ADMIRAL_TUCKER ALARA BARAL BERT BORTUS CALIVON_1 CALIVON_2 CALIVON_CHILD CALIVON_MOTHER CLAIRE ED ENSIGN FURRY_ALIEN GORDON ISAAC JEANNIE JOHN KELLY KLYDEN SHUTTLE_BAY_OFFICER_1 STEVE_NEWTON TECHNICIAN_REED TRANSPORT_CAPTAIN WOMAN WOMAN_1 WOMAN_2 ZOO_ADMINISTRATOR ED Come in. BORTUS Good day, Captain. ED Bortus, how are you? BORTUS I apologize for intruding upon your work. ED No, no, it's fine. BORTUS What is that? ED That is, uh, Kermit the Frog. BORTUS I do not recognize the species. ED It's an amphibious life form from Earth. BORTUS Is it someone you know? ED No, no, he's just… a leader I admire. Always keeps his cool in a crisis, inspires greatness in his people. He's... So, what can I do for you? BORTUS Sir, I wish to request a leave of absence. ED For what reason? BORTUS I have laid an egg. ED You… What do you mean, like you told a bad joke or something? Like, what? BORTUS No, sir. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs. Klyden and I are going to have a child. ED Bortus! That's great! Congrats. My God, you lay eggs? BORTUS Yes, sir. ED Wow, you know, I always wondered how a single-gender species populated itself, but... A-Are they big? They big eggs? BORTUS They are somewhat large. Yes, sir. ED Amazing. Um, well, yeah, take all the time off you need. BORTUS The gestation period is approximately 21 days. ED And do you... sit on it? You sit on the egg? BORTUS Yes, sir. ED Wow. Well, listen, tell Klyden congrats, and if you got one more in you, dibs on the omelet. BORTUS Sir? ED Sorry, bad joke. BORTUS Yes. ED Bad "yolk." You know, I'm just not gonna try comedy with you anymore. BORTUS I will return to my quarters. ED Okay. I want eggs now. ALARA Eggs? ED That's what he said. Moclans reproduce by laying eggs. Which I never knew. JOHN Well, where's it come out of? The butt? ED You know John, I didn't really pry into those kinds of specifics. JOHN How's that not the first thing you ask? ISAAC Captain, we are receiving a distress signal. Coordinates eight, three, zero, four, nine, three, four. A transport ship has been attacked by the Krill. KELLY How far away? GORDON With quantum drive at maximum, six minutes, 21 seconds. ED Alara, send a message we're on our way. Gordon, get us there as quick as you can. GORDON Aye, sir. JOHN Approaching the transport, sir. It's the U.S.S. Bleriot. ED Let's see it. KELLY Looks like they took a hell of a beating. ED Scan for life signs. How many passengers are on board? ISAAC Captain, the ship is already scanning us. KELLY They are? That's weird. GORDON That's like a jinx, right? They owe us a Coke. ED Alara, hail them. ALARA Channel open. ED Bleriot, this is Captain Mercer of the U.S.S. Orville. Do you read me? TRANSPORT CAPTAIN Captain Mercer. We've been raided by a Krill destroyer. ED What is the status of your vessel? TRANSPORT CAPTAIN Our injured are being treated, but we're in need of extensive repairs. I can hear you, but visual is a little patchy. That's why we scanned your ship. ED All right, send us a manifest of everything you need as soon as you can. TRANSPORT CAPTAIN Sending now. And, Captain, it so happens we're carrying two passengers whom you know. JEANNIE Eddie? Is that you? ED Mom? BERT Hey, buddy. Surprise, huh? ED Yeah, it is. Dad, are you guys okay? JEANNIE No, no, we're okay, yeah, we all just got a little bit of a scare, that's all. BERT We're okay. Yeah. JEANNIE Well, except for your father. BERT Yeah. I-I slept through the entire attack and I just woke up a little while ago. Had, you know, a little too much of the sauce last night. ED Mom, Dad, what the hell are you guys doing on the Bleriot? JEANNIE Your father and I wanted to spend the weekend on Deneb 3 with the Petersons. KELLY We're receiving the manifest now. BERT Who's that? JEANNIE Is that Kelly? KELLY Yeah. Hi, Mrs. Mercer. How are you? JEANNIE I'm fine. You know, Eddie tells us you're just a wonderful first officer. I'm glad you two are friends again after the, um… infidelity. KELLY Yeah. No, no, we're... we're fine. JEANNIE Was it worth it? BERT Oh, Jeannie, just drop it. Huh? A honey like that, a couple of flies are gonna get through, okay? ED Uh, guys, you-you remember Gordon. GORDON Hi, Mr. and Mrs. M. BERT Is that Gordon? GORDON It's me, yeah. BERT Oh. Okay, well, tell