ANTON BAND DAISHA DAVID DIANA JOSH KELSEY LIZA MAGGIE MAN SCISSOR_SISTERS SQUEEZE TRENT WOMAN LIZA Okay, there's a strong possibility I could end up naked with Josh in the very near future. I need you to look at my body and be brutally honest. MAGGIE Ooh, I like the landing strip. Nice choice. It's like the little black dress of pubic hair. LIZA But what about the skin above my knees? And I think I'm getting a cleavage wrinkle. MAGGIE What are you talking about? LIZA Right here. It's from sleeping on my side all these years. MAGGIE You know that you're an insane person? A cleavage wrinkle? With everything that women have to be paranoid about, we don't need to be making up new stuff. You look amazing. LIZA Don't look at me with best friend eyes. I need your artist eye. Josh is an artist. Oh, my God. He's a tattoo artist. All he does is look at skin all day. Taut, young skin! MAGGIE Whoa, whoa, whoa, what is going on with you? LIZA I don't know! I just--I don't--I don't know if I can have sex with someone who's barely old enough to rent a car. MAGGIE Liza, if you don't want to sleep with him... LIZA Oh, no, no, I want to have sex with him. It's just, I don't know if--I can't say this out loud, but... I haven't had sex in two years. MAGGIE Oh. Okay, well, uh, it's not like you forgot how. You just need to relax. LIZA Right. MAGGIE Yeah. LIZA How do I do that? MAGGIE Take one of my Xanax. LIZA Isn't it illegal to take someone else's prescription medicine? MAGGIE You're so cute. Maybe just take half. LIZA You've got mail. Oh, I love that movie. I mean, I love watching old movies on my ipad. Streaming them. I'm a huge--I'm a big streamer. I'm gonna go back to work now. DIANA No, stay. This is going to be a real treat for you. LIZA It's for me? DIANA God, no, it's for me. But you get to be the first to see it. It's Judith Leiber, made to order. Just cobra and stingray with antiqued gold hardware. Hematite, Austrian crystal, and onyx stone inlay. LIZA It's gorgeous, Diana. DIANA I just wish men appreciated bags as much as women. LIZA Men are visual. They respond to the whole picture, even if they don't know why. I'm telling you, men are gonna love that purse without even realizing they saw it. DIANA Let me ask you a question. Do you think I should change my profile photo? Maybe do one with the Leiber? LIZA Uh, absolutely. DIANA Would you mind... Taking a few photos? LIZA Sure. DIANA Oh, no, not with that. Use this. And run it though one of those fancy Instagram filters. KELSEY Guess who has a reading tomorrow night at the Swedish consulate? LIZA Bjornberg? I finished the translation you gave me. You're right; he's incredible. KELSEY His agent wants him to sign with Knopf. But I'm gonna get him to change his mind. LIZA And how are you going to do that? KELSEY I don't know. But I'm not above yodeling. LIZA That's Swiss. Swedes are more into free childcare, herring, and depression. LIZA Check this out. It's a tattoo Josh did. KELSEY Wow. LIZA It says, "You have to see it IRL." What's IRL? KELSEY In real life. When you were in India, were you living under an actual rock? LIZA No, but I did spend one monsoon season in a cave IRL. Bam. Used it right there. MAGGIE The last time I was in New Jersey, it was illegal to pump your own gas. LIZA It still is. MAGGIE Still? So same-sex marriage is legal, but pumping your own gas isn't? LIZA Yup. MAGGIE I like New Jersey. LIZA Will you check that for me? MAGGIE Ooh, hotty hotpants alert. It's from Josh. "Don't make me wait till tomorrow. Come over tonight." Oh, nice. LIZA What should I text back? MAGGIE How about, "The escrow on my suburban New Jersey home is closed, and I'm on my way to tag everything for the movers." LIZA Why not throw in the fact that I'm 40 and a baby's head came out of my Frida? MAGGIE You call it your Frida? LIZA Yeah, what do you call it? MAGGIE The entertainment center. LIZA I wish I had your confidence. MAGGIE Good, 'cause I'm sending some of it to Josh. LIZA I request final text approval. MAGGIE "Sorry to make you