ADULT_EDDIE DAVE EDDIE EMERY EVAN GRANDMA_HUANG ICE_CUBE JESSICA KEVIN LOUIS MAILMAN MAN MIKE MITCH NANCY PRINCIPAL_HUNTER PRINCIPAL_THOMAS TYLER WOMAN ADULT EDDIE As a kid, there are things that terrify you. PRINCIPAL HUNTER Parents, thank you all for coming. We know you're very busy, but we felt we needed to bring this matter to your immediate attention. This man has been seen in the area handing out drugs to children and telling them they're stickers. PRINCIPAL HUNTER The children then proceed to lick the stickers and are then on drugs. PRINCIPAL HUNTER We are working closely with local authorities, but we also wanted to make you aware so any additional precautions could be taken. Yes, you in back. JESSICA When do report cards come out? ADULT EDDIE In my family, that's what terrified us. ADULT EDDIE My mom was singing at the restaurant because my dad thought it would help business. LOUIS Well, happy anniversary. Married 45 years. I can't imagine it. JESSICA Hey, Nancy! That coupon is expired. You have to check the date. LOUIS Literally, I can't imagine it. NANCY How'd she see that? JESSICA I see everything. JESSICA Okay, just one sprig of parsley per plate, please. It is a garnish, not a salad. LOUIS Okay. Thank you, thank you. Uh, the voice of an angel, the incredible singing lady. LOUIS There we go. JESSICA Okay. LOUIS Okay, okay. She's something else. Okay. What are you doing? JESSICA The restaurant has been open almost a month, and we have been losing money every day. We have to tighten up around here, or we will never turn a profit. LOUIS Is that why you clog half the pepper holes? JESSICA Oh, look at that guy, shaking away our profits like he's a pepper monster. LOUIS Look, if you're gonna help with the restaurant, we need to get on the same page, and my page says the key to success is to kill them with kindness. I've always -- JESSICA Shh! Did you hear that? Mitch, did you just take a crouton from the salad bar? Are you saying I did not hear a crunch? You are trying to dissolve the crouton. LOUIS Uh, Mitch, why don't you go see if any of the servers need help, okay? JESSICA Oh, hell, no. MAN Yeah. EDDIE You waiting for your report card? DAVE Yeah, and a birthday card from my dad. If it's within three weeks of your birthday, then it still counts. EDDIE I've got a forgery kit in my room. I'm gonna use it to change all my C's to B's before my mom comes home. DAVE Sweet. EDDIE Yeah. I'm not making the same rookie mistake I made last year. JESSICA Put your gym clothes in the hamper and take out the trash. EDDIE Okay, I will. Love you! JESSICA You love me? What are you hiding? EDDIE There's nothing in my backpack. JESSICA Oh, I know. B-minus! DAVE Is there anything else for me? MAILMAN Buddy, we talked about this. I would lead with the card. I'm rooting for you. EDDIE You ready? DAVE Yeah. EDDIE Yes! DAVE Yes! EMERY Mom! EVAN We got report cards! JESSICA Oh. Okay. What is this? EMERY Our school doesn't give out grades. EVAN It fosters unhealthy competition. JESSICA Plus/minus rainbow? One leprechaun? Two clouds -- That seems bad. EVAN No, clouds are good. JESSICA Clouds are rain. What are you, a farmer? EDDIE Domino! Straight A's, Moms! The one good thing about moving here is I have no friends and no distractions. That's why I got all -- Grandma, what does Fonzie say? GRANDMA HUANG "A"! EDDIE ...s. JESSICA School is too easy. EDDIE Just when you think you've won the game, this trick done changed the rules. JESSICA Eddie, don't call your mother a trick. You need to make school more challenging, or else my son will fall behind. PRINCIPAL HUNTER I'm sorry. There's not much I can do about a straight-A student. JESSICA Well, is there extra school? Where is the closest C.L.C? EDDIE Oh, no. PRINCIPAL HUNTER What's C.L.C? ADULT EDDIE Chinese Learning Center -- an after-school program for reading, math, science, and violin. ADULT EDDIE Look at them, the innocence. I couldn't hear them through the reinforced glass, but I imagined it was the sound