ARTIE BECKY BLAINE ELLIOTT KITTY KURT KURT_AND_ELLIOTT RACHEL RUPERT SALES_PERSON SANTANA SUE TINA TOURIST UNIQUE WILL TOURIST Pardon? Señorita? Esas huevos no esta caliente. SANTANA Excuse me? TOURIST Oh, you speak English? I thought you were Mexican. SANTANA I’m from Ohio. TOURIST I didn’t know there were Mexicans in Ohio. These eggs are cold. I need new ones. SANTANA There is steam coming off of them. TOURIST I happen to know that eggs carry salmonella and I like them cooked extra hot to kill any parasites. Rápido por favor! RACHEL I was sure you were going to go Lima Heights Adjacent and pour the eggs over her head. SANTANA I need this job I’m saving up to buy a noose to hang myself with. RACHEL Hold on. Talk to me. What’s up? SANTANA This isn’t exactly how I pictured things, you know? I’m awesome. I thought I’d show up here and the world would see that. RACHEL Are you kidding? You got a national commercial after being here for a month. SANTANA And now everywhere I go people know me as the girl with a raging yeast infection. The other day a customer sent back the toast I brought them because looking at me made them lose their appetite for any bread product. I’m sorry to complain. I’m fine. RACHEL You’re not and it makes me feel good that you complain to me. It means we’re friends. SANTANA I think I have some kind of weird guilt thing about being friends with you. I was awful to you in high school. I mean, Quinn and Brit hated you too because you sucked so badly and you walked with this kind of weird feet pointing out thing but I was the ring leader. I propped Quinn up to look like the boss but I was running the Hate On Rachel Show. RACHEL But that’s all over now. I forgive you. You need to forgive yourself. This isn’t high school anymore. It’s just you, Kurt and me out here now.... SANTANA And of the three of us I’m the one crapping the bed the hardest. RACHEL I’m on top now but one day maybe it will be you. What you need right now is a little pampering. SANTANA You treating at the Korean spa? RACHEL Better. I am going to be photographed for the cover of New York Magazine. SANTANA Are you kidding? That’s amazing. I’m totally pretending not to be jealous. I’m kidding. That is so cool. RACHEL The publicist for the show set it up to introduce me to the world. everyone says you never get that moment of feeling like you’ve arrived but this kind of feels like it. SANTANA I’m happy for you. But I don’t get what that has to do with me being pampered. RACHEL I happen to know that they are using some models in my shoot and I just may have enough juice to talk them into letting you be one of them. You’ll get your hair and make up done, nails, lots of fun clothes. You in? SANTANA Hells yes I’m in. As soon as I go spit in these eggs. Thanks, Rachel. I hope I’m as cool when the roles are reversed. You’re a really good friend. ARTIE I’m really proud of us. TINA Why’s that? ARTIE Because even after you and I broke up, we were able to stay friends and continue our tradition of Tuesday lunches together. We’re able to check in with each other, stay abreast of what’s going on in each other’s lives... TINA It’s also a great way to avoid the cafeteria on Taco Tuesday when they use Grade d prison meat that can legally contain up to 5% insect larvae. ARTIE Still. I’m going to miss this next year when you’re at Brown and I’m at film school in Brooklyn... TINA I got wait-listed at Brown. You know what percentage of students make it off the wait list? 2 percent. The only other schools I applied to were Ohio State and that dumb vet school. I really wanted to get out of this place, you know? Expand my horizons. I don’t think that’s in the cards for me now ARTIE Well, listen. We’ve got, what, five more Tuesdays here at McKinley? Let’s make them count. From now until graduation, Tuesday lunch is about music that’ll cheer you up because the only thing you’ll be knitting next year is a scarf for those chilly Ivy League winters... BECKY Ugh! Close the door when you sing crap like that! WILL Can I help you, Becky? BECKY Yeah, quit staring at my boobs! Tina and Artie, Principal Sylvester wants to see you in her office. SUE Stumbles. Tina Warrior Princess. Graduation is fast approaching, and it’s time to award the title of Senior class valedictorian. As you are, respectively, a loner Asian who has trouble making friends and a nasal, Muppety disabled kid in a wheelchair, it’ll come as no surprise that you two are at the head of the class. In fact, you’re tied for 1. TINA Tied? ARTIE How is that possible? SUE Identical GPAs, the same extracurriculars, and you both have near-perfect attendance. Unlike some members of the Glee Club that come and go for months at a time without any explanation, you two losers are always in that choir room, even if the only thing you do for an entire week is say