BAG CRAIG ELIZA GEORGE GIGGLES JP KELSEY NICOLE TAYLOR THE_DUCCI_BAG ELIZA helloooo parasocialites! it’s me… eliiiizaa! and it’s almost fall, which means it’s time for the annual creek back to school fashion show! ELIZA all you grody fashion hopefuls can fret no longer! ELIZA because i’m here to tell you what’s cool, and what’s not cool. ELIZA butterflies are cool! birds are not cool! KELSEY huh? ELIZA vertical stripes are cool. horizontal stripes are not cool! JP what?! ELIZA and lastly, ducci bags are cool! and cross body purses are not cool! ELIZA so… get your best looks ready to sashay down the runway! see you all at the fashion show! CRAIG i can’t believe this! KELSEY i know! birds aren’t cool anymore!? it took me years to train mortimor to sit on my head, how am i supposed to start fresh with a butterfly? KELSEY oh! no… i mean… not that i would actually replace you with a butterfly, heh heh… JP yeah, well, you’re not the one who made your entire brand horizontal stripes. i can’t switch to vertical stripes, they make me look taller than i already am! CRAIG don’t you guys think that video was kinda targeted at us? KELSEY mmmmmmmmno? JP mmmmmmmmno? CRAIG she used a picture of me as an example of uncool! KELSEY that could’ve been anyone. CRAIG yeah, it could have been! but it wasn’t! it was me! KELSEY uhh… well, time to face the creek and let everyone know how uncool we are. CRAIG y’know what? i reject eliza’s fashion advice! i say birds are cool! KELSEY yeah! CRAIG and horizontal stripes are cool! JP yeah they are! CRAIG and my cross body purse – i didn’t even know there was a name for it — is also cool! KELSEY you tell ’em, craig! CRAIG we’re gonna wear whatever we want, however we want, ’cause we’re what? JP ’cause we’re cool!!!!! KELSEY ’cause we’re cool!!!!! CRAIG yeah!!!! KELSEY y’know, uh, maybe my wardrobe could use an update. JP yeahhhh, i’m… i’m just gonna check to see if i have a second shirt… for no particular reason! KELSEY JP okay bye! KELSEY okay bye! CRAIG where am i gonna get another purse? CRAIG i hope they’re still in business… TAYLOR CRAIG um… excuse me. are… are you the kid who used to make costumes for the king? TAYLOR thaaaaaaaaaaaat’s me! the name and game are one and the same… taylor the tailor! my purpose is to repurpose for all your fashion needs. CRAIG oh wow. TAYLOR how can i help you today? i’ve got a wonderful new line of couture hoodies just in time for fall. TAYLOR for the kid who needs to carry it all – the pockhat… hats with pockets! TAYLOR and don’t look now, but macaroni isn’t just for construction paper anymore. CRAIG oh… uh, wow… but, um, that’s not really what i need. TAYLOR i also have them in fettuccini! CRAIG uh… TAYLOR linguini? rotini? buccatini? CRAIG that… that’s okay. i actually need to you make something specific for me. TAYLOR oooh, a custom order! CRAIG can you make me a… ducci bag? TAYLOR you want me to make you a knock-off? when there’s a fine pair of linguini pants right here?! listen, honey. fashion favors the bold. and i think your current purse is already quite the statement. CRAIG it’s a statement that i’m not cool! at least that’s what everyone will say if i show up at the back to school fashion show wearing it. please, i’m begging you. TAYLOR okay, i’ll do it. but it’ll cost you a lot of dough. CRAIG oh! i’ve got a whole tube of cookie dough at home. TAYLOR perfect. just bring it by tomorrow. with all this back to school frenzy, i’ve had a lot of kids skip out on paying me. i wouldn’t want to have to set my sharks on you. CRAIG thank you, taylor! thank youuu! JP aw thanks, kelsey. now we both have new shirts! KELSEY oh, heh, this old thing? heh heh. i just like threw it on, y’know? i didn’t even realize i was wearing clothes, heh. CRAIG well i know what i’m wearing. JP wait… is that…? KELSEY no, i can’t be…! CRAIG that’s right, designer brand ducci. now we can all attend the creek in style. ELIZA in style, you say? ELIZA i’ll be the judge of that. ELIZA jp! love the stripes! they make your big head sing! ELIZA kelsey! butterflies! so in vogue! oh, and mortimor… still a bird. ELIZA and is that a ducci bag i see?! CRAIG oh, yeah, yeah, uh huh, it’s a du—, yeah, it’s a ducci. ELIZA hmmmm… are you sureeee? something feels off. let’s take a closer look! ELIZA a ducci bag usually is put together with a fine cross stitched thread… but this looks more like a combination of glue and desperation. ELIZA a distinct lack of the signature lavender eu de perfum. and no sign of an official serial number. just as i suspected… it’s a fake! an