of childhood. Enjoy your stick, white friends. PRINCIPAL HUNTER I'm sorry. We don't have a Chinese Learning Center here. EDDIE Yes! PRINCIPAL HUNTER But we do have an after-school program called Animal Encounters where we bring in farm animals for the children to play with. In fact, I have a baby chick in my lap right now. JESSICA Please put your lap chicken away. JESSICA I don't understand these people. It's like success is not important to them. MAN To Spencer and his four C's. JESSICA Unh-unh! Nancy, no wasting napkins. LOUIS Uh, but the lady at table six asked for it. JESSICA She ordered a salad. She does not need an extra napkin. NANCY My hands are tied. LOUIS Jessica, we talked about this. JESSICA It's a slippery slope. First, an employee pops a crouton. Next thing you know, they are wheeling ovens out of the kitchen. Same with the customer. First, they get extra napkin. Next thing you know, they run out on the bill. Same with the boys. First, they have baby chickens in their lap. Next thing you know, they are homeless! LOUIS You know, just because they don't offer C.L.C here doesn't mean you can't provide it for the boys. JESSICA Well, I'm not a teacher. LOUIS No, but you are very smart. I mean, have you ever met a "Wheel of Fortune" puzzle you couldn't figure out? JESSICA I always guess them. LOUIS Mm-hmm. I mean, you're way smarter than the teachers they had at C.L.C. JESSICA Some of them were not impressive. LOUIS Mnh-mnh. Oh, never mind. You can't teach the boys C.L.C. I mean, what would I do at the restaurant? You are so valuable here. JESSICA I really am. LOUIS Yeah. But we do have a crisis on our hands. Our boys did get straight A's. DAVE Oh, hey, man. Look what my mom got me for my straight C's. You want to play? EDDIE Does the yellow man like dumplings? We do, we do. Sorry. I put you in an awkward spot. Let me go get my breakaway pants so I can rip them off. JESSICA We're doing C.L.C. EDDIE But there aren't any in Orlando. JESSICA There is now -- homeschool C.L.C. I will be your teacher. JESSICA Time. JESSICA Eddie, focus! Okay, I need to start making dinner. Evan, you make sure that everyone does their C.L.C. EVAN Okay, teacher Mommy. EDDIE You're loving this. Teacher's pet and mama's boy. EVAN I'm writing you up. "Student -- Eddie Huang. Infraction -- not nice." EVAN "Student -- Eddie Huang." EDDIE This sucks, right, Emery? EMERY You play the cards you're dealt. Choose life, you know? EDDIE Aw, man, a trampoline? And he's using it inappropriately? DAVE Oh! EDDIE I never get to have that much fun. MITCH Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I was -- LOUIS No, no, it's okay. You can have a crouton. MITCH Is this a trick? Is she here? Is she watching us? Are you tricking me? LOUIS No, no. It's not a trick. It's not -- It's not -- MITCH It's a trick. There's cameras, right? LOUIS Stop, stop. MITCH Where is she? LOUIS Look at me. Mitch, when you're at Cattleman's Ranch, I want you to feel like you're being hugged by a matronly woman with chubby arms. MITCH That's how I want to feel. LOUIS See, I believe that happy employees are good employees and good employees are good for business. So how about this? You and I, we're gonna have a crouton together, okay? MITCH R-Really? LOUIS So I'm gonna take one, and you're gonna take one. Cheers. MITCH Okay. Cheers. Cheers. LOUIS Ding! MITCH They're pretty good. LOUIS Very good. MITCH I know that you aren't a matronly woman, but... LOUIS Bring it. MITCH All right. LOUIS Bring it, bring it. LOUIS All right. Okay, we're good. Okay. MITCH Okay. Just one more second. So nice. LOUIS Okay. You're a good man, you know? MITCH Thank you. LOUIS Okay. You're a really good man. MITCH Thank you. LOUIS Okay. MITCH Oh, that was fun. We should do that all the time. LOUIS No. LOUIS Whoo! Rough day at the ranch. JESSICA Is Nancy messing up the iced teas again? I told her it is 4 cups of water to 1 tea bag. LOUIS It is so hard to not have you there. But this is best for the boys. Our sacrifice