something totally inconsequential, like “Kitty’s right!” or “Blaine, are you serious?” TINA Wait. We can’t both be valedictorian. SUE No you can’t. Which is why we are going to settle this with a little friendly competition. As you know, the valedictorian is expected to give the speech at graduation. At the end of the week, you will each deliver your graduation speech before a blue ribbon panel of idiots of my choosing. Whoever wins will be crowned valedictorian. Sound fair? ARTIE No, actually. It doesn’t. SUE Good. Then it’s settled. And let this stand as a warning to you both. If either one of you chooses, in the middle of your speech, to abandon the prepared text in favor of a musical number because the emotions you feel are so complex they can only be expressed in song, I promise I will dedicate my life to making sure that every beverage you drink until the day you die has a little tiny bit of my pee in it. Understood? Now get the hell out of my office. RACHEL Can you believe the costumes they pulled for this? And these are all breakout girls from Juilliard, Yale, nyu. That one girl over there with the snooty face look but don’t look just booked a lead on a new amc show about Victorian hookers. I’m like trembling. I can’t tell if it’s just excitement or total terror. SANTANA Berry, you look amazing. Own it. You’re exactly where you belong. TINA No need to write a speech. I wrote it for you. ARTIE In the hallowed halls of McKinley High, one name rises to the top: ‘Tina Cohen-Chang.’ There is no other choice for valedictorian. I humbly drop out. No me gusta. TINA Artie, I need valedictorian to guarantee my acceptance at Brown. If I don’t get in, I’m screwed. Please take the fall for me. ARTIE No! It’s not my fault you didn’t apply to enough schools. TINA Maybe I was too busy making costumes and building sets and swaying in the background while everybody else was front and center! You always get everything you want I get nothing. ARTIE Woman, are you insane?! You just won Prom Queen. TINA Which counts against me. I read online that college admission directors think high school Prom Queens are self-centered attention whores. ARTIE Hola. TINA Excuse me?! ARTIE It’s time you heard this, because the whole school’s been talking about it. Everyone is convinced that sometime between junior and senior year, an alien invaded your body and made you shallow and desperate. TINA Says the nerd who’s dating a Cheerio! ARTIE Says the hag who vapo-raped Blaine. TINA That was blown totally out of proportion! And yeah, I had a little crush on a guy who could never love me. But is that any different than having a crush on a girl who can’t possibly love you? ARTIE Kitty does love me. TINA Please! She’s obviously using you as some kind of sick charity project, but you’re using her, too. That’s what your speech can be, about how you’re making a sad, last-ditch effort to be popular by dating McKinley’s biggest bitch. ARTIE Actually, Tina, you’re McKinley’s biggest bitch. I’m gonna win this. BLAINE I don’t know, Kurt, don’t you think you might be overreacting? KURT If anything, I’m underreacting, Blaine! I’m telling you. Starchild is trying to take over the band! The soul of Pamela Lansbury hangs in the balance! First, Elliott scores an interview in the Village Voice, where he says BLAINE That’s great, isn’t it? KURT He’s calling it his band, Blaine! And then, not five minutes ago, I get a text that says, quote, “omg I just wrote a song that we’ve” all caps “got to perform.” He’s a psychopath!!! BLAINE Kurt, I gotta go. But look. If you’re really concerned about Elliott, you can’t let on, even for a second. Remember the old adage keep your friends close, and your enemies closer... BLAINE I love you. KURT Remember ladies, band rehearsal tonight... RACHEL Kurt, I’m sorry, I just can’t. SANTANA What? Why? RACHEL Please don’t start in on me, Santana. They’re auditioning my understudy after rehearsal today and I’ve got to be there. I told them it’s pointless, there’s no way I’ll ever miss a performance, but they’re insisting. It must be an insurance thing. SANTANA Well, hold up. If Rachel’s not coming, neither am I... KURT Guys, we’re a band. We have to rehearse. RACHEL Kurt, I don’t think you quite understand the pressure I’m under right now, and I’d appreciate a little compassion from both of you. RACHEL God, it’s hard to be a star. WILL Okay, guys it’s coming down to the wire and we have an important decision to make. UNIQUE My wig is either going to be Anna Wintour chic or Pam Grier fabulous, I’m just not ready to decide. WILL We have two solos at Nationals. And since Blaine was voted the new Rachel, obviously he’s got one. So who else is going to step up and take center stage? TINA I’d like to nominate myself. ARTIE Shocker. TINA And you think you’re going to be the one carrying us