BRODIN CHRISTIAN CHRISTIANI DANIELLA EMMA FC FIE KAISA LAURITS LUDVIG MARGRETHE MONA NIKO
RICHARD_GERE SATHER TORILL YLLI YOUSEF
 
EMMA
Hey, are you outside?

NIKO
Yeah, I wanted to share some good news.

EMMA
OK?

NIKO
But the realtor just called and said the others have upped their bid.

EMMA
They upped it? By how much?

NIKO
They upped it by too much.

EMMA
No! Shit!

NIKO
Yeah.

EMMA
We can't go any higher.

NIKO
No, I know. Sorry, EMMA.

EMMA
No, it isn't your fault. Are you coming in here?

NIKO
No, I have to make that meeting at Intility. Can you give her my best?

EMMA
Sure. OK, sure. I love you.

NIKO
Bye.

EMMA
Bye.

MONA
Did you lose it?

EMMA
Where do people get so much money? We were so incredibly close. Fuck! Sorry, I don't want your birthday to be about us bidding on an apartment. Happy birthday.

MONA
Thank you.

EMMA
NIKO says hi. The wine was from him.

MONA
Did you crochet this?

EMMA
Mhm.

MONA
Thank you!

EMMA
You're welcome.

MONA
Not long to go now, LAURITS. Kid number six, on its way.

MONA
Six kids.

EMMA
Crazy.

MONA
Can you imagine? I'm just glad for the one I have. Because she is absolutely perfect.
There we go! Seven centimeters. Your volleyball team is about to be complete, LAURITS.

MONA
Care to join?

LAURITS
Not a chance.

MONA
Bye.

EMMA
Hi

NIKO
Come to the entrance. They withdrew their bid!

EMMA
Huh?

NIKO
The realtor just called and said that they had withdrawn their bid.

EMMA
Can they do that?

NIKO
Apparently.

EMMA
What does that mean?

NIKO
It means we can't afford a couch, we can't afford a bed, we can't afford a wedding reception.

EMMA
We got the apartment?

NIKO
Yes, we got the apartment!

NIKO
We're debt slaves.

EMMA
We're debt slaves!

EMMA
Be careful, because there are some loose nails and stuff, but here is the
bedroom. And the living room and kitchen. You have to use a little imagination to see how it will end up.

NIKO
There are a couple of things that need fixing, but once that's done it will be great.

TORILL
Amazing potential.

YLLI
Lots of potential.
Yeah, and you've managed this without
any help? You've been so good at saving.

MONA
I am so impressed!

TORILL
I totally agree, MONA. When I got pregnant, we had to live at home with mom and dad.

NIKO
We aren't pregnant, mom.

TORILL
No? I mean. What?

EMMA
No.

TORILL
Anyway, my point is that the walls are so thin back home that mom could hear us when we ...

NIKO
Mom, please.

TORILL
Anyway, it's great that you have found your own place now, so.

YLLI
Your mother and I are very proud of what you have done here. That's what she's trying to say.

EMMA
Thank you.

YLLI
And .

TORILL	
Right. We think it's too bad that you spent all your savings on the apartment and can't afford a wedding reception, so.

YLLI	
Here.

NIKO
Thank you.

YLLI	
The amount is on page two.

EMMA	
Thank you.

NIKO	
I mean. Thank you, but this really isn't necessary.

TORILL	
Of course it is necessary! What are you talking about?

YLLI	
It's a pleasure to be able to help. It's nothing.

TORILL	
It's not exactly nothing. Because I mentioned to Aunt and Uncle that you were considering not having a party. And I mentioned it to the rest of the famil at Eldbj�rg's 85th. And they understood, but they were also very sad inside. Because you have to celebrate when you get married!

EMMA	
But. This is an amazing gift. Thank you so much.

TORILL	
I hope it's OK for you, Emma, and for you too, Mona. Since there are so few on your side.

MONA	
Of course that's fine. There are two of us, after all.

