ANNOUNCER_1 ANNOUNCER_2 BANKER BIANCA BOBBY BRITTANY BUZZ CANDY CHRIS CHRIS_AND_JACK CLAY CULT_HENCHMEN CULT_LEADER DADDY DENTAL_ASSISTANT DIGITAL_LOCK DIRECTOR DONALD DRE DUMBBELLS_GIRL DUMBBELLS_GIRL_1 DUMBBELLS_GIRL_2 ERWIN EVERYONE FABIO FEMALE_COP FEMALE_REPORTER GAVIN_MALOOF GIZZELL HAROLD IVANA JACK JOE_MALOOF KIDS KIM LITTLE MALE_ELECTRICIAN MANNY MISSY NAOMI NARRATIVE NOT_TOM_CRUISE RACHEL RACHEL_AND_KIDS RASTA_DUDE SORORITY_SISTERS STAFF STERLING TINY TODD VALLEY_GIRLS VALLEY_TWIN_1 VALLEY_TWIN_2 VENUS WAITER CHRIS My coach always told me that in order to achieve success you must visualize your dreams. But, more importantly, you have to believe it. For me, that vision has always been clear. N.B.A. superstar. And married to Kim, the love of my life. If this all sounds farfetched to you, you probably haven’t seen me play. My name is Chris Long. And tonight...I realize my destiny. ANNOUNCER 1 And look at this crowd, Dick! The feeling here is electric. All in anticipation for this epic showdown between L.A. Tech and Rock Falls Pioneers. But the big story here is the heroic play of senior phenom Chris Long. He has literally put this team on his back and carried them into their first Final Four appearance in 23 years. How about that? ANNOUNCER 2 That’s right, Dick. Chris Long has had four – count em – four consecutive Triple Doubles. He shows no sign of stopping! ANNOUNCER 1 He will easily go Top Five in the draft this year. ANNOUNCER 2 Top five?! What the fuck's wrong with you?! How about the top pick! ANNOUNCER 1 How do you spell M.V.P.? ANNOUNCER 1 Chris Long! ANNOUNCER 2 Chris Long! ANNOUNCER 2 Watch out N.B.A.! Here comes Long! CANDY Okay, Kim is a ho fo sho. NAOMI Chris deserves so much better than Kim. CANDY Okay, settle down, girls. CANDY Brittany. It's your turn. Truth or dare? BRITTANY Truth. CANDY Who would you rather fuck? David Beckham, Tom Brady or Chris Long? BRITTANY Uh, duh! Chris Long! ANNOUNCER 1 Won't you listen to this crowd. They love this kid! SORORITY SISTERS Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris! ANNOUNCER 1 Oh! Chris Long goes down hard! CANDY Oh, my god! ANNOUNCER 1 Oh, no, Dick! It looks like his knee. This could be serious. ANNOUNCER 2 This is a crack in the team's armor they do not need right now. ANNOUNCER 1 Ohhh! This hurts just to look at! CHRIS Kimmy-poo? Uhhh... What are you doing? KIM Thought you weren't supposed to be back for another hour. CHRIS What's with the suitcase? KIM Don't be so emotional, Chris! CHRIS I'm, I'm Not being emotional. KIM I don't have time for this. Daddy’s waiting. But everything’s in the note! CHRIS Whoa! Whoa. Kim, slow down. What’s going on? Where are you going? You have three and a half years of college left. This is Your dorm room. KIM You’re an Art major. CHRIS I thought you, you loved my paintings. KIM Yuck. CHRIS Kim, you can’t listen to what coaches and doctors and physical therapists and everyone else at the school says. I’m getting drafted. KIM You're delusional. Wake up! CHRIS Wha–? Kim! Kim! Wait! NARRATIVE “Chris Long drops the ball… Again!” “You’re not in Chris Long Country.” “L.A. tech’s least promising player” “What went wrong for Long” BANKER Loud and clear. All right. Talk to you later. All right, Mr. Long. So... Yeah, over here. Uh, that was my boss, on the phone. Uh, sorry that took so long. It's not just your thing. I've got a sexual harassment suit thing against me. Whatever, you know? Bitches be crazy! You know. Bitches also don't like being called bitches, in the boardroom. So, you live and you learn. Anyway, good news for you. He actually thinks you look like a professional basketball player. CHRIS Awesome. So, does that mean I get the loan? BANKER What?! No. God, no. Not even... . Were you serious about that? No. You, uh, you have no assets to speak of, besides the size of your balls for even asking for that amount of money. In fact, he thinks it's a real estate scam. CHRIS N-n-n-n-no. It's-it's not a scam. BANKER O.K. CHRIS And, um...look. I-I-I Need this loan. O.K.? I... I owe a lot of rent and – BANKER Oh. Well then here, take the money! You know? What do you–? No. It's no. It's no. I don't know where you're from, but this is America. O.K.? And in America, financial institutions work with rules and regulations. You know? It keeps us out of economic des– I mean, actually led to economic destruction. Right now, currently. That's, that's on us. Admittedly, But we've learned. Probably a lot of it was from giving loans to people like you. Let's be honest. I'm just saying. And I don't appreciate the death stare, by the way. So, if you could put that in your pocket as you leave. But look. O.K? Uh, I understand. All right? You're desperate. If I can offer you some advice, if you wouldn't mind. Just one guy to another? O.K.? Um, get the fuck out of my office. MISSY Six A.M., papi! Not ten. VALLEY TWIN 1 Hello? Excuse me? Hello? We need some help here! VALLEY TWIN 2 There are, like, So many membership packages! We, like, don't know what we want. VALLEY TWIN 1 Oh, my god! You look So familiar. VALLEY GIRLS Where do we know him from?! VALLEY TWIN 2 I think it was at the Club last night. Remember? VALLEY TWIN 1 No, he wasn't at the Club. VALLEY TWIN 2 Oh, we saw him at the Market. Remember? He was at the salad bar. VALLEY TWIN 1 No! It wasn't – VALLEY GIRLS Oh my god! No! Wait! You played for L.A. Tech, didn't you?! VALLEY GIRLS O-M-G! You're that basketball guy, right?! CHRIS Can I help you ladies? VALLEY TWIN 1 Wait. So how did you end up in here? VALLEY TWIN 2 Yeah. You work Here now? CHRIS I, like, totally do work here. Isn't that, like, crazy? VALLEY TWIN 1 Are you Mocking us? VALLEY TWIN 2 Gosh. This is the rudest gym we've ever been to. The rudest. VALLEY TWIN 1 You need deodorant! CHRIS Elvira wants her hairdo back! MISSY Excuse me, young ladies! Hi! I’m Missy. Hi, girls! TODD Holy bejeezus, Chris! You really...really gave it to 'em, huh? Bitches, Right? CHRIS Amen, brotha! MISSY Are jou gonna let him speak to our customers like that?! TODD Cust--? They didn’t buy Anything. Did they, did they buy anything? MISSY How are we supposed to get more business with Jou scaring everybody off?! CHRIS Did you really want the Hilton freaks working out here, Missy? MISSY The beetches have money. So, jeah. I don't give a fuck if they wanna snort lines in the sauna. CHRIS Well, thank you for your input. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna get back to some work. MISSY Jou mean staring at that skinny bitch’s Phaze-book page again. Mijo, you need to go out and get laid for Christ sakes. Let a girl play with your dick, for All of our benefits! CHRIS News flash! I make minimum wage. Which makes me as attractive to women as a yeast infection! MISSY Jou're disgusting! CHRIS Jou’re deesgosting! BOBBY What's up, dickspit? Seen the numbers on my YouTube video? I’m up to 104 views. 'Bout to make that sneezing panda my Bitch. CHRIS Bro, you’re getting the floor all wet. BOBBY Gettin' the kitchen all ugly. GIZZELL Hey, Chris. BOBBY Don’t you fuckin' talk to her! CHRIS I’m not even talking to you. BOBBY You gettin' smart with me, man?! I’m an orange belt. I’ll make you my prison bitch! CHRIS Are we done? BOBBY I’m never done, Chris. I got twenty more laps, an hour more worth of legs, and I’m not gonna top until I feel like I’m back in college and there’s a fucking party in the quad! God, I love Mondays! GIZZELL Uh-oh. DRE Ello, Chris. You look a li'le bit down. Maybe I can cheer you up wi' a li'le bi' of a tap dance. CHRIS What are you doing? DRE I have an audition as a British tap dancer. How'd I do? Have you tried that maximum strength antiperspirant? CHRIS Yes. I have tried it! TODD Paycheck time! Ha-ha. What are you guys talking about? Sports? You know, I uh, I've been hit with a few dodge balls back in my time, you know. We should get a Hoop out back, huh? Play a ‘lil b-ball! CHRIS I don’t play basketball anymore, Todd. TODD Why not?! I used to hear about you all the time! Chris Long scores 30! Chris Long's unstoppable! Ha! My Dad said you were the best. He’s excited to know that we’re on the same team now. JACK Pardon me... CHRIS Jack Guy. Is that even a real name? BOBBY Stop being a little bitch. Todd said not all of us are gonna get fired. MISSY As in some of us are getting fired? BOBBY Like JACK Big changes are coming, Todd. It’s