to victory? You can barely carry Kitty without getting a flat. KITTY How many wheels did he go through when he was dating you, then? ARTIE Actually, Mr. Schue. I think I’d like to compete with Tina for that second spot. WILL How about a sing-off, right here, right now. A little help, guys? TINA Artie, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean. ARTIE It’s fine. I’m fine. KITTY Guess you really put your weight behind that one. KURT when the girls bailed, I almost cancelled rehearsal, but then I thought, why couldn’t it be just the boys today? Why not use this as an opportunity to get to know my new friend Elliott better? Cucumber sandwich? ELLIOTT Sure Thanks KURT So let’s break it down, Andy Cohenstyle. When’d you start performing? Because you’re extremely confident up there, on the stage. Like you’ve been doing it all your life. No, I mean it, Elliott, you might even be, dare I say it?, the break-out star of Pamela Lansbury... ELLIOTT Come on, everyone brings something essential to the mix KURT uh-huh, so said Beyoncé right before she left Destiny’s Child. But go on, you were about to tell me... ELLIOTT ...I guess my first time on stage was in the fifth grade. I was Schroeder in You’re a Good Man, Charlie Brown. KURT So how does one get from Schroeder to Starchild? What’s that journey like? One of ruthlessness and ambition, I’m sure qualities I admire, by the way, I only wish I had more of them, myself. ELLIOTT It just sort of, kind of happened. I started taking piano lessons, then voice lessons, then guitar KURT Oh, will you teach me? ELLIOTT Guitar? have you ever played? KURT A little, I know the basic chords, but I’m nowhere near your level of virtuosity. ELLIOTT I’m not that good... KURT Stop downplaying, you’re amazing you could easily be our front man, if that’s what you wanted. Is it? ELLIOTT You know, Kurt, if you really want to learn you should pick out your own guitar. One that fits you, that fits your personality. Having the right instrument makes a huge difference. At that point, pretty much anyone can teach you. KURT I’ll do that, but on one condition: Since we’re obviously becoming New York besties, you have to go shopping with me and help me pick it out how fun would that be? RUPERT Thank you. We will call. RACHEL Woof. Dance three, looks two. No wonder you cast me in your show. There isn’t anyone else in this town that can sing. RUPERT I cast you because you are spectacular. RACHEL And I’m also incredibly healthy and am planning on wearing one of those surgical masks around town like the Chinese people do once we are up and running. I don’t get sick which means I don’t need an understudy. RUPERT Union rules say you need an understudy. So does the producer and our insurance company. RACHEL How many more do we have left? RUPERT Just a few. Santana Lopez? RACHEL What....? RUPERT Holy Moly. That was amazing. Who are you? I mean, who submitted you? SANTANA I actually heard about the part from Rachel. We’re roommates. We went to high school together. RUPERT One high school produced both of you? Rachel, why didn’t you tell me about her? RACHEL Um, because even though she is clearly very talented though I do take some issue with her song choice Fanny is a Jewish girl. I don’t think Santana Lopez is really right for the part. SANTANA I thought about that and while Funny Girl has been performed numerous times since its debut in 1964 with luminaries such as Lauren Ambrose and Debbie Gibson playing Fanny there has never been a Broadway revival that color blindly cast the show. If you’re looking to separate yourself from the pack, casting a Latina understudy for Fanny would make a heck of a story. Also, haven’t any of you heard about the Sephoras? Dark skinned North African Jews? RACHEL Sephardics. And Fanny was Hungarian. SANTANA I’ve been following the casting breakdowns for months. Unless someone decides to dust off West Side Story there is nothing out there for Latina actresses and even then they usually just ask, some white girl to go to the tanning booth so she can play Maria. Unless someone like you, who actually has some power takes a risk and gives the audience a chance to use their imagination and gives actors a chance to actually inhabit a character nothing is going to change. Look, you see I can sing. I can hold the stage, right? We all know that Rachel is going to have to be dead a week before she misses a performance. Just give me a shot. I won’t let you down. ARTIE Not now. TINA Artie, wait, I’m really sorry. I want to make sure you are ok. ARTIE I’m fine, Tina. I’m always fine. Even when you get so bat-crap crazy on the dance floor that I end up laying on the floor. TINA It was an accident. You’re still one of my best friends Artie. I know you know that. ARTIE Ditto. And you can be moody, but definitely not a bitch. TINA It’s