ALARA ALIEN ARANOV AUTOMATED_FEMALE_VOICE BORTUS CLAIRE CREW DEREK ED GORDON HALSEY ISAAC JANICE JOHN JOVICK JUSTIN KELLY KITAN KRILL_COMMANDER KRILL_SOLDIER MALE_AUTOMATED_VOICE MAN NARRATIVE_TITLE OGRE SLIME SOLDIER KELLY Oh, no. Ed? Ed, wait, please, Ed. ALIEN ED Nope, nope, nope. KELLY Ed, just listen to me for one second. ED I don't want to hear it. KELLY Let's just talk, please. ED Kel, there's nothing to talk about. KELLY Yes, there is. ED There's nothing at all to talk about. KELLY This was a mistake. Just give me one minute, Ed. ED I'm done. I'm done. KELLY Ed. ED HALSEY Come in. ED You wanted to see me, Admiral? HALSEY Ah, Ed. Have a seat. I have good news. There's a ship available. It's a mid-level craft. The USS Orville. It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel. And we're offering you command. ED You're kidding. HALSEY Honestly, we would've offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year. ED I know, I ha-- I've had some personal stuff that's been going on; it's not really worth going into. Can I have one of these mints? HALSEY Those are marbles. Ed, I remember when you were at Union Point. You were at the top of your class. Your teachers all thought you'd be captaining a heavy cruiser before 40. But this past year the, the... tardiness, the sloppiness. My God, you've been put on report for coming into work hung over six times. Look, the truth is you're nobody's first choice for this job. But we have 3, 000 ships to staff and we need captains. We're giving you one last chance. I just need to know that you're ready. ED Look, Admiral, ever since I was a kid, I have wanted to serve on an exploratory vessel. And for you to put me in the captain's chair... yes, I'm-I'm ready. You can count on me. HALSEY Good to hear. Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement. Her previous captain retired this month. But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer. We're waiting for an XO to become available. ED Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet. HALSEY You mean Lieutenant Malloy. I'm aware you two are friends. ED Look, I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him. HALSEY Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T-85? ED He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm? HALSEY Well, if you think you can keep him focused, it's your ship, Captain Mercer. OGRE GORDON Ah! Oh, hey, Ed. Ah! Hey, give me one sec. ED What's going on here? GORDON Oh, this is a program I wrote where you can battle an ogre in a samurai village. It's pretty cool, right? ED Yeah. GORDON Yeah. He's a bad-ass fighter, but I gave him a really neat personality. Hey, dude, this is my buddy Ed. JUSTIN Hey, Ed, nice to meet you, I'm Justin. ED How are you? JUSTIN Oh, great, super, always. Oh, it's such a treat to meet one of Gordon's friends. GORDON So, what's going on? ED Gordon, I got a ship. GORDON No... freaking... way! ED The Orville, mid-level exploratory, and she needs a helmsman. GORDON Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you serious? ED Are you ready? GORDON Dude, I was born ready. This is crazy. Holy crap. ED GORDON Justin, we got a ship. JUSTIN I am so excited for you guys right now. I mean, do you just feel, like, so blessed? ED We'll take a shuttle up at 0900. GORDON Sweet. Oh, hey, Justin, you got a ladybug on you. JUSTIN Oh, neat. GORDON Ah! MALE AUTOMATED VOICE You win! ED Nice. GORDON So, how many ships in the fleet these days? ED About 3,000, spread over the whole quadrant, which, when you think about the size of the galaxy, is actually not-- what is that? Is that a beer? GORDON Yeah. ED You're drinking a beer? GORDON Yeah, I'm nervous. You know, it's a new ship, want to make a good impression. ED It's 915 in the morning. Give it to me. GORDON No. ED Give me that right now. GORDON No, dude it's-- ED You can't have that when we dock. GORDON It's one beer. What, are you worried we're gonna crash? ED I'm worried about my job. GORDON Oh, no. ED This is very important to me. GORDON Oh boy. ED What are you doing? GORDON Oh, I hope we don't crash. ED Gordon, stop it. GORDON Whoa. ED Gordon, knock it off right now. This is not safe. GORDON I didn't realize I was this wasted. ED This is not funny or safe. GORDON This is like my first beer ever and the sensations are all new to me. ED I'm literally ordering you to stop. GORDON I hope we don't... Sorry. I'm good. ED Is that it? It's not bad, right? GORDON No, it's good. You paint some flames on the side, maybe like a rainbow unicorn, you got something. ED Take us in. ED So, to sum up, I