BACKUP_CATCHER BARTENDER BASEBALL_PLAYERS BASEBALL_PLAYER_1 BOY_LUNCH CHAZ_FRIEND CHAZ_JR CHAZ_SR CITIZEN_JANE CITIZEN_TOM COACH DAG DAISY EXPLOITATION_TITLE FEMALE_VAMPIRE_BANK GOTH_GIRL_1 GOTH_GIRL_2 JENNA KATHY KELLER KITCHEN_WORKER LEONARD LORELEI MALE_REPORTER MALE_VAMPIRE_BANK MALE_VAMPIRE_PARTY_1 MALE_VAMPIRE_PARTY_2 MALE_VAMPIRE_STREET MAN_BUS MAN_CAFETERIA MAN_ON_SET_2 MILAN MRS_MOSELY MR_KELLER NARRATIVE_TITLE NARRATIVE_TITLES NED PARMINDER PEG PEG_AND_SHOOTER PEOPLE_BANK PERFECT_BEING PETRA RACIST_CITIZEN RICK SHOOTER SLUSHEE_DOUCHE STUART SUBTITLE TEACHER UMPIRE VAMPIRESS VAMPIRE_IN_HALL WOMAN_PALWAY YOUNG_DAG YOUNG_NED ZOMBIE_PRIEST NARRATIVE TITLE welcome to dillford - home of the riblet DAG This is Friday night in my hometown. Those guys behind me are actually my neighbors. Holy shit. Oh, God. NED Brains. DAG So, why is everybody so mad? And how did I get stuck with these two freaks? Well, the aliens showed up. Okay, let me back up. NARRATIVE TITLE Yesterday... DAG I'm telling you, this thing with Lorelei is about to happen. I can feel it in my bones. PARMINDER Bones? Yeah, that'd be cool. DAG You're not even listening. You never listen to me. DAG ou're supposed to be my friend. PARMINDER What? Look, Lorelei doesn't like you like that. MAN BUS Keep moving. PARMINDER If she did, she'd have given it up by now. DAG I'm saying, I think she does. I feel like we're right on the cusp. She's been coming over to my house more and more lately. PARMINDER That's because she stashes her weed at your house. DAG How did you know that? PARMINDER Because her dad's a Christian Scientist and because everyone calls you her "weed locker." DAG No. DAG People really call me that? PARMINDER All the time. DAG Makes me look like an idiot. PARMINDER Pretty much. DAG And what do you say to them? You back me up, right? PARMINDER No. DAG Parminder. PARMINDER What? DAG That's your job as a friend, is to make look good when people-- PARMINDER Jesus. DAG Are you kidding me? Dude, you're a terrible friend. PARMINDER Okay. DAG Maybe she has me hold her weed as an excuse to keep coming over. PARMINDER Get the fuck away. DAG Did you think about that? PARMINDER No. DAG That's probably it. Her body language has been super cuspy lately. PARMINDER Well, if it's been super cuspy, then... DAG Hey-Hey, Lor. LORELEI Yeah, hey. PARMINDER Yeah, that cuspiness was palpable. DAG Shut up. MILAN Boo. PETRA Oh, God. Hey, Milan. MILAN Hey, Petra. How's it goin'? PETRA Good. How are you? MILAN Good. PETRA Mm-hm. MILAN Tonight's the night. PETRA Yeah. Yeah, I can't wait. MILAN Your first vamp party. PETRA Mm. MILAN You're gonna love it. PETRA Mm-hm. So, I heard that vamp parties can be, like, um, like, kind of rough. Is that... NED Hey, that's my locker. MILAN Fuck off. Look, if you're too scared, we don't have to do this. PETRA What? No, I'm not scared. MILAN That's my special girl. Come on. PETRA Okay. NED Hey, If I could just get in my locker. MILAN I said, "Fuck off!" PETRA Oh. MILAN Come on. PETRA We should-- VAMPIRE IN HALL Don't ever get in my way again, pussy. NARRATIVE TITLE V Harmony - Stake out your - Immortal Love NARRATIVE TITLE Vinks - 67 Sent - 0 Received KELLER Come on. NED Mr. Keller? KELLER The teachers' lounge. NED What? KELLER I'm in the teachers' lounge. Teachers' lounge. Teachers' lounge. Teachers' lounge. For the love of Pete. If you finish a pot of blood, please put another one on. Can we all do that? We can all do that. Look at this. NED Mr. Keller, I-I just had one quick question about my paper. I think there's been an error in the grading. KELLER Oh, let me guess. You think there's been an error in the grading because in your mind, you wrote a wonderful essay, yet you still received a failing grade. Is that it? NED That's correct. Um, and I'd like you to change it. KELLER Uh, don't you get it, Ned? Not everything in your life is under your control. Sometimes people don't do what you want them to do. Sometimes you vink at them and they don't vink back. NED What's a vink? KELLER It's a cruel world is my point. It's best you learn that now before you get the wrong idea. Okay? And the doughnuts are gone? The doughnuts are gone? Huh? We couldn't save one doughnut? Not one doughnut? No, I don't want your quarter of a doughnut! I want a full doughnut! Don't you dare. Don't you fuckin' dare! Unbelievable! Come on, man! For the love of shit! Goddamn it. NED So, you were saying something about deliberately misgrading my paper to teach me a lesson? KELLER Ned, I'm so sorry. It's just that most of the kids that go to this school, I mean, I-I would love to chain all of them to their lockers in a manner that would make sure that they would not escape. And then just roll sticks of dynamite. Like, old-fashioned dynamite. Just roll it down the hall and blow up the school. And then I'd spare a couple of faculty. Not this motherfucker. I should fucking eat you! But you, you're amazing, Ned. You're possibly the best student I have ever had in the ninety-seven years of teaching at this godforsaken shit-stain of a school. NED Wow. KELLER And that's the reason that I-I have to just strangle your dreams and break you as a being. KELLER This essay is a masterpiece, Ned. It should be framed and put in some museum that's dedicated to great essays. And I can't tell you how much joy it gives me that there's an F there. That F stands for "Fun." My fun. NED Um. DAG Dude, it's crazy. Like, when she's looking into my eyes, it's like time stops. PARMINDER She never looks into your eyes. Look, man, you need to just shut the fuck up and do something about it. DAG Okay, like what? PARMINDER I don't know. Go caveman on her. Just club her over the head, drag her back to your cave, and just-- DAG You're so violent. PARMINDER All right, well, then next time you see her, just grab her thigh. DAG Just grab her thigh? KITCHEN WORKER Enjoy your riblet. DAG This is Lorelei, okay? I'm not just gonna grab her thigh. PARMINDER You know what? Last weekend, I grabbed Kathy Murch's thigh. She sat on this face, bro. I gave her a nose job. DAG Okay, number one, I don't even know what that means. Number two, Kathy Murch is a slut. PARMINDER Man, stop judging people. DAG Unless you like her. PARMINDER I kind of do. DAG You like her? NED Can I get some gazpacho? NARRATIVE TITLE Vegetarian Option: Gazpacho NED There's no brains here. BACKUP CATCHER Would you look at that? DAG Oh, Jesus. CHAZ JR Oh, yeah! I'm definitely hittin' that. We're playin' you B-squad bitches today. I'll probably go yard at least twice and chicks dig the long ball. Hell, I'll probably go three times if Coach puts in that bitch, Parminder. PARMINDER I'm sitting right here. LEONARD Hey, Petra. PETRA Mm-hm. LEONARD I hear you're going to the vamp party tonight. I've always wanted to go to a vamp party. GOTH GIRL 1 That's because you're a total wampire, Leonard. LEONARD Am not. Can I come with you? We can take my dad's Kia. PETRA Yeah, I would, but I'm actually kind of going with Milan. LEONARD Shut up. LEONARD That's huge. GOTH GIRL 1 Oh, my God. Look at her face. She's totally gonna fuck him. GOTH GIRL 2 Yeah, you better jimmy up. PETRA If you actually knew him, you'd realize Milan's really sweet. BOY LUNCH Nice! MILAN Cockblock me again and they'll never find your body. CHAZ FRIEND Your brother is such a dickbag. CHAZ JR I know. NED Thank you. DAG The first pitch I'm throwing at Chaz, fastball. PARMINDER Burn it in. DAG Oh, shit! PARMINDER