BALD_MAN BED BLACK BLAKE BLONDE BURT CARL CHRISTIE COUPLE CO_WORKER EMPLOYEE EMPLOYEES EMPLOYEE_2 EMPLOYEE_3 EMPLOYEE_FROM_BEEZY EVERYONE FEMALE_EMPLOYEE GUY GUY_WITH_KAYAK JOLINE JORGE KATE KENNY MALE_EMPLOYEE MAN MARK NED PULLMAN SECOND_GUY_CARRYING_KAYAK SKYLER STELLA TANNER TED WOMAN WOMEN KATE What did she say, Mark? MARK So she turns to me and she says. MARK "Mark, where are we going?" MARK I mean, we've only been dating for two weeks, and that snort laugh that she does is really annoying. KATE Mark, where are we going? MARK Oh, sorry. Just on the right up here. KATE You said that five miles back. MARK Okay, but for real this time, we're getting close. MARK Okay. KATE It's just weird. Dam's so much bigger than before. MARK Get me a little closer. I'll go down and take a look. KATE It's pretty murky. Careful down there. MARK Kate, you read me? KATE Yeah, all good on my end. MARK Wait, what is that? KATE What? What is it? Mark? KATE Mark? KATE Mark! MARK Oh, my God! It's a mega-gator! KATE You jerk, okay? You didn't scare me. MARK Yes, I did. MARK Now, just relax while I take a look at your beaver. KATE Shut up. Do you really think the beaver population's dwindling? MARK It is in my neighborhood. MARK All right, let's get a closer look at this dam. JOLINE I hate nature. WOMAN I think we're here. TANNER All right, let's go, people. TANNER Fun waits for no man. GUY WITH KAYAK Oh. Oh. PULLMAN Yeah, yeah. GUY WITH KAYAK Go ahead. PULLMAN Go, go, go. SECOND GUY CARRYING KAYAK Thanks, dude. TED Ladies and gentlemen. TED the CEO and founder of Horizon Tech Industries. He's responsible for everything you see here today, and a close personal friend of mine. The one, the only, Tanner Brooks. TANNER Thank you, Ted. STELLA Nice of you to join us. PULLMAN Is it? STELLA Come on, it's better than being at work. PULLMAN Yeah, it's like being home from school sick. You get a fever of 104 and can't stand up straight, but at least you're not in geometry class. TANNER Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual Horizon Tech Wilderness Retreat. KENNY Yeah! Damn right! TANNER We are here today to help strengthen the bridge between knowledge and action. We learn our strengths and our fears, and we apply them to our actions at work for the betterment of the world. We have a big day of activities ahead. We'll be splitting into three teams Synergy, Muse, and Spirit. And now remember there's no "I' in team. PULLMAN Is he for real? TANNER There will be "capture the flag".an archery contest.paintball.and last but not least, for the grand finale, a two-mile river race. PULLMAN Archery contest was your idea, I take it? STELLA Camp Tahoe champ three years running. PULLMAN How do you get him to listen to you? STELLA I'm his publicist, that's my job. KATE How's it looking down there? MARK As big as this dam is. MARK I don't get it. There should be beavers everywhere, and I'm not seeing any. KATE Maybe they're busy KATE They're there somewhere. It's mating season. MARK Thanks for the help. MARK I haven't seen a single beaver down here. MARK Hold on. What's this? MARK Ah! KATE Mark! MARK There's something down here! KATE What's going on? KATE Mark! KATE Mark! KATE Mark, do you copy? KATE Mark, grab on to me! Grab on to my hand! Mark! KATE Oh, my God, Mark! MARK Ah! TED Ted. Ted McGill. JOLINE I know your name, Ted. TED Oh, good. That's great. JORGE Dude, that was brutal. TED Shut up! JORGE I'm just trying to help. I mean, look at her! JOLINE Don't worry about it. TED Yeah, and? JORGE And now look at yourself. It's like a super model going out with a software engineer. TED I am a software engineer, Jorge. JORGE Exactly. TED You know, I don't remember asking you for your advice, so. JORGE Just listen to your Latino wing man here. It's gonna end up in disappointment. Girls like Joline, they end up with guys like.I don't know like him. KENNY What's up? TANNER Joline! TANNER You know, today is about cultivating teamwork and developing trust. Today is for you, people. You know, being the 19th richest man in the high tech app development, augmented reality, legality-pending crypto currency industry.doesn't mean a damn thing to me, not a damn thing. TANNER But, knowing in my heart of hearts that I have done something for you people, is why I can fall asleep at night with a big smile on my face. You're what matters. This is where you give yourself a round of applause, people. PULLMAN Wow, he really knows how to work a crowd. TANNER Oh, and don't forget to blog, snap photo and post as much as you can. We want the rest of the world to see what working at Horizon Tech is like. PULLMAN How do you expect to post on social media in the middle of a paintball battle? TANNER Good point. Okay, everyone.if you see somebody with their phone, don't shoot them, cease fire for social media reasons, okay? PULLMAN Just like in real war. TANNER Just like in- TANNER Ooh. Idea. Boom. Shock-resistant shoulder-mounted phone cases that are voice activated, just like the, ah, the cameras that the policemen wear. Monday morning, Pullman, prototype. PULLMAN Sure, why not? TANNER Oh, ah, also, ah.I was told that there is a lot of, ah, poison oak out here, so watch your step. TANNER Come on. TANNER Oh, ah, also, ah, slight chance of wild bears. EVERYONE What? TANNER And the mosquitoes out here are like humming birds.so I hope you brought your bug spray. TANNER Oh, ah, also, um, 20/30 percent chance of snapping turtles. Right? So, any questions? PULLMAN Why are we doing this? TANNER Any other questions? EMPLOYEE Anyone have any sunblock? KENNY Yeah, yeah, I gotta work on my delts. Where can I do that? EMPLOYEE 2 Hey, do we get free wifi? FEMALE EMPLOYEE Do you know where I can get a skinny latte? EMPLOYEE 