ADAM ALL ANTHONY BARTENDER BD BERNARD BETTE BRENDA CATHY DEAN_MARTIN DENTIST DENTISTS DOCTOR DON FEMALE_REPORTER FREDDY HEDDA_HOPPER JAN JOAN JOAN_BLONDELL JOYCE_HABER MAKEUP_ARTIST MALE_FAN MAMACITA MANAGER MAN_ON_TV NURSE OLIVIA_DE_HAVILLAND PA PAULINE PEOPLE SAMMY_DAVIS_JR STAN STUDIO_GUARD TEDDY TROG TV_DOCUMENTARY TV_NEWS VICTOR VICTOR_BUONO VINCENT_PRICE WARNER WOMAN_ON_TV ADAM Pauline, hi, I'm Adam Freeman. PAULINE Very nice to meet you. ADAM Nice to meet you. If you want to grab a seat in a chair here, we're ready for you. PAULINE Mm-hmm. ADAM Thank you again for doing this, we really appreciate it. Shouldn't be more than an hour or two if you have it. PAULINE Just a little bit. Working for Bob, I'd come to feel like a doormat. Only you know, the kind of doormat that's holding up the whole house. Um, at the time I was going with a very pleasant mortgage broker, Howard, and I thought what if I follow Howard on his transfer to Pontiac, Michigan and try to find reward and simple domesticity. But I read in the free press about someone in Detroit filming veterans’ testimony on war crimes so I turned up. Asked if I could help on set. Not knowing that there would be so much more opportunity for me in documentary than in Hollywood feature films. ADAM How did you come to reconnect with Joan Crawford? PAULINE I ran into her at LaGuardia. Um, she was wearing a pepto pink dress and a mask of chalk white foundation being wheeled through the airport with broken ankles, drunk. Alone. And for all our past difficulties, when I touched her arm, she cried. She called me old friend and asked me to visit her in Manhattan. She seemed very much tossed away. JOAN No, Roz, Easy Rider. You know, the one where the actor is dressed all in fringe like an Indian chief. And that Jack Nicholson, is he vaguely cross-eyed? JOAN Oh! Ah! TV DOCUMENTARY We got the same harried situation when we dropped in to pick up wounded soldiers. It's typical of the Viet TV NEWS The picture of the hijackers was diverted, the two hostesses slipped from the rear door, leaving MAN ON TV Don't you like dancing? WOMAN ON TV No, not with strangers. MAN ON TV Never? WOMAN ON TV Never. MAN ON TV Thanks very much. WOMAN ON TV Not at all. JOAN Carl, it's Joan Crawford. I'm so terribly sorry, but I'm not going to be able to meet you for lunch today. No. Please excuse me. Thank you. JOAN Let’s see what we got here.Here’s your new home. See this? MAMACITA I will make myself available to you on a part time basis. JOAN Princess Lotus Blossom, this is Mamacita. DENTIST I, uh, told my mother the great Joan Crawford was on the books today. She made me promise to ask when you'll reteam with Bette Davis. JOAN It hurts. DENTIST The infections are pretty severe. And by my count you're missing six molars? JOAN Extractions. DENTISTS What kind of medieval dental practice extracts six teeth without putting in implants? JOAN I did it when I was 23, it's called the buckle. When you remove the back teeth your cheeks curve in at a more elegant angle. DENTIST Why the heck would you do that? JOAN My agent told me if I wanted to work past 25, I should invest in a set of cheekbones. You can't catch their eye if you can't catch the light, so I did the buckle. It was not uncommon. DENTIST It's also led to bone loss. There's barely anything holding your remaining teeth in place. JOAN Hm. Well, you know what they say about stars. They're like Christmas trees. Once the lights are off, you sit there and watch the needles drop. DENTIST I'm gonna recommend you to a peridontist to operate on the infections and get you on darvocet for the pain, but your problems are gonna get a lot worse unless we take care of the other offenders; the old caps, the teeth pushing into open spaces. I want to fit you for an overdenture. JOAN A denture. DENTIST Mm-hmm. JOAN No. I'll do the surgery if I have to, but no dentures. I'd rather spit blood into a sink than look like Martha Ray. DENTIST Miss Crawford, at your age, you need to worry more about staying healthy than staying photogenic. JOAN I'll stop worrying about how I look