ADULT_EDDIE BOY BROCK DEIDRE EDDIE EMERY EVAN GEORGE GRANDMA_HUANG JANITOR JESSICA KIM LOUIS MAN MITCH MRS_UVEDA NANCY PRINCIPAL_HUNTER WALTER WOMAN EDDIE Mom, check it. Fresh as hell, right? JESSICA Eddie, don't say "hell." EVAN He also said "butthole" in the car. EDDIE Shut up, Evan, you little Chinese narc! EMERY Isn't that necklace heavy? EDDIE Life's heavy, son. Please, Mom, can I get this? JESSICA How much? Too much. ADULT EDDIE Moms thought everything was too much. She never understood that you couldn't haggle at JCPenney. It's like, "Those are set prices, Mom." ADULT EDDIE That's me, your boy Eddie Huang in the headphones. My family was moving from Washington, D.C., to Orlando, Florida. I was 11 years old, and it was 1995. This is the story of my family, an American family, the Huangs. That's my dad. He loved everything about America. Full-on bought into the American dream. Moms was always hard on me way before all that "tiger mom" stuff. She thought I was trying to cause trouble wearing that Nas shirt, but she didn't understand. If you were an outsider, hip-hop was your anthem. And I was definitely the black sheep in my family. These other people are Emery, Evan, and Grandma. Whatever. Was I excited about the move? No. Did anyone ask me if I was excited? Hell, no. But it's hard getting respect when you're 11. EDDIE Ugh, Dad! EDDIE Turn off the music! LOUIS Eddie, I know you're not excited to leave D.C., but you're gonna love Orlando. I've been there for six months setting up the restaurant, and I've grown to love it like the daughter we wished Evan had been. EDDIE I don't know why we have to move. Why couldn't you keep on going back and forth between Orlando and D.C.? LOUIS Because I didn't come to America to work for your mom's brother selling furniture for the rest of my life. JESSICA Your father is right. This is why we left Chinatown in D.C. This is why we left our family and friends. LOUIS Exactly. JESSICA This is why we left everything we know to come to a place where we know nothing and where the humidity is not good for my hair. LOUIS Right, okay. JESSICA And for what? So your father can own a cowboy restaurant. LOUIS It's called Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse, and I can't wait for you all to see it. It is beautiful. It is big, brown, and beautiful. EDDIE Like Shaq? LOUIS Exactly like Shaq. JESSICA Why you like Shaq so much? Why you not like Pete Sampras? So sexy. All that hair. LOUIS He's okay. Oh, your favorite song. EDDIE Lot of white folks here. EMERY Not like back in D.C. EDDIE Yeah. The only white people we ever saw there were the tourists who got lost. MAN White. House. JESSICA Hey, you boys just gonna sit there or pick up a box and help? EMERY Mom, is there a Chinatown in Orlando? JESSICA Hey, no more question, Barbara Walters. Pick up a lamp. DEIDRE Well, hi. Welcome to the neighborhood. I'm Deidre. This is Amanda. This is Samantha. This is Lisa. This is Carol-Joan. Welcome. JESSICA Thank you. I'm Jessica. DEIDRE Oh. I was expecting something a little more exotic, but I love the name Jessica. Had a sorority sister with that name. She died in a horrible riptide accident, but we dedicated a section of the highway to her. Anyway, where you guys from? EDDIE My parents were born in Taiwan, but my brothers and I were born in D.C. DEIDRE Oh! Your English is very good! JESSICA Are you all sister? DEIDRE Anyhoo, well, we've got to motor, but we go rollerblading every day, so if you ever want to join us, just give us a holler. WOMAN Come on. JESSICA The loudest one seem to be their queen. LOUIS So, who's hungry? LOUIS The cactuses were planted in old spittoons. I wanted it to be authentic, you know, like the real Wild West. The waiters used to wear spurs, but they were right at Achilles level, so we had to switch to the black Reeboks. Right, Nancy? NANCY I got sliced up pretty bad. LOUIS She did. EDDIE Dude, where the hell are we? EMERY I don't think Shaq eats here. EVAN Were there bears in the Old West? GRANDMA HUANG You were too slow. JESSICA Where are all the customer? LOUIS Technically, we are still in our soft opening, so -- JESSICA Louis, there is hardly anyone here, and that table is only drinking water. Hey, why you not drink beer?! LOUIS The restaurant is doing well, okay? Just not as well as it could be. JESSICA Why didn't you tell me? LOUIS Because I didn't want to give you another reason not to move here. I just have to figure out why the people aren't coming. JESSICA Maybe it's the food. LOUIS It's not the food. The food is