just want to say I am thrilled to be your new captain. I want this to be an efficient ship, tightly run, but also one that you're glad to be serving on. Everyone but the senior officers is dismissed. CREW AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE Orville Engineering, continue launch prep. ED All right, Lieutenant Alara Kitan, our chief of security. ALARA Yes, sir. ED You're Sillayan, right? ALARA I am, sir. GORDON Wait, don't you guys have, like, super strength? ALARA Sillaya's gravitational pull is high compared to the planetary average, so, yes, in Earth normal gravity, my physical strength is elevated. ED Lieutenant, how old are you? ALARA Twenty-three. ED You're 23, and you're chief of security on a starship? ALARA Sillayans don't usually join the military, so when one of us does, the union generally fast-tracks us. ED Well, I'm, I'm sure they know what they're doing. ALARA Sir, I-I know I'm not as experienced as you were expecting, but you can count on me. ED I hope so. Lieutenant John LaMarr, our navigator. How's it going, John? JOHN Eh, it's going, man. How's it going with you? ED It's going good. It says here you're a level-eight helmsman, too. That's pretty impressive. JOHN Yeah, that's right. Uh, so, our last captain let us have soda on the bridge while we were working, and I just want to make sure that's still okay. ED Uh, yeah, if you keep it below the equipment and you don't spill any, sure. JOHN Oh, dig it. Bon. ED All right, uh, Lieutenant Commander Bortus, our second officer. You know, I've never met a single-gender species before. Your entire species is male, isn't it? BORTUS That is correct, sir. ED So, there's probably not a lot of arguments about... leaving the toilet seat up and that kind of thing, right? BORTUS No, Baklans urinate only once per year. ED Really? That's-- me, I'm up two, three times a night. BORTUS That is unfortunate. ED It is. Dr. Claire Finn. You're my chief medical officer, yes? CLAIRE Yes, sir, I am. Welcome aboard. ED Your credentials are exceptional. "Molecular surgery, DNA engineering, psychiatry"? You could be posted on a heavy cruiser. What are you doing on the Orville? CLAIRE I always request my transfers based on where I think I'm needed. I feel most stimulated that way. ED And so what made you request this ship? CLAIRE Well, this is your first command, and I think you could use my help. ED So you think I might screw up. CLAIRE No, sir, I didn't say that, sir. ED Well, no, but you implied that you don't think I have the balls to do this job. CLAIRE Well, I am your doctor, sir, and if your balls are under par, I'll know. ED All right. And finally, Isaac, our science and engineering officer, hailing from Kaylon-One. ISAAC Affirmative, sir. ED You know, I got to tell you, I was surprised to see any Kaylon serving in the fleet. Aren't you guys legendarily racist? ISAAC My planet regards humans and other biological life-forms as inferior, if that is your inference. ED Oh, that's great. Thanks. ISAAC You are welcome. ED So what are you doing on a Union ship? ISAAC Your fleet's admiralty offered a posting to any Kaylon willing to take it. As an effort to initiate relations between Kaylon and the Union, we accepted. I was chosen to represent my planet. I see it as an ideal opportunity to study human behavior. ED Well, we'll, uh, we'll try not to bore you. ISAAC You will find me to be your most capable officer. ED All right, everybody settle in. we ship out this afternoon. JOHN Hey, what's up? GORDON Hey, man, come on in. JOHN Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together. GORDON Translation, you want to make sure I'm not a jerk. JOHN Something like that. GORDON Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous. JOHN Okay, well, so am I, so this is gonna work out great. GORDON Gordon Malloy. JOHN John LaMarr. GORDON Cool. JOHN So I heard you've been out of commission for a minute. GORDON Well, not out of commission, but, uh, definitely kept on desk duty. JOHN Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind or legendary. How'd you get suspended? GORDON I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills. JOHN Wait. No. Really? GORDON Man, look at your face. No, no, no, I did a manual override of a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door. Yeah. Nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space. JOHN Well, that's a lot of damn squash. GORDON Yeah. I was trying to impress a girl. JOHN Ah, I can respect that. GORDON Needless to say it didn't go over too well. If it weren't for Ed, I probably wouldn't be back at