3 I'm allergic to mosquitoes. TANNER Okay, follow me, people. TANNER Onward! CARL Son of a bitch. NED Who's this guy? BURT Your uncle. BURT Only thing missing is the banjos. NED Kill the engine. CARL Anything I can do for you today, gentlemen? BURT We heard that this is best kept secret for salmon. CARL That's why I'm here. So I suggest you turn back the way you came or keep going your way. CARL But I'd prefer you did the former. NED Where'd a redneck like you learn such good diction? CARL At least I can read. NED Hey, hey, hey, look. NED We just came to fish, that's it. CARL Nobody's saying you can't cast your line, just go do it somewhere else. BURT Oh, come on, we've been planning this trip for like three months. We came all the way down here 'cause someone told us that this was the best spot in the whole state. CARL I really don't like repeating myself. NED Sorry you feel that way, man, but unless you have a bill of sale for, you know, the river.you got no say where we fish. BURT Oh, okay, it's all good. NED Okay, okay, look, it's cool, man. No problem, we're outta here. BURT We're leaving. CARL Damn right. CARL Tourists. PULLMAN Yeah, "Come out to the woods, we'll have a few laughs." Great idea, Tanner. STELLA Damnit! KENNY Bang, bang! Gotcha! STELLA You shot at my head? STELLA I'm dead! You made your point! KENNY No mercy in time of war, sweet cheeks! STELLA What, were you hiding behind a rock? That's not cool. KENNY I'm a sniper. You'll never see me coming. STELLA I thought you were from Toronto. Aren't you guys supposed to be nice? KENNY We are nice! STELLA Ow! KENNY We only shoot mooses! STELLA Kenny, that hurt! Stop! CARL Hey, what do we got here? CARL What the hell! CARL Good God, what is that? CARL Holy hell! CARL God! STELLA Damnit, Kenny. Ugh. Hey. PULLMAN Hi. You having fun yet? STELLA Yeah. Are you? PULLMAN Oh, marvelous. Can't you tell? STELLA Can I ask you something? PULLMAN Of course. You just did. STELLA What exactly do you do at Horizon Tech? PULLMAN You know, I literally don't know. STELLA You don't know your own job? PULLMAN No. PULLMAN All right, well, Tanner hired me a few years ago to build one of those, ah, fighting robots, back when the tech CEO's had their league. And then he just kept me on to build whatever prototype he pulled out of his ass. Usually, this consists of me coming into the office, playing.some online games for a few hours and then soldering a bunch of components and wires into some kind of casing and then I hand it over to Tanner and I say, "Look, here it is. Except, I just found out that another company had the same idea and they're going into beta testing soon." STELLA You are bad! PULLMAN It's perfect. STELLA Well, what's Tanner do when they found out they don't? PULLMAN Oh, that's the best part. If he starts asking around about a secret project, the companies will think that he's got a spy in their company. They scream corporate espionage, the lawyers go to war bankrupting all parties while proving nothing. PULLMAN So then Tanner has to hold his tongue until he comes up with his next stupid idea. PULLMAN It's pretty great. STELLA I think you might be my hero. PULLMAN I doubt that. STELLA I want your job. KATE Carl! CARL Holy hell, Kate! I survive a shark, and you damn near give me a heart attack! KATE Sharks, you saw them too? CARL Damn near bit my ass off right before you got here! CARL You okay? KATE No! CARL Come on, let's get you inside, all right. PULLMAN You know, I'd rather be at the office, or at a colonoscopy- STELLA No.you wouldn't, trust me. PULLMAN What does that mean? What do you know that I don't? STELLA Nothing. I just nothing. PULLMAN Okay. You're a terrible liar. STELLA All right, all right. You just have to promise me you won't tell anyone. PULLMAN Okay. I promise. STELLA Tanner's cleaning house. PULLMAN Cleaning house? What does that mean, cleaning house? STELLA Massive layoffs across. STELLA the board. Everyone who's here today, that's who he's keeping. Everyone else is "redundant." PULLMAN Okay, how do you know about this? STELLA I'm the publicist. I had to prepare the press release that's going out later today. PULLMAN That underhanded, two-faced little twerp. STELLA Just promise me you won't tell anyone. PULLMAN Yeah. PULLMAN I promised. I said I wouldn't. It's just. Why should I get to keep my stupid job, when people who actually put their back into it get the heave-ho? PULLMAN I mean, do you know what he's got me doing right now? He's got me doing graphic design on that stupid app of his. The one that rates the softness of toilet paper in public restrooms all across the country. STELLA Yeah, that one's his favorite. PULLMAN Yeah, takes an asswipe to know an asswipe. KATE Thanks, Carl. KATE Mark and I found this thing. It's like a beaver dam. But it wasn't a beaver dam, it was something else. KATE It was up river just past the forks. We got a report about a major drop in the water level and went to go check it out. KATE Mark went down to check on the foundation. I could hear him scream on the radio. And then he just popped up, and there was blood everywhere! KATE I tried to pull him in, but, he was already bitten in half. CARL You know, I heard this thing about something like 10 thousand sharks schooling near this beach in Florida. KATE That's the beach. We're a hundred miles from the ocean. How the hell could something like this happen? Where did they come from? And how could we have missed it? CARL Where did that dam come from? KATE I need to use your phone. CARL I ain't got a phone. I got a radio. CARL It's a good radio. KATE Benchley Ranger Station 12, come in. KATE This is F&W Officer Kramer, over. KATE Rick. Rick, it's Kate, come in. KATE Benchley Ranger Station, do you