perfect. Hector's a genius. EVAN Can I sit next to you on the bus? EMERY Sure. If you want. EVAN Me and Emery are gonna sit next to each other on our bus. You're on a different bus because you're at a different school, so I don't know who you'll sit next to. Definitely not Emery, though. He'll be next to me. EDDIE Oh, shut up, Evan. Mom, why do we have to start school on a Wednesday? Why can't we wait till Monday? JESSICA Why wait? You need to go to school so you go to college so you can make lots of money. EDDIE All you care about is money. JESSICA Do me a favor. Go find a homeless man. Ask him if he thinks money matters. You tell me what he says. EDDIE You're all about the eggs. JESSICA Eddie, eggs are life. You came from my eggs. Okay, so...I want you all to be polite, respectful, and don't make waves. EDDIE Why you only looking at me? JESSICA No, I'm talking to all of you. EDDIE Dude, you were looking right at me. JESSICA Okay, I was talking to you. Why do all your shirts have black men on them? EDDIE It's Notorious B.I.G.! Me and him are both dudes with mad dreams, just trying to get a little bit of respect in the game, just trying to get a nut. LOUIS Jessica, I figured it out. EDDIE Dad, how come we have to start school on a Wednesday? LOUIS That's a great question. Go to school. Go, go, go, go. LOUIS I was blow-drying my hair, and I figured it out -- how the restaurant can attract bigger crowds. JESSICA Well, how? LOUIS I need to hire a white host. Instead of people coming in and seeing a Chinese face and saying, "Huh? I thought this was an Old West steakhouse," they see a white face and say, "Oh, hello, white friend. I am comfortable." See? Exactly. Not welcoming. That's why no to your face and yes to the white face! Nice, happy white face, like Bill Pullman. MRS UVEDA Class, I'd like to introduce you to a new student. I know it's a little unorthodox being a Wednesday and all, but I'd like you all to give a warm, Abraham Lincoln Middle School welcome to..."Hung-ge Yi Minge." EDDIE Yeah, call me Eddie. MRS UVEDA Oh, thank God. EDDIE What's up? Cool if I sit? WALTER No. Fine, but don't try to talk to me. I don't like kids. My best friend is a 40-year-old man. BROCK Yo. Yo, Chinese kid. What's your name again? Something Chinese? EDDIE My name's Eddie. BROCK Eddie? You into B.I.G.? EDDIE Yeah, man. He's sick. BROCK I bought "Ready to Die" the day it came out. EDDIE You bought it? I stole it. BROCK Yo, come sit with us. EDDIE Yeah? Okay, man. Cool. WALTER A white dude and an Asian dude bonding over a black dude. This cafeteria's ridiculous. EDDIE So, I'm Eddie. BOY What's up? BROCK Hey, dude. BOY Hey. What's up, man? BROCK So my cousin told me about B.I.G. when I went to visit him last summer, and he -- Oh! What is that?! Gross! EDDIE It's Chinese food. My mom made it. BROCK Get it out of here! Oh, my God! Ying Ming's eating worms. BROCK Go! Go! Oh! Get that out of here! Go! Dude, that smells nasty! WALTER Oh, it didn't go well? The white people didn't welcome you with open arms? What? Sit elsewhere, B.I.G. DEIDRE Oh, I cannot believe Jake slept with Brittany. He knew Palmer Woodward was using her as part of a plot to destroy him and help Amanda take controlling interest of Melrose Place. Right, Jessica? JESSICA Yes. All those white people sound like they are making mistake. Oh, the school bus is here! I should go see how my boys' day was. DEIDRE Okay, sugar. Bye. I'm making you a mixtape. I hope you like Eric Clapton. JESSICA Thank you. Hey. So, how was your first -- EDDIE They said my lunch smelled! JESSICA It smelled delicious? EDDIE No, they said it stank, Mom! I had to eat behind the gym where the janitor flies his kite. JANITOR This is nice. JESSICA Well, those kids, they just don't know, that's all. It just -- It just take time to get used to something different. EDDIE I hate it here! I want to go back to D.C. JESSICA Eddie, that's not possible. We are here now. We have to make the best of it. Like I am doing with these neighborhood women. You think I like pretending Samantha isn't carrying a baggie of dog poops in her hand? No! I don't like this! We all see the poops there! It's rolling around! But I am trying! You have to try, too. EDDIE You're never on my side. JESSICA Eddie. Eddie, wait! EMERY Hey, Mom. This is my girlfriend, Kim. KIM Hi, Mrs. Huang. EMERY I'm gonna walk her home, okay? KIM Bye, Mrs. Huang. EVAN Mom. There's a fat kid at school named J.J., and he's hilarious. JESSICA Help Mommy. LOUIS Comic Sans. That's a funny font. MITCH Thank you. LOUIS It's