ALL CHARLES CLARE COMPUTER DIANA ENZO JOANNA JOSH KELSEY LAUREN LIZA MAGGIE MAN QUINN RAMESH REDMOND ZANE LIZA Good morning. CHARLES Good morning. Ow. LIZA Are you okay? CHARLES We gotta talk about your bed. LIZA What's wrong with my bed? CHARLES It's somewhat child-size. LIZA It's cozy. CHARLES Ooh, my neck says differently. Ah. LIZA I know why your neck is sore. And thank you. CHARLES Mm. LIZA Mm-kay. As much as I would love to... CHARLES Big day. LIZA Big day. CHARLES Yeah. LIZA This must be weird for you. CHARLES I'm fine. I'm looking forward to having some free time. And I'm going to start by reading the entire newspaper. LIZA They still make those? CHARLES And then, uh... I may just go buy my girlfriend a real bed. LIZA Well, as long as you're in it when she gets home, she won't complain. CHARLES Have a wonderful day. And tell Kelsey that she can call me anytime. CHARLES Bye. LIZA Love you. KELSEY And he didn't say anything? LIZA I didn't give him a chance. KELSEY You just walked out? LIZA No, it was more like I threw a verbal grenade and ran. LAUREN Ah, finally. Hi. KELSEY Wait, I thought you were joking about the steadicam. LAUREN No, no. I'm shooting her for social today. LIZA Hi. KELSEY Can we hurry? It's freezing out here. LAUREN Kelsey, listen to me. You are a role model for every young girl with an English degree who wants to believe that she didn't throw away four years of her life, okay? You are the youngest publisher in New York right now, and you are defining a cultural moment. We have to do this right. KELSEY Don't oversell me, because I'm nervous enough as it is. LIZA Project confidence, because everyone is secretly shitting inside. KELSEY Who said that? LIZA You did, my first week at work, and I'll never forget it. KELSEY Oh. LIZA You got this, Kels. LAUREN Cute. Okay, now let's get an entrance. KELSEY Okay. LAUREN Yes. Good, great. Now--wait, wait, wait. Kelsey, now look back like, "I own this skyscraper and everything in it." KELSEY No. LAUREN Kelsey, no--wait. Kelsey, this is important. LAUREN Yes, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. DIANA Good morning, ladies. It's your big day, Kelsey. Ms. Heller, this is a surprise. LIZA Kelsey hired Lauren as our social media strategist. KELSEY It's more of a consulting position, but I'd love to discuss it with you further. LAUREN Yeah, I'm a--I'm a big value-add for you, Zommy. DIANA You call the shots, Kelsey. You're the boss. LIZA KELSEY Uh, be honest. How many times did you two clear this desk? LIZA We didn't. I mean, we alm--we almost--we almost did. KELSEY Okay, your lying game used to be so much stronger. You okay? LIZA I am so happy for you, Kelsey. And I will do everything I can to support you. It's just, he gave up a lot for me. KELSEY Yeah, he did. I know that this is his family legacy, and we're gonna make it stronger than it's ever been. LIZA I love you. KELSEY Aww. You didn't even run away. LIZA MAGGIE Well, hello. CHARLES Hi. You must be Maggie. MAGGIE Wow. The height I expected, but she failed to mention the abs. CHARLES MAGGIE Don't worry. The male form does very little for me. Come sit down. CHARLES Ah. MAGGIE So... Liza's been through a lot. CHARLES Uh, yeah, I'm aware. MAGGIE And from what I understand, so have you. CHARLES I have. MAGGIE Well, sometimes it makes two people perfect for each other. CHARLES Hmm. MAGGIE And other times, those two people can drag each other down like anchors. CHARLES I would never do that to Liza. MAGGIE No one ever does it on purpose. CLARE You know, I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was, like... 13 weeks along. JOSH Oh. CLARE And when I found out, I wanted to tell you. But it's such a difficult conversation to have. And then I felt the baby kick. And for the first time, everything seemed real, and I knew I had to tell you. JOSH Wait, wait, you felt the baby kick? CLARE It happens all the time. Would you like to feel? JOSH Uh... yeah. Yeah, I'd love to. CLARE There. JOSH Oh! CLARE JOSH Wow. CLARE LIZA KELSEY Hello. LIZA I can't believe I have an office, an actual door that closes. KELSEY Okay, full disclosure: I have done it on this desk. I've done it under the desk. I've used that little stool to prop and elevate my hips. KELSEY And... LIZA Oh, wow, look. It's Josh. KELSEY Oh, uh, have you spoken to him? LIZA Why? Is something wrong? KELSEY You should probably just talk to him. QUINN Knock, knock. Settling in okay? KELSEY So far, so