ADULT_EDDIE ALL AMANDA BIANCA BROCK CAROL_JOAN CHUBBY_KID CLERK DEIDRE EDDIE EMERY EVAN GRANDMA_HUANG GUY_IN_HAWAIIAN_SHIRT HONEY JANITOR JESSICA LOUIS MARVIN MITCH NICOLE SIMONE TRENT VERA_DONOVAN WALTER WOMAN WOMEN ADULT EDDIE Orlando, 1995. Just as glamorous as it sounds. My dad moved our family there from D.C. so he could open his own restaurant, but business wasn't going quite the way he planned -- he planned to have customers, and he didn't. Moms was worried, too, about money and about fitting in with the neighborhood women. JESSICA So, "Melrose Place" is about prostitutes who are mad at each other. DEIDRE Yes. ADULT EDDIE The one person who never seemed to worry was my younger brother Emery. He blended in like a chameleon. EMERY My favorite movie's "Gremlins." ADULT EDDIE And Grandma and Evan were just hanging out, squishing bugs. And that's me, your boy Eddie Huang, still straight struggling to fit in at my new school. TRENT Dude, are those nurse's shoes? EDDIE Yeah, they're your mom's. TRENT My mom does happen to be a nurse, and she helps sick people get better. Can't wait to tell everybody the new Chinese kid wears nurse's shoes. EDDIE Walter's not wearing Jordans, either! BROCK He doesn't need to -- he's black. That's like built-in Jordans. WALTER This school's ridiculous. ADULT EDDIE They were jerks, but remember, this was 1995, before the Internet. I couldn't just search "Asian kids who like hip-hop." I had to figure out a way to fit in or be stuck eating lunch with the janitor and his kite. JANITOR I'm just saying, don't call it a seasonal fruit salad if it's nothing but melons. DEIDRE My famous tuna salad. ALL Mmm! CAROL JOAN Mac and cheese with bacon bits. JESSICA Stinky tofu. CAROL JOAN Hmm. DEIDRE That's exotic. AMANDA Hmm. JESSICA How is this fuller than before? Aren't you gonna try some? DEIDRE Oh! No. But I admire you for making it. It's that enterprising spirit that made Taiwan a world power in little league baseball. I watched a documentary about China in college. CAROL JOAN You guys, I am so excited for this year's block party. DEIDRE I am so excited about our karaoke number. CAROL JOAN Oh! JESSICA What's the party for? WOMEN The Daytona 500. JESSICA What's the Daytona 500? DEIDRE We watch cars race around speedways 200 times, stopping only for fuel or engine maintenance, and although the ultimate cup winner is decided by an elaborate points system, individual race winners can still celebrate by getting a grandfather clock or drinking a glass of milk. Caveat -- drinking milk isn't specifically Nascar, but auto racing in general. WOMAN Yeah, right. CAROL JOAN Mm. JESSICA Do you have any aspirin? MARVIN Hey, there, neighbor! LOUIS Hello, neighbor. LOUIS I'm Louis. MARVIN I'm Marvin. LOUIS Hello. MARVIN This is Honey. LOUIS Hello. HONEY Hi! MARVIN We just got back from a month in the Keys. LOUIS Oh, that's wonderful you took your daughter on such a nice vacation! Your dad is a good man. Listen to him. Stay in school. MARVIN She's my wife. LOUIS Of course she's your wife. She doesn't look like you at all. LOUIS Yikes. Oh, no. You're reading Stephen King. What's wrong? JESSICA I have nothing in common with these neighborhood women. I miss my friends back in D.C. We had such pleasant talks. JESSICA I guess I'm just lonely. LOUIS You'll make new friends. It just take time. And stop reading that book. Those stories always give you nightmares. JESSICA You know what gives me nightmares? Our bank account. Stephen King should publish my checkbook. EDDIE Mom, can I get the new Air Jordans? JESSICA Wh-- EDDIE Why not? They don't cost that much. My sneakers aren't fine. You never let me get anything! God! JESSICA Wh-- LOUIS I'm looking forward to when he wants a car. JESSICA And there's a point system, and then something happens with a clock, and then the winner drinks milk. LOUIS I love it. I love it. Okay, this block party is a great opportunity for us to network and promote the restaurant. When