CAITLIN DIANA JOSH KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MAN MICHELLE RICHARD THAD TOM WOMAN


MAGGIE
You lost your virginity in your parents' basement while watching "The Notebook"?
LIZA
At least it's romantic.
MAGGIE
Chick flick. And what's the connection between 9/11 and first hand job?
LIZA
Both happened while I was on the bus to middle school.
MAGGIE
That was a busy bus. And while you were giving birth to Caitlin?
LIZA
Younger Liza was going to her first concert--Spice Girls, Asbury Park. I dressed as Sporty, though right now I feel scary.
MAGGIE
Do not let fear get in. You're doing this. And you're staying with me, so I can live vicariously.
LIZA
I'm nothing but a lab rat to you.
MAGGIE
A hot lab rat with a fancy new job.
MAN
Hey! Who's ready to go off the grid?
LIZA
Oh, look how cute Caitlin was then.
MAGGIE
Look at you and David. You actually look happy there.
LIZA
We were on vacation together in the Bahamas, where I later discovered he gambled away Caitlin's college fund. Memories.
MAGGIE
Mmm.
MAN
Are you sure about this? Because when I erase your internet presence, you're gone forever.
LIZA
I have to do it. I can't have the people I work with finding my life online.
MAN
I don't need the details.
LIZA
Wait, wait. I'm getting a message.
MAN
Don't worry. That bitch will never find you again.
LIZA
That bitch was my daughter. Honey, hey, I got your message. Is everything okay?
CAITLIN
Mom, I don't want to come home. I want to finish out the school year in India.
LIZA
Are you sure? I don't want you to stay if you're unhappy.
CAITLIN
No, I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm very happy. I met someone. His name is Arjun, and he's beautiful. His lips are like pillows.
LIZA
That's great, honey, and very descriptive. Is he in class with you?
CAITLIN
Of course he's in class with me. He's this premed genius, and he wants to take me to Goa this weekend.
LIZA
Honey, I'm glad you're staying, but I don't want you going to Goa with a pillow-lipped genius.
CAITLIN
Mom, how can you make decisions for me from the suburbs of New Jersey?
LIZA
Caitlin, I love you, and I am very glad you met a boy that you like, but listen to me carefully: do not go to Goa.
JOSH
I'll go to Goa. In fact, I would love to go-a to Goa with you.
LIZA
Uh, honey, you're breaking up. We will talk about this later, okay? Excuse me, sir, are you stalking me?
JOSH
Actually, I thought you were stalking me. I mean, this is my studio that you just happened to be loitering in front of, so...
LIZA
We're neighbors.
JOSH
I bet that's probably why we met at the bar around the corner. So, neighbor, what's going on? You got any plans tonight? You want to take a stroll?
LIZA
A stroll?
JOSH
Yeah, through the burgh. I'll show you all the sights.
LIZA
I would so love to take a stroll with you, but right now I am very late for this job that I can't be late for.
JOSH
Yeah.
LIZA
How's 8:00?
JOSH
That's perfect.
LIZA
Good day, sir. Oh, my God. What am I doing?
DIANA
And you're telling me this now, one week before the book comes out? No, no, no. We'll deal with it. What choice do we have? That is just effin' perfect. Joyce Carol Oates writes the best book of her career and Sue Grafton moves the release of her new mystery to the same date.
LIZA
She can't hold a candle to Joyce Carol Oates. I actually wrote a paper about her in college. "Joyce Carol Oates and the Riddling Nature of Female Desire."
DIANA
Well that sounds like a riveting marketing plan to me.
LIZA
Well, how are the reviews? I bet they're amazing.
DIANA
Oh, and do you think reviews sell books? No, your generation has absolutely destroyed all pretense of critical relevance.
LIZA
What about Michiko Kakutani from "The New York Times"?
DIANA
The only way a good review by Michiko Kakutani could sell books is if her twerking ass caught fire. JCO deserves a number-one debut. We need to sell her to a younger audience, to your fetus peers.
LIZA
Got it.
DIANA
Figure this out. That's why you're here.
LIZA
Uh, yes, of course. What's that?
KELSEY
Anton Bjornberg, the hottest writer to hit Sweden since Stieg Larsson. And better yet, he's alive.
LIZA
I never heard of him.
