ALDRICH BART BETTE BRUCE_DERN CASTLE DENNIS DIANE_BAKER EMCEE HAL HARRIET HEDDA_HOPPER HOTEL_CLERK JACK_WARNER JOAN MAMACITA MAN NARRATOR NURSE PAULINE PRODUCTION_ASSISTANT VICTOR_BUONO WARNER JOAN When I put those clothes on, something happens to me. Something frightening. JOAN No! NARRATOR Strait-Jacket mounts to a crescendo of electrifying suspense. Sinister. Frightening. Joan Crawford in a shattering screen portrayal. JOAN Leave me alone. DIANE BAKER You let go of me. JOAN You listen to me. Just call me, Lucille. I wouldn't like my little girl to think I was trying to take her fellow away from her. Carol and Michael are going to be married and nobody's gonna stop it. NARRATOR Ingeniously designed to shock and startle. Strait-Jacket may go beyond the limits of your ability to endure suspense. DIANE BAKER Mother. JOAN He's gone. DIANE BAKER Oh my god. NARRATOR The author of the famed novel, Psycho. The director of the wildly acclaimed chiller, Homicidal. NARRATOR The co-star of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, join forces to create a frightening classic of shock and suspense. EMCEE Direct from Hollywood the master of suspense, Mr. William Castle. CASTLE Good evening, my murderous minions. I'm William Castle, the director of the picture you're about to see. Be warned, Strait-Jacket contains the most realistic portrayal of axe murders in motion picture history. Made all the more vivid by the powerful performance of a screen legend. Ladies and gentlemen, the star of Strait-Jacket, Miss Joan Crawford. Oh, no! Don't panic, but a madwoman is loose in this theater. CASTLE No, no, please. Miss Joan Crawford. JOAN Thank you. I hope you will approve of our little picture and please enjoy a refreshing Pepsi Cola at the concession stand. CASTLE And now, before the show begins, a little something to protect all of you. Ladies? Ladies? Come on. JOAN What the hell is this? You said no more gimmicks. CASTLE Well, do you want a hit, Joan? Or don't you? MAMACITA Home again, home again, jiggedy jog, we put you to bed. JOAN I need a drink. MAMACITA Don't you think you had enough to drink on the plane? JOAN You are not my keeper. You're a servant, don't ever forget that. I don't think I can do it anymore, Mamacita. MAMACITA New Mexico this weekend, then the tour is done. JOAN New Mexico! Jesus Christ, why did I say yes to any of this? MAMACITA Why did you? JOAN No offers in nine months. I had to take it just to keep the god damn lights on. MAMACITA Look, Miss Joan. Flowers. JOAN Yeah? From who? MAMACITA Mister George Cukor. Congratulating you on your latest success. JOAN My latest success, what a joke! He's five years older than me and he's hotter than he's ever been. He's winning award for My Fair Lady and I'm pimping myself out to William Castle. MAMACITA The picture is doing very well. People are coming to see you. JOAN People are coming to see blood and gore and heads being chopped off. They're not coming to see me, you stupid croak. Oh god, I'm sorry Mamacita. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I am sorry. MAMACITA You're always sorry. You're crazy, but you do it. I tell you now, this, the next time you throw something at my head, I leave you. Then you will have nothing. Good night. Careful going up the stairs, you are blotto. DENNIS Box office numbers, Mr. Warner. WARNER What's with the guard? Are you afraid I'm going to kill the messenger? BART I'm not security, sir. DENNIS This is Bart, our new trainee. He forgot his sport coat, so they gave him a loaner at the gate. WARNER Ah. Well, your parents must be very proud. Son of a bitch, Strait-Jacket did 2.5 million? BART Is that not good? WARNER Yeah, it's great if you're Harry Cohen. DENNIS It's Columbia Pictures. WARNER And Lady in a Cage is on track to do even better. BART I heard that's supposed to be an excellent picture. DENNIS That's Paramount. WARNER Quick, Biff- BART Bart. WARNER What is it about these hag movies that people love? BART I don't know, my mom says that they're kind of degrading. WARNER Bingo. Degradation. That's what it is. You take some movie queen of yore, who was once too beautiful to screw us and you make her suffer. Tearing down your idols. It's very satisfying for an audience. Don't you think, Bob? BART Bart? WARNER God damn it. I created this genre. Hagsploitation. It