ADAM ADELL ASSISTANT_DIRECTOR AUDIENCE BETTE BUZZ CADDY DIRECTOR HARRIET HEDDA JACK_PAAR JACK_WARNER JOAN JOAN_BLONDELL MAITRE_D MAMACITA MAN MARTY MEN MICHAEL_PARKS MIKE OLIVIA PAULINE PROJECTIONIST ROBERT SINATRA TICKET_BOOTH_GIRL VICTOR WOMAN BUZZ Miss Davis? Buzz Gimble. May I say what an honor it is to meet you? BETTE I see Sid's got himself a Boy Friday. I approve. BUZZ Oh, I'm not Sid's secretary. I'm your agent. I will be personally looking after your day-to-day concerns. BETTE How old are you? BUZZ Almost 23. BETTE Almost? BUZZ Mm-hmm. MARTY Joanie! You look ravishing. JOAN Oh. MARTY You know the team. JOAN Yes. MARTY Would you care for something to drink? JOAN Oh, no thank you. I'd like to get right down to business. Please sit down. Marty, I would like to take the twins to Greece and Italy this year. Every young person should experience ancient antiquities. So when do you think would be a good time to schedule that? Well, probably not August. Gets pretty hot in Greece in August. Right, boys? MEN Oh, yes, yes, definitely. JOAN Well, no. I-I. I don't know what kind of offers have been coming in, so I thought we might review them and, uh, then I could plan accordingly. BETTE Nothing? BUZZ At the moment, but we're gonna change that. BETTE I wouldn't think I need to mention that I am opening a picture very soon. BUZZ Yeah. What I'd like to do is maybe secure a few things before the movie opens. A guess spot on Perry Mason, or, you know, dinner theater has become very chic again. MARTY There hasn't been any offers, Joan. JOAN Well, how is that possible? I'm headlining a major motion picture which opens in400 theaters nationwide in just a few weeks time. MARTY And we're very excited about that. Aren't we, fellas? MEN Oh, yes, yes, very excited. JOAN I did my part, Marty. I got myself back in the game. I found the project, I put up with that awful woman for months. And while I was suffering all that, what was William Morris doing for me? MARTY The landscape hasn't changed, Joan. There's just not a lot out there for a mature actress. BETTE You've heard the picture's stinko. BUZZ You can't pay attention to the tongue wagging that goes on in this town. They're always rooting for failure. BETTE What have they been saying? BUZZ Well word around town is you and Crawford won't be able to get arrested after the movie opens. They're saying you've thrown what's left of your careers down the toilet by doing a B movie. BETTE I see. That explains why I've been shunted to the junior leagues. No offense. BUZZ None taken. Don't give up the ghost, Miss Davis. Worst case, the movie bombs, and people forget all about it. You'll be back. JOAN Well, I'm sure once the picture opens, they'll be no end of offers. MARTY And we'll be here to field them. JOAN Fuck you Marty. If I have to find my own projects and wait for you to field offers instead of drumming them up, I don't see the point in having an agent, or a room full of fucking agents. You're all fired! AGENT: Hey, Buzz. Looks like you lost a client. BUZZ Somebody die? AGENT: Not a person. Just your credibility. Page seven. BETTE "Mother of three, 30 years experience in motion pictures, wants steady employment in Hollywood. References upon request." JOAN You must listen. I made you waste your whole life thinking you'd crippled me. PAULINE It's seamless, Mike. I can't see where the beach ends and the soundstage begins. MIKE Thanks, honey. What do we think, Skipper? ROBERT Yeah. Lock the picture, Mike. Make sure the optical print is ready for the sneak preview on Saturday. MIKE Do we know where that's happening yet? ROBERT It's either Pedro or Long Beach. MIKE Sure that's far enough away? ROBERT Well, I figure they're both ports. I can always hop on a freighter and make my escape. PAULINE Is the picture still running? Because you two both sound like a couple of old biddies. PAULINE Why is everyone acting like it's a failure when it hasn't even opened yet? ROBERT You hear that whistling sound? It's a bomb falling. It's gonna land in 400 theaters, all at the same time. PAULINE Uh-uh, I don't agree. ROBERT You know who goes to the movies nowadays? Kids and teenagers. I mean, nobody under the age of 35 even knows who these