the helm for a lot longer than this, if ever. JOHN Well, just steer with your head from now on, and you'll be okay. GORDON Yeah. JOHN See you on the bridge. HALSEY I wish I could give you something more exciting for your maiden voyage, but it's pretty straightforward. You'll be delivering supplies to the Science Station on Epsilon Two. ED Hey, sir, I'm not complaining. It'll be great just to be out there. Uh, is there any word yet on a first officer? HALSEY I should have an update in a few hours. Sounds like you won't have to wait much longer. Safe travels, Captain. MAN Captain. ALARA Captain, we've received the green light from Dawgerra Tower, and we're cleared for departure. ED Tell them we're good to go. Lieutenant Malloy, take us out. GORDON Aye, sir. Departing dockyard. JOHN Dockyard perimeter cleared. ED Set course for Epsilon and engage quantum drive GORDON Course set, drive engaged. JOHN E.T.A. 19 hours, 51 minutes. GORDON I've never been to the Epsilon Science Station. What's it like? BORTUS Epsilon Two is an outpost devoted exclusively to scientific inquiry. ED Researchers from all over the galaxy petition to work there. GORDON Really? Wow. Any good bars? BORTUS I will investigate. ED No, Bortus, you don't have to investigate that. BORTUS I have already obtained the information. ED Oh. BORTUS Shall I withhold it? ED No, you can tell us. BORTUS There are no bars. GORDON How about strip clubs? ED Gordon. GORDON Sorry. BORTUS There are no strip clubs. ALARA Captain, there's a message coming in from Admiral Halsey. It says that an executive officer has become available and can rendezvous with the Orville at station 794. ED That's great. That's barely out of our way. Who is it? ALARA He wants me to forward it to you privately. ED All right, send it to my station. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. GORDON What's the matter? ED No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no... Aw, crap! Sorry, man, you okay? SLIME Yeah, It's all good, man. You okay? ED Yeah, all good. Sorry. SLIME All right, no worries. HALSEY Calm down, Ed, and be professional about this. ED Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation. Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her bangin' a Retepcian. HALSEY I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available. And the Staff Profile Compatibility Program indicated your skill sets complement hers. ED Oh, it did? See if your Compatibility Program can get blue out of a white lampshade. HALSEY Ed, you need to calm yourself here. ED God, I can't even believe this is happening. HALSEY Look, she is the only current option, and if you make a stink about an XO assignment one day into your first command, with your record, it's not gonna look good. ED And you're telling me she is okay with this? HALSEY Ed, she requested it. ALARA Sir, Shuttle Bay reports the XO's shuttle has docked. ED Can you tell her to come straight to my office? ALARA Aye, sir. ISAAC The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer. Why is this? GORDON 'Cause she's a total bitch. ALARA You know her? GORDON Oh, yeah. They were married. ALARA No way. GORDON She cheated on him. JOHN Damn, that's cold. GORDON Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us. ISAAC Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun. GORDON I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck. ISAAC Suck? GORDON Yeah, suck. You know, like, ass, balls. ALARA What he means is, if you don't already drink, you should probably start. BORTUS Perhaps we should not be talking about this. JOHN Oh, no, no, no, we're talking about this. BORTUS It does not seem appropriate. JOHN No, we're definitely talking about it. Th-This is a thing. ED Come in. KELLY Hi. ED Hi. KELLY Can I come in? It's a nice office. ED Thank you. KELLY Did you pick out the furniture? ED You know, I didn't, but if you're really interested in the furniture, I'd be happy to get all the information I can about it. Then I can have somebody compile a full report and have it sent to your quarters this afternoon. Maybe find something nice for your new apartment. KELLY Are you all finished? ED Well, you know, I thought I was, but, apparently, you're not. KELLY Ed... I can't apologize enough. I know it doesn't matter to you, but I-I am sorrier for what I did to you than anything I've ever done in my entire life. ED You know, I've done a pretty good job getting over all this in the past year, and I'm over it, so why don't you tell me what the hell you're doing here. KELLY I heard about your promotion. I also heard there was no