CRAIG CRAIG_SONG EMILY EMILY_SONG GARY GARY_SONG JP JP_SONG KELSEY KELSEY_SONG LOU PATRICK PATRICK_SONG SONG VOICES

CRAIG
hurry! hurry! hurry!
JP
well, at least we made it to muddy land.
CRAIG
i think we sprung a leak… or two. i don’t 
understand how this happened. i mean we 
weren’t carrying anything sharp onboard,
right?
KELSEY
yeah, i’m always extra careful with my 
blade. who knows what poked those holes in 
the raft. i’m trying to think if i saw any 
sharp rocks or anything. snails? w-what are 
you saying? i don’t think snails could’ve 
done that. wha?! you think i poked a hole in 
the raft?! 
VOICES
ooooooooooooo!
JP
what was that?
CRAIG
 welcome children?
CRAIG
where are we?
LOU
hello!
CRAIG
CRAIG
uh, hi. uh… i’m craig. who are you?
LOU
i’m lou! and welcome to the island!
CRAIG
we’re on an island!?
LOU
i, uh… heard you were having some trouble 
with your raft.
KELSEY
yeah, it got popped somehow. yeah, he’s
always yakkin’.
LOU
well, maybe i can help you fix it.
CRAIG
ah, thanks for the offer, but never fear,
craiggy’s always got his duct tape near.
CRAIG
what happened to my tape?!
JP
kelsey did it! she used your duct tape to 
make battle armor!
KELSEY
jp used a piece too! to get the lint off his
jersey!
JP
i didn’t use a piece… i used the whole roll!
VOICES
oooooooooooo!
CRAIG
what is that?
LOU
uh, wind, ghosts, who knows. listen, i’m an 
assistant to a teacher at a school here. if 
you three can fill in for me a bit, i can 
fix up this raft in a jiff!
KELSEY
what kinda subject we talking here? math? 
science? combat?
LOU
you’ll see… just follow the path up the hill 
to the schoolhouse.
CRAIG
 
okay… uh, thanks, lou…
CRAIG
lou said it was up this way.
VOICES
ooooooooooo!
KELSEY
 look!
JP
whoa! it’s like a legit school!
KELSEY
they’ve got color coded seats! and there’s a 
teacher’s desk!
CRAIG
and these must be the students.
JP
yeah but… where’s the teacher?
KELSEY
 “lucius’ logs. day 164. my latest 
lesson has failed yet again. i’m beginning 
to wonder: am i a bad teacher or is this 
impossible to teach.”
JP
wow. kelsey, you… you really read the heck 
out of that thing.
KELSEY
thanks, i was like i found the character, 
like, halfway through the line--
PATRICK
oooooooooooo! you’re not supposed to be 
reading that! ooooooo! i’m telling!
KELSEY
wait, we’re just--
EMILY
ooooooo! you’re not supposed to be in the
classroom during recess! i’m telling!
PATRICK
oooooo! now you’re in the classroom! i’m 
telling!
CRAIG
uh… no nono!
GARY
oooooo! you’re not supposed to tattle! i’m 
telling!
EMILY 
oooooooooooooo!
PATRICK
oooooooooooooo!
GARY
ooooooooooooooo!
EMILY 
oooooooooooooo!
GARY
ooooooooooooooo!
PATRICK
ooooooooooooooo!
CRAIG
what is this place?! some sort of school 
for… tattle… tales? oh. okay. 
JP
that’s it! you three are in time out!
CRAIG
wow, that really worked.
JP
i don’t like to do it, but when i do-- whew,
look out.
EMILY 
oooooooooooooo!
GARY
ooooooooooooooo!
PATRICK
ooooooooooooooo!
KELSEY
this time out’s got a time limit! we gotta
do something fast!
CRAIG
yeah, this is bad! real bad! i dunno where 
this teacher is, but we gotta help them out 
if we want to get off this island.
KELSEY
yeah, it’s the least we can do while lou is 
fixing the raft for us.
JP
i’m in. whatever it takes to get these kids 
to stop making me feel guilty about 
everything.
