CAITLIN DIANA ELLEN JOSH JULIE KELSEY LAUREN LIZA LYNNE MAGGIE MAN MARY_BETH THAD TOM WOMAN LIZA I worked at Random House for three years. I started as an assistant to a marketing VP, and then I worked my way up to junior editor. JULIE Wow. Impressive. LIZA At the time, I was one of the youngest people ever to make editor. I was 25. ELLEN I'm 25. LIZA Don't worry. You don't look a day over 7. JULIE And then for the past...What, 15 years, nothing? LIZA I quit to raise my child, Caitlin, who's now spending her senior year in an exchange program in India. Look, I know I've been out of play for a while, but I am a much smarter, more capable person today than I was 15 years ago. JULIE Hmm, I'm sure. LIZA I'm ready to throw myself back into work 24/7. I'm ready to pick up where I left off. JULIE Well, it has been quite a long hiatus, Liza. Things have changed. ELLEN 01:00:50 Facebook, Twitter, iPhones. JULIE iPads, eBooks, YouTube. ELLEN Instagram, Snapchat, Skype. JULIE Pinterest. ELLEN Bang With Friends. JULIE Seriously? You Bang With Friends? ELLEN It's way better than Tinder. JULIE Alice met a guy on Tinder last week who showed her a boob shot of a girl his roommate hooked up with, and it was her very own boob. ELLEN Shut up. And she could recognize it? JULIE Clear as a fingerprint. LIZA Hello? Hey. Sorry. Look, I'm not expecting to come back where I left off. I'll start anywhere. I'll read. I'm a terrific reader. I'll start as an assistant. ELLEN Oh, that would be weird. I mean, assistants are generally right out of college. You're way too o... JULIE Overqualified. LIZA No, I think she was gonna say... ELLEN Orange. LIZA I'm way too orange? ELLEN Industry term. Please don't put words in my mouth, Liza. LIZA Damn. MARY BETH They've lived here for 12 years, but then Dave had left Liza for Debbie, a blackjack dealer he was shtupping in Atlantic City. The good news is he left Liza the house. The bad news is, of course, that he took out four mortgages that she never knew about to support his gambling habit. I've said too much. You don't need the details. TOM I love a flat screen above a fireplace. LYNNE I don't know. Sounds like the home of a woman who lives with her cats and is gonna die alone. MARY BETH Not in this house, she won't. She can't afford to. Now, either someone buys this place by next week, or it goes to the bank. TOM Can she leave the TV? LIZA Hi. Can I get anybody anything? Coffee? Tea? Cyanide? CAITLIN Mom. I'm trying to have a cultural experience. You can't call me every day. LIZA Caitlin, I do not call you every day. It just seems that way because of the time difference. CAITLIN LIZA But I want you to know we're selling the house. So you may want to come home from Bombay early. CAITLIN Mom, it's Mumbai, and you just want me to come home to help you pack. LIZA That is not true. I miss you. CAITLIN It's just because you don't have anything else going on in your life right now. LIZA Excuse me? CAITLIN You're just feeling hurt and rejected since Dad left. LIZA Well, thanks for putting that in a nutshell and stabbing me with it. CAITLIN Okay, I think you're so brilliant, and you used to have such a cool job. You should really go back to work. LIZA Well, you're gonna be late for class. I'll call you tomorrow. CAITLIN Bye, Mom. I love you. LIZA How is that the older and more experienced you are the less desirable you become? MAGGIE You're talking about your marriage again? LIZA No, finding work. I have gone on over a dozen interviews, and these young girls seem to take a special pleasure in rubbing my age in my face. MAGGIE Oh, you must want to spank them. LIZA It's like I woke up one day, realized my marriage was a big lie, and I'd become Ruth Van Wrinkle. MAGGIE Liza, you did the right thing for the time. LIZA No, you did the right thing. You followed your artistic dreams, you stuck with the lesbian thing, and you moved to Brooklyn before it become hot. MAGGIE Excuse me, I moved to Brooklyn because I couldn't afford Manhattan. And now thanks to all these bearded cheese mongers and chicks that look like Macaulay Culkin, I can't afford Brooklyn. You know what? I got to pee. Order, like, six more of these, and then we'll go dancing and we'll split that hit of Ecstasy I've been saving since 1998. Excuse me. LIZA Excuse me. Sir. Mr. Bartender. Hello. Hello! Really? Hello? JOSH Oh. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey, hey. You don't wave a shoe. Never wave a shoe. In Thailand, that's considered a capital offense. LIZA And you've been to Thailand? JOSH No, but I have been to Myanmar. LIZA Which used to be Burma. JOSH Back in the day. LIZA I knew that. JOSH What are you having here? LIZA Uh, skinny margarita. Six of 'em. JOSH Really? Tyler, two shots of bourbon. Trust me. Um, I'm Josh. LIZA I'm Liza. So are these for real, or can you scrub 'em off whenever you want to? JOSH Scrub them off. Why would I--Why would I want to scrub these off? LIZA My bad. You'll definitely want to take that skull with the rose between its teeth to your grave. JOSH I--It's what I do. I'm a tattoo artist. LIZA I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to insult your work. Do you have your own parlor? JOSH Parlor? You're not really from around here, are you? LIZA Just over the bridge. JOSH Yeah. I figured. I have my own studio. It's more of like a lounge, really. Body art's this really personal experience. It's important that everybody feels comfortable. So here's to being comfortable. LIZA You must get a lot of crazy requests. JOSH Oh, you have no idea. Last week I tattooed the insides of Lena Dunham's ass cheeks. LIZA What? Why? JOSH Said she wanted to keep something private. LIZA Who's Lena Dunham? JOSH That's funny. So what about you? Hmm? What do you do? LIZA Um, I'm actually--I'm actually looking for work right now, in publishing. JOSH Okay, and how's that going? LIZA It could be better. I took a bit of a sabbatical. JOSH Nice. Doing what? LIZA I... Um, worked on a novel. And, um... And I did some volunteer work in India. JOSH That's amazing. LIZA I know, yeah. I call it my "eat, pray, endure chronic diarrhea" period. JOSH I'm gonna steal your cell phone for a second. LIZA Wait a minute. Why? JOSH Just relax, scaredy-cat. LIZA What are you doing? JOSH I'm taking a picture of my junk. No. I'm adding myself to your calendar right here, next Thursday. LIZA Are you asking me on a date? JOSH Is that a yes? LIZA I don't know. Let me see that junk shot first. Oh, my God. I totally thought that was gonna sound flirty, but it came out creepy. JOSH It came out really sexy if you ask me. LIZA Please give me my phone. You are way too young for me. JOSH Whoa, whoa. I'm 26, dude. I mean, we got to be the same age, give or take. LIZA My phone. MAGGIE Hey. LIZA Hey, this is my girlfriend, Maggie. My friend who is a girl, named Maggie. And we need to get going. Yes. MAGGIE Okay. LIZA It was very nice to meet you. JOSH Yeah. LIZA Dude. JOSH LIZA Oh, my God. MAGGIE Wait, what are you doing? He was hot. LIZA I know, and I think he raped my phone. MAGGIE What? Get back in there. LIZA Oh, no, no, no. He thought I was in my 20s. MAGGIE What? LIZA Yes. What do they put in the drinks in that place, and how do we get it into the water supply? MAGGIE You know, actually that's not a totally ludicrous assumption. LIZA We were discussing his junk, which I believe means "penis," by the way. MAGGIE Uh-huh. You know, come over. I want to show you something. LIZA I've seen your weird nipple. MAGGIE No, not that. Look at yourself. You've got a great figure, great hair, great legs. I mean, that's what people see when they look at you. They don't see a number. LIZA The bar was dark, and the guy was drunk. MAGGIE Liza, you've always looked good for your age. I mean, you were getting carded until you were 30. LIZA I know, and my husband still leaves me for a younger woman. How's that for irony? MAGGIE Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself and listen to me? What, no one wants to hire a 40-year-old has-been? Tell 'em you're 26. LIZA Are you insane? Nobody's gonna believe that. MAGGIE People believe what you tell them. They believe the Real Housewives are real. They think that coconut water is gonna shrink their ass. They'll believe you're 26. LIZA I'm gonna need some highlights. MAGGIE Oh, girl, we're going way bigger than that. WOMAN Like a birth in reverse, what I saw through the blinds, you could say that I'm saying, phenomenal lies on the cosmic eternity party line. MAGGIE Who inspires you? LIZA Katniss Everdeen. MAGGIE Favorite band. LIZA One Direction. MAGGIE More specifically? LIZA Harry. MAGGIE You're ready. Yes. DIANA Hmm. You've been out of school for... Four years? LIZA Mm-hmm. DIANA What have you been doing? LIZA Mostly volunteer work in India and working on a novel. DIANA Oh. Well... I see. And now you're ready for some real life. LIZA I'm ready for a job. DIANA Yes, well, I'm sorry to say there's not a lot here that suggests a work ethic. LIZA Uh... Dartmouth. DIANA Every young person who applies for this job is an Ivy League English major. Can you answer phones for eight hours at a stretch