him I said hi. ED He just heard you, Dad. GORDON Hi. BERT Who's that? ED That's Gordon again. JEANNIE Eddie, how's your stomach? Is it still bothering you? ED Uh, it-it's fine, Mom. It's okay. JEANNIE Did you get the colon scan? ED I-I will. I will get it. BERT Listen to me. You get the colon scan. Do you understand me? Because if you get the divert… Man, what is that? JEANNIE Diverticulitis. BERT Diverticulitis like I had, that's not a picnic. JEANNIE What is it you got stuck in there? BERT A sesame seed. JEANNIE A sesame seed in his colon. BERT Colon. Yeah. It-It just gets stuck in there, because there are folds, you know? JEANNIE Yeah. BERT And it burrows in for the winter, and JEANNIE Oh, God. BERT you got yourself an inflammation. ED Hey, you know what? Guys, we're just gonna come over there, okay? How does that… Right, Kelly? You haven't seen Mom and Dad in a while. KELLY I-I haven't seen them in ages, yes. JEANNIE Great! BERT Yeah. KELLY It's much better if we go down there and help out. ED Much better. Great. So we'll see you in a bit, okay? BERT Get the scan. ED Oh, my God. Alara, you have the conn. ALARA Aye. Wait, what? ED You have command while we're gone. ALARA Well, what about Bortus? ED Bortus is in his quarters warming an egg. That makes you the ranking bridge officer. ALARA Oh...Yeah, but... I've never, um... KELLY Wait. This is your first time in command. ALARA Yeah. So maybe someone else should... KELLY You got this, okay? You wouldn't be allowed to wear that uniform if you weren't qualified. We trust you. ALARA Yeah. Okay. KELLY Okay. ED Okay. Oh, hey, uh, sorry about my parents, everyone. They're, um... My colon is fine, by the way. There's... yeah. KELLY Your mother hates me. ED She does not hate you. KELLY Oh, yes, she does. ED She does not. She hated you a little bit after the... the thing. KELLY You can tell me, you know. I mean, we never talked about it. What'd she say about me? ED It's nothing too terrible. KELLY You can tell me. Just be honest. ED It wasn't that bad. KELLY Be honest. ED She once called you a bitch 46 times in one sitting. KELLY Wow. ED Yeah, the people at the next table complained. But, look, Kel, it doesn't matter. You know? That's the past. You and I were a lousy match. Moving on. KELLY Maybe. We never really got the chance to find out. ED Well, that's what happens when you let a blue alien bone you while your husband's at work, isn't it? KELLY Don't be a jerk. ED In no way am I trying to be a jerk. Honestly, Kel, most guys would hold a grudge for something like this. I think you did us a favor. I really do. In fact, you know what? I want to thank you for your infidelity. KELLY Look, all I'm saying is that if you hadn't been so absent, and I hadn't... done what I did... maybe it could've worked. ED I say this with all due respect. You are high. KELLY Well, since we are seeing your mother, that's not a bad idea. ED What are you doing? KELLY One cannabis edible. ED My God. Seriously? KELLY Just in case. ED What the hell? KELLY What is this? GORDON Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys! Guys! ALARA Isaac! The transport! What happened to it? ISAAC Scanners show no sign of the ship. It appears to have been a holographic projection of some kind. ALARA What about the boarding party? ISAAC Searching. Scans show no life signs. They are gone. ALARA I don't understand, how can they just be gone?! GORDON John, what about long-range navigational scans? JOHN I'm checking right now. Th-There's nothing out there. Not a damn thing. ALARA Commander! The captain… Oh, God. BORTUS Is it not customary to request permission before entering someone else's quarters? ALARA It is. BORTUS I am brooding my egg. It is a private time for a Moclan. ALARA Sir, I am so sorry, but the captain and the first officer are gone. BORTUS Gone? Where? ALARA We don't know. We got a distress call from a transport ship, and once they boarded it, the whole thing just disappeared. BORTUS Who is in command? ALARA I am. BORTUS Then if they are alive, you must find them. ALARA Sir, if you could just come back to the bridge. The captain never would have left me in command if he had any idea that this... BORTUS I cannot leave my egg. ALARA For how long? BORTUS For 21 days. I am