when they dip me in formaldehyde. MAMACITA Miss Joan, time to wake up. Up, up, up. Your agent called. He wants to meet with you this evening. JOAN Stan? I haven't talked to him in months. JOAN The Missing Link? STAN It's a B movie, I told them you wouldn't be interested. JOAN Well, who would I play? STAN You'd play an anthropologist who has discovered a caveman who has been preserved for millennia in ice. JOAN A scientist? Hmm. Oh, I had dreamed of playing Madame Curie. When I was at MGM, I begged Louie to cast me in that picture, but. STAN Well, this is hardly that, Joan. It's not MGM. It's more like a hammer horror picture. I'd advise against it. JOAN I'll do it. STAN Joan. JOAN Look, Stan, I need to work. And if I deliver a fine performance in an independent picture I mean, do you know how the Academy loves to reward that kind of star-turn? STAN They're not paying much. JOAN I'll accept a reduced salary, but will they cover the travel expenses for my maid? STAN I'm afraid not. JOAN Hm. Well, it'll be an adventure. STAN Well, let's talk about the other very generous offer from Simon & Schuester. Lifestyle advice book for women. How does Joan Crawford keep her house, how does she throw a dinner party, how does she maintain those famous legs. JOAN Is there still a market for something like that? STAN Of course there is, Joan. You're an icon. We'll get you a state of the art tape recorder. You can get your thoughts down. We'll hire someone to type it up. And if the book is a hit, potentially, it's a hug branding opportunity. Joan Crawford luggage, Joan Crawford dinnerware, Joan Crawford plastic furniture covers. JOAN I would love that. JOAN Oh, sorry. FREDDY Joan Crawford. 4,000 miles from home and you look like you stepped off the pages of McCall's. Freddy Francis, your director. JOAN Oh, I don't look a mess? You know, the car never arrived to take me to the hotel, so I had to hire a cab to bring me straight here from the airport. FREDDY My apologies. We're still getting our little production up on its feet. But rest assured, Trog is going to be a first rate production. JOAN Trog? What is Trog? FREDDY Oh, as in troglodyte. Trog is the title of the of the movie. JOAN I thought the picture was entitled The Missing Link. FREDDY We changed it to pop out on the posters. Picture it; Trog. JOAN And what is that? FREDDY Oh, your co-star, Trog. JOAN But he has no hair on his arms or his legs. FREDDY Well, you two will be sharing a makeup table, so perhaps you can help refine his look. JOAN You mean I don't have a private dressing room? FREDDY Well, our budget doesn't really allow for such luxuries. JOAN And when we're out on location, am I expected to change behind a bush? FREDDY Certainly not. We got you a vehicle. JOAN What kind of vehicle? FREDDY We can put it in curtains. JOAN This is Joan Crawford. Let's begin with my point of view. I always say treasure yourself.I do a certain amount of self-pampering. I surround myself with happy colors. JOAN Have you worked with Freddy Francis before? JOAN I sit on hard chairs. Soft ones spread the hips. People ask me if I turn up at board meetings wearing tailored costumes and muted colors. Oh, no. I wear shocking pink and lovely hats. No man ever did a poor job because he had an attractive woman to look at. Every woman tries to be a good mother and then wonders if after all her efforts her children will wind up on a head shrinker's couch complaining about their treatment. FREDDY Joan. JOAN I mistrust people who don't like animals. JOAN That's fine, Trog. He understands. JOAN The prime objective of our program is to gradually pull Trog across a time span right into the heart of the 20th century. FEMALE REPORTER Seems like an impossible JOAN I'm so sorry. Excuse me. Is there any way to say this with fewer words? FREDDY And action. FEMALE REPORTER If he's as old as you say he is, how did he survive? JOAN Uh, conceivably, Trog, uh, was frozen solid during the long, long glacial age. Uh, a state similar to chyro. I' Let me start that a state similar to chyro.suspense. I'm sorry, could you give me the