going to be awesome! Oh, can you change the lock on that. I got to head to Starbucks for a green tea latte. I’ll be back in twenty-ish. All right? JACK Ah, Schmitty! What the hell is going on? You hit that club last night? I heard it was hoppin'! FEMALE COP Oh yeah, your world is about to get fucked up, Lil Weezy. RASTA DUDE Whoa! OW! Watch the dreads. Watch the dreads! CHRIS Todd...? TODD What's up? MISSY You tell us, motherfucker! We have a new owner? What about your Dad? TODD He, uh, said he was tired of losing money on a business just to keep me employed. And he wishes he would have “strapped up” 30 years ago. MISSY Well, we can’t be fired. In this freaking economy no one is hiring! And I know, because I’ve tried to find extra work! CHRIS Oo-kay, calm down. Nobody’s getting fired. CHRIS Uh, Todd, who is this Jack Guy guy, anyway? IVANA Uh! IVANA You stinky pigs! Do realize you have a business, unattended, outside? Anybody care? And your gross sewage pipes are leaking stank into my salon. CHRIS Meh-meh-meh, mehmeh- meh-meh, meh-meh-mehmeh. That’s all I heard. IVANA Take the dicks out of your ears, genius. Okay? Because, Todd, I told you last week. I told you the week before that – MISSY And you told him the week before that, too. Beetch! IVANA “Beetch”? Really? Okay. People love the beach. IVANA Welcome to America. Bitch. MISSY Oh, really? IVANA Ironic coming from the girl that looks like a chihuahua. Ayay- ay! MISSY Like a chihuahua? IVANA What is this? West Side Story? MISSY You guys aren’t gonna do nothing?! You’re gonna stand there? Oh– IVANA Did you guys choreograph this? Well, if you put this much effort into your goddamn gym, it wouldn’t suck so fucking bad! IVANA All right?! Yeah. Peace out, motherfuckers. Smell that. It’s much better. BOBBY Did you know he currently holds the title “World’s First Ever Male Supermodel”? BOBBY He’s dated Kate Beckinsale, Cameron Diaz, and he’s currently married to Adriana Lima. CHRIS The Victoria's Secret supermodel? BOBBY I bet even his dick has a six pack. And he’s an All-Ivy League quarterback for Yale. Record breaker. Twenty-eight touchdowns...in one game. CHRIS How do you know all this? BOBBY I Google, Phaze-book, MySpace, Wikipedia, and Twittered him Plus he told me. Holy Sherlock. BOBBY Check her out, Holmes. CHRIS Whoa. BOBBY Look at that slippery fuck toy. BOBBY Uh, yeah, what I would do to her would be illegal in most states. CHRIS Ohh, shit. BOBBY Mr. Guy’s got moves! CHRIS You mean Gay Namath? Bet I can tell you exactly what he’s saying. CHRIS Hi, I’m Jack. Jack Guy. My dimples could cure cancer. I’m a supermodel and I throw footballs really far. CHRIS Oh, my god! Your name's So cool and your wallet is So big. CHRIS I promise, if you treat me like shit, I’ll love you forever. Eh-heh, eh-heh, ehheh. BOBBY Missy’s right, dude. You need therapy. CHRIS Bro, you wear a Speedo. MISSY Did you guys hear the good news?! We’re gonna be on TV! BOBBY Yes! I have been training three years for Ninja Warrior! Out of the way. I’m doing legs. JACK It'll be like The Office, except we’re in a gym. So those are the basics of the reality show. JACK The less you know the better. JACK I want to be clear on one thing. We are a team. We have No favorites. JACK Everyone will get plenty of screen time. JACK Ahh! JACK And I’d like the world to get to know each and everyone of you. Because I sense greatness in this room. CHRIS Um, I have a question. Uh, what if we don’t Want our lives on display? JACK Ha-ha-ha . Everybody loves the limelight! And the best part about this? This is only the Beginning of “The Dumbbells Experience.” Ahhh. DRE Dumbbells? JACK That's our new name. “Dumbbells 25/8.” MISSY Twentyfive eight? JACK Exactly! Because 24/7 is for pussies. We’re Dumbbells All the time! CHRIS Speak for yourself. MISSY So does that mean we get extra hours!? JACK Negativo. Operating hours will remain the same. CHRIS So then how can we be called “25/8”? JACK Perception … is reality. CHRIS “Dumbbells 25/8”? But we’re still open from six to nine. Wow. JACK Actually, Cliff, in today’s economy reality shows have proven to be a viable mechanism to increase business profits by as much as 300 percent. BOBBY Uh, like Sunset Tan! JACK Precisely, Bobby. MISSY Three hundred percent? JACK And speaking of percentages, I’m gonna need everybody to give that little bit extra. JACK So if you’ve been at 100, I need you at 150. JACK And if you’ve been at 10 percent ...I suggest a complete attitude adjustment. CHRIS “Attitude adjustment”?! CHRIS Ten fucking percent?! MISSY Okay, so, now “Mr. Hollywood” says we won’t get any extra pay or benefits for being on the show. And he wants us to sign some bullshit contract. DRE Contract? Don’t sign no contract. DRE My nut sack! CHRIS I quit! I am fucking done! CHRIS I would rather deliver pizza for Domino’s than work for Captain Fuckwad! CHRIS Movitez! JACK So after college, I thought about going pro, but I had so many modeling offers I figured why risk -- JACK Cliff. Can I help you? CHRIS Actually, it’s, it's Chris. Ha! CHRIS He’s, uh, he's good looking, huh? CHRIS If you like that cheesy, washedup daytime television soap opera star look. CHRIS Too bad he’s-he's also married. RACHEL I know. TODD Hey, Jack, can I get your help out back? TODD There’s shit everywhere. RACHEL Oh! TODD Oh, hey! I’m Todd. RACHEL Uh, Hi. I’m Jack’s niece, Rachel. TODD Oh. Nice to meet you. RACHEL Mm-hm. JACK Chris? My office, 10 minutes sharp. JACK Todd, move! Oh, my god, you reek! CHRIS Jack? JACK Yeah? CHRIS Wanted to see me? JACK Yes. Come on in. CHRIS Uh, I can come back. JACK No. No, take a seat. CHRIS Are you sure? JACK Yeah. Sit down. JACK We need to talk. JACK First and foremost, I've got two troubling words for you. CHRIS Jack... JACK Cock block. CHRIS I'm sorry...? JACK Cock Block. CHRIS So you Were hitting on your niece? JACK It’s a metaphor. This show is like my fat, pulsating cock. JACK And nobody’s gonna block it! JACK And, Mr. Smart Alec...you didn’t know she was my niece. CHRIS Jack, but – JACK But nothing, Tall Guy! JACK Todd told me you were some sort of hotshot hoop star back in the day. That’s great. I was an athlete, too. But I guess your coach didn’t teach about a little thing known as “teamwork.” CHRIS Jack – JACK You go outside right now and you ask ten people, even girls, if they like a cock block. And you’re gonna get? Ten Nos. CHRIS Jack – RACHEL I just wanted to say bye. JACK Rach! RACHEL Six AM? JACK Six AM. Sharp. RACHEL Wow. Cool fish! JACK You like it? RACHEL Yeah! JACK Take it! It's yours. RACHEL What?! Really?! JACK Yeah, well, I think it was Todd's. It's just gonna be thrown out. Consider it to be my gift to you for helping out on the show. RACHEL Thanks. Wow, cool. JACK So I’ll see ya bright and early, O.K.? RACHEL Yeah. JACK All right. CHRIS Jack – JACK Chris. JACK Let me make it REALLY simple for you. O.K., buddy? Either you’re a Cock Block... JACK ...or a Dumbbell. JACK You need to choose. CHRIS Jesus...ugh. TINY Hey. I'm a movie star! TINY Hey, Momma! Hey. JACK Heyyy, look who's here! JACK Good morning, Dumbbell. JACK So, check out the new uni's. Not bad, huh? You got here three minutes late, so you get the sleeves. JACK What do you think? CHRIS You don’t waste any time. JACK Yep...dreams do come true. JACK Hey...I’m glad you didn’t pull a LeBron on us, teammate. CHRIS That’s me. Go team. JACK Come on, let’s do this. Day one of the rest of your life! CHRIS Small? Thank you, Jack Guy. CHRIS Really?! CHRIS Come on! Who sweats this much? CHRIS What sweating problem? TINY Ahhh, Feels so good to work out high. BOBBY What's up, Enrique In-gay-sias? What are you doing at the gym during Serious Training Hour? CHRIS We’re filming a show, right? BOBBY Since when do you want to film the show? CHRIS Bobby, leave me alone. BOBBY Ohhh. I got it. CHRIS What are you “Oooh, I getting it” about? BOBBY You want to finger Jack’s niece under a blanket. RACHEL So I guess you made up with my uncle? RACHEL Hi. CHRIS Wow! CHRIS You...you look...fit. BOBBY Okay, this is awkward. Great compliment . RACHEL So, you’re The Chris Long. You didn’t think I’d figure it out, did ya? CHRIS I didn’t really take You for the basketball fan. RACHEL Wait. Basketball? No, I was...I was referring to the fish. CHRIS Fish... RACHEL It was signed “Chris Long”? CHRIS The painting. Right! Yes. Duh! CHRIS Wow, I’m, I'm