sorry, Lieutenant. I will not risk the life of my child. You must remain in command. ALARA One shot of Xelayan tequila. Okay. Deep breaths. Deep breaths. You're okay. You're fine. You gonna throw up? You gonna throw up? No? You're all right. ENSIGN Lieutenant? You all right? ALARA Yes! Yes, yes, I'm fine, Ensign... ENSIGN Parker. ALARA Parker. Ensign Parker. Sweet. Go away now. ENSIGN Oh. ALARA Yeah. ALARA Isaac, any sign of the boarding party? ISAAC Negative, sir. Status unchanged. GORDON Sir, there's nobody over there to pilot the shuttle back to us, but I can bring it over by remote guidance on your order. ALARA Got it. GORDON Is... is the order given? ALARA Yes. Absolutely. Do that. GORDON Aye, sir. ALARA And good job. With that remote thing. GORDON Thanks. CLAIRE Sir? ALARA Doctor. Hi. CLAIRE Any word? ALARA No, nothing yet. CLAIRE What's next? ALARA What's next... is... we should... lock a tractor beam onto the buoy and bring it into the shuttle bay to examine it for clues. JOHN We got Dora the Explorer running the show here. GORDON Shh. ALARA Lieutenant Lamarr, do you want to say something? JOHN No, sir. ALARA Good. Lock onto the buoy. ISAAC Sir, I would advise against that course of action. We are not familiar with its defense mechanisms. ALARA It's our only chance to find our people. Lieutenant, lock on. JOHN Aye, sir. Locked on and pulling her in. ALARA Bridge to shuttle bay, prepare to receive buoy. SHUTTLE BAY OFFICER 1 Copy, bridge. Opening bay doors. ISAAC Sir, I'm reading an energy buildup within the buoy's core. ALARA Can you identify it? ISAAC It is... Sir, deactivate the tractor beam! SHUTTLE BAY OFFICER 1 Get those doors shut! ISAAC All sections reporting. Structural damage is extensive. Injuries are numerous. CLAIRE I'll be in sick bay. BORTUS Bortus to bridge. What is happening? ALARA We, uh, took a little jolt, but we're in one piece. Is your egg okay? BORTUS It is intact. However, such impacts are not conducive to egg brooding. ISAAC Sir, hull integrity has been compromised in the shuttle bay. ALARA I'm going down there. ISAAC Sir, if I may, your place is on the bridge. ALARA I'm going down there! GORDON Think they'd give me three weeks off to sit on an egg? ALARA Chief, was anyone injured in the rupture? STEVE NEWTON Few minor injuries, but the force field snapped on like it's supposed to. Gonna take a few days to patch up, though. ALARA Look, whatever additional power, resources you need, whatever, you've got it. STEVE NEWTON I appreciate that kid. We'll be all right. ALARA Ensign Parker, what happened? ENSIGN Wrong place at the wrong time. ALARA Will he be okay? CLAIRE Well, he won't be running any marathons for a couple of days, but he'll be all right. ALARA Doctor, can I talk to you? In private? CLAIRE Sure. ALARA I can't do this. CLAIRE You mean command the Orville? ALARA Yes. I wasn't in that chair ten minutes, and I almost destroyed the entire ship. What if someone had been killed? CLAIRE But you didn't. And they weren't. ALARA You're the ship's doctor. You're the only person who can relieve an officer of command. Can't you just come up with some reason that I'm unfit? Tell them I'm a drug addict, anything, just get someone to replace me, please. CLAIRE No, I will not do that. But I will give you some advice. Now, sit. Command is all about the balance between inspiring confidence in your leadership and knowing when to trust your people. You got scared out there today. Scared that they didn't respect you. So you ignored Isaac's advice in order to appear in control. Now, the question is, did you learn from this error? I'm willing to bet that you did. ALARA Will you help me? CLAIRE I'm not gonna whisper the right answers in your ear, but I'll try to be your Obi-Wan however I can. ALARA My what? CLAIRE Never mind. ED What is this? KELLY It's... our old apartment. In New York City. ED This is impossible. KELLY It's exactly like I remember it. ED Look at this. This is the one from my office. I took it with me when I moved out. KELLY We couldn't have been sent back in time? I mean, that's-that's crazy, right? ED The door's sealed. KELLY Here. ED It's okay. I've got it. I've got it. Oh, oh. KELLY Ed, are you okay? ED Yeah, no, I'm fine. KELLY Are you sure? ED