line, please? FREDDY Can we get the cue cards for Joan. JOAN Uh I I All right. JOAN There are no hard and fast rules for fending off an outright pass. Especially if it comes from the boss. Every intelligent woman has her own method of turning it down without wounding a sensitive male ego. BERNARD Join us for a pint. JOAN Oh, thank you very much, but I simply can't. JOAN An even cleverer woman knows how to prevent the past in the first place. If you can't control your cleavage, your perfume, your walk, and your eye lashes, you better stay out of the business. Here are a few items no dieter should ever have in the house peas, lima beans, avocadoes, olives, dry beans, corn, butter, most cheese. Cream chicken with mash potatoes makes too much mush. Always serve something crisp with something soft. FREDDY It's just beginning to ring a bell in your head, yes. Now it's becoming clearer and clearer. You're remembering the attack on your village. Yes, yes. JOAN All the beauty products in the world can't disguise a disagreeable expression. Have you ever noticed that when you say, "no," you resemble a prune-faced school-marm. FREDDY Well, let's shoot it. TROG Remind you of your youth at MGM, Joan? JOAN I feel as if clothes are people. When I buy a dress, that's a new friend. I have a tremendous respect for fabrics. STUDIO GUARD She's been spending her nights here. Says she's practicing her blocking. But tonight, she just seems a wee bit lost. JOAN Is a living reminder of our ancestors who. FREDDY Leave her alone. JOAN The apes who left the forest JOAN I love people. I've been asked if I ever go around in disguise. Never. I want to be recognized. When I hear people say "There's Joan Crawford," I turn around and say, "Hi, how are you?" BRENDA Make it to Brenda. JOAN Yes. BRENDA Wow, you're even more glamorous in real life. JOAN Thank you, Brenda. I hope you enjoy reading my beauty secrets I've picked up over the years. BRENDA Oh, is there stuff about Trog in there? I've seen it 6 times. "Trog, stop it."What a riot. JOAN Brenda, there's a long line of readers wondering what makes you so special as to monopolize all my time. These people aren't here to buy the book for my advice. They're here to buy it to mock me. MANAGER Well, you should be grateful for the turnout. They've hardly been buying it at all. TEDDY If you don't mind, I have two items for you to sign. JOAN Baby Jane. JOAN Why don't you have a picture from Grand Hotel or Mildred Pierce or any of the 30 years of pictures I made before Baby fucking Jane. TEDDY I like all your movies, Miss Crawford, but this one is special to me. JOAN Why? Because you think it's funny? MALE FAN No. I mean, yeah, it's funny. But I love it because Blanche and Baby Jane are cast aside, beaten down and forgotten, but they never give up hope that they'll rise again. They're survivors. JOAN What do you know about survival? ON-SCREEN TEXT The Dish What Everyone is Talking About JOAN Why are they running these pictures of us? They're awful. MAMACITA It is not so bad. JOAN It's monstrous. That's why they're running them. Poor Roz, she's fighting leukemia. No wonder her face is as big as a moon. But there must have been better pictures of me. MAMACITA You were tired and emotional. JOAN Is that really how I look? Well, if that's how they see me, they'll never see me again. JOAN Stan, I want you to stop submitting me for roles. I'm done. PAULINE You know, in Japan, when you turn 60 you put on this bright red hat and you celebrate kanreki. It's your second childhood. Life isn't over, it's just beginning. Can I ask you something? Is your grandmother still alive? ADAM Yes. PAULINE Give her a call. VICTOR BUONO Oh, looks comfortable. Isn't comfortable. ADAM So, Victor. After all the drama involved in its production, how do you think Charlotte turned out? VICTOR BUONO Have you interviewed Bette yet? ADAM She's rescheduled on us a number of times. VICTOR BUONO Well, there will be hell to pay if she finds herself unfairly maligned, but at the risk of taking my lashes, I'll tell you. I think Charlotte was just okay. It didn't