will be worth it. EVAN Mom, Eddie's refusing to use the bathroom pass. EDDIE I'm not trying to use a pass to whiz in my own house. JESSICA Dinner's almost ready. You finish your C.L.C? EDDIE You know I didn't. JESSICA Dinner after C.L.C. EDDIE Dad, Mom is crazy. Can't you talk some sense into her? LOUIS Uh, well, you know, it's, uh, tough for all of us. I'm dying without her at the restaurant. Nobody's having a good time. Love you! ADULT EDDIE Love you? My dad never said that. My family loved each other. We just didn't say it. We showed our love through criticism and micromanagement, so if you said, "Love you," you were probably hiding something. LOUIS Okay. Here you are. MAN Oh, I'm okay. I don't need any extra napkins. Thank you. LOUIS I beg to differ. Boop! NANCY Hey, we have a jukebox? LOUIS I guess so. Hey, Mitch, go ahead and plug her in. MITCH Really? LOUIS Happy employees equal happy customers. LOUIS Ah. MITCH It's like we've been whisked away to Trinidad. EDDIE Aw, hell, no! EDDIE I'm too excited to pimp-walk. EDDIE Dad doesn't want you at the restaurant. JESSICA What? That's not true. Your father is struggling without me, but he is making a sacrifice for your education. EDDIE Ask him yourself. LOUIS Of course I want you here. It is awful without you. JESSICA I am very good. LOUIS Eddie's just making up excuses, probably to get out of C.L.C. JESSICA I will double his workload. LOUIS Oh, no. Got to run. I see Mitch eyeing the croutons. Love you! JESSICA Aw, hell, no! LOUIS Everybody having a good time? JESSICA If this jukebox uses 50 kilowatts of power at 11 cents per kilowatt and a 3-minute song costs 25 cents, how much money do we lose per song? EMERY 2 1/2 cents! EVAN 2 1/2 -- Aw, man! JESSICA And this is why I never plug in the jukebox. Boys, welcome to your new C.L.C classroom. MITCH Hi. Uh, may I get you some waters or perhaps a blooming onion? LOUIS Jessica, what brings you to Cattleman's Ranch? JESSICA I realize -- Why not have the boys do C.L.C here? That way, I can also help you at the restaurant. Unless you don't want me here. LOUIS Oh, no. Of course I want you here. JESSICA Good! Boys, C.L.C, this booth. If Mitch steals two croutons per hour and a 3-pound box costs $5, how many days till we are on the street? EVAN How many croutons per box? What are we paying in rent? How can I solve for "X" when I don't know "Z"? EDDIE Nerd. EVAN "Student -- Eddie Huang. Infraction -- slander." EMERY He's tough, but he's fair. JESSICA Nancy, what did I tell you about extra napkins? Also, why are we out of tea bags? LOUIS I don't want you here. JESSICA I knew it, as soon as you expressed emotions with words. LOUIS Why do you micromanage everything? JESSICA Why am I the only one who cares that we are losing money? I'm just looking out for our family. LOUIS So am I, but I'm doing it in a nicer way. You should treat people the way you want to be treated. JESSICA You think people are inherently good, but they are not. WOMAN I'm sorry. Could I just get my check, please? LOUIS No, I'm sorry. My son got straight A's, and I told my wife I love her. Please bear with us. We're going through a rough patch. JESSICA Look at that table. Look at that table. They are about to dine and dash. They've ordered the most expensive items on the menu. They've been there a long time, and they haven't paid. And that one guy is pumping up his sneaker. LOUIS I'll take care of this. JESSICA How? By killing them with kindness, showering them with napkins? No, you make them pay, then you kick them out. LOUIS I will handle this my way. Hello. KEVIN We're not done eating yet. LOUIS I know, I know. Look...I know what you guys are doing here. You're gonna dine and dash because you think it's fun and nobody gets hurt. But this is a family business. It's not run by some big corporation. TYLER I thought this was a Golden Saddle. LOUIS It's a totally different restaurant! The bears aren't even the same color. Look, if you guys run out on this check, it's gonna come out of our