TORILL	
Of course. We'll be quite a few from Stj�rdal, to put it that way. There'll be 62 of us, if you include the kids. But you don't have to invite kids in a wedding.

MONA	
Sorry, I have to go. But this will be great.

MONA	
Here.

EMMA	
Thank you.

MONA	
I was just wondering. Will I get as much time to speak as Niko's entire extended family?

EMMA
Yes, of course.

MONA	
So, a lovely four-hour speech.

MONA	
OK. Bye.

EMMA	
Bye. Thank you.

NIKO	
I'm speechless. Thank you. And I was thinking we could serve

TORILL	
meatball soup.

EMMA	
Meatball soup? Yes, that's easy to make, since there

TORILL	
will be so many of us. This will be fun!

YLLI	
Rai-rai!

NIKO
Stop it.

EMMA	
I'm just going to put these in water, if we have anything.

TORILL	
Anyway.

EMMA	
Hello!

EMMA	
It's bighearted of them, but that wasn't how I pictured my wedding.

LUDVIG
OK?

EMMA	
Because now they've basically taken over the party planning.

LUDVIG
I thought you said you weren't having a party.

EMMA	
I don't really care about that party. I just want to marry NIKO and have a crazy bachelorette party.

LUDVIG
I look like a pissing dog on a sinking ship.

EMMA	
You actually do. There, great. Straighten your hips. I mean, it is an amazing gift.

LUDVIG
Amazing gift, sure, but?

EMMA	
But I don't have a family to invite.

LUDVIG
You need family.

EMMA	
Yeah, and I only have mom. It's just the two of us. So all those speeches and moments and.

LUDVIG
And?

EMMA	
You know, those long speeches with bunches of details from your childhood. The kind that are embarrassing but also kind of nice, because they're like: This is what EMMA was like.Only mom knows me like that.

LUDVIG
I understand.

EMMA	
And that becomes extra obvious in a setting like that. Especially when. Straighten your hips.

LUDVIG
Straightening.

EMMA	
Especially when NIKO has twelve relatives who have asked to "say a few words."

LUDVIG
So it wasn't only a gift. I assume there were some demands?

EMMA
You bet. Ever heard of meatball soup at a wedding?

LUDVIG
What? Meatball soup? No, I have not heard of that.

EMMA	
Neither had I. But we're having meatball soup at our wedding. That's what Torril wants.

LUDVIG
Money is always complicated.

EMMA	
So true.

EMMA	
You're doing super. I'm so proud of you, Ludvig

LUDVIG
Stop bragging about my mediocre achievements.

EMMA	
They aren't mediocre, they are good.

LUDVIG
Is this when I'm supposed to tell you that wedding is a waste of time? All marriages eventually sink like the Titanic anyway.

EMMA	
Two ship metaphors? Not bad!

LUDVIG
Yes, two of them.

EMMA	
I hated Titanic.

LUDVIG
What? That was a great movie.

EMMA	
It was so dark. I like those '90s rom-coms. Romantic and cozy and no one dies, if you know what I mean?

LUDVIG
Yes, fortunately I understand English, since you constantly insist on communicating between that and Norwegian.

EMMA	
OK. Yo, bitch, are you ready to see.

LUDVIG
Not really
EMMA	
Your development over the past month?

EMMA	
Are you feeling OK?

LUDVIG
Yes, motherfucker! Wasn't that right?

EMMA	
It was a little.

LUDVIG
Fuck, fuck, fuck.

EMMA
Pay attention!

LUDVIG
Yeah, yeah.

NIKO	
Are you holding it?

EMMA	
Yes. Up, up!

NIKO	
There.

NIKO	
Careful.

EMMA	
No, it's falling.

NIKO	
OK? Come on. Come on.

EMMA	
You do it.

NIKO	
Good!

EMMA	
Thank you.

NIKO	
You're welcome.

EMMA	
You can't sit.

NIKO	
You can't work over me!