women are. PAULINE You're wrong there, Bob. This is where television actually helps us. Kids today- they grew up watching old Crawford and Davis movies on Sunday afternoons. They know who they are. And don't you forget, they said the same thing about Gloria Swanson ten years ago. ROBERT Sunset Boulevardhad Bill Holden. It's not the same thing at all. What you got there? PAULINE It's a script. ROBERT Oh, honey, I can't even think about the next thing right now. PAULINE No, no, no, of course not. ROBERT Hell, I'm not even convinced there's gonna be a next thing. So, you coming to the public execution on Saturday? PAULINE Oh, I wouldn't miss it. ROBERT I don't say this often enough, Pauline. I couldn't have done it without you. PAULINE Correct on both counts. Go on, get drunk. ROBERT Harriet, we may have to sell the house. HARRIET What, are you worried about the picture? ROBERT I think I may have misjudged the moment. You know, I wanted to get it done, I wanted a measure of control, but now we're. We're in hoc up to our eyeballs. If Baby Jane goes down, so do we. HARRIET Is it not good? ROBERT Honestly, I can't tell anymore. HARRIET Well, we knew it was a gamble from the start. If we have to sell the house, we'll sell the house. ROBERT Yeah, what about the kids? HARRIET We'll sell them, too. But I think we'll get more for the house. ROBERT You don't have to go down with the ship, you know. If you divorce me before Saturday, you might still get something. HARRIET Oh, I'm no fool. I'll wait until your next hit before I divorce you. ROBERT I see. So you'll stick around for worse, but if better comes along, you're on the phone to the lawyer? HARRIET Try not to worry so much. You know that you always get like this before a preview. PAULINE Mamacita. MAMACITA Miss Crawford is out. PAULINE That's good. May I come in? PAULINE It's called The Black Slipper. It's written just for Joan. She'd play a choreographer falsely accused of shoving a principal dancer off a catwalk. She gets locked up for murder, pushed around by some hard-bitten convict broads. Then she's proven innocent, and whisked from her cell to dance the dead girl's role on stage. It's a story about the irrepressible human sprit. MAMACITA You want to leave the script for Miss Crawford? PAULINE Your Joan's right hand lady. I know what that means because I'm a right-hand lady, too. You know better than anybody how to get Joan on board. I want your advice on how to do that for this. MAMACITA I see. Mr. Aldrich will direct? PAULINE No. MAMACITA Who is involved? PAULINE Me. I wrote it. And I want to direct. Look, I realize there is not exactly a robust tradition of women directors for me to build on. Only a handful of gals have gotten studios to trust that they could handle a picture. You think I'm crazy? MAMACITA I think this is a marvelous idea. PAULINE You do? MAMACITA This is America. No one can tell you you're crazy. In Werdhol, you know how you must live when you are born. Born to a shoemaker, you must make shoes. Born a girl, you must be a mother. Here, you decide. There is opportunity to become anything you want. I will make your case with Miss Joan. MAITRE D Miss Crawford! You're in early this evening. JOAN Yes. MAITRE D and looking particularly stunning. JOAN Oh, why, thank you, Philip. Yes, we're motoring on to Long Beach this evening to catch a new motion picture. MAITRE D Oh, does Baby Dollpremiere tonight? JOAN Baby Jane. No, and it's not a premiere. It's merely a preview. MAITRE D But the stars will be in attendance. How thrilling. JOAN Well, I'm afraid my co-star felt it more urgent to travel to Maine to visit her daughter. I actually think Miss Davis smelled failure in the air and ran away, but not me. Win, lose or draw, I'll always show up on time, hit my mark and promote the product, whether it's Pepsi-Cola, or a new motion picture. MAITRE D Michael will be your waiter this evening. JOAN Are they still watching? MAMACITA Is who still watching? JOAN Everybody. MAMACITA Yes. JOAN They smell blood in the water. MAMACITA They are smiling. JOAN Well, of course they're smiling. "Why, I can smile and murder whiles I smile."Jackals. It's just like 1937 all over again. MAMACITA When Hitler took