copy? KATE Come in, Rick. Rick. KATE Where the hell is he? KATE Okay. We don't know how many sharks there are, or how far they've spread out. KATE We need to start clearing people off the river. CARL Well, I chased off some wannabe fishermen earlier. Sent them back upriver. KATE So that's where we start. CARL What's this "we" stuff? KATE Carl, I've put up with your particular brand of crazy for a long time now. CARL Well- KATE The gill netting, the weed farming. CARL Well now, the weed- KATE the fishing with dynamite, the chasing off tourists. CARL I never chased- KATE all of your end-of-the-world, off-the-grid survivalist rants. CARL Now that's- KATE And not to mention the FBI agents showing up and asking about you. CARL Hell, you're a federal employee! I mean, why the hell do you think I moved out here in the middle of nowhere alone anyway? KATE Apparently, because the Feds... KATE are looking for you! You would've been in jail a dozen times over if it wasn't for me. You owe me. So now, I'm calling in a favor. CARL What about that time last spring whenever that guy you were dating kept coming back around. I helped you out then. KATE Carl, I'm not screwing around! Mark is dead! And there are who knows how many people in the river. We've got to start clearing them off the water. CARL All right. It's just, I'm not really a people person, that's all. KATE We're gonna need weapons. CARL Now you're talking my language. WOMAN I'll take a corporate retreat over a day in the office anytime. BALD MAN You think Tanner will notice we're missing? WOMAN Are you kidding? WOMAN He doesn't even know our names. WOMAN This is great. Oh, I love this. BALD MAN Beer. Nothing like it. WOMAN Whatever. BALD MAN Ah! My ass! WOMAN What? BALD MAN Something got my ass! WOMEN WOMAN Mary! JOLINE No, no! Parachutes are for the people that have been there since day one. Everyone else just gets the standard letter of recommendation and then six weeks more of health care. TANNER Four weeks. Keep it down. You're gonna get us caught. JOLINE I'm sorry, I'm trying to run your business here. TANNER Hey. What is with the negative attitude, missy? We're supposed to be having a good time here. JOLINE Well, try telling that to the 70 people that are getting pink slips today. TANNER Synergy requires sacrifice, sweetie. Four weeks. JOLINE Okay, make it four weeks of health insurance. TANNER Whoa! JOLINE Gotta go! TANNER Hey! Hey, you! Get--! Come here! TANNER Okay, I need you two to guard me. JOLINE What? Are you joking? TANNER What, it's called Protect the King Paintball. You're the guards, I'm the king. Your job is to protect me at all cost. JORGE Wait, aren't you supposed to protect all the employees? TANNER Move! Are you nuts? Go! JOLINE What? TANNER Stay in front of me! Stay in front of me. TANNER Go, go, go, go! JOLINE No. TANNER Stay in front of me! Stay in front of me! No, no, yeah. JOLINE I'm gonna have to call you back. KENNY Incoming! KENNY Yee-ha! TANNER Ah! KATE I think they're bull sharks. CARL Oh, yeah? KATE I mean they can live in the fresh water as well as they can in the ocean. And they've killed more people than any other man-eating shark species combined. CARL Fine, but what are they doing here? KATE The dam. Where Mark got killed. It's a bottleneck tie-up for all the channels heading out to the coast. KATE And all this garbage got sucked in KATE from the storm and piled up. And now the sharks got trapped. KATE Now they're angry and they're hungry. CARL They're hungry alright. KATE If we blow up the dam, it should open a path to the ocean. CARL How do you know all this? KATE "Sharknado" week. I've been preparing for this my whole life. STELLA Stop being so mopey. PULLMAN After what you just told me? STELLA You hate everyone, anyway. PULLMAN What? That is not true. I like a lot of people. I like, ah, the guy.the guy in Customer Relations. Ah, what's his name? Ichabod Crane. The Adam's apple guy. He's funny. STELLA Okay, her name is Amy. STELLA And.and why are you suddenly so concerned about these co-workers whose names you can't even remember? PULLMAN I guess I just don't like to see people lose their job. I've been a part of the big corporate downsizing, and I wouldn't, I wouldn't wish that on anybody. STELLA Really? PULLMAN Yeah. Well almost anybody. STELLA A misanthropic idealist. Look at you having layers. PULLMAN Hey, I'm like one of those bean dips you eat at a Super Bowl party. You keep digging, just gets better and better. KATE You sure your fishermen came this way? CARL I sent them upriver. KATE Maybe they made for the forks. CARL Nah, doubt it. Too far. BLAKE Geronimo! CARL The hell? KATE Look! Zipliners. BLAKE Who! BLAKE Come on, Skyler! Your turn! SKYLER Who! BLACK Yeah! SKYLER Who! BLAKE Don't let go! BLAKE Skyler! CARL She fell in! KATE Oh, my God! CARL Holy crap! KATE Get out of the water! SKYLER Help! I can't swim! BLAKE Skyler. SKYLER Blake! SKYLER Blake! Help! Blake! No! There's something in the water! SKYLER Blake! Oh, my God! BLAKE Skyler! SKYLER Help! SKYLER Help me! KATE Don't use that! You'll hit her! CARL Can't get a clear shot. BLAKE Skyler! No! CARL Hold on! KATE Follow them! Maybe I can get a clear shot! SKYLER Blake! Blake, help me! BLAKE Skyler! SKYLER Help me, Blake! BLAKE Skyler! KATE Let me take the shot. Don't wanna hit her. CARL Probably be doing her a favor. KATE Slow down. Just keep it steady. CARL Doing my best. BLAKE Skyler! KATE Steady. KATE Damnit! BLAKE Skyler! KATE He's headed for safety line! KATE Pull over! Now! CARL Good Lord. Don't tell me he's doing that. BLAKE Skyler, hang on! I'm almost there! BLAKE Skyler, here, take my hand! CARL You got a shot? KATE Not yet. Come on. CARL Take it! KATE Squeeze. BLAKE Reach! Reach! Grab