you don't mind, I am going to take a nap. This diva needs her beauty rest. So MERCEDES All right. Tina. MERCEDES Get your bags. You're coming to my place. TINA But I thought I was staying here. What if Rachel needs my love and validation from the buffet? MERCEDES Just go. RACHEL Oh, my God. Oh, my God. WOMAN The only thing Berry's got in common with Streisand is her ginormous schnoz. Someone call the bomb squad, 'cause Funny Girl will no doubt be a funless flop. Do Broadway a favor, Rachel Berry, RACHEL No. WOMAN and take your bony, untalented butt back to RACHEL Nothing. WOMAN whatever Hobbit-hole you crawled out of. KURT Oh, honey. RACHEL Sorry. KURT Guys. It's bad. Rachel has been cybercutting all night. She read, like, every negative comment ever written about her in the span of an hour. SAM No! KURT Yeah. Yeah, she's taken to her bed. She says she's too psyched to go on tonight, and her confidence is shot. We have to fill her with love and validation so she gets it back. Otherwise, everything she's ever worked for her entire life is gonna be ruined. BLAINE Let's do it. SAM Hey, uh, Rache? BLAINE Namaste, Rachel. KURT Hey, Rachel. BLAINE These magic hands right here, they're gonna get you back to your happy place. RACHEL "Hello, gorgeous. Fanny Brice was my most cherished role. But I can't stay in style forever. Now it's your turn. Barbara." RACHEL You of all people should know that Barbra dropped the "A" when she was 18 years old as an act of rebellion. Who wrote this?! Tina?! BLAINE Or not. SAM Okay. KURT I've never seen her like this. BLAINE I know. She's usually pushing people away to get onstage. KURT It's not fair that anyone can send a hateful tweet to anyone and have access to artists. MERCEDES You know, I-I don't think that it's the criticism that got to her; I think it's, like, the volume of it. SAM It's Twitter. TINA I can't believe my note didn't work. BLAINE I know. It was so good. SUE Hello, losers. Well, you live in the worst neighborhood in Brooklyn, and there isn't even a lock on your door. You might want to look into that. Unless, of course, you think the rapist is gonna just move on to the next apartment filled with nubile 19-year-olds simply because your door is so damn annoying to open. TINA What are you doing here? SUE Oh, Asian Number One, that's totally something you would say. I have come to watch Rachel Berry choke on her opening night. RACHEL I heard that! I'm right in here! KURT Sue, please, Rachel is freaking out! SUE Well, she should be; she's going to choke. RACHEL I can hear you in here! SUE Oh, and to answer your question, Cheech and Chang, I'm staying here overnight, because I realized when we arrived at the hotel that Will Schuester is a big old perv and has been trying to sleep with me this whole time. I-I thought I asked them to change it to two twin beds. SUE Adultery. WILL No. SUE That's what this is called. KURT Well, you are not staying here. I can't have you anywhere near Rachel. SUE No, that's fine. I'll stay in your room. Oh, thank God there's no weird sex toys laying around. TINA Things could not possibly get any worse. SUE Look, what I'm trying to say is, whenever I'm nervous about choking in front of hundreds of people, I eat a spoonful of mustard to make myself puke, and I get that part over with. SANTANA All right, where is she? Kurt called me in the cab, told me what was up. TINA She's been in there for hours. We don't know how she's peeing. SANTANA Okay. Give me four minutes. SUE I will return with Grey Poupon. SANTANA What? RACHEL You're the best they could do? SANTANA Hells, yes. Because I am the closer. And in two minutes, you are gonna be out of this bed ready to fistfight the Taliban and offering to buy me a diamond necklace. RACHEL No pep talks or anything are gonna work right now. Honestly. Okay? I've never felt like this before in my entire life. I never thought in a hundred years that I'd be too afraid to perform, but it's, like, these people and all this stuff is just, like, in my head. And now I don't even know what's real anymore. SANTANA Okay, okay. RACHEL It's, like, I am all of my insecurity. SANTANA Seriously RACHEL Every single one. SANTANA I don't do I don't do pep talks. If you want a pep talk, you should call Mr. Shue or rent