Austria. JOAN No, when they labeled me box office poison.I couldn't get arrested in this goddamn town. But I was a young woman then. I still had time to claw my way back to the top. But not now.Baby Jane was my last chance. MAMACITA Maybe not. I read a beautiful script today with a wonderful role for you. Pauline dropped it off at the house. JOAN Who is Pauline? MAMACITA You've met her over 50 times, she works for Mr. Aldrich. JOAN Bob has a new script. Well, why didn't you tell me? MAMACITA Not Mr. Aldrich. Miss Pauline; she wrote this script. JOAN But Bob will direct it. MAMACITA No. She would also direct the picture. And you would star. JOAN Oh, Christ. A woman director.Well, it really is over. ROBERT Please tell me these canisters are marked correctly. At the preview for Kiss Me Deadly, the canisters got switched. The atomic bomb went off in the second act. PROJECTIONIST I hear this one bomb's in the first. ROBERT Just eat your goddamned sandwich. JOAN Well, it's time to face the music, Mamacita. BETTE All right, Blanche Hudson. Miss big, bad movie star. Miss rotten, stinking actress. BETTE Blanche. You aren't ever gonna sell this house. And you aren't ever gonna leave it either. BETTE JOAN JOAN Mamacita, they loved it. MAMACITA They loved you, Miss Joan. ROBERT You know, Warner is gonna have trouble hiding the profits on this one. PAULINE Mmm. Bob. WOMAN It's Joan Crawford. MAN It’s her JOAN Oh, thank you. Did you enjoy the film? Did you? Thank you for coming. ROBERT TICKET BOOTH GIRL Enjoy the show. It's a lot of fun. ROBERT Nothing more fun than a hit. JOAN "Oh, Christ. Miss Crawford is such a sweetly smiling fraud, that one feels virtually nothing for her. No wonder her crazy sister finds her a deadly bore." HEDDA That's what you get for reading The New York Times.It's one review, Joan. The notices have been uniformly good. JOAN Oh, good. Oh, there've been raves. But they're all about her. Listen. "A brilliant tour-de-force." "A brave and naked portrayal." "You won't be able to take your eyes off Miss Davis." HEDDA She has the critics, so what? You have the audience. You're the one they're rooting for, not her. JOAN You know, I-I really thought this film was going to be a flop. I really did, Hedda. And I thought, "Well, this is going to kill me." But now I wish it had because this is even worse. It's like I wasn't even in the goddamned picture. And now there's talk of Oscar nominations. HEDDA She'll get a nomination, but so will you. JOAN Oh, you can't really believe that. HEDDA They wouldn't dare nominate her and not you. Yes, all right, she plays a lunatic, but you play a cripple. JACK WARNER Bobby, my boy, we're breaking records. ROBERT Yeah, the picture's doing pretty good. JACK WARNER Pretty good? Baby Jane is the number one picture in America. ROBERT Well, that's just more like number eight so far this year. JACK WARNER No. For what we spent on it, it's number one. JACK WARNER Come on, sit down. All right, so what's this I hear from your agent, huh? I sent you half a dozen scripts. You don't like any of them? ROBERT They're all Baby Jane all over again. JACK WARNER Well, that's 'cause you hit on a winning formula. ROBERT It's not a formula, Jack; it was one movie. Which nearly killed me being locked up with those two dames. I want to do something a lot less dangerous, you know? Like a, uh, like a war picture or a western. JACK WARNER No. Let's leave the war pictures and the westerns to John Ford, okay? When it comes to two broads beating the hell out of each other, that's where you really shine. ROBERT No, Jack. No more "B" horror movies. I'm capable of so much more. I'm back now. I want to show people what I can really do. JACK WARNER Wh-wh-wh- Like your Oscar-winning masterpiece? ROBERT Why not? JACK WARNER Well. How about because that's never gonna happen? I mean, what do you think, you're like a big star director all of a sudden, Bob? I mean, no offense, but you're a journeyman. Strictly "B" list. Don't start getting ideas in your head that you're like Michelangelo. You know, you're the whop working in the fucking tile factory. We need tiles. ROBERT Yeah, well, even the schmuck in the tile factory has dreams, Jack. JACK WARNER Dreams are delusions. And right now, you're delusional. The next script I give you, you're gonna do. ROBERT Well, thank you for the opportunity of Baby Jane.I really appreciate it, Jack. But I'm done with horror and aging actresses. I'm not gonna say yes to anything that doesn't challenge me. JACK WARNER Okay. Fine. Go get challenged. But when your next movie is a bomb, or the one after that, you'll be back. And you know what? I'll probably take your call. Do you know why? 