impressed. I can’t believe you were able to read my signature. Most people tell me it just looks like a “C” with a star. JACK Good morning, everyone! Welcome to the Dumbbells experience. JACK But first, I’d like us all to give a big, warm Dumbbells welcome to our very own Dumbells girls JACK And I’d also like us to give a big hand to our very acclaimed director, famous for his awardwinning short “I think it’s H.P.V.” Mr. Sterling Le Bouf Jones! STERLING Bravo! Bravo. JACK So now we’re gonna do a little Broll. JACK So, please, do me a fav. Just pair up...workout...and most importantly, just mingle. JACK Pretend like we’re not even here. JACK Remember, it’s all about lookin' hot. So DON’T sweat. STERLING JACK All right. Dumbbells Team out. Let’s do this! RACHEL So we’re partners, right? CHRIS Yes. Yes. Yes, we are. RACHEL Yeah, sorry. TODD Ah, it’s cool. Yeah. RACHEL I went to law school for a few years. And then I thought to myself... RACHEL ...Why the hell am I doing this? I hate this! RACHEL So I quit. But I discovered what I loved, which was psychotherapy. RACHEL Yep. RACHEL I’m gonna be a therapist. CHRIS Really? RACHEL Yeah, really. Why? You sound surprised. CHRIS No, it’s just funny because people are always telling me I need therapy. Everyday, “You need therapy!” JACK Great stuff! Keep going! I love the honesty. CHRIS Physical therapy, I mean CHRIS Uh, and that is why I work out here. DUMBBELLS GIRL 2 Let’s go Dumbbells! DUMBBELLS GIRL 1 Woo! MISSY Can you believe this shit? DRE Yeah, it’s a total exploitation of women. MISSY I’m talking about Chris. DRE Ohhh. MISSY He’s actually talking to her as if she’s a person. RACHEL What I want to know is other than Adorable fish, what else do you paint? CHRIS Um...I, uh, I don’t really paint that much anymore. RACHEL Well you’re good! You should keep at it. DUMBBELLS GIRL Are you drinking soda? BOBBY Are you out of your fucking mind?! I don't put that shit in my body. BOBBY I’m downing some C.O.C. Cellular Oxygen Creatine. A liquid formula that triples my amino acid circulation while quadrupling my recovery time by five. BOBBY Plus, it tastes like cherries. JACK Woo-hoo! Are we ready for the exciting part of the show?! JACK In a few minutes, we’ll begin the athletic competitions to determine the King of the Gym. BOBBY Yes, yes I’m fucking stoked! JACK But first...I am very proud to introduce our very own celebrity host. JACK Drum roll please! JACK With great pleasure, I would like to introduce the one, the only, the fabulous... JACK ...Fabio! FABIO What? FABIO Eric, listen... FABIO ...I told you many time, I don’t want to do that reality T.V show with the Kardashian. Beside, the only good reality T.V they make is when they make porn. JACK You know what, Chris? This, this is only the beginning. JACK You're gettin' in on the ground floor. JACK My goal is to be the Coca Cola of the film industry. JACK What? JACK But there, there’s not too much pink. The lights look great! What are you talking about? JACK Don't tell me it's not artistic! JACK I've got a show to run! RACHEL You ready, big guy? DRE Yeah. RACHEL Hey, listen. Uh, don’t feel like have to do this. All right? 'Cause I know my uncle can be a bit overzealous. CHRIS Wow. Wow. I appreciate that, but I think I can handle a little reality show competition. RACHEL You know, Sigmund Freud said that, “The ego is not the master in its own house.” CHRIS I thought he said, “The rhythm is gonna get ya.” RACHEL Just be careful. All right? CHRIS Did she just imply that I have an ego? DRE Little bit. FABIO Okay, guys! Let’s have a good time. Let’s have some fun. But most importantly, JACK We can't Do that! It’s television! The girls have to wear underwear. Are you crazy?! FABIO A - E - I - O - U! JACK You ready, Fabs? FABIO Oh, yeah. Just give me a minute. Fuck you, Seacrest. It’s Fabio's time time. Oh! Hello, America. Fabio, here. Welcome to Dumbbell 25/8. Let’s meet our first contestant. One is a wannabe actor. The other one, a washed-up hoop star. They must remain in their position, known as the “breakdown stance.” Do not stop. Do not stand up. Ready...and Go! KIM You’re an Art major. KIM Don’t be so emotional! KIM You’re a fucking loser! KIM You're delusional. Wake up! FABIO And the winner is...Dre Lincoln! FABIO Chris! you pussy. DRE You all right? RACHEL Fabio's kind of a dick, huh? RACHEL Look, don’t beat yourself up. I thought you did great in there. CHRIS Right. RACHEL Look at the bright side. You have a bad knee, yet you still competed. RACHEL So what did you do? Did you try rehabilitating it? CHRIS I did. I had some of the best physical therapists there were, actually. And I was making really good progress. The Miami Heat even invited me to their summer league. RACHEL Wow. That’s amazing! CHRIS It was. It really was. Until...dinosaur-looking Chris Bosh stepped on my left ankle and made me fall on my face in front of Pat Riley and the whole coaching staff. They cut me the next day. The truth is, I was never better than...50 percent after my injury. RACHEL Strange how life takes us in directions we least expect, huh? CHRIS Tell me about it. Okay... Bullseye. Here we go. RACHEL Did Chris Bosh step on your hand, too? CHRIS Oh, wow! Someone is Hilarious, huh? RACHEL I try! IVANA Hey! Turd face! Some icky blonde tramp just Threw up in front of my salon, and we can hear your music Blasting! CHRIS Ivana... RACHEL You know what? I’m, um, I'm gonna go. IVANA Hello!? CHRIS You're leaving? RACHEL Yeah. I just, I have some schoolwork that I have to do. IVANA You know what?! You can talk to your girlfriend Later. Okay? CHRIS Ivana, listen. Okay?! I know when you were a little brat your dad gave you all the puppies and ponies you wanted. But in the adult world, You can take a time-fucking-out! IVANA You know what?! Time-fuckingin, mister! Okay?! Because it wasn’t a pony, it was a Stallion. his name was Prancer and he was Perfect! And now he’s dead, so Fuck you! Hmh! CHRIS Great. Hello? KIM Hey, Chris! It’s Kimmy. Miss me? Of course, you do. Oh my god, Daddy and I just got back from St. Tropez. You would not believe it! I am So tan. But, like, perfect, not too tan. 'Cause that’s gross. It’s like The best color ever. Chris, I know my call came out of the blu. But I've truly missed you and I want us to be happie again like we were back in collegde. And the job was Daddy’s idea. 75K to start... I know you’ll luv doing real estate with my Daddy, pleeze call me back... xoxoxo <3 Your Kimmy Poo JACK Bu-bu-bah, shuby-bah – CHRIS Jack! JACK Chris! What are you still doin' here? CHRIS Uh, I was just using the Internet. I didn’t realize anyone was still here. JACK You don’t have Internet at home? CHRIS Well, I kind of haven’t paid the bill in, like, seven months. So, no. JACK Ahhh. Money problems, huh? Well, you know what they say, “mo money, mo problems!” CHRIS Yeah? What do they say about No money? JACK Excuse me. JACK Hello! Maria, how are you? JACK Please take a case of Dos Equis out the garage. JACK Fantastic. Harrison Ford and some of my friends are coming over this weekend. JACK Yes, Han Solo. JACK Many thanks, Maria. Good night, bye bye. CHRIS So you speak Spanish. What a surprise. JACK Well...I did used to date Sofia Vergara. I guess you could say it comes with the package. CHRIS Fuck you. Seriously. I mean, what are you even doing here still? Shouldn’t you be at home, spooning with your Victoria’s Secret supermodel wife? JACK Let me tell you something about me, Chris. When I start filmin' somethin', I never leave base camp. JACK It’s 25/8, baby. CHRIS Could you put a towel on?! JACK You're not a locker room guy, huh? CHRIS More like not a “cock in my Face” guy! JACK You all right? CHRIS Yep. I'm Fine. JACK You don’t sound fine. JACK I know that look. What’s her name? CHRIS Jack. JACK Come on, spill the beans. You remind me of my friend Tontu. CHRIS Tontu? JACK Tontu-Tantu Tuntukinko. My native American friend. JACK He was the chef at the local diner at the reservation where I was doing my sweat lodges with the Bee Gees. JACK Let me tell you, Nobody could poach an egg like Tontu. JACK And he used to say that he was fine. But he wasn’t. I could see it all over his Indian face. And I see that same look... JACK ...in your face, right now, Chris. CHRIS Can you stop?! just stop. JACK Okay. I know what to do. JACK Get comfortable, buddy. CHRIS What