What? DAG Rick's here. PARMINDER Yeah, he's sponsoring the team this year. DAG Fuckbag fired my mom and every time I see this asshole, he brings it up. PARMINDER Come on, man. DAG Whatever. He probably won't even recognize me. RICK Here you go, son. The Malphasta Corporation welcomes you to the Wolves. Congratulations. RICK Hey! I know you. You're, uh, Peg Parker's boy. Uh, Bug? RICK Bag? Tag? DAG My name's Dag. RICK Doug. DAG Dag. RICK Yes, right. DAG Yeah, Dag. RICK Your mom was such a spark plug. DAG Yeah, she's-- RICK Peg Parker. What's she up to nowadays? DAG Uh, she's good. She's just, you know, around the house. RICK Oh. How long has she been unemployed? DAG Um, since she left the factory. RICK And why did she leave the factory again? Let me-- Wait, wait, wait, I think I have the answer: because I fired her. DAG Yeah. RICK Yeah, that's-- DAG You fired her. RICK She shouldn't have tried to unionize my zombies. DAG Yeah, can I get a uniform? RICK That's the whole idea. Thank you. DAG Can I get a fucking uniform? COACH Parker! RICK That was uncalled for. Come here, son. I want to talk to you. RICK Come here. Listen. I understand. You know, I remember what it was like to be in high school. It's tough. Especially for a...big, tall, freaky motherfucker like you. DAG I'm fine with it. RICK Okay. Okay. DAG I like my body. RICK All right. Let me help you out. A word of advice: stop concentrating on the negative. All right? Look at the bright side. You get to spend more time with your mom. And I...have a new secretary who I have sex with. With my penis. DAG Lots of people have sex with their penises. RICK Seeing as how I paid for this field, Coach Pulcifer asked me to come down here today and say a few words, so here I am. RICK I want you to look into the eyes of the boy sitting next to you. Go ahead, do it. And repeat after me. "You are not my teammate." BASEBALL PLAYERS You are not my teammate. RICK "You are not my friend." BASEBALL PLAYERS You are not my friend. RICK "You are my enemy and must be destroyed." BASEBALL PLAYERS You are my enemy and must be destroyed! DAG Chill, dude. RICK Winners and losers, boys. That's what makes America great. Look at me. When I first came to Dillford, the meat plant was underperforming and I drove an oh-four Ford Taurus. But now the riblet is the crown jewel of the Malphasta Corporation and I drive a red Porsche Boxster. DAISY Whoo! RICK How? I fired the dead weight and brought in cheap zombie labor. Why? Because I came here to win. Out of the twenty-five boys seated here today, twenty-three of you will go on to lead completely inconsequential lives. For the other two boys, it'll be a different journey. One of them will just drop dead for no reason. Poof. Nobody knows why. Heart attack, aneurysm, stabbed in the heart in a mall parking lot. Bang, gone. But the other boy, whoever that chosen boy is, he will be a shining fucking star like me. DAG This guy. CHAZ JR He's so amazing. UMPIRE Strike three! BASEBALL PLAYER 1 Let's go, let's put one in play. RICK Wow. Parker's got a rocket for an arm, huh? COACH Yeah. Best I've ever seen. Too bad he's shit under pressure. PARMINDER All right, let's go! CHAZ JR It's on. BASEBALL PLAYER 1 Come on, put one in there. PARMINDER Come on, man. Damn it. Dick. CHAZ JR Pay attention, Lor. I'm about to teach this bitch a lesson. LORELEI Teach him gently, baby. That boy's my neighbor. BASEBALL PLAYER 1 All right, Daggy! CHAZ JR Okay, nice boy, bring the cheese home. It better be Swiss 'cause I'm holy, baby. I'm holy, baby. PARMINDER Lookin' good, Dag. Lookin' good, man. CHAZ JR I'm gonna rape you. COACH Oh, Jesus. COACH Oh, my God. Oh, my God. COACH Say something. Dag, what did you do? Are you okay? COACH Oh, gosh. Okay, okay, we need to get him ice. Dag! COACH Dag! Oh, my God! COACH Okay, okay, okay. Okay. Okay, it's gonna be okay. CHAZ SR Rick, I'm still number one! COACH Okay. MALE VAMPIRE PARTY 1 Ooh! MALE VAMPIRE PARTY 1 Yeah! All right. MALE VAMPIRE PARTY 2 I went out and got wrecked. MALE VAMPIRE PARTY 1 It's in the car. MALE VAMPIRE PARTY 2 Cool. PETRA Wait, should we-should we go back to the party? MILAN No. I'm great right here. PETRA Yeah? MILAN Yeah. PETRA Wait. Is it gonna hurt? MILAN A little, at first. But then ecstasy. PETRA Yeah? What are you doing? MILAN What do you mean, what am I doing? PETRA You said you wanted to go all the way with me. I-I thought you meant sex, not that. MILAN Are you kidding me? MILAN I thought you were cool, Petra. PETRA But why don't you want to be with me my way? MILAN I already went down that road with Lorelei. PETRA You slept with Lorelei? MILAN Don't you get it? Lorelei had me for seventeen minutes. I'm offering you forever. PETRA Do you really mean that? MILAN Do you have any idea how long I've waited for a girl like you? Centuries. MRS MOSELY Honey, you're staring again. CHAZ JR The doctor said it would be off in a year or two, tops. CHAZ SR Two years? If you were a dog, I would put you down. Out of love and kindness. A mercy kill. Do you not get it? You got nothin' to live for. This is what you had. His life is over. MRS MOSELY Okay. CHAZ SR He's not a creature of the mind. He-He-He's physical. We're done. We're done, God, you hear me? We're done. I know you're probably thinking about killing yourself. I don't blame you. But don't do it because you might get better. If you don't get better, go for it. NED May I be excused, Mom? MRS MOSELY Uh, honey, I know that you're upset about Chaz Jr., but it's important that we stay together as a family right now. NED I didn't say I was upset about Chaz. Mr. Keller gave me an F on my paper today. CHAZ JR Whoa. Nerd Boy's getting F's and hanging out with zombies. MRS MOSELY Zombies? NED I wasn't hanging with zombies. She was just helping me with my gazpacho. CHAZ JR Why can't you just eat a riblet like everyone else? NED For the millionth time, I'm allergic. Besides, do you have any idea what's in a riblet? CHAZ SR Tiny ribs. NED Hormones, stimulants, tetrafluoraxipan. It's a chemical compound otherwise known as TXP. CHAZ SR Yeah, okay, Mr. Wizard, enlighten us. What's so bad about TXP? NED Leading cause of liver failure. CHAZ SR Who cares? NED Prenatal scoliosis. CHAZ SR So what? NED Diabetes. CHAZ SR Doesn't matter. NED Pain in the ankles. CHAZ SR Yeah, that'd be hard for sports and whatnot, yeah. NED Also, puff tongue! CHAZ SR Puff tongue? NED Yeah, puff tongue. CHAZ SR Puff tongue? NED Puff tongue. MRS MOSELY Oh, oh, oh, oh, how terrible. Just think of all those little kids with puffy tongues. What? CHAZ SR If this TXP stuff was really so unhealthy, they wouldn't put it in the riblets, now would they? NED It's what Saturn is made of. You know Saturn? CHAZ SR I know Saturn, a classy economy car. MRS MOSELY I'm so sorry about the F, honey. You'll get 'em next time. NED There's no next ti-- You know what an F does to my transcript? MRS MOSELY No. NED I can kiss my scholarship goodbye. CHAZ SR You can kiss college goodbye. NED What? CHAZ SR I'm sorry, but let's cut the shit, people. We're in deep trouble here. Do you have any idea how much this crapola costs? NED Doesn't insurance cover that? CHAZ SR Insurance is for suckers, Ned. From now on, when you're not in school, I'm gonna need you down at the car lot. CHAZ JR Dad, dickbag gets to sell Hyundais and I don't? MRS MOSELY Oh! I think that's a fantastic idea. NED I'm going to my room. CHAZ SR This one. Why do you think he left