'Cause I got a soft spot for losers, Bobby. A soft spot.You’ll be back. JOAN Come in. MAMACITA Miss Pauline. JOAN Oh. Pauline, hello. No, Mamacita, please stay. This pile is for charity, but all of that, I want you to hang back up in the closet, please. PAULINE A little early spring cleaning? JOAN Thank you for coming to see me. PAULINE Thank you for asking. And congratulations, by the way, on Baby Jane. You couldn't pay for better reviews. JOAN I let the fans tell me when a picture is successful, not the critics. Pauline, I want to thank you for passing this along to me. I did you the courtesy of not reading it. I see no reason to venture an opinion on something I have no intention of doing. PAULINE Well, I wish you would reconsider. I know that it's unorthodox, the idea of a woman director, but it's not unprecedented. Think of the women who ruled the silent era. JOAN Where are they now? What do you guess prevented the next great wave of women directors? PAULINE I don't know. JOAN Well, I do, I was there. Money. Money came along. Silents were low-cost, low-risk. A producer might shrug at the idea of an ingénue or girl editor taking a turn behind the camera, but when the studios came to power, they moved women to the feminine work. Costumes, continuity. Directors needed stamina, leadership, fiscal responsibility, so men were given the bullhorn. And I can't say that we are any worse off for it. PAULINE M-Miss Crawford. I just need my first bite. Men, they will hire based on potential, but women, we need experience. JOAN I'm not turning you down because you're a woman, I'm turning you down because you're a nobody. And at this late stage of my career, I don't have the luxury of putting myself in the hands of a nobody. I have very few chances left. And my last chance is not going to be your first. I hope you understand that. PAULINE I'm sorry I took up your time. JOAN Pauline. You should consider yourself lucky. You get to work with the best Hollywood has to offer. And if you're seen grabbing for too much, you may appear ungrateful. PAULINE I appreciate that advice. OLIVIA It was a sensation. You have to understand that women's movies had been out of vogue for quite some time. I think the biggest moneymaker that year was Lawrence of Arabia. JOAN BLONDELL I don't think there was even a girl camel in that one. OLIVIA So with two women stars of our era to suddenly have the most successful picture in the theaters among young people. Well, we thought it signaled a sea change. JOAN BLONDELL We had thought we'd all start working again. OLIVIA Mm-hmm. JOAN BLONDELL That there'd be a flood of women's pictures. OLIVIA It didn't turn out that way. JOAN BLONDELL Sure as hell didn't. The studios thought it was a fluke. They always think it's a fluke when a picture carried by the girls succeeds at the box office. OLIVIA And they so often do. JOAN BLONDELL Baby Jane was hot. But Joan felt left out in the cold. She did what actors have done since Euripides-- she started hittin' the bottle. ADAM So you're saying, on the record, that Joan Crawford was an alcoholic? JOAN BLONDELL Oh, I'm not saying it, honey. Joan herself said it. Quote. "The twin curses of being a star are alcoholism and loneliness." End quote. ADAM Can you explain that sentiment to me? JOAN BLONDELL Well, the highs you experience being a star, they're incredible. When you're in a role, you get to fall in love. OLIVIA You get to be glamorous. You can tell people how you feel deep down inside. JOAN BLONDELL Oh, it's a constant high. And then when you don't have a job, a success, or someone else is ridin' high it gets very, very quiet. You can hear the voices of doubt. Pick up a bottle, and suddenly the party starts all over again. The pain