are you doing? JACK Bro...therapy saved my life. CHRIS O.K. And how does that apply to me? CHRIS I don’t need therapy. What is With you people?! CHRIS She said that she Loved me. And she didn’t love me. She left. She didn’t even say goodbye. She left a Note. It wasn’t even grammatically correct! CHRIS And then I say, “Guess what, Kim, I don’t wanna play in the Nba anyway, you materialistic fuck! Why don’t you go! CHRIS I guess what bothers me the most is obsessively pondering over what I could have been, my true potential. N.B.A star, happily married to Kim...or anything other than what I am now. JACK Chris, sometimes we need to lose everything that we think we want in order to discover who it is that we really are. CHRIS That’s deep. JACK It’s a magnet on my refrigerator. CHRIS Seventy-five thousand dollars. Starting salary. JACK Sounds like a fucking bitch. CHRIS I just...I don’t Get her. Why now? I mean, where’s she been? And Why do I still give a shit? JACK Don’t beat yourself up, pal. JACK Every woman's got a vagenda. JACK The question is whether it’s the right one for you. CHRIS Did you say “vagenda”? JACK That injury was the best thing that could ever happen to you. JACK That injury saved your life. JACK Do you really think the two of you could’ve ever been happy together? CHRIS Yes...no. CHRIS You know what? You’re right again. I don’t, I don't need her. And I Don’t need her Daddy’s money. And... CHRIS ...I’ve got things goin' on in my life. I’ve got, I’ve got Jack Guy. CHRIS I’ve got Dumbbells 25/8, right? JACK That's right, brother! JACK Ahhh...whew. CHRIS You know what? I feel good right now. I’m feel...clear. I feel...one with the universe or something. I-I feel, I feel taller! I feel Light. JACK Everybody should try therapy at least once! CHRIS It’s not like people haven’t tried to tell me that. Especially Missy. CHRIS Did you know that Missy and Dre take a two hour bus ride to get here every day? CHRIS From downtown! JACK Really?! CHRIS I feel like I’ve been a, a jerk to those guys. CHRIS I feel like...I want to do something nice for them. JACK Well, we could start by brightening their day MISSY Hey, dumbass. Did you forget to lock the door last night? DRE I was a little tipsy – wait. Do you hear music? CHRIS Good morning! JACK Good morning! CHRIS First I'd like to say that I think you’re both equally amazing. CHRIS And I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart for being an A-hole. And I appreciate both of you. CHRIS You see, Missy, you are like my rock. You’re my foundation that keeps me sturdy. CHRIS And Dre, you’re like the rainbow that shines above those rocks. And not like a gay rainbow but a masculine rainbow, with muted colors. MISSY Who are jou and what have you done with Chrees? JACK Heyyy! There he is! Day two, baby! JACK Man, nice wheels. JACK Something wrong? FABIO Yeah, you know what’s wrong. You’re check bounced, you asshole. JACK What?! There must be some mistake. I mean, come on, Fabs, you know I’m good for it. FABIO Listen, don’t call me Fab. It’s Fab-io. JACK Fab, Fabio. FABIO Eee-o. JACK E-o? FABIO Ee-o. Ee-o, you idiot! JACK Fabio! Well, let’s go inside. Everyone’s waiting. FABIO You screwed me over, and you know what? Nobody fucks with the Fab. JACK I’ve got plenty of money in that account! Fabiiooo! JACK Damn it! JACK Nooooo! Noooo! CHRIS Let’s just say the man has a vision. Big changes are coming. CHRIS There’s the genius! JACK Saul, where are you? I’ve got a big problem. Call me back. CHRIS What, uh, what’s wrong? JACK Fabio...quit. CHRIS Let me guess. There was too much dialogue for him. Why-why-why did he quit? JACK Because he’s a dick...and the check I wrote him bounced. CHRIS Oh. JACK I called my money manager, Saul. But what it means is, you know, I gotta send everybody home and still pay for 'em. CHRIS All right. Well, we’ll find a new host, right? JACK Chris, I just can’t, like, go on the Internet to Celebrity Host Dot Com and push a button. It’s not that easy! Not to mention, I’ve got the cast and crew here for two days. That’s it. CHRIS Well, let’s take a time out and think about this. All right? CHRIS We need a host, we need a host. We need someone charming...uh, someone personable, someone who’s Not a dick. Um...! CHRIS Duh! Jack Guy! CHRIS You’ve done a million modeling campaigns. You’ve traveled the world. You’ve always been in front of the camera. You should host the show. JACK Well, I...did guest star on a soap once. CHRIS That’s what I’m talking about Baby!! CHRIS Look out this window, all right?! CHRIS This is your vision, buddy. TINY We're all looking through the point of view of our own reality tunnel. And every reality tunnel's different. LITTLE You know Wikipedia says that Fabio’s protein is better than water? IVANA Yuck! What the--? IVANA Mmmm...ahhhh ayaaah! GIZZELL What’s going on? Why is Jack getting concealer applied? His skin is perfect. MISSY Fabio quit, Jack’s the host, and Chrees is a fucking alien. JACK You ready to roll, Sterling? TODD Jack? JACK Odd Todd, what's up? TODD I was, uh, uploading – trying to upload yesterday’s footage to your Mac like you told me. But, um, for some reason it doesn’t look like the footage actually recorded. JACK What? Sterling, just hold on for a second. What do you mean it didn’t record? How can that be? Did you know about this? Does anyone here speak idiot?! Fuck it! All right? You know what? You need something done right, you gotta do it yourself! All right. Just roll, Sterling. Let’s do this. ERWIN Are you the owner of this establishment? JACK I am. ERWIN I’m with the Department of Health. And pardon the pun: You need to get your shit together! Have a nice day. STERLING Action! JACK Hello, America. TINY Why’s it so fun being a dick? LITTLE Wouldn’t wanna be a pussy. MALE ELECTRICIAN Sterling, we’re losing power! JACK Um... JACK I can’t work like this! JACK Everything’s okay. It’s just a coincidence that all my checks are bouncing. RACHEL Uncle Jack? JACK Saul’s hard to get a hold of. He travels a lot. RACHEL Are you okay? JACK Just having a few communication issues. RACHEL You know what I just thought of? Why don’t you call Adriana? She would make a perfect host. RACHEL Problem solved! Yeahhh. CHRIS Great idea! Yeah, Adriana. JACK Adriana left me five months ago. RACHEL Oh. RACHEL Is this Arcturian related? CHRIS Arcturian? RACHEL He was in a cult for 20 years. CHRIS What? Like Catholicism? No. They worshiped a star called Arcturus. CHRIS Ohhh. RACHEL But he escaped! RACHEL Look at that! See, things are already looking brighter. FEMALE REPORTER And there he goes, folks. Money manager, Saul Rosenblatzsteinberg, is being Indicted on accusations of running a Ponzi scheme involving some of Hollywood’s biggest names many of whom are linked to the alleged cult know as Arcturian Lifestyles, which was first exposed by famous model and former member, Jack Guy, who is also a victim in this tragic turn of events. Man, did he royally fuck those people. Back to you in the studio, Bob. CHRIS Jack, are you O.K.? JACK These electronic toothbrushes are amazing. I haven’t had a cavity in over ten years, you know that? CHRIS Jack. Sit with me. Talk to me. JACK What's up? Something wrong? CHRIS You tell me...Tontu. JACK Adriana never loved me. She Said she did, but she didn’t. JACK She went away on a photo shoot, she never even came back. She fell in love with some German photographer with a ponytail. Dirk. Dirk the jerk! JACK i didn’t “join” the cult, mother! no one joins a cult! i was brainwashed! i mean, my god! they told me i was saving the world. JACK they said sign here, you’ll help save the world. i signed! w?w?what would you do?! And to answer your question: Yes! Yesss! I did think the spaceships were coming! JACK I guess what bothers me the most is that no one ever seems to take me seriously. Even in the cult my nickname was Dipshit. I remember the day I escaped. February 2nd, Groundhog Day. I was running buck naked through the forest, with nothing but a squirrel pelt and my dignity to keep me warm. But I got away. That was the first day that I really questioned my decision to change my name to Jack Guy. CHRIS What’s your real name? JACK Phil Weinerman. CHRIS Wait a second. What should I call you? Jack? Or Phil? JACK I don’t know. Actually, I was thinking of changing my name again. I always liked the name Jim. CHRIS Considering