ALL ALLAN ANDY BEN BOB DAVE DRIVER JOANNA JOANNE KARI KATE LADY_AT_FLOWER_BOOTH MEGAN MIKE PAUL TRISH VALERIE WAITER BOB Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the annual Calgary wedding fair. Please visit all the fabulous vendors who'll give you lots of great ideas for your wedding. And you want to stick around for our bridal fashion show right here in the main top floors. Come see the latest bridal fashions and trends. You won't wanna miss it. Of course, don't forget to enter our draws, sponsored by Calgary Modern Wedding magazine. I'm Bob Hines, and I'm the editor. One lucky bride and groom will win a 100,000-dollar dream wedding. So, fill up your ballots, because we'll be announcing the winner right after the fashion show. Best of luck to all of you. And, fellas, don't forget, your lovely lady is shopping here today for you. She wants to look good for you. And a happy wife is a happy life. So, it's not just ladies here today. There's ladies, there's men, there's everyone. And there's champagne for all. MEGAN Oh, my gosh, Katey. This is beautiful. Look at this. MEGAN Hmm. BOB We have everything that you need for your wedding day. KATE Champagne-scented rose petals. MEGAN Oh, great idea. Oh, perfect smell for a hangover. LADY AT FLOWER BOOTH We have a special on faux rose petals. Soft plastic, nobody can tell. KATE Oh. Well, talk to my sister. She's getting married, not me. LADY AT FLOWER BOOTH Oh, I know, dear. I can tell. LADY AT FLOWER BOOTH We also hand dip the chapel flowers to match your hair color. MEGAN Oh. We're just having a simple, quickie wedding. My fiancé is from Australia. So, he's gotta go back. Last week. Oh. MEGAN I know. I know. We're getting married in two weeks. And then living in Australia. It's all so exciting. Right, Kate? Uh, planet Earth, Kate Wilde. KATE Hmm? MEGAN Hello. KATE Oh. Oh, sorry. I was just looking around. MEGAN Are these fake? LADY AT FLOWER BOOTH Faux, not fake. KATE Huh. Hmm. MEGAN Oh, my gosh. They're so soft. LADY AT FLOWER BOOTH Both my younger sisters got married before me, dear. So, I know how you feel. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. KATE Oh. Right. Yes, please. MEGAN Is that champagne? KATE Yeah. Oh! MEGAN Oh, my gosh. Yum. KATE Yes, it's delicious, and it's free. Let's go get more. MEGAN Mm. Oh, my gosh. MEGAN Oh, wow! It's so cool! I like this one. Oh, my gosh. ANDY Yeah. Just one more. Just, uh, smiling. Yeah, all right. There it is. Okay. So, I don't know, maybe you wanna get married near the Eiffel Tower. Huh? KATE Oh. ANDY Oui, oui, huh? Or maybe you need something a little more gnarly, right? Hawaii. KATE Ooh. MEGAN Ooh. Yeah. KATE Yeah. ANDY Ah. I can marry you anywhere in the world really. I mean, if reality is not good enough for your wedding, just call me. KATE Uh, well, actually, it's just my sister getting married, not me. ANDY Are you sure about that? I don't know. You know what, I'll even throw in the lucky guy. KATE Oh. Yeah. ANDY Oh. You and Jeff look great together. You met at a coffee shop. KATE Do you know him? MEGAN Is he single? KATE Megs! MEGAN Oh, I'm just kidding. But you actually do know him? ANDY No, I got him off the net. I mean, but he looks like a Jeff, right? Or a Colby, Trey? I don't know. Good-looking people always have good-looking names, don't they? ANDY I mean, beautiful women always have beautiful names like Lorelei, or Vanessa, or Megan, or Kate. ANDY Hey, have you entered the draw? MEGAN No, I haven't. But I did see this sign at the front door. Sorry. Eager bride. Oh, Megs, this is for a wedding in June. You'll be gone by then. MEGAN Uh, we will. But you won't. KATE What? No, no, no, no, no. MEGAN Mm-hmm. Good luck. KATE You didn't. MEGAN Yep. KATE That's crazy. I don't even have a boyfriend. MEGAN Well, you better find one fast. Wedding's in June. KATE Ugh! MEGAN Katey, chill. What's the big whoop-de-do? KATE What if I win? MEGAN Then you get, like, a lot of cool stuff. Look. Massages, pedicures, trips. Heck, half this stuff isn't even for weddings. KATE Uh, diamond rings, floral arrangements, and custom wedding dress. The other half is. MEGAN Ugh! Katey, there's, like, 1,000 names in there. Relax. BOB Hello, ladies and gentlemen. And welcome. I'm Bob Hines. And I'm the editor of Calgary Modern Marriage magazine. And it's time for a lucky lady to win her dream wedding. Let's see who it is. KATE You are crazy. BOB And the winner of the 100,000-dollar dream wedding... is Kate Wilde! Shh, shh, shh! BOB Kate Wilde, is that you? KATE One word and you're dead. BOB Kate Wilde, you have to be here to win, dear. BOB Kate Wilde? Well, it's a big building. I'll just give her a call and see if she's here. MEGAN I had to. It said to. KATE Oh, my gosh. I'm going to kill you. I swear nobody will find your body. And no jury will convict me. BOB It's a big day for Kate Wilde. BOB Kate... Kate Wild, is that you? BOB Come on up here. Claim your prize. Ladies and gentlemen, Kate Wilde. The winner of the 100,000-dollar dream wedding. MEGAN You won! She won! KATE No, no, no, no. No, no. There's been some kind of mistake. And I-- MEGAN No. No, no. Uh, do you know what, we're just gonna have a little chitchat. We'll be right back. KATE What? MEGAN Thank you very much. BOB It must be wedding nerves. She'll be right up here in a moment, folks. Hundred thousand dollars. Dream wedding, Kate Wilde. Isn't it-- KATE Um, Megs. What are you doing? I can't accept this. MEGAN Uh, sure you can. You won fair and square. They picked you. KATE I'm not getting married. MEGAN So? Only you and I know that. Look. Do you see any TV crews, paparazzi? Outside of this buidling, nobody knows and nobody cares. Look, not even these businesses care you win. They're just doing this for publicity and advertising. KARI Uh, excuse me? Kate Wilde? They're, um, ready for you. Is everything okay? KATE No, it's not. Yes, yes. Everything's fine. She's just a little shy. Uh, could you just give us one more minute? KARI Okay. Yeah. MEGAN Thanks. Katey, the next couple months, what are you gonna do? KATE Well, work. MEGAN No. no. I mean, to meet people, specifically single men-type people. Office parties, bars, Craigslist? KATE What? MEGAN Okay, fine. What about just going out on the town, and getting pampered, and waxed, and massaged. New clothes. New look. Hundred thousand-dollar new you. How does that sound? KATE Well, about the other women? The real brides. MEGAN Who's to say by June, you won't be a real bride? KATE Uh history, logic, reality. MEGAN It could happen. MEGAN We're being proactive. Make it happen. Okay, fine, then do it for me. Look, I'm not gonna see you for a really long time. Katey, this is a gift from God. We can do all of this fantastic stuff together. God, Katey, for once in your life, don't be sensible. Flip it up. You could meet more people and have more fun than you've had in forever. KATE Okay. But you're forgetting something. MEGAN What? KATE The wedding. Fifty percent of the bride and groom thing, it's missing. MEGAN Well, you just... break up. KATE With who? MEGAN Raoul. KATE Raoul? MEGAN Raoul, Ted, Fred. It doesn't really matter. You just say that your guy gets cold feet. MEGAN My darling, Kate. It's not you, it's me. I'm just not quite ready to commit. But I hope in time-- KATE Okay, spare me. I know the drill. Okay, I am crazy to even think this. But... maybe the day after you leave, I could call them, and tell them that the wedding is off. And they're have time to find a real bride. MEGAN Uh, yeah. Go, Katey. Go, Katey. KATE You are insane. I am insane for listening. MEGAN Yeah, it runs in the family. MEGAN Look, Katey. You're doing this. If you don't, you're gonna regret it for your entire life. KATE Oh. Yeah. I already regret it. MEGAN Uh, no more talk. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. BOB Kate Wilde has won a 100,000-dollar dream wedding, and she just has to come up and get her prize. Come on up, Kate. MEGAN We're back! Sorry, everyone. New bride nerves. You know how it is. BOB Kate, are you're here? Ah! Ladies and gentlemen, our winner, Kate Wilde! MEGAN Go on. BOB Congratulations, welcome. Welcome, and congratulations on winning 100,000-dollar dream wedding just for you. KATE Thank you. MEGAN Yes. Ah, sorry. She's a little shy. I am Kate's sister. And I will be accepting on her behalf. So, thank you. BOB Oh. Very nice of you. A bridesmaid. MEGAN Uh, yeah. Yep. I sure am. Uh, look. We're in a bit of a hurry. BOB Yes, I saw that. I saw that. I saw you rush after. Now, Katey, it almost looked like you did not want to win this contest, but that can't be right. So, tell me, Kate, is your wonderful fiancé here with you today? Uh... No, no. Uh, you know men. They'd rather have dental surgery than be dragged to this place. MEGAN Um, my own fiancé refused to come, so... BOB Oh. So, you're getting married as well? MEGAN Yes. Yes, I am. Um, he proposed last week. BOB Oh, that's wonderful. Congratulations to you both. Now, Kate, I'm sure you'd love to have your fiancé standing right next to you on this special day. Why don't we give him a call and explain to him all the wonderful things that have happened to you? KATE No. MEGAN No. BOB No? MEGAN No. KATE No. MEGAN No, we can't. Uh, he is in... Mexico. BOB Mexico? MEGAN Yes, way up in the mountains. BOB Oh, in the mountains. MEGAN By the ocean. Yes. And there's no cellphones there. Heck, there's not even Internet. He's a doctor. BOB A doctor. A doctor. A doctor. MEGAN And he also builds homes for the poor. BOB Oh. MEGAN Anyway, uh, we really have to go. So, if we could just get... BOB Builds homes for the poor in Mexico. Ladies and gentlemen, I... I ask-- BOB You must be so proud of him. She is. She... she really, really is. She just can't stop talking about him, except for right now. So, um, we just gotta-- BOB What's his name? MEGAN Raoul. KATE Raoul? BOB Raoul. MEGAN Raoul. BOB Raoul. MEGAN Yes. Um, Raoul DeCredenza. BOB DeCredenza. MEGAN Yes, 6'4''. BOB Oh! MEGAN Blue eyes. BOB Whoa! MEGAN Great butt. BOB Oh! Sounds lovely. MEGAN Anyway, we are actually on our way to the airport. We've gotta go get him. Andy, would you come up and take a couple of photographs of our winner, please, and her sister. ANDY Yeah. BOB How exciting. MEGAN Smile in the pictures. ANDY Hi. All right. Right there. And smile. MEGAN Smile. ANDY Yeah, yeah. KATE Did it work? ANDY There it is. All right. Well, congratulations. MEGAN Oh, Katey. Go, get the car. Uh, hi. BOB Oh, hi. MEGAN I just need this. We need to get to the airport. BOB Oh, please. Allow us to take you to the airport. MEGAN No. BOB Please. We have a stretch limousine at your disposal. MEGAN A what? BOB Stretch limo. MEGAN Ah, a limo. A limo, yes. Uh, yeah. Actually, uh, we can just take a couple more pictures. BOB Couple more pictures. Andy, if you would. ANDY All right, yeah, not a problem. You know the drill. Look into the lens. ANDY And the smile thing again. Uh, yeah. Say, "I love weddings!" BOB I love weddings. MEGAN I love weddings! MEGAN Stretch limo, baby. Every Sunday until the big day. KATE You mean our court date, when we get sued? MEGAN What do you mean "we," stranger? I was carjacked, taken hostage. KATE I can't believe I let you talk me into this. MEGAN Oh, yes. A limo, champagne. You poor thing. Oh, I swear I am an only child. You must have been adopted some depressed Swedish Puritans or something. KATE Mom, Dad, my friends. MEGAN Oh, Kate. Nobody knows except for you and I. And even if someone does find out, what's the big deal? You won a big prize at the wedding fair. KATE Yeah, a wedding. Usually, that involves two people. MEGAN Ooh! Let's have lunch at La Gavroche. French food, Kate. We're gonna eat French food! Oh, I am so having this. KATE What is it? MEGAN I have no idea, but it's 100 bucks. So, must be good. KATE Oh, you and Dave go. MEGAN We can't. You have to be there. You're the bride, remember? KATE Oh. DRIVER We're here. MEGAN Uh, where? DRIVER The airport. MEGAN Right. MEGAN Hmm, thank you. First time in a limo, and nobody we know sees us. KATE Ugh, thank God. DRIVER Need help with anything? KATE Uh... MEGAN Uh, yeah. Actually, if you can just take us back. DRIVER Take you back? But-- KATE Sorry, no. No, no. Thank you so much for the ride. We're okay. MEGAN Yes, thank you. It was lovely. Um, we'll see you next Sunday? Hey, what are you doing in June? KATE Sorry. She was dropped on her head as a baby. You know, maybe stuck a fork in a toaster at one point. Anyway, thank you so much. Limo is beautiful. You take care now. We gotta catch our flight. Our bags are in there with our ficancé, that's fine. MEGAN Thank you. KATE Take care now. KATE Okay. We have had our fun. MEGAN Uh, no. We are just getting started. KATE No, we are not! We are going home. Wait. Weren't you supposed to meet Dave after the fair? MEGAN Oh, my gosh. With everything going on, I totally forgot. DAVE Hello. MEGAN Hi. Uh, we're at the airport. DAVE You're where? MEGAN At the airport. Um, we don't have our car. It's kind of a long story. DAVE Megan, I'm at the consulate. You need to be here with me. Crikeys. We got, like, a million things to do, and you go to the bloody airport. Where's your car? MEGAN At the fair. We drove here in a stretch limo. It was fantastic. DAVE I don't give a rat's back... I don't give a rat's backside if flying dingos took you! Megan, You've got to be more responsible. Just... just get here as fast as you can. MEGAN Okay. Bye. I love you. Ugh. We need two taxis. I've gotta go to the consulate. Passport stuff. KATE You okay? Just stressed. Wedding, the trip. We fought more in the past six days than we have in the entire six months. God. Sixty million men in this country, and I marry an Australian. MEGAN But I'm glad we won this thing. MEGAN It was fun today, huh? KATE Raoul DeFirenza? MEGAN DeCredenza. KATE Okay. MEGAN Raoul DeCredenza. KATE Mm-hmm. 6'4'', blue eyes. KATE Yeah, buns of steel, I know. You are a nut. Why couldn't you have gone with John Smith? That name, they can't check up on. MEGAN Uh, who? The wedding cops? Look, nobody cares, Kate. In two weeks, you and Dave will be split up, and it's over. KATE Mm? MEGAN What? It was a good idea. KATE Uh, no, Meg. You said Dave, not Raoul. MEGAN Ugh! Nobody cares what you call your fake husband. The next two weeks, sis, you and me are gonna bump it like a trumpet. Am I right? KATE Ugh! MEGAN Relax! Nobody knows but us. Okay? And I'm not gonna tell a soul. Unless we get caught. Then I talk. KATE Oh. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Look. I'll call you when I'm done. Okay? And tomorrow, first thing, we're going to the spa. KATE Maybe the day after you leave, I could call them, and tell them that the wedding is off. Then they'll have time to find a real bride. MEGAN Uh, yeah. KATE Oh. No, no, no, no, no. MEGAN That's perfect. Thank you. MEGAN Feeling better? Less paranoid? KATE Kinda. Yeah. MEGAN Good. I was worried you'd enter into a witness relocation program. WAITER Again. KATE Oh. Oh. WAITER Congratulations. KATE Mm. WAITER It is a shame that your fiancé couldn't join us. So... will you guys be ready to order? KATE Um, Megan, you go. Hello. MEGAN Can we get just a minute? BOB Is this Kate Wilde? KATE Uh, yeah. Speaking. BOB Hi, Kate. It's Bob Hines. Editor of Calgary Modern Wedding magazine. BOB You must remember me. We met yesterday. KATE Uh, yes. Yes. Have you used any of your prizes yet? KATE Don't touch the wine. MEGAN Why, what's wrong? KATE It's the wedding fair. They found out. Uh, Mr. Hines, I'll pay it all back. Every penny. Even for the wine. I'm sorry. You know, I... I've been drinking. I wasn't thinking. Please forgive me. BOB I'll deal with this later. KATE Mr. Hines? BOB Hello, Kate. Kate? I'm sorry. It's just a madhouse here today. BOB Now, Kate, we're gonna need a few photographs of you and Raoul. It's for our June issue. Now, Andy Swenson is going to be the photographer. He'll take the shots. and I sure hope you're enjoying your gifts. MEGAN Kate, we're fine. They don't know. KATE No, I have to tell him. Mr. Hines-- MEGAN Give me that. KATE Hey! MEGAN Hi, this is Megan. Kate's sister. Do you always speak for Kate? MEGAN Yes, I do. Look, we'll get you