goes away. JACK WARNER Get her. JOAN Well, look who's here. If it isn't Jack Warn- JACK WARNER What is this shit about you not wanting to promote the picture? Jesus Christ, Joan. I already have a cross-country tour announced for the two of you. JOAN I'm not traveling with that woman. JACK WARNER JOAN Besides, why should I promote your picture when you won't return the favor? I know you have been out there actively campaigning for Davis for Best Actress. JACK WARNER Yeah, I have. And I've been doing the same for you. JOAN JACK WARNER You got to get over this. This is one of the biggest successes you've had in years. And instead of going out there and promoting it and making it bigger, what are you doing? You're sitting around here getting pickled. JOAN I'm not pickled. JACK WARNER Like a herring. It's 11:00 in the morning. JOAN Look, Jack. JACK WARNER JOAN I need your support. I mean, JACK WARNER Jesus. JOAN come on, I mean, if she gets nominated and I don't, JACK WARNER Honey. JOAN I don't know what I'm gonna do about it. I mean, I need you to push just as hard for me JACK WARNER Okay. All right. JOAN as you are for her. Come on. Even harder. JACK WARNER Okay. Come on. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop. Stop it. JOAN Shut up, you asshole. What?! JACK WARNER It wasn't cute when you were 45, and it sure as hell isn't cute now. So stop it. JOAN You know what? JACK WARNER What? JOAN You were never in my corner. All these years, you always thought Davis had more talent than I did. JACK WARNER She does. She can act rings around you. But your ass is nice and your tits aren't sagging, so. JOAN Get out of my house. JACK WARNER Okay. You don't want to do this tour, that's fine. But when those nominations come out, I want you to be shaking hands and sucking cocks, even if you yourself are not nominated. Every statue that this picture wins brings another million dollars into our pockets. And you have a piece of the picture. It is your goddamn fiduciary responsibility. JOAN Asshole! OLIVIA Poor Joan. I sometimes feel that she had more trouble dealing with success than she did failure. JOAN BLONDELL Bette, on the other hand, well, she hadn't had a hit in years. After all that time in the desert, she wasn't about to let this one go without enjoying it. BETTE For daddy! MAN Hey, Bette! Where's your sister? Where's Joan Crawford? BETTE On the beach. Dead! OLIVIA For the first time ever, Bette seemed to enjoy her public. She seemed to embrace the idea of being a star. And she was gonna hold on to that feeling for dear life, because she knew it might never come again. JACK PAAR So what's it like to be the cat's pajamas? AUDIENCE BETTE Is that what the kids are calling it now? JACK PAAR I hear that you and your costar are more popular with the Brylcreem and acne set than Fabian. BETTE If that's so, I would suggest they send all their fan mail to Mr. Jack Warner, care of Warner Brothers Studios. He didn't want to make this picture, you know. You know what his initial reaction was? JACK PAAR No, what? BETTE He said he wouldn't put up a nickel for us "two old broads." JACK PAAR No. BETTE Yes. Can you imagine? I mean, really. I guess we showed him there's still a lot of life left in these two old broads. BETTE Hello? Hello? JOAN Oh. So you finally deigned to pick up, huh? BETTE I had just walked in the Joan? JOAN Please stop referring to me as an old broad, or I'll have to consult my lawyer. It's slander. And it impairs my ability to secure future work. BETTE The only thing impairing your ability is a fifth of vodka. This is sad, Joan. I'm sad for you. JOAN For me? BETTE Yes. Jesus Christ, we're a goddamned bona fide hit, and you're incapable of enjoying it. JOAN Well, it looks like you've been enjoying it enough for the both of us. BETTE Half the success belongs to you. JOAN Well, then I'd appreciate it if you would enjoy it half as much. BETTE Pathetic old drunk. ROBERT Sinatra's comedic contributions to the Western. He wants to rewrite half of my goddamn lines. PAULINE Well, maybe you got to snap your fingers to get the jokes. ROBERT Oh, I hope his limo gets lost in the Mojave. PAULINE Take a break. ROBERT "The Black Slipper." PAULINE I wrote it for