EMMA	
Can't you start at the other end?

NIKO	
Look how bad.

NIKO	
I've been painting this fucking wall all day!

EMMA	
But you didn't remove the nail.

NIKO	
That was your job!

NIKO	
Stop it!

NIKO	
Don't wear yourself out.

EMMA	
No, the other way.

EMMA	
499 kroner online!

EMMA	
There.

EMMA	
Freeze!

NIKO	
Pasta again.

EMMA	
I just wonder if I said something wrong.

YOUSEF	
Stop worrying. Patients stop coming for all sorts of reasons. They find better chemistry with someone else, lose their motivation or whatever.

EMMA	
But he was motivated. I thought so, at least

DANIELLA	
It can't be that. You're a great motivator.

EMMA	
He doesn't even answer my calls.

DANIELLA	
At school, Emma flashed her tits at some MMA guy with a slipped disc to get him up on the mat.

YOUSEF	
Are you serious?!

EMMA	
No. Of course not!

DANIELLA	
I'm just trying to help you here, to show that you're a great motivator.

YOUSEF	
But did that really happen, or not?

EMMA	
No!
	
DANIELLA	
Did it happen or not? Of course it did.

EMMA	
Bring me a beer?

DANIELLA	
It happened.

EMMA	
This is Emma. Hi,Emma. This is Jon Arvid SATHER from the law firm Nagell Dahl calling. Do you have two minutes?

EMMA	
Say what?

SATHER	
I apologize for the short notice. but could you attend a meeting at 2 pm tomorrow?

EMMA	
Right.

SATHER	
Yes, I have a matter I'd like to discuss with you.

EMMA	
OK, yes, I understand. 2 pm?

SATHER	
Yes. Anything particular I should bring or

EMMA	
think about?

SATHER	
No, you don't have to bring anything.

EMMA	
No? Fine.

SATHER	
I'll send you the address.

EMMA	
Sure. Send it to this number.

SATHER	
Excellent.

EMMA	
See you then.

SATHER	
Good. Have a nice day.

EMMA	
You too.

EMMA	
Hey. Now DANIELLA has outdone herself. Or is Therese responsible for the bachelorette party, and she'll just hold a speech at the wedding or something? No, don't tell me! I don't want to know. YOUSEF Who is Therese?

EMMA	
Therese. My other maid of honor. DANIELLA's twin. You need to listen when people tell you things, YOUSEF. That's a good tip for you to survive on Tinder.Listen, listen. I have a "meeting" with an attorney tomorrow.
    
EMMA 
Yousef Really? What about? You are seriously the world's worst actor. No, don't say anything. I won't say anything. I'll pretend I don't know. Then stop asking!

DANIELLA
Emma Here you go. No, thanks, but I can't sit here drinking beer. Because I've been summoned to a meeting tomorrow. With an attorney. I have no idea what it's about But I feel I need to be a little fresh for that meeting. You guys have fun. Bye!

DANIELLA	
Bye. What the fuck?

YOUSEF	
What just happened?
    
DANIELLA	
You need to start paying attention.

EMMA	
Will I need my passport?

NIKO	
I can't say anything, but I don't think you'll need your passport

EMMA	
No, don't say anything! It's a surprise!

NIKO	
Why don't you drink a glass of wine if you're so damn nervous?

EMMA	
I'm not nervous, I'm excited. And sorry that I'm not interested in you. Who are you playing against?

NIKO	
FC Brann.

EMMA	
Good luck.

NIKO	
Thank you.

EMMA	
They are damned lucky to have you as part of their support staff. You're my support staff too.

NIKO	
That was so cheesy!

EMMA	
I'm going to be so hungover tomorrow.

NIKO	
I've told you I can't say anything, OK? But if tonight is your bachelorette party, only if, I'll get you a burger and coke, and you can choose the movie. Just not Clueless, please.

EMMA	
But that's a classic!

NIKO	
That's a classic!

EMMA	
OK, bye.