have the magic of Baby Jane, and the New York Times called Bette's performance resentful. ADAM Was she upset? VICTOR BUONO Failure made her desperate. She was sure that every job she got would be her last. She snatched up every offer that came her way, and she lost that special something that I considered her signature. ADAM What was that? VICTOR BUONO Her high standards. BETTE Do you think my type is coming back? BETTE So it's top secret. If any man in Washington can declassify it for me, you can. VICTOR BUONO Eight pilots she made. It was like Miles Davis playing jingles for lunch meat commercials. And I've told her this to her face. We're friends because I tell the truth. But... what devastated her, in fact, was that the force of her talent wasn't even enough to get one of the eight bought for series. BETTE What idiots are these business men that they pay for a pilot, and then they don't bother to put it on the air. VICTOR BUONO They must make measure of whether the shows will be losers over time. BETTE Plenty of losers get bought. Why not mine? VICTOR BUONO Is that really what you want, my dear? To spend your years in Burbank, playing a hypochondriac judge? BETTE Oh, I don't know how this happened. Hepburn is off doing Albee and Tennesse Williams and being nominated for Academy Awards. Am I not every bit her equal? Am I not every bit as interesting as she is? How does she manage? VICTOR BUONO Katherine sometimes says no. BETTE Well, she doesn't have to support children, does she? And she's a snob. Did you know that Life Magazine wanted to photograph the two of us together? The two legends. I bought a flight to New York and she ignored their calls. Life Magazine! And when finally answered them, she said she didn't want to pose with me. VICTOR BUONO Nothing good can come from comparing yourself. BETTE If Katherine were sitting were right there, you know what I'd say to her? I would say, "I pity you. I have had an experience that you will never have. And thank God I had it, because I have the love of my children." BETTE Oh, no kiss for mother? BD Not with a cough like that. BETTE Oh, Christ. Old Hollywood is really over. Look at this place. It's really gone down. I just hope the food is still good. I was so looking forward to a real girls lunch. Let's make it a day of it, huh? Seems as if they don't have barber shops in Pennsylvania. Why don't' I take you to my salon? BD Jeremy like my hair this way. BETTE Well, of course, it's in keeping with his caveman sensibility.I'm kidding, darling. Jeremy's old school ways seem to suit you. Everyone thought you'd be divorced by 18, and look at you, you're still in love, it's marvelous. Why don't we ask him to join us this afternoon, and we can take the children to the observatory. BD Jeremy went back to Pennsylvania with the boys. BETTE What? But they were meant to spend the rest of the week with me. I booked an acting coach for Ashley to help him with his diction, and we've had plans for the zoo BD My children aren't staying with you ever again, Mother. Ashley told us you beat on his baby brother last night. BETTE I did no such thing. Why would he say that? BD You didn't beat Justin for crying when Jeremy and I left for the hotel? BETTE Oh, I swatted him. He was throwing a temper tantrum. He was out of control. BD You traumatized him. BETTE BD, I swatted you a thousand times. Did I traumatize you? BD From now on, if you want to visit with your grandchildren, you may do so at our farm under supervision. After you do something about your drinking problem. BETTE Since when do you Since when do you think I'm a drunk? BD You're sitting right there with a margarita at 11 a.m. BETTE Let's order some guacamole. Everything seems dire on an empty stomach. BD I'm not eating with you. I came here to say what I had to say. DOCTOR I want to run some blood work. BETTE I just need something to soothe my cough. DOCTOR We'll both be happier preventing your problems than trying to solve them once they dig in. You're not 18. BETTE Oh, thanks. Newsflash. DOCTOR Can I persuade you to lay off the smoking? BETTE