XO available, and you know how the fleet admirals are. They don't like to see a captain on his own for too long. And I figured I'd wronged you so badly that if there was something good I could do for you, it'd help me atone in some way. So I requested a transfer. I literally bailed on my own crewmates to come here. ED Well, you bailed on a whole marriage, so I imagine that was a piece of cake for you. KELLY Ed, look, I'm not saying what I did wasn't disgraceful, but I only did it because I didn't have you. ED There it is. How long did that take you? How many minutes into this conversation? KELLY You were working nonstop. Okay, there were entire days I wouldn't see you. ED Yeah, I was working for us, Kelly. For you and I-- you know this. KELLY I didn't ask you to do that. Okay? You just shut off from our relationship. I didn't know how to handle it. ED So you banged Papa Smurf in our bed. That's one way to handle it. KELLY Durillio was there when you weren't. And you know how many times I tried to talk to you, but you just kept putting me off? ED When did you try to talk to me? KELLY So many times... ED Where it wasn't like... KELLY I was the one who suggested couples counseling. ED Couples counseling? The therapist was your brother-in-law. Look, this-- okay -- this ship is what I've been waiting for my entire career. My entire life. So why are you doing this to me? KELLY As soon as another XO becomes available, I'll be the one to request a transfer. GORDON Whoa, hey. KELLY Hey there. GORDON I was just on my way to the john. KELLY Well, I'm glad I bumped into you. Do you have a second? GORDON Sure. I can hold it. KELLY Okay, Gordon, I just want to make sure... GORDON You know what? You should probably call me Lt. Malloy, seeing as how you're my boss now... sir. KELLY Right. Lieutenant. I just want to make sure that everything's all right between us. I mean, I'm assuming that you and Ed are still close. GORDON Yeah. KELLY Yeah. And... what happened between Ed and I, that was a mistake. A big one. And, um, I guess I just want to know that you're gonna be okay taking orders from me. GORDON Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, no, no. I'm a professional, don't worry about that. KELLY That's good to hear. GORDON Actually, the folks up on the bridge were asking about you earlier, and I was telling them you're actually a really cool person. KELLY Really? GORDON I kind of primed the pump for you up there, you know. All good vibes. KELLY That's very magnanimous of you. GORDON I got you. I got you. So, um, permission to pee? KELLY Oh. Granted, yes. GORDON Sweet, sweet. Hey, I'm gonna go look up what "magnanimous" means. KELLY Great. GORDON Great. I mean, pee first, though. KELLY Priorities. GORDON You know it. JOHN Entering orbit of Epsilon Two. KELLY Lieutenant Kitan, signal them we're ready. KITAN Aye, Commander. ALARA Man, you could cut the tension with a knife. BORTUS Do not make eye contact. ALARA Orville to Epsilon Science Station. We're here and ready to bring down supplies. ARANOV Orville, this is Dr. Aranov am chief of this facility. May I speak to your captain? ED Put him on the viewer. Dr. Aranov this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies. ARANOV Actually, Captain, we-we don't need any supplies. ED I-I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah? ARANOV I did. I'm sorry. I-I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything. KELLY This is really strange. ED Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the con. Lieutenant, you're with us. JOHN You see that dog in the background licking his balls? GORDON First thing I saw. MAN Prepare for Orville shuttle arrival, Bay Three. ARANOV Captain Mercer. Welcome to Epsilon Two. Thank you for coming. ED Dr. Aranov. This is my security chief, Alara Kitan. ALARA Hi. ED My chief medical officer, Claire Finn. CLAIRE Pleasure. ED And my ex-wife, Kelly Grayson. KELLY I'm his first officer. ARANOV Ah. ED But if any of your research team needs an artless, jabby-nail shoulder massage, she's the best there is. KELLY Doctor, you want to tell us why you falsely diverted a starship on active duty? You know you could do time for that. ARANOV We need protection. ED Protection from what? ARANOV The Krill. ED There have been no Krill ships sighted in this area. ARANOV Come inside. I'll explain. CLAIRE Wow. No wonder they call this place the scientist's playground. ARANOV Incredible, isn't it? CLAIRE Yeah. ARANOV Here. Follow me through the botany lab. We're doing genetic research and development here that will change the face of the