all just gotten so out of hand. This whole speech competition, the race for valedictorian. How the hell did we end up here? I hate it. ARTIE It sucks. After everything we’ve been through together, the madness needs to stop before it tears us to shreds. TINA Agreed. ARTIE However, someone needs to be crowned valedictorian. What do you say we head into the home stretch dueling in far more civilized manner? TINA Challenge accepted. You’re on. KURT so glad we’re doing this, Elliott. And afterwards, we can second-act Pippin, and then we can go to Angus McIndoe’s for a post-theatre cocktail, and then ELLIOTT I’ve been wanting to tell you, Kurt. Being in your band means the world to me. KURT Uh-huh. ELLIOTT Seriously, nyu’s okay, my classes are okay, but...I didn’t start feeling like I belonged until you asked me to be in Pamela Lansbury. You, Santana, Dani, Rachel it’s like you guys are doing everything I’ve ever wanted to do, and by some miracle, I’m there, too, and I just I’m grateful to be a part of it. SALES PERSON Looking for anything in particular? ELLIOTT My friend’s in the market for a new guitar. Can we try out a couple? SALES PERSON Totally. Rock out that’s what we’re here for. ELLIOTT Awesome. Do you know the Darkness? “I Believe in a Thing Called Love”? KURT You don’t own the song, Rachel. RACHEL No, that song belongs to Ms. Streisand as long as she remains on this Earth but I think everyone knows that once she goes the responsibility for singing it will fall to me. KURT You sound kind of insane right now. RACHEL It was totally inappropriate for her to try out without telling me. SANTANA Hey Roomies. You talking about me? KURT No. What makes you think that? RACHEL Why didn’t you tell me you were going to audition? SANTANA Because I figured we were going to fight about it no matter what so why not just go at it afterwards? That way you wouldn’t be able to torpedo me. RACHEL Fanny Brice is a New York Jew! You playing Fanny is like me being the grand marshal at the Puerto Rican Day parade. SANTANA What if you weren’t playing Fanny? If you weren’t playing the lead and I came home and said that I had auditioned to be the understudy would you still feel so strongly about it? RACHEL I am arguing on principle. This is not personal. SANTANA Bullcrap. You talk about forgiveness for high school but the reality is that you just love having something over me. These last couple of months of you in rehearsals and me waiting tables has been such sweet revenge for you. You can’t stand the idea that I may get mine too. RACHEL I just put you on my cover of New York Magazine! SANTANA In the background. You were practically glowing about it! RACHEL Because I had accomplished something. It had nothing to do with you. SANTANA It has everything to do with me. Every step you take in this city is being fueled by all of the pain we caused you. All of that ambition is just you trying to prove us wrong. And that’s fine whatever works for you, just don’t try to say that it’s not. KURT Ladies. Can we take a chill? I’ll make espresso. RACHEL You’re the one who can’t handle this. You’re the one who is dying that I have made it and you are begging to be my understudy. SANTANA Just admit that with all of your years of singing lessons and dance lessons and only child worship from your gay Broadway dads that I’m still just as good as you. That unlike you I can be popular in high school and still make it big after graduation. Just admit that no matter what you do, or how far you go you will never be able to scratch that itch. You will never be able to look down on me and redeem yourself. I was better than you then and I will always be better than you. You are short and you are awful and that is never going to change. RACHEL I think you should move out. SANTANA I agree. KURT Santana, wait. This is silly. We’re all friends. SANTANA Not really. Hello?...Great...Thanks for letting me know so soon. See you at rehearsal, Berry. I’m your new understudy. SUE Welcome, idiots, to the McKinley High valedictorian speech-off. You, illustrious panel of people who are easily roped into stuff, have been chosen as judges based on your proximity to my office ten minutes ago and your tendency to tear up at even the most hackneyed display of ham-fisted teenaged emoting. Your job today is to decide which of these speeches is slightly less awful. With that in mind, allow me to present absolutely no one’s favorite New Direction Miss Tina Cohen-Chang. TINA My fellow graduates. I feel like I was a different person when I first arrived at McKinley High School four years ago. You see, the person speaking to you now is not only your Prom Queen, but a young woman with a near perfect attendance record, a 4.0 gpa, a Show Choir National Championship to call her own, who has been wait-listed at one of the nation’s most