the room? MRS MOSELY He needs you, honey. CHAZ SR Because he doesn't want to talk. You got a minute? Ned, listen, I-I know that at times it seems like it's awkward between you and I. Well, I'm excited that the two of us are gonna get to spend more time together. NED You don't mean that. MRS MOSELY Yes, he does. CHAZ SR Yeah. I do. I-I really do. NED I mean, if you want, you can start coming to competitions. There's Mathletes on Saturday and then there's Odyssey of the Mind. And there's father-son NASA, which I think that you would really like father-sons. CHAZ SR Uh, no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. NED There's a lot of dads that go, though. CHAZ SR Y-Y-You're overthinking this. NED It's not like a thing or-- CHAZ SR You overthink everything. NED Maybe just the father-son NASA. You don't have to go-- CHAZ SR Now, look, right now I need you down at the lot. With the extra hours, if we're lucky, maybe Junior's dream of making the pros still has a chance. NED What about my dreams? CHAZ SR What-What dreams? NED Uh, well, for starters, I want to be an engineer some day. CHAZ SR Son, how many times do we have to go over this? No one rides trains anymore! You got to stop living in the clouds and get real. If it's not the lot, you can work at the riblet plant, be a meat bleacher like your mom. MRS MOSELY Yeah, I-I did ten years on the ammonia hose and I regret nothing. NED I don't want to work the ammonia hose or be a stupid freakin' Hyundai salesman. CHAZ SR Whoa! Slow your roll, tiger. Leave the Hyundai Corporation out of this. NED Stop telling me to slow my roll! Chaz Junior doesn't have to slow his roll! How come I'm the only one around here who has to slow his roll? CHAZ SR Listen, I understand we're all upset about Chaz Junior, but you-- NED "Ned's got to slow his roll!" Fuck Chaz Junior. MRS MOSELY CHAZ SR Fuck Chaz Junior? NED Yeah. Fuck Chaz Junior. CHAZ SR Nobody fucks Chaz Junior! MRS MOSELY Ned, don't go! Chaz! CHAZ SR Don't point your finger at us! Point it at your old friend, Dag! He's the one who threw that pitch! He's the one who ruined our lives! LORELEI Mm. I just love your waterbed. DAG It's-It's the best. LORELEI You know, I'm surprised you're still around. DAG What-What do you mean? LORELEI I mean that stunt you pulled today on the baseball field. We were all set to win State and, you know, Chaz Junior was gonna get scouted. DAG Yeah. LORELEI What were you thinking? DAG I-- I don't know. I guess...I sorta... I wanted to...like, impress you. LORELEI Really? DAG Yeah. LORELEI That's so sweet. Why would you want to impress me? DAG What? LORELEI I said, why would you want to impress me? DAG Lorelei, I...I think I might be in love with you. LORELEI Dag, you are the weirdest, funniest boy I know. I don't know what I'd do without you. LORELEI Sweetheart, you know I'm saving myself. DAG Be right there. DAG Are-Are you leaving? LORELEI Yeah, all this talking about sex is making me really hungry, so... DAG Yeah. Me, too. LORELEI I'm gonna go to Burger King. DAG Yeah, a Whopper sounds good. LORELEI Right? DAG Yeah, let's do it. LORELEI I'll smell you later. DAG Okay. Yeah? SHOOTER Uh... Uh. Oh. Dag, your mother and I don't want to encourage pot smoking. PEG Mm-mm. SHOOTER But we want you to know that we completely understand it. DAG It's actually not my weed. SHOOTER Very good. PEG Okay. Well, Dag... SHOOTER We get it. PEG That's what we're saying. It's Lorelei's and if it wasn't, well, whatever, whatever, whatever. DAG Okay, thank you for being so understanding, but in this case, you're not understanding correctly. SHOOTER Okay. Your mother and I understand what you're saying. It's hard to express how much we understand on a daily basis. PEG Really. Like, even-even fifteen minutes ago, we totally understood. SHOOTER Got it. DAG Really? I didn't know that you understood that much. SHOOTER Twice a day, at least. PEG Well, whenever. SHOOTER We're on an understanding plane. PEG ...-standing plane. SHOOTER Look at that. PEG It's like an ice skating rink. SHOOTER Both of 'em. Look at that. Look at this. It's like, I'm getting trails. PEG Wow. DAG Mom, is there anything else you wanted to talk about? PEG No. SHOOTER No. Oh. We wanted to, uh, talk to you about some of the changes that happen to your body as you get older. DAG Don't do that talk. SHOOTER The thing is, the men of the Parker clan, uh, well, we change relatively slowly. But, now don't be frightened, when the change comes, it is... PEG Enormous. SHOOTER Enormous. PEG Drastic. DAG No, no-no-no. No, no. PEG A lot of girls will be frightened. DAG Oh, my God. PEG In fact, it took me a while to get used to it, but it's big. SHOOTER It's a big change. PEG Wow. SHOOTER And the hair. PEG And it's SHOOTER Whoomp, there it is. DAG No-No, I can't, I can't do-- PEG Yeah. DAG I can't talk right now with you. I'm sorry. You know, everything's in order, so... PEG Yeah, we just wanted to talk about it. SHOOTER That's fine. Just... Later, alligator. DAG Okay. PEG Okay, Well, we'll just leave you to your marijuana, okay? DAG Bye, Dad. I'm-I'm about to get so high. PEG My little frowny clowny. PEG Beep, beep, beep, bo-beep, beep, beep, beep, bo-beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. PEG & DAG Beep! PEG I love you. DAG You are-- PEG All right. NARRATIVE TITLE risk of death beyond this point designated collar free zombie area JENNA Gazpacho boy. NED Oh, hey. You remember me. JENNA Sure. Lunch. NED Yeah. It was real cool of you to help me out today. Thanks. JENNA Oh. NED Is that your family over there? JENNA Yeah. NARRATIVE TITLE brains JENNA Dad, Mom, some guy called Steve. NED Well, it seems like you guys all get along. JENNA They're good. They share brains. NED Now, what-what's it like being a zombie? Do you get sad? JENNA Basically, I eat brains. And it tastes yummy. NED That must be nice. SLUSHEE DOUCHE Think fast, you zombie fuck! NED So, that didn't even bother you? JENNA What? NED That asshole just hit you with a slushee. JENNA He did? NED Yeah, he did. JENNA Uh, did he? JENNA Huh. NED You don't feel anything, do you? NED Okay, go ahead. Take a bite. JENNA What? Brains, not foot. NED Well, there's a brain in the foot. JENNA Brain in foot? NED Yeah, I put them in there for you. JENNA Foot brain for me? NED Bite it before they-- They're gonna-- I can feel them, they're gonna leave. JENNA Foot brain? NED Just bite the brain foot, okay? JENNA Brain foot. NED Hurry! NARRATIVE TITLE Call log empty NARRATIVE TITLE blood ration KATHY Petra, is that you? PETRA Hey, Kathy, how are you? Yeah, I actually don't need that magazine. That's fine, thanks. I think I'm gonna just leave. Sorry. KATHY Whoa. Never pegged you for a vamp, Petra. PETRA I'm not. KATHY Whatever. MILAN Hey, it's Milan. Leave a message. DAG Come on! DAG What the-- NARRATIVE TITLE The Dillford Gazette aliens! Arrival Stirs Up Old Tensions... Will Vampires Keep The Peace? NARRATIVE TITLE dead times ufo descends on dillford! did the humans invite the aliens here to kill us? NARRATIVE TITLE The Zombie telegraph brains?! EXPLOITATION TITLE welcome to the wolves' den RICK All right. Everybody, if you give me a couple of seconds, I will explain everything I know. CITIZEN JANE Who put you in charge? RICK I'm sorry. Do you own a riblet plant? No. No. Is that your sexy Porsche Boxster parked outside? No. Sit down and shut the fuck up. All we know so far is that the spacecraft arrived around eight p.m. on