ALL BOBBI CHARLES CLARE DIANA DRIVER ENZO JENNIFER JOSH KELSEY LAUREL LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE PHYLLIS PLUMBER QUINN SUZANNE VICKY ZANE MAGGIE Nice pantsuit. Did your funeral director's license finally come through? LIZA Ha-ha. Everyone at work now knows that I'm the assistant Charles was having the affair with, so I don't want them to look at me and think, "sex, sex, sex." MAGGIE Well, mission accomplished. Hey, did you get one of these? LIZA "Even though we're all post-gender, we're not post-gender-reveal. Come find out if the baby's a girl, a boy, or TBD this Saturday." Oh, how fun. MAGGIE Yeah, I still don't trust that Clare. LIZA Well, you certainly liked her mother. MAGGIE That was missionary work. You know, you visit the natives, you show them the way to heaven... LIZA Well, we're going. I like Clare now. And Josh is happy. Happy and scared. This is a big change. MAGGIE Yeah, well, speaking of change, that pussy-bow needs to go. I mean, you look like Nancy Pelosi on the bottom and Melania Trump on top. LIZA Oh, that's no fun for anyone. JOSH Thank you so much for meeting me here. I didn't know who else to call. Like, Clare sent me that list. I don't know what any of these words mean. Do you know what a Diaper Genius is? LIZA It's Genie. And you need one. It makes sort of like a long sausage-y thing out of dirty diapers. JOSH What? And that's a good thing? Like, I want that? LIZA They didn't have half of these things when Caitlin was born. She survived without a wipes warmer, although I kinda think she holds it against me. Oh, crib bumpers, no. They may use those in Ireland but we don't use those over here. Suffocation. JOSH Oh, wow. LIZA Isn't this fun? JOSH Yeah! Suffocation and diaper sausages. LIZA JOSH Anything else I should be worried about? LIZA Oh, don't freak out about the soft spot. When they cry, it pulses, but it closes after three months. JOSH I--I don't understand why it comes out before it's completely assembled. LIZA Oh, that's not the worst part. The umbilical scab? Oh, my God. I was so happy when that thing fell off. Oh, gripe water. This is really good for nausea. JOSH Oh, my God. LIZA Josh. JOSH It's gonna be here in two weeks. I mean, this is all really happening. I don't know if I'm ready for this. LIZA You won't be ready for anything the rest of its life. JOSH LIZA But you're Josh. You'll roll with it. You're lucky that way. No, this kid is lucky. So lucky to have you as a dad. LIZA I gotta get back to work. JOSH Okay. LIZA Okay, uh, this, not that. Three of these. JOSH Mm. LIZA Um, everything else is fine, except no mobile. You'll hit your head on it every time you lean in for a kiss. JOSH Huh. LIZA Bye. JOSH Bye. Hey, thanks. LIZA You got it. LAUREL So we sent the book out to readers from some of your target demos and we got some very strong data. Um, I have a report here if you'd like... DIANA I'm sorry, I've been in publishing for 20 years. Since when do we use focus groups to vet our authors? KELSEY Since I'm the publisher. And this is my first release, it needs to be the right one. LIZA And I think "claw" still needs more work, and Quinn has been very resistant to my suggestions. DIANA Oh, look at you two. Acting like you have a choice. We work for her now. So we are happy--no, thrilled--to debut with her... Book. LAUREL Okay, so, the highlight reel. LIZA I think this is so smart. KELSEY Me too. BOBBI I hated it. It is so offensive to women. JENNIFER Who wrote this? It's insane. And I'm from Florida so, like, I know. BOBBI It's Machiavellian, it's inhuman. PHYLLIS I hate this book and I hate the people who are giving this woman a voice. SUZANNE It made my shingles flare up. VICKY I'd just like to un-read it. Please, is there--is there some way to un-read something? KELSEY Wow. LAUREL So what I heard is that there are strong reactions. Which is good. Or it could be good. LAUREL Our bill. Bye-bye. LIZA I'm so sorry, Kels. I have tried to get Quinn to soften the tone, but she--she