prestigious 4-year Universities. The person I am now bears little resemblance to the girl I was on my first day of high school. I was a goth chick who was so intent on pushing other people away, I pretended to have a stutter, which I now understand wasn’t even that convincing. I wasn’t even good at stuttering. But then, something in my life changed. Someone, actually. In fact, that someone changed me. That person’s name is Artie Abrams, and I believe that he should be the one to be given the title of class valedictorian. Not only did Artie teach me how to finally be myself, he is an inspiration high school students everywhere... ARTIE ...Sure, I’ve experienced adversity in my life. One Christmas I was given a pair of mechanical legs that allowed me to walk for an hour before they promptly broke. But I have never been so humbled as I was the moment Tina Cohen-Chang wiped the slushie off her gown and triumphantly returned to the stage to claim her rightful crown as Prom Queen. That’s why I respectfully withdraw myself from consideration, and ask that Tina be named this year’s valedictorian... SUE Oh, dear god this can’t be happening... TINA ...Is it a bridge too far to call Artie Abrams an American hero? I think not... ARTIE ...It’s no exaggeration to say that Tina took my broken body in her arms and taught me how to love... TINA ...And when he strains to push his wheelchair up that ramp, the ghostsof fallen heroes follow close behind. Rosa Parks. Mahatma Gandhi. Artie Abrams holds high the torch of dignity... ARTIE ...So please, respected judges. Cast your lot for Tina. TINA I beseech you. Vote for Artie. ARTIE Tina Cohen-Chang. Teammate, sometime-lover, patriot, friend. Thank you. SUE Thank you. What a treacly, stomachturning waste of everyone’s time. I hate you both. The judges will now make their decision, as I try to find a waste basket I can dry-heave mouthfuls of yellow bile into. RACHEL What are you doing? SANTANA I was going to put on some fresh make up. I have some bruising on my cheek I wanted to cover up before rehearsal. Rachel starts tossing Santana’s stuff back into her bag. RACHEL You might not know this because you have not been interested in Broadway since I’ve known you but the star of the show gets her own vanity back stage. There’s a perfectly fine bathroom mirror for the understudy. SANTANA I’m sorry I know how much space you need for those giant, hooker eyelashes you plaster on every day. RACHEL I will totally hit you again. SANTANA I would love for things to get physical right now. I will punch you so hard you won’t wake up until you’re old enough to be Funny Lady. RACHEL Just so you know, you will never play this part. I’m sure you plan on going Showgirls on me and pushing me down some stairs or poisoning my oatmeal but you have to kill me to keep me from performing and even then I swear to God I will come back from the dead and play Fanny just to spite you. SANTANA Zombie Fanny? RACHEL Ghost Fanny actually. RUPERT What’s this? Fighting? No way. No fighting. RACHEL I don’t think this is going to work out, Rupert. Santana and I have a past. RUPERT Which, besides her being incredibly talented, is why she is here. If we want this house filled we need all the press we can get. I’ve got Pat Healy at the New York Times and David Cote at Time Out and Adam Hetrick at Playbill.com all begging me to break the story of the two girls from the same high school in Ohio who both made it big in the same Broadway show. Two old friends finding fame, love and fortune together in the big city. Hell of a hook. You’re both going to get plenty of attention as individuals but the fact is as a team you’ll be twice as famous. From now on I want you two joined at the hip. You both need to know every move Fanny makes in this show starting with scene fourteen. Rachel, we run it through with you first, then Santana. I don’t know what has gone on between you two and I don’t really care. It’s all puppy dogs and rainbows from now until this show closes. SANTANA At least we know who’s the rainbow and who’s the dog. ELLIOTT T. Rex! Be still my glam heart. There’s a great flea market in Park Slope we should go to. I will find you the perfect records to add to your collection. I’m...kind of magic like that. KURT And I...am kind of magic at baking insanely delicious treats that come pre-packaged with extra glazing. ELLIOTT I hope this doesn’t sound weird, but I’m really glad I met you. You’re like the first gay friend I’ve made in New York that isn’t crazy or just trying to hook-up. But I do know what you’re doing. KURT What do you mean? ELLIOTT I’m not trying to take over your band, Kurt. That’s what you’ve been thinking, isn’t it. That’s why we’ve been hanging out so much? KURT You are kind of magic. Sorry. I was just trying to make sure I knew exactly what your deal was. ELLIOTT