Thursday. CITIZEN TOM What do they want? RICK We don't know because we haven't made contact yet. CITIZEN TOM So why did they come? RICK That's just a rephrasing of the question you just asked. CITIZEN TOM H-How-- Wh-When-- RICK Look, people, we have no idea what the aliens want here, all right? LORELEI Okay, am I just high or is everyone here suddenly retarded? RICK For all we know, they just want to be invited to a night at Burt's. DAG Can't it be both? RICK I hear it's fun. LORELEI I'm gonna go smoke up in your car. RICK Anybody else? DAG Really? LORELEI Yeah. CHAZ SR You know, I have a goddamn question. If the vampires haven't made contact, why aren't there any here? NARRATIVE TITLE government Blood Bank KELLER But seriously, does anyone in this room doubt the possibility that the humans brought the aliens here to eliminate us? FEMALE VAMPIRE BANK No. Uh-uh. MALE VAMPIRE BANK No. PEOPLE BANK No! KELLER Nobody doubts that, right? They've been wanting to get rid of us for years. PEOPLE BANK Yeah! KELLER And now they found a way. CHAZ SR How many of you out there have had your-your wife or your girlfriend cheat on you with one of these cold-blooded ecstasy machines? Raise your hand. Don't be ashamed. Raise your hand. Okay, I see about fifty liars out there. KELLER They write books about us. MALE VAMPIRE BANK Yeah. KELLER They make movies about us. PEOPLE BANK Yeah. KELLER They dress up like us at Halloween. They're all wampires. Just vampire wannabes. PEOPLE BANK Yeah! CHAZ SR They can do without this planet, goddamn it. They don't need to breathe the air or drink the water. We're the ones that need to defend this planet! KELLER I read that they are putting garlic in our blood. And you doubt that they're workin' with the aliens? We're gonna go and make a preemptive strike right now. KELLER Are you with me? KELLER Are you with me? CHAZ SR We need to preempt their preemptive strike with a preemptive preemptive strike. DAG I thought this meeting was supposed to be about the aliens. CHAZ JR Aren't you listening, you idiot? It's all about the aliens. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! NARRATIVE TITLE jesus saves NED Why isn't he saying anything? JENNA About what? NED About the aliens? Hey. Hey, excuse me. NED Did you call this meeting for a reason? ZOMBIE PRIEST Brain rations no come today. NED Uh, do you think that maybe...it had something to do with the aliens? ZOMBIE PRIEST Aliens? NED Guys, brain rations didn't come...because nobody gives a shit about you. NED Yeah. Yeah. Aren't you tired of being dismissed? NED Just dismissed. Aren't you tired of being treated like nothing? NED Yeah? Well, why don't we do something about it, huh? NED Yeah. NARRATIVE TITLE warning Zombie Installation Ahead NED Unbelievable. No wonder you guys are locked up. CHAZ SR Bloodsucking traitors! CHAZ JR God, I fucking hate you! You're the worst teacher! Fuck yes! What are you doing? LORELEI What's crackin'? DAG Only the end of the freakin' world. LORELEI That's cool. DAG I'm not kidding. The entire town is murdering each other. LORELEI Well, in that case, I guess there's just one thing to do. DAG God-- Damn, that's a close shave. LORELEI I mean, I wouldn't want you to die a virgin. DAG Sex. We'll go to my house to have sex. NARRATIVE TITLES namaste i support vamp equality keep dillford weird DAG Let's go. PETRA Milan, hey. MILAN Just give us a second, babe. VAMPIRESS Okay. We'll be by the car. PETRA What? Hey, I think there's something wrong with your phone. PETRA I've been trying you all night. MILAN Yeah, Petra, look-- PETRA I mean, how messed up is this alien thing? I'm, like, freaking out. MILAN Truth is, Petra, I'm just not that into you. PETRA You're just not that into me? My soul is undead for all of eternity and you're not that fucking into me? MILAN Chill. Or I'll rip your face off. PETRA Just tell me why. Why did you sleep with Lorelei but bite me? MILAN Lorelei's a nasty freak with the body of a porn star. I'm having sex with that. PETRA You said I was beautiful. Right? MILAN I see veins like that, I say a lot of things. It's that pale skin, P. You're like a walking pop machine. Come on. MILAN See, baby? MILAN Being a vampire ain't all bad. PETRA You're such a dick. Oh, for fuck's sake. DAG Oh, no! No way! LORELEI So, are we gonna do this? Or what? DAG What? Dear God. Okay. Okay. Yeah. We got to be quick. LORELEI That's probably not gonna be an issue. DAG Lorelei, don't go! DAG Lorelei, come on! Come on. LORELEI Jeez, man, where's the fire? LORELEI Holy shit! DAG No! Lorelei! CHAZ SR Bring it, bloodsuckers! Fuck you! Fuck you, too! DAG Oh! Oh! LORELEI Holy fuck, Mr. Mosely. That was awesome. CHAZ SR Awesome? Hell, I've been training for this since you were in Huggies. Bowflex, Soloflex, coed capoeira. It's all paying off. Now, come with me if you want to live. CHAZ SR Holy shit! CHAZ SR Oh, God! No! Please! Oh, God! The zombies are eating me! DAG S-S-Stop! K-K-- CHAZ SR The zombies are eating me! DAG No, no, no, stop eating him! CHAZ SR I'm a zombie all-you-can-eat buffet. Oh, God! LORELEI God, I'm gonna be sick. CHAZ SR Why won't I pass out? CHAZ SR God, please let me die. He just put some intestines back and took different intestines! What the fuck does it matter? DAG Why are we still watching? LORELEI I don't know. CHAZ SR They ripped off my arm! That was my bowling arm. They're eating my bowling arm. I'm dying. This is it. MALE VAMPIRE STREET Humans, over there! Let's get 'em! DAG Run. CHAZ SR The fuck? I came back to fuckin' life! PETRA "...porn star, but you're really, um, all pale and veiny." Fuckin' pale and veiny. God, you fucking prick. You stupid slut, Lorelei. Motherfucker. DAG Holy shit! Holy shit! Shh. Shh. LORELEI Shh. DAG Shh. Good boy. LORELEI Shut the fuck up. DAG That's a good boy. Shh. LORELEI That's a good boy DAG Quiet, quiet. NED Brains. Brains! DAG No! No! LORELEI Dag, help me! Dag! DAG No, no. DAG Oh, oh! NED Brains. DAG Bring it, fuckers. PETRA Really? "Bring it, fuckers." That's the line you're going with? DAG Shut up! DAG Holy... PETRA ...fucking... NED ...brains. DAG I'm gettin' the hell out of here. Mrs. Miller, are you in there? PETRA How did you know this was here? DAG This is my piano teacher. Mrs. Miller, please open up! They're coming! STUART Hey, hey, this is Stuart Miller, her son! And I know they're coming! I've been predicting a vampire attack for ten years! DAG Stuart, Stuart, hey, it's Dag. It's not the vampires. It is the aliens. Open up the goddamn door, Stuart. STUART It's-- It's aliens? From a-- Okay, listen. Has anyone tried, like, singing to them or playing, like, a song and then maybe they play a song back? DAG They don't seem open to any kind of music or anything like that. STUART Okay, has anyone stayed around long enough to, like, see a-a bowel movement? Maybe we get processed through their body and then they-they-they crap us out as higher beings. It would be-It would be disgusting to us, but for them, that could just be a cultural norm. DAG Open up the goddamn door, Stuart! STUART Wait a minute. How do I know that you're Dag and not an alien wearing Dag's skin as some kind of meat suit? DAG Uh, my mom's name is Peg. I have dark hair. I really like, uh, miso soup. STUART "Meep, map, morp, I'm an alien." That's what I'm hearing right now. DAG I'm speaking English. STUART Listen, hey! Pop quiz. What was the memorable thing that happened during your sixth grade piano recital when you were