a great résumé. MITCH Yeah, I've always wanted to work at a Golden Saddle. LOUIS This isn't a Golden Saddle. MITCH Yes, it is. Isn't it? LOUIS This is Cattleman's Ranch. MITCH But I thought like a spin-off of Golden Saddle 'cause it's got all the same stuff. LOUIS It's not the same stuff. It's very different stuff. MITCH Well, that bear is the same. LOUIS No, that bear is brown. At Golden Saddle, the bear is black. MITCH The snake skins? LOUIS Different snake. Completely different snake. MITCH Okay, yeah. Look, you're the boss. If you tell me this is not a Golden Saddle, I'm gonna believe you. LOUIS Okay. No, it's completely different. You're crazy. MITCH I am. I'm -- I mean, I'm not super crazy, 'cause it does look exactly the same. LOUIS This is the original Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse. MITCH So there's more than one? LOUIS No, there's just one. There's no other restaurant like it, okay? MITCH Okay. LOUIS Okay. So, Mitch, tell me, where are you from? MITCH Orlando, born and raised. LOUIS I love Orlando. Where else am I gonna see an alligator run out on the street and eat a cat? MITCH I am a cat person, too. LOUIS That's good. MITCH Yeah. LOUIS Mitch, you're hired. JESSICA Well, Evan is not going to school today. His fat friend J.J. gave him string cheese, and apparently, he is lactose intolerant. His body is rejecting white culture, which make me kind of proud. Good job, Evan. EDDIE Mom, no! I don't want Chinese lunch! I want white-people food! JESSICA The kids at school will get used to it! EDDIE Ugh! You're never on my side. EMERY What are you doing? You're not gonna have any lunch to eat. EDDIE I'll be fine. Kids aren't teasing you about your lunch? EMERY No, not yet. EDDIE They will. People here suck. EMERY Totally. BOY Hey, Emery! EMERY Hey, what's up? GEORGE Oh, hey, Emery. You coming to my birthday party next weekend? EMERY Hey, George. I'll be there. KIM Hey, boo. Got you a soda. EDDIE Why aren't chicks bringing me soda? EMERY You want it too much. LOUIS Hey, Mitch. MITCH Hey. LOUIS How's the lunch...crowd? It's still the same? MITCH I just think we have to give it time, you know? Get the word out there. LOUIS No. I moved my whole family here for this. I need your Caucasian features to work now! My wife is not a patient woman. Do you know how many times she tried to start a garden? Have you ever seen a woman yelling at seeds? "Grow! Grow!" MITCH I hear you. You know, my mom is the worst roommate. It's like, if you're making toast, make us both toast. Uh, that's why there's two slots, you know? JESSICA I talked to my sister today. My brother bought a brand-new Miata. LOUIS It's not new. There's no way that car is new. JESSICA I think it's new. LOUIS No. JESSICA New. LOUIS No. It's not new. JESSICA Eddie, why are you eating so much? EDDIE I'm hungry. JESSICA Didn't you eat your lunch today? EDDIE Yeah, but I'm still hungry. JESSICA Oh, okay. How you like the xiaolongbao I pack you? EDDIE It was really good. JESSICA Liar. I did not pack xiaolongbao! EDDIE Okay. Fine. I threw my lunch away. JESSICA I cannot believe you, Eddie! LOUIS Come on, Eddie. That's wasteful, man. JESSICA This is good food I make. You love my food. EDDIE I need white-people lunch. That gets me a seat at the table. And then you get to change the rules. Represent, like Nas says. I'm not trying to eat with the janitor for the rest of my life. I got big plans. First, get a seat at the table. Second, meet Shaq. Third, change the game. Possibly with the help of Shaq. LOUIS Damn it, that was beautiful. That filthy music you listen to turned you into a poet, boy. JESSICA Okay. What is this white-people lunch? JESSICA What is this store so excited about? EDDIE This is where Lunchables live, Mom. JESSICA If we get separated, try and join a white family. You will be safe there until I can find you. EDDIE Whoa. JESSICA This is not how I like to shop. This place look like a hospital. I miss the Taiwanese markets back in D.C. They make me feel so calm. EDDIE Wow. Everything fits perfectly inside the box. Awesome! JESSICA You want to fit inside a box? That's so American. Why are you so American? WOMAN Fiesta tortilla chip? Free sample. JESSICA This is free? Okay! LOUIS How are you doing? Everyone getting ready for the shoot? You good, Nancy? NANCY Can I have Saturday off? I'm deejaying a bat mitzvah. LOUIS Nope. Hey, Joe, no margaritas till after the shoot, okay? Okay. Hey, Mr. Cattleman. How we feeling? We all ready to go? MITCH Uh, not really. I feel like I've told you numerous times. I