ANNIE BARRY BRO CHILDREN CROWD HAYRIDE_WORKER JANIE JANIES_DAD JANIES_MOM LAFREY LEROY MAX MOM VICTIM YOUNG_BOSS


MAX
Hey, thanks for driving me to work.
LEROY
No problemo.
MAX
A. Got an A. B, have one.
LEROY
What're you doing?
MAX
Oh, I'm just playing the alphabet game. You know, where you try and find the alphabet in order on license plates you pass. You've never played that before?
LEROY
Alphabet game? No, Max. I play real games like Taboo, Pop-A-Shot.
MAX
C. D! I'm kind of killing you here, man.
LEROY
First of all, I'm not playing. Second of all start over. A. Uh, I see a B right there.
MAX
What? What? What? What?
LEROY
C. C, right over there. C.
MAX
Very good alpha spotting, partner.
LEROY
Still not a real game, okay. Real games have points so I can rub the score in my opponent's face after I win.
MAX
Okay, well, how about this? How about we apply a number value to each of the letters.
LEROY
And double points for two of your letters on the same plate?
MAX
Yes, and triple points for an out of state plate.
LEROY
And negative points for a vanity plate.
MAX
See, that is what I'm saying. That is good.
LEROY
Don't smile at me, write this stuff down!
MAX
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
MAX
So, if you spot your exact initials, and the numerical value of the digits reduce to any single digit from your birth year, it's 1,000 points.
LEROY
Unless I see it first and roll my window down. Then it's a death plate and you exit the game.
MAX
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, I got that right here. But if I want to re-enter the game, I have to hit your hazards as we pass your initials on a nearby billboard.
LEROY
Billboard.
MAX
Yes.
LEROY
If the plate is visible only from the mirror, you can call "reverseys," and I have to put the car in reverse as soon as it's safe to do so.
MAX
Yup, that's right. But if I call a "reversey" in error, you get to snap my seatbelt against my chest. Okay, I think that's it. Are we ready to play, uh?
LEROY
I was born ready.
MAX
Okay. Wait a second. Dude, we passed the Bureau ten minutes ago.
LEROY
I know.
MAX
Double B and Ohio! That's 28 points!
LEROY
Damn. I love this game.
LEROY
Your win has an asterisk. Canadian plates shouldn't count.
MAX 
Oh, okay.
LEROY
Good morning, Alice.
MAX
I don't know if you're a breakfast guy, but I got us cheeseburgers.
LEROY
Dude, it's 630 in the morning.
MAX
I know. Two for three bucks if you order before 700 A.M., so I didn't really have a choice.
LEROY
I'm good. I'm on a strict diet of fish, veggies, and Skinny Girl popcorn. Woah-Woah-Woah-Woah. Did you not read the email?
MAX
What email?
LEROY
You can't bring food in the building. It's a secure facility.
MAX
Oh, man. Guess I should read my emails.
LEROY
I guess so.
MAX
Uh, do you mind if I scarf this down real quick?
LEROY
Well, hurry up.
MAX
All right, all right.

LEROY
Enjoy. Bon appétit.
MAX
Mm. Do you like sports?
LEROY
We don't have time for conversation. Come on, bro.
MAX
Mm, all right. Okay.
MAX
Ready to go.
LEROY
Wait a second, wait a second. You just gonna let the other one go to waste?
MAX
Oh, come on, man.
LEROY
Some baby cow's mom died to make that.
MAX
I'm gonna eat another burger?
LEROY
Do what you gonna do, but hurry up.
MAX
This patty is really big, on this one.
LEROY
Come on, Max!
MAX
Okay! Okay. Okay. I'm trying.
LEROY
You can do it!
MAX
I’m trying.
LEROY
You making me late.
MAX
I know. I'm sorry.
LEROY
Hurry up, we got to get downstairs.
MAX
Okay. I've never eaten a burger this fast.
LEROY
Mm-hmm. There you go. Good job.
MAX
Oh.
LEROY

MAX
What are you doing? You said- Oh, so you were tricking me? That's hilarious.
LEROY