halfway through Erik Satie's Gymnopédies Number Three? DAG All right, I shit my pants! And you said you'd never seen a boy shit so much! STUART The Dillford Shitter. It's him. PETRA Oh, God. DAG Okay. STUART Come on, come on, come on. DAG Okay. STUART Let's go, let's go, let's go. Everybody in, come on. DAG Thank you for believing me. STUART Come on. Come here, come here, come here. DAG It's great to see you. STUART Okay. DAG Oh, dude. STUART Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. DAG No, no, no, no! It's-It's good. It's all good. PETRA I'm Petra. STUART Uh-uh. No-No. If I'm gonna have a succubus and a shambler in my command bunker, we're gonna set a couple of ground rules, okay? I'm alpha dog. Nana is alpha female. You're number three, then the girl, then the re-the retard. DAG Great. Good order. STUART Okay. I feel very uncomfortable saying this, but, um, we...we may have to breed. PETRA Uh-- Is he looking at me? STUART Son, did you lock the trap door? DAG On it, sir. STUART Let's go! Assholes and elbows! Code Blue, Nana. Code Blue, Nana. DAG Hey, Mrs. Miller, after all this is done, I'd love to start taking lessons again. DAG What the shit? What? No, no, no, no. PETRA Oh. Oh. Sorry. DAG "Sorry"? You ate the Millers. PETRA Yeah, I know. They were just standing there. We were like, "Should we?" PETRA Dag, don't be ridiculous. DAG I'm not being ridiculous. You're being ridiculous. You killed my piano teacher. PETRA That was then. This is two minutes from then. DAG You killed Lorelei, too. PETRA Well, guess what? We're all you've got now. It's just you and me and him. If one of us dies, we all die. DAG He's still eating my piano teacher. PETRA Oh, shit. No, no, Ned. Drop it. Drop-Drop it. DAG This is so fucked. PETRA Jesus. What do you think they're doing up there? That's okay. I can talk. Do you remember the last time we were in a basement together? PETRA It was sixth grade. Uh, Greg Sheffler's party. Remember? We played seven minutes in heaven. You told everyone you touched my boobs. DAG I don't think that that happened, per se. Probably t-Probably did touch them. PETRA No, you didn't! You just walked around calling yourself "The Titty Whisperer." DAG I don't call boobs titties. PETRA Of course. So where did they get it into their minds that you had whispered to any boobs or any titties? DAG Because we had to whisper downstairs and everybody assumed there would be titties because you are the girl and I'm the guy and usually the girl takes her titties out and the guy usually touches them. That's how it goes. PETRA Do you want to know what everybody called me? DAG What? PETRA They called me a slut. You remember that? Hello? DAG Okay, I'm sorr-- PETRA Do you remember that or not? DAG Petra, I'm sorry. It was sixth grade, I didn't know what I was doing, and I'm sorry. PETRA It's fine. I probably didn't have any titties to whisper to anyway. DAG Nobody did. DAG It was dark in that laundry room, but I remember something. PETRA So, who are you these days? DAG I don't know. How-How do you even answer a question like that? PETRA Are you a jock? DAG Hardly. PETRA Well, all I know about you is that you grew, like, six inches one month. DAG Yeah, that hurt my knees. PETRA Are you a stoner? DAG Not really. That was Lorelei's thing. PETRA Right. 'Cause it must have been so tough for her to get through the day with-with her mermaid hair and her gumdrop ass. DAG Lay off her. You killed her. Isn't that enough? PETRA You really cared about Lorelei? DAG Yeah, I did, actually. PETRA So, why did you hesitate? DAG Hesi-- Hesitate? PETRA On the stairs. When I grabbed her, you hesitated. DAG I didn't hesitate. You're thinking about the moment when I-when I have to process the whole-- PETRA Look. All I'm saying is that when you really care about somebody, you don't hesitate or process. You just jump right in. DAG Oh, just jump right in? I guess that's how you made the genius decision to become a vampire. PETRA I don't want to talk about that. DAG Oh, you don't want to talk about that? Well, I guess we were-we were having a pretty good conversation, we were really getting it going, and then you just don't want to talk about it? Okay. All right. Well, then I'm just gonna talk to the Millers then. Are you guys doing okay? Can I get you, maybe, a milkshake or a bowl of cereal? DAG Are you seeing this? PETRA You're the worst. DAG What? PETRA Oh-ho! DAG No! PETRA Oh, I love this song. DAG I hate this song. Please. PETRA You hate this song? DAG Turn this off. PETRA Who hates this song? Look. Even Ned loves this song. DAG No. This song makes me think of my parents when they go into their bedroom to smoke weed and probably have sex. PETRA Your parents smoke weed? Wow. That's really cool. DAG It's not cool. You probably only think it's cool 'cause your parents don't. PETRA Yeah, but my parents are dead, so they can't. Oh, don't sweat it. It happened, like, a million years ago. NED Parents. PETRA Did he just say "Parents"? DAG It's the brains. If he doesn't eat 'em, he gets smarter. I took Bio of the Undead last year. NED Stupid parents. PETRA Wh-What? Did he-- DAG No, no! I-I-It's-- His parents are kind of a sore subject. PETRA I didn't know you guys were friends. Oh, I get it. Like, you used to be friends, right? PETRA What happened? DAG We just drifted apart. PETRA Mm-hm. You got cool and decided to ditch him? DAG It's not what happened. I wouldn't do that. PETRA Well, at least you lucked out in the parents department. DAG I didn't luck out. My parents are insane. They're like perfect parents. My dad's a child psychologist. My mom's just a parent, doesn't do anything but care about her son. They do guitar duets and they want me to sing along to 'em. We, like, make our own ice cream every Sunday. We have to have family yoga on Saturdays. PETRA Pure hell. DAG A lot of families do that. PETRA Yeah. DAG That's super normal. PETRA Oh, boo-hoo. NED Boo-hoo. DAG Oh, it's a joke? PETRA No. You were just listing beautiful things. DAG You know something? My parents, probably dead now too. PETRA Sorry. I'm really hungry. DAG No, I'm sorry. I'm-I'm losing my mind in here a little bit. I've been in here way too long. PETRA I know. DAG Can I ask you a personal question? How long can you go without blood? PETRA No idea. But hey, while we're being honest with each other, I should probably tell you, I keep wondering why it is I don't just drink you. DAG 'Cause I'll spear you in the tits. PETRA Yeah? DAG Yeah. PETRA He'll eat your brains. NED Brains? DAG Chill out! No. All right, look, we got to go to my parents' house and I want to see if they're alive. PETRA I can't go anywhere until I eat. DAG Then we'll go to the high school. It's on the way. We'll get food and we'll get blood there. And then we'll go to my house. PETRA Okay, fine, great. So we do that and your parents are alive. Then what? There's still an alien apocalypse going on. DAG Ned. Look, if we starve him of brains, he'll get smarter. DAG So we stay alive long enough for him to figure out how to get rid of these aliens and save everybody's lives. That's a plan, right? PETRA Uh, I mean, it's, uh, it's plan-ish. PETRA What do you see? DAG Nothing. I think we're clear. Whoa, whoa. DAG Oh, shit. PETRA What-What did you see? Oh, no. DAG It's one of them. It's one of them. PETRA Okay, did he see you? DAG Yeah-Yeah-Yeah. PETRA Okay. DAG No-No-No. No-No-No. DAG Whoa, whoa! PETRA Go! DAG Back door, back door! Go, go! PETRA