The Notebook. I took the liberty of looking up some reviews on my phone in the cab RACHEL No, no, look, look, seriously, uh, one hundred good reviews SANTANA Uh, she is "an ancient Hittite princess. She's a freak. Her hands are frightening more than amusing, and her movements are wildly bizarre." RACHEL Those are awful. SANTANA They were also written in 1964 about Barbra Streisand when she played Fanny. RACHEL I see what you did there. SANTANA You suck at so many things but not at this. And the thing is, is that you don't even have to believe me or yourself-- all you have to do is get on that stage and open your mouth. You can't do this badly; you don't actually have it in you. You and I only have two speeds awesome or not at all. Who gives a crap what all the other peasants think? I can't stand you 90% of the time, but even I know that if you drag your flat little ass out on that stage tonight you're gonna murder that crowd. SAM I'm gonna eat it all. RACHEL What are you all moping around for? It's my opening night! SAM MARIO Tickets! I got one extra ticket here for sale! SUE Ticket! Get your tick You need a ticket, lady? Okay. How about you, you need a ticket, lady? WILL What the hell are you doing? SUE William, I am obviously scalping my ticket. Why should I have to suffer through an endless evening of Rachel Berry desecrating the memory of the late, great Barbra Streisand? WILL You promised you would come to the show. SUE I have no recollection of that happening. Ticket! Get your ticket! You ladies have tickets? MARIO One ticket for sale! I got one ticket for sale if anybody needs it. One ticket. Oh. Yes, sir. Come on, right through. Great. Fantastic. MAN 2 How much? SUE What? MAN 2 Your ticket. How much? SUE It's not for sale. RACHEL Come in. WILL I heard it's somebody's opening night on Broadway. RACHEL Oh, my God! Hi! RACHEL How are you? WILL Oh, my gosh, look at you! Here you are. RACHEL Thank you. WILL Oh, my gosh. I always knew we would end up here. That that you would end up here. RACHEL Well, apparently, some dreams do come true. WILL Apparently. RACHEL Yeah, I-I got him a seat tonight. I know it's weird, but he always made me promise I would get him a ticket to my opening night on Broadway. WILL It's not weird. It's lovely. RACHEL The only thing that scares me is getting through "Who Are You Now?" It's the last song, and I always think about him when I sing it, and so if I can get through that, then I'll be fine. WILL Well, you know where we're all sitting. If you need a little boost, just zone in on us. WILL Rachel, it's okay. WILL I am so proud of you, Rachel. Tonight is the best gift that a student could possibly give her teacher. You're making my dreams come true, too. MAN 3 Ten minutes, Miss Berry. RACHEL Okay, thank you. WILL Hey, Em. Yeah, I'm here with Rachel. RACHEL Tell her I said hi. WILL What's up? She says "break a leg." RACHEL Thanks. WILL What? Now? How-how long? Wha wha Okay, wait for me. I RACHEL Oh, my God. WILL No, no, no. Just try to wait. Uh RACHEL Is she right now? WILL Her water just broke. RACHEL Go! Go! Oh, my God! WILL Oh, my God, I have to get back to Ohio. RACHEL Oh, my God! WILL I love you. I love you. Break a leg. Hey, that kid is terrific. Mm! SUE Is this supposed to be good? KURT Sue, cut it out. He's the critic from The New York Times. SUE Do they still publish that? SUE I just can't even Excuse me, I need to go kill myself. SUE Excuse me, sir. Could you call me a taxicab? MARIO First time in New York? SUE Well, what makes you think that? MARIO Well, that is not how you call a cab. All you have to do is walk out on the curb and put your hand in the air. SUE Oh, okay. I see. I didn't I didn't know. MARIO Don't feel bad. You know, that was my first Broadway show. Yeah. One of my patrons gave me the tickets. I didn't think it was gonna make me want to barf so much. I mean, it's called Funny Girl. I thought it was gonna be about a funny girl. SUE Right? MARIO Yeah. MARIO It definitely was not funny, and for a second there, SUE No. MARIO I wasn't even sure she was a girl. SUE You said "patron." Are you a sex worker? MARIO No. I am a restaurateur. SUE Oh. MARIO I own a few places around the city. Yeah. I'm kind of a big deal. SUE Wow. MARIO You want to grab a