good. QUINN Well, don't get too comfortable, 'cause we have a problem. KELSEY Uh-oh. QUINN I got an advance copy of the Page Six blind item. It's dropping any minute. LIZA But we're covered, right? I mean, that's the whole reason why Charles stepped down as publisher, so our relationship could go public. QUINN Read the headline. LIZA "What publisher made a hasty exit thanks to an affair with a 28-year-old associate?" QUINN If you come forward with your real age now, guess who people are going to assume is the 28-year-old associate? KELSEY Me? QUINN Yeah. KELSEY Ew. LIZA Ew? KELSEY Well, he's, like, 20 years older than me, Liza. LIZA We can run a correction, say I'm 42. QUINN My investor group is gonna have a hard enough time dealing with news of the affair. LIZA It's not an affair. QUINN He's still legally married, correct? LIZA Correct. QUINN They're not gonna be able to deal with identity fraud on top of that. Let's just keep the age thing status quo for now. LIZA But I thought we agreed... QUINN We did. But we have to be strategic. We are launching a groundbreaking publishing company run entirely by women. That is our story. Let's not turn it into a pity party about ageism. DIANA Well, now it all makes sense: the promotion, the secrecy. Congratulations, Kelsey. You bottomed your way to the very top. LIZA I got this. Diana, wait. It's not what you think. DIANA Don't. LIZA But... DIANA I don't care if she is your friend. I don't care if she didn't mean for it to happen. LIZA No... DIANA If you say one more word in her defense, I will never speak to you again. LIZA Diana. It's not Kelsey. It's me. It's me! I'm--I'm the 28-year-old associate having an affair with the publisher. LIZA Diana, please. Wait. Let me explain. DIANA What's there to explain? It's a story as old as time: the assistant sleeping with the boss. LIZA I am so sorry I kept this from you. It's new, and... we didn't want it to come out like this. DIANA Close the door on your way out. LIZA MAN Liza Miller? CHARLES Mm-hmm. MAN The yodeling mom? She's the woman in your office who faked her age? Get outta here. CHARLES This stays between us. Pauline knows about her, not about her age. MAN I'm not saying anything. Who'd believe it? CHARLES MAN Why would you do this to yourself? CHARLES I can't explain it. When--when I'm with her... I feel free. MAN But she cost you your whole business, everything you worked for. CHARLES That was my decision. MAN What the hell are you gonna do the rest of your life? You can't be retiring in your 40s. CHARLES I'm going to take a little time and figure it out. MAN Well, don't take too much time. It's not easy for guys our age. Look at Empirical--the young eclipsing the old. If you don't have a big Instagram account these days, you won't even get an interview. REDMOND Thank you for the surprise invitation. Mwah, mwah. DIANA I'm just glad you were available. REDMOND I wasn't. I'm just dying to hear how the regime change is going at Millennial. Do Kelsey's feet reach the floor in Charles' seat? DIANA Well, let's just put it this way: if you hear of anyone looking for a senior marketing executive, please let me know. REDMOND Oh. Okay. I'll make some inquiries--but discreetly. I'll keep it quiet. DIANA Oh, Redmond, if I had wanted it kept quiet, I would have never come to you. REDMOND DIANA Can we see the champagne list, please? REDMOND Oh! RAMESH Let's move on to the FOH and the VOH, most of which is title-specific, represented by the TSC line. But here's where it gets really interesting. We expense PP&B plus royalty very differently in the company P&L than in each title's P&L. And the reason is this... KELSEY Um, can I interrupt you for one sec, Ramesh? RAMESH Too fast? I could start over. QUINN No. KELSEY I need to pull back from these details and just ask a few basic questions. Is the company making money? RAMESH Quite the opposite. KELSEY Okay, so we are--are losing money. RAMESH Every day. As you see here, our revenue keeps falling further and further behind our costs. KELSEY Okay, I thought your investor group was making up the difference. QUINN We are, month by month, but it would help if you could make cuts. Anyway, strong start. I'm excited. We've got some good soil. KELSEY Wait, are you leaving? QUINN Yeah, I've gotta go to the airport. Davos again. Oof. Happy cost-cutting. KELSEY So what's going on with you? Let me guess. You took the job at Chicky. ZANE Nope. KELSEY What