that you want to be taken seriously, and you own a fitness club now, “Jim Guy” might not be the best option. I’m just saying. There you go. RACHEL Ahhh. Listen, I just wanted to thank you again for helping my uncle through this. CHRIS Ach. RACHEL I know he can be a bit...eccentric. CHRIS Oh, no, no. It’s fine. It’s my pleasure. RACHEL Well, you're sweet. CHRIS You’re sweet, too. RACHEL Well..till next time CHRIS Cool Vespa. RACHEL You know what? RACHEL On Saturdays, um, we take the underprivileged kids that I work with to the park to get some outdoor activity. I was thinking...maybe you could come by and show 'em some basketball moves or something. CHRIS Yeah! That sounds awesome. RACHEL Cool. So, um, Pan Pacific Park? 1:00 P.M. CHRIS Pan Pacific Park, 1:00 P.M. RACHEL Bye! JACK Once again, I’m, uh, I'm really, really sorry. Due to my current financial situation and the failure of the reality show, uh, why doesn’t everyone just take the rest of the week off. We’ll plan to reconvene on Monday. JACK But, uh, in light of everything that’s happened, unless some sort of miracle occurs...I strongly encourage everyone to explore other employment opportunities. MISSY Three days of working here, you get us shut down?! RACHEL You’re early! CHRIS It’s been awhile. I figured I could use the practice. CHRIS Go! CHRIS Play some basketball! CHRIS All right, guys, back up. We’re gonna work on defense, okay? Come on let’s see what you got! CHRIS Go get him! Get in his face. Defense. Defense! CHRIS Go for the shot. Good defense, better offense. CHRIS Let's get two more. CHRIS All right... KIDS Me! Me! CHRIS Ohhh...ahhhh! CHRIS You gotta shuffle your feet! Faster, faster! Slow it down. CHRIS That’s how you do it, guys. You gotta get down. CHRIS Like this. Like that. CHRIS Your turn. CHRIS Let's go, Rach-! Ohhhhh KIDS Ohhhh! CHRIS Good try! Ohhhh! CHRIS Wowwww! CHRIS You got it! CHRIS Nice job. Go, Manny... Mannyyy! CHRIS Oh, come on! That’s not fair! CHRIS Hey there. RACHEL Wow...aren’t you amazing with the kids. Who knew? CHRIS Thank you. Now that brings us to a little bit of a surprise that I have for you. RACHEL What?! CHRIS Ta-dah! I figured we’d have to eat, right? Check it out. CHRIS Peach and raspberry, cobbler pie. RACHEL Wow...um, Chris... RACHEL I... CHRIS Hey, Manny. What’s up, buddy? MANNY If you’re such a Superstar player, how come you can’t dunk? CHRIS Kid's, right. Well, uh, Manny, as you can see I don’t exactly have the best knee anymore, so... MANNY I still don’t think you can. CHRIS Well, actually, used to be able to dunk pretty well back in the day, so... MANNY Then prove it! CHRIS Are you bullying me? MANNY I got ten baseball cards that says you can’t! KIDS Ooooh. RACHEL All right, O.K. Manny, why don’t we stop bugging Chris and thank him for coming out today. MANNY I guess, since his Girlfriend’s rescuing him! I’ll leave him alone. MANNY Especially since he’s Chicken. Ba-gawk! Buk-buk-buk-buk, bagawk- gawk! KIDS Ooooh. RACHEL Manny! CHRIS No, Rachel. It’s totally cool. CHRIS Ten baseball cards, huh? RACHEL Listen, you do Not have to do this. CHRIS Think I do. CHRIS Dotted line, Manny. RACHEL AND KIDS Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris... CHRIS Please, God, don’t make me look stupid in front of Rachel and all these kids. RACHEL AND KIDS Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris... CLAY Guess who! CLAY Hey, baby, huh? I got back early! CLAY Mwah! Look at you! RACHEL Chris! Chris, wait up! RACHEL Chris. CHRIS Yeah? Wh-what's up? RACHEL I’m sorry. Look, I meant to tell you, but-- CHRIS Don’t be silly. Look, it’s totally cool. I just, um...I, uh...what time is it? I promised a friend that I would, uh, help him move today. I gotta, gotta get to Ikea. RACHEL Chris... CHRIS Rachel, I get it. You’re engaged. I mean, he seems like a really nice guy. Successful. Uh, what is that? Armani? RACHEL Chris. CHRIS I just came to help you with the kids, right? CLAY Babe, you ready? It was nice meeting ya, Cliff. CHRIS Yeah, you, too. It was a great surprise. CLAY Thanks for helping her out with all those kids. They can be, you know, semen demons. Ha-ha-haha- ha. Which one's your whip, by the way? BANKER Yes, for sure. Okay. Wow. What an angry little Asian man. Uh, O.K. Well, Mr. Guy is it? Is it Guy? Gee? JACK Guy. BANKER Guy! All right. BANKER You don’t look French, but I thought, you know, give it a shot. If you were, I would kick you out immediately. Listen, that was my boss, and he actually saw you coming in. And, uh, congrats he thinks you look like a movie star. BANKER An action hero, actually. Ga-gaga- ga-ga! Boofff! “Nooo! Daddy, I love you!” Good stuff. JACK That mean I have the loan? BANKER No! Oh, god no. The loan? No, that’s... No, you’re no even close to getting a loan. Uh, you have no assets to speak of. It’s kind of embarrassing, actually, a man of your age. But...um, no, there’s-there's not a lot we can do for you. In fact, you owe a ton of people a ton of money. So let’s hope they're not Italian. JACK I-I don’t think you understand. I-I Really need this loan. I-- BANKER Really need it? I didn’t know that, I didn't. BANKER Hey, Charlie! Yeah, we got a guy in here who Really needs a loan. Yeah! BANKER Rea-- . Charlie’s gone. Charlie actually was fired three weeks ago. I think that office is actually empty. But let’s be honest. Look in the mirror. Y-you, you know, you were turned down before you even left your apartment. And I said “apartment” because there is no way that you have a house, right? That’s been taken away, so... Now, this is, uh, this is an unfortunate incident in that you actually got into my office. And, um...and I feel – I don’t know – I am feeling something, but...I think I’m just hungry. HAROLD Hey, Chris. Smells good in here, man. Uh, look, I really like you. You know that. You’re a nice guy. I wanted to tell you this in person. All right? Look, you’re evicted, man. CHRIS What?! HAROLD Yeah...it hurts me, bro. I’m sorry. Listen, are you cookin' in here? Smells -- CHRIS Harold... HAROLD Listen, they’re towing your car downstairs. By, like, four black guys. CHRIS Great. HAROLD It’s crazy. CHRIS Awesome. Thank you. HAROLD Wait a sec. Have you, uh, have you been workin' out? You look nice, man. Real good. Incline? CHRIS What?! HAROLD Can I borrow your Titanic D.V.D.? CHRIS No! You still owe me Sleepless in Seattle! HAROLD I’ll get it to you. You like chicks, right? I-- CHRIS Yeah! CHRIS Great! CHRIS Keep the damn D.V.D, Harold! CHRIS Harold, I-- KIM Surprise! CHRIS Kim? What are you --? Wha--? CHRIS What are you Doing here? KIM What do you mean what am I doing here?! I’ve come back to you. CHRIS Kim...uh, you should go. KIM Why? KIM Chrissypoo... KIM I know that you think I wasn’t very nice to you in the past. But we were kids then. KIM We’re not kids anymore. CHRIS Okay, that, that tickles. KIM By the way, Daddy says you can start at a hundred. CHRIS Hundred thousand dollars? KIM Uh-huh. CHRIS Ugh, O.K., Kim. Kim. Kim! I need to know why now? KIM Why not now? I’m horny. CHRIS No! Kim, why now all of a sudden do you want to be with me? KIM Ugh! Chris! I’ve always loved you. And when you got hurt, I was scared. I didn’t know what to do. It was hard for me -- KIM It was really hard. Shhh! CHRIS You were scared?! I was the -- KIM I had my walls up, and now they are Way down. KIM Ugggh! Oh, there's my Big boy! CHRIS Ahh...O.K. Ow! CHRIS Ugh, there he is. O.K. Um, Kim. All right, stop. Stop! Kim. Kim! CHRIS I need to ask you: have ever apologized to anybody for anything, in your entire life?! KIM Ew! CHRIS So this is my eighth voice mail now. Uh, Jack, no one has heard from you. I’m starting to get concerned. Where are you? Call me back. CHRIS Jack? CHRIS Jack? CHRIS I have a weapon and i will fuck you up, man! JACK I have a weapon and i will fuck you up more! CHRIS Jack? JACK Chris? CHRIS Jesus... CHRIS holy cow, what happened to your hair?! JACK Moron, it was them! CHRIS Supercuts? JACK Turn the lights off! Get down! CHRIS Why? JACK Were you followed? CHRIS I don't...know? JACK Did you talk to anyone?! CHRIS My grandmother. CHRIS What are, what are you doing? JACK Let me see your teeth. CHRIS Why are you touching me? Stop touching me...don't touch me! Ow. Ow! Jack! JACK I’m trying to help you. Let me...see your teeth. JACK Say “Ah!” CHRIS Ah. JACK Say, say “Ah!” Much better. CHRIS