I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm all good. Kel, where the hell are we? ISAAC Lieutenant, I believe I have something. ALARA What is it? ISAAC My analysis of our scanner logs indicates there was a concentrated pulse directed away from the buoy at the moment of the incident, traveling along this trajectory. ALARA What do you think it was? ISAAC I cannot be certain, but I believe it may have been a form of molecular transfer. ALARA You think they may have been transported somewhere? ISAAC If so, there may still be residual traces of the pulse. I will need to divert power to the forward scanners to conduct a long-range search. ALARA We're already on emergency power. All hands, this is Acting Captain Kitan. Emergency power will be temporarily rerouted to the scanner array until further notice. STEVE NEWTON Newton to bridge. Kid, you got to be joking. You reroute power, and this ship's not gonna be going anywhere. ALARA Chief, unless we know where the captain and the commander were taken, there'll be nowhere to go. Oh, and it's "sir," not "kid." Just a friendly reminder. STEVE NEWTON Aye, sir. JOHN Dora the Explorer got some balls. GORDON Good ones. Good balls. ED Crap. What about the window? KELLY I mean, we're a hundred stories up. What are we supposed to do? Scale a wall? ED Yeah. Good point. So, what do we do now? KELLY Survival. As long as we're here, wherever here is, we better make sure that the food synthesizer works. KELLY At least we won't starve. ED Look at this. It's my favorite robe. I haven't seen this in two years. By the way, this was an inspired idea. KELLY Of course, if there's anything in the food, we're screwed. ED Yeah, I kind of doubt whoever brought us here went through all the trouble just to poison us. KELLY Mm-hmm. ED Thank you. KELLY Mmm. Ed... you think the Orville knows we're alive? Do you think they're even looking for us? ED Well, we better hope so. I left Alara in command. KELLY Yeah. What do you think? ED Well, she's smart, but she's really green. KELLY I know. I'm gonna try to get some sleep. Do you, uh, do you want the bed or the couch? ED You take the bed. I've had so much to drink, I think I'd die at that altitude. KELLY Okay. If we're still here tomorrow, we can move on to that brownie ED Hey, wait, do you remember that time that Jeff and Maureen invited us to the opera? KELLY Oh, my God, yes. ED And you knew I hated opera, so you made me smoke that joint before we left. KELLY I am so sorry. That was supposed to be mine. I gave you the wrong one. ED Your "weapons grade weed." Yes, I remember it very well. And it kicked in when we got to the theater, and I became convinced that I was... KELLY That you were gonna be paralyzed. ED That I would be paralyzed if I stayed seated for longer than two minutes. KELLY Oh, my God. And remember, you bashed the hell out of Maureen's head when you jumped out of your chair. God, the size of the bruise on her face was just epic. ED Was that when they stopped hanging out with us? KELLY Oh, yeah, they were done with us. ED Yeah, well, you know, they sucked. Who cares. KELLY They totally sucked. Why did we hang out with them? ED I thought you liked them. KELLY I hated them. ED You hate… That was the only reason that I tolerated them. You-you hated them? KELLY Yes. I mean, she never shut the hell up, and-and he smelled like sausage. ED Well, then, you know what? I'm glad I hit her in the head. KELLY That makes two of us. I... You know, this-this feels like a dream. Being here, in this place. It's like the last year never happened. ED I was just thinking the same thing. I might have been wrong… about what I said in the shuttle. Maybe things could've been different. KELLY Good night. ISAAC Sir, I believe I have pinpointed the destination of the subspace pulse. ALARA Let's see what you've got. Oh, no. ADMIRAL TUCKER Absolutely out of the question, Lieutenant. ALARA But, sir, if there's any chance that they're alive… ADMIRAL TUCKER That sector of space is off-limits. No exceptions. ALARA Sir, please, if we could just... ADMIRAL TUCKER Lieutenant, you're young, so I'm going to overlook the fact that you are questioning a direct order from a Fleet Admiral. We have reasons for keeping our ships away from that star system. The Calivon are a very technologically advanced race, and they view any species at a lesser technological level as inferior, in the way a sentient being might view an animal. We do not want to engage them in any way. ALARA But what about the captain and the commander? ADMIRAL TUCKER Lost in the line of duty. I'm sorry, Lieutenant. As soon as your repairs are complete, your orders are to return to Earth, where the Orville will be assigned a new captain and first officer. Tucker out. CALIVON CHILD Hey! Wake up! Wake up! ED Hey. Hey, what's going on? Hey, can you tell me where I am? 