wait, but it'll be worth it..." LIZA Ah, that's good. MAGGIE "'Cause I am going to rock your world." LIZA No! That is not approved. MAGGIE Too late. I hit "send." I thought we were just here to tag stuff. Why is there a moving van here? LIZA The more important question is, why is my soon-to-be-ex-husband here? David! DAVID Liza, what are you--I didn't know you'd be here. Wow, you look great. Did you do something different with your-- MAGGIE She just dropped 180 pounds of dead weight. DAVID Great to see you, Maggie, as always. Still single? MAGGIE Still stripping the blackjack dealer? LIZA David, what's going on? DAVID Uh, listen, I got a great last-minute deal on these movers, so I figured I'd have everything put into storage. And that way, you could just go get your stuff whenever it's convenient for you. LIZA I'm having a consignment guy come tomorrow. I wanted him to see the furniture in the house. DAVID Okay. Fine. I'm an ass. Take it all. LIZA What? DAVID Yeah, I screwed this up. Take everything. LIZA No. MAGGIE Take it, Liza. DAVID Yeah, and maybe someday you'll look back on this and say, "Hey, you know, David wasn't so bad. Sure, he made a mistake, but he was a good person." See you around. LIZA Maybe I'm too hard on him. MAN Who's paying for this? LIZA Wow. You look--wow. KELSEY I'm going straight to Bjornberg's reading after work. Come with me. LIZA I can't. I'm seeing Josh tonight. KELSEY Oh, my God, I checked out his Instagram. He is, like, disturbingly hot. DIANA Are you two still busy braiding friendship bracelets, or are you ready to come back to work? LIZA Uh... KELSEY We were actually just discussing... DIANA Did you hear that? LIZA Hear what? DIANA Excuse me. LIZA Is everything okay? DIANA I got a hit. Look. LIZA Ooh, he's handsome. DIANA And he's a tenured professor at Columbia Medical School. He likes rock climbing; his Australian shepherd, Ben; and Sundays at The Frick. LIZA You love The Frick. DIANA I love The Frick. He writes, "I see from your profile that you are a member of the East Side Chamber Music Society. I am a member of the West Side Chamber Music Society. Could we ever bridge this bitter rivalry?" LIZA Adorable. DIANA Stop cheerleading and help me. What should I write back? LIZA How about, "Some rivalries are fated. Two households, both alike in dignity, in fair Verona..." DIANA Shakespeare? Won't that make me sound a tad musty? LIZA He's into museums and chamber music. I think Shakespeare's a safe bet. DIANA Okay, press "send." You always hope there's someone like this out there. LIZA I know what you mean. DIANA No, you don't. You're 26 years old. You have no idea what it's like out there for a woman my age. It's a tundra. Oh! Go. LIZA "Quoting the bard. How intriguing. Normally, this website is so fatiguing." DIANA He's rhyming. Rhyme back. LIZA Oh, okay. Uh... "The bard isn't hard to quote by memory. How did you enjoy your college years at Emory?" DIANA Finally, something you're good at. LIZA I'll take that as a "thank you." Oh. "Those times were fun. There's much to tell. Let's continue this chat IRL." DIANA Where's IRL? Is that Long Island City? Queens? LIZA It stands for "in real life." DIANA Ah. Yes, yes, yes! Type "yes." Yes. Yes! WOMAN He's won countless awards, including this year's Swedish Literary Society's Grand Prize. He's quite simply a national treasure. Please welcome the incomparable Anton Bjornberg. ANTON Thank you. KELSEY The whole thing's in Swedish? MAN Shh! JOSH Well, to first times. LIZA Okay. Sorry, I'm just a little nervous. JOSH I love that about you. LIZA What, my nervousness? JOSH No, no, your--your honesty. And also the way your right eyebrow's always just a little bit higher than your left one. Makes you always seem a little amused. LIZA Well, you're amusing. JOSH Well, what exactly makes me so amusing? LIZA You know. You're this cool, sexy tattoo artist guy. JOSH And you're this cool, sexy book publishing girl. LIZA You pay attention. JOSH I do pay attention. And for certain people, I lavish my attention. LIZA