Look, I'm off booze. I can't give up cigarettes. They're my only friends. DOCTOR How long ago did you stop drinking? BETTE 17 days. DOCTOR You shouldn't white-knuckle detox, Bette. So you need help with your drinking problem, big whoop. A lot of women your age turn to alcohol when they have little else to do. I'll grab you some brochures on rehab facilities. BETTE Oh, no. I can't go to rehab. I can't, I've got the Dean Martin roast. VICTOR BUONO Oh, the roast. It was the cruelest of degradations. Demeaned and insulted by fifth rate celebrities. DEAN MARTIN And here's one from Harold Donaldson from Detroit. "Dear Miss Davis, my wife and I just saw your film What Ever Happened To Baby Jane? Could you settle an argument for us? In private life, are you and Joan Crawford really brothers?" JOYCE HABER Bette was the queen of Hollywood. Back in the days when queens were still ladies. And Joan Crawford was king. VINCENT PRICE Miss Crawford has always been envious of Bette's voluptuous figure. As a matter of fact, Joan used to borrow Bette's bras to use them as shoulder pads. ADAM Did she tell Joan how bad she felt about the roast? VICTOR No. And I think she regretted it. Especially after Amy. ADAM Amy? VICTOR Amy Semple McPhearson, the famed evangelist. BETTE I met her. 1932 at the Foursquare Gospel Church. What a performer. A fraudulent evangelical minister who faked her own kidnapping. Can you imagine? Well, I begged the studio to let me play her. Not a single bite. VICTOR In '76, Bette landed a role playing, not the minister, but the mother in The Disappearance of Amy. ADAM Right, the Faye Dunaway movie. VICTOR Oof. If you never do end up interviewing Bette, I'd advise against calling it that. For all her complaints about Joan, she didn't know true hatred until she met Faye. ANTHONY Hanging in there, Miss Davis? BETTE If I hang in here any longer, I'll fall off my branch. You know, locations used to come to me. Here, Anthony, I want to read you this. A passage "And Moses sayeth to his brethren, 'The Lord shall afflict you with lesions all over your body if you be not punctual in your laborings. Even if you are very pretty and the star of Chinatown.'" ANTHONY Is that from Romans? BETTE Our call was 600 a.m. I arrived at 545. I did not see Miss Faye Dunaway in her makeup chair until 700. It is now 1100, and while we all roast to death in this toaster-oven, you sir have still gotten off your first Goddamn shot. BETTE I could have kicked that part right out of the park. VICTOR Well, you're an intimidating presence, Bette. Put yourself inside Faye Dunaway's shoes. Just think maybe she didn't come out of her trailer because she was afraid she couldn't keep up with you. BETTE There is no excuse for unprofessionalism. It almost makes you miss Crawford. At least she had the decency to show up on time, and she was the first one on the set and the last one to leave. VICTOR My God, I never thought I'd live to hear you breathe a kindness about Joan Crawford. BETTE Well, don't tell a soul. It will cut all my talk show appearances in half if anyone thinks that I've grown soft on Crawfish. VICTOR She has cancer, you know. BETTE What? VICTOR Hasn't left her apartment in months, I hear. BETTE Cancer isn't going to kill Joan. She's a cockroach, just like me. VICTOR You should call her. BETTE She doesn't want to talk to me. VICTOR Of course she would. You something mean to her. You and her have so much in common you're both Aries, you're both single mothers to angry children, you've each been married four times. In many ways, I hate to say this, but she may the only person in the entire world who knows how you really feel right now. BETTE I have been reading in the columns, she's been saying very nice things about Dunaway. She even said she would want Faye Dunaway to play her in a picture. I should warn her. VICTOR Yes. Go ahead and warn her. JOAN Aw, do you want to watch? What's that? Hello? Hello? This is Joan Crawford. Who's calling at this late hour? Is anyone there? Hello? No. Nobody there. JOAN Coming.Oh, Cathy, darling! CATHY Mommie, dearest. JOAN