'Cause honestly… CALIVON CHILD CALIVON MOTHER Nidal, come on, let's go see the Krill. CALIVON CHILD Mama, I want to see the Moclans. CALIVON MOTHER If we have time. Come on. Let's go. ED Hey! Hey, what's going on here? Where am I? Hey, talk to me! SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN You're wasting your breath. You don't matter to them. ED Who are you? What is this place? FURRY ALIEN Looks like they finally filled that slot. How's it going, new guy? KELLY Ed? What is this? What's going? ED I... Answer my question. Where are we? SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN He's a smart one, isn't he? You take a look around you, friend. You're in a Calivon zoo. SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN See, their buoys can scan your computers and then instantly generate a customized holographic lure. Soon as you bite, you're transported here. KELLY Like leaving an animal trap in the wild. ED It even knew to make my dad talk about his colon. That's an advanced technology. FURRY ALIEN They recreate your "natural environment" based on the data they've collected. Once you've acclimated, whoosh! The wall goes up, and you're the newest exhibit. SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN They got lucky with you guys. Usually they don't get two for one. ED Our "natural environment." KELLY What about him? He's only a child. What's your name, sweetie? BARAL Baral. KELLY Yeah? How long have you been here? Where's your mommy? BARAL I don't know. SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN He got here a few weeks after I did. I've been here eight months. ED What the hell kind of people do something like this? FURRY ALIEN They're Calivon. They think any technologically inferior species is theirs to do with as they please. SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN We're interesting and fun to watch. Weird as that sounds. KELLY It's not that weird. There was a time where humans imprisoned animals for entertainment. It wasn't intended to be cruel, we just felt as the higher species we had the right. ED Yeah, well, that was hundreds of years ago, so you tell me who's more advanced. Hey! We are not your Shamu! SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN I told you, they don't care. KELLY There's got to be a way out of here. I mean. That-that child belongs with his parents. FURRY ALIEN Why don't you ask Ock'or. ED Who's Ock'or? FURRY ALIEN The big guy to your left. You can't see him from where you are. He's been here 31 years. SPINY-SKINNED ALIEN In other words, there's no way out. TECHNICIAN REED Well, that's the last of it. Weapons and quantum drive are back online. ISAAC All departments show green, sir. Repairs are complete. JOHN Set course for the Calivon system, sir? ALARA No. Set course for Earth. JOHN Wait, what? GORDON What? What about Ed and Kelly? ALARA My orders are clear. The captain and the first officer will be declared lost in the line of duty. GORDON Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on. What the hell are you talking about? ALARA The Calivon system is off-limits. Return us to Earth. GORDON Alara, that is a cold-blooded order, and you can shove it up your ass. ALARA Lieutenant, you're relieved of duty. Get off the bridge. Lieutenant Lamarr, carry out the order. JOHN Yes, sir. ALARA Claire? CLAIRE Alara. Come on in. ALARA They hate me. The entire crew hates me. I mean, can't they see that I'm just as upset about this as they are? I mean, Kelly is my friend. For God's sake, I'm just following Admiral Tucker's orders. CLAIRE And the Admiral is right. To put the entire ship in danger to rescue two officers who might not even be alive? No, he gave