is it? JESSICA I don't know. There's a party-planning meeting tonight. I sent representatives. EVAN Look, Alice, I don't want to sound like a broken record, but why not a petting zoo? LOUIS We need to show people that Cattleman's Ranch has great food, you know? We got to generate a buzz to bring in the customers. I'll get a meat smoker. We'll give out steak and ribs. JESSICA No, are you crazy? We cannot afford to just give away food! The restaurant's not making any money. We can barely pay our bills. LOUIS Jessica, it's important to project the image you want people to see. If you want to be successful, you have to project success. ADULT EDDIE That's what I needed to do. I wanted to change the way the kids at school saw me, so I turned to the one person who could guide me through this -- Ol' Dirty Bastard. ADULT EDDIE That's it -- a hot girl was the ultimate status symbol. Even if I couldn't have Jordans, if I had a fine shorty on my arm – psss -- wouldn't matter. EDDIE Thanks, O.D.B.! HONEY Be right back! Taking out the trash! JESSICA Eddie! That's very expensive! If you want to waste something, you waste water! Do not throw juice! EDDIE Mom, get out of my fantasy. LOUIS Jessica, water doesn't project success. Capri Sun does. As does Cattleman's Ranch ribs -- great pork at a fair price. Come on, Fly Girls. Try a rib. Tell a friend. JESSICA This is not free, okay? LOUIS Here we go. JESSICA I am going to charge you all. ADULT EDDIE Dad saw an opportunity to promote our restaurant at the NASCAR party. He just needed to figure out what the hell Nascar was first. LOUIS Hello. Uh, do you have any Nascar videos? CLERK Car or truck, Cup Series or Busch, short track or road race? LOUIS I...Uh, which one is the milk? CLERK All right. Come on. EDDIE Come on. Let's go walk past the adult section and try to see inside. EMERY I thought those were the Westerns. EDDIE Only the sexy ones. VERA DONOVAN They die and leave their wives their money. JESSICA "Dolores Claiborne." VERA DONOVAN Sometimes, they're driving home from their mistress's apartment, and their brakes suddenly fail. VERA DONOVAN An accident, Dolores... JESSICA An accident, Dolores... VERA DONOVAN ...can be an unhappy woman's best friend. JESSICA ...can be an unhappy woman's best friend. HONEY ...can be an unhappy woman's best friend. JESSICA My husband doesn't like it when I watch Stephen King movies. He thinks I get scared. HONEY That's the best part. JESSICA It's my favorite part. HONEY I'm Honey. My husband, Marvin, and I are your neighbors. JESSICA Oh, I'm Jessica. It's so nice to meet you. HONEY Nice to meet you, too. JESSICA What happened to your leg? EDDIE I'm so hungover. JESSICA What? EDDIE Hey, girl, how you livin'? HONEY I'm fine. Uh, hi. I'm Honey. EDDIE Yeah, you are. JESSICA Eddie, stop acting weird. Go to the bathroom. We're leaving soon. EDDIE A'ight, mama. A'ight. HONEY He seems nice. EMERY What was that? EDDIE Phase one of my plan. I need the guys from school to see me with her. No one's gonna care I'm not wearing Jordans after that. EMERY But she's, like, a woman. EDDIE Exactly! A fine-ass woman like that leaning on me like in rap videos, that'll get me mad respect, son. CLERK And these Skittles are compliments of that gentleman over there. EDDIE Go on, girl! Taste the rainbow! LOUIS You know who win every race? The advertising companies. Little Debbie. I knew a Debbie once, but she was not little. She went by "Big Deb." JESSICA I'm going over to Honey's. I think I found a friend I actually like. LOUIS Oh, good. That's great. I told you -- it just take time. EDDIE Yo, Moms, you see Honey, ask her how those Skittles treated her. LOUIS Why are you giving women candy? EDDIE 'Cause they so sweet. LOUIS Go to your room. EDDIE A'ight, Papa. A'ight. GRANDMA HUANG At those speeds...it wouldn't take much tampering to get revenge on your enemies. LOUIS Hmm. JESSICA I don't know what this wife's problem is. If my husband had a big house like