bite? SUE Yeah. KURT Hey! You're doing great up there. RACHEL Hi. KURT You're giving it the full Fanny. MERCEDES Hey, how you feeling? RACHEL I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I mean, good, good. But do you guys think that, you know, Sue getting up in the middle had any sort of effect on the critics or the audience or anything like that? MERCEDES No. KURT No, no, probably not. RACHEL No, right? SIDNEY Bravo. You were terrific in the first act. RACHEL Oh, good, good, good. SIDNEY Terrific. RACHEL I made some little changes, but SIDNEY No, no. It was wonderful. I promise you, RACHEL Great. SIDNEY it was wonderful. RACHEL Okay. SIDNEY I'm a little concerned about that guy in the the tracksuit leaving right at the beginning. I mean, he stepped over the critic of the Times. The guy was spooked. RACHEL Oh, my God. SIDNEY No, no, no, no, no. Not to worry, not to worry. The important thing now is what you do in act two. Critics remember beginnings and endings. So now you have to dig deep. I know you can do it. All you have to do is share it with everybody. RACHEL I can do it. SIDNEY Sorry to tell you, you're gonna have to. With all the work that we've done, all the money that's been put in, it's all for that one critic from the Times. If he doesn't like it we're kaput. If the review is bad, then opening night is closing night. And that is showbiz. MARIO I mean, seriously, if I wanted to see a show about an ugly duckling who gets dumped, I'd just watch an episode of Girls. SUE I hear you. MARIO So welcome to Mario's, Sue Sylvester, the gem of Little Italy. The neighborhood's changed from when I was growing up. Now it's pretty much one street surrounded by Chinatown. But, still, it's pretty special. SUE Well, I do like the idea of naming a restaurant after one's self. MARIO Hey, Salvatore. This is Sue Sylvester. I'm gonna go whip up something for her. SALVATORE Buonasera, Signorina Sylvester. SUE This is America. We speak English here. MARIO So, what can I make for you? How about some gnocchi alla napolitano? Or, uh, linguine al pesto? SUE I'm not sure. And, to tell you the truth, no one's ever cooked for me before. MARIO What? You got to be kidding. SUE No. It's true. My parents were famous Nazi hunters, so they weren't around a lot. Also, I've been threatened with poisonings several times, so I don't even order takeout without my food taster, and Becky's back in Ohio. MARIO Sue, I've got to ask. Married? SUE Divorced, actually. Um, I was briefly married to myself, uh, but it didn't work out. We both realized in the end that we'd grown apart. MARIO Huh. SUE You? MARIO No, I'm, uh, married to my city. This town is my mistress. She's my type of gal. Cruel, delicious and 100 stories tall. There you go. SUE Oh. MARIO Buon appetito. SUE Mmm. I have to say, when I decided to come to New York, I did not think this was going to happen. SUE Oh. Oh. I knew that Funny Girl would be a disaster. I've seen Rachel Berry butcher literally dozens of show tunes with many an ugly cry, but I did not predict that I would meet somebody like you. MARIO Me, neither. Although there aren't a lot of women like you. You know, that show would've been a lot better if you'd been up there on that stage. TINA Yay! MAN Great show, everybody. See you at the party. TINA Oh, my God. RACHEL Oh, I am gonna have a big glass of that. TINA Yay. MERCEDES Oh, my God, Rachel. You were so great. RACHEL Thank you. MERCEDES I bawled during "Who Are You Now?" I had to blow my nose on Sam's sleeve. SAM This is suede. RACHEL I'm sorry. You guys, I love you so much. I seriously I couldn't have done this without all of you. KURT And you got flowers from Quinn RACHEL I know. KURT and Artie and Mike Chang and Puck and Principal Figgins. Clearly you're loved by many. SIDNEY Whoa SIDNEY Tonight, you are a star. RACHEL Oh, my God. Thank you so much. You know what, you guys, let's save all the praises until after the New York Times review comes out. SIDNEY Yeah, yeah. You're right, you're right. RACHEL Yeah. SIDNEY We have, uh, six hours of innocence left. RACHEL Whew. SIDNEY And then when the reviews hit the stand, we'll find out if we're the best thing since sliced bread or toast. But we are going to celebrate tonight. RACHEL Okay. SIDNEY We