KELSEY
Nobody has. The book just got translated, and he's in town meeting every editor at every publishing house this week. I've got to finish reading this thing by tonight.
LIZA
Wow. Can I take a look?
KELSEY
Oh, you can keep this copy. I've got a PDF on both my iPads and my Kindle. Do you want one for yours?
LIZA
No, this works.
KELSEY
Hey, what are you doing for lunch?
LIZA
Possibly being eaten by Diana. Why?
KELSEY
I'm supposed to meet Lauren, and I could really use your help keeping her entertained while I read this thing.
LIZA
Sure.
KELSEY
Yes. You're the best.
DIANA
Back in an hour. And think about Oates!
LAUREN
Okay. Hector and Dorf made the most insane video for their new underwear line. First you think you're looking at a giant furry penis, and then it suddenly stands up and you realize it is actually a golden retriever puppy.
LIZA
So many of your stories involve penises.
LAUREN
It's totally gone viral.
LIZA
Oh, cool. Is there, like, an app for that?
LAUREN
So, like, no. Hector and Dorf are avant-garde fashion visionaries, and we planned it that way. Are you really just gonna sit here and read your Swedish book?
KELSEY
Yeah.
LIZA
I would love to see that video.
LAUREN
Yeah, no, no, no, I'll send it to you with a--oh, with some of our new moisturizer. You're developing crow's-feet. That is very unusual for women our age.
LIZA
Yeah, I know, I know. We have this premature eye wrinkle thing on my mother's side, and I spent way too much time on the beaches in Goa. The--uh, what you doing there?
KELSEY
Cover yourself, woman! We are not at Burning Man.
LAUREN
What? It's perfectly legal to be topless in New York. Plus it's Topless Tuesday on Twitter, okay? I need to tweet.
LIZA
Wait, you're putting that online?
LAUREN
Hell, yeah. #ToplessTuesday, #Lunchwiththegirls.
LIZA
I don't think she means us.
LAUREN
Listen, okay, I am empowering women. Breasts aren't shameful. Hey, ask Rihanna.
KELSEY
Lauren, you are doing this for the attention.
LAUREN
No, no, no. I need to feed the beast. I've got over 35,000 followers.
LIZA
And climbing.
LAUREN
Hi, hey. Like me on Instagram and Twitter. I'm LaurenHectorDorf.
KELSEY
Remind me never to have lunch with you on Tuesday again. I do not believe this. Lauren's boobs are trending on Twitter.
LIZA
No way. Trending? That's good, right?
KELSEY
She is like the Kim Kardashian of fashion publicists, I swear. "Lunchwiththegirls" is trending too.
LIZA
Just since lunch? How? Okay, I have a crazy idea.
DIANA
There are no crazy ideas, only bad ones. Do you really want to pitch me a bad idea?
LIZA
You want to get Joyce Carol Oates attention on social media. Move the release of her book to Tuesday.
DIANA
Why would we do that?
LIZA
Topless Tuesday.
DIANA
Excuse me?
LIZA
Topless Tuesday. It's a huge deal. Women post topless selfies on Twitter to support female empowerment. We could run a viral campaign with our fans on social media. #ShowUsYourOates. Rihanna posts topless selfies all the time and has, like, 35 million followers.
DIANA
Just another 35 million nails in our cultural coffin. Bring me a fresh bar of 70% dark chocolate. And get me Joyce Carol Oates' agent on the phone.
JOSH
I grew up in this small little town in West Virginia. They basically filmed "Winter's Bone" in my backyard.
LIZA
No way.
JOSH
Way. Yeah. I'm a total hillbilly. Who just could not wait to get out of there. So after high school, I bummed around the world for a couple years. I was in Europe. I was in Asia. Until finally I started apprenticing for this guy in Tokyo who was like this master tattoo artist.
LIZA
I love that story.
JOSH
That's why I totally dig that you lived in India for all those years, you know?
LIZA
Well, yeah. Yeah, living in a third-world country really changes your perspective. I miss it so much.
JOSH
Oh, oh. This is amazing. You have to see this.
MAN 
Somewhere...
JOSH
Look at this guy.
MAN 
Beyond the sea...
JOSH
He just drives around the city just singing.
MAN 
My lover stands on golden sands...
LIZA
He's terrible.
JOSH
Yeah, I know.