rejected every edit. KELSEY How am I supposed to tell the woman who gave me my job that her book sucks? LIZA KELSEY How? DIANA Oof, that is a toughie. But you are the publisher now. So good luck. LIZA Well, she looks like she's in a good mood. KELSEY Yeah, I'll take care of that. Hi, Quinn. QUINN Sorry I'm late, girls. I know I'm not supposed to say "girls" anymore, but who gives a--champagne. KELSEY Yes. QUINN This is gonna be fun. KELSEY I wanted you to know how much I appreciate your support and... QUINN Yeah, me first. I got a little something for you two. KELSEY Oh. LIZA Oh, my God! QUINN There's only 20 in there, the rest are at your office. I hope I got your titles right. Publisher. Editor. KELSEY It's so heavy. I-is this gold? QUINN Yeah. I know it's silly. Nobody uses business cards anymore, but publishing is so uncertain. It's good to have something you can take with you if you have to, you know, leave suddenly. Poor Charles. Anyway, uh, Liza said that you had something you wanted to talk to me about, Kelsey? I am all ears. KELSEY Yeah, well, we were talking and we think that we should hold "CLAW" for the spring. There's just a little bit of work that can be done on the tone of the book. LIZA Yeah. KELSEY In today's climate, you know, it can skew a little anti-woman. QUINN Yeah, I like that. It's controversial. I'm the writer, you're the publisher. Let's just both do our jobs. LIZA And I'm your editor. So I have to say, it's a give-and-take collaboration. If a writer doesn't wanna take notes, then they might as well self-publish. QUINN Yeah, I think I'm kind of doing that. Do you remember when I saved your company and then I made you publisher? I cheered you on. Now it's your turn to cheer me. KELSEY And I really am grateful for that, Quinn, um... It just--it doesn't really work like that. LIZA What's happening? QUINN State cheerleading champs, 1998. My first big win. I do think you tried to cut this from the book. LIZA Uh, yeah, there was--there was a lot of high school stuff in there, Quinn. QUINN Guess who wrote a masterpiece. You repeat after me, that's how a chant works, right? Guess who wrote a masterpiece. QUINN Guess who wrote a masterpiece. Take it, Big K! LIZA Big K. QUINN & KELSEY Guess who wrote a masterpiece. QUINN It will be our first release! It will be our first release. QUINN & KELSEY It will be our first release. QUINN Right, but now like you're not terrified. QUINN, KELSEY & LIZA It will be our first release! Guess who wrote a masterpiece! It will be our first release! LIZA Yeah! QUINN Isn't this fun? KELSEY Yeah! QUINN So fun. Are you crying? KELSEY What the hell was that? LIZA Chapter three of "CLAW." Charm and Disarm. KELSEY It's not about what she did. It's about what I didn't do. If I can't stand up to Quinn, how the hell am I supposed to do this job? I'm just a name on a card. LIZA No, Kelsey, you're not. KELSEY Oh, my God. I'm screwed. Face it, Liza, we're both screwed. KELSEY I'm a genius. LIZA Absolutely. Why? I mean, uh, what's that? KELSEY It's the book we publish first, before "CLAW." LIZA But it's a screenplay. KELSEY It's the movie that Reese Witherspoon's company is producing. I had breakfast with her development exec, and I convinced her that it would be a great novel, which it would. It's sexy and it's millennial and it's set in the fashion world. It's perfect. And if we publish it now, before the movie comes out, Reese is gonna be promoting the hell out of it. LIZA Reverse-engineer a novel from a screenplay. KELSEY Yes. LIZA But that takes time. We need a writer. KELSEY We have one. The screenwriter. She's already written a sample chapter and it's great. We can have this thing out in a month. And how can Quinn say no? She loves Reese. Everybody loves Reese. I can bump Quinn's book, look like a hero, and keep my job. LIZA She wouldn't fire you for making a hard decision, Kelsey. KELSEY Well, now we never have to find out. What are you waiting for? Read. Read, read, read. Before tonight. LIZA