Oh, look! Oh, my little angels. Ah. JOAN Oh, I think the microwave is the most wonderful invention of the 20th century. You don't mind paper plates, do you, dear? Mamacita only comes in three times a week, and I hate to leave a mess for her. CATHY No, Mommie, that's fine. JOAN Oh, there's my darling girl, there's my sweet girl. CATHY Mommie. I'm worried about you. Mamacita says you've stopped seeing your doctor. JOAN Yes, dear, that's right. CATHY Do you think that's wise? JOAN Well. Western medicine thinks it can poison this cancer out of me, but since I've adopted the tenets of Christian Science, I've been feeling a wonderful new vigor, I really have. I feel like I could take anything life could throw at me. Speaking of which, have you talked to your sister? CATHY Cindy and I speak all the time. JOAN Oh, no, darling, I know you and Cindy do. Of course you do. No, I was referring to your elder sister, to Christina. CATHY Uh, no. Not recently. JOAN My editor tells me she's been writing a book. It's about me, evidently, alleging the most vile things. You have to understand, I was at the height of my career when she was little. We never enjoyed the quality time together like I had with you and Cindy. The little time that I did have, I worked so hard at instilling the proper values in her. I only wanted her to appreciate her advantages. CATHY Of course, Mommie, of course. JOAN My editor asked if I wanted to read an advance copy of the galleys, but why spend the days of your life reading something that could only hurt you? CATHY Children! I told you before we got here, no sliding on Grandma's floors. JOAN No, no, no! It's all right, dear. Look, they're enjoying themselves. Just be careful, don't hurt yourselves. No, what's a few scuff marks? It doesn't matter. Do they think of me as their real grandmother? CATHY Of course. JOAN I don't know how much they understand about you being adopted. CATHY No. Mommie. They understand that you picked me and their Aunt Cindy out of all of the children in the world. And that we wouldn't have chosen any other mother because we had the best one anyone could ever have. Okay? JOAN Oh. JOAN Hello? PEOPLE JOAN Hello? WARNER Do you remember? HEDDA HOPPER I do! WARNER ? I'm gonna get right up and put on my clothes ? ? I'm gonna go right out and take in all the shows ? HEDDA HOPPER JOAN Hedda? Jack, what are you doing here? HEDDA HOPPER Oh, Joan, did you ever hear of The Cataract? WARNER The Cascade! HEDDA HOPPER The Cascade! A movie house Jack and his brothers used to run in Pennsylvania. WARNER Yup. That's right. Sam ran the picture, Abe kept the books, Harry broke the balls, and I broke the hearts. HEDDA HOPPER He used to sing in the aisles between showings. Oh, Jack. Sing for Joan. WARNER ? I'm gonna borrow from everybody on my staff ? ? I'm gonna drink and dance and drive and laugh ? ? The doctor says my days are done, so if I die I'm gonna have some fun ? ALL JOAN Oh, Jack. If a young actor had come in and sung like that for you, you'd have put him on the first bus out of town. WARNER Yeah. Thank God I never had any talent. That makes two of us. HEDDA HOPPER I had plenty of talent, Mr. Warner. I just had the foresight not to be the talent forever. JOAN Well, now what is wrong with being the talent? HEDDA HOPPER Well, everyone thinks you have the world on a string, but it's the other way around. It's much better to be the one pulling the string, darling. JOAN I know that, yes, indeed. You two made my life miserable. Made every job I ever had a fight to the death. WARNER Oh, come on, Joan. You act like you're the only one who had to cup your balls and do hand to hand combat. Think about all those wasps who didn't let our kids into private schools. Who told me to be a good Jew and go back to the garment district. HEDDA HOPPER And you know better than anyone, Joan, my hundred years war with Louella. JOAN Yes, but no one was taking sides against you. No one was throwing gasoline on your resentments. WARNER Well, the expression is not "unite and conquer." JOAN No, but why did I need to be conquered? BETTE