Lavish? JOSH Yeah, lavish. DAISHA Josh. JOSH Hey. How are you? DAISHA I'm good. Look how great the new tattoo healed. JOSH Oh, sick. Yeah, that line turned out great. Liza, this is Daisha. LIZA Hi. It's nice to meet you. It's a great...line. DAISHA Thanks. WOMAN Daisha, is this Josh? DAISHA Oh, yeah. WOMAN You have to do me too. I was thinking of a Smith & Wesson revolver, like, right here. JOSH Yeah, yeah, that's hot. WOMAN Yeah, right? DAISHA We should go to your studio and do it right now. WOMAN Yes. LIZA Uh, I--I should probably get going anyways. JOSH What? Why? LIZA Well, you've got work to do. JOSH Hey, hey. I want to be here with you, all right? And when we get home, the only thing that I want to work on is your hot little... KELSEY Excuse me. Some people from the Finnish consulate are getting pretty rowdy at the bar. WOMAN The Finns are here? KELSEY Mm. WOMAN Pardon me. ANTON Are there really Finns at the bar? KELSEY No. I just got creative. ANTON Well, that certainly worked. KELSEY Kelsey Peters. I'm an editor at "Empirical." KELSEY Sorry, I don't speak Swedish. ANTON You don't? KELSEY No. ANTON Then why are you at a Swedish reading? KELSEY Well, I read a translation of your book. I'm a huge fan. I think you're a genius. I want to sign you. ANTON Oh. That's quite forward. KELSEY I just need five minutes of your time. ANTON You know what, Kelsey Peters? Let's get out of here. Let's go and have a drink somewhere with fewer rowdy Finns. KELSEY Great. BAND You got me all worked up. I'm digging all your stuff. You got that thing I want. Give it to me now. You got me on my knees. LIZA JOSH What's so funny? LIZA Nothing. It's just... Wait. I'm sorry. I'm just a little ticklish. JOSH You just need to relax a little bit. LIZA Yes, you're right. I do. I do. I need to relax. Can I use your bathroom? Unrelated to relaxing. I plan to relax elsewhere other than the bathroom. JOSH First door on your right. LIZA Thank you. BAND You got me all worked up. I'm digging all your stuff. You got that thing I want. Give it to me now. LIZA Okay. Just relax. MAN Oh, my lord. Is that a Zahara stingray and cobra Judith Leiber bag? DIANA Yes, it is. MAN I thought so. Look at the onyx stone inlay. It's extraordinary. DIANA You know a lot about purses. MAN Oh, I'm a huge Leiber fan. I have a Youtube channel. So far, I've reviewed 38 bags, but I've never seen a Zahara stingray and cobra. If I were you, I'd keep it in a museum case. DIANA No, no, fashion is for enjoyment. I plan on taking it everywhere with me, to galleries and restaurants and... MAN The Frick. DIANA How do you know I go to--Oh, shit. You're the Columbia professor? MAN I'm sorry, okay? I just really wanted to see the bag. Someone like you would never agree to meet me. DIANA What do you mean, someone like me? MAN Well, you're this high-powered executive and you've got such fierce style and you're so cultured and you have this amazing life. DIANA That's what you think of me? MAN It's not what I think; it's just the straight-up truth. DIANA My life's not so great. Believe me. MAN Well, I bet you don't get beat up at school. And people don't call you "Little Miss Bag Fag." DIANA Sit down. What are you drinking? MAN Grey Goose martini, two olives. Club soda with a splash of grenadine. DIANA Excellent choice. Now, if you are very, very gentle... You may hold it. Would you like me to take a picture of you with it? MAN God, yes. DIANA Smile pretty. Well, that's the one. KELSEY I know I don't have as much experience as an older editor and I don't have a roster full of heavyweights, but that's also my strength. I have the time. I have the energy. I am wild about your book. ANTON So what do you think the book is about? KELSEY I've thought about that a lot. ANTON Mm-hmm. KELSEY I think the book is about indignity. We start life getting our ass wiped. We end life getting our ass wiped. And in between, we're just chasing money. ANTON And here I thought I was writing a book about my miserable childhood. But I like the way you see