galaxy. JOVICK CLAIRE Is that one of your projects? ARANOV No, no, that's Dr. Jovick, our chief botanist. Keep up, please. CLAIRE What sort of research are you doing here? ARANOV Oh, well, uh... this is a redwood seed. Looks pretty ordinary, yes? KELLY Sure. ARANOV Well, this seed has been genetically engineered with tardigrade DNA, which means it can survive and grow in anything. Rock, metal, sand. It can exist a hundred years without water. You can toss this seed in the middle of the Sahara and in a century, you'll have a towering redwood. ED That's really impressive. ARANOV And as a bonus, a healthy snack. Try some. ED Yeah, it's very tasty. Listen, Dr. Aranov, why are we here? ARANOV I couldn't tell you the real reason we needed a Union ship because I couldn't risk divulging the information over open communications. This way. This is Janice Lee, one of our most brilliant young physicists. CLAIRE Hello. JANICE Hi. ARANOV Janice has been experimenting with temporal fields and has made, well, a breakthrough would be an understatement. ED So, it's an anti-banana ray? KELLY It's really interesting. ED We need no longer fear the banana. KELLY Does it work on all fruit? ED What about salads? ARANOV Do you understand what happened to this banana? It's rotten because a month has passed. ED Since we got here? Yeah, that's what it feels like. JANICE Captain Mercer, this banana is suspended in a quantum bubble that can be adjusted to accelerate time. Out here only a few moments have passed. Inside the bubble, it's a month in the future. ED Does it work in both directions? Like, could somebody use it to go backward in time and tell their younger self not to make a terrible life decision? KELLY Hey, will you give it a rest for, like, five minutes? ED No, I didn't mean that-that... KELLY I know what you meant. ED Oh, no, I just meant, like, tell yourself not to break your leg in that fall or don't eat too many carbs or-or don't get married, but is that how it works? ARANOV No, the field can only accelerate the forward pace of time. Captain... we have figured out a way to use quantum field technology to manipulate the speed of events. CLAIRE Sir, I've read about this hypothetical. Quantum field manipulation of the flow of time is theoretically possible. ED Wait, so... so you're serious? KELLY My God. ARANOV Think of the benefits. Entire crops grown in the blink of an eye. Starving populations supplied with limitless amounts of food overnight. Life-threatening wounds healed... ...instantly. ALARA Or entire armies reduced to frail elders instantly. You do realize this could also be used as a weapon. ARANOV That's why you're here. We couldn't risk sending word to the Union Fleet about what we'd discovered. If the Krill intercepted it, they could've been here long before you. ED Well, we're only one ship and not a big one, so we better get help. CLAIRE How fast does the field of acceleration go? ARANOV How would you like to see a 100-year-old banana? JANICE Watch this. ED Mercer to Bortus. BORTUS Bortus here, sir. ED Get a coded message to Union Central that Epsilon Two is in possession of a... DEREK Put down that comm scanner, Captain. ED Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this? What's going on? DEREK Put down that comm scanner and drop all your weapons now. ED Listen, I don't know what you're trying to... Okay, okay. Relax. DEREK Move. ARANOV Derek, what the hell are you doing? ED Oh, of course it's a Derek. KELLY Who is this man? ARANOV Derek Ashton, he's a lab technician. He's been here over a year. I don't understand this. Explain yourself. DEREK Ashton to Krill vessel. It's time. JANICE Derek, listen to me. Don't do this. DEREK Back off! JANICE DEREK Back off! Back off. ED Look, you... DEREK Stay back! Stay where you are. BORTUS Bortus to Captain Mercer. We've just detected a Krill destroyer entering orbit. BORTUS Raise deflector screens. JOHN Deflector screens up. ISAAC Two Krill shuttles are heading for the surface. BORTUS Captain, there are Krill soldiers heading down to you. Captain. GORDON God, there's no way we're gonna be out by five today, are we? BORTUS Captain. Do you read? DEREK Answer him. Tell him the Krill come in peace and to stand down all weapons. ED They won't believe me. DEREK Do it! ED Listen, I... DEREK Do it now! ED Okay. BORTUS Captain, do you read? Please respond. DEREK Say something! ED Mercer to Bortus. The Krill are here in peace. Uh... They just came down for... KELLY The lab is having a pizza party and the Krill are invited. JOHN Man, can we go? GORDON Oh, Bortus, can we please go down