on! BLAKE Grab my hand! SKYLER Come on, pull me up! BLAKE I got you! Grab the rope! Grab the rope! CARL I see another one coming! Take the shot! CARL Take it now! KATE Another one. CARL Nice shot. CARL You guys gotta move! Come on! BLAKE We're gonna have to climb across. Just just keep moving. SKYLER I don't know if I can do this. BLAKE Just one hand at a time. Just keep moving! CARL I see one coming. CARL There's another one. KATE I got it. KATE I'm out. I need another bullet. KATE Carl, come on, I need a bullet! Come on! BLAKE One hand over the other! Go! Go! BLAKE Keep going! Faster! Faster! CARL Got it! CARL There! Now! Come on, Kate. SKYLER Blake! CARL Kate! KATE Got it! SKYLER Blake! CARL Hang on, kids! CARL Good? KATE Locked and loaded. CARL We got you covered! Keep going! KATE Don't stop moving! SKYLER I'm almost there! CARL You're doing great! Keep going! SKYLER I don't think I can do it! CARL She's running out of time. KATE Almost there! SKYLER I can't hold on much longer! SKYLER Help me! CARL Kate? KATE What the hell are they doing? KATE Why don't they just eat them? CARL I don't care. CARL Get in the truck. TANNER Come on, you can't say that wasn't fun! PULLMAN Wasn't fun. TANNER You're looking pretty clean there, John. PULLMAN Like your conscience? TANNER What's that? PULLMAN Nothing. Just hungry, that's all. TANNER Oh, well, ah. TANNER luckily for you, I had the, ah, lunch catered from, ah, Don Mateo's, in San Francisco. EMPLOYEES Ah. EMPLOYEES Ah. PULLMAN Wow, that's some high-end grub. PULLMAN Pricey. PULLMAN What? STELLA No. TANNER Well, what can I say. YOLO! All right, everybody.dig in! Save some for the person behind you! STELLA I don't think you have enough there. KENNY Mmm. I can't afford to get fat again. KENNY This was me seven years ago. STELLA You made that? KENNY Yeah. STELLA And you wear it. A picture of yourself fat? KENNY Mm-hmm. KENNY Every day. Under my clothes. As a reminder. KENNY Mmm. KENNY Gotta go. KENNY Hey, cutie. Hey, listen. KENNY Have you ever seen that show about the guys who fish for crabs in Alaska? JOLINE No. Why? KENNY I was thinking I might give it a try. I think I would be really, really good at catching crabs. JOLINE Wow! You're so brave. TED That big dolt is gonna steal my girl. JOLINE Aw. PULLMAN Is it just me, or were there more of us this morning when we started paintball? STELLA Maybe that's Tanner's plan, kill us and dump us out in the woods. PULLMAN No, I'm serious. Like, like where's the guy from accounting? Matthew, ah, I think. Or-or the hot chick from, ah, HR? Ah, Gwen? STELLA These are the co-workers you're so dedicated to? PULLMAN What, I have to know their names to be concerned about their whereabouts? STELLA Relax. They're probably just off hooking up somewhere. PULLMAN At least somebody is. STELLA It's still early. PULLMAN Really? STELLA God, you're easy to manipulate. KATE Look, there's two more of them! CARL God, it's like a bad movie! I've never seen anything like this, have you? KATE Actually, yeah. One time if Fort Lau- No, of course not! CARL What's your problem? KATE A bunch of sharks killing people on my river! Oh, my God. Pull over. CARL Yes, ma'am. KATE Oh, my God. BURT Come on, man, what are you waiting for? NED Patience. BURT Just put a damn line in the water already. NED I know what I'm doing. BURT Do you? BURT Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. BURT Whoa! Oh, yeah! There we go. There we go, yeah. NED You got it. There you go. BURT Think you are the boss predator on this river? I'm the boss. I'm the boss. BURT Get the net, get the net, get the net. NED Seaweed? NED Boss predator? BURT Shut up. NED Let me show you how it's done. BURT What the hell do you think you're gonna catch with that? NED Big fish. BURT Whatever. NED Oh! NED Whoa, whoa, whoa! BURT Seriously? NED Here, don't freak out. NED Watch and learn, buddy. Watch and learn. Come on. Come on. BURT What.What the hell was that? NED It wasn't a salmon. NED Whoo. You good? BURT I'm good. You good? BED Yeah. Yup. BURT What the hell was that? NED It's gone, right? You good? BURT I'm good. NED Okay. BURT All right, I watched, but I didn't learn anything. NED Yeah, well.Professionalism. See how I handled that? BURT Idiot. NED It's kinda fun. It's like a ride. BURT Oh, my God! Ned! BURT Come on! Ned! Ned! BURT Come on! Grab that! Come on! TANNER Well, lunch was a success. TANNER Whoa, where's the fire? JOLINE Well, funny you should say that. There's some blogger that claims he has pictures of you in Klan robes. TANNER That was a bit. It was a performance piece I did with my theater collective in college. JOLINE Okay, well, he's threatening to go to the activists. TANNER Okay, well, cut him a check. However much. Just get it done. JOLINE You're already facing a firestorm with these layoffs being announced. Do you really think a cover-up is the best option? I mean, maybe an explanation? TANNER I didn't hire you for your opinions. JOLINE Ah- KATE What's wrong? KATE Why did you stop? CARL We're never gonna get close enough to plant the dynamite. Not in this little bath toy we've got. We need something to distract them. KATE They have chum. CARL You gotta be kidding me. Who the hell uses chum to fish for salmon? Idiots. KATE Damn, that stinks. I'm calling this one."divine intervention". CARL Well, call it whatever you want, but their stupidity is our lucky break. KATE I hope this works. Ugh. CARL Well, what do you know about that? CARL Lookie there. CARL Let's go! PULLMAN Oh, darn it. EMPLOYEES Wow. PULLMAN Oh. you totally cheated. TANNER Damn! TANNER Looks like we got ourselves a ringer here. I should'a hired you to be my bodyguard. STELLA Yeah, Tanner, that's a good idea. PULLMAN Hire or fire. TANNER What's