ANTON DIANA JOSH KELSEY LAUREN LIZA LIZA_AND_KELSEY MAGGIE THAD WOMAN LIZA Ooh! LIZA Good morning. JOSH Good morning. I can't see out my window. That's right. You broke the bed. LIZA I--I did--You broke your bed. I was just along for the ride. JOSH So tell me about your first ride. LIZA My first ride? JOSH Yeah. LIZA You're really asking me that? JOSH Mm-hmm. LIZA Tommy Amoroso. JOSH Tommy Amoroso. LIZA Yeah. He took me to a Nirvana concert. We got drunk and did it for two minutes in his dad's Pontiac Sunfire. JOSH Nirvana--what were you, five? LIZA Uh...it was a reunion concert. It was, like, a one-night-only thing. They had this hologram of Kurt Cobain. JOSH When was this? LIZA Josh...oh, man. How do I say this? This is the easy, uncomplicated part. Let's not--let's don't weigh things down with talk of past or future. Let's think of ourselves as a couple of Buddhist monks just living in the present moment. JOSH Monks. LIZA Well, monks who have dedicated their lives to lots of sex. JOSH Mm. So stay in the present and have lots of sex. LIZA Mm. JOSH I could probably be persuaded. LIZA That's very big of you. Thank you. JOSH Speaking of things that are big of me... LIZA Seriously? LIZA I am now officially acting like a 26-year-old monster. MAGGIE You had sex with him. LIZA Well, not sex per se, at least not sex as I have come to know it. Because it was such good sex. MAGGIE Yeah? LIZA You know that thing that people describe when they're having a near-death experience where they're floating above their bodies and can see themselves on the operating table? MAGGIE Yeah. LIZA I had that. MAGGIE Really? LIZA Yeah. Except instead of watching someone give me CPR, I was watching myself in sexual positions I thought were only theoretical. MAGGIE Ooh, fantastic. Congratulations. LIZA No, it's complicating everything. I went over there to tell him the truth, and then I didn't tell him, and then I was gonna tell him this morning, but the sex was so good that I realized that if I told him, I might not have sex with him again, and I really wanted to have sex with him again, and then I did have sex with him again. And this is why I'm a monster, some kind of stealth cougar monster. MAGGIE Liza, you don't have to do this to yourself. And you don't have to tell him. LIZA What am I supposed to do, just keep lying to the guy? MAGGIE He's having sex. You're not hurting him. I mean, you're not hurting him, are you? Is he into that? LIZA No. MAGGIE So why don't you just enjoy yourself for a while? What's so hard about that? LIZA Nothing. Everything. You have no idea. KELSEY I am very happy to announce that Empirical is now officially the publishing house for the English translation of Anton Bjornberg's "Kaleidoscope of Life." We signed the Swede. KELSEY Now, we're on a tight launch for the fall, which will be not a small challenge, because the preliminary translation might as well be in Swedish. But I start working with Anton first thing in the morning, and I'm confident that we can meet that deadline. So I will need marketing and cover artwork by the end of this week. Great. That's all from me. LIZA Damn, girl. If I didn't know you, I'd be impressed. KELSEY I definitely want you on my marketing team. I'm gonna take you under my wing. DIANA Kelsey, congratulations. I don't know how you did it, but you did. I'm here if you need me. Liza. LIZA You're da bomb. KELSEY We celebrate tonight big. LIZA To our newest star editor. KELSEY I still have to deliver on the book. LIZA Well, that ain't no thing... KELSEY LIZA For you to do. LAUREN I cannot believe this is the same girl I used to have slumber parties with and talk about who we were gonna marry, Jonathan Taylor Thomas or Andrew Keegan. KELSEY Oh, my God. We were obsessed. Wait. Which one were you? LIZA Which what now? KELSEY Who'd you like better? LIZA Oh, uh, Keegan. LAUREN Oh. Ugh. Liza. LIZA Oh, yeah. I know. Yeah, I was a Keeger. KELSEY Oh, no. JT squared all the way. LAUREN No contest. By the way, we could so bang Jonathan Taylor Thomas now. KELSEY Yeah, we could. LIZA Yeah. Yeah, how have we not banged him yet? LAUREN Find out who Jonathan Taylor Thomas' publicist is, see if I can bang him. Also, Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Also, Tiffani Amber Thiessen. To Kels-Bells, all growed up and taking over the world. LIZA Uh-huh. KELSEY Hey, don't let me drink too much tonight, okay? I have to be sharp for Bjornberg tomorrow. I get past a certain point, it's not cute. LIZA Don't worry. I got your back. KELSEY You're my girl. THAD Hey, hey. What's up, ladies? KELSEY Babe, I thought you had to work. THAD I pawned a few things off on the assistants, but it's fine. They have it all. LAUREN Perfect timing. You can have my chair. LIZA AND KELSEY What? LAUREN I know. I know. It's tragic. I got to jet to this party in Crown Heights, where they're serving sushi off cisgender models. KELSEY What? LAUREN Don't ask. I love you. I am so proud of you. Muah. Muah. Love you. Brunette. KELSEY So you remember Liza? THAD Who? Oh. Yeah, hi. LIZA