Okay. ZANE Wow. Waiting for a drink like the rest of us? Don't you host committee members have a private room somewhere? KELSEY I didn't even know I was co-hosting this event. Everybody on that list has been in publishing forever. I do not belong here. ZANE You're standing in front of a bar. You never belonged anywhere more in your life. Here, have mine. KELSEY ZANE Wow, tough day. KELSEY Tough week. But a good day. I had a little breakthrough at work. And it's nice to see a friendly face. ZANE Actually, that's what I want to talk to you about. I don't wanna be friends with you anymore. It's, uh, too difficult. KELSEY Because I have a job and you're not working? That is so-- Not... Friends. You mean... ZANE I mean... KELSEY Oh, my God, you got a job. ZANE Let's just say things are looking up. CHARLES Our first time out as a couple. LIZA I feel a little Eliza Doolittle-y at the moment. CHARLES Too bad Professor Higgins still has to pretend you're 28. LIZA I know, it's not what we planned. LAUREN Diva, Enzo, hi. Okay, oh, my God, I was just schmoozing the editor of "Modern Romance"--yes, the "Modern Romance," and I think we should submit your story. DIANA What--what story? LAUREN Your love story, come on. The photo of you two embracing, fresh out of the sewer, dripping with America's digested bounty. It's gone viral. It's a story as old as time but fresh as this morning's flush. ENZO Wait, the paper would run our story? LAUREN Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. It's just like Romeo and Juliet, if Romeo smelled a little bit and there was poop in Juliet's ear. ENZO DIANA Absolutely not. We are not doing that. LIZA What's that all about? CHARLES Diana is giving us the cold shoulder. LIZA She's still prickly about me and you. I think she's hurt I didn't confide in her. CHARLES You're taking some bullets meant for me. Come on, I should've done this sooner. DIANA Hello, Charles, Liza. You remember Enzo? Having, uh, fun? CHARLES Diana, you and I both know that I owe you an apology. DIANA Well, uh, if pressed, some might say that leaving a place we worked together for 20 years without a word, and carrying on an affair with my assistant right under my nose, could merit some form of apology. CHARLES I can't apologize for falling in love with Liza. But you are right. You should've been the first person I told that I was leaving. You have been by my side, making tough decisions with me, and I owed you that, and more. DIANA Charles. I guess I just always hoped that maybe one day you and I... Would run the company together. So. CHARLES Well, unfortunately, Quinn wanted a millennial as the face of the company. DIANA Oh, so it wasn't your decision? CHARLES Uh, no. DIANA So what I'm hearing is that if it were up to you, I'd be running Millennial. CHARLES That's not exactly what I was saying. DIANA Well, that's what I heard, so why don't we just leave it at that? It's so good to be on the same page, Charles. Like it's always been. Do I see a dance floor over there? Have fun, you two. CHARLES She seems better. LIZA Is that what you think? About Kelsey only getting the job because she's a millennial? CHARLES No. Of course not. She is capable and smart. I knew that years ago when I gave her the imprint. If anything, her youth is against her. LIZA What does that mean? CHARLES Experience means something. Kelsey will do a great job. She'll get there. LIZA She's already there. You should've seen her today. Quinn's book isn't ready and she's pressuring us to make "CLAW" our first release. But Kelsey came up with a plan to block her with a project from Reese's company. It was great thinking, on the spot. You would've been so proud of her. What? CHARLES I would've done it differently. Any time there is a regime change, you take out the trash first. If it bombs, it doesn't hurt you. They blame the old regime. Second book is bad? That'll stick to you. But you know what? Maybe it'll work. We good? LIZA We're good. DIANA Charles as good as said he'd pick me. I