MAN 
And watches the ships that go sailing.
JOSH
Meatballs.
LIZA
What?
JOSH
Best meatballs in Brooklyn. Just stay right here. I will be right back.
WOMAN
Liza?
LIZA
Oh, my God. Michelle, Tom!
MICHELLE
Oh! Where have you been? You moved, and you disappeared from Facebook. I have been so worried about you.
LIZA
Yeah, I've been staying with my friend Maggie. She lives nearby.
MICHELLE
The lesbian artist? You could have stayed with me.
LIZA
What are you guys doing here?
MICHELLE
Oh, every month we come to Brooklyn to try out a hot new restaurant.
TOM
Well, by "hot," she means "overpriced."
MICHELLE
You know, we should introduce Liza to Richard. Richard is an absolute catch, also recently divorced. Promise me you'll call.
LIZA
I swear.
MICHELLE
Oh! Liza, it's so good to see you! Oh, don't be a stranger.
LIZA
Okay. It's straight ahead. It's straight ahead to the left. Can't miss it.
JOSH
Who's that?
LIZA
Oh, yeah, uh, it's just some older woman looking for directions for the subway.
JOSH
And she kissed you?
LIZA
Yeah. She was very... French. Oh. OMG, mouth-gasm. Oh, my God.
JOSH
They're the best.
LIZA
Right?
JOSH
Yeah.
KELSEY
Babe, I can't. I have to finish reading this book.
THAD
Why are you staying over if you just want to read?
KELSEY
Good air conditioning and better sheets. What, I can only stay here if I have sex with you?
THAD
No, babe. It's just been three whole days.
KELSEY
Okay, well, why don't you read something for once? That copy of "The Goldfinch" has been on your nightstand for over a year. In 400 pages. Okay? I promise.
JOSH
Okay, so this is where you live.
LIZA
Yep, with my roommate, Maggie. She's a really awesome artist. Multidisciplinary. Some might describe her work as really-- Ahh. One more thing you should know about me... I'm all about work right now. So no time, really, for personal life.
JOSH
Didn't like the kiss, huh?
LIZA
Of course not. No. God, no. I loved the kiss. It was superb. You're an excellent kisser. Best kiss I've had in years. Seriously. I mean it. But I...
JOSH
Yeah.
LIZA
The work thing.
JOSH
I got it. I will try and keep my distance, neighbor.
LIZA
Okay. Neighbor.
WOMAN 
You bring a joy with you, a certain peace that's hard to find. I never knew someone like you, who sees me clear.
LIZA
Morning.
MAGGIE
Hey. How was your date with Josh last night?
LIZA
It wasn't a date. It was more of a neighborly tour.
MAGGIE
That kiss was very neighborly.
LIZA
You saw that?
MAGGIE
Hmm! I felt that. And I was two floors up.
LIZA
Yeah. I don't need any more trouble in my life right now.
MAGGIE
Well, one woman's trouble is another woman's fantasy.
LIZA
My fantasy is restarting my career, not macking on some sweet kid who would take tattoo needles to his eyes if he knew how old I was.
MAGGIE
That kiss was hot, though.
LIZA
It was so hot. It's never gonna happen again. Ever.
WOMAN 
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
KELSEY
Liza! Oh, God, I finally finished that book. Did you read it?
LIZA
I'm so sorry, I didn't. I had kind of a date with Josh last night.
KELSEY
Ooh, that hottie you met at the bar?
LIZA
Yeah.
KELSEY
God, at least one of us is having fun. Thad masturbated next to me all night, but I did not let him break my concentration.
LIZA
Wow, I wish I had your focus. How was the book?
KELSEY
You know, the translation is a little stilted, but he is amazing. The book is about his life, but he makes every detail feel universal.
LIZA
I'll finish it tonight.
KELSEY
If I can sign this guy, it will change everything for me.
DIANA
Where have you been? I've been e-mailing you all morning.
LIZA
I'm sorry, it's 8:00 a.m. I didn't realize all morning had started yet.
DIANA
We have a photo shoot. ShowUsYourOates.
LIZA
Seriously?
DIANA
I'm always serious. Haven't you figured that out by now?
WOMAN
So are we gonna get to meet Joyce today?
DIANA
No. Not today.
LIZA
Sorry. Michelle.