MAX
No, it's super funny. I just I'm feeling kind of sick. Is that part of the joke?
LEROY
Yeah, it's a big part.
ANNIE
Hey. Morning guys, uh, come with me. Captain LaFrey wants to see you right.
BARRY
No. I'll take them. Alone.
ANNIE
Okay.
BARRY
Huh.
ANNIE
But if you run into any problems guiding them 30 feet down the hall, I have my cell. You call me.
BARRY
Yo.
LEROY
What's up?
BARRY
What's up?
MAX
Hi.
BARRY
Huh?
MAX
What. I'm sorry?
BARRY
I'll bring you to LaFrey if you. Let's go.
MAX
Oh. Okay.
BARRY
Follow me. Oh, God. Just, uh, this way.
LAFREY
This was taken five days ago at King Hill Farm, where every year they have a haunted hayride.
JANIE
What's up, y'all? It's Janie. We're about to do this haunted hayride. I hope it's not too scary. Help me!
LAFREY
The victim, Janie Quinlan, was pulled into the woods by an unseen force.
BARRY
And since the video went viral, the hayride has become a sensation. I've been four times myself. I have a discount code I'm not allowed to share. "SCARY20." All caps. You can. You can use it.
LEROY
Come on, man. Seriously? You all think this video is real.
ANNIE
No, it's totally fake. So, let's just pretend that we never saw the video and give each other nicknames. You can be Jack Fantastic. I'll be Lil' Cupcake. You're.never mind, I'm bailing on this.
MAX
No, no, no. Let's keep going. Um, I'll be, uh, Max Well house. I'm bailing on this, too.
BARRY
Wait, wait, wait. Call me Swamp Cat.
LAFREY
No. Max, Leroy. I need you two to go out there and talk to Janie Quinlan and find out what she remembers. Let's go.
MAX
Looks like it could be some sort of spirit orb.
LEROY
"Orb" a publicity stunt.
MAX
A publicity stunt? Did you watch that video?
LEROY
I did. Looked like a viral marketing campaign for an overpriced hayride.
MAX
Oh, my God. I feel so sorry for you. You know that's because you've been conditioned by society to assume the most rational explanation. Right?
LEROY
And you've been conditioned by comic books to believe in nonsense and gobbledygook.
MAX
Okay, fine, whatever. We are wasting time. We need to get to the Quinlan girl and talk to her before this happens to someone else. Let's go.
LEROY
We will. Just hold up. I need time to "digest" my thoughts. I'll let you know when I'm ready.
MAX
To "digest" your thoughts?
LEROY
Yes.
MAX
Little more. Little more time for that?
LEROY
Yeah. You're not helping by talking over me.
MAX
Okay. Okay, yeah, sorry. Sorry, go ahead. Go ahead. Leroy, I know that you're ready.
LEROY 
Oh, you know h.When I'm ready? You know my thoughts are digested?
MAX 
Uh, yeah, maybe I do know. Oh, you-you need to digest your thoughts?
LEROY
Yeah, I need to digest.
MAX
Ooh, maybe I.
LAFREY
Hi there.
MAX
Hey.
LEROY
Hi.
MAX
How's it going?
LEROY
What's up?
LAFREY
How is this going to work?
MAX
How's what gonna work?
LAFREY
This. You two. Two months in, and you're bickering like children. Because there are going to be a lot of outside forces trying to tear you two apart. And if you do not communicate effectively, your case work will suffer. And people could get hurt. Is that what you want?
MAX
Uh, yeah, no, um, I don't think that's what I want. I don't want that. I mean, uh, I think we're good here, though.
LEROY
I-I don't want that. I don. I mean, we I think we got this. We got this.
LAFREY
Okay.
BARRY
Guys, I've changed my mind, okay. Swamp Cat's dead. I want to be called "Sugar Barry."
LEROY
So no more Swamp Cat?
BARRY
No. 'Cause I'm sweet like sugar and my name's Barry.