those pictures, but we gotta go. Bye. BOB Okay-- BOB Oh. Charming lady. KATE What are you doing? Give me that. MEGAN No. Kate, we're fine. They don't know. KATE They will soon. Give me that. MEGAN No, Kate. Look, they just want pictures of you and some guy. What's the big deal? You guys are gonna be broken up anyway by the time the magazine comes out. They'll just pull the photo. KATE Uh, what photo? And what guy? MEGAN Any photo of you and any guy. KATE Oh. Dave. Dave will do it. KATE What? MEGAN He's tall. He's good-looking. He's got a great butt. KATE Megs! What do we tell him, huh? How do we explain to him that he's posing for wedding photos with me? Megan? KATE Oh, my gosh. He already knows. You already told him. MEGAN Oh, Katey. I'm sorry. I had to tell him. He was so mad at me yesterday. But you should see our passport pictures. We were both so upset. We look horrible. You know, these past couple days, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. KATE Megan. He loves you. And you love him. MEGAN Ugh. I know. I know. It's just with him proposing, and me leaving, it's just all happening so fast and... God, in two weeks, I'm gonna be in a whole different country with a husband. And without Mom, without Dad, without my big sister. Oh, I'm such a baby. I can't stand it. KATE No. No, no. You're actually very brave. I'm the one who's backed out twice. Heck, look at me now. I can't even go through with the fake wedding. Did you tell anyone else? MEGAN Hmm? KATE Megs. KATE What, is it all over your Facebook? MEGAN No, no, no. It's just one little email to Vicky. KATE Ugh! MEGAN I swore to her complete and total secrecy. KATE Mm. I can hear 100 Twitters spreading the news. MEGAN Um, no, Kate. That's so not happening. Look, Dave and I will come to your work tomorrow. And we'll take some pictures of you guys. KATE Nuh-uh. They want the photographer from the wedding fair. You know, the guy with the beard? MEGAN Mm. All right, sure. We'll do it. MEGAN You and Dave should totally have a fight. You know, like a little argument. That way, it sort of sets the seeds for the eventual breakup. Huh? What do you think? KATE I think we're both gonna be wearing straight jackets soon. MEGAN Oh, Kate. Just 13 more days, and then, "Uh, I'm sorry. I got frozen female feet. Wedding's off. Bye." Give me that. Hmm. MEGAN Where's our waiter? I'm hungry. KATE Hey, guys. DAVE G'day, darling wife. KATE Oh, yeah. But thanks for doing this. I know it seems crazy, but Megan talked me into it. DAVE Me, too. I was gonna refuse. But they don't know me. Things just might work out. MEGAN Ugh! DAVE Oi! Crikey! Not even bloody well married yet. KATE All right, we should get going. I only have an hour. MIKE Katherine. Sir, excuse me. Uh, before you go, these rental contracts. KATE What about them. MIKE Oh. Well, you see, there's an important disclosure failure here. Uh, your wedding! ALL Surprise! KATE What are you talking about? Oh, my God. MIKE And you must be the lucky man. DAVE Uh, am I? MEGAN Uh... ALL Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech! MEGAN Speech! Speech! Come on. Give a speech. KATE Um, listen. Guys, this is very nice of you. But you didn't have to do this. Because I-- MIKE But we know. I mean, what could we possibly get you? You already have everything you need. KATE Actually, I... I don't. That's the problem. Um, wow, this is embarrassing. Um, bottom line, I'm not getting married. KATE You know, I've been drinking. I wasn't thinking. And I made a very big mistake. MEGAN Guys, guys, come on, you'll work through this. KATE Megan. MEGAN They're just going through a little bit of a rough patch. MIKE Yeah. KATE Megan. I will push your head through a rough patch if you don't shut up. MEGAN It happens to all couples before weddings. You know, the stress, the travel, the passports. But I'm sure these two will work it out. MEGAN We just have to talk. I'll be right back. MIKE I'm sure it'll work out. I mean, trust me. I'm a bit of an expert. Been married three times. Uh, you do have a prenup, though, right? KATE You are embarrassing me in front of my coworkers. Megan, this is over. Done. Finished. See this? Take a good look. I'm in the paper for goodness sakes. MEGAN Ugh! What? Some neighborhood rag that maybe ten people will ever see? KATE They saw it. Anyway, I told 'em that I'm not getting married. So, this is it. It's over. MEGAN No, Kate. It's not over. Not until we tell the wedding people. And we'll do that after we have our fun. Look, Kate, you agreed to do this. Come on. KATE Yeah. That was before my coworkers found out that I'm marrying my sister's fiancé. MEGAN Oh, they don't know who Dave is. KATE They will in two weeks when they see you two in the paper, cutting wedding cake. MEGAN So? They'll just think he moves fast and that I'm a tramp. Look, I'm leaving anyway, remember? KATE I'm not. I have to deal with this. Look, Megan, I Iove you, but you are 26. It is time for you to grow up. MEGAN You mean be like you? KATE What's that supposed to mean? What, you don't wanna be boring, sensible, and afraid of commitment? Geez, what's so bad about that? MEGAN The only thing worse would be an irresponsible, immature girl who'd marry a man she's only known for six months. Sounds great. Sign me up. MEGAN I did. This is ridiculous. I can't believe we're arguing about it. MEGAN Ugh! I know! Look. If you wanna call it quits and break poor Dave's heart, do it. At least we had one fun day. Well, I did tell the truth about me not getting married. So, if you're gonna guilt-trip me into having fun, you better go get my future ex-husband. MEGAN Um, yeah. Before he dumps us both. KARI I'm sorry. But if you don't have an appointment with Mr. Hines, you can't see him today. He'll wanna see me. Mr. Hines! MEGAN This is gonna be great. I have thought this all through. KATE Dave, you really gonna pretend to be Raoul DeCrendeza? Sae, Sanorita. No prolemo, love. DAVE What? A subtle hint of Aussie pokin' through? KATE Oh. Just a wee bit there, mate. MEGAN Uh, actually, Dave and I have come up with a plan. Right, honey bunny? DAVE Right, Pooky bear. KATE And what is that plan? MEGAN A good one. Just let me do the talking. KATE Ah. That's how I got into this mess in the first place. So, please tell me the plan. MEGAN I can't believe you don't trust me. Look, when we go in there, Dave, I mean, Raoul... speaks no English. KATE Oh. Right, and then how do we talk to him? MEGAN Oh. DAVE Yeah. MEGAN Should've made him a mute. Then we could have used sign language. DAVE S'truth, that's a right bright idea. DAVE Wait, what? It is! So, what do we do now? Ah, come on, love. It doesn't matter. This photographer bloke won't care. KATE No English it is. MEGAN Why, thank you. MEGAN Hello? Andy? Come on, guys. It's gonna be great. Uh, anybody here? Hello. ANDY Yeah, be right there. MEGAN Oh. ANDY Hi. MEGAN Hi, I'm Megan. ANDY I remember. Hi, Megan. And, uh, hi, Kate. KATE Yes, hi. ANDY Good to see you again. You must be Raoul. Tell me, how does it feel? To be the winner of a 100,000-dollar wedding? MEGAN Raoul does not speak any English. ANDY Oh. Yo hablo Espanol. MEGAN Or Spanish. ANDY Really? That must prove difficult working in Mexico, saving children. MEGAN Uh, yeah. Look, we're in a bit of a rush. So... ANDY Oh, yes. The pictures. Right? Yeah, well, hey. I saw you guys walking in. Took the liberty of just grabbing a few candids. Got one here that's, I think, really special. KATE Huh. This is gonna be one interesting wedding album. MEGAN Um, yes. You see, um, in Raoul's country, uh, men kiss the bride's sister. KATE Megan. ANDY Oh. KATE Give it a rest, okay? We're busted. DAVE Yeah, I reckon so. Sorry, mate. Feel like a bloody fool now. ANDY Oh. I mean, he speaks kinda English. Hi. Andy. Where you from? DAVE Australia. Dave Whyte. DAVE Megan and I are getting married. MEGAN Mm. KATE And I am not. But I think I told you that at the fair, didn't I? ANDY Yes. KATE Well, he must think we're idiots. Or crazy. Or both. ANDY Actually, I'm just more curious as to why you even entered the contest. KATE Oh, I didn't. No. MEGAN Look. I