ah, ahhh! CHRIS ah-ahh! JACK O.K. You're clean. CHRIS what the hell?! JACK Listen... I know this all seems crazy. JACK But remember my money manager Saul Rosenblatzsteinberg? The guy who got arrested for the Ponzi scheme? JACK Well, years ago I introduced Saul to the cult. So this weekend the damn cult kidnapped me, because Saul stole over three million dollars from them. They thought I was in on it. CULT LEADER You have forsaken us all again! JACK I’m so sorry, Benevolent Leader. JACK I didn’t know Saul was a crook. JACK He took Me for everything. And you bastards still owe Me six million. CULT LEADER Silence! Nobody's gonna take you seriously, Phil. Ever! You are a total fuck up! We tire of your resistance and your incompetence. The End of Days is upon us! The spaceships are coming and you shall learn your lesson! JACK no! no! not the hair! anything but the hair! noooo! JACK It’s probably for the best that I forget about the gym for a while. I got to deal with these assholes. JACK Chris. I’m sorry I couldn’t turn things around. DADDY Two hearts becoming one. My beautiful Kimmy, and Chris. Salud! CHRIS Cheers, sir. KIM Mm...oh. Chris...guess what. Daddy’s getting us a condo. It is So beautiful. I’ve seen pictures. And there’s an extra bedroom so that we can convert into a closet for me! DADDY Nothing is too good for my princess. Is it, princess?! KIM No! DADDY Look at her, Chris. Isn’t she a princess? CHRIS She is definitely a princess. KIM I am a princess! WAITER Here we are, princess. Fat-free, sugar-free, gluten-free, vegan lettuce cups minus the rice and the oil. Which I’m sure is much tastier than the chef always makes it. DADDY Jeffrey... WAITER Thank you so much, sir. KIM Jeffrey, um, a-huh, is that corn? WAITER Uh...yes. KIM ahhhhhhh! gross! KIM take it. DADDY Jeffrey! WAITER Sir, I'm so sorry. I’m a horrible person and I will go improve myself around the corner. KIM How difficult is it for them to get it right? Can I go to the bathroom? DADDY You gotta respect that. She knows what she wants. CHRIS respect. DADDY Yeah. What the hell are you doin'? CHRIS Eating? DADDY Put that knife and fork down, fuckhead. Come on, respect her! Wait for your princess to come back. CHRIS Sorry, my bad. DADDY “My bad.” My bad?! Who are you, Snoop Dogg now?! CHRIS I’m sorry? DADDY You hear me, homie?! CHRIS Pardon? DADDY No-no, no! No, I think I know you. DADDY You’re one of those assholes that plays basketball every night, right? Right? DADDY And then you're listening to your rap music with your hippie friends. And you’re probably on narcotics right now. Huh, Cheech?! CHRIS No! No, sir. You have me all wrong! DADDY When it comes to my daughter, she is my everything. So you hurt her, you so much as disrespect her, and I’m sending people to your house. Capiche?! CHRIS Capiche. I, I’m gonna run to the restroom myself really quickly. I’ll be r-- Ugh! All right. RACHEL Hi, it’s Rachel. Leave a message at the beep. CLAY Hey baby, It’s Clay. Why don’t you call me back, okay? We'll work through this. We can talk this out. Okay? Call me back. Mm-m-mm! It’s just a rub and tug. It’s not that big of a deal! It’s a massage, okay? It just like masturbating with her hand on top of mine without mine being there. You know what? I’ve been banging bitches left and right. You don’t know shit! You don’t know nothin’. I don’t need you. Peace. CHRIS So, as you can see, the living room is very spacious. BIANCA Well, I, I see that there's a pool, but where is the tennis court? DONALD We were told this property has a tennis court. BIANCA W-where do you expect us to go when the servants are cleaning the house? CHRIS Ah, well, um...there’s a ping pong table in the basement. BIANCA How dare you! DONALD I have not been practicing my backhand for nothing! CHRIS Oh! BIANCA And why is there so much furniture in this room? CHRIS Well, Ma’am, sometimes we furnish the houses to give the prospective buyers a better idea of what it will be like once they-- DONALD And that trim is pretty shitty. Who did that? CHRIS Jack? DONALD Jack who? Is he in the union? BIANCA He’s speaking to you, dimwit. CHRIS I have explosive diarrhea, so I will be right back. DONALD He’s not a dimwit. You have to have a wit to be dim. BIANCA Right. CHRIS Jack. JACK Call me Lone Star. Lay low. CHRIS Lone Star? Why? JACK No time to explain. BIANCA Oh! Ugh! DONALD Ohhh. BIANCA Ohhh! DONALD Bianca. Bianca, you got to see this. Where are you?! Bianca, there's --! DONALD What are you doin' down there? JACK I can’t let you do this. CHRIS Do what? JACK This! Look at you. CHRIS Look at me?! Jack, look at you. JACK You don’t think I look good as a brunette? CHRIS I’m happy right now. O.K? I’ve got my life together. Uh-uh, I’ve got money. Things are great. JACK Oh, everything’s great, huh? Oh, come on. Open your eyes. Is this really what you want? CHRIS Yes. Yes, it is. JACK All right, look. I’ll be the first to admit that I lost my marbles there for a little while. But I’m back and I’ve never been more clear on anything. JACK The cult tried to kill my dreams. I’m never gonna let anybody ever do that again. JACK I can’t give up. Not on the gym and not on myself. JACK And you shouldn’t either. CHRIS Jack... JACK Lone Star? CHRIS Lone Star. Look...even if I did want to quit this job, and dump Kim, the gym's shut down and you’re broke. JACK Not anymore. I’ve got a plan. But I need your help. BIANCA you...are a foul, horrible young man! DONALD Horrible! I’m gonna call your office and file a complaint! CHRIS God, Jack. This is, like, freakishly good. JACK Well, one thing great about being in a cult, planning to take over the world everyday makes you very meticulous and a great strategist. CHRIS You know what else? I think we should do a whole grass-roots social media marketing campaign. JACK I'd love it! Let’s do that. CHRIS Come on. Let’s get to work! CHRIS Aww, man. Really?! Can I get one day off? My freaking arm pits. JACK Your hyperhidrosis is acting up again, huh? CHRIS What? JACK You poor bastard. You haven’t figured it out yet, have you? JACK Let me guess. You’ve tried every antiperspirant known to mankind. CHRIS Yeah. JACK But nothing works. Nothing, not even clinical strength. CHRIS No. JACK Now you’ve resorted to blowdrying your pits, padding them down with paper towels -- CHRIS O.K. Are you following me? JACK Here. Let me show you something. JACK I keep this as a reminder. JACK Back then we didn’t have Photoshop. Hyperhidrosis could’ve killed my career before it even started. CHRIS God...you’re just like me. KIM Chris! CHRIS Kim. JACK Dude, she is hot. CHRIS You're not helping. JACK Be strong. KIM Who the hell was that, and what were you two doing? CHRIS It’s my friend Lone Star. KIM Eh, Daddy’s waiting. Ew, you’re armpits are sweaty. CHRIS I have a condition. Hyperhidrosis. KIM Yuck. CHRIS Exactly. Kim... KIM What? I said, what? CHRIS I’m leaving. KIM I know. We have to go. CHRIS No. I’m leaving alone. KIM We’re not driving to Daddy’s separately. CHRIS Goodbye, Kim. KIM Oh, god! Is this you being emotional again? KIM Don't be so emotional, Chris! KIM You’re delusional. Wake up! CHRIS You know what, Kim? I’m a Cancer. And we are emotional, art majoring, empathetic fish painting mother fuckers! Have a great life. KIM I don’t get it. CHRIS God, I feel amazing! I feel like I could climb a mountain or something! CHRIS Why are we in a Prius? I thought you had a Lamborghini. JACK Had to downsize for the mission. CHRIS Oh. Wait. Where are we going? JACK Page Two. Step One. Blue highlight. JACK Payback. CHRIS Oh, no. JACK Oh, yes. JACK Those fuckers took six million from me. We need that money to save the gym. CHRIS You gave a cult six million dollars! Are you crazy? JACK I didn’t give it to them. I was investing in land on Arcturus. Plus, they told me it was a write off. CHRIS Look, um, Jack -- JACK Lone Star. CHRIS I mean, Lone Star. CHRIS Look, I, I can’t do this. I’m sorry. JACK We have all the power. Just play the role. It’ll be fine. CHRIS What do I call myself? Do I have a code name? I don’t want these guys knowing who I am. JACK Ronald. Ronald Mc... Donaldson. JACK O.K. Ready? CHRIS Wh-what are we doing in a dentist's office? JACK Think about it. That’s how they get you. Everybody needs to get their teeth cleaned. CHRIS This is crazy. What have I gotten myself into? Oh, my god, what if they have guns?! CHRIS What if