knew it, I knew it. We have this--this connection. We're like two bodies, one mind. ENZO That doesn't sound like quite enough mind. DIANA Life is funny, isn't it? I mean, he's the guy I always thought I'd end up with. It's ironic. ENZO You had a crush on Charles? DIANA I'm just saying life is funny. You know? I--I always thought I'd end up with someone like him. Cultured, sophisticated, man of the world, you know... Life had other plans. And I'm with you. What? ENZO I'm just... I'm never gonna be enough for you, am I? And even if I were, you're in love with someone else. DIANA Enzo, come on, I'm just saying that I'm a realist, not a romantic. ENZO No. No, what you're saying is... You're settling. And you know what? Maybe I am too. For someone who is just taking what she could get. DIANA But--Enzo, I... ENZO Good night, Diana. LAUREN Knock-knock. Hi. I'm here to do your kills from the publicity photos at the literacy event last night. Uh, let's see. Kill, kill. Ooh, little pooch there. Ooh, neck, no. Oh, my God, Enzo looks gorge in a tux, though! I mean you guys really are the couple. Look at that. DIANA We were, perhaps. We're not together anymore. LAUREN Oh, my God, Diana, that is awful. I mean--no I mean it's awful that, um, everyone thinks they gotta be boo'd up all the time. You know, at least you and I can do the bars now together. Once I edit your look. Ooh, I better call the paper and kill the "Modern Romance" story. DIANA I thought I told you I didn't want to do that. I will call them myself. LAUREN Okay, great. KELSEY What does that mean, "taking out the trash?" LIZA Well, there's something to be said for pushing "CLAW" out now and moving on. And Charles says we can blame him for it. And it won't stick to us. KELSEY Wait, you discussed this with Charles? So you're running my decisions past him? LIZA No, I was just talking about our day and how Quinn can be so tricky to handle and... KELSEY And how I'm out of my depth? That's what you think. I mean you and I both know that I choked at dinner with Quinn the other night. LIZA Well, I wasn't strong enough with her either. She walked all over me with the edits. KELSEY So I'm not strong enough? Well, lucky for me, you two just gave me all the strength that I need. LIZA Kelsey. KELSEY Set up a dinner with Quinn. Just her and me. That's all. LIZA QUINN You can't push my book to the spring. It's tied to my campaign. KELSEY I'm sorry, what? QUINN Look, between you and me, I'm running for Senate. California. I wish you were registered there. Maybe we can arrange that. Okay, anyway, "CLAW" is going to introduce me, and soon, as a strong, independent voice. KELSEY Wow. Congratulations, Quinn. QUINN Thank you. KELSEY But that doesn't concern me. I have a campaign too, and that is to make sure that every book that comes out of Millennial is the best that it can possibly be. And frankly, "CLAW" isn't there. QUINN KELSEY That's my decision and I'm afraid it's final. QUINN I admire that. Speaking your truth to power. Even if power still wins. KELSEY You have a seat on the board, Quinn. Board members don't tell publishers what to do. QUINN Oh, Kelsey. Don't make an enemy so soon in what could be a very long career. Okay. Publish "CLAW" now, and if it's a flop, like you think it's going to be, you will never hear from me again. But it's gonna be a big hit. KELSEY I don't think it will be. QUINN Look, this is a win-win for you, Kelsey. If you just get your ego out of the way. If it fails, I will be out of your life forever. If it's a hit... You're gonna look like a genius publisher from day one. That's a good deal. KELSEY You're a writer, Quinn. Put it in writing. If "CLAW" fails, you go. QUINN Baller move. I like you, Kelsey. KELSEY Awesome. LIZA You've become quite the chef. CHARLES Oh, yeah, I really, uh--Mastered the Postmates app. LIZA CHARLES I think I might wanna branch out to other cuisines, though. Seamless. Uber Eats. LIZA CHARLES How did work go today? What did you guys decide to do with Quinn's