don't want to do this, but all you do is smile and nod. MITCH No, you're doing it. No, that -- You're doing it. JESSICA What is all this, Louis? LOUIS We are shooting a local commercial. JESSICA A commercial? Why didn't you tell me? How much is this going to cost us?! LOUIS Come here. Come on. JESSICA I miss our family and friends in Washington, D.C. And Eddie's having a hard time at school. And Evan is lactose intolerant. And Emery -- Well, Emery's doing surprisingly well. But all you care about is the stupid restaurant, which is the whole reason I agreed to move here! Because you say it was doing well! It's not doing well! And so I am worried about money. And look at my hair! My hair is terrible! LOUIS Your hair is terrible, but so was mine. And I fixed it using product. JESSICA I love that you have big dreams, but I don't want to lose everything, Louis. Let's just go home. LOUIS We can't do that. JESSICA Why? What's so important we had to move here and change our whole lives? NANCY Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Huang. The burro is ready for blocking. LOUIS Thank you, Nancy. We'll discuss this later. EDDIE Oh, cool. You got turkey and cheese Lunchables? I got pizza. EDDIE Yo, man! What you doing?! WALTER Get used to it. You're the one at the bottom now. EDDIE No, I'm not! WALTER Yeah, you are! It's my turn, Chink! PRINCIPAL HUNTER And according to the lunch monitor, he kicked him in the groinal area, shoved pudding in his face, and unleashed a stream of obscenities I can't repeat because God is listening. There were some words he used that I've never heard before, and I grew up in Boston. This is a very serious offense, Mr. And Mrs. Huang. JESSICA Yes, it is. We are very upset...that you didn't do anything to defend Eddie. PRINCIPAL HUNTER Excuse me? LOUIS That boy called our son a Chink. You think that's okay? Why didn't you do anything about that? JESSICA How come only Eddie's out there?! How come that boy is not also out there?! Where are his parents?! LOUIS Or his 40-year-old best friend? And why aren't we talking about the fact that he has a... LOUIS 40-year-old best friend?! JESSICA 40-year-old best friend?! LOUIS The school's fine with that? JESSICA Fishy. PRINCIPAL HUNTER I don't think you understand. We're talking about possible suspension. JESSICA If you try to suspend our son because of this, we will sue everyone in this school. LOUIS So fast, it'll make your head spin. Hey, it's the American way, right? JESSICA You know about that. LOUIS Oh, I, um, have a coupon for you. JESSICA Oh, yes. LOUIS It's a restaurant called Cattleman's Ranch. JESSICA Special. LOUIS You get a free onion blossom with the purchase of any entrée, but you have to buy a drink. EDDIE W-Why did you stand up for me? JESSICA You do your best not to make waves, but I will never be mad at you for standing up for yourself. LOUIS This is why. JESSICA This is why what? LOUIS This is why we moved here. I'm sorry for what happened to Eddie, but it's going to make him stronger. In fact, us coming to this new place is going to make us all stronger. I came down here, and I opened a Wild West restaurant because this is the Wild West -- a lawless land for only the bravest of families! There is opportunity here to make a better life for our family. I don't want to work for your brother forever. No. Me? I got big dreams. I got big plans. Things were okay for us back in D.C., but I want more than okay for us. EDDIE You're just trying to get a nut, Dad. JESSICA I want more than okay for us, too. I am with you. Nut for me, also. But this is not the West. This is the South. If we want to go west, we should go to California. LOUIS Do you know how expensive California is? This is west for us. This is fine. ADULT EDDIE When you live in a Lunchables world, it's not always easy being homemade Chinese food. But it's also what makes you special. My family was gonna create their place in Orlando, and we're gonna do it our way, because you don't have to pretend to be someone else in order to belong. EDDIE Yeah, son. EDDIE Little bit of respect. ADULT EDDIE Like B.I.G. said, if you don't know, now you know. MITCH Hey, y'all. When my neck gets red 'cause of my white skin is out in the yellow sun, I like to come here to Cattleman's Ranch, where I can get comfortable among people of my own kind, maybe meet my wife or my cousin or my cousin-wife for an onion blossom for only $2.99. Tell 'em I sent you. Who am I? Cattleman Mitch and his pal Eric the donkey. LOUIS I think we really have something here.