even has its own word and you know who came up with that? DENNIS The New York Times. WARNER No! Me! Get me Bob Aldrich in my office. DENNIS Are you sure? WARNER Am I sure? What the- DENNIS You banned him from the lot. WARNER Switch jackets. DENNIS Sir? JACK WARNER You take off your jacket and you give it to Bart, and then you put on his. Now, show Bart how to dial Bob Aldrich then go down to the front gate and tell them you are the new security guard. DENNIS Right. JACK WARNER Nice to meet you, Bart. BART It's great-- such a pleasure. Thank you so much. JACK WARNER Mm-hmm. MAMACITA Please be brief. She must conserve her energy for Albuquerque. HEDDA HOPPER Is she crossing the desert on foot? JOAN Oh Hedda, darling. I don't have a quiet minute today. I have to convert this dust bowl look to a desert look and work out this awful crink in my neck and then back on the road for that god-damn Lizzie Borden routine. HEDDA HOPPER You're not having a gay old time greeting fans coast to coast? JOAN Does the Ringling Brothers elephant have a gay old time? Hedda? Hedda, what is it? Did you skip lunch? Do you want- HEDDA HOPPER No. JOAN want me to get Mamacita to boil you an egg. HEDDA HOPPER No, nojust- just sit with me. JOAN Hedda, are you alright? HEDDA HOPPER Oh. Hm. Last week, I was on the phone with Francis Marion deploring the demise of the tender love story when my arm went dead. Limp like a stew noodle. JOAN Oh. HEDDA HOPPER It was a heart attack. I have a defect apparently. And the doctor says it won't be long before another one hits. JOAN Come here, Hedda, get up. Let me-- we'll sit somewhere more comfortable. HEDDA HOPPER Thank you, darling. JOAN Why? Why? Why didn't you call me? HEDDA HOPPER Oh no, I used the time to reflect. Hm. If I am finished and the sum of my life's work is tallied, am I satisfied with reams of gossip? JOAN Oh how can you say that? Look at all the careers that you have launched, mine included. HEDDA HOPPER I didn't muse on the careers I nurtured. I thought about the ones I destroyed. The reds, the queers, the whores, the cheaters, and dope heads. The ones who cursed me, sued me, offed themselves, and I felt good, that I contributed to our moral economy. JOAN And so you have. You have been nothing short of a bulwark against the tide of smut crashing over this culture. HEDDA HOPPER But I can't stop it lapping at your door. JOAN What are you talking about? HEDDA HOPPER Somebody's been shopping a stag picture in which you allegedly appeared in your youth. JOAN Oh! Well that is ridiculous. It must be someone who resembles me. HEDDA HOPPER I know Luella's been sniffing around so has Confidential. JOAN Bastards. Can I sue? HEDDA HOPPER Not if there's a film. Is there, Joan? JOAN Why would you ask that? HEDDA HOPPER Because if there is, I'll find out. I always find out. JOAN And you would write about it. HEDDA HOPPER It's what I do. I'm offering you the opportunity to add your voice to the story by telling the tale of shame yourself you can turn it into a story of redemption. Not a bad way for either of us to go out. The perfect final scoop for my readers. JOAN I am sorry about your ill health, Hedda. And I'm sorry that it has so weakened your ability to distinguish truth from lies. HEDDA HOPPER Alright, Joan. But just remember, it's always better to cooperate. ALDRICH Oh goddamnit! I think I drank too much. HARRIET Alright, time to talk. ALDRICH I don't think talking about it improves it's performance any. HARRIET I'm not talking about it, I'm talking about you. You're morose, you've been morose. You wear slippers to lunch. And you smashed all of my Sinatra records. ALDRICH I thought it would make me feel better but it didn't. I knew 4 for Texas was going to stink even before Sinatra shit all over it. HARRIET Then what did you go through it for? ALDRICH Because Jack Warner thought it was a bad idea and I didn't want to give that prick the satisfaction of being right. HARRIET You know what I think? All this gloom isn't about your last flop. It's about your last hit. ALDRICH What? HARRIET I think that the fact that Bob Aldrich had his biggest success with a woman's picture, I think it's throwing you off balance. ALDRICH Oh no, Harriet. HARRIET You have to stop moping around the house. It's not good for you. It's time for you to decide what it is you want to do