they try to KILL me?! Holy shit, I'm gonna die. JACK Fuck. I ate carbs today. I am such a fatty. CHRIS Why did I think I could do this?! I hardly even know this guy. CHRIS What if he’s trying to brainwash me? What if I’m already in the cult? JACK I bet Rachel has a blonde wig. Yeah, but it’ll look totally fake. DENTAL ASSISTANT Ron? CHRIS Yeah! CHRIS I...am...Ron. CHRIS Um ... Mariah Carey flies south for the winter. DENTAL ASSISTANT Honey or Glitter? CHRIS Honey? DENTAL ASSISTANT Right this way. VENUS Arcturian Lifestyles. This is Venus. How can I help you? DIGITAL LOCK Enter voice authorization sample. VENUS Hanini Naniii, Hanini Naniii! VENUS Yeah Oooo, Ahoo-oo, Ahoo-oo! VENUS Yay-ay-ahehhhhhhh! Hey-ey-yeah-ehh, wa-ooooooo! DIGITAL LOCK Activate. JACK Hello, Benevolent Leader. CULT LEADER Have a seat. CHRIS Ow! CULT LEADER You dare bring in an outsider, Dipshit? JACK This...is my spiteful, relentless, ball crushing, undefeated lawyer. JACK Oh, yeah. Your worst nightmare. CHRIS Um...well, first I would just, I would like to, um, thank you for -- CULT LEADER Spit it out, jackass! JACK Remember why we’re here. JACK We need this money to save everyone's job. CHRIS All right, motherfucker. I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen well. CHRIS Your organization owes my client upwards of six million dollars. CHRIS american! CHRIS My client has suffered from anxiety...depression...erectile dysfunction! JACK I, I have that last problem under control now . CHRIS And I will not stop until justice has been upheld, my bald friends! CULT LEADER What do ya got? CHRIS Are you “dentists” familiar with the iPhone Audio Recorder App? CHRIS Well, lucky for me my client was during your little routine kidnapping. You remember that? CHRIS behold evidence A! JACK no! no! no, not the hair! anything but the hair! noooo! CULT HENCHMEN Goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat, goat –! CULT LEADER cut! Arcturians... CULT LEADER Fuck this goat! CULT LEADER On the floor. CULT LEADER Oh, yeah, like that. CHRIS Oh, and uh, that is not the only copy of that recording. I got that shit on my iCloud. Wassup!? Ha-ha! CHRIS So, if you, uh, lovebugs try any funny business, I will have the F.B.I, the C.I.A, and T.M.Z all over this place like stink on a baboon, my friend! CHRIS Six... thousand dollars. CHRIS AND JACK yeah, baby! hoo-hoo! JACK Take that to the bank, dipshits! CHRIS Hey, where you going? JACK Page twelve. Orange highlight. Unfinished business. CHRIS Jack, she’s engaged. JACK Not anymore. CHRIS How's my hair look? JACK Looks fine. Come, on. CHRIS Are you sure? JACK Yeah! CHRIS O.K, hey, let’s just go back to the gym instead. JACK Are you not familiar with Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power Of Now? Carpe Diem. Seize the day. CHRIS I’ll speak to her eventually. JACK You just took on a whole cult. You can talk to my niece. CHRIS What am I supposed to say? JACK I’ll do all the talking. Relax. JACK Hey, Rach! RACHEL Uncle Jack, Chris. What are you guys doin' here? JACK Chris ... will explain everything. JACK Hey, guys! Who wants to play a little horse. CHRIS So, once again I’m-I’m really sorry that, uh... CHRIS ...that I didn’t respond to any of your, your text messages. That was, that was immature. RACHEL No, look, I’m sorry...for everything. CHRIS So we’re both sorry. I know. Why don’t we start over? CHRIS Hi. I’m Chris. RACHEL I'm Rachel. CHRIS So who is Jack? RACHEL Oh, Tom Jones over there? He’s my sugar daddy. CHRIS I knew it! RACHEL Mm-hmm. I Cannot believe you thought that when we first met. CHRIS I have a lot of deep, core-rooted issues stemming from my childhood, mostly. JACK You’re a ho, Manny! JACK Eat it! Chew it! How does failure taste?! Haha- ha-ha. CHRIS Ha-ha! RACHEL All right. Well I guess I should get back to the kids. But thanks for...stopping by. CHRIS Would you like to go out sometime? RACHEL Chris... RACHEL You are...a super, super sweet guy. And you make me laugh, but...I just need time. CHRIS Of course. Totally. I mean I, I get it. Y-you just broke up with your fiance. You need some time. RACHEL Thanks. JACK You’re a Whore! How does that feel?! Hoo-hoooo! BOBBY Feels like the band is back together. BOBBY Speaking of bands, Jack’s hair looks awesome! MISSY I just hope Bon Jovi has good news, because we couldn’t find anywhere that was hiring. BOBBY Oh. DRE And we’re saving up for a Kia. BOBBY That is a great vehicle. JACK Rachel, perfect timing! JACK Wow. Look who’s rocking the Dumbbells uni. I like it. RACHEL Official. JACK Listen, I gotta rally the troops. So I’ll see you in a little bit, O.K? RACHEL All right. RACHEL Wow. Blond is way better. CHRIS Yes . RACHEL Hey. CHRIS Hey. CHRIS Thank you for coming. RACHEL I gotta support my uncle, right? CHRIS Right. JACK All right, everyone! JACK Well, let me just say, uh...it’s fantastic to see you all back in uniform again. JACK I know we’ve had some bumps in the road, but uh, I hope you enjoyed that little vacation of yours, 'cause that’s all it was. 'Cause it’s time to get down to some work. CHRIS That’s right. It’s time to turn the gym’s business around and take back control of our lives. JACK And that’s why we’ve come up with a three-part plan. JACK Todd, hand out the binders. JACK Now when I escaped, I knew that I was gonna have to face The Leader once more-- MISSY Escaped? DRE The Leader? JACK That’s right. I was in a cult for 20 years. CHRIS Be strong. JACK But I’m not ashamed. And I’m not hiding anymore. JACK In fact, not only am I fighting back, but I am taking those mindsucking alien-loving parasites down! JACK And I won’t stop until I retrieve every penny of my $5,994,000 that they still owe me! JACK they will be begging me for mercy! JACK across the universe, the name jack guy will cause fear in the hearts of every arcturian! JACK Bobby? BOBBY So you want us to help you take down the cult, to get your money back, to save this gym. JACK No, no, not at all. I-I was just venting. It’s a really important part of the healing process. My therapist-- CHRIS Uh! Guys. CHRIS I think what Jack is trying to say, is this. CHRIS After my injury, I started to act as if life had robbed me of something that I deserved. That life owed me. CHRIS And I quit...on myself. CHRIS But I’m ready to get back in the game. I’m tired of sitting on the sideline. I wanna play some ball. And what I wanna know is who is ready to play some ball with me?! CHRIS Bobby! BOBBY So...uh, you want us to join a basketball league then? CHRIS No. RACHEL I think what, uh, Chris and Jack are trying to say is that, if we work together as a team we can turn the Dumbbells business around and...save everyone’s job. STAFF Ahhhhh. CHRIS W-well, I thought we were clear. JACK So here’s the plan. With the money we got from the cult. We’ll throw a promotional party. JACK But not just any party. I’m talking a full-on Hollywood event. JACK When times are tough, families pull together. CHRIS And say goodbye to working for minimum wage. JACK That’s right. From now on, everyone has a piece of the company. We are a team. And there is no “i” in Dumbbells. CHRIS For every problem, we create the solution. JACK Even the bitchiest ones. CHRIS Turns out Fabio's not a dick after all. FABIO Good evening. I’m looking for Ivana. IVANA I’m...I’m Ivana. FABIO Wow...I didn’t know you were that beautiful and so sexy. IVANA Oh! FABIO Would you like to go for an evening ride? FABIO Let's go. CHRIS Once he heard how Jack got screwed out of all his money, he stepped up to the plate big time. CHRIS Let me help you with that. RACHEL Oh, yeah. Let me just get – ugh right...there. CHRIS Perfect. RACHEL Perfect. TODD guys! CHRIS Ohhh! CHRIS Wuh! Aaghh. RACHEL Oh, my god. Are you O.K? TODD Shouldn’t be on that ladder at the same time. TODD JACK Hey, buddy. You made it. FABIO Hey. How are you doing, my friend? Great to see you. BOBBY Hey...any bats in the cave? CHRIS You’re clear. BOBBY Thanks, buddy. CHRIS Ow! BOBBY You know, Chris. I’m really glad you and I teamed up. It’s like when Apollo Creed and Rocky joined forces to take on the Russian. CHRIS The Russian killed Apollo. BOBBY Way to revert back to your negativity, dipshit. NOT TOM CRUISE Woo! BOBBY Holy Valkyrie on Blu-ray! Is that Tom Cruise? NOT TOM CRUISE Sometimes you just gotta say, What the fuck. He-he-he-he! NOT TOM CRUISE Make your move. Woo! He-he, woo! CHRIS