My deal is this: you guys are awesome. You’re good people, you’re talented and you know what? So am I. So let’s not be those smiley gay frenemies that backstab each other. KURT Yeah you are. Now, if we don’t Facebook this moment, it never really happened, right? ELLIOTT I think it definitely calls for a Pamela Lansbury selfie. KURT AND ELLIOTT We’re taking that again. SUE Well, the judges have spoken. TINA And??? SUE Congratulations, you morons. You split the vote. It’s a tie. ARTIE Are you serious? SUE That’s right, Make-a-Wish. I’m afraid I have no choice but to name you co-salutatorians and elevate the student ranked 3 to the role of class valedictorian. TINA Who? SUE Blaine Anderson. ARTIE What? TINA What??? BLAINE I’m sorry, guys. I feel terrible TINA Don’t. If we can’t be valedictorian then we’re glad it’s you. BLAINE But you two deserved it I mean, come on already, you have higher grade point averages! I know this sounds like a humble brag but sometimes I feel like I just get things handed to me. ARTIE Really? I never noticed that. BLAINE Y’know like how Mr. Schue gives me more solos than anybody. And the leads in most of the shows. And I’m Senior Class President. And BECKY Gay Blaine! Gay Blaine! When did you break up with Pancake Face? BLAINE Becky, I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call my fiancé “Pancake Face.” And we aren’t broken up. BECKY Yeah, you are! BLAINE What a...great picture. And don’t worry, Becky. Kurt and Elliott are just friends. BECKY “Just friends,” my ass! And speaking of “ass,” Pancake Face is gettin’ some! Oh, Snap! WILL Tina and Artie have both demurred from having solos at Nationals, so we’re still looking for someone to step up BLAINE Mr. Schue TINA You already have a solo, Blaine. BLAINE Thank you, Tina. This is about something else. As you all may have heard, I’ve been asked, oddly, to be the valedictorian this year. And I was thinking that rather than bore everybody with the traditional valedictorian speech where I tell people to follow their dreams and blahtity blah, I could actually affect people by singing. So I was hoping you guys could help me brainstorm some graduation songs ARTIE Can’t wait to watch you get literally assassinated by Principal Sylvester. BLAINE I know you guys wanted it. And so I’m hoping you’ll both sing with me. Whatever song we pick, we should pick together. And there should be solos for both of you. And Tina, we can film the rehearsal and send it to Brown, and I’m sure since they’re so progressive and artsy they’ll open those Van Wickle Gates wide to welcome you. KITTY They better open them really wide. TINA Oh, Blainy Days. ARTIE If we’re gonna go down, I’m honored to go down together. RACHEL We can’t all live here anymore. One of us has to go and even though seniority says it should be me... SANTANA I’ve paid rent here for three months even though I never got to have an actual bed I have squatters rights. RACHEL Kurt. You are the deciding vote. SANTANA I’ll pack my things. We all know who he is going to choose. KURT I choose neither of you. This is ridiculous. We are all friends. After all we’ve been through together I won’t allow us to break up over this. RACHEL This is a betrayal, Kurt. This is exactly what friends break up over. KURT She auditioned to be your understudy, Rachel. How is that a betrayal? RACHEL The sole purpose of an understudy is to hope that the lead can’t go on. She can’t win unless I lose. I can’t be around that kind of negative energy. This is my big break and she is poisoning it. KURT Even if she never gets on stage this will be a very important job for Santana. I’m frankly a little disappointed that you can’t find the generosity to see that. RACHEL If you think she’s some babe in the woods perfectly happy to live off of the bread crumbs I happen to drop from my star sandwich then you are naive or willfully ignorant. She will kill to get that part. KURT Santana has been awful to us in the past but I trust her now. SANTANA Holy crap, Pasty Gay is siding with me. KURT I’m not siding with anyone. I just want to order a pizza and sit down and talk this out. RACHEL You guys are welcome to do whatever you want in your apartment. I’m leaving. RACHEL Let’s face it. Santana and I have been pretending to be friends since that stupid choir room number before graduation. All smiles and support and whatever you need. But it’s all just crap. We don’t like each other. We never have and we never will. KURT Rachel, no. SANTANA Let her go. Leave the bed, though, would you? RACHEL I am on the cusp of something most people never get close to a dream come true. I’m going to be a star, on Broadway and I won’t let any moment of this wonderful, lifeaffirming experience be soiled by friends who aren’t really my friends. It’s over you guys. I’m done. SANTANA That’s mine.