LEROY
Got it.
MAX
What?
BARRY
Okay Okay.
MAX
Can you believe LaFrey? Questioning our partnership like that?
LEROY
Not cool. Don't ever question my communication skills, brah.
MAX
Hey, you have great communication skills.
LEROY
Thank you.
MAX
And, you know, I I mean, I feel like I have pretty good communication skills.
LEROY/MAX
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
MAX
Thank you for saying that. I mean, this. This is good. Right?
LEROY
I agree. Nothing stronger than the bond between partners.
MAX
Like solid oak.
LEROY
Like steel.
MAX
Yes, stronger than a freaking neutron star. The densest matter in the universe.
LEROY
Hm.
LAFREY
Max, it's Captain LaFrey. I've been thinking about what we discussed earlier, and I feel like you should be in charge from now on.

MAX
Uh, yeah, that makes total sense.
LAFREY
Don't tell Leroy.
MAX
Cool, cool. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, man, that was Chet. Ste. Chet Stetson. Old high school buddy of mine. Not a big deal. He just, uh, he just won Powerball and $9 million and he.
LEROY
Damn.
MAX
Yeah. He is. Very excited. 'Cause he can quit his job. Uh, as a condom maker. He makes condoms. And he hates condoms, too, so he's psyched. Good deal.
JANIES MOM
She hasn't spoken a single word in five days. She barely eats, refuses to go to school.
JANIES DAD
Normally, she's very social. She's always doing these long posts on her vlog.
JANIES MOM
We took her to the doctor, but he said nothing was wrong. We just don't know what to do. She's my little girl.
MAX
Look, it's okay. I'm gonna take care of this.
LEROY
We'll take care of it.
MAX
Okay.
LEROY
Janie, do you remember what happened when you were pulled off the hayride?

MAX
Yeah, did you feel a, uh, a rapid cooling, maybe? An eerie presence?
LEROY
Did you get a look at who grabbed you?
MAX
Or what grabbed you? Maybe a spirit or an apparition of some sort?
LEROY
Or a human being? A man or a woman?
MAX
What did it feel like when the invisible force took hold of you?
LEROY
Will you excuse me and my associate?
MAX
Wha. You know what, I would like to be excused as well. Just for the record. What?
LEROY
You're leading her. She's gonna say she saw something she didn't.
MAX
Well, you're limiting her. She's gonna feel like she can't be honest.
JANIES DAD
Sorry, you said you guys were from?
MAX
The National Amusement Park Safety Board Commission. NAPSBC.
LEROY
NAPSBC. You can be honest, Janie. It's okay. You can tell us what really happened, and you won't get in trouble.
JANIE
Perculsus elevor.
MAX
W What did she just say?
LEROY
I don't know. Ask her to repeat it.
MAX
Me? You're the one that's great rapport with her.

LEROY
Yeah, but she clearly prefers you. Come on. Go ask.
MAX
No, no, no. Hey, Janie. It's Max again. What's up? I was just wondering if, uh, you could repeat what you said to us. Maybe.
JANIE
No!
MAX
Okay, so she's talking again. So that's something.
LAFREY
"Perculsus elevor"? What the hell does that mean?
BARRY
Uh, it's a Latin phrase that translates to, "Though struck, I am raised."
ANNIE
Okay, I looked at the kid's school records, and she hasn't studied Latin a day in her life.
BARRY
Ugh, I'd rather send my kid to a circus than American public school.
MAX
Um.
LEROY
Well, we should probably.
MAX
Well, actually-actually, what we are going to do is.
LEROY
What-What we should, we should, we should be down there.
MAX
We are going to get out into those woods and look around for any unusual spectral activity. That is what we are doing. Thank you. That is it.
ANNIE
All right, well, this should help with that.