Jack Nicholson, he could put an axe in any door he wants to. Why? Because we have 500 other doors and a maze. HONEY Mm-hmm. JESSICA Oh, I can't believe you are actually eating my food. HONEY This is delicious. You know who's gonna love this? Nicole. Oh, that's Marvin's daughter. She's my stepdaughter. JESSICA Oh, that's nice. She's not even your real daughter, and you love her. JESSICA Oh. HONEY Oh, my God. JESSICA That scared me. LOUIS Hello. May I speak to my wife? JESSICA Look, Louis, I know you don't like me watching Stephen King movies, but this was on-- LOUIS No, it's not that. It's Honey. All the neighborhood women hate her. JESSICA Well, that's not true! Who tell you that? LOUIS Evan. EVAN It's true. They hate her because she ruined Sarah's life. JESSICA Who's Sarah? EVAN Marvin's first wife. Honey split them up. JESSICA Well, how do you know this? EVAN The party-planning meeting. EVAN "Sarah came home early one day and found them on the kitchen floor." EVAN "The floor that Sarah just cleaned." EVAN "No!" EVAN "Yes, girl." EVAN "Yes." EVAN Then Carol-Joan gave us a preview of the karaoke number. Not great. JESSICA All right, so they hate her. So what? She is the first person I have met here who I actually like. LOUIS Well, if they find out that you're friends with Honey, they could turn against you and the restaurant. EVAN They boycotted Rebecca Miller's nail salon because she copied Mary Jo's Jennifer Aniston haircut. You know, the Rachel. JESSICA Oh, my sweet boy, that's a lot of names. LOUIS Look, Jessica, you know more than anyone how much we're struggling. We can't afford to give people any reason to avoid our business. JESSICA Okay. You are right. It is not worth risking the future of the restaurant for somebody who I have just met. LOUIS Exactly. Pick any other woman to be friends with. Swing a cat, hit a white woman, be friends with her. JESSICA Because our number-one priority should be the restaurant succeeding, and LOUIS Aah! JESSICA Oh, you know, I thought I saw a ghost in the window, but there was not a ghost. I am fine. LOUIS And no more Stephen King movies! LOUIS You know, like our favorite sport, NASCAR, why not speed over to Cattleman's Ranch for great tastes at an affordable price? I-I'm just kidding. Drive the speed limit. But still, come. All right, when I say rib eye, you say steak! Rib eye! WOMAN Steak! LOUIS All right, we're having fun! EVAN Welcome! Food goes on the picnic table, which is over there where the petting zoo should have been. LOUIS Why aren't you handing out coupons? Who you looking for? EDDIE Honey. I mean, a honey. A honey woman. LOUIS Hand out the coupons, man. EMERY Hey, this is Simone and Bianca. SIMONE Hey. BIANCA Hi. EDDIE You have two dates? SIMONE Oh, it's cool. We're supportive of each other. BIANCA You'd think there'd be an issue, but there's not. GUY IN HAWAIIAN SHIRT Need any help with that? AMANDA Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope! Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Nope, nope. HONEY Hey! I just finished getting the house ready for Nicole. It's our weekend with her. Was Louis mad about the Stephen King -- JESSICA You know, I have to go. A wasp flew into my mouth. EDDIE Oh, hey, Trent. Check this out. EDDIE Yo. Coupon for one free hug? HONEY Sorry. I'm all lotion-y. EDDIE You know, I'm all about that. TRENT Dissed! Maybe you could borrow some of her lotion for that burn. DEIDRE She's cutting equally sized pieces because of communism. CAROL JOAN Oh. DEIDRE Isn't that right, Jessica? Because of the communism in your country? JESSICA Or I'm just cutting cake. CAROL-JOAN Anyway, we have some exciting news. We want you to sing the karaoke number with us. JESSICA You do? ALL Mm-hmm! DEIDRE Samantha's out. Her mother died. Here. Lyrics for you. LOUIS Can I interest you in some Cattleman's Ranch ribs? DEIDRE Ooh! LOUIS You know, Tuesday is ladies night. We have our special -- Melrose Plates...of Steak. LOUIS Here