and then do it. Even if Jack Warner does think it's a good idea. ALDRICH Where are you going? HARRIET Carson's on. JACK WARNER I'm glad you finally came to your senses, Bobby. ALDRICH How do you mean? JACK WARNER Well, I sent you outta here 6 months ago with a stack of premium hag scripts. Please tell me that you picked one. ALDRICH Well no, Jack, I didn't. JACK WARNER You're killing me, Bobby. Really? Listen, I know you think I'm like a dog with a bone with this thing but let me explain something to you, alright? Goldwyn is finished, Mayer is dead, and Selznick is just one pastrami sandwich away from a coronary. But Jack L. Warner still runs Warner Brothers. And incidentally, how many brothers do you see standing in this room? ALDRICH You're the only one, Jack. JACK WARNER That's right. I'm the last goddamn dinosaur and I'm up to my tits in tar. ALDRICH What are you talking about? JACK WARNER The end. I'm talking about the end Bobby. ALDRICH Oh, come on Jack, My Fair Lady is the biggest hit in the last five years. JACK WARNER Yeah, and what happens when in six months I don't have anything to follow that up? I'll admit it Bobby, I'm scared. I used to make the culture, and today I'm lost in it. I'm in the twilight of my days Bobby. I know that. But I would like to keep the sun from going down just a little bit longer. ALDRICH True. JACK WARNER I need a miracle. I need another goddamn Baby Jane. ALDRICH And it's called, What Ever Happened to Cousin Charlotte? JACK WARNER That's a great title, I love this title. 'Cause it'll remind people of What Ever Happened to Baby Jane? Right? ALDRICH Mm-hmm. JACK WARNER Alright, go ahead hit me. ALDRICH Okay, so, it's about an aging southern belle who's living all alone in one of those scary Louisiana plantation mansions. JACK WARNER Uh-huh, good. ALDRICH And she's got a city slicker cousin who comes to visit. JACK WARNER Uh-huh, Mm-hmm. ALDRICH Huh? Drives her crazy. Gaslights her. So you got dismemberment, there's a hatchet murder. JACK WARNER Fantastic. ALDRICH So, I was thinking, for cousin Charlotte, Bette Davis, and for the city slicker cousin, Anne Sheridan. JACK WARNER No, no. It's gotta be Crawford. Crawford and Davis together, that's the winning formula. ALDRICH This is my one condition, Jack. I am not working with them again together. Never again. JACK WARNER You can't work with them? ALDRICH They hate each other! Besides, they'd never agree to it. JACK WARNER Bobby, if you think it's twilight for us, it is midnight for them. They are going to do your Charlotte picture, and you know what? They're going to do it for less. And you know what? So are you. Alright. I want you to get those two harpies’ signatures on the dotted line. You got it? ALDRICH Got it, Jack. JACK WARNER Thanks. Now get out of here. ALDRICH Joanie! ALDRICH Bette. JOAN Another horror picture, Bob? ALDRICH Well I wouldn't classify it like that. BETTE Weren't you the one that said we shouldn't be repeating ourselves? ALDRICH This is completely different. ALDRICH This time you get to kill the cleaning lady. ALDRICH No, Charlotte's nothing at all like Jane. Charlotte's a victim. But she's also a fighter. BETTE Tell me about Miriam. ALDRICH Miriam, elegant, calculating, but with a certain warmth. It needs an actress of real skill. BETTE And who do you see as Miriam? ALDRICH Uh, Joan, of course. JOAN And I suppose you want Bette to play cousin Charlotte. ALDRICH Who else? JOAN And she's agreed? ALDRICH How could she say no? BETTE Are you out of your mind? I wouldn't piss on Crawford if she were on fire! JOAN I think she secretly blames me for her Oscar loss. ALDRICH I don't think that's true. BETTE She actively lobbied against me and then she wormed her way in to accepting Bancroft’s award which I understand Bancroft hasn't even laid eyes on. ALDRICH Well. JOAN I know she expected all sorts of offers after her nomination but they never really materialize, did they? BETTE And have you gotten a load of the interviews she's given lately for that stinker lady with the axe, or whatever the hell it's called? So goddamn grand you want to vomit. JOAN And now she's doing television? I mean really. Is that a face America wants in it's living room at dinner time? I don't think so. BETTE She wouldn't promote our picture but she has no problem taking her cow town carnie act on