No. Fuck, it's locked! DAG Just-Just use your vampire strength. PETRA Wait, what are you, twelve? There's no "vampire strength." Ow! Ow! Whoa! Okay, go. Ned! Okay. DAG What? PETRA Oh, shit. I'm a vampire. DAG Whoa! Whoa-Whoa-Whoa. DAG Oh, okay! PETRA Oh, my God! DAG Okay, okay. DAG It's okay, it's okay. DAG Okay. PETRA Okay, okay. DAG Cover your head. Cover up! PETRA Okay. DAG Okay. NED Aliens. NED Aliens. PETRA Yeah, we're good. DAG Okay. All right. PETRA Okay. I'm okay. Good. Mm-hm. Okay. Don't you wear underwear? DAG Shut up. It bunches. NED Aliens! DAG Whatever happens, we meet back at the high school, okay? PETRA Okay, okay, okay. Ned! DAG Whoa. PETRA Dag? Dag? Shit, he should have been here by now. PETRA Are you okay? NED I think I might be having withdrawals. PETRA Withdrawals from brains? NED Yeah. PETRA Oh, that's messed up. DAG Open up! PETRA Oh, shit. DAG Open it! PETRA Damn it. DAG Whoa, whoa, whoa. PETRA You scared the shit out of us. DAG Nice to see you, too. Can I have my clothes back before an alien spikes my asshole? PETRA Yeah, yeah, yeah. NARRATIVE TITLE V Block PETRA I wish I would have had this earlier. So, what happened? I thought maybe the aliens got you. DAG No, it was weird. It's, uh-- They were all around me, but they just kept passing me by like they couldn't see me. NARRATIVE TITLE vamp slut NED They couldn't see you because you were naked, dumbass. DAG What? NED It's highly likely their vision can only detect inorganic matter. That's my theory, anyway. PETRA Oh, Ned. DAG We need to eat. NED I got to get me some brains. DAG Now, what happened to you, Ned? I mean, how does the smartest kid in school get bitten by a zombie? NED It's pretty easy, actually. DAG You got bitten on purpose? DAG Why would you do that? NED You know, I used to worry about everything, you know? Gettin' straight A's, my dad. Now I just slow my roll, you know? DAG You just, like, threw it all away to space out? That's weak. NED It's funny. We haven't talked in years. Suddenly he gives a shit that I'm a zombie. DAG What was I supposed to do, spend all of high school with you, playing Minecraft and hacking the school's servers? NED Oh, as I recall, you thought hacking was pretty cool! DAG Yeah, Minecraft and freakin' DoS attacks were cool! NED Yeah, so cool. DAG In seventh grade. NED "We're hackers, Ned." DAG But I'm not gonna spend all of high school getting my ass kicked in Loserville! All right? Where are you going? Come on, don't be an asshole. NED You're an asshole! DAG I'm-- I'm an asshole? NED Yep. DAG Asshole. PETRA What-- PETRA Dag? Dag, are you in here? Are-- Hello? Hey. What are you doing in the old boiler? DAG Nothin'. PETRA Okay. DAG No, wait. Oh. Great. Now we're both stuck in here. PETRA Oh. DAG Cool. DAG Is this funny to you? PETRA Yeah, a little. I was coming in here to thank you, you know, for saving my life back at the Millers'. DAG Well, you're welcome. PETRA And I'm sorry for killing Lorelei. DAG Thank you. I mean, what am I supposed to say to that? PETRA I don't know, Dag. I'm tryin' my best here, okay? DAG Okay. PETRA Hey, maybe you could admit that Lorelei was sort of a raging bitch. DAG Yeah, I mean, she was a little bit of a bitch, but I really liked her. DAG I did. PETRA Fuck. You know, while you were busy really liking her, she was busy really fucking my boyfriend. DAG But she was a virgin. PETRA Wow. Yup, that's perfect. So, Lorelei screws Milan and ends up the coveted virgin, but I get bitten and I'm a slut for life. DAG That's not-That's not what I meant. I-I-I'm sorry. PETRA That's why I bit her, okay? I saw her and I just snapped. I know I shouldn't have done it, but I did and I'm sorry. DAG Okay. Okay, okay. PETRA I can't believe that I'm that girl for eternity. DAG No, no, no. You're not. You're not. PETRA I am. DAG It's dark in here. It reminds me of Greg Scheffler's laundry room. PETRA So...the only question is, are you going to chicken out? PETRA Okay. DAG It'll be all right. Wait, wait, wait. PETRA What? DAG Wait. I've never done this before. PETRA You mean the Titty Whisperer's a virgin? So am I. Don't say, "Really?" DAG I was gonna say, "Really?" DAG Wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh. PETRA What? DAG Shhhhh-- PETRA What's happening? DAG Oh. Ah. PETRA You-- DAG I did-I did it. Oh, wait. PETRA Oh. DAG Sh-- Ah. PETRA I get you that excited? DAG Yes. PETRA Come here. DAG Are we continuing? PETRA Oh, yeah. DAG Oh. Do-- PETRA Hm? DAG Do you want me to do anything? PETRA No, just shut up. DAG Ah, ow. PETRA What? DAG Wait? Did, uh, did you get me? PETRA What? No, I don't think I did. DAG Uh. No-no-no, it's okay. PETRA No. DAG It's o-- I just-- I was scared I-I might have gotten-- PETRA No, I would never do that. DAG Okay, okay. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. PETRA No, no, no, no. DAG No. PETRA This was a mistake. DAG Look, Petra, I'm fine. PETRA Just-- No, you are a coward. DAG Look, I'm so-- I'm fine. PETRA No. DAG I'm fine. Petra! Wait! You could jump out this whole time? She could jump out this whole time. I'm such a dick. NED I totally agree. DAG Ned? NED Yeah. Wow. First guess. Very impressive. DAG How much of that did you hear? NED Just enough to know you're still a virgin. Have fun being a virgin. DAG Fuck off! NED All right. Do you need me to get you some clean underwear while I'm fucking off? DAG Petra? Petra? Petra? DAG Petra. Hey. Listen. Can we please talk? PETRA Don't touch me. DAG Please. PETRA Look. NED Yeah. That's what I came to tell you guys. It seems like they're searching for something. We have to leave town. DAG No. No, we're going to my parents' house first. PETRA Wait. The aliens can't find us if they can't see us. Right? DAG What? NED FYI, my dick is bigger than yours. DAG Come on, Ned. You're such a dick. PETRA Hm. DAG We said we weren't gonna look. NED I lied. PETRA Oh! DAG Oh. PETRA Oh, great. Okay, let's go. DAG Let's go, let's go. Run! Ned, come on! PETRA You guys, hurry. DAG Come on. Go, Petra. Come on, come on, com on. DAG Mom? Dad? Mom? Dad? Mom, it's Dag! Are you guys here? Mom? Come out. Please come out. MALE REPORTER From satellite images, it appears as if all townspeople in Dillford DAG Do you hear that? NED Where? DAG The basement. Wait. Dad! MALE REPORTER ...the citizens of Dillford for days now. DAG Guys! MALE REPORTER But it appears as if the alien forcefield, in addition to blocking the town out from all aid, has also disrupted all PETRA I'm sure they're alive. DAG They're not. They're not. They're not. PETRA Ned. No, Ned! No! DAG You all right? No! Ned! PETRA Get out! DAG Ned! DAG Ned! No! DAG He's gone. DAG He tried to save me. That's why he's dead. I don't even have the guts to talk to him at school or help him out when some asshole trips him. PETRA Hey, come on. That's not your fault. That's high school. DAG No. You were right. We didn't just drift apart, I ditched him. His dad used to force Ned to be on the team. Back when he was trying to mold him into a new Chaz Jr. And so Ned finds himself out there, in deep left, last inning, last game. And I'm on the mound and I serve up this meatball. And the kid hits the snot out of it. It's like this thing has eyes for where Ned's standing. And right at the moment of truth, it's about to hit Ned's glove and, boom, Chaz Jr. just obliterates him and grabs the ball like it's nothing. Game over. Mosely Auto wins. Everybody mobs Chaz Jr. And I remember lookin' out into the