are going to have an opening night party, Elio's restaurant, Italian restaurant. Eggplant parmigiana always, always brings me good luck. SAM Yeah! RACHEL Yay. SIDNEY Rachel, Rachel, your friends, huh? RACHEL Yeah. SIDNEY Bring everybody! SIDNEY All right, bye. SAM Whoa. Eggplant parmigiana? BLAINE Thank you. BLAINE I can't believe it, a real Broadway cast party. RACHEL I don't really feel like going to the party. I think that they're just gonna only be talking about the play, and-- I don't know-- I'd rather just celebrate with you guys. BLAINE I know just the place down in Greenwich Village. Trust me, Rachel, they're gonna love you there. RACHEL Oh, my God. BARTENDER Oh, my God. Rachel Berry?! Here?! RACHEL Oh, my God, you recognize me? BARTENDER We've been tracking Funny Girl for weeks. How was tonight? KURT She was incredible. BARTENDER Oh, well, then this is historic. You have to sing something-- it's Broadway tradition. RACHEL Oh, no. I'm-I'm not sure. KURT Whatever the review says tomorrow, let's just love and celebrate you tonight, right now. RACHEL Well, in that case I'm here for the night! RACHEL Hit it! SANTANA Who wants to rub my feet? I haven't danced that hard since Nationals two years ago. TINA I got the DJ's number. BLAINE Oh. Tina, I told you, he's totally gay. Come on. TINA Gay? No! BLAINE What are you, blind? RACHEL Uh, I'm gonna make some coffee, you guys. The reviews come out in 30 minutes, and I want us all to go down to the newsstand together. MARIO Uh, I'll take mine black, thanks. Who are all you people? RACHEL Oh, my God. You are the guy the guy that walked out of my show last night. What are you doing in my apartment? KURT In my robe? SUE Well, aren't you all so very, very rude. TINA Oh, my God, Sue had sex in your bed. SUE Actually, we did it all over your apartment. And if I were you, I'd put something down on that couch before I sat on it. SANTANA Oh, no, no. No, no, no, no. SUE So, how'd the rest of the show go, huh? I considered coming back for act two just so I could walk out again. SANTANA Okay, you know what? I am not RACHEL It's okay. I got this. You know what, Sue? You made my life in high school a living hell. SUE Well, thank you. RACHEL And it's like you had a mission to keep us underwater, never coming up, even for a breath of air, and you said that it was to push us, but I really don't think that's what you wanted, because if we actually felt how wonderful and amazing and loved we really were, then we would know what you knew all along, which is that you are a rotten and awful person who only finds joy in people's misery. Well, let me tell you something. Something amazing happened tonight. A group of friends rallied together and made a dream come true. And never, ever in your empty, sad life will you feel the kind of love that I felt tonight. And I would feel so sad for you, but I don't, because I just want you to get the hell out of my apartment, because I want to be with my friends. SUE Wow. Oh, Mario, I'm sorry you had to see that. Let's go. I suddenly don't feel very welcome here anymore. MARIO Well, it was, uh, super meeting all of you. Hey, where'd you get this robe? KURT Just keep it. MARIO Thanks, bro. MERCEDES Rachel. SANTANA Bravo. BLAINE Rachel. Rachel! Rachel! Rachel! RACHEL Yeah. SANTANA Poetry-- couldn't have said it better myself. RACHEL Sir, do you have the New York Times? KURT It's the paper of record. MALE OWNER How old are you? They're gonna e-mail you the New York Times in three minutes. What the heck? BLAINE Just give us the paper. RACHEL Oh, my God. SANTANA Open it. BLAINE Come on. SANTANA Open it! Open I'm cold! Can you open it? BLAINE Rachel, let's go, let's read it. RACHEL No, I can't, I can't. I can't do it, Kurt. You're gonna have to read it. KURT No way! I'm too nervous. SANTANA Know what? Give me this. I don't mind being the bearer of bad news. BLAINE All right. SANTANA Okay. "One might ask themselves, why? Why revive Funny Girl? An iconic show with an iconic star. Why, when there are so many wonderful new playwrights, would Sidney Greene decide to dust off this tired old girl of a play? Well, frankly, I can only come up with a single answer, and it's Rachel Berry." BLAINE Oh, my God. KURT "It takes chutzpa to be willing to step into