the road with Bill- Bill. ALDRICH Castle. BETTE Yes! But I don't understand is why you would want to work with her again? ALDRICH Well let's be honest Bette, working with either of you wasn't exactly a picnic for me. ALDRICH We did some good work together, the 3 of us. JOAN Did we? I'm not so sure? ALDRICH What do you mean? JOAN I'm seen as a joke now. A white faced ghoul. JOAN I let myself be over-shadowed, pushed aside. BETTE A grotesque charicature. That's the way I'm going to be remembered. JOAN I outlasted Garbo for Christ's-sakes and now I'm going out as a dowdy matron? The answer's BETTE No. ALDRICH Bette, come on. ALDRICH There is no movie without you. ALDRICH Just tell me what you want. JOAN I want top billing. My name before hers. BETTE I want creative control. ALDRICH Really? JOAN I want a big signing bonus. Jack Warner cooked the books on Baby Jane. I want my payday upfront. Every time I agree to a back end, that's exactly where I end up getting it. BETTE I'm through getting pushed around. ALDRICH I know exactly what you mean. MAN Five bucks. To handle your bags. HAL Cruise the parking lot, Teddy. Here, get lost. Checking-in Ms Crawford? Presidential suite's taken. JOAN You know why I'm here, Hal. Someone has been calling every rag in town claiming they have possession of a blue movie in which I supposedly appear. HAL Geez, Billie, that's awful. JOAN You bastard, I know it's you. You threatened to tell the world about me and Daddy Cassett. HAL I kept my mouth shut on all that, didn't I. JOAN Very expensive silence. HAL Hey! It's an expensive town. JOAN Why do you do this to me? When you came to Hollywood, I found you work. HAL As an extra. Playing a clown. JOAN Nobody starts at the top. HAL Yeah, guess you're proof of that. JOAN Christ, why don't you show some decency. This girl, whoever it is must must have been desperate. Needed the money for food, or rent. Whatever it is you have, you should burn it. HAL I ain't in the habit of burning money. JOAN No, you're not. HAL This is half what Molly Parsons is offering. JOAN That's all I've got to spare. I'm strapped. HAL You? Strapped? Queen Pepsi, USA? Miss big fat movie star. JOAN You saw Baby Jane? HAL I see all your pictures. I'm proud of my kid sister. JOAN That check is all you'll get for now. I'm at the end of my career. You want to call Molly Parsons? Go ahead. Ruin me. I don't care. HAL I just want you to remember where you came from, Billie, and how lucky you are. JOAN I have never been lucky. JACK WARNER L'chaim, Bobby. I told you it would all work out. Help yourself. Every studio is struggling to find their own hag horror picture. And we got the two original hags. ALDRICH The winning combination. JACK WARNER I know. You know, I think that whatever happened to sister uh. ALDRICH Cousin. JACK WARNER What? ALDRICH Cousin Charlotte. JACK WARNER You changed it? ALDRICH No. It's always been cousin Charlotte. JACK WARNER Alright. It's gonna be even bigger than Baby Jane. ALDRICH Yeah, I think so too. JACK WARNER I do. ALDRICH And you know who else thinks so? JACK WARNER Who? ALDRICH Darryl Zanuck. JACK WARNER Why are you speaking that betrayer’s name in my presence, Bobby? ALDRICH Oh come on, that's a little harsh isn't it? I don't think he betrayed you. I think he felt creatively stiffled and here so he just left. JACK WARNER Yeah, to form another studio. ALDRICH Well he always wanted to work with Bette after All About Eve, and now that he's back at 20th it's a perfect fit. JACK WARNER What? This? What are you saying? You shopped my picture around to other studios? ALDRICH It's my picture, Jack. And now Zanuck's. JACK WARNER You can't work for Zanuck. We have an agreement. ALDRICH No, no we don't. But I do have a contract, with Zanuck. Oh and I'm not working for him, we're partners. I have full autonomy. Final cut. And some respect. JACK WARNER Respect is cheap. And you tell Zanuck I'll sue. Fuck you! This is my genre. ALDRICH That's bullshit, Jack. I brought Baby Jane to you. I had to convince you to do the picture. I was the one that had the vision, I was the one that knew these two women still had something to offer. And what did you do? All that time? What did you do? You questioned me. You berated me. You underestimated me, to the point where I was questioning and underestimating myself. And all this