that? PULLMAN Nothing. TANNER Your zipper's down. TANNER Made you look. Joline! STELLA You said you'd keep you mouth shut. PULLMAN This is me keeping my mouth shut. STELLA You're pushing him! Besides us, the only other people that know about the purge are. STELLA Tanner and that lab experiment assistant of his. And she'll never talk. So, if he knows you know, he'll know it came from me. PULLMAN I'm sorry. You're right, I wasn't thinking. STELLA Whatever. Just stop moping around and rambling fake righteousness. KATE Keep your eyes peeled. CARL These bastards are coming back! CARL Look, let me get up there. KATE I can handle it! Just get in closer! CARL Careful. KATE Come on. Come on. Almost there. KATE Oh, my God! CARL What is it? KATE It's a body! CARL I don't see anything. CARL Oh, crap! It's gonna blow! KATE Jump! CARL Whoo! CARL Sushi anyone? KATE Mark. TANNER All right, kids. Time for the main event. JOLINE Shouldn't the others be back by now? TANNER Well, I told them where the bus was gonna pick us up, so they'll be fine. STELLA What about Gwen and Matthew? JORGE They're banging in the woods. KENNY Nice! TANNER I won't tell HR. JOLINE Gwen is the head of HR! TANNER Oh. Well, it'll save her some paperwork. TANNER Oof, watch your step. JOLINE Okay. TANNER These, ah, round things on the ground, these are, ah, feces from cattle. Um, they call them patties. Ah, you don't wanna step in those. JOLINE So great. TANNER And those of you without protective eyewear, watch your eyes on these limbs here. Watch your feet down here. TANNER See, like that. PULLMAN Ugh. This sucks. KENNY Oh! KENNY Now we're talking! STELLA I don't think we have enough people to fill three boats. KENNY Grrr. TANNER Well, luckily, we have enough for two. So, team Spirit and Muse will now combine. So somebody think of a new name for the team. JOLINE Ooh! JOLINE Team Beezy! TANNER Okay, great. Don't know what that means, but great. All right. Well, we've got the archery gear loaded up, we've got the paintball gear loaded up, the bus is gonna meet us at the finish line and take us back to the office. Where's Ted? STELLA Where is the finish line? TANNER It's the spot where the bus is gonna pick us up. All right. TANNER Race starts in 15 minutes. I recommend a bathroom break, okay? Before everybody gets geared up and ready to go. TANNER Let's go. STELLA Talk about ride from hell. TANNER Ted! Ted! TED Hold up! TED Wait! WOMAN Wait up for us! MAN Hey! TED Sorry about it. TED I'm so sorry. Sorry. BLONDE Yeah, that was definitely not a shortcut. TED Right. MAN Go. CARL You all right? KATE Fine. CARL That's the one that came after me. CARL The one with the scar. CARL Did that myself. CARL What are you thinking? KATE I'm just wondering how a bunch of fish whose brain stopped evolving in the dinosaur era learned how to organize. CARL Even the stupidest grunt learns to adapt pretty quick if he wanna stay alive. Hmm. KATE They're going back. KATE for the body parts! What the hell are they doing? CARL Man, I've seen some pretty crazy things in my life, war, riots, monkey riding a dog at rodeo. Even saw a one-armed man fist-fighting a hare krishna, this one time. Yeah, I thought I'd seen just about every stupid, fine mind-blowing thing on God's green creation. CARL This one's new to me. KATE They're building another one. CARL Another what? KATE Another shark dam, I guess it's what you'd call it. See, we've driven them off this site. They're more than likely to look for another one like this, narrow enough to build a dam. In fact, I'm willing to bet they already have. CARL How? Why? KATE Why do sharks do anything? Food. I thought the dam was trapping the sharks in the river, but the storm drove them into the park, and they discovered a smorgasbord. KATE If you found something like that, would you eat your fill and continue on, or would you start. KATE Look, this is where we are. KATE choke point A. If you're gonna trap live prey. KATE you can't let it escape, so you'd build a second choke point further downriver to keep it contained. There. I'm sure of it. I know this river better than the damn water. CARL Look, road ends right here. And the paths aren't wide enough for the truck to get through, so we're gonna have to double back up to the freeway and come around. That's gonna take a while. KATE No! You have a problem on the river, you deal with it on the river. CARL Well, that's real good in theory, but in case you hadn't noticed, we don't have a boat. KATE Well, that would be a problem, except I know where to get one. And it's not too far from here. CARL Hmm. PULLMAN Oh, God no. TANNER All right, team! TANNER Is everybody in position? May the best team win! Us. May the best team win. All right. Ready, everybody? MALE EMPLOYEE Shouldn't we have a tour guide or something? KENNY Yeah, they'll show up right after your testicles drop. TANNER Everybody on your marks! TANNER Get set! TANNER Go! PULLMAN Whoa! STELLA John! John! I got you! PULLMAN What? STELLA I said I got you. PULLMAN Oh, I think I'm deaf! TANNER Pick it up, Pullman! TANNER Let's go, everybody! Come on! Come on there. Come on, Synergy. TANNER They're getting ahead of us! Come on, everybody, let's go! You're gonna let Beezy beat us? We can't let these wimps beat us! Look at these guys! You wanna be in my team, we're gonna be too good. Let's go! TANNER Come on! Come on, pick it up! They look like a little child out there. EMPLOYEE FROM BEEZY Ah, suck it! TANNER Seriously. CARL Whose place is this? KATE It's Mark's. CARL You know, if we can get into the house, we can probably use his phone. KATE No, he only has a cell phone. CARL And give me crap for only having a CB. KATE There should be some deer meat in there. He was a hunter. CARL Deer