it. Really. KELSEY So will you come in Monday morning for a meeting and meet the rest of the team? ANTON Oh, that's very American. Already closing the deal. KELSEY I'm sorry. I don't mean to be pushy. I'm just--I'm excited. ANTON I'm excited too. KELSEY Good. KELSEY It's from my boyfriend. ANTON It's my wife. Hey. SQUEEZE Tempted by the fruit of another. Tempted, but the truth is discovered. LIZA I love this song. What year was this? JOSH 1981, I think? LIZA Oh, wow, 1981. When I wasn't even born. JOSH What? LIZA What? I love that you listen to old record albums. JOSH Yeah. I love vinyl. It's the best. LIZA Do you love it love it, or do you love it ironically? JOSH For real. I love it. I love all types of old stuff. LIZA I'm gonna try again. JOSH You are a little bit drunk. LIZA No. JOSH It's okay. I'm gonna go make you some coffee. LIZA I'm not drunk. No, I'm not drunk. I'm not. I'm just chillaxin'. SQUEEZE Now that you have gone... LIZA SQUEEZE Tempted by the fruit of another. Tempted, but the truth is discovered. Tempted by the fruit of another. Tempted, but the truth is discovered. LIZA It was so embarrassing. I completely passed out. Then I snuck out this morning before he woke up. MAGGIE You realize you roofied yourself. LIZA Maggie, I don't think I can actually get back on the horse with such a young guy. MAGGIE Of course you can. Listen to me. Your vagina just needs a pep talk. LIZA Excuse me? MAGGIE Frida, now, I know you've only been with one penis in the past 20 years. LIZA 22 years. MAGGIE I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Frida. LIZA That was Frida. MAGGIE That was Frida? Come on. She needs, like, an accent or something. LIZA Is this better? MAGGIE If she's a Persian dude. Anyway, the point is, there is this unbelievably exciting sexual world out there that you've been missing out on. It's time to come out, girl, okay? TRENT Uh... Uh, I can come back. MAGGIE Oh, no. LIZA No, no, no, it's okay. Come on in, Trent. TRENT Okay. So I took a look in the truck. I can give you $2,500 for all of it. LIZA $2,500? Uh, maybe you didn't see it all. MAGGIE Here. No, show him. LIZA I have photos here from when the house was staged. Everything is in great condition. We only had one girl, so we were actually able to have nice things, unlike the boy families. See this chair? It's a Stickley. And the dinette, this was my mom's, and it's genuine cherry. TRENT Look, lady, I get it. I saw it. It's worth a couple grand. I know the market here. LIZA But it took me forever to collect these things. I mean, I know some of it's sentimental, but it's got to be worth more than that, even as firewood. TRENT Okay, 3 grand. Final offer. You're not gonna do better. LIZA Wow. MAGGIE You know what? Let's go. LIZA Where? MAGGIE Brooklyn. TRENT Brooklyn? MAGGIE Yeah, Brooklyn. TRENT Everybody's moving to Brooklyn. WOMAN It's so normcore. MAN So normcore, totally suburban. It's perfect. LIZA Enjoy it! We're cleaning up. MAGGIE See, this stuff's not worthless. Brooklyn loves you. LIZA Oh, my God, look at this. MAGGIE Ooh, this guy's really into you. LIZA I know. That's why I got to tell him the truth. MAGGIE It's only a number. LIZA But it's a big one. MAGGIE You'll be fine. Go. Frida deserves this. See ya. SCISSOR SISTERS I don't mind if you're running around. LIZA Josh, I know that you think that we're the same age, but, actually, I'm four... Teen. That's right; I'm a minor, and you're under arrest. SCISSOR SISTERS I'm laying in bed with a whole lot of wonder. LIZA Did you know Cameron Diaz is 40? She's not gross, right? SCISSOR SISTERS Midnight strikes. I don't know where you've been, but I still want to make love tonight when you come stumbling in. Baby, come home to me. Baby, come home to me. LIZA Hi. JOSH Hi. LIZA I am so sorry I passed out last night. I was just really nervous, 'cause--there's something that I need to tell you. SCISSOR SISTERS Baby, come home to me. Baby, come home to me. It's a half past quarter to three. LIZA Never mind. SCISSOR SISTERS Baby, come home.