talk about twilight and end of days, oh my God, well itmight be twilight for you Jack but it's not for me. From where I'm standing this twilight is a new dawn. JACK WARNER Oh my God. You know what? If the speeches in Charlotte are all as shitty as that one, Zanuck can have it. You fuck- Give me back my cigar. ALDRICH I didn't come here for your cigars. JACK WARNER What'd you come here for? ALDRICH I came here to get my balls back. You hear 'em clanking? BETTE Nice dress, Lucille. JOAN Well when I see how casually you're attired, I guess my enthusiasm for our little table read must have run away with me. BETTE Oh not at all. You can go straight from day to night in that gettup. You probably have plans after this to accept another award? Maybe the Nobel Prize on behalf of Doctor King? JOAN Hm. Give it to her. BETTE Matches. Goodie. JOAN I remembered your charming habit of striking matches on the sole of your shoes. So I found those for you. BETTE Can I use them to set you on fire? MAMACITA How ungrateful. JOAN Sh! I meant it as a symbollic gesture, Bette. I think we should burn the pages of our past up until now and start afresh. I know you need to hear it from me, so here it is. I'm sorry if what happened on Oscar night offended you. BETTE I don't want your half-assed apology. I want a promise from you. JOAN What? BETTE When we go in there, we present a united front. Bob, Zanuck, our co-stars are going to try and push us around, the only way we're going to get what we want is to speak with one voice, preferrably mine. JOAN I'm your sworn ally. BETTE Good. It serves us both. JOAN Shall we? BETTE After you. JOAN No, please. You first. BETTE Ladies first. JOAN I insist. BETTE No, please. MAMACITA Uh. PAULINE Big Sam approaches the painting of his daughter Charlotte dressed in virginal white. VICTOR BUONO I fought to keep this house, and to bring it back up. I don't have a son to give it to, only Charlotte, and she ain't gonna give it to you. BETTE No Victor, I'm going go to pause you there. This can't possibly be the opening of our film. ALDRICH What's wrong with it? BETTE A couple of guys arguing in a study? We have an illicit love affair, we have a Louisiana plantation to play with and our introduction to Charlotte is a goddamn oil painting. JOAN I agree with Bette. And I was also wondering, do we really need all these ellipses? “Only Charlotte dot dot dot.” Wouldn't a comma be more appropriate? Even a semi-colon. BETTE We're not submitting it to the Library of Congress, Joan. ALDRICH Ladies, can we just get through it once? Victor, from wherever you left off. VICTOR BUONO I ain't watched over my girl all these years to have some creature like you take her away. PAULINE Big Sam lunges at John but John shields himself behind a desk. BRUCE DERN Listen, I'm gonna tell you something. Your daughter ain't a little girl anymore. BETTE What the hell is this? A severed head bounces down the staircase and rolls to a stop at Charlotte's feet? ALDRICH Why are you jumping ahead? BETTE Because I'm looking for the changes that we discussed and I'm not finding them, what I see is, is chopped off hands and bloodied stumps. But where are the good character scenes? Where are the meaty monologues? JOAN Yes and does the syntax concern anyone else here at the table? I mean, Louisianians speak with a kind of music all their own. BETTE Don't get me wrong. I'm not opposed to blood and guts, alright? I mean Shakespeare for chrissakes he had a woman eat her sons in a pie, but, there is a fine line between art and trash and that line is plausibility ALDRICH Well let's keep our notes until- BETTE So if you have a head bouncing down the stairs and to all the world it looks like a rubber prop well then my reaction isn't scary, it's a joke. You know what I'm talking about, Joan. I mean that thing that you just came off of, right? JOAN Well, I don't know Bette. I think you sell the believability with your performance. And granted I mean we didn't have the most realistic looking severed heads on Strait-Jacket but the picture did a robust business and we drew a very young, very hip crowd. BETTE Well I'm not tracing around the country, chopping off heads. No one would ask Brando to do that. JOAN Brando isn't begging for a recurring role on Wagon Train either. VICTOR BUONO Maybe we'll find a solution in reading