meat? What do you need deer meat for? KATE Chum. CARL That ain't what chum is. KATE Whatever. It's blood, meat. Come on, Carl. KATE you're a fisherman. CARL Don't give me attitude. I'm just trying to help. Talking crap to me when I'm only trying to help you. What's your plan for this other dam, anyway? KATE Same as the first one. Blow it to kingdom come. CARL With what? KATE Dynamite. CARL I used all my dynamite on the last one. KATE Seriously? Don't you have some buried somewhere? You're always prepared for everything. CARL Buried? KATE Yeah. CARL Sorry. This whole river shark scenario never really factored into my long term plans. CARL Buried. CARL Like it's some kind of lost treasure. CARL Oh-oh. I know that look. KATE I have an idea. CARL That's what I was afraid of. TANNER Come on, guys, my grandmother could row faster than that, and she's dead. Pullman, what is that, a string bean from your shirt? TANNER Oh, that's your arm! That's your arm, Pullman. You see that? TANNER Don't! No! No! TANNER No! That thing's $400! PULLMAN Yeah, well, you should be able to afford it now! Letting go of 70 people back at the office should save you a nice chunk of change! KENNY What? CO WORKER What's he talking about? PULLMAN There's a layoff genocide going on back at the office. Tanner just dragged us out here to keep us distracted. KENNY My man! We're the chose ones! CO-WORKER Tanner, is he serious? PULLMAN Yeah, he's firing everyone who isn't here. TANNER Look, John, despite what ugly rumors you might've heard, you know, sometimes you have to make a little bit of a step backwards to have a big leap forward. You know, you gotta break some eggs to make an omelette. That kind of thing, you know? This company. This company is run on teamship. PULLMAN "Teamship?" TANNER Yeah, teamship! I made up a word! Is that okay? PULLMAN No! No, it's not okay, Tanner! PULLMAN It's not okay at all! JOLINE Something's going on back there. JOLINE There's something right behind. TANNER Pullman! PULLMAN Do you know why nobody likes you, Tanner? TANNER Why, John? Why don't they like me, John? PULLMAN It's not because you're a liar, or that you're shallow.or that you have atrocious, just god awful ideas. TANNER PULLMAN And it's not the fact that you have no connection to any kind of hardship that any human being would possibly go through. Or the fact that you lack any clear vision at all. Of the fact that you're completely.unqualified to run a business of any kind. No. No. TANNER That's what they said about Jobs. CO WORKER Okay, you did not just compare yourself to Steve Jobs. PULLMAN You know why nobody likes you, Tanner? TANNER Mmm? PULLMAN It's because despite your creepily small hands, you still expect everyone to like you. JOLINE I can't see them anymore. JORGE Good, we're crushing them! JOLINE We got this. JOLINE We're winning. GUY Keep going. Keep going. CHRISTIE What the hell is that? JOLINE What? What? GUY Huh? CHRISTIE Did you see a fin? JOLINE Oh, my God! Christie! JOLINE Duck! GUY Ah! JOLINE Oh, my God! Oh, my God! JOLINE You guys, go! Go! Paddle! PULLMAN You know what I think? I think you can take this retreat and you can take this company and you can shove it up your ruby-red ass, because I quit! TANNER You quit? PULLMAN Yeah. TANNER You quit? You can't quit. TANNER You know why you can't quit? Because. STELLA Guys. TANNER you are. STELLA Guys. Guys! TANNER Fi- TANNER What? PULLMAN Stella, look out! STELLA Ah! TANNER What is that? TANNER Oh, my God. Oh, my God. STELLA No! KENNY I want a raise! TANNER You got it! TANNER What the hell was that? KATE Crap! Keys aren't here. CARL Oh, I can hotwire it. Here, take these KATE Where did you learn how to hotwire a boat? CARL The Mekong River. CARL Long story. Anyway. CARL how we planning on blowing this thing up? KATE Right here. That was pretty obvious when I asked you to grab them. CARL Huh? KATE You put the tanks in the dam, shoot the tanks.kablooey. CARL Kablooey? KATE Yeah. CARL You're gonna blow up scuba tanks by shooting them with a rifle? KATE Yeah. I saw it in a movie. CARL That's the stupidest idea I ever heard. KATE It'll work. It might work. CARL Might? KATE It'll work. Come on. TED Ah! Joline! Where's Joline? JORGE Who cares? Swim! TED Joline! TED Joline! KATE They're over there! TED Jorge, you okay? JORGE I'll live. You? TED I've been better. JORGE What the hell was that? KATE Sharks. KATE Lots of them. You're lucky you didn't lose your leg. JORGE But here in the river? JORGE Christie and her friends? CARL Relax, skinny CARL Bug out later. For now, be thankful you're alive. JORGE Yeah. TED What? JOLINE You saved my life! TED Yeah, I.I guess I did. JOLINE But why? TED I don't know. I didn't really think much about it. It just kinda happened. You were in the water and I was in the water, and I swam over- PULLMAN Is everyone okay? TANNER No, I'm not okay! I'm not okay! I'm the furthest thing from okay! PULLMAN All right, calm down! Just sit down! It's over. STELLA We have to go find the others. TANNER What? STELLA We have to see if they're okay! KENNY Uh-uh. PULLMAN Yeah, we do. TANNER No! No! No! PULLMAN Give it everything you got. KATE Hey. KATE no time for love just yet, you two. KATE Stay focused. You need to keep your heads a little while longer. Can you help him walk? TED Might need a change of underpants, but besides that, I'm okay. KATE About two miles up that way is a Ranger Station. Get there and- TED Wait, where are you going? KATE We're gonna rescue your friends. JOLINE Take us with you! KATE We can't. There's too many people weighing down the boat. We'll be swamped. We'll chase them down, pick up your friends. KATE and meet up with you at the Ranger Station. KATE Two miles downriver, stay close to the