Joan. ROBERT When the hell did you find the time to do that? PAULINE Well, if it's something you care about, you get up early, right? ROBERT I didn't know you were a writer. PAULINE I'm also a director. At least, I think I am. No, I-I am. ROBERT Uh, Pauline, I'm lost. PAULINE I wrote it to give myself a picture to direct, Bob. You said you couldn't have done Baby Jane without me. That is what you said. Well, I know how to cast, I know how to prep, I know how to handle the studio. And I am good. I've been there every day. I've managed more disasters than the Army Corps of Engineers. Of course, I realize there are things that I do need to learn about the camera. ROBERT Easy, partner. You don't have to convince me. You're good on story. You have an impeccable eye. And you handled those two old broads like a lion tamer. Thank you. Anything else you can pick up in a textbook. PAULINE So then you will read it and you would consider producing? ROBERT Why do you sound so surprised? PAULINE Because some men find it off-putting, imagining a woman in charge. ROBERT Really? What men? Oh, your friends at the old folks' home? It's a new world, Pauline. PAULINE Thank you, Bob. I will not forget this. ROBERT Well, since you're in charge now, why don't I let you tell Sinatra where he can put this? PAULINE ROBERT Boss. BETTE You don't trust women very much, do you? MICHAEL PARKS Why don't you trust people?! No, no! Go back to your-your fancy party! I don't need you! Go on! Get out! BETTE It's all right, Sergeant. I think I just lost a client, that's all. Good night, Tuffy. DIRECTOR And cut! ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Okay, that's lunch! One hour! BETTE Thank you. What a gentleman. I liked that. How did you think it went? Are you happy? MICHAEL PARKS I am happy. BETTE Mm. What is this big fish doing in my little pond? ROBERT Bette, how you doing? BETTE I'm doing television. I want you to take me out to a fancy, expensive restaurant. ROBERT You got it. ROBERT I want you to have this. Open it. BETTE ROBERT It's the one millionth ticket sold for Baby Jane,or that's what they told me. BETTE Oh, how nice. I hope I don't have to pawn it. ROBERT Yeah. I saw your Variety ad. BETTE Oh, that was just a joke. ROBERT Yeah, I know that's how people are taking it, but I know better. BETTE All right, I admit, I was in a panic. Everyone thought Baby Janewas going to bomb. ROBERT And it didn't. BETTE No, it didn't. And I'm still not getting any offers. ROBERT What are you talking about? You're doing Perry Mason. BETTE It's television. ROBERT There's no shame in doing television. BETTE Says the man who just signed Sinatra and Dean Martin to a multimillion-dollar Western romp. ROBERT Yeah, you're right. It's disgraceful how you and Joan aren't getting the credit you deserve. You should both be up to your necks in offers. BETTE Well, this town has always been a boys' club, and the boys are not polite. They're not going to hold the door open for me. I'm gonna have to kick it open, the way I always have. ROBERT BETTE I found a script. I want you to direct. It's about two sisters. ROBERT Bette, no, I'm not going another 12 rounds with you two. BETTE Crawford's not getting anywhere near this one. ROBERT So who do you see for your costar? BETTE Me. I play both parts. They're twins. ROBERT Didn't you do that already? BETTE 46. A Stolen Life.But the technology has so improved. And so have I. ROBERT We shouldn't be repeating ourselves, Bette. I don't think that's a good move for either of us. BETTE I understand. Completely. Don't give it a second thought. I'm really pleased for you, Bob, that you've turned everything around, and I'm so happy that someone is getting credit for our success. And now you can go off and make a big Western with the boys. And I have my little ashtray. ROBERT Oh, come on, Bette. You're gonna get more than an ashtray. We both know you're gonna be nominated for another Oscar. BETTE What if I lose? ROBERT You won't lose. BETTE A nomination is not gonna be enough to turn this around for me, Bob. I've just proven that I can still open a picture. If the offers aren't coming in now. ROBERT Yeah, but they will come in. And if they don't, I promise you, I