pocket -- me, my wife, and my three boys. MIKE You guys were really going for a little girl, huh? LOUIS Don't get me started. We were gonna name her Emily. KEVIN That's sweet. TYLER Aww. LOUIS Yeah. Look, the point is, we're not rich. In fact, we're struggling just to break even. So if you guys order more than you can pay for, we can work something out. TYLER Yeah, okay. I -- We're sorry. We're just being stupid. KEVIN And we can cover it. I got my dad's credit card. LOUIS Thanks, guys. I appreciate it. I took care of it. I talked to them the way that I would want to be talked to, and they got it. People are good. JESSICA Are you sure about that? LOUIS I'll be in my office. MITCH Excuse me, Mrs. Huang? Um, we were just talking, and we'd like to cover their check. JESSICA What? NANCY The table that ran out -- We want to chip in and pay their bill. MITCH Yeah, Louis would do it for us. I mean, he's a great boss. EVAN Mom, Eddie dined and dashed on C.L.C. Don't worry. I wrote him another infraction. EDDIE Oh, crap! JESSICA I will get to you later! KEVIN "Run out on this bill, it comes out of our pocket." JESSICA Hey. TYLER Oh! JESSICA Emery, go get that onion. I'm going to cook dinner with it tonight. EMERY Time me. KEVIN You hit us with your car. JESSICA You hit my car with your bodies. My husband is a good man. He believes in the good of people. I don't. But all his employees respect and admire him, which, uh, makes you start to wonder. MIKE My body feels cold. JESSICA I-I-It's shutting down. My point is, I don't want my husband to lose his faith in people. KEVIN Okay, okay. W-We'll pay our check. JESSICA You are going to do a lot more than that. EMERY I don't know why, but it's warm! KEVIN After we left, we thought about what you said, and we realized you were right. TYLER Yeah, what we did was wrong. LOUIS Really? MIKE Yes. You were right to see the good in us. LOUIS Did you have something to do with this? JESSICA What? Me? No. Okay, well, I'm gonna go make dinner now -- sliced beef with peppers and onions, maybe some rice, also. Love you! EDDIE I missed all the fun. LOUIS Hmm. Well, you know, most moms don't care enough about their kids to tutor them for two hours a day. EDDIE It was three hours. LOUIS Three hours?! My God, I Look, I'm not gonna lie. Your mom is tough. And she's never gonna let up on you or any of us, but it's because she cares. EDDIE Yeah. ICE CUBE [ Rapping ] I got to go 'cause I got me a drop-top. And if I hit the switch, I can make the ass drop. Had to stop at a red light. LOUIS You think you can beat your old man? EDDIE Dad, you serve people all day. You ready to get served? EDDIE Wait, I almost forgot. That felt good. LOUIS Bring it, bring it. EDDIE Aw! LOUIS Ooh, close. Ooh! Nice, close! Close. EMERY Mom said we can play. EVAN Nobody block my shots. LOUIS Come on, come on. EMERY Eddie! Eddie, pass! EDDIE Oh, hey. DAVE Is that your dad? EDDIE Yeah. DAVE Seems like a cool guy. LOUIS All day! EDDIE You want to play? DAVE Well, I was just gonna flip through sports games on TV and look for my dad in the crowds, but I guess I can wait. EDDIE Yeah, come on. LOUIS Come on. Shoot. Ooh, good. Good. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. ADULT EDDIE That's how it was in my family. We didn't do sappy "I love yous." We didn't have to. We just showed it. JESSICA Looks like we'll be going for academic scholarships. PRINCIPAL THOMAS And then an alligator sticker plus a cloud sticker equals an alligator with sunglasses sticker. JESSICA All right, so -- PRINCIPAL THOMAS Unless the cloud sticker is a rain cloud, in which case it reverts back to a bear in a hat. JESSICA Oh, right. So -- PRINCIPAL THOMAS Unless the bear's hat is black, which indicates a very high level of effort. JESSICA So... PRINCIPAL THOMAS Which is then rewarded by a plus/minus participatory rainbow, of which there are three intensity hues. PRINCIPAL THOMAS What'd your mom say? EMERY She gave you an alligator with sunglasses. PRINCIPAL THOMAS And to you.