NIKO	
Bye.

SATHER	
EMMA Nystedt?

EMMA	
Yes.

SATHER	
Jon Arvid SATHER.

EMMA	
This is exciting. So you are .

SATHER
I'm the attorney who called you.

EMMA	
The attorney. Right. Funny.

SATHER	
So you haven't been here before?

EMMA	
Eh, no. I have not.

SATHER	
Hi. Jon Arvid SATHER. And EMMA Nystedt.

Secretary	
Down the hall to the left.

SATHER	
Thank you.

MARGRETHE
Please, don't

FIE	
You could say hi to her.

MARGRETHE
Sure. Hi there, little baby.

FIE	
Christ!

CHRISTIAN	
Please, come in.

CHRISTIAN	
Have a seat wherever you want.

SATHER	
I'd like to begin by offering my condolences. And thank you for meeting me on such short notice, in spite of the lack of an agenda for this meeting. But it was a strong wish from Bullmann to have you in the same room when you received this information.

CHRISTIAN	
Don't worry about that. Go ahead.

SATHER	
Jon Arvid Sather from Nagell Dahl, at the request of Bullmann, received certain responsibilities upon his passing.

CHRISTIAN
Excuse me, just. Excuse me. Isn't that your department?

BRODIN
I have no more information than you, but I am very curious. What is this about?

SATHER
Bullmann contacted us a while back to handle a somewhat delicate matter. Per the request of the deceased, I am first going to read some words from him. And then we can get back to the formalities.

SATHER	
Dear Margrethe, Fie, Christian and Kaisa. I'm sorry. This is the hardest thing I've had to do, but it is the only right thing. You are adults now, and should know. You are adults now, and should know you have an unknown sister. Emma Nystedt."And to you, Emma.

MARGRETHE
What? Excuse me.

BRODIN
Stop right there. Before you say another word, as the family's attorney I need to review this thoroughly.

SATHER	
I apologize, but these were the wishes

BRODIN
So you say. But I'll need all your case files. Then I will discuss this with the family in private. Let's use conference room 2. All the case files you have. Thank you.

CHRISTIAN	
Excuse us, I'm sure we'll be back shortly.

EMMA	
What does What does this mean? I mean. Are they my siblings?

SATHER	
Mhm.

MARGRETHE
This can't be right, that Doddo has a bastard child. He wouldn't put himself in that position.

CHRISTIAN	
Ok, ok, ok. So we have another sister, is that the case? And that's her? That girl sitting in there is our sister?If we can believe that guy. Do you know who he is, Brodin?

BRODIN
No, I don't know him or his firm.

KAISA
She had so much makeup on, I was like: "You must be a secretary."

CHRISTIAN	
Easy, now.

FIE	
What does it say? Doddo has apparently changed plans at the end of his life. I'm just trying to

BRODIN
follow.

MARGRETHE
This is clearly some sort of fraud.

CHRISTIAN	
Shh!

MARGRETHE
Don't shush me!

CHRISTIAN	
She's sitting right there.

MARGRETHE
Behind two panes of glass.

CHRISTIAN	
She can still hear us. Lower your voice.

KAISA
OK, but do we know how old she is?

MARGRETHE
Whatever. The important thing is, what does this mean for us? Look at this.
There are reallocations in the will.

CHRISTIAN	
Reallocations? What do you mean? Reallocations?

SATHER	
Do you have anyone you can call?

EMMA	
I thought you were a stripper. That this was my bachelorette party.

SATHER	
Congratulations. On your wedding.

EMMA	
Thank you.

EMMA	
They are his children?

SATHER	
Yes.

EMMA	
And we have the same father.

SATHER	
Mhm.

EMMA
But he is dead?

SATHER	
My condolences.

EMMA	
This isn't my bachelorette party.

SATHER	
My apologies. No. It isn't.

EMMA	
But the man who is my father, is dead? Sorry, I already asked you about that.