there? BORTUS Did you say... a pizza party? KELLY It's for office birthdays. ED A lot of September birthdays down here. DEREK ED Alara, good work. Bortus, the Krill are here to attack. Keep the weapons charged and the deflectors up until we can get to you. There is no pizza party. I repeat, there is no pizza party. CLAIRE She's dead. My God, she must be over 125 years old. KELLY Dr. Aranov, we have to get the device back to the Orville. What do we need? ARANOV Detach the main generator and grab the controller device. SOLDIER NARRATIVE TITLE Find the device! BORTUS Orville to Krill ship. Call off your attack on the surface or we will. Respond. ISAAC The Krill are powering weapons. Deflectors are at two-thirds power. BORTUS Return fire. SOLDIER ED Back, back, back, back, back. Doc, is there another way out of here? ARANOV There's an old loading conduit, but it's across the atrium. CLAIRE We're gonna have to sprint for it. ED All right, get ready. KELLY Doc, stay behind Alara. ARANOV Which one's Alara? ALARA Oh, I'm Alara. ARANOV Sorry, still learning names. ED Now. SOLDIER ISAAC Deflector's at half power. GORDON Sir, I think I can buy us some time till we can get the landing party back. Let me wing it here? BORTUS Proceed. GORDON This is something I call Hugging the Donkey. JOHN You can Hug the Donkey? GORDON Dude, I've been Hugging the Donkey since flight school. Round and round she goes! Ha, ha! ARANOV It's dead. ED Door's jammed. Alara. You want to open this jar of pickles for me? ALARA I loosened it for you. SOLDIER ED Alara, get the device back to the shuttle. We'll cover you. ALARA Got it. Okay. ED Everybody, strap in. KELLY Shuttle to Orville, we're on our way. CLAIRE Captain. Let me see that shoulder. Does it hurt? ED Yeah, it hurts like hell. KELLY That means it's not that bad. ED What are you talking about, Kelly? I literally just said it hurts like hell. KELLY When he's really in pain, he gives straight answers with no cussing. He's just hoping you give him drugs. ED That's a bunch of crap, Kelly, I'm in real pain here. I... why, do you have drugs on, on...? Did you... CLAIRE Everything's on the ship. KELLY Approaching ionosphere, adjusting attitude. ED Mercer to Bortus. Are you gonna be able to cut the deflectors long enough for us to get through? BORTUS It may not matter, sir. The deflectors are almost gone. CLAIRE Oh, boy, that can't be good. KELLY They won't fire on us, they know we have the device. KRILL SOLDIER Give me the device. KRILL SOLDIER Give me the device, and perhaps I will not harm you. ED All right, he's got a gun. But we have something better. KELLY What? ED Seatbelts. ISAAC Deflectors are depleted. CLAIRE That was a piece of the upper engine! KELLY We've lost helm control! ED Mercer to Orville, we've lost navigational control and we're about 12 seconds away from hitting you like a bug on a windshield. BORTUS Lieutenant, can you align the shuttle bay doors with their trajectory? GORDON Sir, even if I was the best helmsman in the galaxy, that's virtually impossible. BORTUS If you can Hug the Donkey, you can do this. JOHN Come on, man, you got this. You can do it. GORDON It's like threading a needle in a hurricane, but I'll try. JOHN GORDON Yes. BORTUS Well done, Lieutenant. GORDON Sir, since I pulled that off, can I please wear shorts to work? BORTUS I've already said no. Return fire. ALARA Secure that Krill! KRILL COMMANDER Union vessel, surrender and prepare to be boarded. BORTUS Upper and middle engines are gone, Captain. I have failed you. ED Ship's in one piece, Bortus. I couldn't have done better. Isaac. If I can buy us some time, can you restore enough power to the lower engine to get us out of here? ISAAC I can try, sir. ED Do it. Alara, hail the commander of the Krill ship. ALARA Captain, he's already signaling us. ED Put him on. Krill commander, this is Captain Ed Mercer. Break off your attack and we can talk. KRILL COMMANDER Give me the device, human, or I will destroy your ship. ED Sorry, can you, can you move, like, two steps to your right? KRILL COMMANDER What? ED It's, like, a little, t-tiny bit... it's just a lot of dead space there, just... Yeah, just right th-- perfect. Yeah, sorry, you were just very weirdly framed, it was all I could focus on. Anyway, what is it you want? KRILL COMMANDER You know what I want. ED Sorry, right, yeah, sorry. I'm a little distracted, lately. I just got out of a rough marriage, and it's been a difficult time. My wife had an affair... KELLY Oh, my God. Are you really bringing this up right now? ED I'm trying to keep him talking, so I can buy us some