the whole story aloud. ALDRICH That's right, thank you. Um, uh, Pauline, pick it up from where we ended. PAULINE Big Sam grips his cigar box as if to smash in John's skull but then takes out a stogie to smoke. He laughs at the fear on John's face. VICTOR BUONO BETTE Oh for Christ's sake, you said there was to be no photography. ALDRICH He's up in the catwalk. He's not going to bother us. JOAN Oh, I didn't even see him there. BETTE Didn't you? JOAN I'm sorry you're not camera ready, Bette, but we don't have eight hours for you to put your face on. BETTE Do you think that matters to me? He's disrupting our rehearsal. Do you think anyone cares to see you mooning over a Pepsi-Cola. ALDRICH We are going to get through this if it kills us! Even if I have to tranquilize the two of you. BETTE No, Bob. Until you put some more thought into this script, you are just wasting our time. And change the goddamn title! JOAN I'd be happy to read both parts. Shall we begin again? HAL If you're here to smother me with a pillow wait 'til I fall asleep. JOAN Why bother? You're dead to me already. What do they say is wrong with you? HAL My appendix. They wanna take it out. JOAN Well that's a minor matter. But before you call around town with more lurid lies about me, here. To cover your medical expenses. If you’ve any decency, you'll agree. There's enough there to purchase whatever it is you think you have. HAL You mean my personal copy of Velvet Lips? Oh! So much for Joan Crawford being cash-strapped. JOAN I got an advance on my next picture. I'm going to star with some of my Oscar nominated colleagues from Baby Jane so the studio is optimistic. HAL Jesus, Joan, I'm lying here like a beached fish and you still need to show off. Hey, I get it. I was the golden boy everyone loved, you were the runt mother didn't want. That's how you're always going to see yourself. JOAN Do you think I actually give a shit who kissed your sorry ass back in Kanses forty years ago? HAL You think you're better than me but you're not, with your Queen's English, and your furs, and your martyr routine. Underneath you're rotten trash like me. JOAN Then maybe you don't want- HAL I'm keeping it as repayment for your shameful treatment of mother. NURSE Ready for the O.R. Mr. Leseur? JOAN Shameful treatment! Bringing her out here to California so she could decline in luxury. HAL You made her use the servant's entrance, you refused to let her take meals with your kids for crissakes. JOAN I didnt' want her poisoning them with her junk. I didn't want them to end up like you. HAL Let's go. JOAN Come on, Hal. The film. HAL There is no film, Billie. You said so yourself. ALDRICH Chops were nice. HARRIET The fish was dry. What time is your flight leaving? ALDRICH Six a.m. I want you to come with me. HARRIET To the airport? ALDRICH Baton Rouge. HARRIET Uh! Louisiana, this time of year. No, thank-you. ALDRICH Why not? Harriet. HARRIET Let's just go home. ALDRICH What's the matter? HARRIET Nothing. I'm sorry, you have to leave early in the morning and we can talk about it when you get back. ALDRICH Why don't you want to be a part of my movie? HARRIET Because I don't want to be a part of your life. ALDRICH What? HARRIET Because I haven't been for quite some time. And I never am when you're making a picture. And you're only happy when you're making a picture or going into battle. If you'd ever fought for me in this marriage as you do for one of your stars I wouldn't be saying this, and I hadn't planned on saying it tonight. But I want a divorce. ALDRICH Harriet. HARRIET And I have to believe that the only person who wants it more is you. ALDRICH Now please, don't say that. HARRIET Oh Christ, Bob! Somebody has to. And you won't. Maybe because you never stopped having a life. I'm not sure when mine ended but I'm gonna get it back but not with you. JOAN Mamacita. Here, nude-hoes for the twins. I'm afraid in those cotton tights they're beginning to look like overgrown toddlers. MAMACITA Please join me in the living room. JOAN Why? MAMACITA I have difficult news. JOAN No, now what is it? Just tell me. MAMACITA The hospital called. Your brother died in surgery. His appendix exploded. JOAN Huh. Just like that. MAMACITA Sometimes when the emotions are too many we cannot cry. JOAN Jerry, hello, this is Joan Crawford. Yes. I'm sorry to bug you