Hi. What a pleasant surprise. THAD Well, I couldn't miss my girl's big night. Oh, is there skinny margaritas? KELSEY Yes. THAD For a celebration? Boo. Phil, hey. Bro, shotskis over here. Tequila. KELSEY I'm so happy you're here. THAD Yeah. Congratulations. KELSEY Thank you. Hm. All right. KELSEY Ooh. THAD Another round. LIZA Uh, actually, I think that might be enough for Kelsey and me. THAD What? You're kidding, right? LIZA Oh, she asked me not to let her drink too much tonight, so maybe we should cool it on the shots. THAD Whoa, I thought this was gonna be a celebration. Who invited the fun police? Don't stress. I know you girls make garbage money. I'll pick up the tab. LIZA I'm not worried about who's gonna pay. I'm worried about her meeting with her author in the morning, which is important. THAD Sweetie, I move $50 million in paper each day. You don't see me ruining everybody else's good time, do you? Come on. You deserve it. KELSEY Okay. Just this one. Okay, and then water. THAD That's my ride-or-die bitch. THAD Mm. Hey, another round. KELSEY Whoo. You can't leave a shot on the table. Liza, party foul. LIZA Kelsey. Okay, can we please get some waters? KELSEY Uno. Dos. LIZA Yeah, that's cinco. KELSEY Ooh! LIZA Okay, remember how you said you pass a point where it's not cute? KELSEY Oh, yeah. I think I just passed that point. KELSEY Ah, love this song. THAD Oh. KELSEY Hello. Have I met you before? THAD Uh-huh. LIZA Okeydokey. That's my cue. All right. Come on. THAD Yeah, we should go home. KELSEY Home? LIZA It's time. KELSEY What? We're just getting started. I know what we're gonna do. Oh, this is gonna be so genius. We're gonna go. We're gonna see that guy that Liza's been seeing, Jeremy. LIZA Josh? KELSEY Josh. We're gonna go see Josh at his tattoo parlor in Brooklyn, and we're all gonna get tattoos. THAD Babe, you know I don't do Brooklyn. No offense. LIZA Lots taken. KELSEY Too late. I already ordered the Uber. KELSEY This is gonna be epic. I'm gonna commemorate my first acquisition. I've got to do something Swedish. Like, a little Volvo on my left boob or--or a meatball. LIZA Okay. Thad's going home. I'm going home. We're all going home. KELSEY Oh, I thought I was your ride-or-die bitch. THAD You are, especially if that ride's going back to my place right now. KELSEY No. Tattoos. THAD Fine. I'm out of here. KELSEY What? Fine. Go home and finish binging "Gilmore Girls." He loves that show. Our Uber's here. Let's go. LIZA Oh. KELSEY I can't believe Thad didn't come. LIZA That might have been the smartest thing Thad's ever done. Listen to me, right now you need to be more concerned about your meeting with Anton Bjornberg in the morning. KELSEY Bjornberg? He's so cute. Oh. I mean, look at those smoldering eyes. LIZA They're very smoldering. KELSEY Okay, I get it. I know. You're all sober and blah and snore. But don't try to tell me that you're not just a little bit excited to visit Josh again. Just teeny, weeny bit. Just a teeny, weeny, little baby bit. LIZA Stop. KELSEY That's more like it. He's hot. "U R HOOOOTTTTT!" Send. Uh. Yeah. LIZA Send? What do you mean, "send"? Please tell me you did not just send our prized new author a text that says, "You are hot." KELSEY Okay. I won't tell you, then. But I did. You should see your face right now. LIZA All right, all right, we're good. Let's get out. KELSEY Oh, my God. LIZA Careful, careful. KELSEY Oh, no. LIZA All right, see, I told you. It's closed. KELSEY How is this even possible? LIZA 'Cause it's after midnight on a weekday, and he's not a coke dealer. All right, can we get in the cab now? Come on, let's go. Let-- KELSEY Wait. Wait. Okay, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Didn't you tell me that he lived here? You did. You--I know it. I know it. LIZA He lives right there. But he's obviously out or already asleep. KELSEY Okay, well, call him. LIZA No, that's not gonna happen. KELSEY No, call him. Call him. LIZA Stop. KELSEY I didn't come all the way... LIZA Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! KELSEY I didn't come here to not get a tattoo! Call him! LIZA No, I don't want to bother him. KELSEY Josh! LIZA Stop it. Seriously, are you--are you insane? KELSEY I'm sorry. LIZA Will you please... oh, my gosh. You can't do that. KELSEY Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh, Josh. Hot man. Hey, hot man. LIZA Are you crazy? KELSEY Wake up! LIZA Are you insane? Stop it. KELSEY I'm waiting for the hottie with the body- LIZA Seriously, stop it. Don't you-- KELSEY I got--what-- LIZA Don't you make me take you out. I will do it. KELSEY Ha! JOSH Liza. LIZA I'm so sorry. My friend's really drunk, and she just threw a rock through your window. KELSEY No, no. I'm so much better now. WOMAN I'm going back inside. JOSH Liza... LIZA Uh, no. We shouldn't have come. Um... KELSEY No, I'm gonna get a tattoo. LIZA No, we're gonna, uh--I'll pay for that window. All right. It's okay. Taxi! KELSEY Wait. I didn't get a tattoo. JOSH Liza, will you just wait one second, please? LIZA I have to get her