outfield grass and Ned's still there, just lookin' for his glasses. That's the thing. He didn't-- He never got a chance. It's not like he dropped it. He-He never got a chance. PETRA Yeah. I never really knew Ned until he was a zombie. But he was kind. And he was brave. And he had a huge cock. DAG Ashes to ashes. We'll miss you, Ned. NED Nice speech, douchebag. I preferred Petra's. DAG Ned! PETRA Are you okay? Oh, my God! Sit down, here. DAG What-- Shit. We thought you were dead. NED I wasn't dead. I was dematerialized and reassembled. DAG Is everyone alive? A-A-Are my parents alive? NED I don't know. You must have killed the alien before it could send me to the right place. So, instead of going where everyone else went, I ended up at the Little Caesars on Lakeview. PETRA What? DAG What do we do now? NED We give the alien what they came for. Think about it. Whoa. Why would they pick Dillford? PETRA Uh... NED What's the one thing our town's known for? You're around it every day. PETRA Wait, riblets? DAG They flew a billion miles for a great sandwich? NED They want what's in the riblets. DAG Little ribs? NED Tetrafluoraxipan. DAG What the hell is that? NED It's the chemical that Malphasta uses to make horse cartilage taste like real meat. That's what they want. PETRA What? How are you so sure? NED 'Cause look. DAG Oh, no! PETRA Oh, my God. DAG Oh, no, no. NED Why is that so gross? My face has been melting for a day. DAG There's puss. There's Pu-- Oh. Sh-- PETRA Oh, my God, that's horrible. DAG Ned. Oh, God. PETRA Don't-Don't, Ned. Please put it away. NED It's an allergic reaction from when the alien grabbed me. And you know what I'm allergic to? PETRA Tree nuts? DAG Dairy. Te-- PETRA Ragweed? DAG Tarragon? NED Tetrafluoraxipan, guys. I thought I was spoon-feedin' you guys. I really thought-- You didn't-- PETRA Yeah. DAG That was easy. NED Look, all we got to do is give the alien this chemical and they'll leave us alone. DAG Come on. Get over here. Rick, are you there? RICK Dougie, is that you? PETRA Oh. DAG Yes. DAG Rick, yes, it's Dag. Please let us in. RICK How do we know it's not an alien pretending to be him? DAISY I got it. What happened to you at the Harvest Carnival five years ago? DAG Oh, fuckin' hell. I sh-- I shit myself in the dunk tank. RICK What? DAG I shit myself in the dunk tank. RICK Oh, it's him. Let him in. PETRA I thought you shit yourself at your piano recital. DAG It was a bad week, okay? Come on! RICK So, let me get this straight. You're telling me that these aliens can't see you if you're naked. Then how did you three morons get here? DAG Well, these clothes are organic cotton, so they're no different from our skin. RICK Right. I forgot your mom's a filthy hippie. DAISY Your blood, darling. PETRA Thank you. DAISY Yeah. RICK Thank you. Will you check on the zombie kid for me? DAISY Mm-hm. RICK Mm. DAISY I will do that. Mm. RICK So, you ladies would have me believe that a bunch of aliens packed themselves into spaceships and flew a zillion miles to Earth just to get some riblets. DAG Yeah. PETRA Yeah. RICK Did they say how much they'd pay? PETRA Rick, please. Just give them what they want. You'd be a hero. They'll probably make a statue out of you. You realize the entire town is being held captive somewhere? Probably having probes shoved up their assholes. RICK Right. Statue. Mm-hm. And meanwhile, Daisy and I are fine. I wonder why. Oh, that's right. Because we didn't run into the middle of town with pitchforks trying to brain our neighbors. You know what? Those people are maniacs and as far as I'm concerned, the wider and deeper the probes, the better. DAG Hey, those are my parents you're talkin' about. RICK Well, I guess there's gonna be shorter lines at the Parker family bathroom this year. DAG What did you say? PETRA Dag. RICK Oh, I think you heard me. DAG You motherfucker! RICK Daisy! DAG Hey! PETRA Oh, Ned. DAG Oh, fuck! PETRA No, no, no, no, no. DAG Ned, no. PETRA Drop it. DAG No brains. RICK You ate my Daisy, you fuck! PETRA Drop it. DAG Come on. RICK Oh, dear God in heaven. DAG Oh, shit. PETRA God, we're really sorry, Rick. RICK You're sorry? I loved this woman. DAG Can we just talk? PETRA Stop! DAG Oh! DAG Please. Don't do this. PETRA We need help. NARRATIVE TITLE no admittance authorized employees only DAG That's it. PETRA What? DAG Yeah. I'm havin' an idea. PETRA This isn't an idea. PETRA This is suicide. DAG Look, Ned did it and-and he's fine. DAG Kind of. If we killed that alien, it would have sent him where it sent everybody else. So... PETRA You're fucking insane. DAG The three of us alone can't do shit. We need help. Come on, let's do this. We're still a team, right? PETRA Let's do it now. DAG Love you guys. DAG Come and get it! Come and get it! NARRATIVE TITLE palway DAG Mom? PETRA Dag! MILAN Petra. Oh, God! You look great. Look, let's not beat around the bush. MILAN Uh, you've had blood. Hook a vampire up. PETRA Are you serious? MILAN Petra, please. Now's not the time to get all periodic on me! Thanks. PETRA Go fuck yourself. And you were right. Being a vampire isn't that bad. PETRA Bitch. SUBTITLE Son! SUBTITLE Son! SUBTITLE Dad? SUBTITLE Yes, Ned. SUBTITLE Yes, Ned. It is I, your father! SUBTITLE I have been a terrible parent. SUBTITLE I never paid attention to you. SUBTITLE I blew your college fund on oxycontin. SUBTITLE I don't even sell Hyundais. I sell Kias. SUBTITLE Kias?! SUBTITLE Shameful, I know. SUBTITLE Point is, SUBTITLE I've got major issues. SUBTITLE But I love you. Now and forever. SUBTITLE I love you too, dickwad. DAG Mom? Dad? PEG Dag. Dag. DAG Hey. PEG Oh! SHOOTER Oh. PEG My sweet, little, frowny clown. Oh. SHOOTER Hey! Oh, you got all that time-slime on you. PEG Oh, my God. SHOOTER Oh, hey, look who we found. DAG Lorelei. DAG Hi. Oh, what the hell is that thing? SHOOTER Uh, it's some kind of alien forcefield. It separates us from the vampires and the zombies. I call it the firewall. At this point, fuck it, right? PETRA Dag! Hey! DAG Hey. PETRA Hi. LORELEI Petra. PETRA Oh. LORELEI I haven't seen you since you murdered me. PETRA Yeah. Um. Look, I'm really sorry about that. LORELEI No, don't apologize. I mean, look at my tits. They're, like, twice the size now. PETRA Goddamn. DAG Ned. PETRA Ned! DAG Hey, how you doin', buddy? PETRA Hi. SHOOTER Is that Ned Mosely? PEG Oh, my God, he looks terrible. DAG Okay, now SHOOTER Ooh. DAG Okay, here-here's the deal. I don't care how messed up these brains make you, I need you to think how we can bring this thing, this forcefield, down. Help us get out of here, Ned, so we can give them what they want and get rid of them. PETRA Come on, Ned. Come on, you can do it. LORELEI You can do it, Ned. DAG Push through. YOUNG DAG Hurry up. YOUNG NED Just one more line of code. Done. NARRATIVE TITLE happy hump day! TEACHER Wait, what just happened? No, no. TEACHER Shut-Shut it down. Shut it down. Shut it down now. YOUNG DAG You're awesome, Ned. TEACHER Shut it down! TEACHER Shut it down now! YOUNG NED Whoo. DAG What? PEG But why do they think he has the brains? SHOOTER Shh, shh. PEG He doesn't even seem like he has any language skills. DAG That's not a word. SHOOTER Sog attack? DAG DoS attack! PETRA DoS attack! DAG DoS attack! DoS attack. PETRA DoS attack! LORELEI DoS attack. DAG This is what we used to do back in junior high. We used to overload the servers to bring 'em down. We hit this thing together, we'll short it out. PETRA Yes! RACIST CITIZEN Are you