never thought that she would win. And when she did, I thought, "Meh, we'll just have some fun, and maybe she'll meet a nice guy." KATE I was only gonna do it for two weeks. That's how long Megan and Dave are in town for. And then I was gonna have a breakup. And then they could pick someone else. MEGAN Look, we didn't mean any harm. Right? We were just having fun. So, please don't turn her in now. ANDY Oh. Like, to the marriage police? "Drop the ring. Come out with your hands up." KATE So, you're not mad? ANDY No, not at all. This is hilarious. You guys are great. I mean, I got a warped sense of humor, so as far as I'm concerned, you can just milk this, like, as long as you need to. MEGAN Really? ANDY Yeah. MEGAN Hmm. Well... ...in that case... KATE No! No. KATE Two weeks. This has been stressful enough. I feel like I'm actually getting married. DAVE You got that right. No offense, mate, but what's with all the bloody fooferall? Matching bloody teacups and napkins. Christ. Me and Megs are having a simple, quickie wedding, and it's still a nightmare. MEGAN Uh, thanks a lot. DAVE You know what I mean. What should be so simple usually turns into a cocked-up footy scrum-bash. KATE What? MEGAN I don't know. But, uh, I'm gonna buy a book. ANDY I think what he's trying to say is, correct me if I'm wrong, you want, like, a more simple wedding, like, Vegas-style? Just 50 bucks, five minutes, you're out, or 50 bucks? MEGAN Oh, hey, look. A wedding is every woman's once-in-a-lifetime special day. There should be roses. There should be candles. And doves. MEGAN And it should be romantic. Right, Kate? KATE Well, seeing as I'm having a 100,000-dollar wedding, I agree. MEGAN Katey, if you find the right guy now, you'll be quite the catch. KATE Except he'll have to marry me in a few months. DAVE And we all know how well quickie marriages turn out. KATE We're wasting your time. Very sorry to bother you. But it was very nice to have met you. ANDY It was nice to have met you as well. And you're not bothering me at all. In fact, Kate... I mean, uh, are you into tall, handsome me? DAVE She is, mate. But I'm taken. ANDY Okay. Well, I work with models all the time. So, I was thinking, what if I just spoke to a few of them, and told them that, you know, they would be part of this dream wedding campaign. Right? And you just need to pretend to be a groom for two weeks. I mean, a lot of them would probably come out for free just to get their faces on there. MEGAN Uh, yeah. KATE I don't know. ANDY It's not a bad way to meet somebody. MEGAN Oh, my God. It's a great idea. Look, Katey. Look at these hunks. They're gorgeous. MEGAN Just like you, honey. MEGAN All right, let's pick a hottie. KATE Oh, come on, Megs. I mean, I can't just-- Wow. He's fit. KATE Wow, he's fit. MEGAN Uh, yeah. ANDY Uh, Glenn. KATE Glenn? ANDY Yeah, Glenn. Yeah, he's a fitness and sport model. But, uh, he... Uh-uh. KATE No. ANDY No. Trust me. MEGAN Ooh, what about him? Or him. KATE Mm-hmm. MEGAN Or him. Or him. Or him. DAVE Babe, babe. I think she can only choose one. This coming from the guy marrying two sisters. KATE Okay, guys, guys. I don't know about this. I mean, yes, they are very good-looking. I'm attracted to someone with a good sense of humor, and someone I can actually talk to. MEGAN Ugh! God, Katey. What's wrong with you? You're driving me crazy. ANDY You know, Kate, I wouldn't judge a handsome book by its cover too quickly. I mean, a lot of these guys are students. Premed, prelaw. Actually, pretty bright. MEGAN And they're hot! MEGAN Look, Katey. You so totally have to do this. Please. Please. I guess. Maybe. MEGAN Yay! We can double-date. DAVE So, Biff, how much weight did you lift today? A small country? Belgium? Uh, either way, we still have to be kind of careful. Some of them are married. Some of them have girlfriends. And then some of them are married with girlfriends. Yeah, I don't know how that works. KATE Hello. BEN Kate Wilde? Bob Hines. Hi. Listen, Kate. I was just wondering, have you and Raoul had a chance to get to the studio and get those pictures taken yet? KATE Uh, no. KATE No. No, we haven't just yet. Would you-- do you mind holding on just a second? Ah, it's the magazine guy. He wants if we took the pictures yet. I really don't like this. ANDY Bob Hines. KATE Yeah. ANDY You mind if I take it? Bob, hey. It's Andy Swenson here. Uh, listen, can you call back? I am literally just about to shoot Kate and her fiancé right now. Yeah, with a camera. Yeah. KATE Hmm. ANDY No. Yeah. They're a wonderful couple. Yeah. No, not a problem. Yeah, absolutely. I'll email you as soon as I have the images. Yeah. Okay. Bye. ANDY Well, I mean, it's possible that he suspects something. Either way, we should probably pick you a groom real quick. KATE No, no, no. If he suspects something, I really don't wanna get you into trouble. ANDY Ah, no skin off my back. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, you came in, I shot you and your fiancé, and he happens to be a model. MEGAN Yeah. Look, what's the big deal? You're gonna break up with this guy in two weeks anyway. ANDY Unless my mail-order husband plan works. ANDY Pick a dude. BOB Sorry, Joanna. But our photographer Andy Swenson says that Kate and Raoul were at the studio, getting their pictures taken as we speak. JOANNE And I'm telling you that that is a crock. This chick ain't getting married. Okay? Just... listen again. BOB Oh, please. BOB Let's go out for pride. JOANNA What? No! No, that is not what she is saying. BOB I'm sorry, Joanne. I don't know what they're saying. I... I don't know who these people are. All I see are feet. And quite frankly, dear, I don't know who you are. Okay? So, I don't wanna be rude, but I think it's time that you left. All right? JOANNE If I can prove it, will you give me the prize? BOB What? KARI Mr. Hines, uh-- JOANNA Shh, shh, shh. JOANNE Do we have a deal? BOB Sure. Yeah. JOANNE Yes! BOB Mm-hmm. JOANNA Yes? BOB You win. JOANNE Yes. BOB You bet. JOANNA Yes. BOB Yep. Mm-hmm. JOANNE Yes. BOB Sure. JOANNE Yes. Yes. Andy Swenson. Yes. Yes. Out of the way! KARI You have a call on line two. And I need you to make a decision on these fabrics really quick. BOB Uh, Kari. Get that to the printers, please. KARI Oh. Okay.Yeah. DAVE Ah, as much fun as this is, Megan and I still have some visa work to sort out. So, if you'll excuse us... MEGAN Um... I'll take this for you, Katey. I'll help you out. DAVE I'm sure she can handle it. MEGAN Uh, really. It's not a problem. KATE Oh. Hmm. DAVE Andy. It was nice to meet you, Andy. ANDY Mm, you, too. DAVE You're a good sport. Kate. KATE Bye. DAVE I'll see you later. ANDY Yeah. Megan. I'm gonna need that back. MEGAN Um... ANDY Thank you. ANDY I'll need the other one, too. ANDY Thank you. MEGAN Have fun. ANDY You want lunch? KATE Yeah. ANDY You like soup and a sandwich? I mean, it's not fancy, but it's free. KATE Sure. ANDY Follow me. MEGAN Aw, that was nice of him to do that for Kate. What? DAVE Come on, love. You think if your sister looked like a wallaby's backside, he'd be doing this? That bloke fancies her. Wants to give her the hard words. MEGAN The what? DAVE The hard words. I don't know what they bloody well call it in this country. But down under, you put the hard words to a Shelia you like. I cannot go to Australia. I do not speak that language. DAVE I had to learn Megan. "Like, oh, my God. It's so totally awesome. Bye!" So... are you telling me that when we first met, you put the hard words to me. DAVE Oh, love. It's just an expression. MEGAN Well, it doesn't sound very romantic. And it makes me wonder what kind of country we'll be living in. DAVE Trust me. You'll love it in Oz. You'll never wanna come back. KATE And then they called my name, and I just about had a heart attack. And then I realized, "No, I can't die yet. I gave to strangle Megan first." Well, I remember thinking, 'Wait a minute. She just told me she was single, like, 15 minutes ago." ANDY "How'd she meet a guy so fast?" But don't worry, I'm used to that. I've women on death row tell me, "You know