EMILY
ooooooo! you’re telling secrets! ooooooo!
KELSEY
hey! time out’s over! back to your seats!
KELSEY
we’re gonna be your substitute teachers
today. i am professor kelsey, that is 
professor craig, and our t.a. mortimor… 
and this guy’s jp.
JP
just happy to be included!
GARY
my name’s gary!
EMILY 
ooooooo!
PATRICK
ooooooo! 
EMILY
you didn’t raise your hand! 
EMILY 
ooooooo!
PATRICK
ooooooo! 
KELSEY
hey enough!  look, tattling is okay 
when someone is hurt or in danger. it’s good 
to let a bigger kid know what’s going on. 
but… let’s say my good and trustworthy 
friend here takes my sword! he didn’t do 
anything with it. i’m not hurt. he’s just 
holding it. should i tattle on him? yeah, 
you! in the front row!
GARY
but he’s not… um… you’re lying!
EMILY 
ooooooo!
GARY
ooooooo! 
PATRICK
ooooooooooo!
KELSEY
no! i-it’s not lying!! it’s a hypothetical 
situation--
EMILY 
ooooooo!
GARY
ooooooo! 
PATRICK
ooooooooooo!!
KELSEY
it’s not a lie! it is an example for the 
sake of an exercise! rah!
EMILY 
ooooooo!
GARY
ooooooo! 
PATRICK
 ooooooooooo!
JP
KELSEY
oh what! like you could do better?! ow!
JP
sometimes… children tattle when they want
to feel like they’re doing things right and 
others are doing things wrong. like that 
one time i was at your house, craig.
CRAIG
uh, what?
JP
and your mom was all like, “who forgot to
flush the toilet?!” and you had eaten like 
four bags of spicy beefers that day, so you 
were glued to the toilet!
CRAIG
JP
so i was like, “there’s no way that was me,
mrs. williams. it was allll craig!”
EMILY 
ooooooo!
GARY
ooooooo! 
PATRICK
oooooooooooo!
GARY
you’re nasty!
CRAIG
okay! they get it!
JP
’cause my mind said in that moment was, 
“i’m not going down for this, craig!” so i 
grabbed my best friend with two hands and 
threw him right under the bus!
KELSEY
jp! you’re showing them how to tattle!
JP
well, why do you let me talk to them?! i’m 
not even a-- i’m not even on the faculty!
CRAIG
 this isn’t working. these kids are 
impenetrable. we’re gonna have to employ a 
technique for tattling that i learned from 
my uncle darnell.
CRAIG
alright, class! would someone please give 
me an example of a time when they tattled?
PATRICK
ooh! uhm! uh… um… so one time, gary almost 
accidentally hit emily with a ball and i 
told the teacher.
CRAIG
hm, okay. did the ball actually hit her?
PATRICK
no…
CRAIG
are you… gary or emily??
PATRICK
no… my name’s patrick.
CRAIG
well then, patrick. all you gotta do is…
mind. your. business. a simple technique 
to cure all your tattling woes!
CRAIG SONG
there’s a golden rule
at this island school
for the mischief that you witness
if it’s none of your concern
and nobody’s getting hurt
then you probably should mind your business
EMILY SONG
he spilled his glue!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
PATRICK SONG
she likes dog food!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
GARY SONG
he told her a secret—i don’t know what it 
is!
CRAIG SONG
hey, i’ve got a secret—
mind your biz!
EMILY 
ooooooo!
GARY
ooooooo! 
PATRICK
ooooooooohh!!
CRAIG SONG
this is an a and b conversation so c your 
way out!
you can keep it to yourself and you don’t
have to tell the whole town!
EMILY SONG
i saw him peek!
KELSEY SONG
mind your business!
GARY SONG
he hasn’t brushed for a week!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
PATRICK SONG
he’s chewing gum!
JP SONG
mind your business!
GARY
SONG
his homework isn’t done!
JP SONG
mind your business!
KELSEY SONG 
mind your business!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
EMILY SONG
she’s making a mess!