will personally write you another big fat fucking hit. BETTE Yeah. That's what Mankiewicz said, too, right after I lost for All About Eve. I'm still waiting. CADDY Wait. SINATRA That's it. ROBERT Frank some of these costuming ideas, I don't think they're very practical in this context. You got cream suede boots, uh, linen pants, gold ascot. SINATRA Gold silk ascot. ROBERT Yeah, well, yeah, a top hat and tux for the act three brawl- I mean, come on, this is the Wild West, it's Galveston.You know, I mean, think of the dust. There's chaw spit flying all over the place. I mean, there's horseshit on the streets. SINATRA Zack Thomas doesn't walk in horseshit. ROBERT Yeah, and what about, look, page 33. You got Fifi shining your shoes, and you want Anita Ekberg to give you a shave on page 108? SINATRA Bob go to the club and get a drink. I hear a heart attack coming on. ROBERT Zack Thomas is intent on recouping his $100,000 from Joe Jarrett- that is the picture. Now, if every time we see Zack he's getting a foot rub, how's the audience gonna understand his ambition? SINATRA People know what I want, and they know I don't sweat getting it. Match me. VICTOR Zack, what are we gonna do about Jarrett and his gambling boat now? SINATRA Well, you don't leave me much choice. He now has the dock rights, thanks to you. But don't worry about it, Harv, opening night will be closing night. VICTOR I certainly hope so. I sometimes think I don't have the intestinal fortitude for this job. SINATRA The word is "guts," Harv. ROBERT Cut, cut. Frank, you're looking straight down the camera. SINATRA I'm pretending it's a mirror. ROBERT Well, that's fine, but just look to one side. SINATRA No. You go see a Sinatra comedy, you want to see his baby blues. ROBERT You're not Sinatra, you're Zack Thomas, and this isn't center stage at the Sands. It's a saloon in Galveston. Frank, listen, we have an opportunity here to make a picture that's saying something about the rivalry and greed that civilized the American West. SINATRA It's saying nothing but tits and fistfights and me looking like a real cool daddy. Come on! ROBERT Okay, okay, I'm not gonna argue with you. Let's go back to, uh, um... "You don't leave me much choice." ADELL Got it. ROBERT Okay, let's roll. ASSISTANT DIRECTOR Rolling. ROBERT And action. VICTOR SINATRA How can I concentrate with this beluga whale belching next to me? VICTOR Oh, that's it's a character choice, Mr. Sinatra. SINATRA Who asked you? Huh? ROBERT Okay, come on, come on. Let's concentrate. Let's go again. We're still rolling. SINATRA Come on. ROBERT Okay, going again. And action. ADELL "You don't leave me much choice." SINATRA I know the line, you stupid bitch. ROBERT All right, all right, that's out of bounds. SINATRA Out of bounds?! Who the fuck do you think you are, out of bounds! You're nobody. I ought to have you decapitated and buried in the fuckin' desert, you sweaty, four-eyed ape. They won't even mark your grave with an X. And no one'll notice you're gone! ASSISTANT DIRECTOR And that's lunch. One hour. PAULINE Warner wants to see you. ROBERT Yeah, why does that sound like a relief? Here. Sinatra's changes. Just put them in some kind of order. I'm sorry, honey. You okay? ADELL Yeah. ROBERT All right. JACK WARNER Couch. Don't be nervous, Bob. I asked you here because... I didn't like the way we left things last time. I wanted to apologize for my harsh and insulting language. I'm sorry. I was hurt, I felt rejected, and I lashed out. ROBERT It's all right. JACK WARNER Nope. It's not. Just because I made Bob Aldrich, doesn't mean that he has to obey my every command. You're not a poodle. Are you, Bob? You're your own man. ROBERT Well, thanks for that. I appreciate it. JACK WARNER Well, I hope we can still be friends. ROBERT Yeah, sure. Why not? JACK WARNER So I hear the Sinatra dailies are unwatchable. ROBERT Uh, we'll get there. JACK WARNER Yeah? I also hear that he's treating you like a halfwit toilet attendant. ROBERT Well, I wouldn't say we've, uh, we've hit a groove of mutual respect. JACK WARNER Come on, Bobby, you can't hide from old Jack- I can hear it in your voice. Your sphincter's clenching up. Which is exactly what I told you would happen. ROBERT