what, Andy... I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." KATE Um... ANDY I'm kidding. She wasn't on death row yet. ANDY Now, I got a twisted sense of humor. I told you that, remember? That's probably why I'm still single. I know. Huge shock. Huge. KATE Actually, I am surprised. No, really. I mean, you're funny, you're very nice. ANDY Oh. Not that word. KATE What word? ANDY Nice. KATE Oh. ANDY Yeah. That's usually followed by the dropping of an F-bomb. Friends. KATE Oh. ANDY Come on. You know it's true. Right? "Hey, Andy, you're really nice. Let's just be friends." It's a zone Yep. Women want the bad boy. KATE What? That's not true. ANDY Really? Okay. Please look at Exhibit A. Look at his face. Exhibit A, B, and C. None of them are smiling. ANDY They're all going for this police lineup look. Okay? They're like, "Hey, baby. You wanna go on a date? We could end up in the back of a cop car. And we'll write a song about it." KATE That sounds very appealing. ANDY But it sells. Listen. Bad boys are exciting. Right? Nice guys are not. Women want the challenge of taming the bad boy. Nice guy, they're already tame. There's no challenge. KATE Okay. Well, what about bad girls? ANDY What about 'em? Other than... well, God bless 'em. I think that men want the, uh-- the bad girl. That was good. KATE Thanks. You know what? I think, most men are just trying to get a girl. And it's hard, good or bad. KATE Well, if you feel that way, Andy, then why don't you just become a bad boy? ANDY You know what? I try. KATE How? ANDY I drink straight out of the carton. KATE Come on. ANDY Yeah. Don't even use the glass. ANDY I'll have an after 800 dinner mint at 530. I don't care. KATE Oh. ANDY Yeah. KATE Okay. ANDY You know what? I'm gonna try the face. Brace yourself. KATE Okay. ANDY Left hand... KATE That's terifying. KATE What? ANDY I can't do it. KATE Good! Women don't want a bad guy. The problem is that most nice guys are too shy to ask us out. ANDY Well-- KATE Trust me, Andy. Stay the way you are. ANDY Uh-huh. KATE No, I'm serious. Women want a man like you. ANDY So, you noticed how I put him in front? KATE Mm-hmm. ANDY Yeah. She was nine months pregnant. Oh. ANDY Practically had to use a fisheye lens to take the picture. ANDY Yeah. They would not speak to each other. KATE Mm. ANDY Mm. Not even sure if they're together anymore. I mean, God only knows how many of these couples are still together. See, marriage in and of itself is beautiful. The marriage industry, ooh, that's another machine. I mean, what kind of business can survive in a 50 percent failure rate? But it just keeps on thrivin'. KATE It's the repeat business that keeps it going. ANDY How about yourself? You ever been married? KATE No. How about you? ANDY No. KATE I could've been married twice. But I backed out both times. ANDY Why? Were they nice? KATE Sorry. I'm sorry. It's a family habit. I can't help myself. ANDY Okay. I think I understand now why you didn't marry those men. ANDY They didn't survive the engagement. JOANNE Mm. Kate and Raoul getting pictures taken today? JOANNE I don't think so. ANDY Hey, you know what? Uh... where am I? Maybe you'd be interested in meeting Paul. ANDY You know, he's a fitness instructor. KATE Hmm. ANDY Pretty smart when it comes to fitness. Uh, anyway, he's five minutes away. You wanna go meet him? KATE You-- you mean today, like, now? ANDY Yeah. Today, like, now. KATE Oh. No, no, no, no. I mean, I'm dressed for work. Not to meet someone. ANDY You look great. KATE Uh... not today. ANDY Um, you don't have much time. I mean, you got two weeks before you have to break up with someone. KATE I know. I know. But... what if he says, "No." ANDY To pretending to marry you? What kind of guy would say, "No" to that? ANDY No, come on. Come on. It's not far. Come on. ANDY I mean, he's a physical trainer. But he's not like a mean fitness guy. He's not like, "Hey, your earlobes are soft and squishy. Get down. Give me 1,000 push-ups. Do it!" KATE I never thought about them before. Another thing to worry about when I meet him. Thanks a lot. ANDY You're okay. KATE Andy, I don't usually go for the macho man type. Never have. ANDY Okay. Okay, I got a plan. ANDY All right. I'll go in first. And I'll talk to him. All right? You just check him out from a distance. And if you don't want me to introduce you, then you give me a signal. KATE Okay. Like... this. ANDY Yeah. That works. So, if you do that, then I won't introduce you. KATE Okay. So, if I don't like him, I do this. ANDY Uh-huh. KATE But what if I do like him? ANDY Just come over, and say, "Hi," or talk to him, or tackle him. KATE Okay. ANDY Okay. KATE All right. ANDY All right, let's do this. KATE All right. Wait, they are soft and squishy! ANDY He's never not here, so... KATE Okay. ANDY There he is. ANDY Hey, Paul. PAUL Yo, Andy! What's up, dawg? So, bro, you chillin'? You maxin', relaxin' or what? ANDY Yeah, just maxed and relaxed. And all cool. Shooting some balls up. Yeah. Uh, you know what? It was good to see you. I'm gonna go. PAUL Oh, hi. KATE Hi. Hello. ANDY Uh, hi. P... Paul Thompson. This is Kate Wilde. PAUL Hi, Kate. It's nice to meet you. KATE Hi, Paul. PAUL Oh, is this a shoot? Where's your camera? ANDY No, no. I'm... I'm not working, no. PAUL Oh. I didn't think you were a model. Well, I mean, you're not just for a booty call. And you don't have that fake, bored, "Why is everybody staring at me" look on your face. KATE Oh. No. PAUL So, what brings you two in? KATE Andy. ANDY Um... ANDY Yeah? KATE Yeah. ANDY Yeah. Paul, listen. Uh, this could come across really... awesome. This could be awesome. Hey, would you be interested in pretending to be Kate's fiancé? I mean, you'd have a fake name, of course, right? Like, uh... Raoul Decradenza. Yeah. JOANNE What are you two up to? PAUL Kinda like acting in a play. ANDY Yeah. KATE Mm. PAUL I'll be the groom and she's the bride. ANDY Yeah. I mean, unless you wanna switch roles. We could lengthen the dress, shorten the pants. I mean, would your girlfriend or... or wife mind? PAUL Oh, no, no, no. They wouldn't care. KATE Hmm. PAUL I'm just kidding. I'm single. KATE Oh! PAUL So, Raoul DiCredenza. ANDY Uh-huh. Yep. PAUL Yeah, that could be cool. I am an actor. I do a little bit of bit parts. You know, this bit, like that bit, like this bit. PAUL Yeah, body doubling, you know? ANDY Yeah. Paul's been an ass in a couple films now. KATE Oh. PAUL So, two weeks, huh? KATE Sure, if you want. PAUL Sorry? KATE Oh. I mean, yes. Until my sister leaves, and then we break up. PAUL Hmm. All right, let's do it. It'd be fun. Besides, we wouldn't have to go through with the real deal. KATE Oh, no. Well... no. PAUL Oh, Kate. You look at now, but two weeks with me, maybe you'll get in better shape, right? KATE Oh. ANDY We're gonna go. Um, yeah. Thanks. PAUL That was quick. ANDY Yeah. PAUL Next time. ANDY Yeah. KATE Bye, Paul. ANDY Yeah. PAUL Yeah, later. Raoul DiCredenza. PAUL Yeah. KATE "Might get in better shape"? What did he mean by that? ANDY It's his job. He trains people. He shouldn't have said that. I mean, he said you looked good, though. Right? So, other than that, what did you think? Well, other than calling me fat... yeah, he's nice. ANDY Oh. Well, I guess when you're a Viking warrior guy you can afford to be nice. KATE Well, we'll see. I mean, yes, he is very attractive, but I don't judge a man based on looks alone. ANDY Oh. Uh, Kate. KATE Yeah. Yeah. MEGAN Okay. Start from the beginning. KATE He is so beautiful. Incredible eyes, amazing smile. MEGAN And his bod? KATE Oh, my God. MEGAN Wow! KATE He's like the statue of David. MEGAN Except with arms. KATE That's the Venus de Milo. MEGAN Oh, whatever. Tell me more. KATE Okay. Well, you know how I hate when guys are like, "Yo, dawg! What's up, bro?" MEGAN Oh, yeah. KATE Wel, he did that, and I just stood there, smiling in a daze, like-- MEGAN Like you've lost your mind and became me? Exactly. KATE Megs, this is ridiculous. This is just a physical attraction that isn't going anywhere. I mean, the smartest thing I can do is simply walk away and never look back. MEGAN So, when are you seeing him? Noon tomorrow. So, we