happened? They found out about your dicky? ZANE Uh, let's just say I got some other irons in the fire. KELSEY All right, well, that's a nonanswer. ZANE Yeah, because nothing's firm yet. KELSEY Nothing at all? ZANE Hey, hey, hey. Eyes up here. KELSEY ZANE Hey, tell me about your work. How was your first day of being queen boss? KELSEY It's harder than I thought. It's all spreadsheets and forecasts and budgets and everything except actual books. And I really want to forget about it tonight... and maybe share one of these with you. ZANE A Room For Two. That looks good. KELSEY Mm-hmm. ZANE But while I'm figuring out my career, maybe we should just stay friends. KELSEY Are we friends? ZANE Of course. Friends watch each other's backs, and something's going on behind yours that you need to know about. Diana's looking for a new job. KELSEY What? ZANE Yeah. I heard it from Redmond. Don't lose Diana. She's the best marketing person that I've ever worked with. KELSEY I need a drink. ZANE Hey, friend to friend, get an herbal tea. KELSEY Right. Excuse me. Tequila, rocks, please. MAGGIE So I don't understand. Clare's living in New York now? JOSH Yeah, I--I guess she's been here for months. She got a job in the gaming division at Google in Dublin, and then they transferred her here. MAGGIE Mm. That's interesting. So she's a professional gamer. LIZA Maggie. MAGGIE No, I'm just saying. I mean, we don't even know if it's Josh's kid. JOSH She says she hasn't been with anyone else. MAGGIE Well, then she won't mind taking a paternity test. JOSH That feels like a weird thing to ask her to do, right? MAGGIE You know what would be weird? You paying 18 years of child support for a baby that's not yours. LIZA This baby deserves to know who his or her father is. JOSH Can they even do that test before the baby's born? MAGGIE I don't know. How soon can you test for paternity? COMPUTER You can test for paternity as early as eight weeks into pregnancy. JOSH Right. LIZA Wow. JOSH So what do you think I should do? COMPUTER Things to do in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. JOANNA My book is called "The Glass Cliff." Our research shows that when companies appoint women to their C-suites, they experience a 27% decline in revenue. Why? Why are women underperforming? KELSEY Huh. Maybe they're not as aggressive as men? LIZA Hmm. KELSEY Or maybe they're too aggressive, which hurts morale, which then hurts sales. JOANNA Or maybe we shouldn't be blaming the women at all. Maybe the women are being set up to fail. KELSEY Okay, what do you mean? JOANNA Female CEOs inherit distressed companies far more often than their male counterparts. When an institution is in crisis, the next man up usually gets the ax. So why not make him a woman? LIZA Are you saying corporate boards are purposely scapegoating women? JOANNA It's more likely an unconscious gender bias. But it's real, and it happens over and over: Marissa Mayer at Yahoo, Mary Barra at General Motors, Theresa May with Brexit. Women finally make it to the top, only to discover they're standing on a glass cliff that can shatter at any moment. KELSEY Excuse me, I'm gonna go get some air. LIZA No one is setting you up. KELSEY You don't know that. Finances are cratering here. Okay, why not find someone to blame, fire them, and then restructure? LIZA No one is firing you. KELSEY Unless I fail. LIZA You are not going to fail. You have a great team. You have me, Charles, Diana... KELSEY Yeah, maybe not Diana. LIZA What are you talking about? KELSEY Zane told me that she's job-hunting. LIZA Is that why she missed the pitch meeting? KELSEY I've called her a million times today, and I can't get her to pick up. LIZA Well, then we gotta go find her. ENZO Hey. LIZA Enzo, hi, we were hoping to speak to Diana. ENZO She's not here. She said she wanted to be alone, that she was having some sort of crisis. KELSEY A crisis? LIZA Did she use that exact word? ENZO Mm-hmm. KELSEY Ugh. It's even more crowded than the last time. LIZA Okay, I know she's here. Let's just split up and take separate... DIANA So hold this moment fast. LIZA Wait, I hear her. DIANA And live and love. KELSEY Right there! Go. DIANA And make this moment last because the best of times is now, is now, is now, is now, is now. KELSEY Diana. DIANA What--no! No, no, no, no! No! This is my sanctuary. KELSEY Okay, well, you're not returning my phone calls. LIZA I am so sorry, Diana. I should've told you about Charles. I