What other way was there? Let the animals run the zoo? JOAN What is she doing here? HEDDA HOPPER Be friendly, Joan, we're having a party. BETTE Tell him what it did to you, Joan. Tell him what they did to you. HEDDA HOPPER Tell us. Go on, darling. JOAN Well, I suppose, I felt like I always had to be "on." That if someone caught a glimpse of the girl beneath the movie star, then poof. I'd go back to that sad little wretch I'd been. And so I spent my whole life being Joan Crawford. A woman I created for others. I don't know who I am when I'm by myself. BETTE I think you should apologize to Joan, Jack. Both of you should. HEDDA HOPPER Well, I'll do it if he does. WARNER All right. On the count of three. HEDDA HOPPER One. WARNER/HEDDA HOPPER Two, three. ALL WARNER It wouldn't come out. Now, Joanie, look, look. If I really had known how hard I had really made it for you, I wouldn't have done a fucking thing differently. JOAN Bastard! WARNER It all works out in the end, Joanie. You know, we show biz folks You know, all that anger that we feel from not being loved- which is the reason we're in this business in the first place- all the tears and the screaming and the rage. It all disappears. And the public, what they remember, for the most part, is the good stuff. The work. And all the joy that we brought them. Trust me. All the suffering will have been worth it. JOAN Will it really? All that pain will finally amount to something? HEDDA HOPPER Don't worry, sweetheart. You will always be young, always be beautiful. Goddess of your time. Frozen in amber by Hurrel. Bette, too, though it pains me to say it. Legends, all. Oh, come on, let's have a drink. JOAN Oh, I don't drink anymore. WARNER Boring. All right, come on, Hedda. Help me make some drinks, all right? Nobody wields an ice pick quite like you. BETTE Nice apartment. You get out much? Theatre, Guggenheim? JOAN No, not so much, no. BETTE Neither do I. Do you know what I love the most in this world? The Young and the Restless. JOAN Yes, that beautiful sea captain. What is his name? BETTE Lucas Prentiss! JOAN That's right! Why am I so happy to see you? BETTE Nostalgia. Let's play a game. It's called regrets. No, no, no. If you draw a pip card, you say something you feel sorry you did. If you draw a face card, you say something you wish you had done. JOAN That doesn't sound like a very fun game. BETTE It's the only game I know. JOAN I'm sorry I wasn't more generous with you. BETTE I wish. I wish I had been a friend to you. JOAN Well, it's not too late, is it? We can start now. Let's have a champagne toast. Mamacita! Oh, I'm so glad that you came here. You know, I've often fantasized about staying up late like two girlfriends talking about Bob and, well, all the other men that we've known along the way. Mamacita! The champagne. It's silly that we've spent all these years at odds with each other, but we can start over. Why don't you stay here with me as my guest? You don't have to rush back to Connecticut, do you? MAMACITA Miss Joan. What are you doing? JOAN Bring the champagne, dear! MAMACITA You are not drinking? JOAN Well, then bring some for my friend, Bette. MAMACITA There is no one there. JOAN She must've slipped out. Did you help Hedda and Jack in the kitchen? MAMACITA Come, Miss Joan, come, we go to bed. Good. JOAN I can't go to bed. I have guests. MAMACITA There is no one else here. It is just you and I. JOAN Thank you, Mamacita. MAMACITA She died one week later. We embalmed her. We made her look the way she liked. And then we cremated her body. ADAM She had a big funeral, yeah? Not as big as Judy Garland's, but star-studded? MAMACITA Yes. ADAM Myrna Loy, Anita Loos, Andy Warhol. Jack Valenti got the studios to observe a moment of silence. MAMACITA It made me sad. ADAM To say goodbye to her? MAMACITA No, because they all showed up to say goodbye. But when she was alive, when she needed them most, no one was there. BETTE What? JAN Miss Davis, this is Jan Tomlinson with the AP Wire Service. BETTE Good morning. Ah, I've lost track of the days. Are there nominations announced or