time. KELLY Oh, okay. In that case, you know what? You're an objective third party. Are you married? KRILL COMMANDER What? ED Oh, my God, you're ac-- you're bringing him into our... KELLY No, I'm just buying us some time. Let me ask you something. Do you make an effort to balance your career with your home life? KRILL COMMANDER A marriage is work. KELLY It takes work, right? Compromise. KRILL COMMANDER On both sides, yes. KELLY And if you didn't make that effort, would you be surprised if your wife sought comfort in the arms of another? KRILL COMMANDER No, that would be selfish. ED "No, that would be s..." yeah, yeah, 'cause both are you are complete freaking saints. You know what? I don't have to sit here and listen... KRILL COMMANDER Enough! KELLY Emergency power. KRILL COMMANDER You have 20 seconds to give me the device, or you will die. ED Isaac, what about that engine? ISAAC Still only at partial power, sir. KELLY Alara, put the Krill on hold. I have an idea. ED What is it? KELLY Let's give him the device. ED What? KELLY Dr. Aronov, can you preset the field to fire up at a specific intensity the moment the Krill activate it? ARANOV I think so, but why? KELLY And the field can accelerate time a hundred years. Correct? ARANOV Yes, it can. KELLY About how long it takes a redwood to grow. ED Alara, put him back on. All right, Commander, you win. We'll send you the device by remote shuttle. When you receive it, we'll transmit the activation code. KRILL COMMANDER Do not take long. ED We won't. GORDON Maybe she's not such a bitch. ED State of the art weaponry on this ship and we're using glue. KELLY My favorite part of being a Fleet officer. The arts and crafts. ED You know, if we had time, I'd make a macaroni man to put on here. KELLY You can make a macaroni man? ED I make really good macaroni men. All right, let's get her out of here. ISAAC The shuttle is aboard the Krill ship. ED Signal them. All right, Commander. You have it. KRILL COMMANDER Excellent. Now, give me the activation code. ED The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day. GORDON Wait. What's Arbor Day? ED It's the holiday where you plant the trees. JOHN I wouldn't have got that. GORDON Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either. ED You knew what Arbor Day was, right? KELLY Actually, I had to think a second. Kind of confusing. ED Nobody knows what Arbor Day is. ISAAC No. CLAIRE No. ARANOV I knew. ED What would you have said? KELLY I would've said, "You got wood." ALARA GORDON Yes. ED Yeah, that is better, isn't it? ED Come in. KELLY Hi. ED Hi. KELLY I didn't want to bother you unless I had to. You've kind of kept to yourself these last few days. ED Yeah, the admirals want a full report on the Epsilon Two stuff, so it's just taking a while. KELLY Hey, you need some help? ED No, I got it. KELLY So, um, I just wanted to tell you that Lieutenant Commander Murphy... ED Sorry. Excuse me. Can you... Just... Not now. No, just... we're talking. We're t... Yes. Good, you got it, good. Okay. KELLY Lieutenant Commander Murphy of the U.S.S.... ED Oh, my God. Just come back l... just do it later. Thank you. Just not now, we're having a conversation. Thank-- yes. Thank you. Good. Thumbs up. Okay. Sorry, go ahead. KELLY Lieutenant Commander Murphy of the U.S.S. Chanute just got promoted. So now he's eligible for a first officer position. And he's a friend of mine. So I told him he could have this posting. He's a great guy, you're gonna love him. And I'll be out of your hair by the end of the day. ED Okay. KELLY Okay. ED Wait. I never really said thank you for what you did. You saved the ship. KELLY I was just doing my job. ED You were always better at solving my problems than I was. You were always wise. KELLY Well. Thank you for saying that. ED Kelly. I'm asking you to stay. KELLY Really? ED You're one hell of an XO, and I think you'd make a fine addition to this crew. KELLY A and you're not concerned about the other stuff? ED We'll figure it out. Welcome to The Orville, Commander Grayson. HALSEY Come in. Commander Grayson, have a seat. KELLY I can't stay long. I just wanted to say thank you. For trusting me. HALSEY Your father and I were close. I owed him one. Regardless, it looks like you were right about Ed. You made a hell of a plea for us to give him that command. Honestly, I don't think we would've done it otherwise. KELLY I know. But he's a smart officer who just had a little rough patch. HALSEY Does he know? KELLY No. And I plan on keeping it that way. HALSEY Well. He's lucky to have you on his side. KELLY Thank you. Take care, Admiral.