could give you a million reasons why we wanted to keep it quiet, but it doesn't matter. I'm just... I'm so sorry. DIANA Hmm. KELSEY Listen, Diana... I want you to know how much I respect you and value you. I want to make you our top-salaried employee. DIANA You can't afford that, Kelsey. LIZA She'll divert part of her salary to you. KELSEY I need you at Millennial. DIANA Ah. But you see, that's the problem. I'm not a millennial. And it's just a matter of time before the digital natives chop off my head, so... If you'll excuse me. LIZA Diana. LIZA I have an idea. KELSEY Wait, what are you doing? LIZA I'm not sure, but Diana loves this song, and we have to try something. KELSEY Oh, my God. You're right. What are we supposed to do now? No. Are you serious? LIZA Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen. Pour myself a cup of ambition. KELSEY And yawn and stretch and try to come to life. LIZA Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumping. KELSEY Out on the street, the traffic starts jumping. KELSEY & LIZA Folks like me on the job from nine to five. KELSEY & LIZA Working nine to five. What a way to make a living. DIANA Don't encourage them. KELSEY & LIZA Barely getting by. It's all taking and no giving. DIANA They just use your mind. And they never give you credit. It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it. DIANA Ooh-ooh. They let you dream just to watch 'em shatter. You're just a step on the boss man's ladder. But you've got dreams they'll never take away. LIZA You're in the same boat with a lot of your friends. KELSEY Waiting for the day your ship will come in. ALL When the tide's gonna turn and it's all gonna roll your away. Working nine to five. What a way to make a living. Barely getting by. It's all taking and no giving. They just use your mind and they never give you credit. It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it. KELSEY & LIZA Working nine to five for service and devotion. LIZA You would think that I... KELSEY Oh, my God. LIZA What? KELSEY People in the '80s only worked from 9:00 to 5:00. KELSEY Oh. LIZA Josh, hi. JOSH Hi. KELSEY Are you okay? JOSH Uh, yeah. I guess. I got the test results back today. KELSEY And? JOSH And... I'm, uh... gonna be a dad. KELSEY Holy shit. LIZA Josh. JOSH LIZA Wow. JOSH Yeah. LIZA Josh, you're gonna make such a great father. JOSH You think so? LIZA I'm 100% sure. KELSEY Congratulations. JOSH Thanks. LIZA Wow. KELSEY I'll see you at work tomorrow, okay? LIZA Okay. KELSEY Wow. LIZA You freaking out? JOSH Yep. I am. LIZA Don't worry. I'm, uh--I'm kind of a baby whisperer. JOSH Hmm. LIZA I know all the tricks. JOSH Good. I'm gonna need you around for this, for real. LIZA No problem. I got you. JOSH JOSH It's funny, really. You and I broke up because you didn't want me to have to give up having a kid. Now I'm having a kid, and... you're with someone else. Timing. LIZA Yeah, timing. LIZA Good morning. DIANA Is that coffee? LIZA Old habits die hard. DIANA Apparently so did whatever it is you're wearing. LIZA Uh... DIANA LIZA I'm so happy you stayed. DIANA Are we working, or are we mewling like kittens? LIZA Hey, Maggie. Everything okay? MAGGIE Uh, yeah, someone just sent you a new bed. LIZA What? MAGGIE With everything. I just texted you a pic. LIZA Oh, my God. It's gorgeous. MAGGIE Wait till you feel the sheets. They're like butter. LIZA I'm gonna have to call you back. I gotta go thank someone. MAGGIE Okay, well, can you tell him that our fridge is kind of old too? LIZA Okay. Bye. CHARLES Hi. LIZA Hi. CHARLES What are you doing here? LIZA I didn't know you were really going to buy me a new bed. CHARLES Ah. You like it? LIZA I love it so much that I thought I'd spend my lunch hour thanking you in person. CHARLES Mm. LIZA Is it wrong of me to say that a part of me just... really misses you there? CHARLES Yeah, I really miss being there too. But it's okay, because I... I did it for the woman I love. LIZA Did you just tell me you love me? CHARLES I think I pretty much had feelings for you for... 16 years. LIZA What? CHARLES Since you were 26, and now you're 42. It's long enough to know. LIZA ZANE Well, good afternoon, you two. LIZA Hello. What are you doing here? ZANE I'm meeting with Charles. LIZA Oh. About what? CHARLES Oh. Just, uh... just two guys trying to figure out their next move. ZANE Yep. LIZA CHARLES Come on in. CHARLES So I will see you tonight? LIZA Of course. CHARLES Bye. LIZA Bye.