MICHELLE
Lizey. Guess who saw your picture and really wants to go on a date with you. Tom's very available friend Richard.
LIZA
Wow, that's very nice, but I don't think I want to...
MICHELLE
Oh, Liza, honey, listen to me. What happened with you and David is terrible, and losing that beautiful house. But you need to take a chance, and I can vouch for this man. Recently divorced, very good looking, owns his own business.
LIZA
Wow.
MICHELLE
Honey, this is good for you. Just say yes.
LIZA
Okay. Okay, okay. Just give him my number.
MICHELLE
Fabulous.
DIANA
Wonderful. This is all very empowering. This one. More banner, less boob.
LIZA
Okay.
DIANA
Now post it to Twitter. God help us.
KELSEY
Word on the street--Bjornberg's signing with Knopf. His agent wouldn't even let him take the meeting.
LIZA
Well, then you have to find a way to meet him.
KELSEY
What do you mean? Like, stalk the guy?
LIZA
No, I mean don't let someone else's rules get in the way of working with a writer you're passionate about.
KELSEY
You are wise.
DIANA
I'm on Twitter and nothing is twittering.
KELSEY
You forgot the hashtag.
LIZA
Right. Hashtag.
DIANA
Liza, get in here. Look at this, look at this. ShowUsYourOates is trending. Joyce Carol Oates fans from around the world are freeing the nipple in solidarity. And maybe, just maybe, they will even buy one of her books.
LIZA
Oh, my God. I don't believe this.
DIANA
I know. We've gone global.
LIZA
Excuse me. I have a small Twitter emergency.
MAGGIE
Oh, my God. You are turning back into a pumpkin.
LIZA
Really? Way to make a girl feel good before a blind date.
MAGGIE
No, I'm kidding. You look pretty. Very ladylike.
LIZA
Ladylike. I'm not sure that's a compliment.
MAGGIE
Oh, 100%. I like ladies.
LIZA
It does feel nice to be wearing my own clothes. Some of those hipster thrift store finds smell like weed.
MAGGIE
Well, God's in the details. Anyway, it's great to see the old Liza back.
LIZA
Well, this old girl is about to go on a date with an appropriate-aged fellow whose references I might actually comprehend.
MAGGIE
Hmm, where's he taking you?
LIZA
Roberto's, this really nice Italian place in Paramus.
MAGGIE
Oh.
LIZA
All right, don't give me that look. I'm excited about this.
MAGGIE
No, no, no, I'm excited for you.
LIZA
Are you?
MAGGIE
Honey, you're my friend. I want what you want.
LIZA
Crazy thing is, my life just got interesting and I can't even talk about it.
RICHARD
Nobody thought that healthy food and Mexican food could go together, but I was a believer from the beginning, and let me tell you, Chipotle has been very good to me.
LIZA
That's wonderful.
RICHARD
Mm, and my ex-wife. She still participates in the upside, believe me. Mm... how was your fish?
LIZA
It was very good.
RICHARD
Mm. It's hard for me to eat out with everything I know about the food business.
LIZA
Sometimes too much information's not a good thing.
RICHARD
You know, when Michelle told me that you were 40, I thought, "Whoa. If I wanted to be with a 40-year-old woman, I would have stayed married." Sorry, that's a very--that's a bad joke. You're very cute.
LIZA
Thank you.
RICHARD
Now you ask me a question.
LIZA
Excuse me?
RICHARD
Go ahead. Ask anything. I know these blind dates can be awkward.
LIZA
How long have you been divorced?
RICHARD
Two years since it's been final, but it hadn't been good for years. Honestly, we stuck it out for the kids, who couldn't have cared less. What about you?
LIZA
It really hasn't been that long. We've been separated about a year. We actually haven't signed the divorce papers yet, because we can't afford the lawyers. We're actually too broke to get divorced. How's that for comedy? Or tragedy. Take your pick.
RICHARD
I'm sorry, there's just this one email I have to respond to.
LIZA
No problem.
MAN
Can I get anybody dessert?
RICHARD
Oh, I'm done.
LIZA
Yeah, me too.
JOSH
Hey, nut. You looking for someone?
LIZA
Sorry. I just really needed to do that. Okay. I'll see you around the burgh.
JOSH
Wait, that's it?
LIZA
For now.