MAX
Thank you.
ANNIE
It's your standard EMF meter- that's electromagnetic field. It can detect energy changes.
MAX
Um, it's commonly held that spirits register on the electromagnetic spectrum. Sorry.
LEROY
Cool. I love learning about fake stuff. Now, here's what we're really gonna do - talk to the hayride employees, see if somebody knows something.
MAX
Why would they talk to us?
LEROY
Oh, they'll talk. They'll talk hard because they'll think we're one of them.
YOUNG BOSS
All right, gather around. Now, I want to take this as an opportunity to drop into character, okay? Let's put these bitches into therapy. Let's go.
CROWD

LEROY
Boo.
MOM
Are you serious?
LEROY
You don't know me. You don't know my life.
MAX
Ow!
BRO
I'm so sorry. I didn't expect that.

MAX
Well, what did you expect?
YOUNG BOSS
Ding ding ding. Got ourselves a bleeder. He get you good?
MAX
Uh, yeah, I think it's broken. Oh, thank you.
YOUNG BOSS
Well, congrats, man. That means you're doing your job well. What about you? That was weak. You know, I once scared Ellen DeGeneres so bad she dropped a loaf in her jeans. Want to know how I did it?
LEROY
Not really.
MAX
I do.
YOUNG BOSS
I internalized my character's backstory, okay. His murderous rage, his syphilitic madness, his unorthodox views on child marriage. And when grave robbers dug up his corpse, he, like any disturbed corpse, came back to haunt the living.
LEROY
Okay, but, like do people really come here wanting to poop their pants?
YOUNG BOSS
Ellen loved it. So did I. It was a total rush.
LEROY
Look, man, I don't need a backstory. I performed seven years at Knott's Scary Farm.
YOUNG BOSS
No way, you're KSF?
LEROY
'99 to '06. The Golden Years. But I want to do something really big here, you know. Like that viral video last week of the girl getting pulled off the ride. How did you do it?

MAX
Was it a specter? Like a spirit?
YOUNG BOSS
I don't know about that. A lot of weird stuff happens around here.
MAX
Well, hold on, where are you going?
YOUNG BOSS
Break time's over. We're done here.
MAX
W-Wait a second.
YOUNG BOSS
I said we're done, dude!
LEROY
What the hell is wrong with you? He was about to give it up, and then you started talking that specter crap.
MAX
He's obviously hiding something, Leroy. There is something in those woods. We are heading out there now.
LEROY
Is that an order, Lieutenant Jennifer?
MAX
Yeah. It is an order.
VICTIM

MAX
Whoa.
LEROY
What the hell was that?
MAX
I told you.
VICTIM
How'd it look? Did it look real?
HAYRIDE WORKER
So real, dude. People were freaked.
LEROY
Tale as old as time hayride workers stage accident for publicity and monetary gain.
HAYRIDE WORKER

BARRY
Do you get the vibe that one of them was maybe more into me than the other?
ANNIE
Um, it's hard to say. They both seem indifferent.
BARRY
'Cause I'm gonna shoot straight from the hip, kemosabe. I live in a mostly female retirement community, so I'm always on the lookout for new bros to bro-down with.
ANNIE
Uh, all right. Moving on. Do you see any other folders here labeled “King Hill”?
BARRY
Because if I focus my efforts on one, I run the risk of losing both. And let's be honest, Leroy is the big score here, although Max is a bit more attainable.
ANNIE
Huh. All right, here we go. So, it looks like the original owner of the property was a lower member of the British nobility, Byron King. Byron King. Where have I.
ANNIE
That's this guy. And look at the family crest "perculsus elevor." That's what that girl said.
ANNIE
What did you do?
BARRY
That wasn't me.

ANNIE
Then what was that?
MAX
Okay, maybe that one was faked, but you saw that girl's face. Do you think she was lying?
LEROY
Max. Buddy. This is not a great look for you. I mean, you're a good dude and all, you're just, you know, you're a bit of a sucker.
MAX
A sucker? Why? Because I-I-I think there might be a little more out there? Come on, Leroy, let's just stay a little longer and investigate.
LEROY
No way, Max.
MAX
You know what, I didn't want to do this, but by the power vested in me by Captain Ava LaFrey, I, Max Jennifer, command you, Leroy Wright, as your superior officer.
LEROY
Wha-W-W-W-Wait. LaFrey told you you were in charge?
MAX
Yeah.
LEROY
She told me the exact same thing.
MAX
Are you serious?
LEROY
Max! What're you doing?! Max! Max!
MAX
Leroy!
LEROY
Where the hell's my shoe?
LEROY
Max, you hear me? The hell is wrong with you? Came out here with two shoes, now I got one shoe. It's like having no shoes! Barry, why is your name programmed in my phone?