shore. You can't miss it. Have them send everyone. TED Everyone? KATE Everyone. TANNER Are there any more of those things out there? STELLA Maybe go for a swim, Tanner. Check it out. KENNY If it were down to it, I'd strap a bomb to myself, swim out there, let those suckers take me. Boom! PULLMAN Guys. Guys, stop rowing. We would've passed them by now. Let's get off the river. STELLA I'm with you, Pullman. TANNER Oh, so you're in charge now, huh? STELLA Someone has to be! KENNY Hey, we could paddle a little bit faster, don't you think? STELLA Why aren't we turning? PULLMAN Hang on. Something's not right. We're not changing direction at all. PULLMAN Oh, my God. STELLA What? PULLMAN They're pulling us. STELLA To where? PULLMAN They're keeping us on the river. JOLINE Oh, poor baby. JORGE Seriously? I could'a saved you, too. JOLINE Woulda, coulda, shoulda. JORGE Are you sure we're going the right way? TED We're going the right way. JORGE What, are you some kind of wildlife guide? JOLINE This is the way they told us to go! TED When Tanner announced the trip, I looked up a map of the river online. I studied the whole thing. JORGE Why? TED I like maps. JORGE What's there to like? TED They let you know there's a world out there beyond what you can see. We're going in the right way... JORGE And here comes the "but". TED But there's a chance we might be on the wrong side of the river. I got all discombobulated when we were, you know, being murdered by sharks. We're going in the right direction, but that Ranger Station might be on the other side. JORGE No way. Ranger lady and Sergeant Nutjob back there would've told us if it was on the other side. JOLINE Well, they were kind of busy saving people's lives. It's not impossible to think that they forgot to tell us. STELLA We're surrounded. What do we do now? TANNER I got it. I know how we're gonna get through this. PULLMAN You do? TANNER Yeah. Come Monday morning, we're gonna dedicate a memorial to the people that we lost today. So I hope you can remember all of their names there Sarah? STELLA Stella. TANNER Stella. Stella. All right. We need to work on a press release. "We at the company are deeply saddened by the loss of our employees. TANNER especially given the circumstances, that we're out here on this retreat." TANNER Blah-blah-blah. STELLA What the hell are you doing? TANNER Damage control, honey. PULLMAN We need to get off this river. TANNER It's called multitasking. TANNER And I think that we can get out of trouble if we spin this just right. PULLMAN You know, you are unbelievable! You don't give a damn about any of us, do you? TANNER Nnnno. TANNER The checks haven't gone out yet. That's a win. PULLMAN You know, I don't know which is worse, you or the sharks. At least you don't see them screwing each other over just to save a few bucks. PULLMAN Give me one good reason why we shouldn't throw you overboard right now. TANNER Well, apparently, someone's not listening. The checks haven't gone out yet. If you want your check, you need it signed by me, your captain. Your boss! Your lord and savior! TANNER So, Sarah, how about that memorial? STELLA I quit. STELLA Write it yourself. TANNER What? STELLA I hate my job. You're a terrible boss and a terrible person and you're an ugly human being! TANNER You talking to me? You're going to quit, on me? TANNER You can't quit. You can't quit. I won't let you quit! TANNER And if you do, I will bury you! TANNER You will be back to flipping pizzas- STELLA Ah! PULLMAN Okay, okay. All right, you're okay. You're okay. You're okay. Okay? PULLMAN It's over. KENNY Whoa. PULLMAN Oh, my God. PULLMAN What is that? KENNY Is that a is that a dam? PULLMAN It's huge. STELLA I've never seen anything like that in my life. PULLMAN What, like I have? I've never even seen a shark until today, let alone whatever the hell that thing is. KENNY No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Game over, man. Game over. I can't do this. STELLA Kenny, snap out of it! KENNY Hey, those are my favorite glasses! STELLA Gimme this. PULLMAN What are you doing? STELLA We're getting off this river. STELLA Let's pull. We can do this. PULLMAN I can see that. KENNY That's all magical and wonderful and everything, but how are we supposed to get ourselves over there? STELLA Kenny, really? STELLA You wanna give me a hand here? PULLMAN Yeah. This is genius. STELLA Come on, grab on. PULLMAN Pull her in slowly. Nice and easy, that's it. STELLA We're getting there! STELLA Oh, my God! KENNY No! No! STELLA No! KENNY What are they doing? STELLA They're using the bodies to make the dam bigger. STELLA Oh, my God. PULLMAN Well, that's something you don't see every day. PULLMAN Okay. Stella. Give me your shirt. STELLA My shirt? PULLMAN Trust me. I have an idea. PULLMAN That's good. STELLA What? PULLMAN Oh, nothing, nothing. I just.I, ah, I.I.I.I.I've never seen.I.I. PULLMAN I've just never seen you so. STELLA What? PULLMAN I got this little..You think you can give me the rest of the shirt, so I can- STELLA Stop! PULLMAN Okay, okay, okay. STELLA Jeez. PULLMAN Sorry. Okay, here's the plan. This thing isn't letting up. There's still a ton of those things out there. We need to somehow draw them over here, so that Stella can shoot as many of them as possible, which will then free us up to paddle like hell to shore. STELLA I only have maybe a dozen arrows left. PULLMAN Well, when you gotta do something, you do it right. PULLMAN Kenny? PULLMAN The ammo. KENNY Boom. STELLA The paintball cartridges! I gotta say, I really like this side of you. KENNY Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! They're my CO2 cartridges. KENNY Okay, so how are we gonna draw them in? PULLMAN I've been thinking about that. PULLMAN I think