off-brand ducci! CRAIG ah! don’t look at meeeee! CRAIG awww… what am i going to do! it’s not like a ducci is just gonna drop right in my lap. NICOLE hey kids! purse first! your mama finally got herself a ducci! CRAIG oh! NICOLE uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! keep your little sticky fingers off my ducci bag. mommy spent a lot of money on this bag. so don’t touch this bag, don’t even look in this bag’s direction! in fact, maybe y’all should all go to your rooms. NICOLE oooh! it’s your auntie! probably calling about the bag. NICOLE hey you! you saw the bag, right? uh-huh! oh it’s the real deal! THE DUCCI BAG craaaiiiggg… CRAIG THE DUCCI BAG wear me, craig… CRAIG i… i shouldn’t. THE DUCCI BAG take me out to the creek, craig, and i’ll make you look sickening, henny. CRAIG you’re… you’re gonna make me sick? THE DUCCI BAG no, sickening is a good thing, it’s like— ugh, forget it. just show me off to eliza and she’ll have to admit that you’re the coolest kid in the whole creek! CRAIG but mom says i’m not supposed to touch you. CRAIG she doesn’t have to know, darling! just bring me back home, and it’ll be like the whole thing never happened. CRAIG and you really think that eliza will think i’m cool? BAG baby… when i’m done with you, you’re gonna be the king of looks. CRAIG JP wonder why craig wanted to meet us in front of the tea timers’ grove? JP hmm… mortimor, did you change something? did you like get your… feathers blown out? KELSEY it turns out mortimor was actually born half butterfly! crazy, right? CRAIG a-he-hem. JP is that a real ducci?! CRAIG ahh!!! don’ttouchitwithyourgreasyfingers!!! JP omg it is real. CRAIG that’s right, jp! a real fresh shiiiiiinnnyy ducci! it’s got a serial number and everythiiing! bag #1456328. ELIZA wow, craig! a bonafide ducci! i’ll cheers to that… oopsie ducci! CRAIG CRAIG that’s okay! just gotta wipe it off! make it fresh and clean again! JP hey, craig… you’re rubbing it on the ground there, which, last i checked, is all dirt. GIGGLES are you craig williams? GIGGLES my name is giggles and this is my associate, toothy. we’re here on behalf of the tailor. we’re, uh… the loan sharks. hand over the dough. CRAIG i… don’t have it? GIGGLES i guess we’re just gonna have to take something else. CRAIG no, not the bag! anything but the bag! GIGGLES heheheh… okay. BAG my beautiful leather body is ruined! y’know none of this would’ve ever happened if you hadn’t disobeyed your poor mother and brought me to the creek! CRAIG you were the one who told me to do it! BAG craig, i am a purse! get better role models, girl. CRAIG i do have one! but now i have to go apologize to her… NICOLE what did you do to my ducci!?!?! CRAIG it was for a fashion show! and i just wanted to look cool like everyone else! and… and… i’m sorry, mom. NICOLE well… it’s not like i’ll be paying this off for the next fifteen years or anything. but i do appreciate you coming clean to me. NICOLE why did you let this eliza and her fashion video get to you? i know i didn’t raise you to go off and try to be like everybody else. CRAIG i… i dunno… i just… i got so caught up in appearances. just… i wanted to feel like i’m at least a little cool. NICOLE i know that feeling. you gotta flex on ’em sometimes, right? listen, baby… no one else can tell you what you should or shouldn’t be wearing. you decide that for yourself. you’ve got your own unique style, own it! be proud of it! be the you that you want to be. BAG yeah, listen to your mama, craig. NICOLE thank you, ducci. CRAIG you can hear him? NICOLE yeah. he talks to me, too. so… how long should i ground him for, ducci? BAG a day for every dollar i’m worth. CRAIG aww ducci, you stink. GEORGE welcome one and all to the back to school creek fashion show! step on the stage and strut your stuff! GEORGE and here we have eliza of the tea timers looking cozy in her cocoon one piece. very avante garde. but eliza — no accessories? GEORGE oh my goodness! just look at it, everyone! hard to imagine anyone topping this look tonight! JP and now! the new fall line up from the house of stummmppp! JP woah, tweet tweet! looks like this cool chick will be flying high at school this fall! KELSEY this is for you, mortimor! ELIZA JP simply majestic! JP and next on the runway… it’s cah-ray-aig! JP he’s wearing what he always wears because, well… he likes it! ELIZA GIGGLES hey, taylor! that kid owes you a lot of dough! TAYLOR you can’t beat him up! look at him up there on the catwalk… he’s being true to himself. JP happy fashion forward school year, everybody!