book? KELSEY Actually, Charles, I don't think it's a good idea for us to talk about Millennial. I don't want Kelsey thinking I'm back-channeling with you. We need a--what's it called? A Chinese wall between us. CHARLES You're right. I'm sorry. Uh, you don't tell me about your day and I won't tell you about my day. So don't ask for details about the kids' movie tomorrow. Apparently there, um, is... A puppy and a mermaid, and they both... LIZA CHARLES Get lost in space. That's all you get. LIZA Well, that's not all you get. LAUREN Hi, welcome. Signature cocktail? It's an Epidura-tini. Smooth as a spinal block, but with lime. LIZA Ah, fabulous. Thank you. LAUREN You're welcome. Enjoy. LIZA Peace offering. I laid down some ground rules. I won't talk about the business when I'm with him and he won't ask. KELSEY That's good. But we're still gonna publish Quinn's book first. I can't fight with her and Charles. And I don't want to fight with you. LIZA Well, if you fight with me, I'm on your side, so I'll take me down. Come on, you survived your first week. Let's celebrate! KELSEY Okay. LIZA Oh! LAUREN Ladies and gentlemen and non-binaries. Hi, can I have your attention, please? Okay, the sealed envelope from the doctor has gone to the balloon company and they filled that gold balloon on top with either pink confetti or blue. Okay, now, Josh, as the male, you have the honor of penetrating the yielding softness of that balloon with your golden phallus. LAUREN I.e., this safety pin right here, okay? So, Liza, get the balloons, please. LIZA LAUREN Please gather. All right, let's do this in T-minus ten, nine... ALL Eight, seven, six... MAGGIE Let me help you. LIZA Wait, wait, wait. It's just trapped. Oh, I got it. ALL JOSH Oh, my God, no! LIZA No, no, no, no. JOSH No! LAUREN Come back. LIZA I am so sorry, can we call the balloon company? You don't wanna have to wait two weeks, do you? CLARE Uh, guys. I don't think I'm gonna have to. JOSH What? CLARE I think the baby's coming. JOSH Now? CLARE Now. Now, I mean like, right now. JOSH Oh, my God! Uh, okay, will somebody please call a car? MAGGIE Two minutes! Yes. CLARE & JOSH CLARE JOSH Three more minutes, just hang on. MAGGIE Shouldn't somebody else be in the splash zone? CLARE Maggie. You and I are the only two women on the planet who've been inside my mother. CLARE We're bonded! MAGGIE Oh, whoa, whoa, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's coming for me. JOSH Hey, hey, hey, remember your breathing? Right, deep breaths. MAGGIE Not helping. CLARE I need to push. JOSH No, don't push! MAGGIE Do not push. DRIVER No baby in my Uber! CLARE Too late. JOSH Oh, wow! MAGGIE There goes my five-star rating. PLUMBER Yo, Enzo. You see this? There's that picture again. And some article about love. ENZO Get out of here. The hell am I paying you for? PLUMBER Okay, loverboy. ENZO "Flush With Love"? What the--"Dreams we have as a child, dreams we pack..." DIANA ...In a box for college. Dreams you unpack when you move into your first apartment. Who you'll meet, where you'll work, who you'll fall in love with. Think you have it all figured out? Life has better ideas. A bigger imagination takes bigger chances than someone like me, a year ago. Moving through her forties in a cloud of old ideas. Life gives you more than you thought, but maybe not in the package you expected. MAGGIE Liza. DIANA It's deeper than that. It's what you need underneath the want. It gives you what you can't breathe without. ENZO Did you mean this? DIANA Yes. ENZO Even this part? Where you say you're not looking for the man of your dreams? That what you care about now is the man at night sleeping next to you, dreaming? DIANA Yes. I mean it. Every word. ENZO Get over here. DIANA You get over here. So go ahead and plan. Just know, when all your scheming and planning, and hoping is done, life plans back. CHARLES Hi. Everything okay? LIZA Yeah. Baby girl. CHARLES Hmm. LIZA They're happy. CHARLES Good for them. Me too. You? LIZA Yeah. Me too.