the Great One's knee-high lace-ups and make Fanny your own. And Rachel has plenty of that, clearly. But she also has something else in spades-- talent." BLAINE Oh, my God. SAM Talent! BLAINE Talent. "And mountains of it. I'm not talking about the Appalachians. Berry is the Alps." SANTANA Ooh. TINA I'm sure I could find fault in this green actress's performance, but shame on anyone who would have the audacity to criticize the bold mistakes of a supernova exploding before our eyes. MERCEDES I just pray to God that no one saw me secretly wiping my tears SAM No! MERCEDES during her show-stopping 'Who Are You Now?' I don't know where inside that small frame Berry went to find the emotion she delivered with that song, but she melted the icy heart of this reviewer. RACHEL Oh, my God. Let me see. Okay. SAM All right. RACHEL I hope this show runs for a long time, not because anyone needs to see 'Don't Rain on My Parade' again, or the producers found a way to get a real tugboat onstage, but because I want to have some time to enjoy Rachel Berry as she is now. I know I will be going back for a second heaping bowl of Rachel Berry. SAM Yes! RACHEL My phone is ringing. Who's call? Oh, it's Mr. Shue! BLAINE Oh, hey. RACHEL Oh, wait. Mr. Shue, I'm putting you on speaker! WILL I made it back just in time for the last few pushes. Emma's doing fine, and so is the baby. MERCEDES Okay, okay, okay. RACHEL Yay! MERCEDES Shut up and just tell us what we need to know. Boy or girl? WILL It's a boy. BLAINE It's a boy. WILL Yeah, we're naming him Daniel. Daniel Finn Schuester. RACHEL Aw. WILL Hey, hey, how was how was the show? RACHEL It was amazing. How do you feel? WILL Oh, for the first time in my life, I feel completely happy. How about you? RACHEL Same. I feel the exact same. WILL So, I got to run. RACHEL Okay, well, we love you. ALL Bye. SAM Bye. Love you, Mr. Shue. MARIO So what now? SUE Well, it's morning. I have an early flight to catch. MARIO Hey, I, uh I don't suppose I could convince you to stay in New York a little longer. SUE Um No. I have a school to run and a daughter that needs me, whose father is Michael Bolton. MARIO Wait. What? SUE Last night was truly magical. I Oh, turns out I love New York, and you are the reason why. But, Mario, I'm a Lima gal at heart. I, uh I love living in a place where "Hang On, Sloopy" is the official state song. Where the Y Bridge in Zanesville spans the confluence of the Muskingum and Licking Rivers, making it the only bridge in the world that you can cross and still be on the same side of the river. I love living in a place that is home to the world's largest basket, located in Basket Village, USA. I guess what I'm saying, Mario, is, um, Sue Sylvester's a big fish who really kind of likes swimming in a little pond. I don't suppose I could convince you to, uh, pull up stakes and MARIO Uh, you know, I'm a New Yorker, Sue. SUE So, uh, I guess that's it, huh? MARIO I guess so. It sure was nice getting to know you, Sue Sylvester. MARIO So long, Sue. SUE Ah. MALE CAB DRIVER Where to, lady? Huh? I take. SUE Ah, ah, ah. I MALE CAB DRIVER Cra crazy! SUE Drive the car. MALE CAB DRIVER Crazy lady. SUE I got it. I got it. MARIO All right. SUE Thanks for making me feel like a girl. MARIO She wasn't right-- the short girl from the play. You are lovable, Sue. SUE Let's get out of here. SUE Recently, I've gotten in a lot of hot water for some comments I made on this broadcast. Last week, I called New York City an overpriced, rat-infested hellhole that smells like an adult diaper. Well, let me be clear. I stand by my comments. Every word I said-- absolutely true. Except for one thing. I don't hate New York. I love New York. There's nowhere on earth quite like it. There's no place so alive with endless worlds of possibility. Every time you step outside, you find yourself on an adventure you never could have predicted. Sure, you might get hit by a bus or stop for pierogies and end up being human trafficked by the Russian Mob, but if you're anything like this champion cheerleading coach, you just might also find love. Or, at the very least, a night of sturdy, spirited lovemaking with a relative stranger in every corner of the apartment of several of your former students. And that's how Sue sees it.