No. That is not Tom Cruise. BOBBY That is Tom Cruise. NOT TOM CRUISE Dumbbells Girls, you complete me... you complete me! BOBBY I was a bartender in the Philippines and I watched Cocktail every day for inspiration. That is Tom Cruise. CHRIS You were a bartender in the Philippines? NOT TOM CRUISE Woo! BOBBY Sure. JACK Actually, it doesn’t matter. Perception is reality. DRE Hey, guys. A real, live Hollywood producer just gave me his card! Said I had a dynamic look. Wants to make me a star! CHRIS Awesome. Congrats, buddy. DRE Talk to you soon. BOBBY He reminds me of a young Macaulay Culkin. CHRIS It’s kind of crazy to think that I wanted to quit not even a month ago, huh? JACK Ah, we all want to quit at one time or another. Important thing is to hang in there, because tomorrow always brings another surprise. CHRIS Speaking of surprises, I got this for you. Boom. JACK What’s this? CHRIS I was able to salvage the footage from the reality show. I edited it together, added effects, cool transitions, graphics -- the whole nine. JACK Wow. How did you learn to do that? CHRIS I was an art major. JACK Very cool. BANKER Woo! Ha-ha, how’s it going guys? This party is the tits. Am I right, huh? The tit-tays. It’s slutsville out there. Is that a real place? Because if it’s not, I would move there. Hey! You guys were the guys from the bank. Oh, my god, the loan. I totally-- CHRIS Yeah. JACK Yeah. BANKER Look, please accept my deepest apologies. O.K? I really am sorry. I'm goin' through some shit right now. My kid's masturbating in school. Can’t stop him. How do you stop it? His dick is there all the time. All right. I’m not gonna bother with my hands. They're gonna get dirty in a second anyway. MISSY Did you know we already have 42 new members? GIZZELL Are any of them rich men? MISSY Gizzell, don’t be a slut. CHRIS Well...things are looking pretty good right now, huh, Todd? TODD You guys did a really good job with this place. My dad couldn’t do this. He said I suck. He sucks! Hu-hu-ha, it’s like-- FABIO Chris, Jack told me you have a, a sweat problem. I think this can help. CHRIS Wow. Never thought I’d say this but thank you, Fabio. You’re a sweetheart. FABIO You’re welcome. CHRIS Hey, by the way...what do you use in your hair? It’s spectacular. FABIO Oh, that’s simple. Pussy juice. CHRIS All right. CHRIS You can do this. CHRIS I am sorry to interrupt, Buzz. But if I may cut in... BUZZ Well, I was just gonna ask her to marry me, but it wouldn’t have worked out. Be happy. RACHEL So cute! CHRIS How could you not love that guy? RACHEL I know. Let’s see what you got. CHRIS So this is my-- CHRIS Well...shall we? RACHEL Well, congratulations on a very successful party. You boys have come a long way and I am very proud. CHRIS Well, I have you to thank. RACHEL For what? CHRIS For everything. RACHEL Are you getting emotional on me? CHRIS I’m sorry. That’s, that's lame. I know. RACHEL Are you kidding me? What girl wouldn’t love a man who’s in touch with his emotions? RACHEL And I wanted to thank you...for respecting my boundaries. CHRIS I love...respecting your boundaries. JACK And look whose got it all on camera. You adorable lovebirds. Oh-ho-ho, that was poetry. Thank you, Jack. BOBBY Chris! They’re playing your D.V.D on the projector. Everybody loves it! You gotta come check it out. Oh, I gotta see this. BOBBY Come on. CHRIS Let’s go. BOBBY Sorry for C-blocking, man. JOE MALOOF Hey, Jack. JACK The Maloofs! Gavin, Joe nice to see ya. JOE MALOOF jack...fabio told us you were havin' a party. Well, yeah. Are you guys having some fun, huh? GAVIN MALOOF Yeah, but unfortunately, uh, we’re in a big rush. Our helicopter’s pickin' us up in five. JACK Oh, okay. JOE MALOOF Is this roof flat? JACK Uh...yeah. JOE MALOOF Oh, it doesn’t matter. Look, we’re branching out of Las Vegas. JOE MALOOF We’re producing our own television. And we were looking at the footage over here and thought that, uh-- GAVIN MALOOF Premise rocks. We love the name. And that's some fine-ass bitches here. JOE MALOOF It’s like Sunset Tan in a gym. And not only could it be a reality show, but maybe we can franchise this. GAVIN MALOOF Let’s talk on Monday. We'll discuss the numbers. JACK Abso-maloof-ly! Eh?! GAVIN MALOOF Okay, Jack. JACK Yeah! JOE MALOOF Be seein' ya. JACK Yeah. JOE MALOOF Come on, bitches. JOE MALOOF Wouldn't want to keep Obama waiting. JACK No! You definitely do noooot! STAFF ahhhhh! EVERYONE Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! Dumbbells! CHRIS So I guess the vision doesn’t always manifest exactly as you saw it. CHRIS But Jack Guy sure was right. Dreams do come true. CHRIS Oh, everything's gonna be fine? Everything's gonna be fine?! JACK Listen... CHRIS do i look fine?! CHRIS i am not fine! i am very far from fine! take off that wig! CHRIS god! damn it! JACK Um... CHRIS Sorry! BOBBY How's the date goin'? CHRIS It is not a date! MISSY Looks like a date from over here. CHRIS It is not a date! DRE Just tell her how you feel! CHRIS What the fuck is your problem? BOBBY So what's your sign? BOBBY You wanna go out after this and get a penis colada? BOBBY I mean, peanut colada. You know what I meant. DIRECTOR Cut! BANKER Hey, guys! BANKER How's it goin', huh? How about this party. Oh, my god. I swear to god, 50 percent of those chicks can fit their full fist in their mouth. It sucks that one couldn't get it out. But she's gonna be O.K. DIRECTOR And mark. BANKER It was a bad day for me. O.K? My dad's in town right now, and you know, he was a drinker. He was a drinker growing up and projectile vomiting, constantly. You know, he actually threw up once while he was changing me. Right on my dick. You remember that shit. Now, do either of you have a roofie? The big blonde? Seriously, one or two? I say “two.” Bets? Huh? MISSY I'm sorry, I see . KIM Why? Why-why-why-why-whywhy- why-why-why, why, why, why, tell me why-why-why-whywhy- why-why-why-why-why, whywhy- why-why. Why! BOBBY I'm up to 104 views. That dramatic chipmunk better watch out...or I'm gonna give it my nuts. The little kid that said, “Chawie bit my finger,” better watch out before I put him in a fucking microwave. That sneezing panda better watch its multicolored back before I fist fuck it with my nine. BANKER Again, thanks for stopping by. You have my card? Yeah? I mean, I ripped the number off, so you can't call me. That Starbucks? You know, there's cheaper coffee. 7-11, you know. I'm a banker. O.K? I'm dead inside. LITTLE Give me some more of that Kush. I got so baked I watched five seasons of Lost in one day. TINY Yeah, that's impossible, homie. That's, like, 80 hours. LITTLE In one day. JACK Look, I've got a show to put run! Oh, you – no my ass is on the line! You're working for me! You know, you've got the I.Q of a croissant! You know, I don't need this! No, I'm not paying you! KIM Eww! CHRIS O.K. Go back to kissing me. DIRECTOR Cut it. FABIO People do that. FABIO You know, it's like nobody fuck with the Fabio. O.K? Have a good day. HAROLD Thanks. Titanic. CHRIS You still owe me Sleepless in Seattle! HAROLD I'm not done with it, Chris! CHRIS Whatever! HAROLD You're whatever. CHRIS you're whatever! HAROLD you are! CHRIS you are! DONALD He's not a dimwit. DONALD You have to have a wit to be dim. BIANCA Right. DONALD He's the dimmest of the dimwits. Mister Dimwit. BIANCA Mister Dimwit. DONALD Captain Dimwit. BIANCA General Dimwit. king dimwit...Emperor Dimwit. BIANCA Yes. BOBBY Listen, Dances with Queers, I'm never fucking done. I got 20 more laps, an hour more worth of abs, and I'm gonna fuck this line up horribly. CHRIS Ruff-ruff-ruff! Rrruff! Rruff! Lu-lu-lu-lu-luh! O.K. Let's, let's cut the crap! NOT TOM CRUISE See this coat I'm wearing? I don't need it anymore, because I'm cooked . I had two slices of bad pizza and He-he! BOBBY Are you out of your fucking mind? BOBBY I don't put that shit in my body. BOBBY I'm downin' some C.O.C. Cellular Oxygen Creatine. BOBBY A formula that quadruples my amino acid car recovery by fucking up the lines and having to do it over again. BOBBY I'm downin' some C.O.C. ...Creatine Oxygen fucking shit backwards asshole. BOBBY Cellular Oxygen Creatine. A liquid formula that my amino acid circulation while quadrupling my-- CHRIS Goat got your tongue? CHRIS Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! CHRIS This was fun. Wasn't this fun? We should do this again.