you go. CAROL-JOAN Thank you. LOUIS See? This was the right move. JESSICA It's good. MARVIN You know, I bet you it'd be real easy to sabotage one of those cars. WOMAN Yeah. Add the hip. HONEY Ooh! Are you guys doing a song together? JESSICA We were going to -- DEIDRE Yes, we are. We'd invite you to join, but it's more of a five-person number. You understand. HONEY Wow. Way to make a girl feel like Carrie at the prom, huh? DEIDRE I don't get it. Do you get it? JESSICA No, I don't get it. DEIDRE I heard she gave Burt Reynolds a tug and tumble when they were down here filming "Cop and a Half." EDDIE Care to dance? HONEY You know, I'm not really feeling up to it. EDDIE Oh, come on. It'll be fun. HONEY Perfect. I guess everyone thinks I deserve to be treated like some...home-wrecking stripper. EMERY Trouble with the ladies? EDDIE Dude, why is this so hard? EMERY 'Cause real life isn't a rap video, Eddie. LOUIS Boys, don't just talk to each other. Network. Hey, I like what you're doing here, but don't let your mom see. EMERY Look, Eddie, love is tricky. EDDIE Who said anything about love? I'm talking about women. EMERY You're just saying that 'cause you never been in love. Me? I love love. It's like everything goes in slow motion and you feel this pain in your heart. It's a good pain -- the pain of Cupid's arrow. EDDIE Do you know what woman loves us? Mom. Love is for moms. CHUBBY KID You guys are funny. I know I should wait 30 minutes after I eat before I go in the pool, but hey, then I'd never go in the pool. DEIDRE Hey, everyone! Thanks for coming out. As you know, every year, the girls and I like to do a little karaoke number for y'all when there's a lull in the racing action. DEIDRE And this year, we have chosen a song by a group called En Vogue. No, it was not a unanimous decision, but I hope the person among us... JESSICA She's eating my food. DEIDRE ...realizes their mistake, because pride is such a -- Uh...oh. JESSICA I have something to say. DEIDRE In Chinese culture, this is a welcome speech, or jianghuŕ. JESSICA Shut up, Deidre. I would like to dedicate this song to my friend, Honey. JESSICA Our friendship might be off to a rocky start, but just like the haunted '58 Plymouth in the classic Stephen King novel "Christine," you can't kill it. MARVIN Your wife has a beautiful voice. Is she a professional? LOUIS Uh, no, but she sometimes sings at our restaurant. LOUIS Uh, the address is on the back. MITCH Oh. DEIDRE I didn't know Asians liked karaoke. LOUIS That's my wife. LOUIS The voice of an angel. She's performing at Cattleman's Ranch. JESSICA This is not a duet. HONEY Okay, yeah. HONEY So, which kid is it? EDDIE What? HONEY Which kid do you want to see us together? This isn't my first rodeo. HONEY Ah. So, what do you need? Cheek kiss, hand hold? EDDIE Sensual hug? Full body, three seconds, chest to chest? HONEY You got it. EDDIE You'd do that for me? HONEY Your mom's a friend of mine. Come on. EDDIE Okay. Are they watching? Mm! TRENT Butt grab. HONEY Oh! Okay. All right. And we got it. Okay. EDDIE I'd never been happier than at that moment, which is why I didn't see what happened next coming. HONEY Hi, Nicole! NICOLE Hey, slut. Hi, Daddy. MARVIN Hi, sweetheart! ADULT EDDIE In that instant, I knew what my brother emery had been talking about -- the pain of Cupid's arrow. CHUBBY KID Watch out! EDDIE Aah. ADULT EDDIE Or a lawn dart. CHUBBY KID It slipped. JESSICA Eddie! Eddie, what did you do?! EDDIE Me?! I have a dart in my back. LOUIS Somebody call an ambulance! There's a hospital right near Cattleman's Ranch! ADULT EDDIE The block party turned out to be a great thing for our family. My dad was happy that we raised interest in the restaurant... LOUIS You were awesome today. JESSICA Oh, thank you. And you were...also there. ADULT EDDIE ...my mom made her first friend in Orlando... ADULT EDDIE ...and even though I was almost killed by a lawn dart, I was happy 'cause I met her. Yo, I was mad in love.