have to go shopping, like, now. MEGAN I know the perfect place. KATE Mm. KATE Andy! Andy, it's Kate. ANDY Uh, yeah. Yeah. Hi. KATE Hi. ANDY Wow. Uh, you look beautiful. KATE Oh, thanks. Is Paul here yet? ANDY No. KATE Good. What? ANDY Nothing. TRISH Kate isn't here right now. I can take a message. Your name is? JOANNE Oh, no. That's okay. It's not about work. I just wanted to make sure that I had the right Kate Wilde to send a wedding present to. This is her. Correct? TRISH Yes. Yes, that's Kate. JOANNE Oh. JOANNE So, you've seen this before? TRISH Sure have. Big surprise. JOANNE Really? Um... why? TRISH Well... JOANNE Uh-huh. TRISH The first time any of us heard... JOANNE Uh-huh. Uh-huh. TRISH Uh, sorry. How do you know Kate? JOANNE Oh. Oh, damn thing. Really. Just never stops. Um... I gotta take this. So, I'm gonna come back later. Thanks, little girl. KATE Maybe he changed his mind. ANDY I don't know. Maybe his battery died. I don't know. KATE Did you take these? ANDY Yeah. Yeah, it's my more artsy side. Too bad it doesn't pay the bills, huh? KATE They're beautiful. ANDY Oh, thank you. I tend to use film for a lot of them just 'cause it has a better look, you know? KATE Huh. You still use film? ANDY Yeah, absolutely. I mean, every time I go in, all the photographers, the young guys, they're always like, "I thought an asteroid took you all out." I'm like, "No." ANDY Just let me buy the film, please. So, then I go out into the wild, and I don't know, I just shoot. I love it. I live for it. KATE It must be great to have something that you're so passionate about. ANDY Yeah. Sometimes, it costs a lot. KATE Hmm. ANDY Don't worry. He's coming. KATE You sure? ANDY Oh, yeah. I got a shiny camera light setup. Guaranteed. He's on his way. DAVE I start work on Monday. So, it'll be a short honeymoon. But I reckon Christmas break, we can hit Bondi. Beautiful bonzer beach. You'll love it. MEGAN A beach at Christmas? DAVE Love, you'll be roasting. MEGAN But Christmas is supposed to be cold and snowing. DAVE Not back home, it isn't. Ah, sunblock and a floppy hat. No worries. MEGAN Um... I've been thinking. DAVE Oi. What now, love? What if... after we get married, we go to Australia... later? DAVE Honey, you know we can't go back later. Even with us married, I still have to leave this country. MEGAN But I can come later. MEGAN Of course, I'm still gonna come and meet you. It's just... not quite yet. Look, I love you. And I wanna be your wife. But-- DAVE You're a little nervous. MEGAN I'm a lot nervous. If I lose one more nerve, I go up to panic. DAVE And when would you come join me? How long would it take for you to be ready? MEGAN I... I don't know. What if we go to Hawaii? It's a state. It's about halfway. I looked at a map. DAVE Megan, I understand. It's a big change and a big move. But... we can't get married, and then live on two different bloody continents. I love you. And I want you on that plane beside me as my wife. So... you have to decide. KATE He is so rude. He's not coming. ANDY He's coming. I just turned the light on. I have a craft table. PAUL Hey, guys! Sorry, I'm late. ANDY Yeah. PAUL Just really wanted to rock it for your photos. KATE Oh. You are rocking it. PAUL Thanks. ANDY All right. PAUL Speakin' of hittin' it, Andy, thought you said Kate over here wasn't a model. ANDY Oh, she's not. She was here on time. KATE Oh, Andy. Come on. No, I don't care. It's totally fine. I'm ready. ANDY All right. KATE Oh, wow. What is that cologne? It smells fantastic. PAUL That's Contraction. . ANDY Oh. PAUL Contraception. Ah, something like that. ANDY Contradiction? PAUL Yeah, that's it. ANDY Yeah, I'm wearing it right now. PAUL This one time, I did, uh, department store publicity thing for them. KATE Oh. PAUL You know, spray some people as they're walking by. KATE Mm-hmm. PAUL I was in the suit and tie. The girls, they're dressed like Hooters girls. That's hardly sexist, huh? ANDY Yeah. PAUL Yeah. They were telling the guys, "Wear this and you'll get the lucky lady." And to the girls, "Wear this and you'll get a rich guy." KATE Ah. ANDY Ah, I should probably stop wearing that stuff then. KATE You were wearing a suit and tie? PAUL Yeah. KATE Oh. PAUL Anyway, they gave me a bucket of this stuff. You guys want some, you let me know. ANDY Okay. PAUL So, what are we doing today? ANDY Ah, happy couple shots. PAUL Oh. ANDY Yeah. KATE Whoa! ANDY Whoa! ANDY Uh, okay. Uh... PAUL Like this? ANDY Uh, yeah. PAUL I do these romance novel shoots. You know, the hair-flying Barbarian and the Princess stuff. ANDY Yeah. KATE Oh. Do you... do you like that stuff? PAUL Oh, it's okay. KATE Hmm. PAUL It's weird 'cause they just take my photos and turn them into drawings. KATE Oh. Do you enjoy that stuff or... PAUL Depends on how hot the girl is. Half the time, they were fresh outta high school. Not much to talk about. KATE Oh. PAUL Besides, I'm standing there in my underwear, holding this plastic sword. Feeling like a tool. ANDY Yeah, I bet. PAUL So, what do you do? KATE Um, real estate legal work. Compare to what you do, it's boring. PAUL Ah, but you got brains. You're smart! Me, I, uh, get a pimple or slack off from training, I'm out of work. ANDY Speaking of work, just right into the lens, please. Right here. ANDY And... uh, Paul, you gotta smile. Okay? Ah, there it is. Happy couple. PAUL Sorry, I'm not used to smilin'. Everybody wants that bad-boy look, you know? KATE Oh. ANDY Yeah, Kate doesn't like bad boys. KATE No. ANDY Okay. PAUL So, hey. Tilt your head backward and smile. KATE All right. PAUL And let the light sparkle in your eyes, and... KATE Oh. PAUL ...reduce the shadows. KATE Ah. PAUL Ah. ANDY There it is. Okay, next. Just back up, you're in my light. KATE Oh, I'm so sorry. PAUL Oh, no. You're doing great. KATE Oh. PAUL You're doing great. KARI Mr. Hines? BOB Yes, Kari. KARI It's Joanne McKenzie again. The wedding conspiracy lady. BOB Tell her I'm busy. KARI She said she'll wait all day. BOB Tell her I'm busy all day. I should get danger pay. JOANNE And nobody at her work knew until they saw that picture in the paper. JOANNE Okay? Because she wasn't getting married until she won that contest. She was just pretending. You get that? KARI Yes. Yes, yes, ma'am. Sorry, I just have to-- JOANNA Just read it back to me. Okay? Just read it back to me. All of it. I wanna make sure you didn't screw it up before your boss gets this. Hello? Hello? Hello? JOANNE You won't be smiling when I rain all over your cheating parade. PAUL A quarter turn to the right. KATE Oh. PAUL Show a slight profile. KATE Okay. PAUL And lean back to tighten the abs. ANDY Okay. That looks... Um, okay. We're not selling underwear, though. PAUL I know, sorry. PAUL Hey. I've been thinking about this Raoul guy. KATE Hmm. PAUL Yeah. I'm seeing him as a sort of adventurer. KATE Oh. PAUL He's got this look. Like he's always on the lookout for danger. ANDY Well, what if he was always on the lookout for Kate Wilde? PAUL Yeah! You know, maybe just really wanted to get to know her, and then talk with her, and maybe one day, marry her. ANDY Yeah. Use that. PAUL Oh, sorry. I thought you were kidding. ANDY No. You know what? Just look at her the way that he's looking at you. PAUL Like this? KATE Mm-hmm. ANDY Yeah. JOANNE So, she's single. Oh, congratulations in quotation marks. And then wink, wink. Oh. Soon I'll be sippin' on champagne. JOANNE Mm! What else we got? ANDY Nice. Okay, next. Okay. Uh, I'm gonna go have a look at those. I'll be back. PAUL Great, huh? That rocked. KATE Yeah. It was great. PAUL Awesome. Oh. KATE Oh! PAUL Bye. KATE Bye. MEGAN Hey Kate. KATE He kissed me! MEGAN Um, where? I need deets. KATE In the photo shop. MEGAN No, no. I mean, where? Like mouth or cheek? KATE Uh, mouth. MEGAN Open or closed? KATE Closed. MEGAN For how long? Did it linger? KATE No. But it wasn't like wham bam either. But just hang on a second. Um, Andy? ANDY Yeah. KATE Uh, thank you so much for today. I have to get going. But I'll see you tomorrow? ANDY Uh, yeah. KATE Okay. ANDY Oh. KATE Where are ya? I'm coming over. ANDY Bye. "Thanks for everything, Andy. It