after hours, but I was wondering, are the payments for Charlotte coming in alright. Wonderful. Jerry listen, do me a favor, please. Call City National first thing in the morning when they open and cancel a check for me. Yes I wrote it to my brother, Hal Leseur, dated today. No, he won't be needing a loan after all. Yes, thank you dear. Oh, and my best to Anita. MAMACITA There is a bright side. You do not need the surplus to pay for your brother so you are not forced to do the movie with that terrible Miss Davis. JOAN I'm not pulling out of Charlotte now, it has potential. MAMACITA It has potential to ruin your life. JOAN What do you want me to do, Mamacita? What? Sit here by myself? Toasting my memories? Hm? MAMACITA There are many pleasures still to enjoy. New friends. You are invited to parties all the time. JOAN I can't show my face without having a picture to discuss. If I'm not working I might as well be dead. Get some sleep. It's a long flight to Baton Rouge. PRODUCTION ASSISTANT Alright everybody, take five. BETTE I can't play a schoolmaid with these children, it's obsene. PAULINE Well I hate to break it to you Bette, but you're the one who insisted on playing young Charlotte yourself. BETTE You're just going to have to shoot me from the back. PAULINE We can't because we need to capture the evidence. BETTE Oh. Well, then cast one of these girls as a look alike put her face in the shadow and I'll do the voice. Where the hell is Bob? PAULINE Taking a nature break. Uh, maybe BETTE Alright the wheels are flying off the scene in there and you're out here watering the daffodils. Wha-- are you crying? ALDRICH I can't do it, Bette. I can't make this picture. BETTE What the hell are you talking about? ALDRICH Harriet and I are over. BETTE Christ. Is it final? ALDRICH Seems to be. Just when I realized there was a problem, she'd already come up with a solution. She doesn't feel like she's a part of my life. The crazy irony is that we were all going to be together on this picture. The kids have all got parts. Adele's working on helping with the script. Harriet was supposed to be here enjoying it with me. Now I'm just looking around I'm thinking this has ruined my marriage. BETTE I'm not gonna candy-coat it. Harriet is a wonderful woman, losing her is going to be bad. It always is. I know, I've been through it four times. But, I survived, and so will you. ALDRICH Twenty-four years, Bette. I don't know how to be alone. BETTE We'll be alone together. ALDRICH Come on. JOAN Well, perhaps our driver is waiting for us at the baggage claim. MAMACITA We are checking-in. HOTEL CLERK Oh, I'm sorry, we're all full up. They're shootin' a movie. MAMACITA We are part of this movie. BETTE Joan. JOAN Bette. Finally a friendly face. BETTE When did you get in? JOAN Well hours ago but there was no one at the airport to greet us. BETTE Oh no. But you made it. What a trooper. JOAN And now she's saying there's no room here for us. BETTE Nonsense, Frannie. Miss Crawford has a reservation for a suite. She's a part of the production. HOTEL CLERK Well, of course, Miss Davis. You just have a seat, we're gonna get that ready for you. Won't take but an hour. JOAN An hour? BETTE Oh, relax Joan, this is Baton Rouge, not Beverly Hills. Oh! My ice is melting. See ya on the set. MAMACITA She is enjoying this. MAMACITA You would think there would at least be a complimentary gift basket waiting for you. JOAN Well we're here now and it's not so terribly bad, is it? MAMACITA It stinks! They have put us next to the garbage. JOAN It's Louisiana everything has the sweet smell of rot. I've made a decision, Mamacita. We are going to put this dreadful day behind us and I'm determined to enter into this project with the proper spirit. In fact, I think I'll call Mr. Aldrich now, tell him we've arrived safely and perhaps give him a couple of the notes that I made onthe plane. Yes, hello. This is Joan Crawford could you please connect me with Bob Aldrich's suite, please? ALDRICH Hello? JOAN Mm. Bob? It's Joan. I just wanted to let you know that we have arrived and we're tucked away snuggly in our little bungalow. A bit of a snaffu at the airport but we're here and I am raring to go. BETTE Bob, hang up, the champagne is going flat. ALDRICH Well that's great, Joan. Well you get some rest. We'll see you tomorrow on set. Bye bye.