BARRY
Well, I-I applied a latex mold to your thumbprint, so I just sidestep- Look, that's not important right now! Listen to me! Where are you guys? Are you okay?
LEROY
Max just got dragged into the woods by something.
BARRY
Listen carefully, that property once belonged to Byron King, a man who hacked his entire family to pieces with an ax and was tracked down and killed in those woods! This could be an extremely dangerous spectral event!
LEROY
Or it could just be some woods. Ah! God Damn, that's a big-ass pinecone.
MAX

LEROY
Why you screaming in my face?
MAX
I don't know! I thought you were a ghost or something! Why you screaming in mine?
LEROY
So you wouldn't be embarrassed for being the only one screaming. I was doing you a favor.
MAX
Thanks.
LEROY
You all right? What the hell happened?
MAX
I don't know. I got dragged out here, there's, like, bones, there's a grave, it's crazy.
LEROY
Check out what Barry sent me. This dude Byron King.
MAX
He was chased into the woods by a village mob and killed? That must be Byron King. Someone must've hung his corpse in that tree.
CHILDREN

MAX
Um Leroy, who's that?
LEROY
Hello? Hello, who are you? Are you that little freak from the hayride? Hello?
MAX
Emf reader is off the charts. Dude I think he has an ax.
LEROY
You need to stay back.
MAX
Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.
LEROY
Stop right there. Don't come any closer! Damn. I'm out.
MAX
It's Byron King. Leroy, wait! It's just like the hayride kid said, any disturbed corpse haunts the living. We got to get these bones back in there.
LEROY
Max, we got to go!
MAX
Listen, I don't care who's in charge. I'm not even asking you to believe me. I'm just asking you to help me out. Come on! Just this once, as your partner.
LEROY

MAX
In the grave. Come on.

LEROY
You better be right about this.
MAX
Oh, man, he's coming!
LEROY
It's not working! The lid, put the lid! Put the lid on!
MAX
What? What?
LEROY
Close it.
MAX
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
LEROY
I could do this much better with two shoes. I'm getting no traction on my sock foot.
MAX

LEROY
You know you carrying me back, right?
MAX

LEROY
Why you laughing?
JANIE
What's up, Janie Nation! I want to thank my Janiacs for all your strength and support while I healed from my accident.
LEROY
Seems like she's doing a little better.
MAX
Got to admit, this feels pretty good.
JANIE
and just so we're clear, my ordeal was hella worse than Crista's fake ass "spinal injury." It's like, "Bitch, we know you can walk, get out of the wheelchair."

MAX
Okay, feeling a little less good.
LAFREY
So what happened out in those woods? Do you think that it was Byron King's ghost who pulled you out there?
MAX
Actually, I think it was a ghost of a family member of his who pulled us out there. They wanted him buried again.
LAFREY
And so, when you finally put King's bones to rest.
MAX
It must've freed Janie from the spirit's presence.
LEROY
And by the way, your little plan to pit us against each other? Didn't work.
MAX
Yeah. You know why? Because this right here. This is a little dynamic I like to call "partnership."
LEROY
Get your hand off me.
MAX
Yup. Sorry.
LAFREY
Well, how disappointing. Clearly, I had no idea what I was doing. Or who I was dealing with.
MAX
Unless you completely did and this was your intended outcome all along. Oh, my God!
LEROY
Look, I don't know what I saw out there. I'm just happy Janie's okay. Even if she is terrible.
JANIE
What's up, sluts!? How's my slut army doing? It's your slut lieutenant here, Janie Q, and first of all, I just have to say Cassandra's new se.

MAX
Ugh.
LEROY
Any way we can unbury those bones?
MAX
What did we do?