without texting your friends? Can you make strong coffee, never wear perfume, and not annoy me? LIZA Okay, could you give me some guidelines? I mean, regarding what constitutes annoying behavior? DIANA That's an annoying question. LIZA Noted. DIANA I'm not here to give you guidelines or hold your hand or, God forbid, ever read that novel you've been working on since college. LIZA I understand. I'm a very hard worker. I will figure out how to make your life easier and how never to annoy you. DIANA Tell me, Leslie, what would you say makes you... Special? LIZA I'm a grown-up. I don't think I'm special. Yes. Yes. MAGGIE Hey, it's Maggie. Leave a message. LIZA Maggie, you won't believe this. I got the job. I am working for Diana Trout, head of marketing. 26. KELSEY Congrats. LIZA Oh. Thanks. KELSEY Or maybe I should say, my condolences. LIZA Excuse me? KELSEY Oh. Sorry. I'm Kelsey Peters. I'm an editor here, and I saw you meeting with Diana Trout. LIZA Liza Miller. And I'm sure she's no picnic, but I'm just really happy to have a job. KELSEY Of course. I didn't mean to [bleep] in your cheerios. LIZA Okay. KELSEY It's a pretty cool company. I started working here right out of college as an assistant, and I just made junior editor six months ago. LIZA Wow. KELSEY Yeah. So basically I was you two years ago. LIZA If you say so. So what's the problem with Diana Trout? KELSEY The problem with Trout Pout is that she's 43 and divorced. LIZA Wow. Tragic. KELSEY She sees girls like us come in here with our fresh ovaries and our faces plumped with natural elasticity and she just wants to destroy us. LIZA Well, thanks for the warning. KELSEY No problem. It's called paying it forward. As Taylor Swift said, there is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. I've got your back, girl. LIZA Thanks. Girl. WOMAN Girl, you better wake up, girl, you better run first thing in the morning, faster than a bullet coming out of that gun, tells you that he loves you, then you take it all back. DIANA I need you to set up a Twitter account for Jane Austen and start writing her tweets. LIZA Jane Austen? Dead Jane Austen? DIANA Yes, we're releasing "Pride and Prejudice" as an eBook. We need to make some noise in the Twitterverse. LIZA You want me to tweet? DIANA As Jane. Are you deaf? Is that how you got into Dartmouth? LIZA No, of course not. DIANA Put it on Facebook and Match.com. And Christian Mingle. Not hot enough! KELSEY Hey, lady. How's the first day going? LIZA Oh, it's going great. Really great. Hanging in. KELSEY Good. You want to come join some friends after work for Krav Maga? LIZA 01:12:42 Sure. That sounds fun. Refresh my memory. Is that a bird or cocktail? KELSEY You're funny. KELSEY Oh, my God, you totally kicked ass in there. LIZA More like I got my ass kicked. KELSEY Liza, this is Lauren. She's a publicist at Hector and Dorf. LAUREN Hey, oh, I'm so sorry. I think I accidentally punched you in the tit. LIZA Oh, it's all good. KELSEY Hey, come have a drink. I want you to meet Thad. LIZA Who's Thad? KELSEY He's my boyfriend. He's a hedge fund guy, but don't hold that against him. He's really great. LIZA Cool. LAUREN Oh, my God. KELSEY What? LIZA What? LAUREN That bush. KELSEY Wow. LAUREN Oh, it looks like my mother's vagina. KELSEY Don't you wax? LIZA I, uh--I just came back from three years in India. LAUREN Hey, can I put the bush up on Instagram for Hector and Dorf? They're always looking for inspiration. LIZA No, you may not. And for your information, I call it a Wisconsin. KELSEY THAD So what year did you say you graduated Dartmouth? LIZA Oh, that must have been, God... '08. THAD Oh, so you must know Craig Fowler. LIZA Oh, yeah. Everybody knows Fowler. Fowler loved the ladies. THAD Fowler is gay. LIZA Right. He loved the ladies as friends, and he loved the dudes for the hot sex. THAD Babe, I'm empty here. KELSEY Oh, sorry. I'll be right back. THAD Yeah, he works at our firm, but I think he was '06, but I bet you guys know a ton of people in common. LIZA No, I didn't have much of a social life. I participated in a lot of sit-ins, so I got arrested, like, every weekend. THAD And then you spent three years in India. LIZA Yeah, about that. THAD Doing what? LIZA Working for various charity organizations. THAD Such as... LIZA Excuse me, is this a background check? THAD Oh, no, no. I'm just curious. I think it's cool. LIZA Cool? Yeah, it wasn't cool, Thad. It was a war zone. That's what real poverty is; it's a war zone. With all its attended misery, bad hygiene, and deprivation. KELSEY Is that why your bush turned gray? LIZA Yeah. Partially gray. 