the proper order. ALARA So you don't think we should go, either? CLAIRE I didn't say that. Alara, everything that you've dealt with up until now is child's play. This is command. You have a choice. Follow orders and accept that the crew will hate you for it, or disobey orders and go after our people. But if you take that kind of risk and you're wrong, you could destroy your career. Or worse. ALARA Xelayan tequila, double. Hi. Can I sit here? JOHN You can sit wherever you want, sir. ALARA Okay, uh, thanks. Guys, please... I had no choice. GORDON Permission to speak freely, sir? ALARA Yes. Of course. GORDON You know what the most heinous thing about this is? If the captain were in your shoes, he would've gone after you. He would've risked his career to save your life. You suck. Sir. ALARA Can I have everyone's attention, please? I have been given a direct order from the Fleet Admiralty to abandon the search for Captain Mercer and Commander Grayson. But as far as I'm concerned, they can bite me. Because we're going anyway. GORDON Yeah! ALARA Gordon, John. How fast can you get us there? JOHN As fast as you want, sir. You're the captain. JOHN Approaching the border of Calivon space, sir. GORDON Kids, roll the windows up. ALARA Okay, now comes the dicey part, so everyone listen up. We can't just waltz into Calivon space in a Union ship, so Isaac's been working on a plan. ISAAC In sifting through the debris that collided with our shuttle bay, I was able to analyze a fragment of the Calivon holographic generator. I believe we can use their own technology against them. We can make it appear as though we are a Calivon ship. ALARA But it will take every bit of power we can spare, so all non-essential systems will need to be shut down. Now, once we reach the planet, Isaac becomes key. As he loves to remind everyone, his home world of Kaylon is technologically superior to the rest of us. ISAAC Intellectually, as well, sir. ALARA Right. Thanks. Kaylon is comparable in that area to the Calivon themselves, which means they should be willing to talk to us as long as he's with us. JOHN White dude can go to Compton long as a black guy says it's cool. ALARA I have no idea what that means, but yes. If they'll speak to us, we have a chance of finding out what happened to our people. Everybody ready? Isaac, give us a makeover. ISAAC Yes, sir. GORDON Approaching Calivon system. ALARA Take us in. Nice and easy. ISAAC Calivon patrol ship approaching. They are scanning us. ALARA Nothing out of the ordinary here. ISAAC They are moving on, sir. I am detecting two human life signs on the planet's surface. ALARA Is the shuttle ready? ISAAC Yes, sir. ALARA All right. Let's go. Oh, Claire, I have bad news. CLAIRE What's wrong? ALARA You're the ranking officer, which means you have command. Enjoy. CLAIRE Son of a bitch. ED Hey. Do you want to not do that, please? KELLY What? ED We lived together long enough. You know I do not like listening to people eat cereal. KELLY It's morning. I'm eating breakfast. You know, you should try eating in the morning instead of drinking. It's neat. ED I'm having a beer. KELLY Yeah, at 900 a.m. Which, in case you don't remember, is something that I do not like. ED I am doing something that the Germans have been do… KELLY "The Germans have been doing for centuries." Yes, you love that one, don't you? Well, guess what? You're not German. ED Well, you're not... Frankenberry. So shut up. KELLY You know what? It is all coming back to me now. ED Oh, what, Kel? What is all coming back to you now? KELLY Us. Living together. All the things that sucked about it. ED Yes! This is exactly what I was saying on the shuttle. Do you remember? And you said, "No." I said, "We're a bad match." Okay, I am just as miserable with you as you are with me. KELLY Well, great, finally some common ground. ED Some common ground between the two of us. KELLY Some common ground. Thank God. ALARA Captain? KELLY Alara? ED Alara! What are you doing here? ALARA Getting you out. ED God, am I glad to see you. Sorry about my breath. Wait a minute, you... you couldn't have gotten Union clearance to come here. ALARA No. We took a little field trip. KELLY Well, I wish we could tell you how to get us out of here, but honestly we have no idea. ISAAC It would be reasonable to assume that if this is a zoo, there must be a zookeeper. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR Come in. Well, hello, there! They told me we had a Kaylon visitor here at the zoo. Welcome! ISAAC Good day, sir. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR What brings you all the way out here? Besides the fact that we have the widest variety of species on exhibit anywhere in the sector? ISAAC There is a matter I wish to discuss with you. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR If you're gonna try and sell me that Xelayan female, I've already got one. ISAAC She is not for sale. She is... my pet. ALARA Woof. ISAAC However, I would like to speak with you about the humans. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR Oh, aren't they wonderful? They're brand new. The visitors are loving them. ISAAC I must inform you they are the property of another zoo and were taken illegally. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR Well, they should've been kept on a tighter leash. Not my problem. ISAAC I'm afraid they were in the midst of treatment for a very rare disease they are carrying, one that could infect your other species. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR You're kidding. ISAAC I am Kaylon. We do not kid. We would be happy to take them off your hands. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR Damn it. I don't believe this. This is the administrator. Initialize euthanasia sweep of unit 484. ED Uh, Kel? KELLY What's going…? What the hell is that? ED I don't think we want to find out. ED Oh, boy. We're in trouble. ALARA Wait, what do you mean "euthanasia sweep"? ISAAC Would it not be simpler to allow us to take the humans? ZOO ADMINISTRATOR We have a strict non-contaminant policy that's helped us avoid any epidemics among the exhibits. I'm sorry, but even handing them over to you would risk a breach. Don't worry, their deaths will be painless. ED In here. KELLY Oh, my God. ED Oh, crap. Uh… KELLY Oh, no! ALARA Isaac, I need to talk to him. Make him talk to me. ISAAC Sir, I would like you to listen to what my Xelayan female has to say. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR You want me to talk to her? Is this a joke? ED All right, just stay calm. ISAAC I know it is absurd, but if you will indulge me momentarily, I would be most appreciative. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR Okay. Talk, Xelayan. ALARA Thanks, dick. Okay, why do you run this zoo? ZOO ADMINISTRATOR So our people may view different species in their natural habitats. ALARA What if I were to trade you something that would be far more valuable to you? Something irresistible. ZOO ADMINISTRATOR And what might that be? KELLY Oh, God! ED I'm going to the bathroom to read! KELLY What the hell was that? ED Elvis Presley's last words. It was all I could think of. ED And for outstanding courage, valor, and resourcefulness in the finest Union tradition, I hereby present you, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, with the Sapphire Star. ED Alara, you did great. Kelly and I owe you big time. ALARA Let's just hope Admiral Tucker sees it that way. KELLY Don't worry, Ed and I will cover you. ED Yeah, we're a pretty crappy couple, but we're awfully good with office politics. KELLY And this little guy was the best part of the bargain. You excited to see your mommy and daddy? BARAL Yes. KELLY Yes. STEVE NEWTON You know, a lot of us are wondering exactly what it is you gave the Calivon. ALARA It was Lieutenant Malloy's idea. He guided me to a very old, very obscure section of Earth's cultural database. GORDON I'm just here to serve. ALARA They wanted a human zoo. I gave 'em one. WOMAN I am paying attention. Obviously there has to be something else. You just don't name change and get arrested. There has to be something else. You were stripping. WOMAN 2 I was arrested. WOMAN 1 Prostitution whore. You are engaged 19 times. You Tell me the… CALIVON 1 The Bachelor. Duck Dynasty. Keeping Up with the Kardashians. CALIVON 2 There must be 10,000 files here. What is this "reality television"? ZOO ADMINISTRATOR The best exhibit we've ever had. BORTUS Klyden! Come! KLYDEN It is... a female. BORTUS That is impossible.