I know you're getting some kind of grim satisfaction out of this, but I slaved over that script. I slaved over it. And this suntanned man-child is mutilating it. JACK WARNER Yeah. Yeah. No, I've-I've heard, I've heard. ROBERT What's this? JACK WARNER That's a gift for my good friend, Bob. Fresh, un-mutilated properties. Further tales of old hags. No, no, no. Now, listen, pick one, bring it to Bette. As a bonus, I will release your dogshit Sinatra Western. Who else would do that for you? All right, come on. Run along, now. I got writing to do. I'm working on my autobiography. What do you think I should call it? I'm thinking of Life of a Showman. ROBERT Yeah, that's great. Mm-hmm. JACK WARNER That's good, right? Yeah. Oh, also, good luck on Monday. I mean, in general, for Baby Jane. It's sure to pick up a few nods. But I want you to be prepared for the possibility that you'll be left out. But don't take it personally. You're just not the type that your peer group acknowledges. I'll see you later. ROBERT Can I ask you something, Jack? JACK WARNER Yes, of course. ROBERT Be straight with me. JACK WARNER Never any other way, Bob. ROBERT Do you think I have the potential for greatness? JACK WARNER No. ROBERT ROBERT Honey, get Frank. ADELL He took a jet to New York, Pop. ROBERT What? ADELL H-He said to shoot around him. PAULINE What is this, Bob? ROBERT Sinatra's notes, which I invite you to stuff into a Molotov cocktail. PAULINE No, this was my script. I worked on this for months, and you used it for scrap paper. You even read it? ROBERT Well, I-I needed something to write on, Pauline. It's not like I tossed it out. PAULINE No, you just told me to "stuff it into a Molotov cocktail." ROBERT Pauline. I'm drowning here. I'm underwater. And you're asking me to move a mountain for you. Even if you didn't pick the shittiest time possible, I'm not a miracle worker. No one is gonna let a woman direct a picture. You're in fantasyland. Now, if you want to come back to the real world and keep working for me as my assistant, good. If not, take a walk. Because I don't have time or energy to coddle a middle-aged boy singer and you, too! MAMACITA One slice each-- apple, pecan and whipped cream. With two Pepsi-Colas. PAULINE Well, no time like the present to develop diabetes. MAMACITA Miss Joan forbids sweets. She says sugar is a dangerous food. I take my thrills where I can. Bring the bill to me. PAULINE You don't have to treat, Mamacita. I don't need consolation. My mother wasted her entire life bringing us pot roasts on trays and ironing my father's boxer shorts. Not that there's anything wrong with domestic work. I only mean that Joan is right. I've got a good thing going with Bob. I can't throw it away on a pipe dream. I've got to live in the real world. MAMACITA But the real world is changing. Mornings when Miss Joan has a hangover, I take the twins to the library. I'm a new citizen. I learn about my country in the Reference Room. I read the Almanac, the Atlas, the Census Report. PAULINE You didn't tear these out of a library book, did you? MAMACITA This is the United States sex ratio. Look here. In 1910, there are how many more men than women? PAULINE 2.7 million. MAMACITA In 1940? PAULINE Zero-point-five. MAMACITA And now we outnumber them by more than one million. PAULINE Mm-hmm. Should someone tell the men they're going extinct? MAMACITA Not extinct. Minority. Men were first to immigrate. On frontier, only men, like bathhouse. That explains big 1910 number. However, men have shorter lives, because they are less strong. And many die in war. That explains the decline. Census projections. By 1970, there will be six million more women than men. 52% of total population. Do you know what this means? PAULINE A lot of lonely gals. MAMACITA Studios will have obligations to make half of stories about women, by women, for women. It only makes economic sense. Keep your head up. Your day is coming. PAULINE Mamacita. You're a real big-picture thinker. JOAN Mamacita? JOAN Hmm. MAMACITA Miss Joan. JOAN Oh. Oh, you startled me, Mamacita. What's going on? I asked you to wake me at 5:30. They're announcing the Oscar nominations today. MAMACITA Miss Joan. I want you to sit down.