SATHER	
The funeral was last week.;Bottom line, she is to inherit the same

BRODIN
as you.

MARGRETHE
She gets 20 % of the cottage.

FIE	
No way!

CHRISTIAN	
What, is that what it says?

KAISA
Huh? She's 25 years old. She's the same age as me. So that. She's the administrator of "We who want cherry ice cream back."

FIE	
Wow, what a character! Nice to get. OK, don't look behind me now, but she looks just like

KAISA
grandmother. Just like her.

FIE	
My god!

KAISA
Grandmother wasn't exactly a looker toward the end.

Kaisa
Maybe we should warn her about those drooping jowls.Yeah, she should consider fillers ASAP

Margrethe 
CHRISTIAN Margrethe. Excuse me, can we please focus here? What we need to do now is get Doddo declared incompetent so we can invalidate that will.Why? He wasn't of sound mind.

CHRISTIAN	
No, it's virtually impossible to invalidate a will. Forget about it.

MARGRETHE
We have to try, CHRISTIAN.

CHRISTIAN	
No, that will just be.

MARGRETHE
We have to try!

CHRISTIAN	
Brodin?

BRODIN
Do any of you believe Doddo was insane or had dementia oR.

MARGRETHE
He has given 20 % of our inheritance to Some unknown bastard! He must have been influenced by something or someone.

CHRISTIAN	
We need to try to deal with this discreetly. We can't tell the world that dad was insane. He has a reputation, a legacy we have to consider.

KAISA 
CHRISTIANI don't want him to be remembered as some out-of-control nutjob.Exactly.

FIE	
No, that would be embarrassing.

CHRISTIAN	
Totally embarrassing.

MARGRETHE
What are you so afraid of, CHRISTIAN? Are you afraid that someone will challenge the A share? Is that it?

CHRISTIAN	
Christ!

FIE	
Don't get nasty.

CHRISTIAN	
If you want to go there again, book a damn conference room.

MARGRETHE
I'm in a conference room right now.

FIE	
Hey, stop it! Doddo's been buried for less than a week. Chill.

CHRISTIAN
FIE 

CHRISTIAN	
We have to keep this from going public. The press will start speculating, there'll be mud-slinging, all kinds of things. And that could be risky for the company. And for this family. I sure don't want my face on the cover of Today's Business. Agreed.

KAISA
Me neither.

CHRISTIAN	
Doddo cared about his reputation. He spent his entire life building it. And the first thing we do after his death,
is ruin it?

MARGRETHE
I just don't understand why he did it like this. He could have sent her a pile of money. We wouldn't have needed to know about this at all. By the way, will she get a vote on the board? Because that's. You haven't called a board meeting. You haven't done that. You weresupposed to. Why haven't you done that?

CHRISTIAN	
You know what? I'll take care of this. This is on me. I'll deal with it. I'll deal with it.

FIE	
Hello? Why did he leave in the middle of the discussion?

MARGRETHE
Yeah, why did he just leave? Christ! CHRISTIAN!

SATHER	
Maybe we can take care of some of these formalities while we wait?

EMMA	
I don't know if I can deal with much more of this right now.

SATHER	
I understand. It's occupied! It's occupied! I'm

CHRISTIAN	
sitting here

MARGRETHE
You pee sitting down?

CHRISTIAN	
Yes. Everyone does now.

MARGRETHE
We need to have that board meeting ASAP. Because the Greeks are waiting for an answer and that bid won't be ther forever, OK?

CHRISTIAN	
I think they know this is a fairly special situation, with Doddo's passing. They'll give us some slack.

MARGRETHE
That's what being in charge is all about. You need to be able to have several thoughts in your head at the same time. Doddo may be dead, sure, but Meriakis is a very impatient man, OK?

CHRISTIAN	
Sure, Maggie, but can we deal with that EMMA girl first?

MARGRETHE
You haven't had a relapse, have you?

CHRISTIAN	
Close that door! It could be your prostate, if you have to sit when you pee. You should have

MARGRETHE
that checked.