was a fun shoot." MEGAN So, were his eyes open? KATE I think so. It happened fast. But we spent 20 minutes holding each other. KATE Ugh! He smelled so good. KATE And looking into each other's eyes... Oh! He has beautiful eyes. What if he was just acting? Playing a part. Like, he was supposed to kiss me, so he did. But he didn't actually mean it. MEGAN Well, did he say anything before the kiss? KATE Um, "Thank you. That was fun." MEGAN And after? KATE Uh, see you later. See you around. Something like that. The blood was kinda roaring in my ears. Now, I know what people feel like when they get hit by lightening. But we are meeting tomorrow, and doing a shoot at a tuxedo shop. MEGAN A shoot, hey? Is that what you and Cindy, and Tyra call these things? KATE Megs, please. This isn't funny. He's gonna show up looking fantastic, and I'm gonna look like some tongue-tied idiot with fat earlobes. MEGAN Uh, fat what? KATE Ugh, Megs. Supermodels are the most beautiful people on the planet. Of course, they kiss each other all the time. I mean, why wouldn't they? So, maybe in their world, it doesn't mean anything. MEGAN Kate. A kiss always means something. KATE Yeah, to us, it does. But he's probably already forgotten this kiss that you and I are dissecting to death. I'm coming over right now. MEGAN Okay. KATE Okay. MEGAN Who is it? KATE It's me, you putz. Let me in. KATE What's wrong? MEGAN Nothing. I'm fine. Don't look at me like that, Kate. Everything's all right. KATE You and Dave? KATE Aw, Megs. Oh. KATE It's okay. KATE Kate Wilde, legal department. JOANNE Kate. Hi, it's Kari. Assistant to Mr. Hines of Calgary Modern Wedding magazine. Your business gave me this work number. KATE Um, okay. JOANNE Okay. We're having trouble reaching Andy Swenson for... for a photo assignment. Are you gonna be seeing him today or tomorrow? KATE Um, tomorrow morning at Topman's. Topman's. Uh, great. Good. We will give him a call when you're done. Have fun! KATE Okay, thank you. Bye. JOANNE Oh, but you won't be having fun. I bet Mummy and Daddy don't know nothin' from nothin' about any of this. KATE Ugh! Twenty minutes late, and he takes forever to get ready. ANDY Yeah. You get used to waitin' on models. I can go get him if you want. PAUL Sorry, you two. It's been a while since I've been draped in gold. KATE Oh. PAUL Am I hittin' this or what? KATE Uh, yes, you are. Oh, my God. KATE Oh, my gosh. Mom, Dad, what are you doing here? VALERIE For the pictures. KATE What pictures? ALLAN The ones with your fiancé. When the heck were you gonna tell us? KATE Uh, excuse me. What... what's going on? How did you know I was here? VALERIE A woman called us from the marriage magazine. ALLAN Said you won some contest. And that we're to come here. VALERIE And get our pictures taken. Oh, we didn't believe it at first. ALLAN Until we saw that picture on the Internet. KATE Uh, picture? Uh, what picture on the Internet? ALLAN Ah, some little paper's website. VALERIE Oh, that lady told us how to find it. KATE Oh. Uh, but... but why didn't you call me? ALLAN She asked us not to. VALERIE Said this was to be a big surprise. KATE Oh, yes. It is. ALLAN I tried calling Megan. And she's not answering her cell. KATE Ah. Well, um, would you two just excuse me, just for one second? VALERIE Okay. KATE Oh, okay. KATE We need to talk. ANDY Uh, are those your parents? KATE Uh, the people I called Mom and Dad? Yeah, they're my parents! ANDY Oh, they're awesome. What are they doing here? KATE I don't know. But supposedly, you're taking their photo later. ANDY I am? I don't know anything about that. JOANNE Karma, honey. When you lie and cheat, it bites you in the butt. VALERIE How did you two meet? PAUL You two don't... What has Kate told you about us? ALLAN Nothing. VALERIE By the way, may I say, you are very handsome. VALERIE Are you a model? PAUL I am. And a fitness trainer. I am also a treasure hunter in Central America. VALERIE Oh, really? Wow. ALLAN Where in Central America? Oh PAUL Oh. All of it. VALERIE Oh. PAUL It's a pleasure to meet you two. It's-- Unfortunately, my parents couldn't be here. They were killed during the revolution. VALERIE Oh, my heavens. ALLAN My Lord! Which revolution? PAUL Latest one. There are so many. KATE Well, the magazine called me earlier, asking for you, so I know that you talked to them. ANDY I never talked to the magazine. I swear. KATE Okay. Well, someone told my parents. And if it wasn't you, or me, or Megs, or Paul, who... Oh, gosh, Paul. PAUL Diving in the shipwreck. Sharks everywhere. KATE Uh, Paul? Paul. What... what are you doing? PAUL Just talking with your lovely parents here. You know, Paul's the English translation of my real name. VALERIE Raoul was telling us all about his adventures. Really? ALLAN A model, a fitness trainer, and a treasure hunter. You sure our Kate won't be a little bit too dull for you? KATE Thanks, Dad. Uh, Paul, can I just talk to you for a second? PAUL Of course, darling. KATE I'll be right back. Okay. What do you think you're doing? PAUL Being Raoul. You asked me to. KATE Well, not for my parents. PAUL Why not? Why does it matter? We're breaking up soon anyway. PAUL That reminds me. What if Raoul dies? He's fightin' the rebels. KATE Paul. PAUL Okay, okay. A simple breakup works, too. KATE Look. I just can't lie to my parents about getting married. PAUL You're not. We're not. Come on. Just let me be Raoul for a little bit. Katey, I work in a sweaty, stinky gym all day. It sucks like... dead ducks. Give me this little bit of a fantasy. I agreed to give you yours. Right? Just tell your parents that you won a contest. And then met me. And we're just figuring things out. That's all true so far. PAUL Come on. I'm enjoying this time, especially with you. KATE Oh. Hugging, kissing? PAUL Please? ALLAN Everything all right? KATE Uh, yep, yep. Yes, it's good. Just one... just one second. Okay. VALERIE So, how did you two meet? KATE Um-- PAUL Katherine, if I may. We, uh, met after I returned from under the sea treasure hunting for Cortez's gold. KATE Mm-hmm. You know, Paul-- Raoul, I don't think that my parents are really interested in-- VALERIE Oh, we are very interested. So, have you ever found any treasures? PAUL I have, yes. PAUL It's the most precious one. Your daughter. VALERIE Oh! PAUL Now, where was I? Ah! Montezuma's gold. KATE Oh, great story. You guys talk. ALLAN I thought it was Cortez's gold. PAUL There is a lot of it. KATE I can't believe I agreed to this. I need my head examined. ANDY Well, hey, I mean, your parents seem to be quite taken by Captain Jack Sparrow over there. ANDY And you seem to be doing quite well yourself, lass. KATE With Raoul, yeah. With Paul, I have no idea, Andy. It's driving me crazy. I mean, he wouldn't be doing Raoul if he was serious about me. Raoul and I are breaking up in two weeks. ANDY Or maybe he just-- KATE And he's just-- You know, he's kissed me twice now, and then he said he's enjoying this and... and me. You know, I... I just need to talk to someone. ANDY Sure. KATE Excuse me. Megs, pick up.HEER Her phone's been off for two hours. What could she possibly be doing? ANDY I don't know. KATE Oh, Megs! About time. Listen. MEGAN No, no. No. Me first. Dave and I are getting married. KATE Uh, duh. I know that. MEGAN No. I mean, like, we're getting married this Sunday. Civil ceremony. Ten o'clock. Bridgewood hall. KATE Oh. Sunday, like, in a few days from now? MEGAN Yes. We spent all morning arranging it. And right after that, we're gonna go on a week-long honeymoon in Hawaii. KATE Oh. But I thought you guys couldn't afford that. We can't. But... we've gotta do this. MEGAN Kate, the wedding stress was just tearing us apart. And we forgot the most important thing. Just... us, being together. So, for seven days, we're gonna kickback, relax, and just be happy. MEGAN But I can't talk right now. Uh, I've gotta call Mom and Dad. KATE Oh. Well, I can do that for you. Uh, they're here with me and Paul. MEGAN What? KATE Look. It's a long story. I don't have time. I have to go. ANDY Yeah. Kate, hey. Uh, Raoul was just telling us about how he nearly