nuts? Let the vampires do it. They're so goddamn immortal! KELLER Oh, yeah, just like a human. Put it all on the undead. Pussies! WOMAN PALWAY You're a pussy, bloodsucker! MR KELLER You know what? DAG Everybody. Hey, hey, everybody! What is it gonna take for you idiots to stop fighting and work together? Mr. Zimmerman, your daughter, she's a-she's a vampire, right? And you love her? Yeah, you do. How could you not? Mrs. Franklin, your son is a zombie. We've always known. Not a real doctor. Let's quit pretending that he is. All the aliens want are the riblets. Now, I don't know about you. I don't want to die in a Palway. If we just work together, we can tear this wall down. We will get out here, we'll convince Rick to open up the gates, and we'll save our shitty town. Now, what do you say? SHOOTER usa! usa! usa! DAG Whoo! All right! Is everyone ready? DAG Three, two... Fuck it, just run! DAG Hey. Let's get those riblets! Come on! DAG Come on, let's go! Rick! Rick! Oh! PETRA Oh, shit! DAG No, no-no! RICK The next asshole who steps closer gets one in the chest! DAG No! We need you to give the aliens the riblets! It's the only way! RICK Isn't that nice? You know what? From day one, nobody in this town ever involved me in anything. Not the bowling team, not the book club. Shit, I paid for the goddamn baseball field and I still can't get the drink I want after the game at the bar. BARTENDER A Rick-itini's not a drink! Hey! RICK It is to me! I deserve to belong, man. I deserve to belong. DAG Yes, you're right. PETRA Dag. DAG Yeah. You do deserve to belong. RICK I want to believe you, Diggie, but I think you just want me to save you. DAG You want the truth? Here's the truth. You have been a huge dick! But I've been one, too. And we both deserve to be a part of this town. RICK Rick. Rick. Rick. DAG Come on, what's it gonna be? They're comin'! We need you! RICK All right. Bring it, fuckers! DAG Come on, come on. Come on, come on, come on! Everybody in! Everybody in. Go, go, go! Go! Come on! PETRA Run! RICK Creatures from the great beyond, behold the riblet! SHOOTER Jesus, that's what riblets are made of? MRS MOSELY How come no one ever told us? PETRA Oh, my God. RICK Ew. KELLER Oh! Oh! KELLER What are you doin', aliens? RICK Holy shit. PETRA Wait-Wait, what's happening? DAG What is going on? RICK He was wrong! Your genius zombie friend was wrong! They took our riblets and now they're gonna kill us all! PERFECT BEING Beings of Earth, do not cower in fear. Rise. PETRA It's... DAG ...beautiful. PERFECT BEING As our planet's ambassador, we would like to thank you for giving us the precious chemical that sustains us. SHOOTER Why does it have a German accent? KELLER I was gonna ask the same question. PERFECT BEING But before we go, we need to talk about what happened here. We came all this way to essentially borrow a stick of butter and before we even got a chance to ask, you went bananas. We had to lock you all up in the Palway just to protect you from yourselves. As one of your great philosophers so eloquently put it, "We didn't start the fire. It was always burning since the world's been turning. But when we are gone, will it still burn on and on and on?" KELLER You are fuckin' kiddin' me. SHOOTER I-- That's a song. PEG It's a song about burning. PERFECT BEING Here is the point. Look at us. We are ninety feet of intergalactic awesomeness. Look at you. You guys are a mess. PERFECT BEING Have some dignity, for shit's sake. And you're welcome. PETRA Hey, wait a second. PERFECT BEING Yes? PETRA Fuck you. KELLER Oh, whoa. Whoa. PETRA No, no, no. You come here in your ship, you scare the living piss out of us, and then you lecture us with a Billy Joel song? PERFECT BEING But our research indicated an abiding love for Billy Joel. SHOOTER Freak. PERFECT BEING Please, let's keep this civilized. PERFECT BEING Ow! What the fuck? RICK She's right! Go fuck with somebody else's planet, you self-righteous douchebag. Fuck you! PERFECT BEING Fine. Have it your way, bitches. DAG You all right? PETRA What is that stuff? DAG Ammonia! The ammonia's melting it! Ammonia! That's-That's it! Mrs. Mosely, the ammonia hose! Quick! MRS MOSELY Way ahead of you, Daggy! Let her rip, boys! DAG Come on! MILAN You uppity little bitch, I've done a lot of slumming in my life, but you... you might be my biggest disgrace. DAG Yeah! PETRA When you really care about somebody, you don't hesitate. You just jump right in. DAG Don't touch her! MILAN In a way, I envy you, about to see a world I'll never know. SHOOTER When the change comes, it is... PEG Enormous. SHOOTER Enormous. It's a big change. PEG Wow. DAG Oh, no. DAG I said, "Don't touch her." PETRA No! MILAN It's sticking out of my back, isn't it? PETRA Mm-hm. PETRA Are you okay? SHOOTER Did you hear that? PEG It's him. PEG Our boy is growing up. PEG Mm! PERFECT BEING Oh, shit. PERFECT BEING Fuck this. LORELEI What the hell is that? SUBTITLE Sub-atomic fusion explosive. PERFECT BEING Parting gift, motherfuckers. PETRA Ned! DAG Ned! PETRA Ned! Ned! RICK Give 'em the high cheese, Diggie! PERFECT BEING Wait. That's-That's not supposed to happen. NARRATIVE TITLE welcome to dillford est. 1909 home of the veggie riblet NARRATIVE TITLE In Loving Memory of Mayhew P. Keller Born 1826-Died 2014 "You Will Be Missed" LORELEI Guess who. DAG Lorelei. MAN CAFETERIA Yo, Dag, what's up? DAG Yo, what's up, man? LORELEI Look at you. Hey, you want to eat at my table today? DAG Um, I'd love to, but I kinda got some other plans. LORELEI Oh. Well, that's cool, 'cause maybe after school, we could...hang. Uh, nothing. Just... PETRA Hi. DAG Hey. PETRA Should we go find Ned? DAG No, it looks like he's bonding with Chaz Jr. today. LORELEI That is my thigh. PETRA So, what should we do? DAG I don't know. Maybe we should...make out under the bleachers. PETRA Huh. Bring it, fucker. DAG Oh, I am so into you. PETRA So, who are you these days? DAG I'm Nick Braun. STUART What-What do they look like? Is it like-Is it like Spielberg or more Giger? DAG Who the fuck is Giger? I don't know-- STUART H.R. Giger. He designed the aliens in Alien. DAG What-- I-- DAG Who's pitching it to me? KELLER You ever see the movie Schindler's List? You know, he wanted to save all these people, save all these lives that were worth saving, right? Well, you're like my opposite Schindler. This is really gonna fuck you up. CHAZ JR I dropped my weapon. Hold on. PETRA You ready to give up yet? MAN ON SET 2 Say it more like you're choking. PETRA I am choking, though. That's why it's hard to say this shit. PEG AND SHOOTER We're... SHOOTER ...understanding....parents PEG Yeah. Right. SHOOTER You do the other quote. PEG And we-- Yeah, all right. DAG You guys understand, like, too much. SHOOTER Maybe a little too much some days. When we have to drive. DAG We should all-We should all do it sometime together or something. SHOOTER Oh, uh, not-not-- PEG No. SHOOTER Not important to do that. PEG That's a-- That's-- SHOOTER Generational... PEG Yeah. NARRATIVE TITLE jesus saves ZOMBIE PRIEST What, did I stutter? No! NED A little bit. You did stutter a little bit. ZOMBIE PRIEST That's-- My jaw is half gone. Way to make fun of me. NED I didn't mean that. Sorry. ZOMBIE PRIEST Class act, this guy. CHAZ SR No, it's not gonna get better, so just... MRS MOSELY Get it. Got it. I'm gonna take a key. I'm gonna stick it in my mouth and I'm gonna turn it and I'm gonna lock it. CHAZ SR But you're still talking. MRS MOSELY Yup.