something? JAN No, Miss Davis, Joan Crawford died this morning. Do you have a comment? BETTE My mother always said don't say anything bad about the dead. Only say good. Joan Crawford is dead. Good. BETTE I was in the neighborhood. NURSE Oh, Miss Davis. BETTE Is she in her room? NURSE Yes. BETTE Margot, darling. It's Mommy! Hello, sweetheart. Oh, look what you're doing. What a nice drawing. Look at how beautifully you're filling those hearts in. I did a drawing myself- well, I didn't actually do the drawing. A lovely man named Don did it. I met him Roddy McDowell's. Do you remember him? BETTE We had a wonderful date, a wonderful time. DON Miss Davis, I don't mean to seem rude, but you need to sit still. BETTE Fine. You have an hour. That's it. DON Okay. Your chin, just a hmm. BETTE Would you like to stay for dinner? DON All right, but. BETTE But! But! DON You do know I'm gay. BETTE Of course. BETTE We had a wonderful dinner that night, but it would never work out with Don because of my work. My work has always taken first position, and men don't want that. But I would rather go for something I feel even if I get hurt. I don't want to spend my life protecting myself. After dinner, the painter, Don, he showed me the drawing that he made. It captured the way I am now completely. BETTE Can I see it now? DON It's not finished yet. BETTE Don't you like it? DON Honestly, it sort of scares me. BETTE Then I want to see it. Yup. That's the old bag. BETTE I'm sorry I haven't been to see you more often, darling, but I'm going to write you letters. Beautiful letters. And we'll keep them in the special box, would you like that? Last week someone sent me letters that my mother had written to a friend of hers years ago before she died. Many of the letters were about me. Long story short, my mother said terrible things about me behind my back. She said I was a "Queen B." And that I was selfish. And that I was all about me, and that I was a pain and a chore. She'd never said anything to me. My own mother. I thought she was my only friend. But actually, I was totally alone. BARTENDER What's your pick for Best Picture, Miss Davis? BETTE Oh I'd have to say The Turning Point. It's my favorite film this year. The men are merely dance partners, and the women fight on the roof. It's the story of my life! OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND Bette? Are you giving Charlton an award? BETTE Chuck Heston, yes. He's the only actor that's as difficult as I am. OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND The Jean Hersholt Humanitarian award? BETTE Oh, I don't give a shit. I'm not here to present, I'm here to preside. JOAN BLONDELL Hey, ladies, it's the In Memoriam. Christ, where did the night go? SAMMY DAVIS JR ? Just one more time ? ? Just close your eyes and we'll see their face again, ? ? Though your days are gone, ? ? They live on and on ? OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND That's it? JOAN BLONDELL Christ. 50 years in show business, and they give her two seconds. BETTE That's all any of us will get. JOAN BLONDELL To Joan. ADAM Miss Davis. Hi, I'm Adam. BETTE Yes. Hi. I told you in a letter, I told you on the phone, and now I'll tell you to your face. I will not participate in your documentary. You'll want me to say funny bitchy one-liners about Crawford. I won't do it. She was a professional. We did one picture together. Our lives intersected. That's it. I don't have anything more to say. PA Miss Davis, you're on next. ADAM Well I guess that's it. We'll never really know what happened between these two women. MAKEUP ARTIST I want to know what happened that first day. When they finally were on a set together after all those years of their feud. That's what I want to know. BETTE So I put a rubber around it and I went back into the party. What choice did I have? PAULINE Miss Crawford, Miss Davis. Bob is calling for your first read-through. All ready? BETTE I'll get my script. JOAN Wonderful. Bette. Here's what I really hope from this picture when all is said and done I hope I've made a new friend. BETTE Me, too.