escaped with his life from a giant boulder, and it was kinda like a movie. KATE I'm sure it was. Uh, listen, everybody. I have big news. Wedding this Sunday. ALLAN Huh. KATE Yeah. It's a little rushed. But seven-day honeymoon in Hawaii. JOANNE Honeymoon in Hawaii? KATE It's at 1000 a.m. Bridgewood. JOANNE Mr. Hines? Mr. Hines? It's me! Joanne McKenzie. Remember? The one who discovered the fake dream wedding winners. BOB Yeah. JOANNE I just need a minute of your time. BOB Hang on, crazy woman. JOANNE Website said you were open till 900. BOB I'm coming. Don't break my door. JOANNE Yes. Kate knows that I'm onto her. That I'm getting closer and closer to discovering their little plot. BOB We have been through this before, lady-- JOANNE Just listen. JOANNE She's getting married this Sunday. Not in June. BOB What? JOANNE I heard it with my own two ears. So, I think she's gonna marry one of her friends. Go on a fantastic Hawaiian holiday, and then get a quickie divorce. You can come with me. See for yourself. Ask around. In fact, you can even ask Kate herself. BOB Joanne, goodbye, goodnight. Get out. JOANNE If you don't, I am going to go on tv. I'm gonna tell the papers that this contest is a fraud, and that you knew, and did nothing about it. And then I'm going to sue you and your little magazine. BOB Mm. And if I go along with you? JOANNE Oh. No lawyers, no paper, no TV. BOB No more you? JOANNE No me ever. Why would Kate want a cheapy civil ceremony when she could have your big, beautiful wedding? See what she says. BOB This Sunday? JOANNE Sunday. Ms. McKenzie. JOANNE Oh. DAVE You know, mate, I was the first Raoul DeCredenza. PAUL You were? DAVE Yeah. Got fired, though. Girls said I was too good-lookin'. Yeah, I hear that. After today, uh, I think Raoul's gonna disappear into the Amazon jungle or somethin'. ANDY Oh, smile. PAUL You should back up a little bit. Okay. Oh, that's great, yeah. MEGAN Oh, my God. He's gorgeous. KATE You mean your husband, of course. MEGAN Uh, yeah. MEGAN Of course. Okay. How do I look? KATE Oh. MEGAN Oh, Katey, don't make me cry. If my mascara runs, I'm gonna look like some goth chick. KATE You ready? MEGAN Let's do this. Okay. About time! Look! It's a jp, not a minister. Come on! Look, yeah, see. Little faker. Even had the nerve to wear white. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. JOANNE Well? BOB "Well," what? I see someone getting married. I see Andy taking pictures. JOANNE Yeah. Well, they're in on it. I saw them plotting together. BOB That's enough. Now, I kept up my end of the bargain. It's time for you to do the same. JOANNE No, no, no, no, no, no! Where are you going? BOB Home. I came, I saw, and I'm leaving. If that's what they truly want, I'm more than happy with it. JOANNE No, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait. You haven't talked to anybody. BOB Lady, you need help. Now, let go! Oh, fine! The prize is mine. And I'll prove it. JOANNE All right, sister! Tell me the truth! JOANNE Uh... who are you? And why are you over there? DAVE Are you bloody mad? Get out! ANDY Bob? Bob Hines, hi. Uh, what are you doing here? He's with me, here to expose this fraud. This is a fake wedding. MEGAN Uh, no. Actually, we are getting married. PAUL Uh, who is she? BOB Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Everybody, please. I'm terribly sorry. But this is a tragic mistake. JOANNE Ask them. Ask her. BOB Will you be quiet? You are so insane. Where are you going for your honeymoon? MEGAN We're going to Hawaii. BOB In which hotel? DAVE Uh, it's a youth hostel. BOB Well, not anymore. BOB You're staying in a five-star hotel. In a honeymoon suite. Everything's paid for. Food, drinks, all paid for. If you wanna drink champagne all day, and eat caviar all day, then by all means, you go ahead. MEGAN Oh, my gosh. DAVE Thanks, mate, whoever you are. BOB And you. We're leaving right now, or I'm calling the police. No. They might be getting married, but she's not. Ask her! BOB I am so sorry about all this. JOANNE It's just not fair. BOB Oh, it's not fair. Well, you're leaving right now. JOANNE She's not getting married in June. KATE Wait. KATE She's right. JOANNE I am? JOANNE I told you. I told you, I knew it. BOB Really? So, I get the prize, like we discussed. BOB Yes. JOANNE I get the dream wedding. BOB Yes. KATE You can have it. I don't need it. JOANNE Yes! Now, Myron can't say, "No" to me. I'm gonna call him right now. Ah! 'Cause he's such a cheap turd! BOB Wow. KATE Mr. Hines, no one else knew about this. It was all just me. And me. ANDY Me, too. DAVE Me, three. PAUL Uh, four. MEGAN Look, Kate. This is all my fault. You can take back the whole hotel thing. It doesn't really matter where we stay. BOB Is it all true? MEGAN Yes. ANDY Yeah. BOB And Raoul? Was he even real? PAUL Well, sort of. Uh, I'm Paul. But I play Raoul. BOB Well, hello, Raoul. KATE Mom and Dad, I'm so sorry. I'm not actually getting married. VALERIE I thought it might be too good to be true. ALLAN So, this is how many now? VALERIE Oh, stop it. MEGAN Dad! DAVE Runs in the bloody family. All right, everybody, Megan and I still have to get married. And we've got a plane to catch. So, somebody, lock the bloody door. And let's do this. MEGAN Yeah. Let's do this. JOANNE Here comes the bride, Myron! Pop the champagne, baby! KATE Well, cheers to my baby sister and her new husband. I hope they at least get matching bunk beds in the hostel. KATE Of course, they could have been at a five-star luxury hotel if I hadn't opened my big, fat mouth. ANDY Well, cheers to two big, fat mouths. Andy, you didn't have to do that. You know, I wish you hadn't. ANDY You say that now? They all look so handsome. ANDY Well, that's because the photographer is really, really good. KATE Oh. ANDY Yeah. I could probably hook you guys up. You're funny. And very sweet. Oh. Hello. PAUL What's up, Kate? It's Paul. KATE Oh, Paul. Hi. Uh, I'm just at Andy's. And we're looking at some wedding pictures. And having some wine. A lot of wine. PAUL Hey, Kate. I've been thinkin'. I really enjoy being Raul, and hangin' out with you. I was wonderin' if... KATE Yes? PAUL Well, if you wanna hang out some time. You know, nothing heavy. Keep it cool. And see where it goes. KATE Are you at the gym right now? Yeah. Low reps, a little cardio. You know, just workin' it. KATE Your gym is open at this hour? PAUL No, no, no, no. I'm alone. Hey, you wanna come by and work up a sweat? KATE You mean work up a sweat with no commitments? KATE Paul are you standing in front of a mirror with a spotlight on you right now? PAUL Can you see me? KATE No, I can't. Actually... I don't wanna come by and work up a sweat. PAUL Oh. Next time maybe? KATE Yeah. Later maybe. ANDY I overheard a little of that. You okay? KATE Yeah. I guess. ANDY What? KATE Hi. ANDY I, uh... I wrote something for you. So... I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna read it. Roses are red. And violets are blue. I thought I'd try on this bad boy jacket for you. ANDY I thought about strikin' a pose you know, or maybe changing my voice. Shaving my beard, but, uh to be honest, that still sounded weird. Oddly enough, I had a really good time, trying to find you another guy. But deep down inside... I longed for the two-week finish line. Where you would break up, because I felt like I was the next guy, the nice guy... in line. And I just really wanted... your eyes to say hello to mine. Now, there was a time you mentioned that nice guys were good. But the problem was they were too shy to ask girls out, and that... that I understood. I thought of all these other things I could do. But... I mean, all I really want is to sit and talk. And just maybe share another grilled cheese with you. So... Kate... would you like to go out with me some time? KATE You know what I realized? ANDY What? KATE I never really liked leather jackets. ANDY Oh. Uh, you know what? Me neither. ANDY I tried. KATE Good try. ANDY Thanks. KATE You did all that for me? ANDY Yeah. PAUL You're a lucky man. ANDY Hey, you brought us together. And now, step back. You're in my light, bro. Hi. KATE Hi.