we're gonna need some fresh blood. KENNY Blood? Where we gonna get blood? Hmm? Hmm? We're just gonna go down the river to the Red Cross, and ask them- KENNY Ahh! What the.What the hell, woman? STELLA Solved your problem. PULLMAN That you did. KENNY PULLMAN You'll be all right there, buddy. STELLA Man up, Kenny. PULLMAN All right, let's start tying up some arrows. TED JORGE I thought we were supposed to stay closer to the river. TED It's a shortcut. The river curves around a lot. TED JOLINE Oh! Are you okay? JOLINE That looks bad. TED I, I don't think I can go any further. TED Just go on without me, okay? JOLINE No. No, we can't go on without you. You have to come. JORGE It's okay, I got this. Come on. JORGE Look, I know you're in pain, but I think you're stronger than you think you are. JORGE What you did back there for Joline, none of us could've done that. JORGE You held it together, and I need you to hold it together now. TED Thanks, man. JORGE So, what do you say we get to that Ranger Station? TED Sounds like a plan. STELLA Are you sure they'll explode? PULLMAN Oh, they'll explode. Just make sure to go full force with the pull to get maximum PSI. Don't hold back. STELLA Oh, I won't be holding back. PULLMAN All right, let's do this. KENNY Hey, why do I have to do all the paddling? PULLMAN Because it's great for your deltoids. KENNY I like that. I like that. KENNY All right. KENNY Come and get it. STELLA I think it's working! KENNY Here they come! STELLA You sure this will work? PULLMAN Yeah this should work. KENNY "Should?" STELLA "Should?" PULLMAN Yeah. Yeah. KENNY Whenever you're ready! PULLMAN Keep paddling, Kenny! STELLA Damnit! KENNY This isn't gonna work! PULLMAN Just keep paddling! KENNY Keep paddling, keep paddling. I know, I know. PULLMAN Yes. Yes. PULLMAN Stella, I believe in you. Draw with everything you've got! STELLA Smile, you son of a bitch! STELLA Yes! PULLMAN Whoo! PULLMAN Keep going, Kenny! We got this! KENNY Yeah. JOLINE No way! JORGE I'm not crossing that. TED We have to. The Ranger Station is just on the other side of that hill. JOLINE Is this safe? TED It's narrow, but it'll hold. We'll have to go single file. JOLINE Are you gonna be okay? TED Yeah. Just stay on the log. Go on. JORGE Okay. I coming up behind you. JOLINE Okay. PULLMAN Watch your back! PULLMAN Watch your feet! PULLMAN Ah! PULLMAN Ah! STELLA I think it's working. They're leaving. KENNY Yaaa! KENNY Yaaa! KENNY Oh-oh. PULLMAN What was that? STELLA What happened? KENNY Ah.I'm sorry, guys. I'm so sorry. STELLA What? KENNY They got us. PULLMAN Kenny! STELLA Kenny! KENNY Um.we're in trouble. JORGE Okay, this can't be good. A little quicker would be nice. COUPLE Ah! JOLINE No! Jorge! JOLINE Jorge. TED Gotta keep going. Concentrate! TED Let's get off this log. JOLINE Ah! JOLINE STELLA They're gone for now. We haven't got much time. PULLMAN All right, quick, swim to shore. KENNY Don't have to tell me twice! PULLMAN Stella! STELLA What is he doing? KENNY I don't know. PULLMAN I can't get- STELLA Something's wrong. We need to get him! KENNY Whoa, whoa, whoa! What if those things are still out there? STELLA What are you doing? PULLMAN My foot! I'm stuck! STELLA He needs our help. Let's go! KENNY Wait, Stella! I can't. I can't. I'm so sorry, but I can't. STELLA Really? I thought you were gonna strap on explosives and take them all out. Coward. KENNY Oh, my God. KENNY This is crazy. This is crazy. This is crazy! KENNY Ah! PULLMAN Shark! KATE Look! Over there! KATE Come on. STELLA Help me! KATE Give me your hand! STELLA Here, take him! He's not breathing! CARL Yeah. Got him. Here you go. KATE Give me your hand! STELLA John! STELLA Breathe, John! John! CARL Hey, I think you need to push harder on him. STELLA Breathe! CARL Ah! John, breathe! STELLA Oh! CARL There you go. PULLMAN Sharks! STELLA No, no, no, no, you're here. Oh, my God. Are you okay? PULLMAN Oh, God. Please tell me he didn't give me mouth to mouth. CARL You're not my type. STELLA What? No, I did. PULLMAN Okay. Um, actually, I was alive after the first breath. After that, I just wanted to enjoy myself. PULLMAN Ah, did we.did we win? CARL Not even close! STELLA How the hell did this happen? Where are all these sharks coming from? CARL It's a long story. Dam and sharks. Look, first we gotta blow up this damn dam and then we'll all have coffee and we'll explain everything, all right? PULLMAN You had me at blow the damn dam up. Let's do it. STELLA How the hell are we gonna do that? CARL Well, we got the tanks and we got a gun. CARL Kablooey! STELLA That's ridiculous. CARL That's what I said. PULLMAN No, actually, it's not a bad idea. Remember that robot I told you about? it operated on pneumatics. Like compressed air like this. It's highly pressurized. I.I also saw it in a.in a.in a movie once. PULLMAN So. KATE Told you so. CARL Right. STELLA Great. PULLMAN Let's do it. CARL Oh, crap! Don't worry, I got it. I got it. CARL Ah! PULLMAN No, no, no, no! No! KATE Let go! KATE Carl! CARL Ah! KATE Carl! PULLMAN No! He is gone! He's gone. I'm sorry, but. Look, you said we have to blow up the dam. Let's blow up the dam. We gotta keep moving, all right? KATE The engine's shot. PULLMAN I got an idea. PULLMAN Are these steaks? KATE No, venison. PULLMAN On three. KATE One, two, three! KATE Here. PULLMAN Shoot. KATE Arg! Jammed! STELLA I got this! Please don't miss. PULLMAN God! STELLA Ew! PULLMAN God! Agh! STELLA KATE Let's get out of here. Come on. PULLMAN Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. Let's get outta here. PULLMAN Looks like we missed one. KATE Look out, he's gonna ram us! PULLMAN Get down! Get down! STELLA Okay. Now let's go home. PULLMAN Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. Good idea.