'Cause of some of the things I saw, and maybe some of the things I smelled. Yeah, I don't know. I have quite processed it all yet. KELSEY Wow. WOMAN Smile for the people meeting every day. LIZA Let me ask you something, you've seen a lot of vaginas, right? MAGGIE Hmm, I've seen my fair share. LIZA So... What's in style? MAGGIE Why do you ask? LIZA Well, last night at the gym, I was almost busted when I was changing. Apparently nobody under 30 looks a day over 12 down there. MAGGIE I've got someone that can help you with that. I know this girl--well, technically she's a man now, but he's great. LIZA Oh, God, this is insane. MAGGIE So keep the bush. I mean, I hear it's coming back in style, anyways. LIZA No, I mean, insane thinking I can get away with this. Do I really want to trade my dignity, wisdom, and self-respect for another chance at my 20s? MAGGIE Yes. Yes, you do. LIZA Jane Austen has over 1,000 followers. How cool is that? DIANA Am I supposed to congratulate you? LIZA No, I just thought... DIANA Just expected a gold star for doing your job. That's the problem with your generation, Leslie. LIZA Right. By the way... I have another idea for the "Pride and Prejudice" reissue. Maybe we could ask a writer like J.K. Rowling or Stephenie Meyer to write an intro. It would be a really great marketing hook. DIANA Oh, is that your idea of a really great marketing hook? Poaching a world-class writer from a rival publishing house to promote one of our reissues? It's time for a staff meeting. You should be fetching me coffee. Not pitching me ridiculous ideas. LIZA You're right. She is that bad. KELSEY Told you; You got to just suck it up for at least a year, and then with my help, you could have her job. LIZA What? No. I'm just happy to have a job. KELSEY Liza, Trout Pout is 43. She says she's 41, but, trust me, I know. She lies about her age. How pathetic is that? LIZA Ha. Totes pathetic. Hashtag pathetic. KELSEY Exactly. She's hit her head on the glass ceiling so many times, she's got dementia. LIZA Kelsey, I don't understand. You are such a strong woman at work, but then around Thad... KELSEY What? What about Thad? LIZA I just don't like the way he treats you. KELSEY What are you talking about? LIZA A little subservient? You can't let men get away with that. KELSEY Girl, I like doing things for my man. Lighten up, Judge Judy. MAN Amazon is promising us the home page for three days. We're also providing free interactive study guides to every high school. DIANA Well, love the art, but we're going to need a better hook if you want us to market these. What if we got a world-class author from our own stable to write the intros to the Austen books? WOMAN Jennifer Weiner's book drops next month, and I happen to know she loves Austen. DIANA Perfect. MAN Ass, titties, ass and titties. MAN All right, who's the gangster? MAN Ass and titties, ass, titties. DIANA Are you serious? MAN Ass, ass, titties, titties. DIANA Get out! LIZA Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. MAN Come on, ho. KELSEY Oh, my God, what is happening? Give me that. LIZA I have no idea. Somebody's been messing with my phone. KELSEY Hmm. Looks like you have a date tonight with Josh. And Josh is cute. Where is he taking you? LIZA Uh, no, I can't. Trout Pout has me buried with work. KELSEY Liza, are you crazy? We're only in our 20s once. LIZA I know, you're right. It's true. KELSEY Well, you got to live it. Before you know it, you're gonna be in your 40s, living in a house in the suburbs with a husband who watches TV all night while you're in your bathtub, spritzing your shower hose on your special place. LIZA I think they call it a wand. Help me with my makeup. KELSEY Yes. WOMAN Ah, ooh. WOMAN Ah, ooh, ah, ooh, I lost everything. LIZA Caitlin, hey. Is everything okay? CAITLIN Mom, where have you been? You haven't called in a week. LIZA I was trying to give you your space. CAITLIN Well, I didn't mean for you to ignore me. LIZA I'm sorry. How's Mumbai? CAITLIN I miss home, and I miss you, Mom. Please don't sell the house. LIZA Don't worry. We'll find another. CAITLIN It's just all hitting me. You know, you and Dad, and it's just so sad, and... I hate curry. LIZA It's gonna be okay. I promise. CAITLIN I want to come home. LIZA Then come home. Come home, honey. CAITLIN Where will we live? LIZA We'll figure it out. I love you, honey. I'll call you tomorrow, okay? JOSH Hey! Scaredy-cat! Where you going? LIZA Just coming to meet you. MAN Feeling all right. MAN I'm not feeling too good myself, feeling all right.