home, okay? LIZA You and all the tequila you drank need to get in that cab this instant! LIZA Get in there! KELSEY Okay. JOSH Liza. Liza. LIZA Two years of no sex. And the second I dip my toe back in, this is what I get. I mean, it's not like I have any claims on the guy. I mean, I'm the one who said, "Let's keep it light." It's just--I just can't believe that he would jump into bed with somebody else right after he'd been with me. Doesn't his penis ever need a break? MAGGIE Welcome to 26. LIZA That moment when I saw them together, my stomach just dropped. MAGGIE Maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is more than just fun. LIZA No, it's definitely not fun anymore. KELSEY Hey, it's Kelsey. Don't leave a message. I never check this. LIZA Kelsey, where are you? Bjornberg is here. DIANA Liza. Why is Anton Bjornberg sitting by himself in our conference room? LIZA Uh, he's here for his first meeting with Kelsey. DIANA Well, that explains why he's sitting in our conference room, but not the "by himself" part. LIZA Kelsey has been slightly delayed. DIANA How delayed? LIZA That is undetermined at this time. DIANA What are you, the White House press secretary? If you don't tell me, I can't fix it. LIZA She was worked up about today and nervous about the deal, so I gave her some Ambien. There is a slight possibility she may still be asleep. DIANA Oh, dear God. Anton. Diana Trout, head of marketing. Hello. ANTON Hi. DIANA This is my associate, Liza...something. Kelsey's been slightly detained. Uh, let's chat a bit about marketing. I'd be very interested in your input. ANTON My input is I don't care about marketing. And if you understood anything about my work, you would know that about me. You know what? Perhaps I've made a mistake here. KELSEY Hey, I'm here. I'm here. DIANA Oh, good, because he's gone along with his book, probably. KELSEY What? You guys couldn't have kept him here for five minutes? DIANA I tried, started talking to him about the marketing. KELSEY God, that's--that's the worst thing you could have done. DIANA Really? Worse than not showing up? I don't think so. LIZA We really did try to stall him. KELSEY Liza, seriously, I thought you had my back last night. Thanks for nothing. LIZA What? KELSEY I told you to not let me get too drunk. LIZA News flash: I tried my best to stop you. But you started doing shots like a Lohan once Thad showed up. And then you insisted on going all the way to Brooklyn, dragged me down to Josh's place for a ridiculous Swedish tattoo, and then you threw a rock through his window. Oh, and I did I mention he was with another girl at the time? So thanks for that. KELSEY Well, I don't remember any of that. And while it does sound awful, if you had been a proper wingwoman, none of that would have happened. LIZA I don't--I don't even have words to describe how crazy you sound. KELSEY You sound like a 50-year-old. LIZA 50? How dare you. You know, you asked me to look out for you, and then I do, and you accuse me of acting... significantly older than I am. You know, you can rant and deflect blame all you want, or you can own this, take responsibility for it, and go fix it. KELSEY You're right. I'm sorry. And I'm sorry you had to walk in on Josh taking some girl to Poundtown. LIZA Technically, I didn't see any of the actual voyage to Poundtown. She was really pretty, though. KELSEY I bet she's stupid. LIZA She looked stupid. KELSEY Like a big stupid cow. LIZA You don't even remember. KELSEY Hi. ANTON Well, our meeting was two hours ago. KELSEY Yeah. I was late this morning because signing you is the biggest thing that has ever happened to me. And I was so excited, I went out to celebrate, and I got drunk--really drunk--and I overslept. And I'm so sorry. It won't happen again. I promise you that. ANTON Will this happen again? KELSEY God, no. No. That will never happen again either. ANTON Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, then. KELSEY See you tomorrow. ANTON We both get one mistake. JOSH Hi. LIZA Hey. JOSH All right, so, um... listen, she is a girl that I used to date. And occasionally she still comes over. And last night, it was unannounced. I'm sorry. LIZA No, I'm sorry. I was unannounced. JOSH I would have told you about her sooner, but you said you didn't want to talk about the past, so... LIZA And is she? Not that that's any of my business. JOSH Totally. Yes. What about you? Huh? What's the story with your last relationship? LIZA It was so boring. JOSH I mean, seriously? We broke the bed in three different places. LIZA Um...it was a while ago. He was a poet when we met. He was really talented, actually. But then life happened, and he needed to make some money, so he gave up on his dreams. I had a relative become dependent on me, so, you know, that changed me. And then he cheated on me, so I left. JOSH For India. LIZA Yes, for India. JOSH Wow. That is some heavy stuff for a college relationship. LIZA Well, it was an Ivy League school. JOSH Do you think that I can maybe have another chance? LIZA I'm all about second chances.