EMMA	
And then mom got pregnant on that sailing trip, but she never found him.

SATHER	
He found you. Sure, but I'll never get to meet him,

EMMA	
if you know what I mean.
SATHER	
I think Doddo sincerely wanted to get to know you. It just happened so fast at the end.

EMMA	
Doddo?

SATHER	
Everyone called him that. Your father.

CHRISTIAN	
Hi.

EMMA	
Hi.

EMMA	
You come here often?

CHRISTIAN	
Yes, these are our headquarters, so.
EMMA	
Sorry. I feel kind of stupid. I apologize.

CHRISTIAN	
We're the ones who should apologize. Sorry for being so rude. We're a little shaken.

EMMA	
Yeah.

CHRISTIAN	
I'm sure this is a lot for you too. But we knew nothing about this until now.

EMMA	
No, I don't really understand anything.
Right. So we just need some time to

CHRISTIAN	
proce.

MARGRETHE
Process.
CHRISTIAN	
Process. We just buried our ather. So things are still a little.

EMMA	
Sure, you.

CHRISTIAN	
Would it be OK for you if we got back to you in a little bit? Would that be OK?

EMMA	
Yes, sure. You're grieving. Just take as much time as you need.

CHRISTIAN	
Yeah? Good.

EMMA	
We haven't really said hi.

CHRISTIAN	
Right.

EMMA	
EMMA.

CHRISTIAN	
EMMA. CHRISTIAN.

MARGRETHE
Hi. Margrethe.

EMMA	
Emma.

KAISA
Kaisa. Nice to meet you.

FIE	
Fie. Hi.

EMMA	
Hi. Yes. So you'll hear from us tomorrow, for example. Would you mind sticking

CHRISTIAN	
Around? Yes!

EMMA	
Ok.

SATHER	
Excuse me a second.

SATHER	
Emma? Call me if you need anything.
    
EMMA
Right. Thank you.

SATHER	
I'll send you the documents. We can go over them together.

EMMA	
Right. Look at that. There he is. Your father.

SATHER	
Doddo.

SATHER	
You'll hear from me.

EMMA	
Only mom knows me like that.

LUDVIG
I understand.

EMMA	
And that becomes extra obvious in a setting like that. Especially when Straighten your hips.

LUDVIG
Straightening.

EMMA	
Especially when NIKO has twelve relatives who have asked to say a few words.

LUDVIG
So it wasn't only a gift. I assume there were some demands?

EMMA	
You bet. Ever heard of meatball soup at a wedding?

LUDVIG
What? Meatball soup? No, I have not heard of that.

EMMA	
Neither had I. But we're having meatball soup at our wedding. That's what TORILL wants.

LUDVIG
Money is always complicated.

EMMA	
Why didn't you say anything?

RICHARD GERE
Excuse me, how much do you charge for a half-hour?

EMMA	
Huh

RICHARD GERE
How much do you charge for a half-hour?

EMMA	
I hope you're kidding.

RICHARD GERE
We both screw people for money

EMMA	
Yech. Christ, what a disgusting creep!

RICHARD GERE
We both screw people for money.

EMMA	
Stop it!

RICHARD GERE
What the hell?!

EMMA	
What's your problem, you disgusting pervert?!

RICHARD GERE
Shit!

EMMA	
Are you sick, or what?!

DANIELLA	
Hey! Christ! EMMA, stop!

DANIELLA	
He's Richard Gere from Pretty Woman! And Cher Horowitz from Clueless and Elle Woods from Legally Blonde and Mary whatever from There's Something About Mary! This is your bachelorette party, dammit!

EMMA	
Are you Bridget Jones?

DANIELLA	
Yes!

EMMA	
I'm so sorry, Richard Gere! I didn't recognize you. Sorry.

EMMA	
But then you must of course be

DANIELLA	
Pretty Woman!

DANIELLA	
You're getting married!