JP SONG
mind your business!
KELSEY SONG 
mind your business!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
GARY SONG
there’s worms in his desk!
JP SONG
mind your business!
KELSEY SONG 
mind your business!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
CRAIG SONG
a simple rule
not too ambitious
if you’re not involved
JP SONG
mind your business!
KELSEY SONG 
mind your business!
CRAIG SONG
mind your business!
KELSEY
if someone is being hurt--
JP
by words or actions--
KELSEY
it’s okay to tattle, to a grown up.
CRAIG
but, what do you do if you see someone
picking their nose?
GARY
mind. your. business.
EMILY 
mind. your. business.
PATRICK
mind. your. business.
CRAIG
that’s right.
JP
that’s right! yes! we did it! we
actually did it!
KELSEY
that’s right! yes! we did it! we
actually did it!
CRAIG
 that’s right! yes! we did it! we
actually did it!
CRAIG
now we can get back to lou, get our raft and 
get off this island.
PATRICK
who’s lou?
CRAIG
uh, y’know, your teacher’s assistant.
PATRICK
but we don’t have a-- oop! oh, nevrmind!
minding my business!
CRAIG
wait, wait you don’t have a what?
EMILY
um, professor craig, is your raft blue?
CRAIG
yeah, how did you know?
EMILY
well, i think i see, um… uh… uh, nevermind. 
minding my business.
CRAIG
uh, well, emily, if someone’s in danger or 
could get hurt, then it’s okay to tell 
someone.
KELSEY
in fact, it’s really important to tell us if
we’re in danger.
JP
are we in danger?!?
EMILY
well, i don’t know if you’re in danger. 
it’s… it’s hard to tell. i think i’d be 
safer if i just don’t say anything.
JP
that means we’re in danger! we’re in so
much danger!
CRAIG
patrick! are we in danger?!
KELSEY
you can tell us!
JP
please, patrick! tell us!
PATRICK
minding my business!
CRAIG
what have we done?!
KELSEY
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoawhoawhoa… check it 
out, guys!
CRAIG
oh! gary! sweet, sweet, gary! professor 
craig, professor kelsey, and jp are all in 
danger. and we need you to tell us why!
pretty please!
PATRICK
don’t tell them! it’s a test!
CRAIG
it’s not a test! you all get a’s! just tell 
us! what’s happening!
GARY
lou’s our teacher and he’s running off with 
your raft! oh! i told! i told!
EMILY 
ooooooooooooooo!
PATRICK
ooooooooooooooo!
JP
the raft!!
KELSEY
the raft!!
CRAIG
the raft!!
LOU
CRAIG
lucius! stop!
LOU
eep!  Grrr, get back! i gotta get 
outta here!
KELSEY
that raft’s ours!
JP
yeah what’s your deal, man!?
LOU
i couldn’t take it anymore! i thought i 
could teach them not to tattle! i thought i 
could be a force of good in the world! but 
these kids are impossible! they just go 
“oooo! oooo! oooo!” i’m sick of it!!
JP
gahh!
KELSEY
jp!
CRAIG
jp!
KELSEY
that’s it! how do you like it!?
LOU
wah!
CRAIG
no more running. it’s over, lou.
JP
yeah! ooof!
LOU
no it isn’t! because you… you hit me with 
mud! and if you don’t take me with you, then 
i’ll tell on you!
LOU
 all of this time spent teaching… have 
i become one of them? 
LOU
i’m a tattle tale! oooo! oooo! oooo! i’m 
telling! rrrrraaaaaaaaaaahhhhuuuhhh? oof!
LOU
huh? no… no… no! please! noooooooo!
GARY
oooooooooooooo!
EMILY
oooooooooooooo!
PATRICK
oooooooooooooo!
LOU
JP
oh man, should we send for help?
CRAIG
for our own safety… let’s just mind our 
business.
KELSEY
w-w-we did everything we could, right?
JP
i think we totally did everything we could.
KELSEY
yeah…
JP
i feel good about that…
KELSEY
heheheh…

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